Neil Sadaka once said that breaking up was hard to do, but he never mentioned the tougher challenge of getting over heartbreak.
When a relationship comes to a screeching halt due to infidelity or irreconcilable differences, how does one cope with the aftermath?
Being consoled by a best friend or getting medicated with a bottle of wine only temporarily dulls the pain, but are those enough when moving on is a one-sided dilemma?
Seeking advice from amateur relationship advice experts, Redditor strawberryshortbleep asked:
"How did you move on from your ex?"
Focus On You
Taking care of yourself is essential, because no one is more important than you in times of romantic despair.
Nurture Thyself
"Your self worth has to come from within. If you don't find happiness alone you'll never have it with another person. So the first thing you've got to do is convince yourself that you matter for you."
Steps Toward Recovery
"I have 5 rules:"
- Don't be angry, it just makes you bitter and no one has ever changed their outlook because someone was angry at them - humans just push back harder.
- Don't ask for explanations - they'll never be good enough. Only one person needs a reason — however weak — to not be in a relationship, otherwise it's a kidnap situation.
- Maintain your dignity, dignity can't be taken, only given.
- Make plans - follow through, your friends are your best resource.
- Look after yourself - mind, body and soul.
"Remind yourself of these everyday and give it time."
Sweat It Out
"Ran 3 miles a day."
"Honestly, the thing that has always struck me with breakups is your time. All of a sudden your schedule is cleared and you dont know what to do with it. What used to be netflix and dinner every night becomes nothing. The cool restaurant you wanted to try vanishes. Post relationship boredom is real. And in that boredom, you start going down some dark paths that aren't so good for you."
"So I ran a lot. I dont even like running. But it killed about an hour and a half of my day if you include the shower and everything. And if you were exhausted by the end of the day, falling asleep was easier. And to be honest, that's a far better coping mechanism than ice cream or beer."
"As time passes you will heal. Or have scars from it. But regardless, you'll get over it one way or another."
Period Of Transition
"Lost a bunch of weight, and just enjoyed myself for awhile. Then I met my current girlfriend. Coming up on 4 years together."
New Friendships
"Once after a breakup I specifically befriended someone who was a social butterfly—instantly met lots of new people and went to new places."
Time
There is something to the adage that time heals all wounds. Well, most of them, anyway.
Worth The Wait
"Time, trust me. Used to think they were the love of my life, even tho they were my first relationship ever."
"Took long enough, I even loved them after I entered another relationship, but it went away."
"my SO knows about my feelings, it took a toll on us but we're doing fine almost 3 years in!"
"just be honest, whatever u doo."
Let It Run Its Course
"Time. Unfortunately, time is the only real solution. But there are some things you can focus on that can help."
"Pay attention to yourself and focus on all the positives of your new life without them. We tend to put our exes on a pedestal after a breakup, glorifying them and forgetting all the things about them/the relationship that used to drive us mad. Remember that there were times in your relationship that made you roll your eyes. Understand that there are positives that you can pick out, though it may not seem like it."
"Try to be social, whether that's with your friends, meeting new people, or (when you're ready) opening yourself up to meeting a new SO. It's easy to close yourself off to others after a rough breakup. You think there's nobody else that could ever compare to your ex. You just lost out on the love your life right? The truth is that there are so many wonderful people in this world, many that you are likely more compatible with than your ex as crazy as it may seem after a breakup. It's not fair to yourself if you don't allow yourself the possibility that there are other people out there that you can be happy with."
"The last and possibly most important thing is to really look at your time in the relationship and choose to accept the way things are. Accept who you are as a person and the relationship for what it was. Understand what you did to help with its demise. Understand that relationships are two way streets and that there are things you can do to be a better partner. This is easy to miss, but is ultimately imperative to the healing because if you choose to ignore this you'll be right back here again. You'll do stupid things. You'll reach out to your ex when you shouldn't. You'll stalk their social media and see things that will make you want to cry. You'll run into them in person with their new 'friend'. You'll hate and blame yourself every time. It's okay, we've all done something like this. This is normal. But dwelling on these things is what drives you insane. Understand when it's time to move on. Blocking/deleting them on social media or going no-contact in general can be very very helpful. Some people are able to remain friends with their exes but for most of us, this is sadly not a reality. Dwelling in the past and not allowing yourself to move on and heal and learn is only going to make things harder."
"It may not seem like it, but I promise there's light at the end of the tunnel. Hopefully there's at least something in this post that you can resonate with. At the end of the day, just go back to living your life the best that you can and in time the universe will take care of the rest."
– Zaxl
OK To Cry
"Every day is a step forward, and every breakdown you have feels like a step back, but it's not. It's just another step in the process. If you gotta cry, cry. You're grieving a massive pillar in your life, it's ok to cry."
Giving In To Trust
"As I'm sure you know, the beginning is the hardest. It's the darkest part of the whole thing. You will have setbacks. There will be days that you can't take being without them. This is normal. It's okay to feel these feelings. But in doing so, it's also important to understand and accept the way things are. Life is a wild thing full of so many learning moments that you can carry with you to shape who you are. This is one of those moments. Trust in your ability to learn from this experience. Trust in time to heal the wounds. And trust in yourself to take back the person you were before the breakup.You can do it."
– Zaxl
"Time, trust me. Used to think they were the love of my life, even tho they were my first relationship ever."
"Took long enough, I even loved them after I entered another relationship, but it went away."
"my SO knows about my feelings, it took a toll on us but we're doing fine almost 3 years in!"
"just be honest, whatever u do"
Social Media And Smartphones
Replacing your device may help in forgetting about your ex, as suggested by these Redditors.
Go To Settings And...
"CHANGE YOUR NOTIFICATIONS TONE."
"Pavlovian responses are more powerful than you think."
Clean Slate
"Also if you're due for a phone upgrade or have the money to get a new one, do it. Try not to back up anything that reminds you of her. A clean phone slate will help out a lot."
Delete Delete Delete
"Delete her off social media, including pics, block, delete number. Crack on with life. No point wasting time, lifes way too short!"
Go Offline
"Just block, and get them off your social media.It is too easy to check on them to see what they are doing. To post things for their benefit. It just really prolongs the healing process and accepting it is over."
Erase, Delete, Block
- Cut off all contact. Delete pictures, contact details, block on social media, block common people between you and them, burn what you cant return/donate. Its sort of cathartic, but it gives you peace to let go.
- Pick up a physically taxing task for 45mins - 1 hr per day.
- Stay away from liquor deliberately if you feel you have high chances of being addictive.
- Sit with your emotions - feel overwhelmed and tears keep pooling in your eyes? - have a good cry. Feel angry? - write a letter you'll never post(good for burning too)
- On the occasions that you remember them suddenly- tell yourself you think of them neither positively nor negatively. If you force yourself to acknowledge their point of view or give them benefit of doubt of wish them well - it never works. The inner self is going to come out harder demanding the pain be acknowledged. If you give the thoughts a negative tone, you are going to end up bitter. When you give neither, over the period of time, you remember them less and less. And one fine day you wont think of them anymore.
"They will always have a place in your memory, but a very insignificant place. Will the scar be there? May be, may not be. But you will move on in the truest sense where their life events no longer evoke any emotion in you."
Moving on from an ex is difficult because you remember the parts of your relationship that brought you together in the first place.
But relationships evolve, and you can't help if a person does not want to grow with you.
Sometimes it's best to avoid contact with the one who broke your heart altogether. A cold reset. Because your dignity is worth more than perpetually holding onto a heart that has already let you go.