First dates are terrifying. I don't care what anyone says.
They're stressful, they're awkward, they're high-pressure, and honestly, that's just me worrying about myself. Factoring in another human being and being out in public is a whole other nightmare for my anxiety.
One Reddit user asked:
What first date behavior is a dealbreaker?
... and then I suddenly realized I was so stressed about *me* being a disaster on the first date, that I forgot to factor in the possibility that the other person could potentially hop aboard the hot mess express.
The thread initially started out with people just sort of listing general dealbreakers:
Keep It Clean
smell this saturday night live GIF by HULU
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Smelly, greasy hair, and no effort in appearance. If the first date isn't important enough for you to even shower, then how important will the relationship be to you
My roommate went out with a girl and hadn't showered in days. Then she said it wasn't going to work out with the other girl because the other girl didn't shave her legs.
... you'll notice I said things "started" with people listing the little things. But WOW did it devolve pretty quickly.
There really isn't a better way to talk about disaster first-date dealbreakers than to just share your war stories, right?
And OMG the war stories.
I Love YouÂ
Immediately starting with the "I love you" attitude...
- koravel
Had a girl tell me she thought she loved me about half way through our first date once.
I brushed it off as flirty banter then toward the end of our meal she says:
"You know how I know you love me? You didn't say that you didn't love me when I said I loved you"
and there you have the reason for no second date.
- JonWoo89
You Don't Own Me
Possessive behaviour. If this is how you act with someone you've just met, how would a relationship with you be?
On the first, and only, date i beat him at air hockey. He got super serious and in my face and told me to never talk about air hockey again...
I'm glad they make it so easy to pick them out. They almost always start on the first or second date. It's usually something small like telling you that their responsibility is to protect you or snapping when you walk the wrong way (real examples). Once they do that you can be sure that if you continue dating them they will try their hardest to ruin your life.
MLMÂ
Taking me to a multi-level marketing seminar. (actually happened).
I did not sign up and told her afterwards I was not interested. Thank God I didn't tell her my last name or she could have easily spammed me with junk mail.
Lol, this happened to me too.
Long story short:
Girl from my high school who I hadn't seen in a few years calls me up. She said she missed me and wanted to catch up.
Let's have dinner at this hotel steakhouse, hell yeah.
We walk inside the hotel, into the conference room with tables set up. She flirts with me, I'm going to score. Hell yeah!
Some dude sites next to her, she lets me know it's her husband. Some dude gets on the stage and starts being loud, but I'm sort of not paying attention.
Guy starts screaming about how he has a Ferrarri, look at his Ferrarri keys! Sell like me and you can have a Ferrarri as well!!!! Woooo!!!
Made and excuse about going to the bathroom, walked a few miles to some other place. Called my mom, she picked me up and took me home. Lol
Monday Night Raw Sport GIF by WWE
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Until people essentially gave up on just listing the dealbreaker offense and started spilling their stories.
Sharing is caring, fam.
The Wallet
Best to just relate my all-time favorite 'worst 1st date' & ultimate deal-breaker: A friend set me up on a date w/ one of her co-workers that I'd only met once at her place of employment.
The only time I had available was a Saturday right before my Yoga class, so we agree to meet up at a place I'd never eaten at. Mind you, the date who'd eaten there before, suggested a place that was near where my class was.
I show up wearing my Yoga clothes: NO POCKETS, loose-fitting sweater: NO POCKETS, and a small 4 by 5 inch fanny pack. The no pockets thing will be relevant later.
We have lunch - everything was going great. Then just before the bill arrives the date goes to the bathroom, comes back, still having a great time we finish our meal, the bill comes (50/50 split), all of the sudden the date can't find their LARGE motorcycle type wallet w/ their money in it then proceeds to accuse me of stealing it while they were in the bathroom & putting in my 'pocket'!
I stood up pointing out that I didn't have any pockets, opened my fanny pack to show other than 20 bucks, my ID and gym membership card it was too small to fit anything as big as your standard sized motorcycle wallet.
It didn't matter that I had 20 witnesses who verified that I NEVER left my seat much less the restaurant. The idiot date proceeded to throw a Kevin/Karen sized tantrum demanding to search my car, so I gave the waitress my ID then had her call the cops to escort me & the idiot out to my car and proved I did NOT have 'the wallet' or anything else in there. Idiot comes back in, cop takes a report, leaves & then Idiot proceeds to claim that the waitress and I are friends and in cahoots, that 'we' stole it & the waitress is hiding the wallet in the back. I reiterate ''You chose this place, I do not know anyone here, I've NEVER been here before!"Since, I'd only brought enough to cover my meal I ended calling my Stay-At-Home-Mother sister, to come there & lend me enough cash to cover the whole bill, skipped my Yoga Class and went home in a huff, called my friend, told her what happened - she was shocked.
Monday rolls around, idiot gets to work, opens their desk, and boom there's the wallet! Idiot call me to say I'm so sorry and wants to know if can we please have a do-over date - my response: 'OH HELL TO THE NO, Insult me by calling me a liar & a thief, stiff me w/ the full $40 bill, invade my privacy by demanding to search my car, you had your chance, you blew it & ya can rot in hell for all I care.'
Indonesia
Once, I was talking to this girl online, and things were going pretty well, so we decided to go for dinner.
I showed up to the place five minutes early, so I waited. And kept waiting.
Texted her 15 mins after we were scheduled to meet, but didn't get a response. Waited for another 45 mins then left.
She messaged me later saying that she wasn't there because she lives in Indonesia. I live in New Jersey.
Toddler Behavior
I'd been talking to a girl for a few weeks. We went to see a movie and she starts sucking her thumb like a baby while watching the movie.
I'm thinking "weird tick I guess but okay"
Halfway through the movie she gets really emotional, drops to the floor and starts rolling around like a toddler. After about 10 minutes she gets up and acts like nothing happened, I don't know what to say at this point.
At one point during the day she starts telling me about another date she went on where she saw her friend halfway through and was speaking to her and the guy just walked off without saying bye or anything.
As she's telling me this we bump into a girl she knows, they're talking for a bit and I try to introduce myself but she cuts me off to talk about something different. They're both acting like I'm not even there, this goes on for 30 minutes. Half an hour of me just standing there as if I'm I don't know either of them while it seems like they're both actively ignoring me.
I try to say goodbye but it's literally like I'm completely invisible.
I figure at that point either she didn't like me and somehow planned this intervention from her friend to save blatant turning me down or she's just a rude person so I just walk away.
I get on the bus to go home and I get a message "hey why did you walk away?"
I was 17 at the time and it's the strangest date I've ever been on to this day.
Taco Bell Sells Coffee?Â
Well on one first date I had, the dude told me he used to be in a gang and killed 6 people. He then drove us into oncoming traffic, told me that there were 3 loaded guns in the car (this ride lasted at least 45 minutes there and back.)
Also, told me he was bipolar and was not taking any medication for it.
But the dealbreaker was when he stopped to get coffee at Taco Bell.
I got coffee at Taco Bell once. I was there for the cheap breakfast, but I thought I could use the caffeine. Pretty sure they just handed me a cup with like 4 shots of creamer and no coffee. It was not drinkable.
XXXtra Oh NoÂ
A guy where I worked was hitting on a girl on the lunch truck for over a month. She finally said she would go out with him. So for the first date he took her to a XXX porn show!
Aparently she excused herself to go to the bathroom after a few minutes and never came back. I felt so sorry for her, I would have been scared out of my mind to be with someone that "off".
- readit2u
My mom had this happen to her! She said no over and over to this guy, until finally she gave it a shot and said yes. He took her to a porno drive in and then tried to pretend that he hadn't known and that they should stay. She absolutely refused and pitched a huge fit so he would take her home.
SO, in the "sharing is caring" spirit, I will answer by throwing one of my weirder dating disasters out there.
In college, I went on a date with someone who ordered a pound of crab legs... and then informed me that he could not open crab legs.
I, a broke college student and expert crab leg inhaler, watched in horror as he maimed 2.5 legs before it was too much and I asked if he wanted help.
I ended up cracking them all open for him while he sat there all awkward like a little kid waiting on mommy.
Interestingly, I had a similar thing happen a second time about a year later and this time the guy asked for lessons and it ended up kinda cute/competitive. We were good friends for years.
So I don't know if there's some whack dating handbook floating around South Florida encouraging people who don't know how to open crab legs to then open crab legs ... but stop it. The book is lying to you.
Do we even have a clue that they're the "one" that got away? How long until it sinks in? And how do we not know there isn't another "one" coming behind them? I have no answers. Just asking...
The Draft
Episode 1 Omg GIF by RuPaul's Drag RaceGiphy"The girl who summoned up the nerve to ask me out towards the beginning of high school. I was so humiliated by the life my family was living that I stalled until she gave up."
"Betsy, if by some stroke of dumb luck you're reading this... I'm so sorry. It was 25-27 years ago, but I still hate myself for that. You were beautiful, intelligent, a good person, and if I had anything resembling a stable, presentable home I would've said yes in a heartbeat... I had a crush on you since 7th-grade 'intro to drafting.'
I Love Her
"Weird, I was just confiding in my mom about this last night. I'm late but for catharsis's sake I'm going to post. My first girlfriend is a classic case of you don't know what you have until it's gone. She's the complete package. Beautiful, intelligent, compassionate, and so kind. We started dating when I was 17 and broke up when I was 21."
"For reference I'm 30 now. I was an idiot. I wanted to play the field. I wanted to party and hook up with college girls. It was fun at first but after a while I felt this gnawing hole in my heart. The feeling of doubt crept up slowly and still, a decade later my chest feels tight thinking about it."
"I didn't realize until my later serious relationships that getting along with your SO's family is so important. Her mom and step dad genuinely treated me like a part of their family. It's not a stretch to say I literally grew up with these people. I spent some of my most formative years with them. Birthdays, Thanksgivings, Christmases, you name it. They celebrated me and my accomplishments. They genuinely cared about me. Just amazing, salt of the earth, lovely people."
"Her birthday was in March and I sent her a text and we ended up talking for a bit. She's happily married and stable with a daughter and a second on the way. I'm genuinely so happy for her. She deserves happiness. I just wish I was a part of that. Sitting at work 10 years later I'm tearing up. I numbed myself out to it for years, it's so strange to me that I've been so stuck on her lately. Is this normal?"
- direct07
15 Years Later
"My very first real love. I was a teenager and I didn't really know how to be comfortable in myself or with myself. I played silly teen girl games and lost him even as a friend. Now 15 years later I still think about R from time to time. I genuinely hope he's happy in his life."
"Edit: Wow this blew up while I was sleeping. Thanks for all the sweet words and to everyone with their "one" congratulations! I suppose I hadn't looked him up on social media because I'm scared, scared he won't respond, scared he will respond, scared he'll think I'm a stalker. I'm in a happy relationship now, but what if... Etc etc etc. But I'll give it a Google."
Missed You Much
rhythm nation dance GIF by Janet JacksonGiphyA girl I dated in high school. Went on a date one time she took me out parking and I was too stupid to realize it.
"She always talked about moving away as soon as she got finished with high school. I always thought I would stay in a little town the rest of my life. Turns out I was the one who left and move to another state. Later I heard that she had told someone that I knew that she thought that we would be married at some point. Missed it by that much."
Ok... I've been a bit blind to the light. People can be cruel, but also highly creative. Why not just lead with the truth? It'll always hurt more after lies.
Chuck E.
Chuck E Cheese Wink GIFGiphy"Ah the rare AskReddit question I can answer."
"I met a wonderful woman circa 2013-2015. We worked at what I can best describe as an upscaled Chuck E Cheese. Or ghetto Six Flags. Your choice."
"We hit it off instantly, though at the time I was rather romantically inept. Eventually, she says she's leaving to join the Air Force. I tell her I'll miss her, and wished her well. The thought of asking for her number so we could stay in contact didn't even cross my mind."
"Cue the next day, I stop for lunch on my way to work, and as I'm walking to my car I hear my name being called. I turn around, and it's her, running toward me. Universe giving me a second chance, right? Wrong. My dumb butt still didn't ask for her number. She looked a little upset, and I still think about her often. Desiree, I hope you're doing well."
The Getaway...
"He was my first and last love. I was 16 and he was 18 when we met. We bounced around like idiots, on again off again, finally got together mid 20s. We both fell into bad habits - drugs and alcohol, more booze for me, more drugs for him. We had some bad things happen that were pretty detrimental to staying sober. We would split, reconcile, get sober, fall off the wagon, split, etc... repeat as necessary. We realized we were very bad for each other unless we could BOTH just get sober for ourselves, and split."
"Ten years later, I was sober for 7 years (still am, going on 18 years end of this month, actually! Woo, go me!) and he was beginning to come back, sober about a year. He contacted me, we met, talked about trying again. He said that once he had been totally clean for a year, we'd do it. That whole "Don't make any changes for a year" thing. I would visit him, tho, things were good."
"He woke up one morning feeling bad, thought he had the flu. (This was pre-now) I stayed around because he was sick, but neither of us thought he was drastically bad, just the flu, right? He got worse and worse, finally we called an ambulance because he got up from a nap and couldn't breathe. He died in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. Aortic dissection."
"He got away, but someday I'll see him again. I never stopped loving him, and him me. We just weren't good for each other."
Ce la vie...
"My most serious Ex."
"Don't think I truly understood love until I met her. Loved her more than I ever thought I could love anything. It eventually ended when she told me that, through no fault of my own, she had fallen out of love with me. That was 2 years ago, still hurts to think/talk about."
"Ce la vie..."
The Avoid...
"I'm in the middle of trying to avoid that right now actually."
"It's not worth the heartache trust me. I fought to stay in a relationship for an entire year. If I would've just let her go the first time she wanted there would've been a lot less pain. We would've left on good terms. I would've lost a lot less sleep. Rip the band-aid off because once the band-aid starts peeling it's inevitable it'll fall off with time."
Kim Tate Eye Roll GIF by Emmerdale"My ex and I broke up over 3 years ago. Mutual breakup through a lack of communication on both ends I feel."
"Thought I was over that hill until this week she messaged just to say hey and ask an innocent question. We text for the best part of the day and it's brought up a lot of old feeling. Feeling pretty bitter sweet right now."
Love is a mess. Why even bother trying if you can't be true? It's not hard to just spell out the situation. And if you're the one needing to put together the words... look closer. The dialogue shouldn't be difficult.
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