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People Describe The Dumbest Ways They've Almost Died

People Describe The Dumbest Ways They've Almost Died

The longer one lives, the more they know this to be true: human life is fragile. Mortality is such a scary, crazy reality that we must prepare for on a day-to-day basis, as we could easily be here one day and gone the next.

But not all ways to go out are created equal. There are the things you can't control--like a stroke, or a health condition, or even an accident. But then there are the things you could have avoided doing but chose to do anyway, putting you and others around you in danger in the process.


Redditor u/goosearms asked:

"What is the stupidest way you almost died?"

Here were some of those answers.


On The Dark Side Of The Moon

"I was at a Pink Floyd concert at the old Tampa Stadium, was going to get a beer. I got crushed against a wall, at the bottom of a stairway, when a rush of people came up the breezeway."

"I couldn't move, or breathe, probably 100 or more people in a log jam. I'm not a big person, started to panic, looked up and a guy looked over the rail above me."

"He started yelling to me to reach for his hand, he leaned way over and grabbed my hand and pulled me up. Like 8 or 9 feet, and over the rail."

"Took a few minutes to get a breath he had the security guy get the medic to check me over. Freaky close to a very bad ending."-indelady

Lubed To Death

"A dealership I worked at had two man teams for the lube rack. Well I was a lube tech at the time. I was setting the lift on a full sized pickup when my team mate started raising the lift."

"My head got caught between the lift and the frame. Thankfully someone saw me and screamed at him to stop. I was seconds from getting my head popped like a tomato."-MET90LX

Don't Go In If You Can't Swim!

"My homies autistic brother was in the deep end of a wave pool (he can't swim) without floaties. So he called for help and I jumped in. As I was trying to swim with one hand and carry him with the other, I heard the siren for the big wave that happens every few minutes."

"So I tried to quickly swim away but it caught up and pushed us under. I accidentally tried to breathe and that put quite bit of water in me."

"Just then I felt someone grab me and pull me out of the water. It was my homie. And he also grabbed his brother. So after I threw up a bunch of water and rested a bit, I realized that I almost died in a wave pool."-Leo_crap

What were you thinking when you tried this?!

Inertia

"I was at a Waterpark in Texas with one of those super tall, straight down slides. They had multiple signs saying things like 'DO NOT PUSH OFF BEFORE SLIDING DOWN!'"

"Me being an 18 year old idiot and wanting to race my friend, I decided to push off. That extra push started my slow-motion, airborne flight over the slide."

"I was then staring 100ft down at concrete and my other friend who had his jaw open. What felt like minutes later, I smacked back down onto the slide and made my way down to the bottom. Thank God for the engineers that planned for suicidal idiots like myself."-cmoorecubs

The Slow Descent Below The Surface

"I was at Lake Bled in Slovenia and thought I could easily swim the distance between the shore and the island in the middle with the church on it."

"Boy was I wrong... about halfway I started getting exhausted and had trouble staying afloat. Then my body kicked into survival mode, the adrenaline started pumping, and I Michael Phelps'd the rest of the way to the island."

"I ended up paying 5 Euros to have a boat take me back to shore after that harrowing experience."-PrometheusHasFallen

Death By A Fog Effect

"I walked into a back room freezer of a grocery store. The huge door was designed to close automatically. I knew this and went in and did what I was there to do."

"After 30 seconds, I couldn't catch my breath. I thought maybe I was just working too hard so I stopped and took several huge breaths, nothing. I felt like I was drowning out of water."

"I had to move as quickly as I could back outside of the freezer and feel to my knees gasping when I got out. It was only afterwards I realized for some dumb reason someone kept open dry ice in a cart inside of the freezer."

"Dry ice removes oxygen out of the air in enclosed spaces. I almost died from lack of oxygen and would have been an icicle when they found me. Don't f**k with dry ice."-bdx22

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Wandering Into The Road

"I was in 2nd or 3rd grade, I was getting off the school bus and was walking around to the other side to my driveway. Suddenly the bus driver hits the horn, scared the hell out of me and I stopped at the edge of the front of a bus and a dump truck good speeding around."

"I dunno if the dump truck driver didn't see the lights of the bus or whatever but that driver made a dumb mistake that could have cost me my life."

"Thinking about it my older sister was up at our driveway waiting for me, probably would have messed her up for life. After that the school district changed bus routes to avoid students having to cross the road to get on or off the bus."-Psyco_diver

It is the definition of luck that any of these people are still with us after these blunders.

Coral Trauma

"I was snorkeling with sea turtles in Taiwan and didn't notice I was getting too close to the coral shelf that made up the shore (there was one sandy inlet which you needed to use to get in and out)."

"A big wave came and threw me on top of the sharp coral. I was entirely disoriented and wave after wave was just smashing on me and jostling me which could potentially get me stuck and drowned in any number of little crevices."

"After what was probably 30 seconds but felt like 5 minutes I managed to compose myself enough to start crawling away. I walked away with some scratches and a missing bootie."

"I also accidentally left my passport in the bathroom of the visitor center immediately after. Imma blame the trauma."-SafetyNoodle

A Rough Mom Time

"Went to go visit a friend in Gloucester Mass in winter back in high school far from my home. I was planning on staying overnight at their house but their mother who I now know has mental health problems wouldn't even let me in the house because the father 'wasn't home' working a night shift."

"Friend said sorry bro and closed the door. Almost froze to death waiting outside in 10 degree F at night. A cab driver saw me slumped on a bench and woke me up."

"Let me get warm and drive around in the passenger seat while he picked up drunk people out on the town all night. When he finished his shift he dropped me off at the train station and handed me 7 bucks for the fare. Dude probably saved my life and I can't even remember his name."-kdubbsd

Lucky To Survive--Twice!

"I didn't look before I crossed the street. Walked backwards while talking to my friend and got hit by a van."

"I wasnt wearing my medic alert bracelet to warn the paramedics and hospital that I'm allergic to demorol, because 'it looks dumb and gets caught on my backpack, besides what are the chances I'd ever be given that?'"

"The chances, it turns out, are pretty good if you get hit by a van going full speed hard enough to nearly rip your foot off at the ankle."

"I survived. 7 surgeries to patch me back up. Was comatose for a little bit. Had some blood transfusions. Massive amounts of physiotherapy."

"Look both ways and wear your medic alerts folks!"-Abalone_Admirable

Did any of these look familiar to you? Are you, too, a survivor of your own stupidity?

Or have you thus far lived life conscientiously enough to completely avoid bad and dangerous situations like these? Hopefully, you will continue to do so. Live long, and look before you leap.

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Our ancient ancestors had their own habits; some were strange and bewildering, others were nearly identical to those we practice today. Looking back through history, one might be surprised to find the daily lives of the ancients weren't so unrecognizable. But then again, there are still plenty of ancient habits that leave us scratching our heads.

1. Ground-Breaking Discovery

Recently, archaeologists working in Italy’s Caverna delle Arene Candide found a heap of rocks. Not exactly headline news, but these rocks had been carried up from a nearby beach and broken in a consistent, uniform fashion, and similar-sized pieces had been taken from each one. It appears that Neolithic Italians broke the rocks as a funerary rite—the rocks themselves may have represented lost loved ones, and breaking them symbolized the person dying.

2. Shake On It

person holding hands of another personPhoto by Sincerely Media on Unsplash

The tradition of greeting another person by shaking hands dates at least as far back as the Ancient Greeks. One column at the Acropolis even shows the Greek goddess of marriage, Hera, shaking hands with the Greek goddess of wisdom, Athena.

3. A Little Pick-Me-Up

Nowadays we have Viagra and Cialis, but Pliny the Elder suggested a bevy of ancient Roman aphrodisiacs that reads more like a witch’s shopping list than a doctor’s prescription. To put the pep back in your step, Pliny suggested the yolks of pigeon eggs, in honey, mixed with hog’s lard, or sparrows eggs, or a lizard drowned in one’s own urine. If that didn't work, you could always wear “the right testicle of a cock.” I’ll pause long enough for you to stop giggling.

4. For The Ladies

brown falcon on treePhoto by Photos By Beks on Unsplash

Got it out of your system? Ok, moving on: For ladies with low libido, Pliny advised ingesting a vulture’s tongue, or wearing a patch of wool soaked in bat’s blood on top of the head. It seems so obvious, doesn't it?

5. Just ’Browsing

Nothing made a Greek woman feel more attractive than having a thick, swarthy unibrow. To the Greeks, the unibrow signaled a combination of beauty and brains. Greek women would go to great lengths to get that perfect forehead mustache, lining their brows with kohl or soot, or even using tree resin to affix fake eyebrows made of goats’ hair to their foreheads.

6. Of Corset Was!

white and brown striped textilePhoto by Jamie Coupaud on Unsplash

You probably associate the fitted corset with those breathless Victorian women who, though they maintained their figure, looked constantly on the verge of fainting, but they weren't the first to wear them. The corset goes all the way back to the Ancient Minoan women of Crete, who wore similar restrictive bodices. The Minoan corsets were likely the first fitted garments ever worn.

7. To Be Taken With A Grain Of Salt

Popular superstition states that, if one should spill some salt, one can counteract the bad luck by throwing a pinch of salt over the shoulder. That practice actually goes all the way back to the ancient Assyrians. The superstition was passed on from them to the Egyptians, and then the Greeks, and the Romans, all the way to today.

8. Stairway To Heaven

an egyptian scene with a man offering a bowl to a womanPhoto by British Library on Unsplash

The same is true of walking under ladders—the Egyptians came up with that one. Because a ladder leaning against a wall formed a triangle, representative of the holy trinity of Egyptian gods, to walk through was considered sacrilegious. Naturally, that superstation lent itself perfectly to the early Christians. I always just thought it was because you're likely to get something dropped on you if you walk under a ladder.

9. As It Nappens

Just like the Spaniards with their customary siesta, the Ancient Greeks would insist on taking a quick mid-day nap throughout the summer. One 5th-century medical text advised that a brief nap around noon kept the body from “drying out.”

10. That Sucks!

In ancient Ireland, one showed submission to tribal kings by sucking their nipples. Bog-bodies (ancient remain found well-preserved by the chemicals in a bogs) have been found with slashed nipples, indicating that they had been driven from the throne.

11. Pour One Out

Even if you're completely out of touch, you’ve probably seen a rapper “pouring one out” in a music video. Feel free to pour one out in memory of Pac or Biggie, but you should know the practice actually began with the Ancient Egyptians, who first spilled their drinks as a tribute to their god of death, Osiris.

12. The Good Book

person's hand holding book pagePhoto by Rod Long on Unsplash

The practice of libations was continued by the Greeks. There is even mention of “pouring one out” in the Old Testament: Genesis 35:14 states “Jacob set up a pillar in the place where he had spoken with him [God], even a pillar of stone. He poured out a drink offering on it and poured oil on it.”

13. Beer For Breakfast

While the pharaohs had no shortage of delicacies to choose from—fruit and honey and wine and cured fish and all manner of roasted beasts—the Egyptian working class had a significantly shorter menu. The typical Egyptian breakfast consisted of bread, beer, and onions.

14. Sand Gets Everywhere

a group of people riding horses in a desertPhoto by Veronika Biró on Unsplash

And sand. Lots of sand. Keeping sand out of their food was a huge problem for Egyptians, and coupled with their rough, fibrous diet and the fact that they had no real culture of dental hygiene, it meant that Egyptians of modest means usually suffered severe dental issues.

15. Chickening Out

Roman navies always kept chickens on board their ships, but they never intended to eat the birds. Rather, the chickens were offered cake. If the chickens pecked the cake, the Romans were sure to have luck in their upcoming battle. One Roman admiral, furious that his chicken wouldn’t peck, shunned superstition by throwing his chicken overboard and declared, “If it won’t eat, it can drink instead!”

27. The Stash

green palm tree during sunsetPhoto by Kym MacKinnon on Unsplash

According to Herodotus, certain tribes to the east liked to throw bushels of marijuana on bonfires and enjoy a nice stone. As with a lot of stuff that Herodotus said, historians took this with a grain of salt, but in 2008 archaeologists discovered the tomb of a 2,700-year-old mummy in the Western Chinese province of Xinjiang.

In addition to the mummy—presumably, a shaman of the Yuehzi people—was nearly 800 grams of marijuana, worth about $8,000 to modern consumers. Also found in the tomb, a stack of Bob Marley records and a poster bearing the phrase “Legalize It.”

17. A Different Period

To cope with severe menstrual symptoms, Roman women used tampons soaked in opium, while Egyptian men were allowed—and even encouraged—to take time off work to care for their menstruating wives or daughters.

18. Don’t Sweat It

gray concrete building during daytimePhoto by Federico Di Dio photography on Unsplash

After a big day at the Colosseum, Roman fight-goers liked to celebrate the trip by buying souvenirs. Gladiator sweat was a favorite, as was lard from the animals who had been killed during the show. The sweat was mixed with olive oil and sold as a perfume. It was also considered a powerful aphrodisiac. I'll pass, thanks.

19. Decisions, Decisions

According to Herodotus, the rule of thumb among the Ancient Persians was if something was decided upon while drunk, all people involved must wait until they’ve sobered up, and decide again. Later writers added that, if something were decided while sober, the Persians would again put the decision under scrutiny by getting drunk and seeing if the idea held up. At least they covered all their bases!

20. Puking Party

girl in grey tank top holding purple flowerPhoto by Дмитрий Хрусталев-Григорьев on Unsplash

As everyone knows, the Romans loved to party, but of course one can only party so much. The idea of any Roman feast was to eat and drink as much as physically possible. When a Roman began to feel too full, or too drunk, it was socially acceptable, and even encouraged, to induce vomiting, thereby making room for more.

It should be said, however, that it's a misconception that they had special rooms called "vomitoria" for this purpose. Vomitoria did exist, but they were special passages in theaters or auditoria designed to efficiently allow many people to exit at once. The name comes from the Latin word vomo, which means "to spew forth."

21. No Pants Allowed

The Greeks and Romans had pants, they just didn’t wear them. The Greeks thought they looked silly, and the Romans considered them “for the barbarians,” since they were customarily worn by Germanic peoples to the north.

22. Spitting Image

man spitting waterPhoto by Asael Peña on Unsplash

It wouldn’t be unusual to see a Roman spit on himself; it was something they did any time they encountered a mentally ill person or someone with epilepsy. Not only were these traits undesirable, they were considered contagious as well. By spitting on himself, a Roman was protecting himself from the spread of a disease—an action that had no basis, even in Roman medicine, but remained a widely held superstition.

23. The Cure-All

For everything that spitting couldn’t cure, the Romans swore by "theriac." The compound, invented by Nero’s personal physician, was made of 64 different ingredients, including opium and viper flesh, and was said to cure everything from poisoning to plague. Theriac remained a common item in apothecaries and pharmaceutical shops well into the 19th century, because if nothing works anyway, you might as well eat some snake parts.

24. Ancient Times

grayscale photo of round analog clockPhoto by Timo C. Dinger on Unsplash

Punctual Romans carried around portable sundials, not unlike our more modern pocket watches. Each sundial came with specific instructions on how to use it based on one’s geographical coordinates and the season. But the Romans didn’t rely on a regular 60 minute hour like we do: rather, they followed the Egyptian example of keeping a 45 minute hour through the summer and a 75 minute hour in the winter. How could that not have confused people?

25. Fast Food

The Romans were a busy, on-the-go people, so it’s not surprising that, just like us moderns, they loved fast food. There were restaurants all over the Rome, many of them with windows that opened onto the street so customers could just order their food and go. I wonder if they had drive-thru windows for chariots?

17. Pompeiians Can’t Cook

brown and white concrete buildingPhoto by Yaopey Yong on Unsplash

There were more than 200 take-out restaurants in Pompeii alone. Taking dinner out was so common that many Pompeiian homes didn’t even have kitchens.

16. Vend Diagram

The Romans even had vending machines. Or at least they had the technology—the only known example, built by Roman-Egyptian inventor Hero of Alexander, was coin-operated and dispensed holy water.

28. Cone Heads

brown concrete statue of manPhoto by Tom Podmore on Unsplash

Long before the spray bottle was invented, the Egyptians developed a unique way to apply perfume. They wore tall cones of resin or ox fat on the top of their heads. The cones would be infused with aromatic oils and myrrh. As the balmy night wore on, the cones melted, leaving the Egyptians coated in fragrant oil. It was considered good hospitality to offer these cones to guests at a party.

29. The Best Part Of Waking Up…

Coffee came from Africa, tea from the far east. Neither seemed to have caught on among the Romans. Given the dearth of caffeinated beverages, the Romans began their mornings with a beverage made of goat feces and vinegar. I'll stick to my bean juice, thanks.

30. Just Do It

File:15-07-05-Schloß-Caputh-RalfR-N3S 1528.jpg - Wikimedia Commonscommons.wikimedia.org

According to Pliny the Elder (this guy again...), the goat dung and vinegar beverage was especially popular among chariot racers; it was kind of like an ancient version of Gatorade. The emperor Nero personally endorsed the drink, saying that it gave him extra strength.

31. Urine Luck

The Romans used human urine in industries like leather tanning, and some of these companies even paid a “urine tax” for the privilege. But that’s not all: Urine was used by the Romans as a laundry detergent, a fertilizer, and even as a mouthwash. Because, you know, nothing makes your mouth cleaner than...

32. A Brush With The Egyptians

blue and white plastic bottlePhoto by 莎莉 彭 on Unsplash

In this instance, at least, the Egyptians were centuries ahead of the Romans, and even ahead of pre-20th century Westerners. The Egyptians invented the toothbrush, and used it in conjunction with a toothpaste made of gum arabica, soot, and water that actually would have done an OK job.

33. Mint Condition

In fact, one 4th century Egyptian text offers a complete—though different—recipe for toothpaste: one drachma of rock salt, one drachma of iris flowers, 20 grains of pepper, and, of course, two drachmas of mint for kissably fresh breath. Hey, if it's not human urine, I'll take it!

34. Getting Around To It

man and woman statue under blue sky during daytimePhoto by Sergio García on Unsplash

Let’s talk about bad habits for a minute. Here in the modern world, many of us have trouble getting motivated—we tend to put off starting things, even if they’re important or good for us. But don't feel so bad, even our ancient ancestors struggled with procrastination.

Putting off crucial business was so common in Ancient Greece that the Greeks had a word for it: akrasia, “the state of acting against one’s own interest.”

35. So Stupid, It’s Smart

One Greek statesman discovered a trick to help him defeat akrasia: Demosthenes shaved one side of his head (seriously). Funny, but how does it help? Demosthenes reasoned—rightly, perhaps—that he would be less tempted to go outside if he knew people would make fun of his stupid haircut. Rather than risk the mockery and taunts of his fellow Athenians, he stayed home and studied. Something to remember next time you’ve got a big exam coming up.

36. Moldy Medicine

sliced bread on tablePhoto by Helena Yankovska on Unsplash

The Ancient Egyptians applied moldy bread crusts to burns. This practice has also been found in ancient Greek, Chinese, and Serbian cultures. While none of these ancient cultures had any way to know specifically, they did seem to intuit that the microbes and antibodies active in the mold were good for fighting off infections.

37. An Eyebrow Raising Habit

Eyebrows were important to the Ancient Egyptians, as well. The death of a household cat was a serious tragedy—the Egyptians literally worshipped the furry felines—and families would often demonstrate their grief by shaving their eyebrows off.

38. The Cat’s Pyjamas

Free Images : animal, monument, statue, cat, egypt, sculpture ...pxhere.com

Cats were idolized by the Egyptians because of their skill at killing vermin like rats and snakes, and because they also represented fertility. When a cat died, even the cat of a laborer, it was given a noble burial, mummified, and laid to rest surrounded by pots of milk and mummified mice. We should all be so lucky.

39. Pretty Disrespectful

The practice of mummifying cats was so common that, over the course of the 19th century, British industrialists were able to import nineteen tons of mummified kitties for use as fertilizer.

40. Not Monkeying Around

black monkey sitting on rock during daytimePhoto by Benjamin Ong on Unsplash

Cats weren’t the only pets loved by the Egyptians; they were also known to keep monkeys. Big monkeys. Really big monkeys, like baboons, in fact. Baboons don’t live in Egypt—they had to be imported to Egypt specifically—but their popularity led them to develop a wealth of cultural and religious significance to the Egyptian people, and one was considered lucky indeed to have one of the simians in their home.

41. The Hogs Of War

The Greeks and Romans employed an unlikely ally when they went to war: Because their rivals in the east typically employed elephants, the Greeks and Romans enlisted the help of war pigs, whose squeals terrified the giant beasts.

42. The Romans Treated Their Kids Like Garbage

a statue of a person holding a staffPhoto by Clemens van Lay on Unsplash

Roman families did have adoption practices—even Julius Caesar adopted his great-nephew Octavian, later known as Augustus—but it was mostly a way for the wealthy Roman elite to ensure they had an heir. For poorer families, unwanted children were often just left at the dump.

If those unwanted babies didn’t die, they were usually taken to be raised as slaves.