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I've injured myself so many times in the most innocuous ways, it's a freaking miracle I'm still breathing. I've caused myself the most harm when trying to perform theatrics to music in the shower, on the train, in my bedroom. I have to frequently remind myself that I'm not Beyoncè. Other times just walking down the street can be a death sentence, even when being completely alert. You never know what may fall from the sky to trip you. We really all should live in a bubble.

Redditor u/Trxxi wanted to see who was willing to admit to the times they've been too stupid to walk and talk simultaneously by asking.... What's the stupidest way you've injured yourself?


Danger Hours

the ice pirates shaving GIF by Warner Archive Giphy

Trying to clean the facial hair out of my razor, I sliced one of my finger tips slightly open.

Less than a second later and irritated with blood dripping onto the sink, I quickly attempted to the clean the rest of the razor exactly same the same way with my next finger, resulting in another slight slicing.

In my defense, it was very early in the morning and I wasn't yet a coffee drinker at that point in my life.

AnotherJasonOnReddit

Bullseye

Put a knife into a slingshot to shoot my buddy in the butt. Believe it or not, there was no ill will involved. The idea popped into my head and my fourteen year old brain thought, 'Holy crap, that sounds hilarious!'

Fortunately, the knife slipped and completely opened up the space between my thumb and forefinger. Internal stitches, external stitches and a thing that held my hand in place for a while.

I felt dumb, it hurt badly, but at the end of the day I'm so happy I hurt myself instead of doing some serious damage to someone else because I wasn't thinking things through.

helplesscougarbait

A Bumpy Slumber

I've told this story before, but here's once more.

I was sleeping one afternoon, and all my weight had fallen on my arm. As a result, my arm fell asleep too and got dead numb.

The phone started ringing and the sound somehow blended in my dream, causing me to dream about a fire alarm going off. I got panicked in my sleep and that panic continued when I realized that the ringing wasn't just in my dream, it was happening for real. So I popped up, sleepy and confused, and started running towards the source of the noise.

Comically enough, my arm was so numb that it was beyond my control and was flailing randomly by my side, crashing onto nearby walls and furniture as I was running towards the sound. It was like running with a jelly-like arm - think what happened to Harry Potter in HP and the Chamber of Secrets when Lockhart deboned his arm accidentally.

Anyway, I don't know which of the billion crashes and bumps was the one that did the job, but that's how I dislocated my pinky. It was a good hit and my finger stood at a really weird angle afterwards, so I had to go to the doctor to put it back in its place. Hurt like a *itch too.

I_hate_traveling

Lean In

oh no fire GIF Giphy

I was baked and baking and couldn't see the meat thermometer, so I leaned in and grilled my face a bit, I still look a bit like John Marston.

throwawayMambo5

Chin Fluff

The first few weeks of boot camp I was still learning to shave properly (I turned 18 while I was there and only had a bit of chin fluff). My face wasn't used to daily shaving and I started getting this really itchy dry crusty skin around my chin. We'd also been issued ultra fine grain sandpaper for polishing the brass parts of our ceremonial uniforms. I had the bright idea to smooth my face out with it one morning, which actually worked really well. Took the dry itchy skin right off.

And a few layers underneath, which didn't hurt at the time but stung like hell about 30 minutes later during a dress inspection. And was apparently really visible because the parts I'd polished were swollen, red, and slightly bleeding. The drill staff were (in a way) impressed since no one else had sandpapered their own face before, so I guess I hold some sort of record in that regard.

StAUG1211

The Stabbing

I was cutting a wire tie off a couch a month ago and stabbed myself in the wrist with a steak knife. Got a tetanus shot after that one.

Okay edit since this apparently is getting attention: I got the TDAP shot from my local pharmacy and it didn't hurt that much. It was a $400 couch from Wayfair for my grandmother. And I was not cutting toward myself I was cutting straight forward but the force I used sent my right hand towards my left one in a weird hard to describe with just text way. It was a sucky day.

FiragaFieri

Overnight Idiocy

Working overnights years ago. Had gotten home and threw a TV dinner in the oven. Sat down and was watching a movie. Couple hours later I'm still sitting there watching tv and I think "Man I'm hungry... I should make myself a OMG my food!" Luckily there was no fire and the smoke wasn't bad until I opened the oven. The tray was shriveled and everything was little black chunks of coal. I didn't injure myself that time but just another dummy thing I've done in a long line of dumba**ery.

RumPullForceKin

The Body Says NO!

Back Pain GIF by memecandy Giphy

I destroyed my back putting on socks one morning. I couldn't move without spasms for over a week.

To be fair, I had done a lot of snow blowing and shoveling in the prior days but the socks were the last straw for my back, apparently.

supernewf

For the love of Ice Cream

So my son wanted me to open his ice cream bar. You know the good humor ones on the stick. I was standing next to the kitchen table. I dropped the ice cream and when I moved my hands down to catch it I hit the top corner of the chair with my wrist. Broke two bones in my wrist and spent weeks in a cast. I caught the ice cream though.

Vlvthamr

15 Feet Below

meek mill falling GIF Giphy

I fell about 15 feet off a balcony while in university and trying to hit on a girl.

Was very drunk and didn't realize how thin the railing was. Got "Hey..." out and over I go. Got my arm caught in the bars on the way down, messed up my shoulder, and landed on my hands and face. Broke or sprained all of my fingers.

Not a good night for this guy.

SVS4385

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