Unless you're a total egomaniac, there's probably been at least one moment in your life where you had to stop, stare at yourself, and embrace the realization that yeah, you're really shockingly dumb. No judgment, we've done it too - and we have no shame talking about it.
My regular readers know all about my childhood belief that I was the "moon princess", but if you're new here I'll rehash the Cliff's Notes version.
My parents used to tell me that the reason I could always see the moon no matter where I happened to be was because the moon loved me so much that it followed me everywhere. Me, being young and trusting, just took them at their word. Bad idea in my family.
I didn't know anything about astrological distances, perspective, etc. I never questioned it again. The moon was my little best friend and I would talk to it as such. Let's just say I was EMBARRASSINGLY OLD when I had my moment of sudden realization that pretty much everyone with a view of the night sky could see the moon 'cause that's kind of how celestial bodies work.
I absolutely still talk to my sky-bestie, though. BFFs for life.
Reddit user negan2018 asked:
What really obvious thing have you only just realized?
Folks... I feel better. We've got Santa issues, people who didn't understand how to use towels, a missing Olsen sibling, and at least one person who just thought Michelangelo really liked some random dude named Dave.
Enjoy! The dumb is truly dazzling.
When In Rome
Giphy
Super embarrassing but in college I would order Roman Cokes because I heard everyone else ordering the same...turns out I misheard everyone and found out it was just rum and Coke.
The Missing Olsen Twin
As a child I was confused as to why Mary, Kate, and Ashley were referred to as the Olsen twins and why ads on TV only ever showed two of them at a time.
And then 16 year old me found out about Mary-Kate.
Lost In Translation
The first time I visited the USA I was on my own and in NY and going to all the museums. I kept seeing signs that said "No strollers" and thought (because what Americans call strollers are called "prams" in the UK) that you guys are super strict about the proper amount of attention required to visit a museum. I actually pretended to show more interest than I had in order not to be thought of as some deadbeat out for a casual stroll.
It wasn't until about day three that I saw a "No strollers" sign that included a graphic for idiots.
D.O.G.
This girl I know has a dog named Deoji. Two years into knowing her and being around Deoji, I was having a conversation with her sister in law and I said "I love the name Deoji, how did she come up with that?" Her sister in law responds, "Deoji" and I said "yea, it's a neat name". She started laughing and said "No, D.O.G. ...the way you spell dog"
I'm still mindblown about this lol.
A Very Merry Christmas
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When the kids catch their mom kissing Santa Claus, it is because Santa is their dad dressed up. Not because Santa and Mom have a once yearly torrid affair.
I had always wondered why the dad wasn't as mad as he should have been. Figured it out when I was about 30 years old.
Okay so I was listening to this one just the other day and had a realization about it. There's a line where the kid says "I was supposed to be in my bedroom fast asleep." This means the Dad was dressing up as Santa Claus for the mother and not for the kid. Meaning Mommy has a Santa fetish.
- Truffled
Similarly, I was recently telling my friend how creepy I found the song "Santa Baby" because it was weird a woman was trying to bang Santa. Then my friend told me Santa is supposed to be her boyfriend/husband, not actually Santa
Still a weird song but not as much now.
I was always confused why they would say, "up on the housetop reindeer paws" because reindeer have hooves... then I realized they didn't have paws, they were pausing so Santa could go deliver gifts.
These Actors Seemed Miscast But Absolutely Nailed The Role | George Takei’s Oh Myyy
A Dude Called Dave
That Michelangelo's David is David from David and Goliath. How did I not know this?? I thought it was just a dude called Dave.
At first I was like, "I thought it was King David." But now I think those are the same person. Ol' Dave had a lot of adventures.
I mean I hate to make you feel worse, but did you never notice the sling he is holding over his shoulder and the stone he is holding is his other hand???? Did that not give it away?
Bro I thought it was his trousers that he isn't wearing 😅 I honestly haven't looked at the statue in depth (in any depth at all clearly) and yeah I haven't noticed the sling..or the stones?! There are stones?? Man, my bad Michelangelo.
Departments
It's called a Department Store because there are, wait for it, separate departments within the one store.
I had a Sudden Clarity Clarence moment with that one recently.
These Conspiracy Theories Are Easy to Debunk | George Takei’s Oh Myyy
Birthday Suit
I realized that to be in one's birthday suit it means to be without clothes. I thought for the longest time it was a specific set of clothes you would wear on your birthday each year. I found out when I asked, "what happens when you don't fit in your birthday suit anymore?" Lol
The Absence Of A Dock
I only just today realized that the "walk the plank" plank on a boat is not a special addition pirates added to their ships as a means of public execution that looked like a little wooden diving board.
It is, in fact, the very same plank as the gangplank you'd normally use to get on and off of the ship. It is not the presence of the plank that is threatening, but the absence of dock.
Gay Moms
This is so so stupid but I didn't realize my moms were gay until I was almost 14 and I literally heard my mom say "I'm gay" to my grandma as a joke.
I knew that lesbians/same-sex/gay were relatively interchangeable but it didn't click as "my moms are lesbians which is another term for being gay and they are gay" until that moment.
- hgb965
Little Pillows
Story time. When I was little for some reason I hated toast. Just hated it. My parents always tried to make me eat it but I always refused. My grandma decided to try something different. She took toast, cut it up into tiny squares, put some butter on them and called them "Little Pillows." I ate them all the time. Only now, at 22 years old, did I realize it was just freakin toast.
Bathroom Blunders
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Ok, this was a couple of years ago, but it was something I realized WAY too late in my life...
You're supposed to use the towel to dry yourself after a shower. I was just wrapping it around myself and sitting / walking around in it until I air dried.
Dude I thought I was alone with this.
It wasn't until I went on a lake trip with my school when I was 14 and I was sitting with my towel on waiting to dry, that I saw people drying themselves off with their towels when they got out of the water and it hit me. I have never felt more stupid and I have no idea how I didn't realize sooner.
I always thought women with long hair turned their towel into a turban for fun. I didn't know they wrapped their hair in it.
- wwfmike
Last time I remember this question asked there was a guy that didn't realize you could wait until the water got hot to get in the shower. He hated how it always starts so cold.
- Betakurt
I'm 16 and didn't realize until a month ago you don't HAVE to turn sinks up all the way. Water always splashed me when I washed My hands, and I complained to a friend and she said "Just turn the handle half-way then..?"
My life has gone uphill from there ladies and gentlemen, let me tell you.
So Fresh And So Clean, Clean
That the phrase mint condition means like new because it's the condition coins leave the mint in.
Wow I always thought it meant mint condition because mint makes u feel fresh...
Beef
Didn't just realize this but didn't realize it for a while
The reason why the cow mascot says eat more chicken is because he doesn't want people to eat him - which is a beef. For years I never understood this and then one day I realized it and told my family and they called me stupid.
Narwhals Are Real
A few days ago my wife and I had gotten into a stupid argument and weren't speaking to each other. We live in a pretty small place so we both were kind of stuck being angry in the same room. I turn on the TV and start watching a documentary on sea life and a segment pops up with a narwhal swimming with her calf. Out of the corner of my eye, I see my wife slowly look up from her phone and her jaw drop. She then says "Wait, wait, wait....hold on.....those...exist?....they're real?!" I didn't know what to say so I just burst out laughing for a solid minute. At least it got us talking again lol.
Bow & Arrow
I remember that in seventh grade I had watched a vine where a kid gets a bow and arrow and says "I have a boner!" I didn't know what that meant so me and my friends were playing Minecraft and I thought it meant bow and arrow, but abbreviated.
I don't remember what we were playing but I was yelling that out, "I need a boner!" Thinking I was yelling for a bow. The entire class went quiet and I was wondering why my friends were dying of laughter. I've never been so embarrassed in my entire life.
Night Gas
That there are gas stations open at night. I know that this is something that is extremely obvious to most people but I grew up in New Jersey where most gas stations close at 8pm. It never occurred to me that there are ones open on the highway for people driving at night. I used to drive around with my friends at night and whenever gas is low that just meant that it was time to go home.
Non-Native English Issues
For years, I said 'it's a doggie dog world' until my wife said to me that the right expression is 'it's a dog eat dog world'.
Also, not being a native English speaker, I didn't realize at first what booty in 'shake your booty' song was referring to. I thought it meant shaking your little boots on the dance floor.
Spontaneous Pinecones
Pinecones come from pine trees, I was sitting outside and looking around then suddenly realize, pinecones around a pine tree. I never really gave thought to it I thought pinecones just existed.
Mice And Rats
I thought that mice are female of rats...I watched too much pokemon as a child. Ratata - a mouse evolves into Raticate - a rat.
- trestany
Citrus
That oranges; lemons and limes are different fruits. I thought they were the same fruit in different stages of development like grapes and raisins.
- nsbe_ppl
Natural Gold
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This is so dumb.....but about a year ago I realized that dog breeds aren't naturally occurring. Like there aren't golden retrievers in nature.
The Second Worst Seizure
When I was in high school I heard my mom talking about someone having a "grandma seizure." I asked mom what that was and she said the worst type of seizure you could have. I never could figure out why they didn't call it a grandpa seizure then. And then the grandma seizure could be the second worse type of seizure.
Well, yeah, years later I saw it in writing and it's actually Grand Mal Seizure. I'm obviously not a doctor.
- Shemas12
Reddit user ts_13_ asked:
"What’s a food you can’t buy because you will literally eat the entire thing in one sitting?"
Never. See. The. Cookies. Again.
But I don't feel bad about it, cause I'm absolutely not the only one out here with self control issues. Here are Reddit's snack confessions.
Serving Size
Tortilla Chips GIF by Salsarita's Fresh Mexican GrillGiphy"Chips."
"The larger size bags are a better value, but I almost always get a small bag. Why? Self-preservation."
"Regardless of how big the bag is, for me the serving size for chips is one bag."
- GrumpyCatStevens
"Same, can’t open a bag of chips/chip-like things (Doritos, Cheetos, etc.) without it being gone and me being full of shame."
"Crunchy, salty, and savory is a deadly combo for me."
- [Reddit]
"Same!"
"The routine is eat half the bag, lie to myself and save the other half for another day…an hour later eat the rest of the bag."
- Ill-Marionberry-9071
Literally Heaven
"Fresh warm French bread that just came out of the bakery"
- Original-Area-8739
"Dude fresh bread straight out the oven is literally heaven. I will eat an entire loaf, I’ve done it before and I'll do it again."
- ts_13_
"I bought a breadmaker at the beginning of the pandemic and man it is dangerous."
"The loaves aren't huge so you can just... eat one. Like a snack loaf."
- bartnet
Addictive Personalities
"Literally anything I slightly like"
"Yes, if I think 'damn these pickles are pretty good' there goes the whole jar PoP jut like that."
"Same with cookies, chips, anything."
- IReallyLiveCorn729
"This is me too."
"Not just cookies and chips and treats, but regular meals too. It's gotten to the point where I only cook bland things because if I make something that tastes good I'll want to eat 3 or 4 helpings that night."
- sedimentary-j
"Most snacks really. I don't have a sensible relationship with food."
- [Reddit]
The Brown Dragon
Happy Get Down GIF by ABC NetworkGiphy"Cereal! Omg it’s bad. Specifically Cinnamon Toast Crunch (regular or the churro kind)"
- StreetNext5958
"Someone brought in popcorn at work the other day. All sorts of 'gourmet' versions. One was Cinnamon and Sugar."
"It tasted EXACTLY like Cinnamon Toast Crunch."
"I killed the whole bag. Now I'm shaking. I need more. I'm chasing the brown dragon."
- Element1977
"Omg here in Texas, HEB sells horchata-flavored Rice Krispies. First it was Cinnamon Toast Crunch then it was the churros...now it's these."
"Canela es vida"
- MephistoTheHater
A Fascination With The Frozen
"Popsicles."
"Not the fancy ones, that 3 dollar bag of 24 twin pops. Had my girlfriend come home and see the side table by the couch full of sticks and just shake her head in disappointment at me."
"It's a childhood addiction I'll never shake, I guess."
- kira7setsuna
"One day an old roommate bought a 48 box of ice cream sandwiches then went to the gym."
"By the time he got home I only managed to save him two."
- amplesamurai
"I like to eat all the colors and leave the grape ones , then eat the grape ones repeatedly until my entire mouth has frost bite."
"I've had to go to ER three times because of it and have given myself nerve damage."
- abitheshark
An Animal
"White cheddar popcorn... I turn into an animal"
- Legitimate_Duck6090
"Same. My sister has a video tucked away of me emptying a bag of white cheddar popcorn into my mouth at a stop light while driving. She made sure my husband saw it before we got married."
- Signal-Block-1797
"The amount of SmartFood family-sized bags that I have singlehandedly torn to shreds…"
- SnekBills
More Animals
Hungry John Krasinski GIF by The Animal Crackers MovieGiphy"Circus Animal cookies with the pink and white frosting."
- FecusTPeekusberg
"If surveyed, I wouldn't even say I liked them and it never occurs to me to buy them. But if they're around, get out of my way!"
- LordPizzaParty
"Have you tried them frozen? Discovered it by accident when I was staying in a place with no AC, and haven’t looked back since"
- HalloIchBinToad
ADHD Obsessions
"Anything I like. I have ADHD and no self control"
- goyourownwayy
"I have ADHD and I obsess over food too! Will eat the same thing for days until I don't like it anymore."
- jellie_99
"The lack of self control is actually the worst."
"I binge food, alcohol, people, until I’ve f*cked up my body, my relationship, my job, or whatever else."
- PinealPunch
Hidden In The Toilet
"Peanut Butter."
"If it's in the house, it CALLS to me, and I am drawn to it like a Siren from Greek mythology."
"When my partner wants to have PB in the house, she literally has to hide it from me. And I've found it a few times, so she has to get REALLY CLEVER every time she gets a new container."
"Last time she hid it in the toilet tank, and I found it because I had to repair the flapper device and found it in there."
- whomp1970
"I found my people. Can’t have it in the house. I will throw it away to save myself from myself."
"Everyone close to me knows it too, cuz I’ll announce it."
"No, no, no, get it out. I won’t stop eating it until it’s gone."
- mach1130
Easter Emergencies
crab GIF by OriginalsGiphy"I made myself sick on Easter because I ate what turned out to be 11 crab rangoons in one sitting."
"I'm lactose intolerant. They're full of cream cheese."
"Worth it."
- graccha
"I'm allergic to seafood and I am addicted to them. Luckily they're usually made with fake crab..."
- alexopaedia
Alright foodies, you're up.
Go ahead and confess your snack sins. You're clearly among friends here.
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Shoplifting and weed. Let's start there.
Fishy
Big Fish GIF by PBS KIDSGiphy"Being able to walk with a salmon suspiciously."
YorkshireCat
"The Salmon Act of 1986 made it illegal in England, Wales, and Scotland to 'handle salmon in suspicious circumstances.'”
water_fountain_
Exercise
"I’d legalize putting bikes in pools in California."
Wolfiye11
"Honestly, water biking is a great exercise and should totally be legal everywhere."
TheTrueGoldenboy
"Ding ding ding! you win!"
alemini_
Hey Spud
"Selling Unlicensed potatoes."
williamfvirgil
"As a potato myself, I agree."
CaliforniaPotato
B4TTLESNAKE
Speak Loud!
"The UK government has effectively banned protests so I'm gonna go for that."
YumYumFunTown
"here’s an article that explains it a bit. basically over here the police will now have more power to control protests. they can impose more measures, make sure people are ‘not being loud’ etc."
scseven
"Yeah super glad America doesn't have that. Right to protest is in our DNA. No matter how annoying, it’s necessary."
MRmandato
by death
death GIFGiphy"Executing politicians for treason for any crimes or abuses of power while in office. Iirc treason and sabotage are both punishable by death according to the constitution."
moldyhotdogs
Salmon? Really? Can I carry tuna or a nice cut of mahi?
Cheers all Day
Happy Hour Reaction GIF by New GirlGiphy"The ability to purchase alcohol at any hour of day, on any day of the week. How many of you have gone out late at night to buy beer only to be turned away because the alcohol section is closed, or not being able to buy any at all on Sunday? (in some places)."
isabellemwilliams
It's Food
"Feeding homeless people."
Breadflat17
"I am guessing it is to discourage some psychos from feeding them sh*t (both metaphorical and literal). Reddit taught me about a cop, who gave a homeless guy a literal crap sandwich."
Sandybat
"It keeps people from poisoning them."
derpygamer2142
Incredible
"Magic mushrooms."
ReallyDontWant2Argue
"I was enrolled in a clinical trial using psilocybin as a treatment for depression. After decades of treatment resistant depression, I'm depression-free. Even if it's temporary, I'm so grateful and I can't wait until everyone has access to this incredible drug."
Torontopup6
"I am hoping that weed legalization can open the doors for mushrooms."
MusicianMadness
Bringing the End
"I know it's controversial, but I would say Euthanasia (for very bad illnesses and elderly, if they're miserable and don't want to go on anymore). Afaik it is legal in some countries, such as Switzerland. Just wanted to add I'm not American and therefore can't relate to all the comments telling me about situations in US states, but don't get me wrong, it's interesting nonetheless. :) "
wurzlsep
Sex
Julia Roberts GIFGiphy"Sex work. I'm not interested in it, but it appears to be an arbitrary law that would be a waste of time to enforce."
"Adults can have sex for money in front of the camera for all to see, but once the camera is removed, it becomes illegal? It doesn't make much sense. The only reason it's illegal, I believe, is that the government hasn't found a method to tax it."
corneliatdyer
Sex work is real work. Let these people be.
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