Full confession, my closest friends often tell me I'm the dumbest genius they know. I breezed through school, handle advanced concepts with ease - and I spent ten minutes looking for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight app on my phone. The saddest part is I didn't even realize how dumb I was being on my own. I tried to recruit my ten-year-old to help me and she just stood there staring at the phone in my hand with the sort of silent pre-teen judgy face you see in sitcoms.
She didn't even have to say out loud how ashamed she was of me. She just stared until I finally got it and went "oh... wait... the phone is in my hand." Then she sighed and walked silently back to her room.
One Reddit user asked:
What's the strangest thing your brain made you do on "autopilot"?
Since I do that sort of stupidly silly thoughtless stuff on a daily basis, I felt like maybe this would be the thread for me. I wasn't wrong. I'm taking comfort in the fact that I've never forgotten that I quit a habit or just showed up on my ex's porch by accident... yet.
60. Sock Trash
Went to put the trash in the clothes bin and the dirty socks in the trash can.
59. Sandwich Time
Made a sandwich with some expensive pate left over from Christmas and combined it with some lovely cheese from a local castle.
I then cut it in half and put the knife on the plate and threw half the sandwich in the sink where I was soaking a pan from earlier.
57. Man's Best Friend
Sleep deprivation from grief does things to your head. I live at home and work from home - when my dog I've had since childhood passed, I was utterly devastated. It was sudden, it was awful and I felt so guilty like, there was something I should've seen... But in the end, he was gone.
During my sleep deprivation period, I would wake up, go to let the dog out and feed him as part of my morning routine and then go make myself breakfast.
When I saw his food bowls weren't there on their tray, it didn't register to me. I thought he just knocked them under the table again. I got the door to the backyard open and called out for him.
And then it hit me all over again. The day he passed I went to go shove leftovers from dinner into his bowl when I had taken too much to eat and that set me off badly. With the calling him incident, I just went back to my room and curled up in bed until 3 PM.
I did things like that a LOT because I wasn't sleeping. At all.
That stands as the strangest... and saddest. Sorry...
- Storm137
56. In The Trash
Back in the 90's I had a long phone call (land line) with a friend. When the call was over, I threw the phone in the garbage.
55. Buckle In For This Jam
I sat down at my drum set, put my feet on the pedals and reached to put my seat belt on.
54. Chilled Electronics
I guess putting a remote or some other electronic inside the refrigerator? I don't even remember what it was, it's a common occurrence for me to sometimes just randomly put things that don't belong there after making a sandwich, maybe I should stop sleeping at 2 AM considering I have to wake up at 8.
53. Chalk Or Carrot
When I was like 3 or 4, I had chalk and a carrot in my hands. I bit into the chalk. I still remember this.
52. Lollipop
Back when I used to smoke, I had a cigarette in one hand a lollipop in the other. You can imagine the rest...
51. Green Means Go
I've stopped at green traffic lights as if they were stop signs after driving through many previous intersections that had stop signs.
50. It was for safe keeping
Made meat balls, out off a bag, in the oven. Kind of a meal prep thing so I made a lot. When they were done I put them in a Tupperware container and then put the Tupperware container back into the Tupperware drawer. Didn't even think about them until the following night when I needed more Tupperware. Glad I found them before they started to rot. 10ampfuse
49. That's not autopilot...that's Vodka!
Diving over 100 miles home and not recalling any of it. Suddenly waking up in the driveway wondering how i got there but don't remember doing it. MonKnee
48. It Burns!
Giphy
Once, I washed my eye makeup with nail polish remover. I can tell you, it hurt! madamecoucoucriss
47. What are your specials?
Bit late to the show here, but here goes.
Used to work 3rds at a fast food place, coming home most mornings absolutely exhausted. Came home one day and promptly fell into bed and passed out. Some amount of time later, someone showed up at my apartment complex and rang the security buzzer, which woke me up.
I trudged out of bed, shambled to the front door, and held down the 'talk' button. "Welcome to [restautant], how can I help you?" HuoXue
46. Old Habits
While getting acclimated to my new job, being half awake at 5:45, I have driven to my old job several times. I now consciously tell myself "don't turn here." rr_0223
45. Oh Jenahhhh!
I've got a few...
Take off my shoes and socks, in class.
Bit into my keys when my sandwich was in the other hand.
And this one was pretty stupid, but I was on complete autopilot while driving and, I guess because there was not car in front of me, I blew through a red and didn't even notice till my friend yelled at me.
Oh and routinely answering the phone with "hello this is jenahhh from eye best, what can I do for you?" After quitting my phone job there.
44. A bathroom comfort
Leave my purse on the counter by the sink in a multi-stall restaurant bathroom. My work has a single bathroom with a shower and everything so I guess setting my stuff on the counter by the sink became a habit. It was a good thing no one else came in and that my friend was waiting on me. Lol
43. Ding Dong Gratitude
When I worked at Panda Express, everytime a customer would round up to the next dollar to donate to charity, we would have to ring a bell and everyone yells "Thank you!" Well for awhile after I quit everytime I heard anything close to a bell sound I would randomly yell thank you. It's happened multiple times.
42. Great Minds
Not super strange, but a funny coincidence. I stopped to get gas, I pulled up to the pump went inside and bought a soda then got in my truck and left. Didn't realize I forgot gas until a mile later when my gas light came on so I pulled into the next station where my brother happened to be walking out of the store with a soda. I told him what I just did and he looks back at his car, parked not a pump but at the store, and says "holy crap I was about to do the same thing." So we had a good laugh and got our gas and went our separate ways.
41. How About a Snuggle?
Arriving exhausted from work, walked like a zombie to the house, straight to my room and completely undressed as soon as I got inside, completely forgetting that a friend is with me. A lady friend that is...
We still laugh about it to this day... lgfmjr
40. Life in Sleep
I am a sleep walker. Apparently, everything, including but not limited to, walking, cooking, moving furniture, sex, going outside, eating anything, and one one occasion driving. It's always played for laughs on TV, but it can be terrifying.
39. Shady Pines Ma
I sat on the toilet and was about to pee before I realized I still had my pants on.
38. Maybe You Should Rest
Giphy
Drove to my ex-wife's house, my old house, after work about ten years after leaving. I even wondered who the heck was in my driveway, which reminded me I don't have a driveway anymore.
Using a flashlight to look for my flashlight in the tent.
Using my phone to call my phone because I couldn't find it.
Sigh... 40_watt_range
37. I like Free Pizza!
I wouldn't necessarily call this "autopilot" as it's only happened once, but I was on a first date with this girl, and we were walking past a pizzeria that had an open-air dining area that was right next to the sidewalk, separated with a short fence. While walking past a table that had a couple eating, I just grabbed a piece of pizza. I don't know why I did it, my body just acted. I immediately apologized afterwards and offered to pay for the pizza, and was COMPLETELY embarrassed.
36. Rinse, lather, repeat!
Was attempting to wash hair in the shower, grabbed body soap instead of shampoo and rubbed that into hair. Realized what I'd done, proceeded to wash soap out and go for the shampoo. Grabbed the body soap AGAIN, rubbed it into hair a second time, pondered all of my life's mistakes as I re-washed it out. orangeintheovercast
35. Stare at it long enough, it'll change.
Waiting for the stop sign to turn green. dandalyisgod
You know what? One time I treated a stop light like a stop sign and did not even realize until I was about 30 feet passed the red light I had just ran. I gasped. Really lucky it was night time and no one was around. That could've been really bad. FiddleSticks3333
34. The Effort Counts....
Make a beautiful stock out of a chicken carcass. Pour it into a colander to filter out the bones. Thus resulting in a colander full of bones and the stock down the drain. TheseWereThePlaces
33. Always finish the coffee!
Woke up. Grab the salt and pepper shakers I kept in my room when I was a teenager. Brought them out to the kitchen. Started making coffee while still holding the shakers. Halfway through realized I was still holding the shakers. Put them back in my room. Got dressed for school and left.
My mom yelled at me that night for not finishing making the coffee. Trackingwest
32. As clean as can be!
Put hand soap on my toothbrush like I'd done it 1000 times. Kakorat237
31. Let's have peace!
A guy threw a chair at me when I was a bouncer from the second floor arcade and shattered it on my head. I turned around, saw the guy staring at me in absolute horror, pointed at him keeping eye contact the entire time, gently grasped him by both shoulders and walked him back down the stairs, out the front door then sat down on the sidewalk curb and then came to my senses around 4 AM at the emergency room with a text containing the security footage of me doing this because I had suffered a pretty bad concussion and don't remember anything that night.
30. Who is gaslighting me?
Giphy
In my twenties i once took something out of the freezer and placed my tv remote back in there. It took me 5 days to find it, i looked everywhere for it. I looked in the car like 4 times alone even though i knew it couldn't be there, i looked under the mattress, removed all the pillows from the couch I don't know how many times. Every drawer at least 3 times.
The worst part is that I didn't find it, a friend of mine did, he was visiting and asking if he could have something to eat i said sure take whatever you like, check the freezer. 2 minutes later he said "why is your remote in the freezer?"
Mind blown.
29. The Soft Spark
I wanted toasted marshmallows so I found the grocery list and a pen. I wrote "Marshmallows" and "Fire." Stopitpoodle
28. Denny's it is!
Woke up, took a shower, packed my lunch, then started driving to work. About 20 minutes into the drive a realized it was very dark. It was about 3am. I worked 2nd shift, didn't need to be in until 1:30pm. Also it was a Sunday, the shop was closed on Sundays. Decided to eat breakfast at Denny's before heading back and going back to sleep. ZefyrGaming
27. A Universal Pass.
Bought a coffee from the little shop at the train station, and tried to pay for it by holding my monthly pass up at the barista. nullagravida
26. Information is Key?
Tried to unlock my locker using a usb stick. It was a flip up usb as well so I first put it against the lock, saw that I hadn't flipped out the bit you stick into a computer so pushed that out and then tried to unlock my locker again. Marshmallowboats
25. Bravo to Whomever!
My dad was watching some awards show on tv while I was on my computer. The crowd clapped after a winner was announced and I started clapping along even though I wasn't paying attention in the slightest. interrupting_milk
24. Look Down
Keep in mind I was in grade 1.
I was wearing my snow pants while frantically running around asking everyone where my snow pants are. Why did no one tell me. Nexio8324
23. Just Hold Me
Giphy
Seriously sleep deprived new dad; standing still in the fresh produce isle pushing the trolley back and forth, like a pram. A very nervous cleaner came up to me and asked me if I was ok. I was doing it for about 10 minutes.
A few months later, baby is with the grandparents, standing outside, holding my wife, and we both start rocking back and forth. Our non-parents friends burst out laughing. maxil_za
22. Where was I going?
Noticing my fuel light was on, I pulled off the highway to fill up. As I start to fuel, the attendant comes up and explains that they do the fueling in Oregon; it's not self serve.
Oh alright. I step aside and begin to sort out my priorities for the day. Let's see, I left my house in Tacoma to go to Costco. So what am I doing in Portland? lacedstraight
21. Uniformed Sleep
Woke up, changed, wore my school uniform, almost got out the house when my mum stopped me. Turns out, I was napping after I came from school. So I just woke up, changed from the uniform, put it on again, then was about to leave. riot_ball
20. The Stroke
Brushing my teeth one time while wondering round the house and without thinking I just spat the toothpaste out on the floor.
Thought I had a stroke or something
19. The Night Nurse
I used to work in telephone triage (the nurses you call at all hours of the night for advice), and would sometimes have to call the on-call doctor for additional help or to call in a prescription.
And on nights when I wasn't working, I would call my mom at night and our conversations would end with "Good night, sweet dreams, I love you!"
You see where this is going...
One night around 1am, I called the on-call doc to ask a question and she ended the conversation with "Good night".
So my sleep-deprived autopilot brain immediately responded with "Good night, sweet dreams, I love you!"
The best part? Her equally sleep-deprived brain responded with "Ok, love you too!" before hanging up.
She called back about 2 minutes later and we had a good long laugh about it.
18. Dream Clock
Morning alarm went off (in winter, so still dark) got up, made coffee, fed the dog, took her out, looked around and realized it was 'too' dark came back inside and realized it was 3AM not 6AM, I had dreamt the alarm and never questioned it... the pathetic thing is we have many decorative clocks. I must have walked by 5 while getting ready.
17. Spit
I was driving my car and had a build up of saliva. So I rolled down the window to spit outside. I then looked down, and spat directly on my crotch while driving.
16. The Ex's Front Porch
Drove myself to my ex girlfriends house when I was supposed to be going to dinner with my new girlfriend. I didn't snap out of it until I was on my ex's front porch about to knock. I went to turn away when my ex opened her door asking why I was there and if everything was okay. I just awkwardly stumbled over my words, turned away and walked back to my car and drove off.
15. Ka-Chunk-Flash-Flash
Spend a good minute trying to unlock my front door with my car remote, while my car is sat about five yards behind me going ka-chunk-flash-flash every time.
14. I Forgot I Quit
I stopped at a gas station, went inside and bought a pack of cigarettes. I went to my car, opened them. Wadded up the foil pieces, removed a cigarette and lit it. It tasted like I just licked a dirty ashtray. That's when I remembered that I had quit 6 months earlier.
I went back inside and left the pack on the counter, told the guy working that I forgot I quit.
- Euphtech
13. A Whole Shelf
Put ALL the toilet paper in the fridge. There was a whole shelf of cold toilet paper.
12. A Few Too Many
I went to a bar near my ex's apartment. The whole night I was thinking I can have a couple more than usual if I want to, I'll just walk home. It was only when I was walking up the stairs to her apartment that I remembered that we broke up two weeks ago and I live on the other side of town.
11. The Train Ride Home
Left work and walked a mile to the train station. Then I took the 45 minute train ride back to my home town. I got out of the train like normal, looked around the parking lot... and suddenly remembered that I drove to work that day.
- Hrekires
10. Don't Swallow The Ring
I believe mild heat exhaustion came into play in this scenario, it was a summer day & my boyfriend and I were hanging out by my pool and ended up falling asleep in the sun for a few hours. We went inside for a snack & then napped in my room, with the door shut so no air circulation.
Woke up suddenly in the dark to my phone alarm to take my birth control, and in my disoriented state I opened the ring box on my night stand & popped the ring inside into my mouth. I sat there feeling the metal on my tongue for a solid thirty seconds thinking something didn't feel right, but arguing with myself that this was something I did every day. I won the argument and didn't swallow the ring.
9. Wrong Hand
When I was around 12 I got given a $10 bill to go buy a sub from Subway. In my other hand I had a receipt which I intended to throw away. One thing in each hand so I couldn't mix them up, right? Wrong. I used the wrong hand. I put the $10 in the trash and walked to subway before realizing what I did, luckily it was still there when I looked in the trash can!
- ClubWRX
8. Buckle Up For This Jam Session
I sat down at my drum set, put my feet on the pedals ... aaaaaaand reached to put my seat belt on.
7. Desolate Roads
Strangest? Let's say scariest.
I live in very rural Midwest, and spend lots of weekends driving flat, straight, 1 and 2 lane highways/interstates with very little traffic and nothing to look at off the highway.
Several trips I have completed, and when arriving at my destination, think to myself where the heck the past X hours just go? I don't remember a moment from them. It's like my brain just shuts off out of boredom.
People will try to be justice warriors and condemn anyone who texts and drives at any chance they get, but you don't know how desolate the country can be (especially those in populous states/cities). Some of the drives require absolutely bare minimum attention. So naturally I gravitate to my phone, music, the views around me, etc. and it's baffling how little I actually pay attention to the road sometimes.
I should clarify, when I get into residential areas, any sort of traffic, etc. I put my phone down. I do consider myself to be a good, responsible driver. But I do believe that "absolutely no texting and driving ever" is unrealistic.
6. Calling The Dog
Sleep deprivation from grief does f*cked up sh!t to your head. I live at home and work from home - when my dog I had since childhood passed, I was utterly devastated. It was sudden, it was awful and I felt so guilty like, there was something I should've seen... But in the end, he was gone.
During my sleep deprivation period, I would wake up, go to let the dog out and feed him as part of my morning routine and then go make myself breakfast.
When I saw his food bowls weren't there on their tray, it didn't register to me. I thought he just knocked them under the table again. I got the door to the backyard open and called out for him.
And then it hit me all over again. The day he passed I went to go shove leftovers from dinner into his bowl when I had taken too much to eat and that set me off badly. With the calling him incident, I just went back to my room and curled up in bed until 3 PM.
I did sh!t like that a LOT because I wasn't sleeping. At all.
That stands as the strangest... and saddest. Sorry...
- Storm137
5. Soaked Sandwich
Made a sandwich with some expensive pate left over from Christmas and combined it with some lovely cheese from a local castle.
I then cut it in half and put the knife on the plate and threw half the sandwich in the sink where I was soaking a pan from earlier.
4. Wet Clothes
My nightly routine involved changing into my jim-jams, having a wee then putting my clothes in the laundry hamper. One night I dumped my clothes into the toilet bowl and was half-way to peeing in the hamper before I clicked back to reality.
3. Back To The Start
I was walking back to my flat from the train station. I have to wait near a bus stop to cross the road. It takes me about 2 minutes to walk home from the bus stop. All I need to do is wait for a break in traffic and cross.
The bus arrives while I'm waiting. For whatever stupid reason, I get on the bus. I then pay for my destination, which is the train station, right back where I started from.
The station is 20 minutes walk away from my flat - I should know because I JUST WALKED IT. I would have had to wait for another bus to leave, which would have taken another 30-40 minutes. So I walked. Again.
God, that was an excruciating journey home.
- smidgit
2. The Bathroom Key
I do it all the time with the bathroom at work. My office is inside of a larger office building so we share a bathroom with the other tenants. It's also locked to prevent non-employees from using it.
I can't count the number of times I've been on auto-piloted and did weird things with the key. Like putting the key in my pocket right away and then being confused why the bathroom door wouldn't open;
I've gone to the bathroom and completely forgotten the key; I've tried to unlock our office door with the bathroom key; I've tried to use the office key to unlock the bathroom; I've tried to use the bathroom key on the inside of the office lock when leaving for the bathroom.
You'd think that something as simple as opening a bathroom door wouldn't cause so much trouble, especially after using it at least once a day, five days per week.
1. Porch Diapers
We cloth diaper my son. A normal change goes: stuff new diaper with inserts, take off old diaper, clean butt, button new diaper. Wipes in the trash, diaper in the bucket by the washing machine.
I stuffed the clean diaper, took off the old one. Wiped his butt, put the old one back on, and threw the clean diaper on our front porch.
My brain was telling me i needed to feed the dog (on the porch) after the diaper change. My poor kid was still laying on the floor like, "This isn't right..." and my husband told me to go take a nap.
H/T: Reddit
Intruder
"I was 14, alone at my grandmas house around midnight."
"She was across the street at the bar she owned."
"I was playing games on her computer, about 15 feet from one of the windows facing the backyard."
"All of a sudden the glass from that window shatters, and I ran to one of the bedrooms."
"I can hear my name being called."
"Eventually I see my grandma's ex-boyfriend enter the living room where the computer is."
"He keeps saying my name."
"I’m scared sh*tless, but I walk out and confront him."
"He says my grandma stole his ID and that’s what he came for, as he’s taking money from my grandmas purse."
"He looks f*cked up on something."
"I forget how he leaves but when he does I call the bar and people come over looking for him."
"They didn’t find him."
"About a year later he did it again, and I was once again alone there."
"Except this time instead of breaking a window he decides to try to kick the side door in."
"I’m just there chilling when out of nowhere I hear the loudest bangs coming from the side of the house and I instantly knew what was happening."
"I immediately called the bar and they sent a bunch of people over before he could make it in."
"He apparently tried to jump from one of her sheds into the alley next to her house and broke his leg."
"He went to prison."- nfreshn
They're coming right for us!
"Two bison charging right toward me down a narrow wooded path in Yellowstone when I was 12."- pcc2
Open Range Running GIF by Reconnecting RootsGiphyUncomfortable in new surroundings.
"My sister has mental health issues."
"We were in a foreign country, driving across mountains on a one lane dirt road with no guardrails."
"She had a complete mental breakdown and threatened many times to drive off the edge."
"To this day, my mom swears my sister wouldn't have done it."
"All I say is, 'you weren't in the car'."
"'You have no idea'."- BlorengeJulius
Lost in the woods.
"Getting lost on 350 acres of woods in southeast Georgia."
"Was found about 6 hours later."
The dog found me hours before the people did.- No_Regrats_42
Scared Woods GIF by Brat TVGiphyA near death experience.
"Was working as a linemen tasked to replace a 16m wooden power pole which requires climbing up to untie the lines from the isolators."
"I checked if the pole had any rot beforehand, climbed up, untied the lines, climbed down, as I was packing my tools up , the pole fell from its own."- LimaRadek
He wasn't who he claimed to be.
"A man claiming to be a meter reader was in our yard and tried the back door AFTER trying the front."
"It was unlocked because there was a field behind us and our gate had a lock, that he somehow got by."
"The meter reader man was nearly eaten by our Great Dane who was dumb and peaceful, except for when she laid eyes on him."
"Our other dog also wanted to kill him and he was up on our trampoline begging us to call the dogs off, which we, my then 11 year old sister and I, refused to do and went to get our dad, who worked from home."
"The guy escaped while we got our dad and my dad let the police know what happened."
"The real meter reader man came the next week."- Applesintheorchard
Dog Bouncing GIF by AFV PetsGiphyHad no idea what they were witnessing.
"I guess watching a loved one have a seizure when I didn’t understand what it was."
"Legit thought I witnessed a death."
"Scary stuff."- Peppapigisgodly
Always look both ways.
"I got hit by a car while in a crosswalk a few months back."
"Had a split second where I saw him coming and realized what was about to happen."
"I thought I was going to die."- jolalolalulu
Big Sister to the Rescue.
"Saved my sisters life."
"We were boating and my parents just kinda assumed we’d be ok with them only out a couple hundred feet."
"I was about 17 and she was about 7."
"I’m laying there chilling and see her slip and fall into the water and just straight up sink."
"Ran over, dove in and pulled her to shore."
"She spit up a bunch of water and was fine but that experience rocked me to my core."
"Not a super crazy story but almost seeing a sibling die has always stuck with me."
"I’ve broken almost every bone in my body, I died one time and was in a coma for a little bit but for some reason this one stuck with me."- Present-Trip5231
Often, an experience that left us scared does make for a good story down the line.
Though whether it was a good enough story to make having gone through the experience worth it, is debatable.
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Waiting tables was always the bane of my existence. Customers are rude. Staff is rude. It never ends.
Filthy Hours
Fail Just For Laughs GIFGiphy"Trash men. They’re looked down on as dirty and uneducated, but they do a hard job that is absolutely critical to our public health."
kirkl3s
You're Out!
"Youth sports officials. I umpire baseball as a hobby and the way parents act is deplorable."
kennsing75
"The parents on the other hand deserve loads of hate sometimes. I was a coach for soccer and volleyball while I was in the Air Force. You would have loved to be a sports official for our leagues at our base. If a parent got sh**ty they are immediately ejected, no questions, and reported to whoever is their higher authority. It almost never happened."
DaniTheLovebug
Behind the Counter
"Any customer (client/patient) facing job. They get the abuse that stems from managements decisions, mistakes and incompetence."
HighlyOffensive10
"I did customer service for automotive companies at a call center for years. People get so unhinged, between dealerships, management, people calling into the wrong department, angry customers who were itching for a fight over a rental car. The job paid for five free therapy sessions a year, but honestly, it would take every ounce of restraint not to break some days."
"You aren't allowed to defend yourself or hang up, you can't transfer them to supervisors for a call, you technically work for a third party company that exists to keep the customer from ever actually speaking to the corporation. It was the worst job I've ever had, and that's coming from someone who used to work at a seafood processing plant."
Bromelia_and_Bismuth
I'm Hungry
"Food service. The workers have to eat too, you know."
stinky_cheese33
"Working fast food sucked. Not because the job was hard. But because people were *icks. For like, no reason. Working in an actual kitchen also sucked. Not because the work was hard, but because you never did it quick enough and your boss was a *ick for like no reason. But at least you didn't deal with customers."
thedankbank1021
Too much stress...
Jim Carrey Omg GIFGiphy"Defense attorneys. People hate them because they defend violent criminals. However, as one lawyer put it, their job is not just to defend these people; their job is also to make sure that the cops did their job correctly."
TomoyoHoshijiro
I've always wondered about defense attorneys. How do they reconcile their morals?
They're Smart Too
will birth control GIFGiphy"I live in Germany and currently in my (hopefully) last semester of university to become a pharmacist (4 years of university, one practical year and three exams of state required). A lot of people here think pharmacists are only cashiers and don’t know we get a scientific education. And God help me if I question a doctor's decision."
this_is_lune
Hard Hours
"I usually just lurk as a guest, but I made a Reddit account just for this. Cooks for public schools. They are constantly overworked, underpaid, and disrespected. Most schools have only a few ovens and microwaves, so school chefs have to either jam unsafe amounts of frozen food into ovens and microwaves, which is a giant fire hazard, or work non-stop from early morning."
Clingitty
Green Thumbed
"Plant breeders and plant geneticists. Imagine you're a plant nerd and you spend your life studying genetics so you can figure out how to improve food crops. Like, to make them yield more, taste better, be healthier, survive drought, etc. But on the internet, you're apparently trying to poison the world and control the food supply."
kjhvm
Heartless
"Veterinarians. My doctors CONSTANTLY get yelled at or called heartless when, for instance, we refer them to a hospital more suited to care for the animal than us. Like bro we didn't just tell you know we are giving you options and trying to ensure you seek the proper care. Don't call me a heartless b**tard for that crap."
Zfullz
No Fun Involved
Angry Neil Flynn GIFGiphy"Janitors. Trash-related work. Sewage workers. Plumbing."'
SubiWhale
I feel for everyone in these jobs. They deserve better.
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In other states, you and your ladies can live a more peaceful life. Here in Florida, it's A Song of Sweat And Fire Ants.
Ever get tiny little jellyfish stuck under your side-boob? Happens here all the time.
Bikinis should come with a "Sand Lice, Your Titty Crease, And You" informational pamphlet.
Wanna jog? Hope you accounted for the fact that the air is soup and will chafe and cauterize your nipples.
Know what limits your field of vision, making you more likely to accidentally step on a snake and/or gator? Boobs.
Know what slows you down as you try to escape the angry reptile from the above paragraph? Also boobs.
Reddit user Saibotnl1 asked:
"What's the most negative thing about having boobs?"
Now take all this stuff they said sucked, and then put it inside of a steam oven filled with mosquitos. That's Florida.
And Florida is incompatibile with breasts.
Cardio Is Hardio
GIF by VIASWEATGiphy"I love them but running can be a nuisance even in a good sports bra."
- [Reddit]
"When I go to work, there is a woman that usually runs on the shoulder of the road. I gasp at how much her boobs bounce. Isn't that doing damage to tissue? Painful?"
- notanotherbreach
"Yes! I literally always hold mine when going up/down stairs so they dont bounce. Running is uncomfortable even with a good bra :/ "
- k_g94
"If it's a sports bra that holds you, it's so tight that it's impossible to get into or out of without a whole team of people like a pit crew."
"If you can comfortably get into it, it won't hold the girls for long."
"Cardio is just not worth all this."
-[Reddit]
"As a kid I wasn't fit enough for jump rope, but now that I'm older and have the big boobies it feels even more impossible to ever indulge in."
- PoiLethe
Literally In The Way
"They get in the way!!"
"Lately I've been getting frustrated with exercise. My personal trainer will say to hold something a certain way and I'll try but it's so uncomfortable because my boobs are completely in the way."
"She has small boobs so she doesn't account for them being in that space right in front of your chest."
- J09Lynn
"My English teacher in 10th grade was drinking water one day when a few drops landed on his shirt. He then complained about getting older and how he never stuck out far enough to get his shirt wet."
"I just sighed."
"4th grade. 4th grade is when I stuck out too much to avoid drips."
- wheredMyArmourGo
"So very much this."
"I refuse to do mountain climbers when my trainer suggests it, she started to get mad saying it's a great exercise. My retort was that I'd really rather not knee myself in the breasts as part of my workout."
"The lady has small boobs and replied that she had never thought of that!"
- Pauliester
Growing Pains
"Probably growing them."
"It hurts, and if you get big boobs young and quickly, it’s both physical and social agony."
"It hurts to grow them, first of all, your chest aches and bumping them against anything really hurts - and since they’re a sudden, large addition to your body, you’re ALWAYS bumping them on stuff."
"But the social aspect is worse."
"Your female family members comment on them slyly and smirk at your response."
"Your male friends look at you weird and you have to realize they see you as more sexual than girls with smaller chests, even though you literally cannot control this."
"Other girls can be nasty and jealous."
"Eventually I learned to manage all this and I like having breasts now; but from like 11-16 I was so frustrated and upset that I had developed them at all."
- Individual_Ad_7523
Two Volcanos
rachael ray boob sweat GIF by First We Feast: Hot OnesGiphy"The sweat and itch!"
"Also that they're like two volcanos, which isn't especially practical during summers or when you're a constantly hot temperatured person anyway."
- Queen-of-meme
"No matter what I try, the skin under my boobs never cools down!"
- Local_Masterpiece_
"Boob sweat is the bane of my existence when it's even a little bit hot outside - and sometimes even when it's not lol..."
- PleasuredMeatStick
"I hate the feeling of sweat on my boobs. I just put tissue between and underneath my boobs to hopefully absorb the sweat so it won’t start to itch and drip."
- LuckyBugHarley
Technological Advancements
"I STILL am not able to remove them after a long day. Why?!"
"Why can't I just set em aside for the night, all done. Why hasn't technology advanced to this possibility yet??"
- IAmNotLookingatYou
"Absolutely they would. The relief we would get ... oh my god it sounds divine."
"Maybe I wouldn’t be so b*tchy."
- Object_Prize
"I’d honestly probably only wear them for ren faire, and leave them at home the rest of the year."
- AbbyNormalKnits
Double Trouble
"The double standard of girls with small chests and big chests."
"If you have a big chest no matter what you wear or do it's sexual. But for girls with smaller chests they can get away with crop tops or v necks or even swim suits."
- BigBunsLittleBunbun
"Lol the bigger girls who spent their entire grade school years getting sent to the principal's office for breaking dress code will agree with you."
"Loose shirts will tent and billow up in the wind as you walk-- dress coded."
"Tight shirts that don't tent but cling to your chest-- dress coded."
"And don't even think about anything but a crew neckline, or you'll be dress coded again."
- cryptic-coyote
"Exactly!"
"I always got in trouble for wearing dresses in school, but skinny Minnie wearing something even worse gets by no problem just because she doesn't fill it out the way I do."
- APD2269
Expensive
Happy Music Video GIF by DJ MustardGiphy"They're expensive."
"Bras are expensive and you need regular bras, sports bras, probably something special like a strapless or low back if you have a special occasion or something."
"And don't even get me started on women's healthcare ..."
- SailorSpoon11
"Stage 4 breast cancer patient here, and it costs me about an extra $5000/yr to stay alive if everything goes well."
- insertcaffeine
"I just stopped breastfeeding and none of my bras fit anymore."
"I’ve just been wearing sports bras every day because I don’t even know what cup size I am anymore and I don’t want to spend a fortune replacing all of my bras."
- kaytay3000
"Plus if you choose not to wear bras for any number of reasons, you’re treated as deviant or an acceptable target of inappropriate attentions."
- letsjumpintheocean
Getting Comfortable
"Laying on your stomach can be tricky."
- ChadweenaThundervag
"Laying on your back can be tricky as well."
"And on your side."
"Just laying in general with big boobs is a hassle."
- Skkaj225
"Am guy."
"However women in my life have found it difficult to get a decent back massage because of this. I've seen plenty of massage tables with head holes, but none with boob support..."
- DeluxeWafer
"Semi-suffocating yourself on the beach while trying to get some sun on your back is fun."
- Miikami
Either Or
"The fact that I look like a walking refrigerator if I wear a loose fitting top, as it billows shapelessly around my body in an odd fabric rectangle."
"But if I wear something form fitting, I look like a lady of the night and am treated as such."
- batchofbetterbutter
"OMG this !!"
"I feel like all my girlfriends around me have such a fashion sense and can wear things with such grace but I always look as you’ve described. Like either I look like a couch pillow or Jessica Rabbit."
"Sometimes I just want to cut them off honestly."
- octokisu
"Yeah I’ve been wanting a reduction since a was a teen because of the back pain and catcalling, and many people I know with a bigger chest feel the same way."
- didithedragon
"I had no idea women hated their boobs so much! It honestly is shining a light on an idea I have never thought of."
- Peter_the_pear
Attempted Murder
Black Woman Breast Cancer Awareness GIF by Know Your GirlsGiphy"They might try to kill me."
"Breast cancer runs in my family and I have to have my first mammogram this year at 36."
"My mom was negative for both BRCA genes but there are 6 others they’ve discovered since she had cancer that we haven’t been tested for."
"Insurance won’t cover me to test unless she tests positive for one."
- Outrageous-Proof4630
"Fun fun fun."
"My mom died from breast cancer at 46. I started getting mammograms at 34."
"Luckily, I took the BRCA test and was negative."
- lil_ho_on_da_prairie
It's Constant
"Constantly being sexualized."
"I’m the least sexual person but people assume I’m super sexual because of my body. And I hate it"
- Plus_Bison_7091
"Yup, I'm ace and I honestly just want them chopped off to be rid of the constant sexualization of my body."
"It makes me really uncomfortable."
- zapsquad
"My friend in elementary school had a condition where she went into puberty super early and had large breasts by 3rd grade."
"We would walk together to elementary school every morning and get cat called a lot, but we were too afraid to tell our parents because we thought they wouldn't let us walk together anymore."
"She would have teachers make comments about them."
"When we were older she talked about how insanely awful and alienating it made her feel growing up. Her younger sister had the same condition, but went on puberty blockers for it."
- gentlybeepingheart
Destroyed
"These pendulous bags of hell have destroyed my back."
"Even a decade after a reduction surgery, I remain in daily pain. And now as an added bonus they get to be misshapen, scarred horribly, and completely useless for raising a baby."
- Originalluff
"I didn’t realize how heavy they are until I got together with girl with big boobs and woooooow they are heavy!"
- I_love_pillows
"I got C cups in fifth grade and those f*ckers went all the way to G by senior year."
"My posture was/is awful and I've felt like an old woman since I was a teenager. I don't even want babies, so they're never actually gonna be useful either."
- Rozeline
See what I mean?
They're kind of awful once they hit a certain size, and that size is pretty much ANY size if you're in Florida.
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