Raising children isn't for everybody. That is a cold, hard fact that everyone should really comprehend.
Being a parent is one of the most, if not the most, important jobs in the world, it's a calling really. And being a good parent is essential.
Being an unwanted human is the most devastating feeling in life. So that's why I get so aggravated when people try to push others to have children when they're not ready or are unsure.
There is so much avoidable pain and heartache by just being honest.
Redditor u/SniperGlizzy was wondering about some of the hard truths when it comes to parenting by asking people to share... [Serious] What is it like to have children you don't want?"Not Me"
Kids are not for everybody, especially me. I have little patience and I'm selfish... but all in good ways. ; Just not in the ways that best rear a child. I love kids from afar. And giving them back to their parents after hanging out for a bit is the greatest feeling of all. It's too bad that the people on this thread realized that far too late.
Not the Plan
I girl I worked with had a five year plan. Get a designer man, have a massive wedding, travel to fancy hotels and have a baby. She managed it all except the baby.
Two years of IVF later and still no baby.
After a long adoption process they get a 6 month old. Three months later they give him back and divorced.
She realised that she had only wanted a baby because that what people did and that meant she was successful! She had never thought about what having a baby meant and what it would do to her 'perfect' life.
The husband couldn't live with what she had decided so left. At least the baby went to a couple who did want him eventually, instead of staying with her.
Thanks Bro...
I have custody of my brother's kids. I didn't want them. I already have one of my own. My brother's kids are not as well behaved as my children. It is very frustrating. I love them. I will protect them and take care of them. I find myself very upset by the fact that I just can't seem to love them as much as my children. It's depressing. I hate myself because I feel this way. I wish it was just my children a lot of the times.
My brother's kids put a strain on my marital relationship, because they act out so much. My brother is homeless and addicted to drugs, with really no hope of him getting better. Heroin sucks. I just wish it would go back to a family of three. 7 is just too much for most things. Want a regular sized vehicle with smaller monthly payments and lower insurance? Nope, gotta have something that seats 7 or more. Holidays? Gotta plan on a family size of 7 instead of three. It's frustrating.
I try so hard to not let my nieces and nephews see that I struggle with this. But kids are smart and I know they pick up on this. I hate that I can't just be happy with this. At least for their sake. Can't talk to family about it. I'm this hero who took the kids so they wouldn't end up in foster care or group homes. But I'm really not a hero. I stepped up because no one else would, but I don't think I'm cut out for it.
The Nanny
I was a nanny for a lady who really didn't want children but needed up having 5 because she loved her husband. Each of her pregnancies her medical condition got worse, with her youngest she had to be in the hospital for two months because she had so many kidney stones. Part of her condition is she produces kidney stones at a crazy rate, and they are rare stones that have a hook on them. Her kidneys are also more like a sponge looking organ than kidney, that aren't functioning over 25%. She would give her life for those kids even though she never wanted them.
Crappy part, when the youngest was 2, her health was declining a lot. And her husband, left her for a chick he just met because, and I quote "I'm sick of you being sick." I miss those kids so much and I miss her. She got full custody and has even better insurance now that her ex left her. And he pays huge in child support and alimony every month.
Goals...
I don't know if I fall into that category, but sometimes I feel like I do. I love my kids, and I'm told I'm a pretty good dad, and sometimes I enjoy it... but most of the time it's just draining. I explain it as being like an introvert at a party full of strangers — it's not that caring for kids is painful or whatnot, just like talking to strangers isn't painful. It's just draining. It sucks the energy out of you, whether you're good at it or not.
At a party, my goal is that the people I talk with feel heard and cared about and have fun, and that no one knows I'm secretly watching the clock waiting to leave — and with kids my goal is that they're happy and engaged and feel loved and wanted and cared for, and don't think I'm counting the seconds to bedtime. But accomplishing that drains me.
I understand that there are people out there who enjoy spending time with kids, just like there are people who enjoy talking to strangers — and suffice it to say I'm just not one of them.
So I guess I want my kids, but what I really want is for my kids to magically be old enough that they're no longer draining, and for me to get my life back a little. I mean, I love them and I want them to be happy and if anyone ever tried to take them from me I would go to hell and back to prevent it.
But when was the last time I took a bike ride? When was the last time I looked forward to the weekend rather than seeing it as an exhausting slog? When was the last time I went into Monday a little rested, rather than just beaten down and exhausted? And, as importantly, when's the next time I'll get to do so? Five years from now? Ten? Will I be young enough to even enjoy it?
So, I don't know if I'm in this category — probably not. But I definitely do feel that way a lot more than I'd like.
20/20
It set the tone for the rest of my life, one of those hindsight is 20/20 things. I honestly believe if I'd never had a kid, particularly as young and alone as I was in a very socially backwards area, I'd have made a lot more of myself. I know that could be taken as self-rationalization for lack of trying and failures. But I also know how I felt, how I have never bonded with my kid, and how both our lives could have been a lot better had I either waited to have her, or let another couple adopt her like I wanted but was forced out of the choice.
"Scars"
Oof those are tough tales. I pray that everyone who has been affected by these kinds of abandonment can find the mental help necessary. Children need structure and love so that they can feel safe. If you know in your heart you can step up for all of that, then just say it.
The Favorite
I was conceived to replace a baby boy that died. My mom was so disappointed I was a girl, she forgot my name for a while, and now I have 2 middle names. I had a brother growing up who was favored by both my parents, but he really was amazing. He was my favorite too. He died 5 years ago in a motorcycle wreck, and I'm the least favorite (my mom admitted this freely), also I am the last remaining child. *** Also, I don't care that my parents are disappointed that I was the one that survived.
I've made myself who I want to be. I only talk to my dad occasionally, and my mom became an alcoholic, because 2 of her kids died. I don't talk to her. Shrug. My life is separated from theirs, and I encourage other people to cut off the cancerous people, even if it's your parents. It's liberating.
MS
I know someone who was diagnosed with MS and had 5 kids because each pregnancy her MS got better. She was a terrible mother. No involvement with her kids. Imagine growing up and at some point you figure out you were a medical treatment your mother was using to not have MS episodes.
8 of 9...
I grew up #8 of 9 kids, my oldest sister was responsible for raising each and every one of us, to this day she resents our mom for stealing her childhood. My sister has told us stories where as newborns we'd cry and my mom refused to get up and get us, she waited until my sister who was a full time student, to get up and take care of us while my mom just continued to lay in bed.
My mom knew she could continue to collect welfare as long as she had children in the house so she prolonged her welfare dependence by having so many children.
What A Woman Wants
I think this is a conversation that more women (especially), should have. You are close to being burnt at the stake if you confess that actually if you could turn back the clock, you wouldn't have children. I feel that these conversations may stop perpetuating this idea that 1) if you're a woman you will automatically adore your children 2) you have more options than just having children. Women do also go through things such at PND, and maybe others talking about it won't make them feel so guilty and alienated.
Checkout Time
Its like having some guests at your house that never never get around to leave for years, but you must take care of them to avoid getting into trouble and judged by others.
Honesty First
I had genetic testing done during very early pregnancy to screen for congenital problems and mentioned I would abort if they were present. I had friends severely upset with me about this. I know I couldn't handle a disabled child financially or emotionally, I had to be honest with myself.
Who is that Guy?
I remember having to stop at my dad's work, the receptionist leading me back to his office, and her gushing about what a great guy he is and what a diligent worker to put in so much overtime. Just listening to this woman fail to realize she was describing an absent father, and a mean one at that.
Peer Pressure
This question makes me think of the guy who posted about having pressured his ex into having the baby when she found out she was pregnant. She agreed but only if she could give up all parental rights and (at time of posting) pays more than the required child support. He wanted to know if there was any way he could legally oblige her to take care of the child.
Like, this lady got pregnant, didn't want to have a child, and agreed to carry the pregnancy to term only if she had nothing to do with the baby besides paying child support.
Buuuuuut 1.5 years later the guy realized being a single father was hard and wanted to know if he had any way to legally force the bio mom to physically help raising their son.
I don't remember where I saw the post, might have been r/legaladvice
Empty Feelings
I have spoken with a woman who feels nothing towards her kids. She had them because that is what the church requires and her husband wants them. But I don't think it's just the kids.
Even though she says she loves her husband I don't think that's what she feels for him. She was picked on severely growing up and he is really good to her. I think it's "thankfulness " that she feels and confuses it with love.
Anyways she knows that it's wrong (her words) to not love her kids and decided to view parenting as a project with the best possible outcome is have her children grow into healthy, happy and well adjusted adults.
She did clarify that she doesn't hate them or resent them. After all they were part of her life plan. So she made up a way following all the best parenting advice and making sure she follows through. For example, keeps track of how often she cuddles them (by minutes noted in her journal) and if she notices that she hasn't been doing it a lot she tries to correct it.
She also leaves discipline up to her husband because she doesn't want them to associate any negative feelings towards her.
She knows they'll eventually be able to recognize her lack of feelings towards them and will think her discipline came from a bad place.
From what she told me she has never explained any of this to her husband and he has no clue how she feels.
This conversation lasted about 4 hours and was the moment I realized that you can CHOOSE to be a good parent or a bad one. Regardless of how you feel it's never the child's fault and an adult is responsible for making up for what they lack.
The 3
I have three (a girl and twin boys). I really thought I wanted kids because that's what I thought I was supposed to do... be a wife and have kids.
I love them, and I want the best for them. But I don't have the same connection to them that other moms seem to have. I don't miss them when I have to go on a long trip, I just feel relief. Having them home because of the pandemic has been really hard for me. I have a lot of guilt about it.
I don't withhold affection or anything, but I'm not a naturally affectionate person.
My husband is. I feel pretty lonely and left out when they're playing together, I feel like I don't belong. It's a weird dichotomy.
I don't really know. Even though I'm surrounded by family, it feels pretty damn lonely. I don't feel like I belong in my own life. I fantasize about taking off alone and living somewhere by myself. But I don't want to mess them up like that, they're innocent and don't deserve it. So I do my best, and hope I'll be alive in 10 years to be alone again.
The Trap
Ex girlfriend baby trapped me. She stopped taking her birth control and didn't tell me. Then cheated on me while pregnant. (She was, and still is a sh*tty person) At that point, I wanted nothing to do with her and was not prepared to be a father. I was young and dumb and still learning who I was and what I wanted to do with my life.
She gave me the option to walk away and never see the kid again. I thought about it but couldn't bring myself to knowing my kid was out there was going to weigh heavily on my conscience.
It was difficult at times. While my friends were studying, partying, travelling I was working and learning to be a father. I didn't want this kid but here I was and I was going to make the best of the situation.
My daughter is 13 now and I have full custody. Her mother is a piece of crap and my daughter is old enough to know the difference. She's with me now and I couldn't be happier. My daughter is a driving force in my life. I need to be responsible, I need to be accountable, I need to be financially successful. It keeps me going forward and has really made the man I am today. Having a kid when you're barely 20 has ways of making or breaking someone. My daughter was the child I didn't want but ended up being what I needed.
Point Blank
My mother point blank told us she didn't want children and my father had begged and begged her for me. Then my younger sister was an accident. It's always been an awkward, very strained and very tainted relationship. For a long time I held a ton of resentment and disgust for her. It's made me into what I consider to be a pretty great parent though- I wanted children and even knowing I'd be giving up sleep and freedoms I knew I wanted them to KNOW they were wanted, planned for, adored.
My dad remarried and adopted two children of his second wife's then they had one together, making us a family of 5. Now I get so much in way of a rich childhood for my children with all their cousins and aunt and uncles to love them. It's not always completely life ruining I suppose but it did have a profound affect on how the first half of my life went for sure, how I felt about myself.
What Could've Been
A very close friend has two children (6 and 2 1/2), but really because her husband wanted kids and she knew he'd leave her if she stood her ground on not wanting kids.
She loves her kids with all her heart, but misses the life she could've had without them. Aside from work (just started her residency) all she does is being a mom, she has little to no time for her own hobbies anymore, and misses that a lot.
I can't say if the kids notice that, at their age, but I worry they might, at some point, or that she'll one day just crack and resent either her kids or her husband for taking that childfree life from her.
A Strong Son
My ex husband was emotionally abusive and, if I'm being completely honest with myself, forced me into getting pregnant 3 months after going into labor and losing our daughter at 20 weeks.
I wasn't ready and I hadn't really had a chance to grieve - he quit his job 3 days into my required maternity leave, so I had to go back to work as soon as physically possible.
Our son was 13 weeks early, spent two months in the nicu and cost over a million dollars in his first year.
Thank goodness for good insurance! Now my son is almost 7, his "father" hasn't been in the picture for years, and until recently, I was doing it all on my own.
My son showed incredible strength to grow big enough to breath on his own and come home, so I've made it my mission to give him a great life and make sure he never knows that I didn't want to be a parent after my daughter died.
Say it out Loud
My girlfriend had a 2 year old when I met her. He's 5 now.
I didn't plan to have kids, but I love her. I'm pretty much used to it, I teach him stuff and he's attached to my hip when he's here (joint custody with the father) but ideally I'd have preferred to not have a kid around.
I can deal though. He can be a little crap-head sometimes lmao. Also it's weird disciplining someone else's kid so I'm just getting there, I can see the betrayal in his eyes, I'm supposed to be like the fun uncle, getting on to him is weird.
Never really said that out loud this is liberating.
Not Me
blackish tracee ellis ross GIF by ABC NetworkGiphyI have kids and I wanted them. But, I was an unwanted kid. My mom and non-bio dad married when I was young.
He raised me, but I never felt love from him at all. He married her to get her out of a bad situation. I thought he didn't want kids, but when I was about 5/6, my sister was born. He wanted kids. He just didn't want me. I saw how different he was with her, and his other kids they had later. Those who have kids that you don't want—they're aware on some level.
Evil
I was the literal red-headed step-child, my mother married him when I was 4 years old. I'd get hit, locked in my room, and just assumed this was normal dad stuff. My brother was born when I was 8 years old - it killed me to note the difference. My primary function became almost full time nanny for him and later my sister. I remember getting beat because I wasn't doing a good job potty training brother.
The state removed me from the home after I was almost beat to death by him. F**k that guy - he died miserably of liver cancer. My mother never left him.
Every now and then well meaning aunties tell me I'll regret not being close to my mother, and I just kind of laugh. I made myself, without her, no need to try to wedge her back into my life.
"the next kid"
I've honestly thought about this question before. My son (14months M) was planned, and he is incredible, absolutely a light in our lives. On the other hand, I was super ill the entire pregnancy, depressed and struggling up until a few months ago. Now, this was made worse by two moves (military), and covid of course, but I never ever want to do this again. Not quite the same, but similar.
We get so much pressure on "the next kid" from friends and family, and EVERYONE assumes you'll have more.
I absolutely am one and done, at least biologically. I did not enjoy the baby days, and now that he's a toddler, he's amazing. I know two would just be above my capacity, and I would regret having another.
That being said, my husband and I are both really drawn to fostering, and will likely do so when we are at our final posting location and our kid is a bit older.
The Unwanteds
If you never had a mother it is very hard to be a mother. Raised by people to whom you were an unwanted burden, an imposition, the child who was always in the way - a person like that, like me, does not know how to love. You know you are supposed to - you see it on TV, in the movies, you read about it in books but somehow it never happens.
If you where born and raised in a place and time where there was no birth control, abortion was illegal, a lot of children were not wanted. And then the child became an adult who did not know how to love any thing. This is a common enough story, no one likes to hear it so it does not get told.
Years of Bologna
I can tell you what its like being the unwanted child. I went to the dentist once in my first 17 years. I had broken my nose twice and I just had to walk it off. I never saw a doctor. I would get yelled at if my shoes wore out too quick and they were Payless $19.99 shoes. As soon as was able to drive the dinner table was only set for two instead of three because I could get my own food now.
My lunch was a Bologna white bread sandwich and an apple for 10 years straight. Fast forward I moved in with my grandma, she said she would help out with college if I helped out around the house. First few months she got me in the dentist fixed all my teeth and I got some braces on. Second I was a mouth breather so I went to a plastic surgeon fixed my deviated septum right up.
She also co signed on a car loan so I could get around. She embraced every friend that came to the house while growing my up friends hid from my dad because he was so mean. My grandma noticed that I would get home and run to my room and one day she told me I don't have to hide in there I can hang out wherever I want. Thats the difference between being a burden and being wanted.
That Woman
I read this Reddit story once that I have never been able to forget. It was a confession I think- can't remember the subreddit. This woman had a kid she didn't want, I can't remember the circumstance of whether if was her's or a dead sibling's. Anyway, she talked about how she felt so guilty for not loving him that she worked extra hard to give him a good life- all her money went toward his education and things he wanted. But the part I can't forget is that she had set an alarm on her phone to go off everyday to remind her to tell him that she loved him, because it didn't come naturally to tell him that and she was afraid of him not feeling loved.
That story is an amazing reminder that love comes in so many forms and looks different for everyone. She doesn't love him, but is so worried about his well being that she goes to lengths many, many people with kids would never consider to go to to make him feel wanted and happy. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
The "Good"Mom
I love my son, I would die for him, I'd kill for him if I had to.
Yet, if I could go back in time and not have children then I would. I was not prepared for a child, even though I worked, we planned this pregnancy. I was not prepared for how much I'd lose myself and my whole identity. I was not prepared for the sleep depravation, the constant screaming, the colic.
I think overall I had a very bad experience. I was very very sick after having a baby.
I will NEVER let my son know this, I will NEVER let my son feel he is unloved or unwanted. It was not his choice to be born.
EDIT:okay wow I did NOT expect this to blow up the way it did. To those calling me a good mom, thank you. To those saying I'm a terrible mom well I don't care what you say lol, this is why women do not talk about this kinda stuff and suffer in silence.
To anyone really struggling and want to talk to someone who won't give judgement please dm me.
The Faker
I think my mom regrets having me. We have a weird relationship. She doesn't like me as a person and wasn't engaged with me as a child, but she did all the stuff she should do, and beyond. She just doesn't like me as a person. She's ok with my older brothers.
It's made me very convinced that if you don't want children, you shouldn't have them. It also makes me uneasy when parents judge other parents for not wanting their kids. There's not a good solution, but as an adult, I wish she had just raised me and not tried to fake liking me as a person through my 20s.
Performance Art
My mom was very interested in performing motherhood in front of others, and I think she liked babies being completely dependent and unable to speak. Once I got older, started becoming more independent (more than my sister) she really started to dislike me. She was interested in the idea of motherhood, but not too keen on the work of being a mom. She gets along better with my older sister, but that's not saying a lot. My mom was very parent identified, so if she could have lived with her parents forever (without social judgment) I think she would have.
Big Thanks
Seth Meyers Thank You GIF by Late Night with Seth MeyersGiphyMy husband and I just got married and I've been wavering about my childfree decision because I'm almost 30. I've been wondering whether I could tolerate a baby. This thread just reaffirmed my decision. Thank you all for being honest.
Doing my Best
I can only speak on my experience. I had got pregnant for my neglect in not taking my birth control properly. I did NOT want a child, but I could not bring myself to abort either. Family pressure, I'll just say that. When she was born, I felt like I had postpartum depression (not diagnosed medically). I didn't want to be around her, feed her, change her, be with her. But... I did it anyway. My motherly instincts kicked in and I did all I could to keep her comfy and happy.
There were many times of regret and hopelessness that this little girl had flipped my world upside down and I was very unhappy with the way my life was going because of her. Suddenly, she started talking. She soon started walking. She started eating on her own. She started dancing, singing, and playing. She went to kindergarten. She started having a sense of style. She played video games with me.
She excelled in school. She understands meme culture without me having to explain it. She's beautiful and smart and I wouldn't change her for the world. Sure, there are still selfish moments where I would like to escape and be on my own and do my own thing. But more and more, I find myself thinking, "This might be more fun if my kid was with me."
Bad Times
I am really not proud to share this, but I went through a period of bad drug addiction resulting from mental illness and an abusive relationship (with the dad) so I actually had a period of time where I didn't want my children. Not as in I didn't want them to exist, I do and always have loved them, but I didn't want them WITH me basically because I knew that I was incapable of taking care of any of us so I was constantly overwhelmed, exhausted, and just wanted everything to stop.
It was the worst and most heartbreaking period of my life because they deserved so much better and I knew it but I couldn't give that to them and every time they showed me any kind of affection I just wanted to break down because I didn't feel like I deserved it and didn't really know how to react.
I'm happy to say that I am now getting my crap together and we have a good relationship (I'm extremely grateful that they're still young and have no memories of the Bad Times.) At any rate, the problem was with me, not them.
Call me selfish...
I helped raise my ex's 4 yr old until she was about 6 or 7. I never got used to it. Yes I loved her very much and would do anything for her. I just couldn't deal with the crying and lack of sleep and being disobedient. Everytime I wanted to do something like play a game, go the bathroom or have a conversation with her mom she always butted in. Also she was an only child and always wanted me to play dolls with her or something. I just couldn't handle someone needing my attention like that all the time. Call me selfish. I went from being single for years to being daddy. I just realized I cant do it.
Don't Ruin Lives!!
My sister got pregnant by a total piece of crap she knew for 3 months.
Nephew born, he split. Loves her son, but not enough to take care of him. She moved in with my parents and passed all parenting duties to them.
It's obvious she resents him. She screams at him over little things. Everyone is miserable.
At 22...
It's been a mixed bag. I had my son while I was 22, strung out, and going through a massive depression phase. I worked hard and saved money, and then my dad passed away unexpectedly a few months before my son was born. My wife and son moved into our family home, and it was functional. I hadn't stopped using, and it became the only way I could function. I used so I could work on 2-3 hours a sleep a night. Outside of working, my wife wasn't very helpful. Then she got caught smoking pot in the house, and my mom tried to have her arrested.
We were kicked out, homeless, and we lost custody of our son in under a week. We managed to pick ourselves up slightly, but I we struggled to stop using. I finally got clean, and got a divorce. I moved back home, and my son was diagnosed with Autism. I was working three jobs, and taking classes. Eventually I started using again to be able to keep up with everything.
Long story short: I'm sober and my son is in college. I'm very thankful for my mother and family for helping me out, and providing a safe environment for my son to succeed.
I don't have a very close relationship with my family or my son (their choice). I don't think I ever will. I was there during very important times in my son's development, and I tried as best as I could, but it always seemed like everytime things picked up, it always came crashing down. I never wanted to have children of my own, and don't consider myself a parent even though others tell me I am. It's a difficult thing to reconcile, and i struggle with it often.
Down the Drain
I'm an OB nurse. See it a lot. Also have a few coworkers in this situation. It's definitely hard being a spectator. One of my coworkers has a granddaughter no one wants and is two years old with ptsd due to her crappy living situation. When her 13 year old son got his girlfriend pregnant and my coworker started talking about it I naively asked/recommended abortion and now she doesn't talk to me unless I'm the only one around she can vent to. I just don't get it. This kids life is down the crapper already and she's two.
Chronic Issues...
I am an unwanted child. My parents had addiction problems to both drugs and alcohol. My mother abandoned me and my dad when I was two years old to be with her new lover. My father was in the midst of a crippling pain killer addiction. My grandparents ended up raising me and they did their absolute best, but all of their love was never able to fix the deep seated abandonment issues I was left with.
Now I am 26, married and have two children. I never wanted to have children but because of my past and wanting love more than anything, I let my now husband get me pregnant at 19 with our first, and then our son was a surprise 4 years later. I struggle with motherhood in ways that I can not articulate, but even so, I love my kids dearly.
Sometimes though, I find myself wishing they would grow up and get out. I struggle with chronic mental and physical health issues I am just now starting to get treatment for, so those things don't help. I tolerate motherhood a lot of the time, and I feel insanely guilty for never really loving actually being a mother. It is okay though, only sometimes I actually show my discontent with motherhood, so I am getting better.
Wrong
I love my son more than anything else in the world.
But he wasn't my idea.
My (now ex-) wife was dealing with mental health issues I still don't understand. It was one of the causes of intense stress in our relationship. Eventually she "decided" the "solution" was to have a child right away.
I told her we weren't ready, emotionally or financially, but I loved her so much (and still do) that I gave in. After all, I did want to be a father someday, so if starting a little too early could help bring us closer together, it would be worth it, right?
Wrong.
Now we have split custody, I'm at the lowest point in my life so far, our toddler son is struggling with the new reality of his broken family, and she's "doing great." At least that's what she says when she says anything to me at all.
I love him so much, he's the best kid in the whole world. He's the only good thing in my life. But I wonder every single day what life would be like if we had never had him.
And if I had never met her.
Whoever said "'Tis better to have loved and lost..." never met my lovely wife.
Survivor
destinys child loop GIFGiphyI am that kid that wasn't wanted, I'm old now, but it really shaped some huge insecurities in me that I have tried to figure out all my life. I made it, despite being unwanted.
Choosing Differently
Man it's not like I don't want them let's get that out of the way. Would I have chose a different woman to have children with? Yes. She has a genetic thing that means she will have disabled girls no matter what and it's a 50/50 whether a boy will be disabled. We didn't know it was her until after our 2nd child. So it goes disabled boy, disabled girl then a regular normal boy. She booted me to the curb about 2 yrs ago and I had custody of the kids within 3 months. I've had 0 help from her or any of my family or hers.
She is off on meth having a blast of a life while I spend every moment changing diapers on an 8 yr old and a 5 yr old, going to therapies and just doing what I thought any dad would do in my situation. I have moments that i hate my life yeah but those pass and then the smiles my littles give me fix it all, sorry I know it doesn't fit your question exactly but I wanted to give a happier response than some on here have.
"ya know... if I miscarried I'd probably feel relieved"
When my daughter was a year and a half old I unexpectedly got pregnant a second time (it was unexpected because I have pretty substantial infertility issues). I was not ready. I was exhausted as hell from my daughter being a typical toddler and a dog we rescued that needed constant emotional coddling. And hindsight makes it easier to see my depression was wildly out of control but I didn't realize it because my panic attacks were not. I would lay awake at night, in pain, wanting to vomit from heartburn, exhausted because my daughter decided sleeping through the night was no longer a thing and would think "ya know... if I miscarried I'd probably feel relieved" and other things along those lines.
And this went on for the whole pregnancy... right up until 32 weeks when I went into labor... and my son was dead. Gone for at least three days before I went into labor. Despite all the expected mental anguish and trauma, for just one single moment when we were driving home with empty arms and an empty car seat, I felt relieved. I have yet to forgive myself for that.
My Girl
My ex heard I was thinking of breaking up with her. 21 year old me was too stupid to realize that the condoms didn't just vanish all on their own and that the "it's totally fine bc I'm on birth control" story was a lie. She wasn't on birth control and had been telling people that she was gonna keep me no matter what she had to do.
Well, it worked for a while. I wasn't ready to have kids but I did want them eventually. I tried to do the right thing and married her and made it work for four years. Eventually the crazy witch decided that meth and lunacy was more important than her family so long story short, since my daughter was four it has just been the two of us.
I wish I could have avoided all the drama and pain that woman caused but to be 100% honest it's kinda worth it bc being a dad is the best. My daughter is 12 now and going into the teen years as a single dad is terrifying but i think it's gonna be alright. I'm glad I have her in my life even if I wasn't ready and had to deal with an abusive psycho to get her.
Know Your Limits
I'm not seeing a lot of first hand responses, so I'll jump on the grenade.
I have two sons who (despite loving them very much and wanting the best for them) my life would be much better if I hadn't had them. My whole life growing up I expressed doubts that I wanted kids, because kids freak me out. Everyone always said that it would be different when it's your own kids.
I'm sure for some people it is, but for me it's not.
I think I have some kind of phobia of kids. I'm on the autism spectrum (as is my oldest son), and I hate that I helped bring two people into this world that I can't be there for. I wanted to be a good father, and all things considered I'm still not terrible, but I don't enjoy time with my kids the way I should.
My wife and I separated when our boys were still young due to other issues in our relationship, she has since remarried to a great guy who is wonderful with our boys. She moved about 5 hours away but I still visit them on big holidays and their birthdays. I pay my child support without fuss. I'm happy knowing my boys are happy, but it's a weight taken off my shoulders that I'm not having to care for them, because I just can't.
If there was a moral to this story I would say that if you think you might not be able to handle kids it's perfectly okay to not have them. But make sure that's known early in the relationship. Don't expect your partner to change because they'll be expecting you to change as well, and one if not both of you will end up unhappy. The bonus moral is never trust someone who wants to use the rhythm method of birth control.
Silence the Bullies
I was made to feel that having children was my only use and that stuck with me hard. I have two kids and the last one was with my husband. He made me feel that way too and I got my tubes tied. I could scream at the freedom that my body is mine to do with as I please and everyone could go take a jump. Forget my family and that ex for gaslighting me and making me feel that because I was pregnant I had to keep them and forget me if I needed support. I used to scream and cry whenever I drove because I was stuck in a hole and no one would help me.
I overheard my mom talking to my sister through a cracked door that I was a witch because I was pregnant. I had to suffer mental abuse from parents who could hardly be brought to show their love. I talked to my husband about this a couple years later and he apologized and said he is ashamed for his part. My kids are 2 and 4 and I treat and teach them the best I can. You could say I spoil them but I call it love. I always keep in mind that I am better than my family, "shame on my parents for who I am, shame on me if I stay that way."
A quote from my corrections professor that I always remember.
Do I want kids... F**K NO but I have them and I'm going to do my best and be there for them. Forget people that bully you mentally, emotionally, and physically into doing their choices when it's your body.
Thats my burning rant about that.
Too Much Thinking
I was a planned, wanted child, and I have had a (mostly) happy life with parents who love me and who I love. But when talking about abortion with my mum, she said that if she'd known how badly I would suffer (I have fairly hefty depression), she wouldn't have had me. That was a hell of a thing to process.
The Lottery
Very few are answering the question, they are explaining what the feel like to be unloved or unwanted, some even describing what it's like if they never had kids. The question is "what's it like to have kids you don't want?"
The really grasp this concept, you need to understand it's not a sudden thing, it's a slow process; very very slow.
What you need to do, is before each Powerball drawing, go and buy a lottery ticket... then daydream about what your life would be like if you won. Every week, never be without a lottery ticket, and forever daydreaming about what you could be doing vs what you actually are doing.
It's mentally draining...
Another way to think of it is to get involved with a hobby you aren't interested in and don't want to do, but keep spending money on it and keep doing it. Then imagine what you would like to be doing instead, but keep doing the hobby you aren't interested in doing.
Born of Need
I myself don't have an experience with such things but in my country Hungary we have a "family helping program" kinda thing (if there are any Hungarians here could you please find a reasonable translation for "családi pótlék"?) which means that if you have 3 kids you get 10 million forints (roughly $30.000) which leads to a lot of children being born out of need instead of love which is a big problem considering the financial status of over 2/3 of the country.
The Other Life
I accidentally got pregnant when I was 24 because I didn't take my birth control correctly. (I gave her to a loving couple, and last I knew she was doing great) That pregnancy was honestly one of the worst things I've put myself through, and every now and then I wonder what things would be like if I had either not gotten pregnant, or had an abortion.
Use Control
think winnie the pooh GIFGiphyBeing an unloved child is the greatest pain and destructive force a human being can endure. If you don't want a child use birth control. If you get pregnant anyway give the child up to an adoptive parent who wants a child to love.
There is no shame in not wanting to be a parent. There are other important things to be in life. I've seen the damage firsthand in my family. When a person is unwanted they know it. They just don't understand why, and that kind of internalized pain, can ruin lives.
Want to "know" more? Never miss another big, odd, funny, or heartbreaking moment again. Sign up for the Knowable newsletter here.
- People Adopted Later In Life Share How Long It Took To Feel Like Family - George Takei ›
- People Who Do Not Want Children Share Their Reasoning - George Takei ›
- People Explain What They Truly Need That They Don't Yet Have - George Takei ›
- People Divulge The One Thing They Had As A Child They Wish They Had Today - George Takei ›
- People Confess The Biggest Reasons They Don't Want To Have Kids - George Takei ›
- People Share Their Views On Having Children - George Takei ›
- People Share Their Views On Having Children - George Takei ›
Secrets About The Food Industry They Don't Want You To Know
Reddit user Lilyxrx asked: 'What’s a secret the food industry don’t want you to know?'
Whenever we go out to eat, be it at a fine dining establishment or a quick service window, some of us tend to wonder what the journey was for the food that we are looking at on our plates or in our take-out bags.
Many have similar thoughts when buying frozen or pre-packaged dinners at supermarkets.
The answers aren't always readily available, often because the food service industry will go to great lengths to keep them under lock and key. Well aware, most of the time, that current or former employees will spill the beans at one point or another.
Redditor Lilyxrx was curious to hear some of the most well guarded secrets of the food industry, leading them to ask:
"What’s a secret the food industry don’t want you to know?"
Next Time Your Craving Bananas Foster...
"The 'natural flavors' are just big jugs of glycerin with hyper concentrated flavoring in it."
"Banana flavoring is fairly flammable."
"Source: Worked in food manufacturing."- irony_in_the_UK·
Cholesterol Be Darned!
"Chef here."
"It’s salt and fat."
"If you have a question about anything it’s salt and fat."- LongRest
For Efficiency's Sake...
"Olive Garden makes all their necessary pastas for the whole day from 8-10am every morning."
"Partially cooked."
"So when an order comes through, they grab a serving of the needed pasta style and flash cook them in hot water."
"Also, it’s just the brand, Barilla."- Deerhunter86
Justin Bieber Food GIFGiphyBefore You Pay The Extra Money...
"Beekeeper checking in."
"There is no such thing as organic honey."
"I do not treat my bees with chemicals, but I have no idea where they get their nectar."
"A bee can fly up to three miles from a hive to get nectar."
"It is virtually impossible to guarantee they have not gotten nectar from a chemically treated source."- toad__warrior·
If You Ever Wonder What Makes It Taste So Good...
"Unless it’s a health conscious food joint you’re eating at, the food we serve is designed for maximum taste."
"It’s either dense with fat and sugar, or fat and salt "
"E.G. Those mashed potatoes you like?"
"Made with cream, butter, and salt."
"The quiche?"
"Made on cream, not milk."
"Etc, etc."- petuniasweetpea
Before You Start Bragging...
"Dragon fruit isn’t an exotic Asian fruit."
"It’s a cactus fruit, and as such are native to the Americas and can even be grown in the US."- ferretmonkey
dragon fruit GIF by Feliks Tomasz KonczakowskiGiphyIn Case You're Wondering why That Taste Is So Familiar...
"A lot of the processed cheese and cream cheese is all the same recipe we just switch the labels and packaging for the different brands we run."
"Source: I work in a cheese factory in a company that services 75% of America's domestic market."- anon5678903276
Another Reason To Have No Guilt Over Take Out...
"Well."
"I work at Dominos, and we are kept afloat by the people who don't coupon and pay full menu price."
"You people are the unsung heroes of labor."- LoweeLL
Unlike Any Chocolate...
"When I worked at a mass production bakery the chocolate for the chocolate covered doughnuts came in giant frozen blocks of 4x4 pieces and contained no actual chocolate what so over."
"When unfrozen it was like some sort of nasty smelling paraffin wax that I would break up with a hammer and place into a melter that would then pour over the doughnuts."- gil_beard
Chocolate Dessert GIF by HuffPostGiphyWhat Do Orange Juice And Whiskey Have In Common?
"The reason orange juice tastes consistently the same year round, even though it's a crop harvested once a year, is because citrus oils and citrus flavor are added back to different batches and blended all together."
"Similar to how whiskey is blended from multiple barrels to make it consistent."
"The difference is that even though extra stuff is added back into the OJ, it doesn't need to be labeled because the flavors contain all ingredients from oranges (FTNF-from the named fruit) so the FDA doesn't mandate labeling additional ingredients."- PensiveDoughnut
Does That Explain Their Shape?
"Pringles (and baked Lays/similar) are made of rehydrated and compressed rejected/excess parts of potatoes that go into regular chips."
"I learned that from my dietician at work and thought that was odd."
"I still like them over regular chips."- bluesasaurusrex
A Secret Better Not Known...
"The 11 herbs and spices secret recipe."- NemoTheOneTrueGod
Food Pouring GIF by Great Big StoryGiphyJust Pop It In The Fryer...
"I was a young lad working at Church's Fried Chicken during the summer, many years ago."
"The owner refused to throw out chicken that had already gone bad; to the point where you'd gag if you smell them."
"Apparently if you batter them bad boys up and deep fry them, the rancid smell goes away."
"His customers never knew they were eating spoiled chicken."- Dirt_E_Harry·
Sweet... But Safe!
"The amount of sugar that goes into Costco bakery products is absurd, especially the apple pie."
"That being said; Costco does not f*ck around when it comes to food safety."
"Every area that is responsible for producing food is most likely cleaner than a white room for producing computer parts."
"There are virtually zero roaches, we found one in the bakery once and shut it down until the exterminator did his thing that very night."
"Someone returned a package of dinner rolls because their child had bit into one and a sharp piece of metal was in it, within less than 2 minutes every manager in the building was doing an investigation that led all the way up to the regional manager and his boss for several hours and determined that it had come off of a piece of machinery before it reached our location."
"We throw away rotisserie chickens if they have left (even for a few minutes) the shelf and someone tries to put it back."- Deathnachos
Costco GIF by hero0fwarGiphyWe'd like to think that everyone who works in the food industry shares the same high standards.
But, as in any industry, there are those out there who will cut corners for speedier results.
On the bright side, it does save you the trouble when deciding what cream cheese to buy...
Loopholes are everywhere.
But finding them can be time-consuming.
Or they can be a straight-up accident.
Sometimes corporations don't even realize the ways they've given out great deals.
In the early days of the internet, scheming for loopholes was a favorite pastime, but companies caught on.
They're still out there though, just waiting to be discovered.
Redditor Aarunascut wanted to discuss the best "deals" they've stumbled upon and utilized, so they asked:
"What was a loophole that you found and exploited the hell out of?"
I love a good loophole.
I would always use the free gym trial memberships.
They've caught on now by using better tracking.
Alas...
Rinse & Repeat
coins GIFGiphy"You used to be able to order dollar coins from the mint."
"Pay for it on your credit card, free delivery."
"Get sky miles."
"Take dollar coins to the bank, deposit, and pay off bills."
"Repeat."
AMLT1983
I Love Pizza
"I run a recycling center and when Mountain Dew did the win an Xbox One with codes under the soda bottle caps we got a total of 20 Xbox ones. Every worker got one that year. Also, Casey’s Pizza had a thing going that you collected 10 tabs off the large pizza box you’d get a free pizza. We had free pizzas weekly for years till they stopped doing it."
Otis_Firefly
Her Code
"During my first year teaching, teachers were each allowed 1500 photocopies a month. I had 150 students. That wasn't enough. One day, a coworker announced that she was leaving for a different opportunity. I asked her for her copier code. They never deleted her code, so I had 3000 copies per month for the last 5 months of the school year."
driveonacid
Sacagawea
"Older vending machines like the ones in my high school and car wash used to take golden dollars (yes, the Sacagawea coin), count them as a dollar and then spit them back out. You could buy the whole machine with one golden dollar. My friends and I exploited this for 7 months senior year until they swapped all of the machines out."
MapUnitKey
"Interestingly almost all of the US dollar coins ended up in Ecuador as they also use the US dollar. It was super weird but convenient as an American going there and I guess it really messed up their economy. I had always wondered where they disappeared to though. Major issues with counterfitting them too, any shiny one was basically useless even if it was real."
ember3pines
Coded
Girl Cheese GIF by Pizza HutGiphy"When Pizza Hut first started online ordering they gave me a code for a free pizza for ordering online for the first time. Turns out the code also worked if you just ordered as a guest and kept working."
Stone_Reign
I miss the Pizza Hut deal days.
Online coupons used to give away the whole company.
$1.50
Make It Rain Loop GIF by Chris TimmonsGiphy"My bank thinks the vending machine at work is an ATM and refunds my 'atm fee' automatically... Chase bank if anyone wondered. I noticed I was always getting like $1.50 returned to my account here and there and then I realized what it was."
homerinthebushes
Past Services
"Back in the 80s, we found vending machines that were not regularly serviced that would overflow the coin box and spill quarters on the floor. We used to scrape them out from under the machine with a stick. Was a good time to be a latchkey unattended minor."
weakplay
"Vending machines in college (Ireland early 2000s) had a flap at the bottom that was supposed to stop you reaching your arm up to steal. But it also had a sensor used to determine if had something been dispensed. So if you held it shut, the machine would think nothing had dropped and you could order as many things as you wanted, then refund your coins and release the flap."
BrianHenryIE
Senior Year
"My senior year of high school a Chick-fil-A opened in our town and to advertise the grand opening they put a free chicken sandwich coupon in the yellow pages of the phone book. No purchase, no stipulations. For whatever reason there were like 1,000 phone books stored in a storeroom off the gym. Me and my buddies ate a chicken sandwich damn near every single day of senior year."
Panther90
Switched with Michelle
"At a former job management rearranged the schedules to expand our call center hours from 7 am to 9 pm. It was still an 8-hour day, you just started later. We had a meeting to discuss if we could pick our own hours so employees didn’t run the risk of working until 9 pm then having to be back the next day at 7 am. Management gave us a hard no-on that. But we were allowed to swap with a co-worker."
"A few of us got together to review the monthly schedule and noticed that 5 people were in the rotation who hadn’t worked there for years. (Seriously!). So, whenever we had to work a late schedule that we didn’t want we 'switched with Michelle.' This went on for almost 2 years before management scrapped the whole idea."
Crazy_from_the_heat
The King
burger king GIFGiphy"Burger King used to have an app where you’d shake your phone and it would sometimes display a free item. A guy at work wrote his own app that looked identical to Burger King, but would only ever show a Whopper Meal. Every lunchtime he’d go to Burger King and get a free meal."
RedLeader7
I love a free meal.
Especially a free meal at any "cost!" LOL.
Partner Pet Peeves: What Drives People Crazy in Relationships
A pet peeve is defined as something a person finds especially annoying.
These tend to vary from person to person which makes them a frequent issue in relationships. From small habits to major personality traits, it's hard to know what will set someone else off.
A partner's interesting quirks or routine habits might inadvertently get on their significant others last nerve.
Reddit user ExistingAI4149 asked:
"What are some pet peeves you've experienced with a partner?"
Sleep Deprived
"Had an ex that always woke me up to cuddle/kiss before he left for the day even after I had asked him a couple times to please let me sleep."
"Maybe that sounds cold, but If I'm deeply asleep and you wake up for work hours before I have to, you should let me sleep."
"A quick kiss would be one thing but he would legit start spooning me and stroking my hair, rubbing my back etc... which always woke me up and I wanted to sleep, not have a full cuddle sesh."
~ nancycat92
Too Tired To Bend Over?
"When he takes a shower before going to bed, he leaves his clothes on the bathroom floor, even if the laundy basket is right there."
"Instead he puts them in the basket the next morning."
"I cannot for the life of me understand this, but whatever."
~ 029384756
Waste Not, Want Not
"I hate unnecessary waste."
"My partner has a habit of doing things like...leaving bread and chip bags open so they get stale."
"Opening a can of seltzer and taking one sip and then I find it the next day still mostly full and flat."
"Leaving the cap off the toothpaste so it gets dry."
"Throwing things away before I've used the last bit."
"Drives me nuts."
~ autumn_bonfire
Social Media
"Having to sit next to them in the evening while they watch TikTok for hours instead of spending time together or paying attention to a movie or show."
~ waffler71
Say What You Want
"Lack of communication."
"Literally everyone says they value communication but I've only had a few partners who actually did so. Most people say they do, but the extent that they actually value good communication is mundane stuff like discussing where to get dinner."
"When deeper emotions and/or conflicts need to be discussed, most people go tell everybody else besides their partner and that doesn't sit well with me."
~ Secret-Ad3715
TP Turmoil
"She used a lot of toilet paper, and when we started to run low, she wouldn't buy more. She'd wait until we were out, and then she'd flip out and throw a tantrum when she went to the bathroom and we were out."
"So I started keeping a reserve supply so that the next time this happened I wouldn't need to yet again rush to the store to save the situation."
"When it inevitably happened and I proudly presented a fresh roll she flipped out at me for keeping my reserve stash a secret."
~ Stargazer5781
Ssssshhhh! 🤫🤐
"When we're watching something she is interested in, the phone will be down, and there will be silence with the exception of the occasional comment or question about what we are watching."
"If it's something only I am interested in then it's time to talk about her day, or something she saw on the look of faces, to the point where I'll pause what we're watching so I can concentrate on her at which point I'll get, 'Do you want me to stop talking?'."
"Well, yes, but I'm not about to tell her that..."
~ Zombie_Jesus_83
Bright Idea
"Can you please turn a light switch back off once in awhile?"
~ ExerciseAshamed208
Not The Word You're Looking For
"She will say 'kick your a**hole' instead of 'kick your a**' when trying to threaten someone."
~ Craigothy-YeOldeLord
Brown Sugar
"Using the same teaspoon when making a cup of coffee, then putting the instant coffee granules covered spoon in the sugar jar."
~ Ok_Astronaut7075
Attention Span
"She wants to watch a show or movie and gets up every 3 f*cking minutes and leaves the room."
"Trying to show her something and say 'WATCH THIS' and she gets distracted within like 10 seconds."
~ PlainOGolfer
Eternal Critic
"Sh*tting on music or TV that I like."
"YOU don’t have to like it, but it’s really a bummer when I’m trying to enjoy something and you just won’t stop talking about how stupid you think it is."
~ Any-Angle-8479
Waiting
"Giving a fair warning what time we need to leave, and not being ready by the time I’m standing at the door."
~ Von_Blazen
Speak Up
"Being silent when we need to talk through an issue."
~ Real_Willingness1004
Another Perspective
"When my late wife started getting sick and had to stop working she was home all day so she would text me all day."
"When I'd get home she'd be working on dinner and the second I put my keys down she'd say something like 'oh can you run to the store? I need an onion' or some other thing that was needed for what she was making.
"It used to irritate the sh*t out of me that she would text me all day and not one text was'can you stop at the store on the way home'. She saved that for the second I walked in the door."
"She died in 2013."
"I'd give almost anything to get home from a long day at work now and have her need me to go to the store."
"It's funny the little irritations become the things you miss the most."
~ HumpieDouglas
Pet peeves can sometimes evolve into endearing quirks.
And other times they never stop driving you crazy or even end the relationship.
What pet peeves have you had about a partner?
People Over 50 Explain How Working Has Changed Since They Were Young
It feels like the workplace is constantly changing, especially since the pandemic, with more people working from home, more systems being automated, and more social pressure for workplaces to evolve.
But it's even more jarring to think of how much the workplace has changed for those who have been in the workforce for many decades and how seemingly every aspect of their work has changed... at least once.
Redditor LightningStrikes818 asked:
"Redditors who are 50 years old or older, what has changed the most about working when you started working vs. working nowadays?"
Dress Codes
"Skirts/dresses and pantyhose required of women in many offices through the 1990s."
- hhhmmm0
"Flipside: suits and ties, buttoned-up shirts. Brutal in summer."
- ridleyfiredome
"Pantyhose were high maintenance. I had to have an extra pair in my desk drawer in case of a major run. I had clear nail polish at home and work to stop any runs above the hemline."
"Pantyhose were expensive, I had nice department store hose for special occasions, and bulk mail order hose for daily wear. They had to be washed in mesh bags and hung to dry."
"In the summer I’d get swamp crotch when it was hot and humid, and heat rash on my thighs where they rubbed."
"Heels had to be polished and the heel tips replaced at the shoe shop. Most office clothes were dry clean only, and it was expensive, and yet another errand. Office clothes were expensive, I didn’t have many clothes, I had to plan what to wear and time the dry cleaning."
"I don’t miss the nightmare of heels and hose from the 80’s."
- phineasminius
Electrical Transfer, Who?
"Having to go to the bank to cash my paycheck."
- Cndngirl
"Oh my god, yes, and we needed to wait until after 3:00 PM to cash it."
- Big-Reflection-104
Work and... Strip Clubs?
"We took a company van with a logo on it to take out-of-town guests to a strip club. I don’t even think I can say that out loud at work today."
- scruffles360
"Strip clubs were standard practice. Especially in sales. Many deals closed in those places over my career."
- YOU_WONT_LIKE_IT
Smoking Spaces
"People smoking indoors. Clouds of smoke everywhere in the office and no way for a nonsmoker to avoid it. That was the norm so you just had to suck it up."
- andBobsyourcat
"Yes, at one stage I had the misfortune of sitting next to someone who used to smoke a pipe. I could barely see my computer screen at times for the clouds of smoke."
"Also, the IT support guy would come over to do something and he always had a cigarette dangling from his lips, dropping ash into my keyboard. Urgh! Different times!"
- MickSturbs
Office Parties of Old
"Man, in state government, all the older employees have similar stories of work parties in the 90s. Booze everywhere, smoking, people dancing, and having fun. Everyone brought their spouses, etc."
"Now you're lucky if you see a Christmas cake. People wonder why everything feels like it's coming apart at the seams and people are so unhappy. That aspect of being a human being fun, even at work is gone."
- t00sl0w
"I'm a millennial in industrial equipment sales, and it genuinely feels like you showed up to a party about an hour after everyone was gone."
"Nowadays, I can't even have a beer with dinner and expect to expense it."
- titsmuhgeeee
"Oh man, the office Christmas parties then, versus now?? Forget about it. Like comparing a wedding to a funeral."
- Schyznik
Safety Precautions
"I'm 42 but feel like I want to chime in."
"Health and safety has changed loads. You wouldn't get away with half the sh*t we did when I was 17."
- section4
Constantly, Always Sitting
"I watched office work go from sedentary to virtually immobile. We used to retrieve paper files, pass memos around, and consult with coworkers in other sections and floors."
"Now everything is available on the screen in front of us, everything can be shared with a few clicks. It’s convenient, but so unhealthy."
- MathematicianWitty23
What's a Pension Again?
"Hardly anybody has a pension anymore."
- whitewolfdogwalker
"That's where I feel really lucky to be in Australia, we have mandatory superannuation (a percentage of your pay plus employer contribution goes into a fund for your retirement) and most people will also qualify for an age care pension in addition to their super."
"The pension isn't really enough for our current seniors who don't have much super (due to the timeline of when it was introduced) but generations after that should be relatively well set up for retirement."
- TheGardenNymph
Work Availability in General
"I'm in the UK."
"It was a great deal easier to find work. You'd get vacancies posted in various places and could go down to the Job Centre, browse vacancies posted on postcards on boards, pick out the jobs you were interested in, and get a member of staff to arrange an interview for you. Just like that."
"Dress codes were more formal and you actually had to go to work. If you worked in an office for the right company work finished Friday lunchtime when you'd go with your colleagues to the pub. You'd go back after the 'liquid' lunch hour and work Friday afternoon, but no sh*t got done and work piled up for Monday."
"You got paid either direct debit, cash or if you were unlucky by cheque. You had to deposit your cheque in the bank or building society and wait for the cheque to clear, usually four days, but sometimes 10 days. If you got paid cash you'd get it in a small brown envelope known as a wage packet which listed all deductions on the outside. It still felt good to tear open the wage packet and take out the cash."
- ElvishMystical
The Value of Employees
"That you chose a career, and you worked for an employee, and they valued your experience. You rose in the ranks of your profession, you became a valued team member, and you stayed until you retired."
"Changing jobs often is frowned on; if you make a job commitment, you follow through on it. People get bothered and quit/move/change really quickly now. That's not necessarily bad, but it has created a gap in expertise; everyone is new all the time, and there isn't any value in having experience."
"If you happen to be an elder in your field with some level of legacy knowledge; it doesn't seem to matter because your boss is likely younger than you and less experienced."
"There used to be jobs what you did to get paid and live, and careers, what you did because you wanted to invest time into being good at something, AND that was how you made a living."
"Moreover, you went to school to be in a career. So you put time and energy into attaining your job, therefore you'd want to stay in it and grow. In theory."
"I'm not sure anyone cares about being in a career anymore. Because we all feel so betrayed by the system; wages not keeping up with COL, inflation, (and inflation subsiding and prices staying high because it's what the market will bear), and when everyone is replaceable, then no one is an expert."
"I'm GenX. I work in healthcare. I work in a broken system that no one actually wants to fix. Those of us working in this system are now just grist for the mill. It's too bad because we spent a lot of time and money going to school to be able to work in our chosen field."
"In contrast, my mom was also a nurse. She had a career. She worked in it until she was 70 and retired. She worked with a team that mostly stayed the same, over decades. I don't work with anyone I started with at my job six years ago."
- bunnehfeet
Business Phones
"People used to answer their business phones."
- BornFree2018
"Oh my god, work landline numbers. I never see those anymore. I don’t even have a phone number in my email signature at work anymore."
"And business cards used to be such a big deal. I used to get really excited to see my name and title in print. I would always send my parents one when I got a new job. What a dork!"
- ptpoa120000
What Work-Life Balance?
"There was a lot more understanding back in the 80's and 90's that each employee had a life outside of work, and work would end at 5:00 PM. You could leave work and go do something that you liked, maybe a martial arts class or some learning workshop somewhere."
"There were no phone calls. Text messages and email hadn't happened yet. Pagers were rare. People were in better shape. They had time to workout and were encouraged by their bosses to go do something to keep in shape."
"These days, it's the opposite. There's no encouragement from your boss or your coworkers other than to just work around the clock. You're never 'off.' Emails, text messages, Slack messages, video calls, and 'tickets' from your company's internal issue tracking system come in at all hours of the day."
"You're tracked in every way possible these days. You're given impossible deadlines. It now takes incredible willpower to break free and 'sneak' away to go workout. You're exhausted all the time, so you lose the desire to workout. You just want sleep."
"Instead of meeting up with friends somewhere for dinner, you are happy to just get home, get something hot to eat from your microwave, and numb yourself by watching YouTube and Reddit."
"What you do now during your downtime is very low quality and is just done to unwind from the stress that follows you no matter where you are. They call this Flex Time, and its purpose is ostensibly to give you the ability to walk away from your work and go enjoy life. Funny."
- mhv64sj
New Measures of Success
"Working for a company for many years was seen as honorable and a sign you were a good worker."
"Now it’s viewed as someone complacent, scared of change, and stupid for not salary hopping."
"I don’t disagree, though; I’ve been at my company for a long time and it’s anything but complacent and always changing."
- MysteryMeat11
"This is why we in-betweeners especially (between gen-x and millennial) have been conflicted and confused about it all. We were raised by older boomers and heard it's best to stay with companies because it looks bad on resumes to not and can even affect your buying things like houses and cars."
"But then when we did, we were let go during times like the recession and cutbacks having to start all over again, on top of not getting raises like the new hires and then confused because we were told staying and being loyal looked good and led to success."
- fidgetypenguin123
A Literal Paper Trail
"Paper. Lots of paper."
"Before email, there were people (secretaries or admins) who would take a memo someone printed out on their computer, make physical copies, and either walk around to every executive’s desk, or put into inter-office mail. This memo could be to a few people, one person, or for a general announcement needed to go to everyone."
"For expediency, these memos would also be posted in public areas (lunchroom, messaging board) if it was a general notice. These memos were often routed from the head manager throughout the department if it was more for general information."
"We once had a wave of new hires (about 20 people in our company of 400) and each got their own announcement. So, 20 people and 50 copies was two reams of paper. Copied. Hand carried or inter-department mailed. For one set of announcements."
"Oh, and each department admin had their own routing slip (small piece of paper with each person in the department’s name) that was stapled to the announcement. When you got the memo, you read it, crossed your name off, and gave it to the next person on the list."
"That’s where 'they must not have gotten the memo' comes from."
- UncleGizmo
It's interesting to look back on how things have changed. While some things have definitely improved, like improved safety precautions and more relaxed attire, other things like a sense of work-life balance have certainly declined.
If people were able to choose their working conditions, it'd be interesting to see if they'd choose today's working conditions or a different work-life balance...