When your time is up, your time is up. And when we march off into the afterlife it feels like everyone wants one of two or two things. People want to go out in a blaze of glory and/or in peace and without pain. I don't know if both is possible but I'll choose option two please. What I know for sure is I definitely don't want to be smoted by a stupid death. Like, Lord, please don't let me die choking on fried chicken and an XL frozen Appletini at the Dallas BBQ because I was laughing to hard at my own jokes. Please.

Redditor u/BlueD_ wanted everyone to fess up about the times they almost met their maker in a less than dignified manner by asking... What's the dumbest way you almost died?

We have to admit: there are times when we're watching the news, or we get an unfortunate phone call and a death is announced, and at first it's a somber feeling but then we learn the story about said person'e demise and... you can't help but stifle a chuckle. It happens. You just hope you're never the punchline. Case in point, imagine if...


Hooked shirt on roller coaster flying by while I was operating it.

Shirt tore but it threw me a meter onto track just behind it. I crawled off in time before it came back around.


The Lump

Born with a lump in my throat that was blocking my airway. It was so bad that I was turning purple from air loss by 3 months old, but the doctors kept telling my mom they couldn't find anything wrong. Finally was rushed to children's hospital where they did emergency laser surgery to remove the lump. Almost died to complete incompetence, thankfully the people at children's were much more capable.


So Wrong...

I was playing at some church camp as a teenager. They had us running around in the dark.

Well, they had a guy wire from a telephone pole in basically the middle of the forest and I ran into it at neck height.

You know in cartoons when someone runs into something and their feet fly up even with their body and they fall down? I'm pretty sure that happened to me.

I had a very nasty cut that was pretty deep on my throat and I'm pretty sure if it was just a bit deeper I would have got the important arteries lol

I could be wrong though.


See now sometimes this is why death is the thing of nightmares. More often than not its not about death itself; its about the journey on the way out. Life is already stressful enough, always looking both ways, and not stepping on cracks. How can I be alert for literally anything and everything all at once?

the baby....

I was born super premature and would apparently never stop crying and every doctor was just like "she's a baby, she's crying just because" until my parents took me to the children's hospital and then a doctor was like "yeah, she's dying. Surgery now." I was born with a double hernia.


Just Walk

Almost fell to my death from the second floor of an abandoned theater because I was running down a flight of stairs that are just cut off midway. Someone with the fastest reflex skills just grabbed me by my shirt and pulled my backwards.

Don't run in abandoned buildings.


Evil Mango

When I was 19, I ate a mango and it was a large piece and it got stuck in my throat. I started to choke. I found it hard to breathe and couldn't talk. My brother did the heimlich manuever on me and the mango came out. I laughed about it a minute later because imagine "defeated by mango" written as your reason for death.


When I was three, I nearly choked to death on a piece of pineapple. I was throwing chunks into the air and catching them with my mouth like a seagull. Can you imagine that obituary? No one would've imagined me in advanced classes years later. I feel others here can relate.

The Day is Out

Using a pickaxe while tired. Was using the flat end to break up dirt. It got stuck. I yanked it, causing my feet to slip on the dirt while I basically pulled myself straight down on the spike end. My arms shot out and I landed in a push up position with the tip less than an inch from my chest.

I called it a day after that.


Do Vodka

I was very sad and drank lots and lots of rum. I woke up covered in vomit all over my bed, I had probably vomited multiple times in my sleep. I was alone.

I could have choked on my spew and died.

I avoid rum now.



I felt incredible pain in my abdomen and laid in bed a week hoping it would go away. By the time I asked to go to the hospital I was in Sepsis. I was out of my head in pain, couldn't eat, high fever, etc.

Apparently I had a bout with diverticulitis. I had no idea what that was. Mine perforated and my white blood cell count was insane. The perforation was pouring toxins into my body cavity. They didn't do surgery, they only ran a tube down in my back to drain the 'death sludge' from my body. My kidneys and my bladder were trying to shut down. I'll never forget that pain for as long as I live.

I was on mega antibiotics and it saved my life. Even after leaving the hospital I was on antibiotics for another 2 weeks. Had this happened to me several years ago they would have had me in surgery and I would have had some of my colon removed and I would have had a colostomy bag. :-(

But, these days they hit you with tons of antibiotics and they've been having success.

I learned to never lay in bed for a week with pain like that. Never again.


In the Shallow...

Lady Gaga Oscars GIF by Sky Giphy

Played in the shallow waters of a lake before knowing how to swim, father told me not to go further in and being the stupid rebellious child i was i immediately went in further and sank just as quick. luckily my father was watching and a former lifeguard, so he jumped in in full clothing and pulled me out.

the next day my parents bought me floaties.


Of course the best deaths are tv deaths. Some can be viewed as absurdist comedy but then fiction is often based on some reality. Do yourselves a favor and watch "Chuckles Bites the Dust" from The Mary Tyler Moore Show. We've all been Mary at a funeral. Just pray you never become a Chuckles. And for extra credit watch Hilary's fiancée Trevor die on The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Ouch.


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