When your time is up, your time is up.
It feels like everyone wants one of two things.
People want to go out in a blaze of glory and/or in peace and without pain.
What I know for sure is I definitely don't want to be smoted by a stupid death.
Like, Lord, please don't let me die choking on fried chicken and an XL frozen Appletini at the Dallas BBQ because I was laughing to hard at my own jokes.
Please.
Redditor BlueD_ wanted everyone to fess up about the times they almost met their maker in a less than dignified manner by asking:
"What's the dumbest way you almost died?"
Torn...
"Hooked shirt on roller coaster flying by while I was operating it. Shirt tore but it threw me a meter onto track just behind it. I crawled off in time before it came back around."
GottaGoSmash
The Lump
"Born with a lump in my throat that was blocking my airway. It was so bad that I was turning purple from air loss by 3 months old, but the doctors kept telling my mom they couldn't find anything wrong. Finally was rushed to children's hospital where they did emergency laser surgery to remove the lump. Almost died to complete incompetence, thankfully the people at children's were much more capable."
Leroy_Spankinz
So Wrong...
"I was playing at some church camp as a teenager. They had us running around in the dark. Well, they had a guy wire from a telephone pole in basically the middle of the forest and I ran into it at neck height."
"You know in cartoons when someone runs into something and their feet fly up even with their body and they fall down? I'm pretty sure that happened to me."
"I had a very nasty cut that was pretty deep on my throat and I'm pretty sure if it was just a bit deeper I would have got the important arteries lol. I could be wrong though."
Nimbleturtles
See now sometimes this is why death is the thing of nightmares.More often than not its not about death itself; it's about the journey on the way out.
Life is already stressful enough, always looking both ways, and not stepping on cracks. How can I be alert for literally anything and everything all at once?
the baby....
"I was born super premature and would apparently never stop crying and every doctor was just like 'she's a baby, she's crying just because' until my parents took me to the children's hospital and then a doctor was like 'yeah, she's dying. Surgery now.' I was born with a double hernia."
Just Walk
"Almost fell to my death from the second floor of an abandoned theater because I was running down a flight of stairs that are just cut off midway. Someone with the fastest reflex skills just grabbed me by my shirt and pulled my backwards. Don't run in abandoned buildings."
coldnymph
Evil Mango
"When I was 19, I ate a mango and it was a large piece and it got stuck in my throat. I started to choke. I found it hard to breathe and couldn't talk. My brother did the heimlich manuever on me and the mango came out. I laughed about it a minute later because imagine "defeated by mango" written as your reason for death."
When I was three, I nearly choked to death on a piece of pineapple.
I was throwing chunks into the air and catching them with my mouth like a seagull.
Can you imagine that obituary?
No one would've imagined me in advanced classes years later.
I feel others here can relate.
The Day is Out
"Using a pickaxe while tired. Was using the flat end to break up dirt. It got stuck. I yanked it, causing my feet to slip on the dirt while I basically pulled myself straight down on the spike end. My arms shot out and I landed in a push up position with the tip less than an inch from my chest. I called it a day after that."
ProbablyYourButt
Do Vodka
"I was very sad and drank lots and lots of rum. I woke up covered in vomit all over my bed, I had probably vomited multiple times in my sleep. I was alone. I could have choked on my spew and died. I avoid rum now."
writingwithmovement
NEVER!
"I felt incredible pain in my abdomen and laid in bed a week hoping it would go away. By the time I asked to go to the hospital I was in Sepsis. I was out of my head in pain, couldn't eat, high fever, etc. Apparently I had a bout with diverticulitis. I had no idea what that was."
"Mine perforated and my white blood cell count was insane. The perforation was pouring toxins into my body cavity. They didn't do surgery, they only ran a tube down in my back to drain the 'death sludge' from my body. My kidneys and my bladder were trying to shut down. I'll never forget that pain for as long as I live."
"I was on mega antibiotics and it saved my life. Even after leaving the hospital I was on antibiotics for another 2 weeks. Had this happened to me several years ago they would have had me in surgery and I would have had some of my colon removed and I would have had a colostomy bag. :-( "
"But, these days they hit you with tons of antibiotics and they've been having success. I learned to never lay in bed for a week with pain like that. Never again."
moviesandcats
In the Shallow...
"Played in the shallow waters of a lake before knowing how to swim, father told me not to go further in and being the stupid rebellious child i was i immediately went in further and sank just as quick. luckily my father was watching and a former lifeguard, so he jumped in in full clothing and pulled me out. the next day my parents bought me floaties."
ArnoNyhm44
GiphyOff the Cliff
"Tried to set a tyre on fire and roll it down a cliff at a beach barbecue while drunk underage, fell on my a** and rolled off the cliff. Slowed myself down enough to prevent me getting any air and scraped myself bloody all the way down. Ripped my jeans from calf to belt and ended up really bloody but luckily only ended up freefalling 10ft and landed on a relatively flat rock which saved me. Terrified of cliffs now."
PorkSwordFight
On the Trail
"GF and I were Hiking at 6am on a mountain trail. We stopped to admire the sunrise over the mountains when things got a little intimate. A jogger runs by which spooks both of us. With my shorts around my ankles I slip and fall to the ground and come within inches of falling off of a 500+ ft drop."
collegedropout50
Above the Water
"Drunk swimming in the ocean. I was a competitive swimmer in HS, so I was pretty confident in my abilities around any body of water. My dumb a** decide one day, while drinking with friends at the beach, that 3 beers and a couple of shots in, was the perfect time to go for a swim in the ocean. Friend joined me while the rest stayed sunbathing and whatnot."
"Neither of us was thaaaat drunk, but after a few mins we were really far from shore and the current kept dragging us away from shore. Luckily the lifeguards spotted us and helped us back to the shore, because, while we weren’t drowning, we were getting really tired and further and further away. Boy did I learned the sea is to be respected at all times."
Jxnoga
So So Cold
"Hypothermia kayaking through the drains under Manchester, wearing jeans and jumper, using an inflatable kayak which burst, in November, after drinking a bottle of whisky. That's right up there near the top of the list I guess."
Bigjobs69
titanic leonardo dicaprio GIFGiphyOut Cold
"Not me, but one summer I was a counselor at a summer camp. The older campers would have to clean the canoes they used at the end of the week, and a 13-year-old boy decided in a flash that it would be funny to put the power washer in his mouth and pull the trigger. Can’t really blame him, he was just a kid. But he got knocked out cold and his mouth was f**ked up."
ProfessorBeer
Machine Works
"Was a Quality Engineer in a motor assembly plant responsible for test cell work (where engines are run for checkout). At that time, guys still wore ties. I was facing a gigantic engine with whirling pulleys in the front, just happened to look down and saw my tie moving toward being sucked into a pulley and belt and jumped back. Had I been an half second later, my head would be lying on the floor and my body would be in the process of being chopped into pieces. Be careful around moving machinery folks."
Amorougen
Lucky
"During a trip to the shotgun range, a clay pigeon fly’s low and away from the guy who is currently shooting. The range safety officer says something to him, and he turns to face him. For whatever reason his shotgun goes the other way and is now pointed at my head, with his finger on the trigger. So f**king lucky it didn’t fire."
Inevitable-Break-411
50 Years Later
"When I was a young hippie (I’m male) I was working with a large commercial drill at my job and I got my long hair wound up in it and it sucked me in until it tore a large chunk of hair out along with some scalp. Hair is still thin in that area 50 years later."
Hamfiter
Swallow
"By rolling up an entire Airhead, putting it in my mouth then promptly swallowing it and getting it lodged in my throat for too many minutes."
gatordunn
Choking Cbs GIF by HULUGiphyLOL
"I don't know if I could have died, but I was really young and an adult sat on my back. It was a lot of weight. I was blacking out if I remember, but fortunately they got off in time. When I later asked them why they did it, they just laughed and said I was being annoying back then."
succulent_gardener
Of course the best deaths are TV deaths. Some can be viewed as absurdist comedy but then fiction is often based on some reality.
Do yourselves a favor and watch "Chuckles Bites the Dust" from The Mary Tyler Moore Show.
We've all been Mary at a funeral. Just pray you never become a Chuckles.
And for extra credit watch Hilary's fiancé Trevor die on The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.
Ouch.
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There are rules in life where people are expected to just know how to operate without being told.
For instance, if someone falls down... help them.
When you like a sweater in a store... get money to buy it.
Just leaving with it won't go over well.
And there are more rules, or guidelines to adhere to...
Redditor christygl7 wanted to hear about what is expected in people's homes without words, so they asked:
"What's an unwritten rule in your household?"
If you have to pee... lift the seat cover.
The people in Port Authority always miss that one.
Routine
Cleaning Chores GIF by SpongeBob SquarePantsGiphy"Either my wife or I can do any chore when noticed. We thank each other for routine chores as we appreciate each other."
cwsjr2323
"That’s how my fiancée and I handle chores. Whoever’s around when the core needs to be done does the chore, typically. I find she does more regular cleaning of the whole apartment while I do more dishes and cooking."
radtech91
Trashed
"Replacing the trash bag IS PART OF taking out the trash."
UndiagnosedReptard
"Similar to this, in my house, the rule is if the toilet paper ended on your turn (or there’s barely enough for the next person) then it is your job to procure the next roll and put it in the bathroom. It is NOT acceptable to let it run out for the next person."
wavesnfreckles
"We have extra stored in every bathroom. I make sure of it. However, if it runs low/out on the roll, my wife will 100% of the time take the new roll and set it on top of the empty tube on the spindle, refusing to replace it. I actually called her over and shamed her into changing it in front of me the other night (not in an abusive way - we were both laughing about it)."
on_the_nightshift
Finder's Keepers
"If you find money in the laundry while you are doing the laundry, it's yours."
Rich1926
"Yep. My boyfriend learned that lesson the hard way when we first started living together. He had a bad habit of just crumpling up bills in a big wad in his pocket, usually just ones, but sometimes he accidentally leaves a twenty in there. I tipped myself the twenty. It took him a couple of days of trying to figure out where it went before I took pity on him and told him."
"He now both turns out his pockets and washes his own clothes. I still find the occasional single dollar in the dryer."
Head_Razzmatazz7174
Dropped something?
"If food is dropped on the floor it becomes the property of the dog. The dog knew this rule before we did."
Altruistic-Bit-9766
"That was one of the hardest things after our family dog died. Dropped something? Who cares! Riley will get it. But then he didn’t."
"Also, I don’t live at home anymore but coming home to him barking and crying out of excitement and greeting me always made my day and I looked forward to it every time I opened the door and could hear him wiggling in excitement on the side hahaha. It’s a little less exciting coming home now."
ohno807
Obligations...
Water Stay GIF by Kinda FunnyGiphy"If the water you take from the Brita pitcher leaves what’s left below a certain line, you are obligated to refill the pitcher on penalty of death."
halcyon3608
If you stay in my home and don't refill the Brita pitcher...
I'm setting your hair on fire at 3 AM!!!
Flushed
Go Away Pink GIF by HacklockGiphy"Check the toilet after you flush."
NANNYNEGLEY
"This. My brother-in-law never does this. It's annoying and disgusting! You don't want to clean up after yourself because you think it's gross? How do you think it makes me feel to clean up after you?"
purplestarsinthesky
WAKE UP!
"Wake someone up if their alarm goes off. It's a pretty weird one but setting up alarms is a conscious and deliberate decision for all of us and you want to wake up when it goes off, so we just help each other out."
DonMartiniMacaroni
"I'll do this a few times, but my roommate needs to learn not to hit snooze because he's taught his body that alarms don't need to be woken up to. I don't wake him up anymore. He started waking up to them."
stumblinbear
"I’ll wake them up because it annoys me when people snooze especially if I’m next to them in the bed and I don’t have to get up."
chill90ies
No Exceptions!
"Shoes off at the door. No exceptions."
Next-Dark-4975"
"Shoes-on people must not be using the same public bathrooms that I do. 100% of them have a lake of dirty urine in front of the urinal. They must also be amazing at finding two urine-free spots that are shoe-sized on the shores of said lake. It’s fine if they want to bring that into their homes. It’s not allowed in mine, though."
Bmadray
Table Manners
"No tech at the table."
"Even with a teenage daughter this has proved eerily easy; we all love food though!!"
"Also murder is out of the question, it is non-negotiable. If any of us kills another then they are outlawed in the true sense."
"Other than this, we are pretty cool."
Dante2005
Woof
Well Done Applause GIF by MOODMANGiphy"Let the dog out to go potty before you use the restroom. (Seriously, the dog is asking to go out and you think she can wait while you take a 30-minute poop first? Not cool.)"
InfiniteBackspace
Always let the dogs go first.
If you wait, you won't like the surprise they leave!
Sometimes we look at a product and think "who would buy that, and why?"
For me the "Flowbee" home haircutting tool comes to mind. If you're unfamiliar, it's a shaver you attached to your vacuum cleaner so you hair was pulled past cutting blades.
It was sold on late night infomercials in the 1990s.
Who wouldn't want to style their hair like this?
As fabulous as that looks, results did vary with most veering toward "yikes!" yet by 2000 the company reported 2 million were sold.
And *surprise* you can still buy one—for about $150.
It seems no matter how bad a product is, someone will buy it.
