We would never wish death upon our enemies. Right?
Well...let's pretend we wouldn't. And instead we would wish that they constantly stub their pinky toe as they quickly round a corner in their house, or that they can never find their keys when they're running late.
That will surely irritate them enough in payback for all the things they've done to us.
u/twitch870 asked Reddit:
Here were some of those responses.
A friend of mine bought a really simple yet devilish device. It was an annoying piezo buzzer attached to a timer that went of randomly anywhere between 30 seconds and like an hour apart. So it would beep in the managers office the manager would eventually get annoyed but have trouble tracking it down because it was so random in the time interval. He'd get up look around eventually give up and it would beep again. It was the BEST week of work ever. The crew lounge looked across the bay at the office so we all got a good laugh. Especially once the cursing started
-backspaces to fix it to write "the"
-accidentally types teh again
-gets stuck in an endless loop
We Call It...Sneezergatory
Every time they want to sneeze, they get stuck in that "limbo" mode for an extra long time where the sneeze is right there about to come out, but it won't.
Sometimes for seconds, sometimes for minutes.
Haha Wish This Didn't Happen To Me So Often
At random intervals into a nice hot shower, the water will go ice cold. Does not matter where they shower. It always happens at least once.
my apartment building was built in the 30s. this is my every shower. sometimes it goes boiling hot.
Mine goes boiling hot if the apartment above me flushes their toilet. My rental manager claims there is no way that can happen. But it only happens when they flush, so it definitely is that. And those @ssholes above me do it on purpose now. They like hearing us scream. Now I turn on the shower and wait to hear if they go into the bathroom and flush, then wait for the water to go back to normal before I'll get in.
A Prayer For Wet Socks
Such a nuisance.
Oh, how it soaks deeply!
Those dark, cold waters do travel so strongly.
I fear that once my sock has soaked so, I may nary recover.
Oh, cruel fate and my cursed holed boot, why have you betrayed this poor fool whose only crime was to walk?!
Wretched fool am I indeed to place my naive trust in earthly works of man when the Gods, so twisted in their treatment of mankind, see fit to punish us, so weak, so completely!
A puddle, cold and deep, dark and uncaring, such a vicious, wicked thing, stands silently on this cobbled road lying in wait for a moment in humanity's weakness perchance that a man such as I to step haphazardly in so that it may cling and climb through my woolen fibers and corrupt my gentle flesh!
My gentle being cries out in shock and terror, and my body, on its own volition, recoils as the icy embrace of this cursed infliction does travel so deftly from my sorry, sodden foot up my leg through channels unknown and takes firm roots in my soul so that is may proliferate this cruel corruption and waiver my misplaced faith so that now I see all things holy and good in this world are but a farce, a sadistic joke played by Gods that care not for me!
As the wetness grips me like the sharp clutch of some large, relentless raptor fit on rendering the sweet flesh of a helpless, squirming babe such as I, I curse the Gods and beings that I, we, had once thought so holy, with divine wisdom, that now I see, for this cold, dark ripple has opened my eyes, that they seek to destroy this world, what little good there is left in it...
And treat us so insignificantly as if my soul, so easily manipulated, carries not an ounce of weight with which to purchase any right to be, to exist, to matter in this cosmos, and I hear laughing, their twisted chortling, rattling, mocking deep in my brain, and I turn my eyes inward hoping, though so lowly I may be, that I may see these Gods and look upon their wicked forms!
Oh please, oh please, oh please, I must ask, I must know the answers as why me and why like this have you, you great beings, you powerful Gods and forces above all, beyond all, why have you chosen me, because it is quite clear to see, even with these clouded, mortal eyes, that you know me as nothing but a pathetic useless thing for you to bat at like a cat with a mouse, nay, a cat a mouse does not do proper comparison for thee, you great things, you incredibly powerful things, are far much more than a cat and I am far much less than a mouse and through the misery of this coldness...
this aching dampness, creeping, crawling, chilling, rooting up my pale, lifeless leg, my useless leg and my accursed shoe, this holed boot, you great things, an ancient wisdom, you have revealed a world beyond, a world not meant for others, a world I, only just now, can even slightly strain my mind to comprehend and you wanted me to see, to see the unseen, to feel new sensations the likes of which any other mere man or woman shall ne'er be fit to feel, to touch, to be, and I should thank thee, even though I am more miserable, cold, wet, clammy, and damp than I should have ever thought possible, now this reality means nothing.
I shall fall to my knees a pray to you, if you'll have me, if you'll take me, a pathetic fool of a man, dumb to your world, blind to the true world of thee, whose errant stepping landed his imprudent foot, with boot and sock fully submerged in a puddle, a cold and unforgiving puddle, and the cold waters, placed by thee, of course.
I see, I see, I see, and I know that now, the cold waters, the rushing chill soaking my being, my lowly mortal form, myself not fit to exist in the same reality as thee, my great gods, my glorious, powerful rulers of my soul, my body, my mind, the cosmos and beyond, you've shown me, generously of course, of course, your world, though I admittedly cannot fully comprehend it as feebleminded as I am compared to the brilliant, infinite knowledge of all things past, present, future, dreaming, waking, unconscious, subconscious, superconscious, radiant, powerful all knowingness of all these and more, so much, so much more than I can ever know even with one thousand lifetimes, and you've reached through that puddle, and plucked my soul from the plane, broke the chains on my mind, of this fool's dream, and let me be free to gaze, not with eyes...
These useless eyes, these lying horrid things that should be gouged clean from my skull, yes, clean holes to expose my mind, my brain, that thing which I feel your hands, your reach, your presence on me, and yes, I shall use these wretched hands, these primitive tools of a being that is no more to you than an insect is to I, yet to call myself an insect is to think too highly of myself, for your immense omnipresence far exceeds anything, everything, and the fear, this puddle in which you placed, destined for my foot to fall so squarely into, has become the source of so much fear because now my innocence has gone, my ignorance dissolved away, my infinite dreams and endless, abyssal nightmares made far more real than I could have ever believed possible and it is all thanks to your work with the puddle, whether or not you even care about me, my existence, or anything at all.
Stop Drop Or Go?
Every stop light they approach turns red before they can make it through the intersection.
Who put this curse on my mom, because she hits all reds. And then there's me. Idk if there was a misfire on that curse because as I approach the intersection it turns yellow, and there is like, .5 seconds to make a decision to go through or stop. 80% of the time I get a yellow.
Sorry I'm Not Here Right Now, I'm Walking Into Spiderwebs
Someone asked a similar question yesterday-about harmless haunting. I didn't respond to that, but I offer this:
Unseen spider webs.
I used to hike a lot back when I was younger and nothing drove me crazier than walking into an unseen spider web on the trail. It's not just the annoying fact that you now have spider silk all over and around you, but it's also how ridiculous you look to others when you get tangled up in it. You look like an absolute dipsh!t- arms flailing, spitting stuff out of your mouth, your eyes all squinted shut-it's awful.
But to have this all over your home, or climbing into your car each time you have to go somewhere-this would drive a person completely bonkers, I think.
At least it would me. I'd just go nuts.
Gosh Darn It
Every time they pick up an object, they drop it. The object doesn't break, and they don't drop it again after picking it up, just the initial time.
I figured I'd add that "not breaking" doesn't apply to objects that would definitely break. Just that objects breaking isn't specifically part of the curse. The curse also only applies to inanimate objects.
Every time they drink a liquid it immediately becomes room temperature.
Trying to drink a hot cup of coffee in the morning? BAM! Room temperature. Want to enjoy an ice cold beer on a hot summer day? NOPE! that beer is warm and foamy.
The Ultimate Curse
A curse that does nothing.
They hear a voice say they're cursed, and it doesn't do anything. That way they spend all of their time worrying about what the curse could be until they eventually cause their own problems and blame it on the curse.
Love is so elusive these days isn't it?
Who knows what anyone is looking for in the relationship department anymore.
It's all too exhausting.
But people we keep trying.
RedditorProblemNice5257wanted to hear why so many people are still on the hunt for that perfect one. They asked:
"Why are you single right now?"
I'm single because I've given up. And I'm good. For now.
PeaceSnoop Dogg Reaction GIFGiphy
"I put absolutely no effort into meeting someone."
"Same! Also it's extremely difficult when you feel so at peace being by yourself. The fact that I have to find someone whose presence outweighs my level of comfort being alone seems impossible."
"Hard to meet people when you are a hermit."
"Yeah, I describe myself as a shut-in, lol. I leave my apartment to work, I leave my apartment to buy food, and occasionally I’ll bring out the trash, otherwise I just watch Hulu, play online chess, surf Reddit."
"Same. I've spent months trying to find an apartment I can afford without a roommate and finally settled on a small studio apartment for $1100 a month because I'd rather living in a tiny space and be left the hell alone than share a much nicer place even with a good friend."
"I have too many unsolved issues, i can't in good conscience bring someone else into them."
"Idk your issues but everyone's got some crap. Not sure how unique yours are but everyone's got some crap. It's good to share some of your struggles with other people. Just don't open with it haha."
"Issues unresolved or not, (in my case) only makes it worse when you feel like you could open up to them, and they just take those to use it against yourself afterwards."
"I hardly go out and expose myself to people. I'm uncomfortable with the notion of myself being in a relationship at this point. Also, I'm very dry in terms of personality."
"I spent a year entirely isolated due to covid and now I can't handle physical contact. It makes me really uncomfortable and a hug is enough to make my body shut down. I'm hopeless."
truthCaptain America Lol GIF by mtvGiphy
"Supply chain issue."
"Best answer here."
That's funny. But it feels oddly true.
Ahhh...Think Winnie The Pooh GIFGiphy
"I'm attracted to many, and unattractive to all."
"Last relationship was so toxic, I've sworn off dating, at least for awhile. I haven't had this much free time in ages. It's nice."
"Edit: Hey, it's really great hearing from so many people with similar experiences. Like many of you, I've been taking it in stride and focusing on bettering myself, both physically and mentally. It's done wonders for my health and I feel a whole lot better. I wish y'all the very best. Stay excellent, my friends."
"I'm 35yr old single father to a 5yr old and I work nights. It's hard to find free time to meet someone, especially in my area. If I do have free time to myself, I like staying home and ordering a pizza while drinking some beers and playing video games. I pretty much faced the fact that I will probably be alone for the rest of my life."
"I was in an 8 year relationship (married for two) to my high school sweetheart. Exactly this same time last year, we got divorced because I found out he was cheating on me with my best friend. The best friend I had known LONGER than him and was friends with since fourth grade."
"She was living with us to try to get back on her feet. Yeah lol. So I lost my best friend and the man I had been with for 8 years within the same night. So I moved to another state, got an apartment by myself, and am now single and divorced all by 26. Not really looking unless the right person comes along."
"It’s pretty happy and peaceful now that they’re both out of my life though honestly. You realize people’s toxicity and flaws the most once you get space away from them."
Bad LoopSeth Meyers Whatever GIF by Late Night with Seth MeyersGiphy
"Because my relationships end before they even begin."
"This is my story right here."
Alright. Now that we've laid out all the excuses, let's get to matching with some people.
There is no bigger mystery than what happens to us after we die.
But even those who don't practice an organized religion tend to believe that there is a Heaven, a happy joyful place where our souls will remain for eternity.
No two people share the same idea of what heaven would be like, but everyone who believes in it probably has an idea of the first thing they'd do after entering the pearly gates.
Redditor WeDidItGuyz was curious to hear what would be top on everyone's list upon entering the afterlife, leading them to ask:
"If heaven exists, what’s the first thing you’d do?"
Overcome with joy
"In all reality?"
"Probably cry for about 30 minutes because the biggest existential fear at the very core my humanity has now been lifted."
"If Heaven exists, like 50% of the awesomeness is just the very fact that it exists."heaven gate GIF by South Park Giphy
A re-match long in the making
"Ask my childhood friend Kevon for a race."
"He used to beat me handily when were younger (9-13) and he’d always brag."
"When I got older and faster I moved away so I was never able to race him again."
"We arranged for a race but he was shot multiple times and bound to a wheelchair until he passed a few years ago."
"I wanna race him both in our prime."- Abethegreat1
Reunite with loved ones
"Find my husband, give him a huge hug and never let go again."
"Live our forever together."
"I f*cking love him and miss him so much."- jessdfrench
"Embrace my sweet wife and tell her how proud I am of the kids."- RifleShower
"Try to find my brother."
"Man, I miss him."
"He died in 2020 at age 34."- grummlinds1
"Give my mum and dad a big hug."- goonerjack007Miss U GIF by GIPHY Studios OriginalsGiphy
Achieve the "firsts" we never got to do
"Find my son and have a beer with him."
"Something we never got to do in real life."- tanukis_parachute
Hone new skills
"Try to play Smoke on the water on my harp."- Ashtar-the-Squid
The joy of doing nothing
"Rest."- BanzaikoowaidCare Free Black Girls GIF by AuroraDrawsGiphy
Live on without pain
"Enjoy my healthy back without pain."- Knackbein_
Who knows what's in store for us after our lives come to an end.
But living with the idea that something wonderful awaits when our time has come is all people need to continue to live their lives to the fullest, and treat others with the respect and kindness they deserve.
"Fun facts" generally refers to a tidbit of information about a specific topic which the general public might not have otherwise known about.
But the first word in that term can be misleading.
Indeed, some "fun facts" reveal information that isn't remotely "fun" in the slightes.
Redditor Alternative_kachocho was curious to hear some "fun facts" which were anything but fun, leading them to ask:
What's a 'fun fact' that isn’t fun at all?"
Ironically, something you likely don't think about...
"Your brain blocks you from feeling your organs moving around inside you."- Aydengeist06
Try watching Finding Nemonow...
"Only one in a thousand sea turtles born actually make it to adulthood."- Sebs_123
Shocking new light on an age old classic
"In the books, Stuart Little was never explicitly called a mouse."
"He's pretty much described as a deformed mouse-esque person born form human parents."- Red_Beard47stuart little mouse GIF by VIASAT3Giphy
Nature running it's course...
"There's a bird that feeds its younger offspring to the eldest."- Teacup_Cult
I have no allergies... yet
"Speaking from personal experience here, but your body can randomly decide to become allergic to damn near everything edible at any time."
"Not very fun."- smallemochick
Those poor, innocent creatures.
"In some regions of Australia, 90 percent of koalas have chlamydia, which poses a threat to the species' extinction unless a vaccine is created or widespread koala culling takes place."- tiffanyjcrusekoalas kiss GIFGiphy
They'd still be here if they weren't so delicious...
"The giant tortoise was so delicious, it caused not only itself to be hunted to extinction, but also the dodo."
"Giant tortoise meat was supposedly better tasting than chicken."
"It's fat tasted better spread on bread than butter."
"Also, it was the perfect food for sailors at the time, as their bladders stored 1 litre of purified water, and they could survive without food in hibernation for almost a whole year in the hull of a ship."
"Not to mention, because they evolved without humans, they were easy to hunt."
"You could tie one to your back, and roll another to the ship and they would just let you."
"It was so delicious, they went unrecorded for a long time because expeditions to bring living samples of wildlife to Europe kept eating them on the way."
"Conversely, the dodo, while as easily captured by sailors, tasted awful."
"It was completely unpalatable."
"HOWEVER, one day, someone discovered if you cooked dodo meat in the more delicious tortoise fat, it tasted just like chicken."
"So now, sailors were hunting a few tortoises at a time for their fat and water, storing them, and then hunting dodos on the daily."
"Overhunting, plus the introduction of rats to the environment (because sailors) which would eat eggs, led go the population to decline at a rate they could not breed to keep up, leading to both animals going extinct."- Kyhan
Don't forget the nose plugs
"Antarctica smells like penguin poop."
"Antarctica is a desert, it is too cold for bacteria to live."
"Nothing there to clean up penguin droppings."
"If you are close enough to see penguins, you will also smell them."- gummby8
Makes those long lines so worth it...
"The TSA missed 96% of contraband during an inspection in 2015."- omegasix321All Falls Down Tsa GIF by Kanye WestGiphy
"The person who had the first facial transplant had her face chewed up by her Labrador dog while asleep due to sleeping pill overdose." - User Deleted
It's hard not to read some of these "fun facts" and wonder if there should be an alternative term for the facts which aren't fun.
Oh yeah, probably not....
It's amazing how one change to your lifestyle can improve your daily life.
Be it starting your day with yoga, eliminating foods that don't agree with you, or simply seeing your friends more often, something we're all eager to do after months of quarantine, it's amazing how one little change can make waking up and getting through your day more bearable.
Perhaps the only frustration that comes with this change, is that you only wished you'd started doing it sooner.
"What improved your life so much, you wished you did sooner?"
There is always fun to be had!
"I stopped living my life just waiting for the weekend."
"When you work 5 days a week and have just 2 off, it's not good to be always waiting for those 2 days."
"You can plan something meaningful or fun every day, even if it's just a small thing."- cake_or_cookies
Listening to your dentist can pay off.
"Actually, I use a water pick now."
"Now my hygiene and cleaning visits are a breeze, and I haven't had a cavity in years!"- perrydolia
A change of scene was just the ticket.
"Just packed up and moved thousands of miles away."
"Left everything behind and just started over."
"Besides some debt, a suit case, and contacts for only the non-toxic people in my life, it's been an extremely liberating experience."
"And looking back, nothing was really preventing me from doing it sooner, no real reasons at least."
"I just kept coming up with excuses not to do it until one day I couldn't think of one."- SpicyRiceAndTuna
No more language barriers!
"Now I have a lot of amazing latino friends and I got a lot of great gigs and opportunities because of it."- kellytai1478
Can't beat the commute
"Not everyone can afford this, but moving closer to work."
"My commute went from 45 miserable minutes in traffic glaring in hatred at the tail lights in front of me to a pleasant 15 minute bike ride."
"I got an hour of free time every day and better health."- munificent
When in doubt, check with your doctor
"Got a proper diagnosis."
"I think a lot of people that for years questioned themselves 'what’s wrong with me?' when they finally got diagnosed it’s a big relief and changes a lot in a better way."- popcornostar
There's no expiration date on education
"Bachelor degree at 47 years old."
"Master degree at 50 years old."
"Doubled my salary in 4 years, from just getting by to on track for retiring at 60."- scientistzero
Get your body moving!
"Exercise every day."
"Anxiety and depression are much easier to manage, and I got some confidence I haven't had in years."- darodardar_Inc
"Low impact cardio."
"F*ck, I loved to run, but it destroyed my legs."
"I can swim my little heart out."- Hyperion0000
Stop and enjoy the beauty of the world once and a while
"When I was told that I would lose my eyesight it made me pay more attention to how beautiful the sky was."
"I can still see and I enjoy watching the clouds on a level I can't even explain."- DaniB3
It's hard not to stop and wonder if our lives would have been even better had we made these changes earlier.
But no point in stopping and looking back, when you can just appreciate how great your life is now.