BRB, just going to shrivel up into a ball and not come out 'till next year.
1. One year my neighbor had a summer pool party for the kids in my grade. It was tradition for all the most daring boys to jump off the roof and into the pool, so, naturally, I got up on that roof. As I waved to my crush, I slipped off the roof and landed my left shin on the edge of the pool. An ambulance ride and 32 stitches later, he pronounced his love for me. It was worth the scar I have now.
2. I decided to print a t-shirt with his face on itand it worked!
3. She was into BDSM so I let her shoot 12 industrial staples into my butt cheeks and then beat them with bamboo spoons for an hour. I couldnt sit comfortably for two weeks.
4. I pretended I could play tennis, we went to the local court and I served a ball right into his little brothers face
5. One time I was in an online relationship in seventh grade with a 14 year old named Sid. This was before the time of digital cameras, and I was too young to get my own disposables developed because I didnt have a car, so I sent him my dance recital photos in skimpy leotards and heavy blush. I put them in the mailbox (how else would you send pictures?) and my parents found them in the outgoing mail. Im pretty sure my mom cried. Her 11 year old chubby brunette was sending pictures of herself barely clothed in a cowboy hat to what was most likely a pedophile in Ohio.
6. I was Snapchatting my crush and I wanted my boobs to appear bigger and perkier, so I told my friendwho was with meto hold them up while I snapped the picture(without getting her hands in it of course). Took a few tries, but I sent it.
7. I sat on his girlfriends face. I thought it would make me seem (Continued)
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I thought it would make me seem bold & sexual.
8. My crush once told me my hair looked pretty (I had straightened it for picture day), so I woke up an hour earlier for school every morning for the next two years and straightened the crap out of my hair until finally it was so fried my mom made me get a bob. I cried.
9. One time I jumped off the high dive to do a cannonball to impress my crush. This was a bad idea for two reasons: 1) a cannonball is the least graceful thing you could do, and 2) when I landed, water went straight up my butt.
10. I bought an iPod, created a fake iCloud account, and set it up as a completely different person. Then, I hooked my crush up with my friend (a.k.a fake me) and texted him using fake photos, etc. Well, my crush proclaimed his love to my friend, and she turned him down. Then, real me swooped in and comforted him. It worked and we ended up dating. He still doesnt know it was me fake dating him for three months. I have no regrets!
11. They mentioned how they needed their hair trimmed, so I told them I was really good at cutting hairI never cut hair a day in my life.
12. When I was in sixth grade, this boy had a crush on me. So, naturally, he thought telling me he had a third testicle would impress me.
13. As a child a few of my friends and my crush were gathered at the lunch tables. We were all discussing cool tricks we could do with our bodies. Some had double jointed thumbs, others had voice talents. I focused everyones attention on me and shouted, I can pull out my hair! and then promptly pulled out a chunk of my hair. My crush called me disgusting and left. My first tragic heartbreak.
14. I thought the boy I liked would like me back if I showed him I could fit my entire fist in my mouth. So I did (Continued)
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So I did and it didnt work. Damn.
15. In third grade I had a huge crush on a boy. He and a group of his friends had a club that would meet on the monkey bars during recess. One day I asked if I could join the club if I showed them something coolI said that I could swing on the monkey bars with no hands or feet. They were like LOL OK, so I said 1 23, and flung myself backwards. I face-planted in the dirt. The teachers LAUGHED at me.
16. One time me and my crush went on a fishing trip, and to impress him I ate a minnow. A dead minnow.
17. I had a crush on a bad boy in 10th grade. I was a sweet kid, but wanted to look tough and impress him. At a school dance when I saw him looking in my direction, I pushed my friend really hard and wrestled her to the ground to make it look like we were in a fight. For some reason I thought hed be impressed by this. I looked like a wild goof and my friend was mad at me for a week.
18. I shaved my eyebrows for an entire year because he thought cyber-goth chicks were hot. Nine years later and they still haven't grown back all the way.
19. From grade 3 to grade 5, this dude named Charles had a crush on me. At the time I was all "Eew, boys!". He did all kinds of wild stuff to get my attention. The most common was to try to "surprise smooch" me, which promptly made me chase him and scratch him (Why? I don't know. Kids being kids.) every time.
The craziest, though, was definitely this one day in music class: He asked the teacher to stop the class for a second. He kneeled in front of me, handed me a rose and sung to me a very cheesy Brazilian song which the chorus says "Honey, I love you". I have always been extremely shy and having the whole class looking at me in that extremely embarrassing situation just made me snap. I pushed him away and left.
He constantly asked for teachers to let him speak in front of the class or asked the English teacher to play songs and when she would put them on, he would point at me and say: "Hey this one is for you!".
20. I had the biggest crush on this guy in my biology class. We flirted but he wouldn't ask me out. So when it came time to dissect the frogs I decided to step up my game. I showed him, rather enthusiastically, how to (Continued)
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I showed him, rather enthusiastically, how to shave the frog's head little by little using the scalpel so you could see the brain without damaging it. As an unintended result one of the girls in my group threw up in the trash can. Ten years later and we're married with two kids!
21. To get her attention, I threw a fry directly at her forehead. I'm not joking. It worked too.
22. Walked by him MANY MANY times until he asked me if I was lost and I replied, "FINALLY you notice. I was getting tired of walking."
We then dated for two years.
23. She's in the medical field so I messaged her if she can help me identify my illness and I listed the symptoms of being in love.
24. Drunk me thought I could make my crush jealous by hooking up with a random dude in a port-a-potty during a late night BBQ party in a park. Drunk me is not an intelligent woman.
25. My then crush accidentally threw away her retainer. I dug through the trash at our high school to find it for her. I admit it made me look desperate but she seemed to like me a little more after that. We have been married for almost 10 years now.
26. Drove 225 miles to a Krispy Kreme because she said one time that she missed them so much. If she didn't know I had a crush before, I'm pretty sure I overplayed my hand on that one.
27. Took my grandma's car to drive an hour and a half just to sit outside her house. I texted her telling her I was coming over to see her she agreed. Got there she was actually (Continued)
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Got there she was actually asleep. It was 4 am during the week and I was 14 with no drivers license.
28. I gave her thousands of dollars worth of baseball cards by mistake. Here's the story: there was a girl in my class who I had a HUGE crush on for many years. I wanted to do something very special for her, and I remembered my dad saying that he had some "very special cards" in the garage. Yes, it was his prized baseball card collection. I didn't know that they were so valuable, and proceeded to take them out of the binder thinking, "He has so many! He won't notice if I take ten or so." Well, I showed up to class and had wrapped them up all nicely with a card that professed my love to her. She was actually a really sweet person, so she smiled and said thank you, but in all honesty she was very nonplused by the dinky little pieces of paper with weirdo random athletes I had just handed her. Anyway, that night my dad gets a call from her dad, and they drive by together to return the cards. As her dad hands the cards over, he goes, "He's going to make a great boyfriend some day." They had a good laugh together. Later that night, my dad scolded me for taking his property, but I could tell he was also a little proud.
- Anonymous
29. My crush and coworker tweeted during her opening shift "I'm so tired someone bring me Starbucks". I tweeted back with something encouraging about working the morning shift at a fast food place and soon she responded "aw thanks". 2 minutes later I hand delivered a frappuccino THROUGH the drive-thru window to her.
30. Switched my whole senior year schedule around so that I could have a class with her. Didn't take the class I needed to get into the university program of my choice. Had to take an extra semester while she went off to said university. She started dating a guy there and hasn't stopped ever since. I'm just on the sidelines, hoping there will be a chance one day.
-Anonymous
31. I was drawing a little cartoon on my notebook when the girl I had a HUGE crush on in college saw it and laughed. I was like, "this is my chance." So I began drawing more cartoons of our inside jokes or funny things that would happen in class or on campus or whatever. I would pre-draw things but pretend to whip them up in class, so I would spend around 1-2 hours drawing every day just to have the perfect picture done by next class. Well, we never ended up dating BUT (Continued)
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We never ended up dating, but having a class with that girl all year made me practice drawing so much that I ended up getting really into illustration and transferred to another school to do a degree in it. I saw that random girl on Facebook the other day and, well what the heck, I thought, and I messaged her to tell her that having a crush on her changed the entire path of my life. Guess who has a date next week?
-Anonymous
32. I lived about 3 miles from my high school. After school I would jog all the way to the school and back so I could passively wave to my crush during her cross-country practices. I hate running....
33. Wrote their university entry essay for them. They got in. To Harvard.
-Anonymous
34. Started smoking just to have a reason to hang out with her. I'm literally dying to hang out with her.
35. When I was seventeen, this girl that I was madly in love with asked me to drive her to Buffalo (a city 400 miles away from my home town) to visit a friend. We had just kissed for the first time the week before, and I was elated to spend a weekend away with her.
So I lied to my parents, drove all the way up to Buffalo in the dead of winter, and when we arrived at her friend's house, another guy came out and gave her a hug and a kiss.
Not knowing what to do, I said, "Give me a call when you're done." I drove off to the mall, watched The Ice Harvest, slept in my car, and picked her up the next morning.
I drove for 8 hours not saying a word, and listened to her try to apologize. Even after seven years, I am convinced that every subsequent women I've been with will do that to me.
play in my flip flops. After getting off to a great start on Afronova, I decide to get fancy and start doing spins while on the pad. And promptly fell off of it. Everyone in the student union was watching. I was known as "that DDR guy" for the first two months of school.
In other states, you and your ladies can live a more peaceful life. Here in Florida, it's A Song of Sweat And Fire Ants.
Ever get tiny little jellyfish stuck under your side-boob? Happens here all the time.
Bikinis should come with a "Sand Lice, Your Titty Crease, And You" informational pamphlet.
Wanna jog? Hope you accounted for the fact that the air is soup and will chafe and cauterize your nipples.
Know what limits your field of vision, making you more likely to accidentally step on a snake and/or gator? Boobs.
Know what slows you down as you try to escape the angry reptile from the above paragraph? Also boobs.
Reddit user Saibotnl1 asked:
"What's the most negative thing about having boobs?"
Now take all this stuff they said sucked, and then put it inside of a steam oven filled with mosquitos. That's Florida.
And Florida is incompatibile with breasts.
Cardio Is Hardio
GIF by VIASWEATGiphy"I love them but running can be a nuisance even in a good sports bra."
- [Reddit]
"When I go to work, there is a woman that usually runs on the shoulder of the road. I gasp at how much her boobs bounce. Isn't that doing damage to tissue? Painful?"
- notanotherbreach
"Yes! I literally always hold mine when going up/down stairs so they dont bounce. Running is uncomfortable even with a good bra :/ "
- k_g94
"If it's a sports bra that holds you, it's so tight that it's impossible to get into or out of without a whole team of people like a pit crew."
"If you can comfortably get into it, it won't hold the girls for long."
"Cardio is just not worth all this."
-[Reddit]
"As a kid I wasn't fit enough for jump rope, but now that I'm older and have the big boobies it feels even more impossible to ever indulge in."
- PoiLethe
Literally In The Way
"They get in the way!!"
"Lately I've been getting frustrated with exercise. My personal trainer will say to hold something a certain way and I'll try but it's so uncomfortable because my boobs are completely in the way."
"She has small boobs so she doesn't account for them being in that space right in front of your chest."
- J09Lynn
"My English teacher in 10th grade was drinking water one day when a few drops landed on his shirt. He then complained about getting older and how he never stuck out far enough to get his shirt wet."
"I just sighed."
"4th grade. 4th grade is when I stuck out too much to avoid drips."
- wheredMyArmourGo
"So very much this."
"I refuse to do mountain climbers when my trainer suggests it, she started to get mad saying it's a great exercise. My retort was that I'd really rather not knee myself in the breasts as part of my workout."
"The lady has small boobs and replied that she had never thought of that!"
- Pauliester
Growing Pains
"Probably growing them."
"It hurts, and if you get big boobs young and quickly, it’s both physical and social agony."
"It hurts to grow them, first of all, your chest aches and bumping them against anything really hurts - and since they’re a sudden, large addition to your body, you’re ALWAYS bumping them on stuff."
"But the social aspect is worse."
"Your female family members comment on them slyly and smirk at your response."
"Your male friends look at you weird and you have to realize they see you as more sexual than girls with smaller chests, even though you literally cannot control this."
"Other girls can be nasty and jealous."
"Eventually I learned to manage all this and I like having breasts now; but from like 11-16 I was so frustrated and upset that I had developed them at all."
- Individual_Ad_7523
Two Volcanos
rachael ray boob sweat GIF by First We Feast: Hot OnesGiphy"The sweat and itch!"
"Also that they're like two volcanos, which isn't especially practical during summers or when you're a constantly hot temperatured person anyway."
- Queen-of-meme
"No matter what I try, the skin under my boobs never cools down!"
- Local_Masterpiece_
"Boob sweat is the bane of my existence when it's even a little bit hot outside - and sometimes even when it's not lol..."
- PleasuredMeatStick
"I hate the feeling of sweat on my boobs. I just put tissue between and underneath my boobs to hopefully absorb the sweat so it won’t start to itch and drip."
- LuckyBugHarley
Technological Advancements
"I STILL am not able to remove them after a long day. Why?!"
"Why can't I just set em aside for the night, all done. Why hasn't technology advanced to this possibility yet??"
- IAmNotLookingatYou
"Absolutely they would. The relief we would get ... oh my god it sounds divine."
"Maybe I wouldn’t be so b*tchy."
- Object_Prize
"I’d honestly probably only wear them for ren faire, and leave them at home the rest of the year."
- AbbyNormalKnits
Double Trouble
"The double standard of girls with small chests and big chests."
"If you have a big chest no matter what you wear or do it's sexual. But for girls with smaller chests they can get away with crop tops or v necks or even swim suits."
- BigBunsLittleBunbun
"Lol the bigger girls who spent their entire grade school years getting sent to the principal's office for breaking dress code will agree with you."
"Loose shirts will tent and billow up in the wind as you walk-- dress coded."
"Tight shirts that don't tent but cling to your chest-- dress coded."
"And don't even think about anything but a crew neckline, or you'll be dress coded again."
- cryptic-coyote
"Exactly!"
"I always got in trouble for wearing dresses in school, but skinny Minnie wearing something even worse gets by no problem just because she doesn't fill it out the way I do."
- APD2269
Expensive
Happy Music Video GIF by DJ MustardGiphy"They're expensive."
"Bras are expensive and you need regular bras, sports bras, probably something special like a strapless or low back if you have a special occasion or something."
"And don't even get me started on women's healthcare ..."
- SailorSpoon11
"Stage 4 breast cancer patient here, and it costs me about an extra $5000/yr to stay alive if everything goes well."
- insertcaffeine
"I just stopped breastfeeding and none of my bras fit anymore."
"I’ve just been wearing sports bras every day because I don’t even know what cup size I am anymore and I don’t want to spend a fortune replacing all of my bras."
- kaytay3000
"Plus if you choose not to wear bras for any number of reasons, you’re treated as deviant or an acceptable target of inappropriate attentions."
- letsjumpintheocean
Getting Comfortable
"Laying on your stomach can be tricky."
- ChadweenaThundervag
"Laying on your back can be tricky as well."
"And on your side."
"Just laying in general with big boobs is a hassle."
- Skkaj225
"Am guy."
"However women in my life have found it difficult to get a decent back massage because of this. I've seen plenty of massage tables with head holes, but none with boob support..."
- DeluxeWafer
"Semi-suffocating yourself on the beach while trying to get some sun on your back is fun."
- Miikami
Either Or
"The fact that I look like a walking refrigerator if I wear a loose fitting top, as it billows shapelessly around my body in an odd fabric rectangle."
"But if I wear something form fitting, I look like a lady of the night and am treated as such."
- batchofbetterbutter
"OMG this !!"
"I feel like all my girlfriends around me have such a fashion sense and can wear things with such grace but I always look as you’ve described. Like either I look like a couch pillow or Jessica Rabbit."
"Sometimes I just want to cut them off honestly."
- octokisu
"Yeah I’ve been wanting a reduction since a was a teen because of the back pain and catcalling, and many people I know with a bigger chest feel the same way."
- didithedragon
"I had no idea women hated their boobs so much! It honestly is shining a light on an idea I have never thought of."
- Peter_the_pear
Attempted Murder
Black Woman Breast Cancer Awareness GIF by Know Your GirlsGiphy"They might try to kill me."
"Breast cancer runs in my family and I have to have my first mammogram this year at 36."
"My mom was negative for both BRCA genes but there are 6 others they’ve discovered since she had cancer that we haven’t been tested for."
"Insurance won’t cover me to test unless she tests positive for one."
- Outrageous-Proof4630
"Fun fun fun."
"My mom died from breast cancer at 46. I started getting mammograms at 34."
"Luckily, I took the BRCA test and was negative."
- lil_ho_on_da_prairie
It's Constant
"Constantly being sexualized."
"I’m the least sexual person but people assume I’m super sexual because of my body. And I hate it"
- Plus_Bison_7091
"Yup, I'm ace and I honestly just want them chopped off to be rid of the constant sexualization of my body."
"It makes me really uncomfortable."
- zapsquad
"My friend in elementary school had a condition where she went into puberty super early and had large breasts by 3rd grade."
"We would walk together to elementary school every morning and get cat called a lot, but we were too afraid to tell our parents because we thought they wouldn't let us walk together anymore."
"She would have teachers make comments about them."
"When we were older she talked about how insanely awful and alienating it made her feel growing up. Her younger sister had the same condition, but went on puberty blockers for it."
- gentlybeepingheart
Destroyed
"These pendulous bags of hell have destroyed my back."
"Even a decade after a reduction surgery, I remain in daily pain. And now as an added bonus they get to be misshapen, scarred horribly, and completely useless for raising a baby."
- Originalluff
"I didn’t realize how heavy they are until I got together with girl with big boobs and woooooow they are heavy!"
- I_love_pillows
"I got C cups in fifth grade and those f*ckers went all the way to G by senior year."
"My posture was/is awful and I've felt like an old woman since I was a teenager. I don't even want babies, so they're never actually gonna be useful either."
- Rozeline
See what I mean?
They're kind of awful once they hit a certain size, and that size is pretty much ANY size if you're in Florida.
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Tell me your worst. Mine our stories where I had find my clothes in the dark and sneak out naked.
Don't ask...
A Late Run
Tom Hanks Running GIFGiphy"Asked if he could drive my car to the gas station to buy cigarettes and when he came back he told me he left my keys in the car and it was running."
TopOcelot13
Beefed
"An old friend invited me over for her famous beef stew. I got there, we fool around, had sex, then right after she handed me a tupperware of the stew and said 'you got sex and stew, now please leave.' Still not sure if that's the worst way I was kicked out or the best."
TheRockMan31
"Most of the people here didn’t get stew. You did okay!"
livesarah
'is it that obvious'
"Went home with a girl from the bar. After we had sex, she said something like 'soooo... think you can get an Uber now? If not, I GUESS you can sleep on the couch for a few hours.' Here I was, sitting on some random girl's couch trying to find an Uber at 4 AM. Mercifully I did find one and when the guy picked me up he said 'so, your hookup kick you out?' I said 'is it that obvious' and he replied 'you weren't the first one I drove back to their car tonight and you probably won't be the last.'"
apocalypticradish
Yummy
Hungry Taco Bell GIFGiphy"Go grab some Taco Bell. You can eat it on your way home. Honestly it was better than the sex. And I don't even like Taco Bell that much."
Nobody_Wins_13
I hate Taco Bell. And since reading this... I hate people.
Mrs. Robinson?
Seduce Dustin Hoffman GIF by Top 100 Movie Quotes of All TimeGiphy"She lit a cigarette, then looked at me for like 20 seconds, and said 'Well, bye.' I just got dressed and left. Never saw her again."
Rhalellan
And you are?
"While dozing off, he gently tapped my shoulder, and said: 'Maribel, you can’t stay here.'"
"My name is not Maribel."
tikkichik21
"See this is what happens when you don’t let people talk about Bruno."
Brendanlendan
Go
"He got off me and started looking at pictures of other women on Instagram, and commenting on how much more attractive they were than me and told me 'oh yeah you can go now.' We were best friends for like two years up until that moment."
Caramel_Cappucino
"I’m open minded but this is exactly why I often don’t trust male friendships. You could even be a lesbian and one moment of vulnerability they may take advantage of that. I know it’s unrelated but your experience made me upset and I’m sorry you had to go through that."
L8NiGHTFLiGHT
second time...
"He rolled over, grabbed his phone, and without even looking at me said 'find your clothes, you know where the door is' and just laid there on his phone ignoring me while I gathered my clothes and left. He tried texting me a few days later because he was drunk and horny so I told him 'you know where your hand is' and blocked him."
olivinemultichrome
Gross
Paris Hilton Reaction GIFGiphy"We were good friends for a few years before hooking up after a night of drinking."
"Halfway through sex he told me he can't actually do this because he wanted to get back with his ex and can't mess it up because she's the hottest girl he'll ever be with. He lived in the middle of nowhere and I couldn't leave until the morning so he made me sleep on the couch."
barontayto
Wow. Some people are truly disgusting. How do you treat other humans this way?
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But on occasion, some people in relationships go off in pursuit of one-sided pleasures in secret for various reasons.
These can range from going out to a vegan restaurant when the other person is a carnivore to seeing a Netflix show that is too violent for a squeamish significant other.
Because not every significant other may not share the same passion, Redditors TheTinRam asked:
"What’s a guilty pleasure you hide from your significant other?"
These Redditors needed some "me time."
Dad Time
"Everytime I go on a late night grocery run (once or twice a month) because I work nights, and my wife forgot to grab whatever, I add a $0.70 Mexican soda to the cart. It is just for me. It is something my dad used to get me on especially long days when I was a kid 'helping' him on jobsites. It is my tiny reminder of him."
– thecountnotthesaint
Story For No One
"I write stories for years now, some of the times she thinks I'm working on the computer but I'm actually writing a story. There is nothing to hide but I just keep it to myself, none of my family members know I write stories. Till today I have written 56 stories (most of them are short)."
– SuvenPan
In The Wee Small Hours Of The Morning
"Staying up late for peace and quiet."
– Blue_OG_46
Chatting For One
"I talk to myself all the time, I was actually wondering last night if it was a really weird thing to do lol"
– hottytoddy_sko
Naked And Sacred
"I will cruise the house butt naked and just do whatever the hell I want. About once a month. I won’t be able to this summer because the kids will be back in school, but come August, I’ll be naked and free again!"
– batchofbetterbutter
Some people need to get out of the house.
Self Therapy
"Sometimes I take the long way home and talk to myself in the car about my 'problems' - like Self Therapy. I put one earbud in so ppl think I could be on the phone."
"I get quite animated. It helps to get a stressful day out of my system before I get home and switch gears."
– Humble-Plankton2217
Solo Slice
"My husband has gluten sensitivity. If he eats regular pizza, his stomach hurts for a couple of days after."
"Well, I don't, so sometimes I say I'm going for a run, and I do run.... to the pizza store, eat a slice, and run back."
– sohumsahm
Catching Up With The Boys
"Covid has messed it up for a bit now. But every 3 or so months the boys and I all get up like we are going to work at our respective jobs but instead all call in sick and meet for breakfast, then go back to our one buddies place for the day to hangout. Around 4 or 5 one by one we all head home for our normal arrival time."
"It's literally the only way for us all to get together reliably. Most of us have known each other for the better part of 30 years now, going way back to junior kindergarten for some."
"Twice I have let her know my plan for the day and twice I have gotten phone calls to come home early for what ever not some emergency. So now we do it secretly."
– foh242
Some of the things people do behind their SO's backs is for endearing reasons.
Smooch Ploy
"I don’t know if this is a guilty pleasure necessarily but I pretend to be asleep when he comes home from work because he always kisses me on the forehead."
– str8outofabook
Catching Zzzs
"I love when she snores."
"She complains (only lightly) about my snoring all the time, and I always feel awful that I make it tricky for her to get a good night's sleep. When she's snoring, I know she's actually going to rest well, and it makes me happy."
– ricdesi
Scent Of A Man
"Smelling his clothes. Not creepily, like his boxers. But when he lets me borrow a shirt or a sweater I’ll put it on and just revel in the smell of him on his clothes. If I recall correctly, it definitely wasn’t like this when we first started dating. It’s been over two years now and I only remember doing this around the 7 month mark. He smells really, really good."
– he-whoeatsbugs
The Forever Admirer
"I have a whole album of 'unflattering' pictures of her. Not really something I hide, but they make me happy. She’s so silly yet so beautiful."
– Dewahll
They say that a couple that plays together, stays together.
That's all well and good. However, a significant other having some alone time should never be stigmatized.
My husband and I usually watch every TV show together, but I watch Netflix's Ozark by myself because I enjoy intense dramas, immensely.
It's not a secret. And he's glad I watch the shows that I want to watch on my own time–just like I encourage him to watch all those UFO documentaries that he's obsessed with, by himself.
No really, watch them without me.
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