Parenting is a joy---most of the time. Sometimes it really keeps our pride in check. Other times, we realize how necessary we are as a parent/legal guardian after we watch out children do something that could have literally almost killed them. That second one doesn't happen SO often, but when it does, it's a doozy.
Here were some of those answers.
Your Big Brother Was Right
When I was 9 or so my big brother said that I couldn't karate-chop a 2x4 in half. On edge. I promptly chopped the 2 inch edge so hard I broke my hand. Then I didn't tell my mom for a week until my hand turned black. It's still not right.
Don't let your kids watch ninja movies.
A Noble Effort To Conceal
The one time my son came into the house from the backyard and loudly declared "I'm going to sit like this" with his hand covering his forehead. When we finally convinced him to move his hand, we discovered he was covering a huge goose egg that was already turning black and blue. Turns out, he took the rubber mallet and hit the volleyball as hard as he could thinking it would pop. Spoiler alert: it didn't pop.
We were grateful he didn't use the claw hammer.
The Human Fish
He has a way of getting things stuck in him, once he just stuffed a .5 pencil lead down his ear and I had to pin him down so it would not go any deeper. Just the other day he got a metal coat hanger stuck in his mouth like a fishing hook. He also got a shoe lace he was playing with stuck around a pole, more like he was just stupid and he was pulling on both ends when it was around the pole. He's my sibling to be clear.
Unusual Removal MethodsGiphy
Years ago my little brother (about 5 at the time) and I were left home alone. I figured he was okay watching TV and drinking his juice box, so I went upstairs. All of a sudden, I hear him screaming. I rush downstairs to see him freaking out and blood gushing from his nose.
(Barely coherent, through tears): "I stuck the straw up my nose and it got stuck and I tried to get it out with this pencil"
He was eventually fine but... Jesus Christ.
Your Existence Is A Miracle
My little brother used to enter into meaninglessly stupid bets with his friend.
Once, they bet that they could withstand more slaps than the other. They stood there slapping each other in the face for 20 minutes until one gave up.
Another, they bet they could shake hands longer than the other. This was at Disney world. They went on for about two days. They slept together. They pooped together.
Another time they bet who could eat more sand. They swallowed it. Each had several handfuls.
I don't know how they survived childhood.
When preschool teacher asked my then 4.5 year old son what he wanted to be when he grew up for their graduation photo...
I got back a photo of him holding a card that said "a chicken".
It Will Always Hurt
When my son was 8ish, he took a can of hairspray and PURPOSELY sprayed his eyes to see if it hurt.
After 20 minutes of screaming, crying, and splashing water in his eyes, he can finally see again.
So he sprays himself again to see if it would hurt the second time....
Like Family To The ER Staff
My little brother used to catch crabs by sticking his finger down the hole in the sand, waiting for it to pinch him, then yanking it out of the hole.
Once, we caught a chameleon, not native to our area, in a tree we were cutting down. My brother wondered what their bite would be like. So he pressed it's mouth to the soft part of his hand between your thumb and pointer finger. Fun fact they have sharp teeth, don't let go and can bite fairly hard for their ~1ft size.
He had 2 rings of puncture holes on his hand. Countless other stories of injuries. My father and I each went to the ER about once a year in my childhood. My brother generally made it 2-3 times a year. The ER had a beautiful salt water aquarium and let us name a fish each. We also got a Christmas card from the staff for 3-4 years when we were both in high school. My brother has had a successful underwater construction business since he graduated high school. He recently finished his second degree in engineering so it all worked out.
This may have been me at one point in my life.
When I was very young, either kindergarten or first grade, I asked my mother about death. I knew that everyone died, but I wanted to know when I would die.
My mother kindly told me that "everyone's life has a timer, but we can not know for certain exactly when ours will expire." I thought about this for a little bit, and the thing that kept coming to mind was our little kitchen timer. This little timer only went up to 99 minutes.
My young mind came to the conclusion that I had at most 99 minutes to live, because a timer could not possibly go any higher than that. I was not entirely sure how long 99 minutes was, but I was absolutely sure that I would die that day.
That night, being afraid to go to sleep, my parents asked what was up. When I told them they laughed and calmly explained that some timers go longer than 99 minutes, and that it was safe to go to bed.
My brother was cooking top ramen, and he had seen us either cook it in the microwave or in a pot on the stove. So he naturally put it in the metal pot and put the whole thing in the microwave. It was pretty bad.
He was 15 at the time.