whisper | Jamin Gray | Flickr

There are myriad reasons why people don't come out and reveal certain things. We keep secrets to protect ourselves and to protect our relationships. We keep secrets to "keep the peace." We also keep secrets at the expense of our own happiness.

After Redditor freshtatertots asked the online community, "What is a secret you've never told anyone?" people used the veil of anonymity to speak candidly.

Warning: Sensitive content ahead. The following article contains discussion of suicide/self-harm.

"I don't feel..."

I don't feel very often. I know what I'm expected to feel, and I know how to emulate those feeling but I don't really give a dam. For instance, if a close family member dies, I can pretend to be sad, but I just don't care.


"I deal with severe panic attacks..."

I deal with severe panic attacks, and I don't feel like I'm alive on a daily basis. I've got something called desrealization where I basically don't even feel real and have to constantly remind myself I'm not in a dream. It's so hard to live life normally, I feel like I died 10 years ago and this is ghost body continuing my would-be reality.

It's much better now, but it still is challenging to live. Combine that with all the other issues I deal with in my life and it's hard to look forward. I've never been closer to ending it all, but I really don't want to. I'm hanging on by a few threads.


"No one knows..."

I secretly binge on amphetamines after my wife and kid go to bed on a Friday night. Makes me useless on a Saturday. No one knows, battling to stop.


"I do something called..."

I do something called maladaptive daydreaming. (There's a subreddit for it) I created a character in my mind when I was 13 one day in art class and dealing with a lot of school and family issues. Basically I kind of disassociate and imagine the character and their world which includes friends and spouses that are real people or other characters I've imagined. (They've been married three times.) This world is my go-to when I'm doing something tedious, trying to fall asleep or are just bored like being on a road trip. I'm 50 years old and relatively successful in life (married, a mom, friends, decent job etc.) but I still go back to them multiple times a day. It's weird but I don't think I can stop ... I don't think I even really want to.


"I fantasize..."

I go to bed every day wishing to not wake up.

I fantasize on having a terminal desease such as cancer and just let myself die.

I'm not a sad guy, I'm actually a fun and overall sociable person. I'm a fairly successful musician with an international career, I have great close friends, my family is overall ok, I'm not suicidal either, I just lost all the will to live. I'll do my stuff while I'm at it, but I still sleep with that thought every day for the past few years.


"When I was a little kid..."

When I was a little kid I chipped a tooth after hitting ny head on the kitchen counter. Official story is that I slipped while climbing to get something from the cupboard above. Honest story is that I was a stupid kid, saw how cartoon characters act when they laugh hysterically, and thought I'd try it out.


"One of my best friends..."

One of my best friends passed away last year and I'm still not over it emotionally. I got a tattoo as a way to grieve (that's just my thing), but he was buried in another state and I cannot visit his grave to try to get through the process of coming to terms and I'm stuck. He was practically like a twin brother to me, we were so alike in the way we did things, the things we liked, etc. I miss him every day and my group of friends have no idea how bad his death rocked me. We talk about him, but none of them were as close to him as I and one other guy was. Us three would stay up all night gaming and talking about the stupidest stuff. I miss my brother every day and wish I had time to say proper goodbye.


"In first grade..."

In first grade, just a couple months in at a new school, I slipped and fell on the blacktop during recess and scraped or bruised something (can't recall what). Teacher let me back into our classroom, with an ice pack, then went back outside to supervise the remainder of recess. I eventually had to go to the bathroom, but thought I'd get in trouble for going without anyone's permission, so I just sat there and eventually pissed pants. Kids eventually returned, someone noticed the puddle, I suggested the bag of ice must've leaked, and a couple kids helped clean it up with paper towels. No one suspected a thing.


"I live in a very homophobic home..."

That I'm bi. I live in a very homophobic home and I don't have any "close" friends.


"I don't..."

I don't really have friends. I have some people who call 'me' their best friend. Maybe because they share their problems with me and I listen and give positive advices to them. But no one knows much about me.


If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/

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