It can be hard to tell people exactly how you feel if you're in a situation where you can't tell them off directly. It can be even harder to get them to leave you alone. Anyone who has ever worked in a customer-facing job knows this frustration well.
This has given rise to some pretty creative to tell people off and make it clear you want them to go away without actually being impolite.
Reddit user u/Chorbles510 asked:
"I hope the rest of your day is as pleasant as you are."
Bless your heart
Even worse when it's followed by: "Well aren't you so sweet"
"We have nothing further to discuss here, please see yourself out."
My wife, who is normally one of the nicest people (unless you're trying to pick her up or you're really irritating) told a coworker of hers, "Could you leave the room, please? I need to spend the next fifteen minutes not listening to the sound of your voice."
I think "f**k off" is less harsh to be honest.
If I threw you a going away party, would you?
I do desire we may be better strangers.
I think we're done here. Thank you.
I invite you to leave me alone
Man someone told me something that happened to them and even I felt the burn. He was in a meeting and the higher ups were discussing what to do with the company moving forward. My friend decided to chime in and give all of his thoughts on it. The higher ups sat there quietly until he was done and then immediately continued on with their conversation. He said he slunk so deep into his chair that he was practically on the floor.
Govern yourself accordingly.
As a freelancer, this phrase can be so cathartic: "I'm not sure my skills and your needs are well aligned at this time."
"I'll take that into consideration, thank you."
Among the UK middle classes, being slightly over polite is a good f**k off. For example. 'It was so lovely to see you again' in the right tone does wonders.
And "I'm so glad we bumped into each other" with the emphasis on the "so".
I was at a festival and this guy came over and started talking to our group about God knows what. He was really enthusiastic about it all. I didn't want to ruin his vibe so I told him to "Go spread the word!". He was really happy to hear that, and off he went. My friend literally said "that's the nicest way you could've told him to f off."
In Japan, it is a strict tradition in more rural areas as well as Osaka and Kyoto that if you are expecting company at your home, you will have tea ready for them. Without fail.
That said, that same formality factors into telling them to get the hell outta your house: It is common to hint to someone that they've overstayed their welcome by asking them, "Would you like some more tea?"
The implication is that they've stayed long enough to drink all the tea you made for them, so it's time for them to hit the road. But it's a general saying, and can be used if they mentioned how the prime ministerial candidate you support is a total jerk, and you're politely telling them to go jump inside a trash compactor like the garbage they are.
Either way, rural Japanese people are metal hidden inside a fluffy pillow!
I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm going to walk away now.
One of my clients, a 5 year old girl in OT, was trying to play a game that another child in the group session was leading. The other kid was making confusing rules and yelling at her when she got it wrong. She finally said very cool and collected "I don't think this game is worth all the confusion". It was the most eloquent and polite "FU you and your stupid game" I've ever seen.
Start your sentence with 'with all due respect...'
An absolute must for covering your ass in the military or similar work environments. The brilliance of of those four words? You don't have to specify how much respect you believe is actually due or how much respect you're actually showing them.
I'm an attorney. When the opposition makes ridiculous arguments that have no factual or legal significance, and the judge asks if I'd like to respond, I always say the same thing, "to that? No thank you, your honor." It makes the other attorney so mad every time.
In the corporate world, "As per my last email" or "As stated in the handbook" are two phrases that come as across as F-off.