Top Stories

People Reveal Their Best 'My Parents Are Going To Kill Me' Stories

Breaking curfew. Skipping school. Speeding. Sneaking internet porn. We do stuff as kids we know will get us into trouble, and half the fun is talking our way out of it. Parents are always one step ahead...

cloudlessnine8 asked: What was your "Oh sh*t my life is over my parents are gonna kill me" moment you had as a child/teen?

Submissions have been edited for clarity, context, and profanity.


This is curious and sounds fun.

I put my cheap gel pens in a microwave when I was 11 because they wouldn't work and my teacher told me that it's because the ink has 'frozen'. Let's say I had to work extra that summer so I could get a new microwave.

whimsical_warrior

When I was home alone, I put a metal spoon in the microwave and the microwave kind of blew up with a spark and died. I told my parents it just stopped working but didn't know why. Was so worried. When I told them as an adult, they said they knew.

ccc_dsl

Your teacher doesn't sound too bright.

The_Big_Red89

90's kids problems.

For a month I kept taking the internet cord from my parents room and running it to the living room. Plugging it in the TV box. I was washing the dishes when my dad started reading out the porn titles on the bill....

Bluejay5701

As a 2000s kid, stories like these always fascinate me.

BrokeUniStudent69

Same. We were there, but not actually there.

HyperLordXP

You were already on thin ice.

Every single day my mom told me to be careful near the frozen pond next to our house.

One day enough snow melted in order for my friends and I to play soccer in the field next to the pond. As you can guess at one point the ball ended up dead center in the middle of the pond on the ice.

My child brain figured if I could throw a stick on the ice, it was safe to walk on. So after making sure the ice was stable by throwing not one but two sticks, I started my walk to get the ball. It was like a scene from a movie, I reached the center and the second I picked up the ball and attempted to turn around I fell straight through the ice and went under. I had to break the ice the entire way back to shore and had my clothes dried at a friend's house a few blocks away. By the time I got there I thought I was on my deathbed but I could never tell my mom I was dumb enough to go out there or she would have probably killed me.

I'm now 26 and have still never told my parents I did that lol.

VosTelvannis

Points for honesty.

This story takes place in the mid 90s.

I was 16. Skipping school out f*cking around in my car with friends. Took a turn too fast and put the car in a ditch. We got the car out of the ditch with the help of a passerby. Not a scratch on it by some miracle.

Get home and dad asks "So how was school?" in a way that told me he knew full well I wasn't at school. If there is one thing my father instilled in me it is this: no matter how bad you f*ck up, lying about it will only make it worse. Own up, take your punishment and don't do it again.

So I told him exactly what happened. He couldn't really take the car away. I'd purchased it (from him for full trade in value) out of money I'd saved from working at a pizza joint. But he found other ways to make my life a living hell for a few months after that.

Come to find out, the good Samaritan who helped us out of the ditch was a coworker of my dad who recognized the car and had called dad to let him know about my adventures.

zombiemann

Haha, I saw a family member at a red light once when I was skipping school. He asked me why I wasn't in school and I said, you never saw me and drove away. He never told my parents! Thanks Leo!

LydierBear

Nope nope nope.

When I was 12, we were visiting my mom's family for Christmas and staying at my aunt's house like we usually did. Behind her house was a creek that ran through most of the neighborhood. This particular year, it had been really cold and there was snow at least 6" deep in most places.

I was playing out in the snow and looked back at the creek and saw some really weird icicles that I wanted to get a closer look at. I crossed a fallen log to get to the opposite side of the creek, facing the back of my aunt's house, and walked along the bank looking at the ice. Basically the creek was flowing and not frozen, but there was a shelf that had frozen above it and the ice hanging from it had formed into teardrop shapes instead of the typical spikes I was used to seeing.

As I walked, I neglected to see a patch of ice on the bank in front of me and stepped on it with my full weight. I slipped and slid fully into the creek, which was way deeper than I had anticipated. I was wearing a winter coat, jeans, and insulated boots, all of which became incredibly heavy when they got wet.

I was up to my armpits, trying desperately to stay afloat in freezing cold water and heavy clothes. My only thought was, "My mom is going to be so pissed."

Obviously I survived that incident. I pulled myself out, stumbled up the bank to a building that I thought was a YMCA and turned out to actually be a fire station. They called my mom, she came to get me, no harm, no foul and I was not in any trouble...although my entire family still mocks me and asks if I'd like to go for a swim every Christmas.

SheaRVA

It's always the preacher's kids...

I was 17. Drove my girlfriend home from school. We ended up in the shower together. Just as we turned off the water and she was stepping out, we hear her dad open the front door of the house. Of course my truck is in the driveway so he knows I'm there, but I'm nowhere else in the house obviously. My short life flashed before my eyes.

He came stomping down the hallway and banged on the bathroom door. My girlfriend, wrapped in a towel, answered the door and lied her ass off, "he's is down the street at [one of our friends house]. I told him I'd call when I was out of the shower." Meanwhile, I'm standing frozen and shriveled in the shower behind the curtain preparing to meet the here after.

Married that girl. Been together 26 years.

Edit: obligatory gold thanks! Lol. This blew up. I also replied to a few questions below.... Including how I got out of the predicament.

Also, my wife is a preacher's kid. Her dad was one of my two pastors growing up.. ...

TheSpanxxx

Not the pillows!

When I was 6, I spilled grape juice on the tan carpet in the living room. I put a pillow over it, laid on the pillow, and vowed that I would stay there the rest of my life so my parents would never find out. I lasted about 45 minutes. My mom was more upset that I got grape juice on the pillow, rather than the carpet.

warriorgramma

When I was 28 I spilled a gallon of house paint on my basement carpet. We put a rug over it. You had a solid plan.

Bouperbear

Good guy cop.

Getting pulled over by 3 police cars for doing 70 in a 45. My dad happened to call as I was talking with the officers. They asked to speak with him. After a few min they handed the phone back and said "you better go home, that is going to be worse than the ticket we are giving you" that was a whole lot of yelling at home.

NYankee1927

You only got a ticket for doing 70 in a 45?

wfamily

They didn't actually get a speed reading on me, it was only estimated.

NYankee1927

Kids used to play outside.

When I was about 8 my sister (10) and I used to play around the neighborhood with other kids, but we had to be home by 8pm or when the streetlights came on, whichever came first. We had a watch on and every evening my mum would make sure that we had one with us and it was working. One evening we were 20 minutes late, and it was the second time that week (if we were late twice in a week we weren't allowed to go out the rest of the week). My sister and I were talking by the back garden gate making up excuses why we were late and making sure we were both on the same page in case she questioned us. We opened the gate to go inside and my mum was standing on the other side of the gate, arms folded. That was a life flashed before my eyes moment.

WrackspurtsNargles

A friend and I did this upon sneaking back in to the house. We thought we made it- slid in through the dark house without waking the dog, eased my normally cranky bedroom door opened. We both slipped in, latched it quietly and turned on the light, saying "f*ck yeah, we did it!".

My mom was sitting on my bed.

berthejew

Granny wasn't playing games.

So we live in a two story colonial. My parents are away on vacation.

I'm in the yard and tossing a baseball up in the air and catching it, just a 9 year old entertaining myself. I think to myself, "hey let's loft it onto the first split level roof and then it'll roll off and I'll catch it!"

Second toss, CRASH, shatter sister's window.

Grandma was babysitting. Grandma reported. I was smoked.

cricket1918

Your grandma snitched on you?

NotYourLocalPolice

She sang like a canary.

cricket1918

"Never go against the family" Time to call a hit on your grandma.

NotYourLocalPolice

She's the Italian one. I'd have to go to her to place the hit.

cricket1918

Things People Discovered After A First Date That Were A Total Deal-breaker

Reddit user tjeast asked: 'What did you find out after a first date that was a deal-breaker?'

Woman cringing
Photo by OSPAN ALI on Unsplash

As much as we would love to be able to date one person, for that to be the right person for us, and for the two of us to get on with our life together, we all know it's going to take at least a few tries to find the perfect match.

But some of these matches make us want to throw in the towel.

You've got to listen to your gut (and your eyes) when you sense a red flag.

Redditor tjeast asked:

"What did you find out after a first date that was a deal-breaker?"

Just... A Couple... Of Red Flags

"I found out that he had restraining orders against him from not one, but two exes. He also asked if he could move in with me on the first date."

- lalalabeeee

An Ex Collector

"On the surface, he was a lawyer with an Ivy League degree. Then just one layer deep, he had six kids with five different women."

"One of his exes hated him so much that she took their kids to Germany to get away from him."

"And the kicker (yes, more than the Germany ex)? His youngest was six months old and he was sleeping on his latest ex's couch."

- Banjo-Becky

Questionable Connections

"I met up for drinks with a woman, and she started telling me about how she thought I’d get along with her brother. After a couple of drinks, we ended up at the bar where her brother worked. He's a h**l of a guy."

"We kept playing hair metal on the jukebox and drinking beers. She went from saying I would get along with her brother to I remind her of her brother. The more she drank, the more she said it."

"We ended up making out, and she started repeating the s**t about her brother while trying to get something going with me."

"I made sure she got home safe, but that s**t creeped me out so much that I never spoke to her again."

- weeew87

Secret Babies

"Prior to our first date, he said he didn't have any kids."

"While he was driving me home after our first date, he mentioned that he hated letting his baby mama use his car because she always messed with the radio stations and that it took forever to get his seat adjusted back to how he liked it."

"I was just out of high school and wasn't looking to date anyone with kids. With how disrespectful he was during our date, finding out that he had a kid was an automatic deal breaker for me."

"He then kept calling and texting me and after I blocked his number he kept creating new social media accounts to get a hold of me because he wanted to go for a second date and kept bringing up that he was making good money so I'd be an idiot to say no to him."

- 2baverage

Specific Looks Wanted

"My date kept trying to braid my hair, lol (laughing out loud). At first, it seemed weird, but not like a deal-breaker, but then he KEPT asking."

"The first time he asked, we were walking through the park, and I was telling a story, but he interrupted me, asking, 'Can I please braid your hair?'"

"I laughed, politely said no, and continued talking, but he kept interrupting, asking to braid my hair."

"I asked why, but all he said was, 'I just want to braid it,' and kept reaching for my head. I swatted his hand away a few times, and when that didn't work, I told him I was ready to go home."

"It was so creepy!"

- TheDahliaXO

Her Body, Not His Plans

"He told me that he couldn’t wait to have kids with me and that he had picked out our kids’ names."

"When I told him that this was our first date and that I wasn’t sure about kids and that this was a super creepy thing to say to me, he insisted it was my duty as a woman and that it would make me very happy."

"Yeah, there was no second date."

- NymeriasWrath

Just Practicing for Thanksgiving!

"He was a felon. He had a really unbelievable story about being locked out of his ex’s house and he broke in while JUST HAPPENING to be holding a rifle from Turkey hunting. Terrifying."

- _lmmk_

Very Different Interests

"She got off on watching the guys she was with get in fights. She gave some dude the come-f**k-me eyes and then expected me to brawl when he came up to hit on her. F**k no, girl, maybe you can catch a ride home with him."

- discussatron

No Third Wheels

"Her other guy showed up in the middle of our date. She said, 'Can I talk with him for a minute?'"

"I said, 'Sure,' and then walked out the door and never looked back."

- New2ThisThrowaway

Not a Good Morning

"She was married. We met at a bar and left together. We went and had dinner, saw a movie, and she spent the night."

"The next morning she said, 'I wonder if my husband figured out I didn’t come home.'"

"Then she asked me for a ride to work, and I got a ticket because she didn’t wear her seatbelt."

- PM_ME_THEM_TACOS_GURL

Totally Wrong

​"He asked me to pay for his court fees, that was my turn-off, so I wanted to leave to end the date."

"I said my goodbyes, and then he threatened to tell the whole restaurant I was having an affair and cheated on him if I left."

"I stayed in fear of embarrassment."

"Later, I excused myself to the restroom where I made my escape to the door. He saw me from the window."

"I saw him coming out, so I ran a bit, and when I looked back, he was chasing me. (I got away, but wow.)"

- Ok-Ambassador-8982

Supporting the Arts

"He was a really bad magician. He brought cards and everything, but he couldn’t land a trick."

"I felt bad and took him up on a second date, but that was it."

- Durdengrl322

Financial Investments

"He lost a pile of money in crypto and NFTs. But he still tried to convince me to get my money into it."

- hanginwithyuka

"Some people cannot be saved from themselves."

- Creative_Recover

Unrealized Love

"I think she was in love with her best friend and didn't realize it."

"She told me she and her long-time best friend she called her 'wifey' lived together in a single room with the friend's baby. She said that this friend always comes first and they're inseparable. They also have gotten kicked out like three times from house to house."

"She left the date early because whoever they were renting from was threatening to kick them out."

"We never really talked again but I wanted to tell her she shouldn't be dating because she's already in a relationship."

- PupEDog

We've all heard of first date fails, terrible dates in general, and big relationship deal-breakers, but just the same, we can completely understand how these were such major deal-breakers.

From lying about their real life to trying to involve us in something we're not interested in, there are some people who are simply not meant for us because their lives are just too different from ours. And that's okay!

Man wearing pink shirt and sitting with legs crossed inside an art gallery.
Ryan Spencer/Unsplash

One of the lamest ways to insult someone is by describing their behavior as being gay.

The attempt at emasculating a perceived straight heterosexual male by comparing his actions to something that a homosexual male might do is a common form of mockery by alpha males.

Examples include mocking a guy who gets manicures, wears pink, or sits with his legs crossed. "Gay, gay gay," says the immature antagonizer.

Typically, the ribbing occurs between friends and is not prompted by verbal attacks.

Still, this casual form of bullying can be tiresome and only perpetuates misconceptions and stereotypes that can be harmful to the LGBTQ+ community.

Strangers online shared their experiences being targeted when Redditor Spagoobli0 asked:

"What is the dumbest thing people called you gay for?"

Apparently, maintaining good hygiene is so gay.

Being Clean

"i was called gay for showering daily."

– ilive4manass

"with other men?"

– intheken

Scrubbing The Backside

"I was told it was gay to wash my a**. The guy was recently evicted for defecating on his own floor for 6 months and not paying taxes."

– my-recent-throwaway

Pro-Tip

"In boot camp we shower with other dudes. I had someone call me gay in the shower for washing my a**. As if the only reason for washing my a** is to make it presentable for someone else. Nah, dude, I just don’t want skid marks in the tighty whities they make us wear."

"It’s not even like I was doing it weird. Like if I was bent over spreading my cheeks so everyone could see my brown eye, that would be one thing. But I literally just took a handful of suds and ran it down the crack a couple times because, pro tip to my fellow dudes; the water running down your back is not enough to clean the part of you that poop comes out of."

– Morningxafter

Lotion Up

"I once had a friend of mine stop by before we were going to meet some people for brunch. I had just taken a shower and gotten dressed when he walked in the front door (I always had a just walk in policy, suburban life). I have pretty dry skin so I was putting on a bit of moisturizing lotion. First words out of his mouth were 'moisturizing? That’s pretty gay isn’t it?' I said 'If feeling like I don’t want to scrape my skin off is gay, whip out the d*cks!'”

– bg-j38

Keeping up with appearances is hard enough.

The Damaging Effects

"'Gay' was the first 'dis' I ever heard, I had no idea what it meant for like a year. I just knew it was the worst thing to be. My whole generation struggled with that and I really feel for the people who had to come out to friends and family when I was young, it must have been really tough. I came out as bi about 6 or 7 years ago and that was pretty brutal, and the only reason I came out was because something happened that made it clear I was. Tbh it was f'king humiliating and awful at the time, it really f'ked with my head and my self worth. I am totally, 100% ok with it now, in fact I'm kind of proud I have the balls to tell people I'm bi now. It's become who I am and I'm ok with it.

"Just to be clear I've never had an issue with anybody being gay, at all. It's just for me it was a really difficult thing to deal with. Extremely personal. A lifetime of unconsciously being told gay was 'bad' has an effect on me, I wish it didn't but the truth is it did. I have mad respect for all openly gay and trans people."

– NitroD*ckclapp

Revealing Color Choice

"Had a guy genuinely ask if I was gay because I was wearing a red pair of Vans."

– LemonMan589

"Maybe he was cruising."

– InverseRatio

List Of Indicators

"I was a child in the 80s. Calling people gay was standard derogatory talk for checks notes literally everything. Bad play in sport, choice of clothes, hobby, etc."

– f_ranz1224

The Hopscotcher

"I was called gay for about 6 months in middle school for jumping down a hopscotch thing as I walked past it after lunch."

– Sado_Hedonist

What happens in the bedroom...

Going Down

"Like giving oral sex to my wife. Will never understand that."

– Beenthere-doneit55

"Fellas, is it gay to go down on a woman?"

– raveturned

"I view it selfishly. It combines the two two things I love the most, eating and having sex. If that makes me gay, so be it."

– Beenthere–doneit55

Flawed Logic

"They think if you'll do down on your wife you'll go down on a guy?"

"How would the two even translate??"

– WillieOverall

Even before I came out to my friends as gay, being called anti-gay slurs–even in jest–only suppressed my inclination to want to share my truth.

One of the things I've been mocked for during high school pre-coming out was my love for Disney.

The girls had no problem sharing my passion, but the jocks made fun of me for wearing a Mickey Mouse T-shirt to school, saying I was a "sissy boy" for liking Disney and that only "f*ggots" liked Disney.

Now, I know plenty of demographics–gay and straight, all ethnicities–that universally appreciate Disney. But I have to say, good on them for being accurate in knowing who I was before I did: a proud f*ggot who loves Disney.

four friends walking arm in arm
Photo by Helena Lopes on Unsplash

All of us have surprising or unusual things people do that turn us on.

These can be simple things, like washing dishes, reaching for something on a high shelf, or pouring a drink which, whether it's the person doing it or the act itself, turns out to be surprisingly sexy.

Rather more interesting, however, are the things people do that draw us to them that aren't remotely sexy at all, but in fact completely wholesome.

Even so, seeing people do these things, or behave in this manner still has the same power to make us fall completely weak at the knees and melt our hearts.

Redditor levoyageursansbagage was curious to hear all of the innocent things that people find utterly alluring, leading them to ask:

"What is the most wholesome behavior you find really attractive?"

Excitement Can Be Infectious

"When people get really excited over something they enjoy."- BoiledCabbage

"Being genuinely excited about something."

"I love me a nerd."- Howdydobe

Loving All Living Things

"It was really hot and little rain for a couple of weeks and we have backyard critters roaming around typical of the suburbs."

"So my wife puts a big Tupperware bowl of water out that she changes daily in case an animal gets thirsty."

"I was looking at it one day and a stick had fallen in the bowl so I went to remove it."

"My wife yells at me, 'No! Don't take the stick out, that's so bees can crawl out if they fall in'."

"I thought it was adorable."- yakfsh1

Honey Bee Loop GIF by Kev LaveryGiphy

Truly Unforgettable

"When someone remembers a really random small detail I’ve only mentioned once."- Starriyer

Compassion Over Convenience

"Doing the right thing even when it’s inconvenient."

"I was on a date and he took a call from a friend in crisis."

"They worked the problem out and he said 'I love you' to his friend (who said it back)."

"He explained he needed to take the call and apologized that it happened during the date."

"No apology necessary!"

"He demonstrated loyalty and vulnerability and it was incredibly sexy."

"Even better that it’s just who he is; none of it was for show."- Hiberniae

"When someone helps old people."

"Maybe getting up to give their seat to them in a public bus or in general, helping them carry their heavy bags, or something."- itsMat_hi_ka

"When a person knows the right time to simply listen to someone in distress and the right time to offer advice."- Old_Army90

Giphy

The Greatest Love Of All...

"My husband will run around playing games with our son in the playground and will fully commit to whatever game that is.'

"There's no standing around talking to the adults, he will get fully involved in the make-believe world."

"10/10, fully present parenting."- Ambivertigo

The Gift Of Laughter

"People that make themselves crack up."

"People with their particular and weird little sense of humor that unashamedly laugh at what they think is so funny."

"Extra points if they’re laughing because of a joke they’re telling themselves."

"It’s my favorite thing to see someone do."

"As long as the joke doesn’t seriously hurt other people."

"I love good dark humor."

"If someone’s genuinely trying to be hateful, it loses appeal completely."- tresjoliesuzanne

"When I'm with my wife at a restaurant and the baby in the next booth is staring at her, she will wave to the baby and make funny faces to get the kid to smile/giggle."

"That."- SadConsequence8476

happy baby lol GIF by TheMacnabsGiphy

Heal The World...

"I went backpacking with my boyfriend for the first time recently and I noticed that anytime we came across a little piece of trash on the trail, he would pick it up and put it in his pocket to throw away properly at the first opportunity."

"It just highlighted to me that he was conscientious and kind even when it came to things a lot of people would overlook, and I found that incredibly attractive."- snickerdoodle--

Happiness Comes In Many Forms

"Seeing a man be genuinely happy for someone else, I recently discovered this about myself."- West_Cherry3944

Literal Food For Thought

"A friend of mine has this habit of making sure that everyone around her has eaten on time."

"'A well fed tummy makes the brain think properly'."

"That's her exact words."- in_out_in_out_·

Food Cooking GIF by MasterChefAUGiphy

No One Should Take Themselves Too Seriously

"Silliness, the sillier the hotter."- Fearless-Finish9724·

The Epitome Of Selfless

"My husband grew up extremely poor."

"Not homeless but close."

"Whenever we're out and we see someone asking for food, he will quietly walk over and take them to whatever restaurant they want."

"He will then order them whatever they want."

"When we met, he was in grad school and had no money."

"He still did this."

"It made me swoon."- curryp4n

Reading these heartwarming and touching affirmations, it does give one pause that kindness and compassion are considered so unusual.

Even so, no doubt that's what makes selfless, and kind-hearted people so attractive.


Divorce Lawyers Reveal The Nastiest Ways Marriages Ended
Photo by Eric Ward on Unsplash

With so many couples walking up the aisle—and then sprinting to the courthouse—there’s no shortage of wacky divorce stories. No one knows that better than these divorce lawyers. From hidden fortunes to stuffed animal collections, divorce lawyers have seen it all. Attorney-client privilege or not, these stories are just too insane not to share…

Ashes To Ashes

round grey stainless steel saucer on brown wooden surfacePhoto by Brooks Rice on Unsplash

I had a husband and wife go toe-to-toe over an ashtray they got in Las Vegas. The couple spent nearly $5,000 for me and another attorney to duke it out in court over the silly trinket. Prior to proceeding, I explained that it would be cheaper to fly me to Vegas and get an identical ashtray. The husband said he didn't care about the costs—and his reasons were deeply malicious.

It turns out that the husband had other intentions for their marriage memorabilia. When he won, he smashed the ashtray on the steps of the courthouse. He laughed and said the look on his wife’s face was worth much more than $2,500. People get crazy in divorce proceedings.

F-DEVICE

Until The Grave Do Us Part

I wouldn't recommend it, but one of the best ways to stick it to your ex is to kick the can during a messy divorce. In my client's case, the court had orally declared a couple to be divorced. Sadly, before they could finalize the official paperwork, the husband went to his grave. The courts spent two years figuring out how to proceed and made a divisive decision…

The court decided that the wife had to divide everything 50/50 with her deceased husband. And to think, if he had passed two weeks sooner, she would have avoided years of court hearings, thousands in fees, and kept everything for herself.

Pandorac

I’ll Never Let You Go…To The Marriott Hotel

My aunt has been divorced for quite some time, but you wouldn’t know it. She’s still driving her attorney crazy with her requests. Most recently, she took her ex-husband to court. Her motive was ridiculous. She wanted to know where he was working and when, all so that she could have her private investigator keep an eye on him and his new girlfriend.

She should have just let it go…she got the house, the kids, the boat, and even the Marriott International points.

ProfessorMMcGonagall

“X” Marks The Spot…

I worked a divorce case that went to trial. The parties owned a business together, which they started during the marriage and which was their sole source of income. Obviously, the biggest issue was who was going to keep the business. While the divorce proceeded, the General Magistrate ordered my client to keep running the business and to pay the wife temporary alimony. If only it had ended then.

At trial, we went in front of a judge instead of the General Magistrate. This judge was older with poor memory and was fairly new to family law. She ended up giving the wife the business and ordering my client to pay the wife alimony! How is someone supposed to pay alimony if you take away their only source of income for the last 10 years?

I filed a motion for rehearing but the judge denied it. As if that was bad enough, do you want to know the cherry on top of this triple-layered divorce cake? The judge awarded my client his home that he had inherited from his grandmother. The wife had been living in there during the divorce proceedings, and the judge gave her 30 days to move out.

Well, she stayed until the last possible day. When my client went back to the home, the wife had completely destroyed the inside. She took a screw driver and scratched an “X” on the surface of all of the furniture and the walls. My client ended up leaving the country.

Ctheblahblah

I’m Giving You The Cold Shoulder

I once represented one party in a divorce. While the divorce proceedings were on-going, the couple still lived together pending the sale of their family home. But just because they lived together did not mean that they were on speaking terms. In fact, they would not speak to one another for any reason whatsoever. Things were so bad that I even had to negotiate terms for sharing refrigerator space.

Permalink

Don’t Be A Baby, Baby

white and brown bear plush toysPhoto by MChe Lee on Unsplash

The court ordered this couple, who had been divorced for four months, to divide up their Beanie Baby Collection, valued somewhere between $2,500 and $5000…and they were seemingly unable to do so by themselves. The couple spread out the collection on the floor and divided up one by one under the supervision of a Family Court Judge.

Jux_

The Couple That Divorces Together, Stays Together

I worked as a courtroom clerk when I was in college. A couple filing for divorce were arguing over custody of their son. I thought it would be the normal "I won’t let you see him,” and name-calling nonsense, but I was in for a surprise. The mom wanted the dad to spend more time during the holidays together—all three of them. But the dad had demands of his own…

The dad in this strange divorce proceeding wanted the same thing as his maybe-ex-wife. He also wanted the family to spend more time together…just more frequently. The couple ended up reconciling and agreed to couples’ therapy before the divorce procedure went further. They came back a month later to withdraw the divorce proceeding. All is well that ends well.

seimungbing

Cleaning House

My friend is a divorce lawyer. They had a client whose former spouse brutally attacked them. Apparently, the former spouse blamed the divorce attorney for “taking him to the cleaners” in the divorce. The worst part is that the lawyer was at the grocery store doing his weekly food shopping with his wife and kids during the attack.

AJAMG

The Honeymoon That Never Ends

I represented the husband in a divorce. During the proceedings, we tried to get the court to eliminate his spousal support obligations. His wife, however, insisted that she needed the support…and wait until you hear why. The whole process took way longer than it should have because his wife was taking vacations to Mexico at least once every month.

asoiahats

The Wedding Photographer

I represented the husband in a divorce. On the day of the trial, opposing counsel presented shocking evidence. The wife’s attorneys produced photographs that they claimed proved adultery. The photos were of my client, the husband, wearing lingerie and a long brown wig, engaging in act of intimacy with another man. I was able to successfully exclude this from evidence...because the wife was the photographer.

KrisCMS

And…The Honeymoon Is Over

woman signing on white printer paper beside woman about to touch the documentsPhoto by Gabrielle Henderson on Unsplash

I worked for a law firm while in college. We had a client who had just come home from a two-week vacation with his wife. But she wasn’t going to be his wife for much longer. As soon as they pulled into the driveway, his wife’s lawyers served him with divorce papers and a temporary restraining order. His wife didn't say a word and just went into their house.

The poor guy came straight to our office and was massively confused. What happened on that vacation?

MissSara13

Please Play Nice

My first trial. My client’s husband was suing her for divorce. Her soon-to-be ex-husband was alleging habitual cruelty and inhumane treatment. When I heard what he had to say, my jaw-dropped. I had to agree with him. Her husband was claiming that she had grabbed him in a sensitive area really, really hard and hurt him on purpose.

What’s more, I had to cross examine him about it. Awkward.

Permalink

Call Me, Maybe?

I had a client whose soon-to-be-ex-husband used her email address and phone number to sign her up for every bank, loan, religious, mental illness, and adult site he could think of. These companies bombarded her about their products and services. He even put out her information on Craigslist. The joke was on him though…she actually went out with a guy who contacted her!

dirtydlf

Grab Your Pitchforks…

I’ve been a divorce lawyer for more than 20 years, so I've seen it all. I once represented a husband divorcing his wife of over 35 years. At mediation, they divided up about a half million in assets within 30 minutes—and then things went south. They spent the next two and half hours fighting over a couple of hurricane glasses from Pat O'Brien's and a pitchfork.

$1,000 in attorney fees later, they settled…and then got remarried anyway.

LazyMFTX

40 Acres And A Whole Lot Of Revenge

I knew a wealthy land owner who went to some extreme lengths to get even after a divorce. He lost his home to his ex-wife in the divorce proceedings but kept his trump card. He was able to keep the rest of the undeveloped neighborhood land and turned it into an industrial park. In other words, he surrounded his ex-wife’s huge house with a ton of factories.

king-hippo77

Run Away Wife

man in red and white checkered dress shirt wearing black fedora hatPhoto by Andres Siimon on Unsplash

My uncle is a divorce lawyer, but not a very good one. He represented a couple who had recently started getting into some problems. The wife had had enough of married life and just left one night. Her husband was through with her since she left, and went to my uncle for a divorce. My uncle agreed but he kept delaying because he had plans of his own.

While my uncle stalled the husband, he came up with an ingenious plan. He did what he knew was in everyone’s best interest. My uncle hired a private investigator to search for the missing wife. Fortunately, he eventually found her and talked her into going back to her husband. Things worked out in the end…but my uncle might be the worst divorce lawyer in the country.

Levelis

Sharing Marriages Makes For Caring Marriages

How much time do you have? Over the course of my career, I’ve seen nearly a dozen wife-swaps. And it’s just as weird as it sounds. Usually, the husband will cheat on his wife with his friend’s wife. This causes a divorce for both parties, and their respective spouses (wife of first party and husband of second) end up getting together. Happens quite often for whatever reason.

rainemaker

Divorce, The Family Game

I saw a mother and father live together during a divorce and fight over the location of their children’s Xbox and Wii. At first, the gaming consoles were in the family living room. The father then put the consoles in his bedroom so that the children would spend all of their time in his bedroom. The mother literally went to court to have the Xbox and Wii returned to the living room. They spent thousands on this.

odgunz

Debarred And Divorced

I'm not a lawyer, but I’ve got a story about one. There was a case in which a man found out that his wife was having an affair. Heartbroken, the man found a divorce lawyer. In court, the husband learned a brutal truth. His lawyer was the man his wife was having the affair with. Of course, the lawyer got his license taken away after that.

cgKush

Off To Sunny Mexico

I’m a family law paralegal. We had a client whose husband had taken her kids on an unscheduled bus trip to Mexico. We expedited everything. I went above and beyond for this woman—even contacting attorneys in the deep south of Mexico and writing out very clear instructions to get back her kids. As it turns out, our client was no victim.

This woman had physically accosted her husband because he confronted her about sleeping with his brother. Now you see why the husband packed up and took the kids.

Bey5ever

The Most Expensive Therapy Ever

potato chips in bowlPhoto by Emiliano Vittoriosi on Unsplash

My client (the husband) was living in the same house as his wife throughout the divorce proceedings. He'd call me and complain about things like: his wife ate a bag of chips and didn't replace it, she invited one of her friends over who he disliked, she binged watched TV instead of fixing dinner, etc., etc. He paid me $250/hour for the privilege of venting over the phone to an attorney.

Cheezmergency

Why So Salty?

One of my father's friends tried to “salt the earth” before getting divorced. He transferred the deeds to a rental house and a cabin to relatives and sold the family cars to relatives for tiny sums…and he was just getting started. He put stocks in a trust “for the children” and vanished a chunk of cash from the company he co-owned with his wife.

He even stopped paying himself a salary, electing to burn through their personal savings for over a year instead. Well, he might have salted the earth but he was in for just desserts. When the divorce proceedings went to court, he learned that judges really, really hate it when you try to play dirty games. Turns out that hiding or intentionally diminishing assets is actually not a good idea.

In fact, judges will absolutely refer you to prosecutors. I don't think that he spent time behind bars, but his ex-wife did get everything, plus the satisfaction of firing him from his own company.

technos

Let’s Break Up The Bank

A friend of mine is a divorce lawyer. His favorite story is the time that the husband in a bitter divorce said that he would “out-lawyer” his wife and break the bank before giving her anything she wanted. He said this in front of my friend, her lawyer. My friend looks at the wife and says, "I'm working for you pro bono (free) from this moment forward."

WhiteRabbit86

Think About The Children

I took a domestic relations class run by a retired judge who told us a few good stories. My favorite was a story where both parties in a divorce were acting unreasonably and not thinking of the kids. In the end, the judge awarded the house to the kids who would live there permanently while the parents—who had joint custody—would take turns living there.

The best thing was that neither party could afford to buy an additional place, so they had to rent a small flat together and also share that.

Rwhite_93

Oh, Brother!

I had a case in where husband found some incriminating texts on his wife's phone. He suspected that she was cheating on him with some guy. What’s more is that he also got the impression that his sister-in-law (his brother’s wife) might be in on it in some way. He and his brother end up hiring a private investigator to tail both of their wives to get to the truth. But the truth can hurt…

The brothers essentially confirmed that both women were seeing other people. My client’s sister in-law admitted to carrying on an affair. His brother attempted to reconcile but eventually filed for divorce. My client’s wife admitted that she was looking for an affair but only "met for some kisses" and she "touched him a little bit.” He filed for divorce anyway.

Stubbula

To The Clink!

boy sitting while covering his facePhoto by Ksenia Makagonova on Unsplash

My dad is a retired lawyer and he got this story from a judge. A man and a woman went through an unhappy divorce, and their poor kids got stuck in the middle. The wife got custody and the man got visitation rights but, apparently, that wasn’t good enough for her. She made parental alienation her goal in life. So, her ex-husband took her to court over this and she actually ended up behind bars for contempt more than once.

The judge who told this story to my dad finally told the man, "I can throw her back in prison as many times as you want, but there's no winner in this."

lefschetz

I Want The News, Not The Weather…

I used to work for a judge when two prominent local news personalities were getting a divorce. They filed for mutual restraining orders against each other for an unspecified use of force. The filings were vague on details but still managed to convey a sense of savage levels of blood. When the time came for the hearing, it turned out that the use of force they were referring to was spitting.

Specifically, during a heated argument, flecks of spittle managed to touch the other party. The judge denied the restraining orders, and both parties' attorneys probably bought new yachts. Such is justice in a divorce.

gnujack

That’s Not My Name

This is the story of a potentially thwarted divorce case. A man and his fiancée were buying a house together. They got to the paper where you sign off on all your aliases. In a Mr. & Mrs. Smith-worthy turn of events, the woman had a full-page's worth of former names. The guy asked, "What is this?" The woman's response made his blood run cold.

She nonchalantly replied, "Oh, I've been married five times before." The guy got up and walked out. Crisis averted.

-Dee-Dee

“Extra! Extra! Read All About It!”

I was a secretary for an attorney. Divorce can be pretty depressing but it can also be a real laugh. I think that the most entertaining divorce story was when a guy had to get creative in divorcing his wife. He had to have the divorce papers sent to her the newspaper because she wouldn't leave the house or answer the door for the process server.

Eensquatch

And Your Little Dog Too…

My friend’s firm handled the divorce of an extremely rich man who claimed his wife was cheating on him. The lawyer proceeded to ask him about his assets and what he wanted to keep. The man said that his wife could have the house, the car, the boat, the kids, etc. Given that he seemed willing to give up everything, the lawyer asked him what he wanted to keep. Not even Cruella de Ville would have asked for this.

After the man’s lawyer asked him what he wanted to keep in the divorce, the man angrily responded, "My wife only loves her dog. I want her to suffer so I want the court to order that the dog be taken away from her and cremated. She can have 50% of the ashes and I'll have the other 50%." What would have happened if his wife only loved their kids?

akasakasan

Micro Aggressions

woman in black jacket standing beside green plantPhoto by Karsten Winegeart on Unsplash

I represented a woman who was convinced that her husband was the real-world equivalent of Lex Luthor or something. She claimed that he had implanted micro-robots in her brain and was trying to control her. She would bring us all of this nanotechnology and try to convince us that it was possible. She dragged the case out for four years. We almost had to get a conservator for her estate.

porntoomuch

I’m A Professional

My first divorce case was the most memorable. My client was a nice looking, 50ish waitress who was breaking hearts at the local small-town cafe. She was on divorce number five. I had a little lawyer kit of things she should do such as clean out the joint accounts, change the car title, etc. To my surprise, she had done all of them…plus a few things I hadn’t thought of.

“Husband No.5” came into my office to cry and concede everything. Now that was a guy who needed a lawyer with a list. Suffice to say, our client got everything she was, or might have been, entitled to plus a little more.

AnathemaMaranatha

Roomies!

I was a family law attorney for years. It was nasty all the time, which is why I finally switched to a different area. But not before this crazy couple…I worked a divorce where the ex-couple lived together after their divorce. It wasn’t for love. It was just pure and simple spite. Neither wanted to move. I believe they still live together.

Silly_Willy

Leaving The Nest

I once interned for a small family firm and had some really odd stories. This attractive lady relocated from Florida to the mountains of Virginia with her husband to restart their relationship. Unfortunately, they were moving in with her parents and had not found a new place to live yet. Well, the move didn’t help and they ended up seeking a divorce.

He ended up kicking the woman out of the house. Yeah, you read that correctly, he kicked her out of her parents’ house.

thotnumber1

Failed Marriages And Flat Tires

This wasn’t my case, but I overheard it in divorce court once. While separated, a guy went around to his wife's house and took revenge on her car. Apparently, in an act of brazen post-marital rage, he slashed her tires. And if you were thinking about calling the authorities, you’ll have no luck there. He was a law enforcement officer. That’s just crazy.

malachi410

The Defenestration Separation

beige 2-story housePhoto by Jessica Furtney on Unsplash

I would never disclose a client's details because, you know, confidentiality. But I did have a mediation professor who told me this gem of a divorce story. She was mediating a divorce and the couple was so close to making a settlement. Until it all went out the window…literally. You see, this couple had purchased a lovely Victorian home together.

The husband, while unemployed, had painstakingly restored all of the old windows. Restoring the windows was a very time-consuming and labor-intensive task. Fast-forward to division of assets: The couple agreed to split the sale of the house equally, but he demanded a larger share because of the value of the windows. She said she should have that money, because she was supporting them at the time.

He returned that she could keep the entire house, but he was getting those windows. Then she said, “You can shove those windows up your...” Well, anyway, you get the idea. They went back and forth while my poor professor tried to mediate them into a neutral position.

petit_cochon

That’s Just Pea…NUTS!

I worked a divorce case that was frustrating enough to make anyone pluck out their eyelashes. It took the couple two hours to decide who would get the groceries left in the fridge. The estimated value of the groceries was around $40. Two hours of my time, opposing counsel’s time, and mediator time added up to about $1,000. It all came down to an oversized jar of peanut butter.

All I could think of the whole time was, “Who keeps peanut butter in the fridge?!”

ammjh

The Hand That Feeds You…

I once had a case where the estranged wife just didn’t know what was good for her. She was calling my client's employer repeatedly, accusing him of theft and other white-collar crimes to try to get my client fired. The funny thing about it all was that she was also demanding child support…which was based on my client’s income. Income from the job from which she was trying to get him fired.

JournalofFailure

A Hairy Situation

My dad was a divorce lawyer. He had a client who wanted to divorce her husband for two very odd reasons. For one, she claimed that he did not have enough hair on his chest. And the second reason was that he did not drive fast enough. In all fairness, this was 1970s when chest hair was a bit more important. The speeding thing, that I can’t explain.

Bodhi_ZA

Fighting For Fido

I was in a mediation once where it took the couple an hour and a half to split their personal property, retirement accounts, real property, and custody of their six-month-old son. The rest of the day, about four hours, they spent arguing about how to split the time with the dog. For the kid they just said, "as agreed upon by the parties" but the dog had a strict schedule.

FattyBinz

Join The Mickey Mouse Club…Of Divorce

boy leaning on white chairPhoto by Chinh Le Duc on Unsplash

I was a clerk for a family court judge. Believe me when I say that the kids always suffer in a divorce. We had a woman go to extreme lengths to spite her ex-husband, even if it meant disappointing her daughter. She even tried to get an injunction to keep the father from taking their daughter on a trip to Disney World. Like it is whenever love ends, it was so sad.

clumseey

Reply All?

There are so many crazy divorce stories and they always bring out the absolute worst in couples. Like this one: A couple did their will with our firm. We drafted everything for them as they were an older couple; they had been married for 40 years total. The husband wanted us to put in his will that his kids get his entire estate, with one small caveat: He did not want us to tell his wife.

Instead, he wanted to have us make a secret will and a fake will. He had a whole plan. He would sign the fake will with her present, and then we would shred it. Then he would come in later to sign the "real will.” There was just one hitch in his Ocean’s Eleven scheme…he copied his wife on the email. Two weeks later, he called us and said he wanted to file for divorce.

PetiteChaos

Attorney On Demand

A previous client of ours was livid that his wife was cheating on him. She wanted a non-contested divorce and wanted to use my boss specifically because she knew he was a great lawyer. So, our client pretended to go along with her terms but contacted us literally two days before his wife and retained us. He said he didn't care how much money the retainer was going to be.

He just wanted my boss so his wife couldn't have him as a lawyer. He called and paid first, so he won that battle.

PetiteChaos

The Love Has Dried Up

My aunt was a divorce lawyer. She worked a case where the wife glued all of the outdoor hoses together so that her husband wouldn’t spend any more time washing his car. When the glue didn’t work, she just cut up the hoses instead. And when this woman’s husband bought new hoses, she finally filed for divorce. The only question I have is…”Was it a nice car?”

amazinglymorgan

Bear With Me

I used to clerk for a judge, and we had a week-long divorce trial between a couple. The husband was a wildlife photographer and the wife was a stay-at-home wife who “remodeled” the house. They had no kids. Anyway, one day the husband was photographing a grizzly bear but must have gotten a little too close and the bear mauled him.

He spent several months in the hospital and rehab. As if surviving a bear attack wasn’t enough, his wife had him served with divorce papers shortly after he got out of rehab. Of course, she wanted half of everything. The guy had lost an eye…what more could she possibly have taken?

Mehndeke

Plastics Are Forever

brown round bowl on white tablePhoto by Magic Bowls on Unsplash

Neither side would follow the court orders. When they had to go back to court, they were fighting over the husband’s grandmother's bowls. I assumed for weeks that these bowls were some sort of heirloom or expensive china. When they finally brought the bowls into the courtroom to swap them, I discovered that they were Tupperware. Who knew plastic was more precious than diamonds?

Carcharodons

Divorcing Scrooge

My client was the outrageous one in this story, and my heart went out to his poor wife. My client had OCD which manifested primarily in the family finances. He made their lives a penny-pinching nightmare. For example, he was obsessed with avoiding unnecessary driving, so he cut the whole family’s hair at home and never let them eat at a restaurant or go to the movies. That wasn’t even the strangest thing.

Weirdest of all, he kept one toilet paper roll on him at all times, and you had to get one square from him before you could go to the bathroom. He never gave more than one square. His wife finally got tired of him and left him when he gave her bangs during an in-home haircut. Even their daughter was so traumatized by the whole toilet paper thing they couldn’t potty train her.

Being such a miser, he viewed my whole job as a divorce attorney as an unnecessary expense.

Julietcaravello1

Shaking Like A Dog

My mom was a divorce lawyer. One specific story I remember was about a couple fighting for custody of their dog. The guy already lost custody of the children and then lost the case for custody of the dog. When the ex-wife’s mother came to pick up the dog, he told her that she could get him out of the freezer...Yes, that’s right, he froze the dog.

doggo24-7

The Frog That Hopped Away

I once worked an interesting—and very, very sad—divorce case. It’s not uncommon for parents to fight over custody in a divorce, but that’s not what happened this time…not at all. My client and their spouse had a son that they named Snoop Frog (I kid you not) and sadly, neither of them wanted custody. Honestly, it was nothing that a name change couldn’t fix.

6NippledCharlie

Not A Lucky Divorce

This woman won $1.3million in a lottery pool and filed for divorce 11 days later. She never mentioned her lottery winnings to her husband. She also did not disclose the proceeds during the divorce. She would have gotten away with it too, if it hadn't been for a letter that arrived at their former marital residence over two years after the divorce…

The letter was an offer to buy out her lottery annuity with a lump sum payment. The husband promptly lawyered up and the family court awarded 100% of the prize proceeds to him.

grumpyGrampus