Sex shops are fascinating not only for what they hold, but for who they attract. Visitors come from all walks of life - but of course, some are more memorable than others. Here, 18 sex shop employees share the craziest experience they've ever had with a customer.
1/18. One time an old lady came in looking for a big dildo. She asked me how much the red dildo on the wall was... I had to tell her that was the fire extinguisher.
2/18. We were open till midnight on the weekends and about fifteen minutes before closing this normal looking woman in a tracksuit comes in with a man on the end of a leash wearing nothing but a diaper. What shocked me more than anything was the dude had sandals with socks on. I told the couple they had to leave because pant were required in order to shop.
3/18. I went to a very tech-oriented university, and while there I worked at an upscale adult boutique. I was on register and was checking out a middle-aged guy and his wife. They had quite a few purchases so I was making small talk in the meantime, the guy said he had just returned from E3 (video game conference), and I asked some questions related to new games coming out at the time.
He eventually mentioned that he taught game programming at a nearby school, which narrowed it down to 3. I asked him if it was school A or B, the most likely guesses, and he told me it was school A (my school). I simply responded with "cool", but he asked where I attended school, so I told him. Awkward silence after that, the only thing I could think to ask was if they needed batteries for their vibrating nipple clamps (they usually take those annoying watch/disc batteries).
Had him for class about 6 weeks later, I got a pointed stare the first time he took roll, and I believe we came to a silent understanding in those few seconds.
4/18. Dude comes in drunk. We chat for a while and get talking about where he works. Then he grabs product and bolts. Except I knew where he worked. Probably a weird one for him when the popo showed up at his job for stealing dildos.
5/18. When I was nineteen I worked for about three weeks at a rental store that didn't just have a "back room" but a full on sex shop in back that was bigger than the front of the store. If you wanted to rent Dumbo for your kid and buy an assortment of cock rings for yourself we were your one stop shop. One time I had a guy come in to buy an electric vagina, about a $80 item. When I told him to have a nice evening he responded, very enthusiastically, "oh you bet I will."
Three hours later he came back. He wanted to return the electric vagina because the box was missing the lube that was supposed to come with it. Since I'd only been there for about a week and a half I didn't know how to do a return, so I had to use the inter-store phone to call the manager who was working the cash wrap in the front. She asked what was being returned and when I told her it was an electric vagina she said "okay the first thing you need to do is inspect it to make sure it hasn't been used."
"Umm, what?" socially awkward nineteen-year old me said.
"Yes, you have to inspect it to make sure it hasn't been used."
So I had to open up the rubber vagina and inspect it for wear and tear in front of the guy, who was giving me an "are you fucking kidding me?" look. Mercifully, it had not been used and I gave him his refund.
The worst part about it is that I was still a virgin at the time so that was my first close encounter with a vagina. I told this story to a couple of friends of mine too and became known to them as the "electric gynecologist" for a while.
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6/18. I was 19 and worked at this shack looking sex shop. Sketch central of town and if I didn't get free shit and paid to be there I wouldn't be. One evening I'm working with my buddy and I can here him talking to a familiar voice. It was a voice I tried recalling but all I could recall was that it was someone of influence to me. Well I automatically hide thinking it might be my dad and well... it wasn't. It was my youth pastor from church. We locked eyes, my stomach drops, he goes pale and noped the f*ck out.
7/18. A customer came in and she said she never had an orgasm and she was told that some women just never have an orgasm. She didn't buy anything besides condoms and then left. Two days later she comes back in with her boyfriend. The boyfriend is in a big huff yelling, "TELL HER THAT SOME WOMEN JUST DON'T HAVE ORGASMS!" As he was throwing stuff around the room and talking about how his manhood was being insulted and how he was gonna show everyone in the shop how big he is. After he finally left, he peed all over my girlfriend's car.
8/18. A woman came in who was very rough looking. I was watching her closely because I thought she might try to steal something. A guy came in and started talking to her. As they were talking, another person came in and asked me a few questions then bought something and left. I looked back over and saw that the guy and the rough looking woman were now having sex in the back corner of the store. I yelled at them and the guy took off and ran out of the store. The woman walked up to the counter, bare naked, and told me that she had met that guy on some phone chat line. She then asked if we had any "loaner" dildos. I told her no and that she needed to get dressed. She just walked out of the store completely naked.
9/18. An old gent came in and wanted to experiment with sex toys as he and his wife's sex life was somewhat dead. I spent a while going through options with him and he seemed happy with his purchases so that was that. A week later an oldish woman came into the shop on my day off to see me to say thank you because their sex life was now incredible. She actually burst into tears while talking to my colleagues because it had made such a difference.
10/18. I grew up in a teensy midwestern town, population of like 900 people. For many years, my mother managed a gas station in a town 20 miles east of my hometown.
For about five years, on Saturdays, the Methodist minister from our town would come to the store and buy two or three porn magazines. We were Lutheran, and my mom was shy and not social, so she had never met the Methodist minister. His visits occurred on a frequent basis until the day my mother had occasion to attend a funeral that happened to have been presided over by the Methodist minister. Their eyes met, and at about the same time she realized who she was looking at, his eyes widened in horror. He stopped coming to the store.
Ten or so years later, my mother transfers to a different location in the chain of stores she worked for, this one in the town 30 miles to the west of the town where we live. It was about the third Saturday after the transfer. The door chimes as it opens, and my mother looks up to greet whomever entered, and there stands the Methodist minister, who immediately recognizes her, freezes, turns on his heel and walks back out. Never saw him again.
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11/18. When I was younger, my mom worked for an Avon-like company that sold sex toys and lube. One day, my mom had to take my sister and I to one of the "parties" she was hosting at a woman's house. We got bored pretty quickly and started walking around the house while my mom explained various devices and products. I was creepily standing in the doorway to the room where the party was occurring, waiting for my mom to turn around so I could ask her if I could have some of the Rotel dip. I was probably 6-7 years old. One of the women sees me and goes bug eyed. My mom asks her what's wrong and she points at me. My mom turns around holding a 3 foot long double headed dildo and screams at me to leave. I did.
12/18. While not a sex toy shop, I did work for about 6 months at an automotive battery place that was right across the street from one. The number of people who would come in and say something to the effect of "Oh, CAR batteries!" then leave was hilarious at first, then just annoying.
13/18. Had video rental rooms with a $20 deposit. Use the Kleenex, don't urinate in the trash can, you'll get your deposit back.
Why we had the urination rule was bizarre to me.
Then I had to tell a guy he wasn't getting his deposit back.
14/18. I worked a porn movie and sex toy shack for about a year. There were promos for staff to try and sell higher end toys. If you sold a bunch you got a bonus.
We all had different sales tactics... there was one super fancy vibrator I was hyping up. I had one (in the package) at the counter with a note saying "husband replacement unit".
An old dad came in to get a stack of rentals. (thus dating how long ago this was). Pops looked at the sign, took the toy, and placed it on the floor. Arms on his sides looking down at it.
"Well, it doesn't cut the f*cking grass so I still have a job."
Rentals on the house for a month.
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15/18. One afternoon I was ringing up a line of customers in the main store.
There were about 4 people in line. The woman I was ringing up and 3 men behind her waiting. She was buying a vibrator. For obvious reasons the shop has a no return policy. Due to this rule we usually will place batteries in the toy and make sure it works before the customer leaves the store, so they know they are getting a working product.
I tell this particular customer that I am going to grab some batteries so we can test the toy for her, and I reach down below the counter to get the box of batteries.
When I stand back up I see her in the middle of dropping her pants and underwear right there on the spot. The 3 guys in line behind her are all staring in amazement. I'm like, "What the hell are you doing lady?"
I can see her looking confused for a moment before asking, "Didn't you say I should test it first?" It then suddenly hits her and she turns bright red before jerking up her pants and running out of the store.
The 3 men are now laughing. The next guy in line asks me, "Did that actually just happen?"
16/18. My buddy managed a sex shop and a guy brought back an inflatable love doll, wanted to return for exchange because he wore it out.
17/18. My ex-boyfriend worked the night shift at a chain sex store.
His best story was about a guy who had bought a vibrator the day prior, and came in the next day to complain that it was broken, and that they needed a replacement.
Since store policy is basically once it leaves the store, it's the customers problem, he told the guy that he couldn't do anything for him.
First the guy tried to say that it was sold to him broken, which my ex knew was bullshit because before a device leaves the store, it's tested at the counter to make sure it works (by tested I mean they put batteries in it and turn it on for a few to make sure it buzzes). So the guy admitted that he gave it a try and it worked for a few minutes until it shorted out.
Being a decent person, and also an idiot, he decided to try and figure out why the vibrator broke. So he checks the battery compartment first. Well, where you're supposed to put in two double-A batteries side by side, the guy had crammed a rectangle battery. Anyway. Since the battery was basically the same shape and size as the two double A's would be, it worked long enough for the guy to start having fun, but not finish, and so he insisted that my ex owed him an orgasm, cause it certainly wasn't the customers fault for cramming the wrong battery into the toy.
18/18. Not employee but customer.
I just turned 18 and went off to college in the big city. I go to the nearest local porn store because they have a huge XXX Arcade sign on the side.
I go in all excited to the back room to try out this XXX arcade.
It was not X-rated mortal combat or Zelda. I was so disappointed. My roommates made fun of me for weeks.
