Omar Lopez/Unsplash

Having EDS comes with a whole heaping helping of weird body stuff, but there are two that people typically notice about me and have dubbed my "useless super powers."

My nails grow long and fast and all of my joints are hypermobile so my pieces all squish and bend like Elastigirl.

Don't get excited, it's not fun.


The nails are great for giving people scratchies, but that's it. Their strength means that when they break, they tend to break across the nail bed and that's ... yeah that's a pain I wouldn't wish on many people.

Now let's talk "jellybones" because this is the one most people seem to think would be awesome.

"Neutral" resting position for my fingers, for example, is not a straight line like yours probably is. My joints all go just a bit too far so my fingertip ends up pointing up at about a 45 degree angle to my palm.

So what feels like pointing straight ahead actually end up pointing up towards the ceiling across the room.

With pressure, my fingers easily curl backwards like the hook of a candy cane. Heeeey look at me being festive with the facts!

It doesn't hurt. By the time my finger gives any resistance to being pushed, it's at a 90 degree angle backwards to my palm. That extension is the same for my shoulders, my elbows, my knees, and my hips.

Thing is, I'm not Elastigirl. Pain and joint mobility limits are there for a reason.

I'm not out fighting crime. I'm 4'9" with a spinal deformity and my legs don't stay in the hip socket; out here like a dollar store "Farbie" just trying my best to make it work.

The baddest villain I face daily is crushing capitalism and the collapse of the U.S.—and I'm pretty sure we're losing that one "bigly."

In the REAL world my useless powers mean that I, a writer and avid keyboard warrior nobly trying to slay the monster of internet ignorance, sometimes sprain my fingers cause my nail will get caught in the little gaps in between my keys.

It's super owwies and I would not survive in the wild.

Reddit user hssdelhi asked:

"What is the most pointless ability you possess?"

Truly, these are my people.

Grape Juggler

"I can Spit Juggle grapes."

"I put two grapes in my mouth, spit one above my head, then the other, catch the first, relaunch it, catch the second, relaunch it."

"I can keep this up indefinitely."

"I have not achieved three grapes yet. I am forty-four and this has been a lifetime in the making."

-LiterallyOuttoLunch

"Probably have to do the 3rd grape reload and launch while one is in the air which means you need decent height and good reaction timing to pull it off. I hope you get there one day."

-seanboxx

Giphy

Alphabet Wizard

"I can rearrange almost any word alphabetically forwards and backwards."

"Take the word "HUMAN" for example. I can rearrange it alphabetically forward "AHMNU" and backward "UNMHA" respectively."

"I regularly do so throughout the day with random words I come across."

"The only person that knows this weird thing is my wife and she routinely asks me to do it because it makes her laugh at my oddness."

-GeauxFarva

Giphy

Overwatch Concerts

"So, in the video game called Overwatch, there happens to be a map with a piano. And this piano happens to be functional: if you shoot at a specific key, the corresponding note will play."

"Great job devs."

"Well, I spend +200 hours playing the piano in the game, and I can play moonlight 3rd sonata."

"Yes, it's only 1 note at a time and a reduced speed, but still, I don't know anyone this dedicated to do something this useless."

-JJayxi

Giphy

Strange Sounds

"I can do this thing where I sing two notes at once."

"They don’t sound good with singing, but I make a pretty convincing 'choo choo' train sound."

-Existing_Thing_3353

"I can hum and whistle at the same time."

-PresidentGSO

"Of course I just had to try, and now the cats are all staring at me."

-an_imperfect_lady

Giphy

My Seven Year Old Self Was Right

"I can tell the time based on the position of the sun."

"When I was a kid I got in trouble for being unable to read an analogue clock face."

"I grew up in the 80s and digital watches were the thing. We had digital clocks in our classrooms, and TV had digital clocks as did the microwave, oven and car."

"I didn't see the point in reading an analogue clock, so I didn't learn. That made teachers concerned that I was stupid, and I had to go spend a day in the head teachers office telling him the time when he asked."

"So I went full blast the other way, and decided to learn different ways of telling the time, from clocks to sundials to the position of the sun. I can sort of do it from the North Star as well."

"But it's f*cking useless. Turns out my seven year old self was right."

"We all have digital clocks, if not on our wrists then in our pockets or on our screens."

- ASK_IF_IM_PENGUIN

Giphy

Seems useful

"I can stop hiccups on command."

"I can only stop my own. I haven't evolved to that stage of stopping others yet."

"My trick is to tell myself to keep going. Aggressively. Like a challenge."

"Like 'Do it again motherf***er I dare you!' "

"It works for me and I haven't hiccuped in months."

-Memeicity

Giphy

What Dreams May Come

"Sometimes I can control my dreams."

"Like I can wake up and if the dream was really good, I can sleep again and continue from where I left off. Here is how it all started:"

"I used to have dreams of me seeing an unknown person in my dream playing the character of my distant aunt. I knew it wasn't REALLY her and I always wanted to confront her in my dreams."

"I would imagine saying 'You aren't really her or look anyway like her!' but was constantly failing."

"One time I was dreaming and saw her again, but this time it clicked and I said it! She replied 'I know.' I was horrified and then woke up."

"I have a fear of heights and many of dreams involve scenarios built on great heights and falling, so I try to remind myself that it's just a dream and enjoy the fall."

- kawaljee

Giphy

Giraffe Yoga?

"I can pick my nose with my tongue"

-Excellent_Joke_8833

"Are you a giraffe?"

-erik316wttn

"Can you pick your nose, with you tongue, without opening your mouth?"

"That is my special ability! Apparently it's some sort of yoga practice called Khecarī mudrā."

- McTazzy

Giphy

Voice Verification

"I have an uncanny ability to identify voice over actors."

"It doesn't matter if it's a cartoon, car commercial, documentary narration … I’ll call it out almost immediately, even if they’re somewhat obscure."

"I SUCK at names and faces though."

-DebDestroyerTX

"YES! Me too,!"

"Faces and names mean nothing to me, but the sound of a voice is distinct and unique."

- pseudocultist

Giphy

Round of applause

"I can clap with one hand. Strange knuckles."

-flagpole111

"Ok, so am I the only person out here flailing around looking like I'm having the world's strangest seizure?"

-Fromanderson

Giphy

... I feel you, strange knuckle person.

Totally.

Now that Reddit is done, it's your turn for show and tell. Meet us in the comments and show us whatcha got!



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