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People Share The Most Hilarious Pick-Up Lines They've Ever Heard

People Share The Most Hilarious Pick-Up Lines They've Ever Heard
Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

Trying to make a love or lust connection isn't always an easy trick when you're face to face these days. Maybe that's why the online or app connections have exploded.

At least then when you crash and burn in your attempts there are no witnesses, just a screen. So your shame is hidden.

You always want to be suave and sexy in that first impression. You only get one introduction and chance so you want to make it count.

You want your words to be funny, charming, brilliant and hot. That is a whole lot to cover in one pick-up line. Can it be done?

Well, we're about to find out...

RedditorPMme_bobswanted to hear some of the best ways people tried to make a connection, they asked:

"What’s your best worst pickup line that would never get you laid but is hilarious?"

I always just said... "Hey you. Wanna do it?" It worked... a lot. I don't like to waste time. I get paid to be funny, so when it's free I cut to the chase.

***THE FOLLOWING IS A LITTLE SCANDALOUS!***

Low Interest

Hilary Duff Lol GIF by YoungerTVGiphy

"Are you a 0% APR car loan? Because you seem to have no interest and I don't understand how." ~ Ok_Coconut_1773

F5

"'Are you sitting on the F5 key cause that butt is refreshing.' I used it once and it caused a lot of confusion until I explained it and then he laughed a lot." ~ I-like-bagels15

"You just stole that from that Side-men tinder pick up lines video." ~ Witrom

"I’ve never seen that video actually lol. I googled “pick up lines” when I was 14 and that was the one that stuck. But I’m sure others have used it." ~ I-like-bagels15

Organs

"You remind me of my appendix. You give me this weird feeling inside and I want to take you out." ~ kingJoffi

"I had a woman I matched on tinder use the appendix line on me. I followed up with 'I'm pretty sure I am your appendix, I don't want to do anything useful, then burst inside you.'" ~ midget_rancher79

Hands Off

"Hey gorgeous, wanna go antiquing? Cause I’ve got some junk that hasn’t been touched in years." ~ LexSenthur

"I want to point out the cleverness of this comment and the post in general - probably won’t help you if you’re single, but if you’re married it might make your wife laugh enough to get you sex" ~ TheTinRam

US

Captain America Lol GIF by mtvGiphy

"I put the 'STD' in "stud" and now all I need is 'U.'" ~ ntruncata

Ok, that last one shouldn't be funny. But it really is. I snorted a bit. The others aren't bad either.

Ideal

Marvel Studios Reaction GIF by Disney+Giphy

"My ideal body weight is yours on mine." ~ starsinmysoup

You get an "A"

"Are you my homework? Cause I’m not doing you but I definitely should be." ~ LKAM22

"Related, I always liked to ask a dude if he'd help me with a math problem. If he says yes, I follow up with 'If a train leaves Portland going south at 80 mph & another leaves San Francisco going north at 90 mph, how long will it be before you take me to bed with you?' Usually gets a laugh." ~ OpossumJesusHasRisen

The Strangest 'Wrong Number' Stories | George Takei’s Oh Myyy

Before we all had caller ID, wrong numbers phone calls were commonplace. But now that almost everyone screens their calls, it's wrong number texts that have ...

Bear Talk

"Back in the day I gave a buddy a pick up line to use. 'How much does a polar bear weigh?' He said it to a girl nearby and she’s like 'Idk like 800 lbs?' And he responded, 'yeah that’s what I was thinking, around 1,000 lbs…' and proceeded to chat her up! smh." ~ AskmeaboutUpDoc

Lip Action

So Excited Reaction GIF by OriginalsGiphy

“'You have great hair can I touch it,' then touch her moustache.' ~ Unusual_Researcher_7

Mike?

"Cute thing looked at me and said 'Mike?' (which is not my name). My response was, 'No, but I'll change my name if you want.' She gave out a gut laugh and walked off. Months later she saw me again and started laughing the instant she saw me. I made an impression, just not the one I wanted I guess." ~ glm409

So Mitch...

"Hey girl, are you an obelisk? Because I'm trying to find out what an obelisk is through the process of elimination." ~ ImpracticallySharp

"Why did I just read this as if it were a Mitch Hedberg line?" ~ PigeonToesMcGee

"Obviously the basic structure of it is very Mitch, but it also has the quality of simultaneously sounding like both something a smart person would say and something a dumb person would say which is also somehow very Mitch." ~ Borkz

Bob

"My college room mate: Hi... you're cute! My name's Bob. How do you like me so far? Sadly he was serious." ~ anon04

"Interesting interesting. Which part would you say specifically, caused that?"

"Ahhhh I see. On a scale of 1-10 how enthused would you say you'd be to continue this conversation with 10 being very enthused, and 1 being not at all enthused?" ~ IHazMagics

Look it Up

Giphy

"'Hey I think we've met before. I've seen you in the dictionary next to the word wow!' This was one of my High School freshmen. He did not get her number." ~ Frankfusion

DAM!!

"Hey girl, are you a concrete arch-gravity embankment in the Black Canyon on the Colorado River, on the border of Nevada and Arizona, constructed between 1931 and 1936 during the Great Depression and dedicated on September 30, 1935 by President Franklin Delano Roosevelt? Because DAM!!" ~ walterpsherman

Perfect Timing

"I overheard a girl in a bar telling her friends goodbye. I simply leaned in and said, 'Don’t go.' It worked. It worked so well!" ~ PalmettoShark

"Timing and spontaneity is everything here. A few beats too late and you’ll seem creepy as f**k listening in on their conversation." ~ kyoorius

And tootpaste?

"This one technically did get me sex. I met a girl at a dance at 15 years old. I asked her to dance during a slow song, and during our small talk, I asked, 'so… what color is your toothbrush?' Just the dumbest most ridiculous question I could think of. Fast forward 8 years at our wedding, and my new wife asks during our first dance, 'so what color is your toothbrush?' I’ve never been so in love." ~ mitch3758

Electric Shock

the brave little toaster GIFGiphy

"Hey babe are u a toaster, cuz a bath with u would send straight to heaven." ~ hobbsy187

"My Tinder used to read: 'I like my men like I like my toasters: turned on and in the tub with me.' It either worked or it made them very uncomfortable (aka it worked)." ~ inSkrekption

Oh Gramps

"My husband recently bought a few pairs of overalls for working on the house/yard/car. I told him it reminds me of my grandpa, who wore only overalls unless he was going to church on Sundays. Now, when my husband puts his overalls on, I whisper seductively into his ear, 'Hey, Grandaddy. You got some hard candy in those pockets for me?' He does not find it sexy." ~ EngineeringQueen

The Climb

"Not mine, but witnessed a man sub 5 ft tall walk up to a 6ft plus tall woman, look her up and down and say 'I'm gonna climb you like a redwood tree.' Not that I had ever seen from him. The guy wasn't exactly smooth though, so I think it was more his delivery than the line itself. I feel like it could be solid line with better delivery." ~ Wallypog

Foolproof...

"Hey, if I asked you out on a date, would your answer be the same as your answer to this question? If they say yes, then that means they'd say yes if you asked them out. If they say no, that means they'd say yes if you asked them out. It's foolproof!" ~ TheFiredrake42

Y'all are scandalous and I'm living for it. I may try some of these.

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People Break Down The Biggest Bombshells Their Therapist Ever Dropped On Them

Reddit user anonymiss0018 asked: 'What is a little bombshell your therapist dropped in one of your sessions that completely changed your outlook?'

Therapist talking during session
Photo by Mark Williams on Unsplash

Some people stand firmly stand behind their beliefs that everyone would benefit from therapy and that therapy is life-changing.

It's because of the totally life-changing truth bombs their therapist had dropped during their sessions.

Curious, Redditor anonymiss0018 asked:

"What is a little bombshell your therapist dropped in one of your sessions that completely changed your outlook?"

Communication Issues

"'If you don’t have these problems with any other person in your life, why do you think you’re the problematic person in this one?'"

- maggiebear

"I love this. I have a 'friend' who I always seem to run into misunderstandings with. Every time we had a conversation, it somehow turned into a debate even if it was me talking about my day. The conversations were never easy."

"I always evaluate myself first and take into consideration his critiques. He was very good at convincing me that I was contradicting myself or wasn't good at communicating my thoughts."

"I NEVER had this issue with ANYONE else in my life. I kept trying to figure out where the miscommunication was coming from. In the end, I just minimized contact and now I don't run into this issue."

- chobani_yo

"I read this quote somewhere once (and probably have it a bit wrong): 'It's a waste of time arguing with someone who is determined to misunderstand you.'"

- Reddit

Emotional Regulation

"'You can’t control your emotions, but you can control what you do with them.'"

"At the time, I was a young adult who had learned zero healthy emotional regulation skills (only suppression and shaming) growing up, so this blew my mind."

- lil_mermaid

Tough Relationships

"'It sounds to me like you are trying to convince yourself to stay with your girlfriend. I'm not so sure it should be so difficult.'"

"At the time he said this, I remember it was like he said, 'The earth is flat.' I thought he was crazy when he suggested relationships don't need to be difficult. But eventually, I started to realize I was trying to change myself to stay with this person rather than just being who I am."

"It took me three more months to finally break up with her but from that day on, I vowed to never again abandon myself just to be with someone I had convinced myself was better than me."

- metric88

High-Stress Situation

"I was at a high-stress time, and I asked her how people live like this."

"She replied, 'Oftentimes they have cardiac events.' She said it as an urging to care for myself as much as possible."

- KittenGr8r

The End of Alcohol

"I was struggling with my alcoholism, and we were discussing how I had been cutting back."

"She asked what I would consider success, with regard to my drinking."

"I said I wanted to get to a point where it wasn't interfering with my daily life. I wanted to just be able to have a glass of wine at holiday dinners or family gatherings."

"She simply asked me why. Why was it important for me to drink at those times?"

"It was as if she'd turned on a light. Alcohol had always been a key ingredient in every family function, for my entire life. When I smell bourbon, I think of my uncle. When I smell vermouth, I think of my dad. Alcohol ran through almost every happy childhood memory."

"But, even more than that, I was very afraid of the explanation I'd have to give when family and friends asked why I wasn't having a drink. I had tried to quit before but failed. What if I admitted my problem, only to fall off the wagon?"

"When she asked why I didn't want to completely quit, it was the first time I saw that last part of the big picture. I'd be willing to drink myself to death in order to avoid being scrutinized, or judged for possible future failures."

"That was the day I quit. I've been sober since May 6th, 2017. 2,407 days."

- sophies_wish

Acceptance vs. Enjoyment

"'Accepting something doesn’t mean you have to like it.'"

"That took away a lot of my inner conflicts about situations because I could accept a situation without expending energy internally fighting against the injustice of it."

- alibelloc

Emotionally Immature Parents

"You are not responsible for your parents' emotional wellbeing. They are independent adults who have been on this earth for many more years than you."

- SmokedPears

Not So Lazy

"'Why do you think you're lazy?' Then she listed off all the things she knows I'm doing for my family, my job, and my life."

"It kind of blew my mind when I struggled to come up with an example."

"She also described family dysfunction as water. Some families are messed up in a way that everyone can see the huge waves across the surface. Others are better at hiding it, but there's still a riptide that you can't see unless you're also in the water."

"It made me realize that trying to keep the surface from ever rippling doesn't erase what is happening underneath."

- flybyknight665

The Harm in People-Pleasing

"'Why do you make people more comfortable when you are uncomfortable?' when talking about people pleasing and fawning."

- ERsandwich

Agree to Disagree

"'Stop trying to get everyone to agree. When you need everyone to agree, the least agreeable person has all the power.'"

This really changed my outlook on planning family events."

- freef

Grieve and Start Anew

"For context, I had a major TBI (traumatic brain injury), seizures, strokes, and all around not a fun brain time when I was 28."

"They said, 'You have to grieve the loss of yourself.'"

"Most people wanted me to go back to how I was. The f**ked up truth is that part of my brain is dead. The person everyone (including myself) knew died. I needed to grieve the loss of myself."

- squeaktoy_la

Multifaceted Identity

"They told me that my job and career is just a way to make money; it's not my life or identity. That took a lot of pressure off me."

- unfairpegasus

Breaking the Cycle

"They validated me."

"'You always talk about not wanting to do to your daughters what your mom did to you. You worry about it so much in every interaction you have ever had with them."

"But your children are 19 and 21 now. They are happy and healthy and they trust you because you’ve never abused them in any way. So I just want to validate for you that you really have broken that cycle of violence."

"You did that. And you should be proud of it. I’m proud of you for it.'"

- puppsmcgee74

The Grieving Process

"I was constantly bringing up how I felt like a completely different person after my mom died... like there was a marked difference between before and after her death."

"But once, she was asking about my hobbies, I got really into describing all the things I loved to do or at least used to do before I got into a deep depression."

"She was like, 'Wow, you seem very passionate.'"

"And I just sat there like, 'Well, I mean, I can't change what I like to do, they're still fun to do.'"

"And it's like she knew when to take a step back, because it was like, wow, I may be super depressed about my mom passing, but I'm still me. I'm still my passions and those don't go away."

"I don't know, maybe it only makes sense to be, but it really started getting me back on track."

- Hannibal680

Sharing the Load

"I've never really had friends. I've had colleagues and classmates and housemates and people who have hung out with me, but I never really felt close to any of them."

"And I did that thing you see on here sometimes; I stopped reaching out to see if I would be reached out to, and I wasn't, which I took as confirmation that they didn't really want me around, or at the very least, that they wouldn't mind my absence."

"I was talking to my therapist about people I'd been close to in college, and she told me to pick one and talk about him. So I did. After I shared some basic stuff like his name and his major etc., and a couple of anecdotes, she asked me what else I knew about him."

"And I couldn't answer. It wasn't really a broadly applicable bombshell, but she said, 'What else?' and I started crying because I realized that for as simple as the question was, my inability to answer spoke volumes."

"I've never had good friends because I've never been a good friend. I'm withdrawn and reserved and I always made others do the work to drag me out, without ever extending my own friendship in a meaningful way in return. If I wanted to have meaningful relationships with other people, I would have to build them."

"I'm still working on this, but I'm trying to make more offers and extend more friendliness to others in my daily life."

- Backupusername

The discoveries in this thread were incredibly touching and profound; it's no wonder these were lasting concepts for these Redditors.

It's important to keep ourselves open to inspiration and insights from others, as we have no idea how their experiences could help us, or how we could help them.

Aerial view of a church in a small town
Sander Weeteling/Unsplash

There's something comforting about living in a small town.

It's characterized by close communities where neighbors know each other by name and there is an abundance of kindness extended to others.

Gift-giving is a commonality, as is the sharing of recipes, and people going out of their way to help each other in a time of need.

The pace of living in small towns is also a striking contradiction to city life, where crowds of people go about their busy lives without much interaction.

Curious to hear more examples of what small town living is like, Redditor official_biz asked:

"What's the most 'small town' thing you've witnessed?"

These are positive examples of a tight-knit community.

Live Updates

"We have a village Facebook page. Every time the ice cream man drives into the village, the entire page goes ballistic. People send live updates of where the van is and which direction he's heading. The ice cream man has started accepting DMs so he knows which streets to go down."

– PyrrhuraMolinae

Brush With The Law

"I’m from a town of less than 2,000 people. When I worked at the grocery store there people would often drop off stuff for my family members because they didn’t want to drive all the way down to our house. I no longer live there but recently got a call from my daughter. She had been stopped for speeding and handed over her license and insurance which happens to be in my mother’s name. The officer goes 'Hey, you’re Donnie’s granddaughter! I ain’t gonna write you a ticket but I’m telling Donnie when I see him tomorrow cause we’re going fishing.' She replied 'I think I’d rather have the ticket.'”

- Reddit

Roadside Catchup

"The traffic on the 'main street' of my town is so sparse, two drivers going opposite directions can stop and talk to each other for a few minutes without causing any problem."

– anon

When things go wrong, people take notice without incident.

Bank Robbery

"A guy robbed a bank and everyone knew immediately who he was and the teller got mad at him."

– AlexRyang

"A local bank was robbed and one of the tellers told the police to bring her a yearbook from about ten years earlier and she would be able to point the robber out. He had been in the grade before hers in school."

– Strict_Condition_632

Wise Woman

"When I worked at the bank in town there was an older lady that had worked there through 5 mergers."

"She knew everyone, there was a young guy yelling at me one day. She walked out of the back and he immediately quieted. She went off about telling his grandmother that he was treating young women like sh*t. She also said that if he didn’t straighten up not one girl in town would ever marry him she would make sure of it."

– ilurvekittens

Intoxicated Local

"Town drunk was paralyzed and used a motorized wheelchair to get around. I was driving home one Saturday night and said town drunk was passed out in his wheelchair doing circles almost directly in the town square. Had to call his brother who came and picked him up on a rollback truck. Strapped him down and drove off into the cold dark night."

– DoodooExplosion

Grazing Over To The Bar

"In my former small town, there was an older guy who'd lost his license after getting a few DUIs. Every day, he would ride his John Deere lawnmower to the corner bar around 3PM and sit around watching TV and sipping his beer well into the night. Then he'd head the couple miles back home on his mower. He even had a little canvass shell he put on when it rained or got too cold."

– brown_pleated_slacks

It's not surprising how small town people behave differently than those who are from metropolitan areas.

Welcoming Committee

"I lived in a small town. When I moved there, people would ask, 'Whose house did you buy?'"

–MoonieNine

"Move to a small town. 30 years later, you are still the new guy."

– impiousdrifter

"I lived in a small town for most of my childhood but I wasn't "from there" because my grandparents weren't from there."

– raisinghellwithtrees

"Worked with an older guy, relative of the owner of the business, he was 73. I asked him if he was a local, he said 'no his parents moved here when he was two.'"

– realneil

A Busy Day

"Lived in a town of about 5,000: A woman walked into the DMV on a Friday, saw that there were 3 people ahead of her and left to come back another time when they weren't so busy."

– KenmoreToast

Who Let The Dogs Out?

"My dogs got out while i was working. the police called my niece's elementary school (she was a 5th grader) to get her to round them up and take them back home."

– mediocrelpn

"There was a small kennel behind the police station for runaways. They called us saying they had our dog, and moments later our dog showed up home. He broke out of jail."

– Worried_Place_917

While life in a small town sounds appealing, I don't know if I can ever live in one.

I'm so used to life in big cities, I think it would be quite unnerving to adjust in a neighborhood where everyone literally knows your business.

I would be paranoid.

And I'm sure the same could be said of life in the big city.

Would you consider making the switch to life in a different setting?

When I was in high school, my friends and I went to a pizza place after school nearly every day. In addition to a slice of pizza, we would each buy a soda. The place offered free refills (this was back when not all places did this), and we thought it was really cool. However, I used to wonder why they would do this. Wouldn't it be more profitable to them if they forced us to buy a second drink?

Four years later, I began working in a restaurant and learned that more often than not, the cups we gave out for soda cost more than the syrup that went in the drink. The restaurant offered us free food on days we worked, but we couldn't get drinks for free unless we brought our own cups.

This was shocking to me and put free refills into a whole new perspective. We could sell the soda for more than it cost to make, but no one would buy a soda if we tried to sell it for more than the cup cost. It would cost us less to allow customers to refill the same cup for free than it would be to give or even sell them another cup because it would cost the business a lot to replace each cup.

Soda cups aren't the only things that have a high mark up price, and they're not the only products people were surprised to find had a high mark up. Redditors know of lots of products that they were surprised to find out has a high mark up and are ready to share.

It all started when Redditor petrastales asked:

"What product unbeknownst to most people has the highest mark up?"

​Equality Doesn't Exist

"Back in the early 2000’s I was managing a restaurant - garlic bread was selling for 3.95 and cost 0.07 to make. Not all food items are equal when it comes to margins!"

– leyland_gaunt

"I came here specifically to mention pizza. The profit margins on pizza are nuts, you have to suck at making it to not stay open."

– DreadedChalupacabra

"Yeah, it drives me nuts when you can request add-ons, but it's like $3 for a few pieces of camembert, or $2 for some chopped tomato, when it probably cost $5 for an entire 1kg bag of tomatoes."

– Writerhowell

How Cheesy

"Yeah and like 1.50 of that pizza was the cheese."

"Cheese is the most expensive part of a pizza assuming youre not doing some weird specialty stuff."

– Doomstik

"Can confirm. Worked at a pizza place. An incompetent employee was supposed to fluff a box of cheese but dropped it on the ground by accident. the owner was there. I swear I saw him shed a tear because that box was $120 of pure uncut shredded mozzarella and that was supposed to become like $1,000 in pizzas."

– PM_Sexy_Catgirls_Meo

That's Nuts!

"Yeah I worked at a place that did charcuterie, I apologized to the chef for munching out on the fancy olives all night. He said he didn't give a damn, as long as it kept my hands off the roasted cashews. Big jar of olives was like 15 bucks, the equivalent of cashews was like 200 bucks."

– hudson27

Bamboozled

"Reminds me of the never-ending pasta at Olive Garden. Pasta is dirt cheap and incredibly filling. The chances of you eating enough that it's actually a good deal for you is very slim."

– IBJON

"When I was working at a chain pizza restaurant, the storage manager wanted to get pasta on the menu, because of the profit margins. It's crazy because it cost us $2.10 to make a 17 inch pizza, and we sold them for $14."

– fukreddit73264

Not Worth It

"Flavored seltzers at a brewery. The beer costs 10x as much to make, but they charge almost the same at the tap."

– LocoCracka

"I have a buddy who made seltzers at a brewery in the Bay Area. Some malt liquor, very little flavoring, and a ton of soda water."

"Couldn’t make a cheaper adult beverage if you tried."

– Ikarus_Zer0

Ma, I Can't See!

"Glasses."

"Luxottica owns most major eye wear stores, costs them a few dollars to make and you pay hundreds for them."

– godnrop

"My cousin taught English in China after college in the early 2000s, apparently they had machines in malls where you could look into a pair of holes, do a vision test, get a prescription, and have a pair of glasses automatically ground for you in like 2 minutes for about $5, and the only reason we don't have that in the US is regulations."

"I travel to China frequently for work. I just take the USA prescription for family and friends and they have them made in about an hour or less. Family and friends give me an idea of frames they like and they pop the prescription lenses in. I pay about USD40 for the top-grade lens material that is antifog and anti-scratch."

i3f8j

"I don’t really object to paying $50 for an eye exam, I object to paying $300 for a pair of frames. There’s no reason you shouldn’t be able to take the prescription the optometrist gives you, enter the numbers into the machine, and get the same $5 glasses."

river4823

​Message Received

"Back in the day, text messaging."

– alien109

"That's why I left T-Mobile in 2005. They were charging me for incoming texts but offered no way for me to block them. So basically, someone else had control of my bill."

– CGYOMH

"I remember being young, spending the $20 I worked so hard for so I could get minutes, only for a friend with unlimited minutes to spam me with a few texts and take it all away. What an upsetting time."

– Boopcheese

Ice Ice Baby

"Soft drinks in pubs. Especially the ones from “the tap”. Costs pennies and they charge £3 for a pint of it. Probably the biggest earner in a pub."

– lucky_1979

"Especially when they just cram a glass with ice and then lightly moisten it with the actual drink you ordered."

– jamesmowry

"My work just came out with a policy that we need to completely fill the glass with ice because it "keeps the drink colder for longer".. eyeroll."

– metalbridgebuilder

"The nuts and bolts section at your local big box hardware store is the highest markup isle. 500% or more. If you need more than a few bolts, go shopping at a proper hardware supplier."

– SatanLifeProTips

"Whenever I go through one of these aisles and look at the price for a single bolt or screw, I look at the overall assortment and think: There must be tens of thousands of dollars just for the shelf-price of fasteners I see right here in this aisle alone."

"The markup is crazy, but why do I want to buy a box of 100 screws if I only need two?"

– lemming_follower

Second To One

"The second-cheapest bottle of wine on the menu."

– slocki

"In order to not look cheap, many people will buy the 2nd cheapest item on the menu."

– AprilsMostAmazing

"Wine in restaurants in general. The markup on wine is wild. My boss used to get whatever was “on sale” from the distributor and usually pay $3-4 a bottle and sell it at $10 a glass."

– she_shoots

Pour Some Sugar On Me

"Candy floss / cotton candy. £4.99 for legitimately 10p worth of sugar."

– Tylervdub

"I used to work food service at an amusement park for a summer job."

"A manager told us that the cost of making a bag of cotton candy, including ingredients, labor, etc., was 19 cents...we sold it for $3."

– etm105

Look, Don't Drive

"Those button batteries in store."

"They know you need one asap cause your car won’t unlock so you are stuck."

"Wait 1 day and you can get a dozen from Amazon for same price."

– kindrudekid

Medical Supplies

"As a Diabetic I'm pretty sure it's Insulin."

– PraiseThePun81

"Can’t believe I had to scroll so far to find this."

"I spend over $13k annually on ‘good’ insurance that doesn’t cover half of the things I need as a diabetic. I spend half that again on the insulin and supplies. It’s a racket."

– Nosce_Temet

H2O

"Water."

– ganic-Lie4759

"Bottled water is so highly marked up as to qualify as a scam."

"At no extra cost aside from the bottle (I don’t have a water meter) my water is completely free. It tastes as good or better than bottled."

– 6033624

I didn't know about any of this!

I can hear my wallet crying.

Black and white photo of a teacher pointing his finger toward an unseen student
Photo by Immo Wegmann

Teachers are meant to impart knowledge to the next generation, but they have to get the kids to pay attention first.

Not an easy task.

So many, too many schools are plagued by kids who have no self-control.

Teachers end up playing referee, counselor, and parent in addition to their teaching role.

All of those additional hats don't come with any additional pay.

It's no wonder we're in a teacher shortage.

Redditor _Planet_Mars_ wanted the teachers out there to share some rough student stories, so they asked:

"Teachers, what is the worst thing you've seen a student do?"

I once saw a kid drive their car into the school office.

They were drunk.

Thankfully no one was injured.

POP!

"The was a loud pop and a flash in the back corner of the classroom. I asked the student sitting there what happened. She said it was firecrackers. I sent her to the office. While she was still in the office, I realized the electrical outlets in the room didn’t work. At that point, another student fessed up that the student sent to the office had put a pair of scissors in the outlet. I’m not sure why that student thought it was better to lie and claim she was doing fireworks inside the school?"

mynamelessname

Pain

"When I was teaching preschool, I had a little girl, between 3-4, walk up to another girl who was sitting on the rug reading a book, grab her by the hair and slam her head into the wall. They hadn’t been interacting in any way prior. When I asked her why she did it, she said she 'wanted her to know it hurts.'"

No-Doubt-8748

That Kid

"A different type of bad than most of these."

"I was a teacher at a poor inner-city school. I had a lot of wonderful students but some difficult ones. One was the worst — bright but was always sleeping through class and acting up and never doing homework. I lived about 30 minutes away. One night, I stopped by the local Wawa after a night out with friends. Was at least 11:30 pm and I was already dreading the early morning drive to school. And who should be checking me out but my own 'problem' student."

"He was working late to make money for his family and then getting home at 1:00 am or later before heading into school on 4-5 hours of sleep. He was a smart kid. Really smart. I hope things worked out for him but I can’t help but wonder what would have happened if he’d been allowed to have a childhood and focus on his education."

Low_Cartographer2944

Blame the Heat

Sweating James Mcavoy GIFGiphy

"It gets very hot here in the warmer months and so the school put out those big containers for water for everyone. Well, one student was caught peeing into a bag and dumping it into the containers."

huzzahserrah

Some kids really need some deeper therapy.

Peeing in bags? Seriously?!

From Beneath

"My wife is an elementary teacher and has a kid this year that likes to slip under their desk and lick toes (we live in a warm state) and they all think he will grow up to be a creeper."

CherryManhattan

BOOM

"This was the worst thing I know of that happened at my high school."

"Someone brought a blasting cap to school (OK, that's a bit dumb), and flushed it down the toilet (that's REALLY dumb). Then told a teacher about it, because maybe it wasn't such a good idea (their best idea that day, really)."

"Wound up with that restroom being taken out of service while the fire department x-rayed the plumbing to find and remove the (admittedly tiny) explosive. Took several weeks before it was back in service."

gogstars

Sad

"My favorite teacher in high school was a very kind a lenient man. Do your work, be respectful, and follow the major school rules and you and him would be cool. The one thing that would seem minor, but that he was very strict about was taking any medication in any way shape, or form in his classroom."

"One day, I needed to take some Advil for cramps and asked to take it. He said I needed to go to the nurse for permission. I ended up asking him why he was so strict about it. it turns out, he had a student pass out in class one day at his former school. He tried to wake her up and called the nurse, but she wouldn't wake up. They called 911 and by the time they got there, she had died of an OD on narcotics she took in the bathroom that she had hidden in a Tylenol bottle. I don't know how he went back to teaching after that."

musical-nerd24601

Painful

Moving Season 2 GIF by Paramount+Giphy

"Saw a 4-year-old purposely push a piece of furniture over onto another 4-year-old at preschool. It actually really hurt the other kid, and her parents took the school to court."

MPD1987

Kids are brutal.

No wonder people home school.