Going to the doctor can often be an anxiety inducing experience. You're worried about that little spot, that new bit of pain, but it's much worse when something embarrassing happens.
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1. That's one way to handle that situation...
Had a routine smear (pap) test as a student, I hadn't slept the night before as I'd been partying hard and was still not quite with it.
The male doctor hadn't performed a smear before and for some reason a nurse was called in to witness the procedure. Predictably the doc had trouble finding my cervix and the nurse told me to roll my hips up. The doctor was getting more and more nervy so to break the ice I started singing "rolling rolling rolling, keep those doggies movin, rawhide" (it made sense at the time)
Then I started to laugh uncontrollably at my own joke which caused the speculum to shoot out of my hooha and knock his glasses off.
The lab results were inconclusive.
2. Must have been running on auto-pilot right there.
I arrived at my doctor's office for a routine physical and everything was going fine. My previous conditions had all gone away and we were wrapping up when my doctor (female by the way, I am male) told me that she was "Going to need to check me for an enema." She turned away for a moment to put on some gloves as she did so I stood up, took off my pants, and bent over.
I misheard her. One does not "check" for an enema. One checks for a hernia.
The moment she turned around I heard "Oh my, what!?" and I immediately realized my mistake. I quickly turned around to see my now bright-red doctor flushing over the completely unprecedented sight of my anus pointed in her direction. I began to apologize profusely and what followed can only be described as an extremely awkward check for testicular cancer and a hasty departure on her part.
Needless to say I, too, got out of there as quickly as possible.
3. Ugh, that'll keep you up at night.
When I was a kid (like 8 or 9), I had to get a routine physical to participate in sports at school. My Dad took me. Everything went great until the Dr told my Dad he needed to get a urine sample. My Dad hands me the cup and tells me to go to the bathroom in the cup and bring it back to him.
I, being a bit naive, did not know what urine was so I went into the bathroom and promptly pooped in the cup.
My Dad was waiting for me near the front desk of the Dr's office since we were leaving after turning in the cup. I proudly walked up, handed the cup to my Dad and said "Is this enough or should I go back and scoop up some more from the bowl?".
The nurse at the desk looks up and nearly spit her coffee all over my Dad. He set the cup on the desk and said "We are leaving now". I didn't understand what was wrong until that night when my Mom came into explain my mistake.
4. That is a huge mistake. I don't know what to say...
Happened to a co-worker
He wanted to get a vasectomytwo guys in the office had recommended a doctor they had used. To have some fun, they tell him that during the first consultation, hell have to ejaculate into a cup for testing purposes.
Upon his arrival at the doctors office he speaks to the front desk nurse. After the paperwork, she hands him a cup, tells him to fill to the line, cap it and leave it on the sink. The cup was the size a tumbler glass and line was way at the top.
This guy goes in, thinking he needs to (you know)sees no inspirational material but figures he can just wing it from memory. After about 10 minutes, nurse knocks on the door, asks if everything is OK.
Embarrassed about his output compared to the goal, he shows her the cup with the meager contribution and asks how the other guys filled to the line.
The nurse bursts out laughing and in between trying to catch her breath, tells him he was supposed to pee in the cup.
After cleaning up, he had to go wait out in the waiting room with a large glass of water. He sat there about 30 minutes before doing a proper test and seeing the doctor. He said it was the longest 30 minutes of his life because within 5 minutes not a single nurse could keep a straight face.
5. These new age doctors, I tell ya!
This happened to a friend's mother:
She was trying out a new OB/GYN. Post-examination, she was given a cup and directed to supply the office with a urine sample. Upon arriving at the bathroom, she saw that it had no door!
Friend's mom just assumed that this new, free-wheeling OB/GYN office didn't have bathroom doors and all the patients did their business in the light.
So, nervously, she proceeded to create/collect the sample as people walked by in the hallway outside. I imagine they pretended not to notice or gave her strange looks, but it wasn't until she was leaving the bathroom that she noticed the fully retracted sliding door.
6. Not a bad plot, though. Apparently it happens!
I had a pizza delivery guy walk in on me while I was getting a pelvic exam at the OB/GYN. My feet were up in the stirrups, my doctor's hand was in my vag...yeah, the whole bit. Apparently the nurses had ordered a pizza and directed the guy to bring it to the break room, but he opened the wrong door.
You'd think at an OB/GYN you'd at least knock before entering any closed rooms, right? Yeah, no. He couldn't have seen anything, though, and I'm pretty sure he was more embarrassed than I was. Still sounds like the plot to a bad porno.
7. The doctor would need a strong stomach for this one....
So, I went to the doctor because I was noticing an odor on my undies when I would change. Having a normally healthy vagina area this kind of alarmed me, so I went to the walk in clinic to see what was up.
In retrospect, I should have gone to a gyno, but I actually thought I had some sort of urinary tract infection, not a vaginal problem.
Anyways, I described the symptoms to the doctor, and she decides to do a vaginal exam. Okay, fine.
Well, she sticks the thing up me, and realizes that there is a tampon stuck up me. It takes a bit of moving around, she ends up getting the retained tampon. I don't want to gross you out, but I'm not exaggerating when I say that the entire room smelled when she took that out of me. I was horrified. I was nearly gagging, I can only imagine how she felt.
She put it in the trash, and immediately took the trash out.
It gets worse...
So, then she decides to take a look to make sure everything looked okay. Well, it didn't. I hear here say, 'There is something else up there. Maybe another tampon?'.
I was absolutely horrified. After further prying around, she was able to figure out it wasn't a tampon, but it was something blue, and it was hard. She sent me over for an X-ray to confirm. Sure enough, I had something else in me. . .
She tried to get it out with the pliers again, but it hurt too much for me to bear. She ended up having to sedate me, and had a male doctor come in and try. Eventually they were able to get it out. It looked like a little blue cap, and they obviously asked me what it was, and at the time I was dumbfounded for what it could be. I looked like a moron.
I had to call into work, because I had been sedated, and I had to call my dad and have him pick me up from the walk in.
It was honestly the most embarrassing experience of my life.
I realized a few days later what the blue cap was. One night when I was drunk at my friends house I had thought I had a yeast infection. I remember using monostat, and having never used it before I didn't know you were supposed to take the cap off. Go figure.
I still get embarrassed to this day thinking about the looks that I was getting on my way into the x-ray room. The doctor had obviously told the staff what was going on, and they were all staring at me like I had a vagina full of various items. Like, 'oh I wonder what we will pull out of her next!'
8. Nobody address the elephant in the room...
It was a little awkward getting my vasectomy when the sixty-something nurse told me she needed to shave my balls, saw that they were already shaved, and complimented me on my ball-shaving skills while rubbing betadine all over them.
Doing the sperm test afterwards is a little on the weird side too. You go to the lab desk, ask for a specimen container, go into the bathroom, and then come out and hand them the full container while you both pretend not to know you were just touching yourself twenty feet away.
9. That can make family dinners VERY awkward.
My doctor is a family friend. This is an incredibly awkward relationship. One day she's all like, "drop your pants, let's see that penis", the next day she's like, "Pass the peas".
10. So I guess that means you're certain?
Thankfully this was only slightly insulting, not horrifying. When I was maybe 18, I went into the doctor because I was experiencing some extreme nausea, among other things. He kept asking me if I could be pregnant, over and over.
"So, uh, could you possibly be pregnant? Maybe we should run a pregnancy test."
"Pretty positive I'm not."
"When was the last time you had sexual intercourse?"
"NEVER?!" At this point he's suddenly whipped around to face me from his clipboard. "Oh, hah, wow, that simplifies things a lot."
11. For science!
Probably not the most embarrassing, but happened recently.
The last time I was at my doctor's office I was kept waiting in the exam room for a really long time. Like long enough to go through all three magazines in the room. Eventually severe boredom set in and I started looking for other things to do.
There was a scale in the corner, so I thought let's weigh some stuff. I started with my shoes, and eventually moved on to the magazines and my clothes. When I ran out of personal stuff, I surveyed the room and decided that I would like to know how much a chair weighs, so on the scale it went.
This is the exact moment the doctor and her resident decide to enter the room. There I am wearing nothing but a hospital gown and socks balancing a chair on the scale...
12. No apology necessary my boy.
I went to the hospital when I was as teenager and my doctor was rather attractive. She had to check me for testicular cancer. The room was curtained off and my parents were waiting right on the other side, in earshot.
She was looking away when I pulled my pants down and she said, "Oh my god," in an annoyed voice when she turned to find my junk out. I thought I had done something wrong and said sorry. As it turned out, my pork and beans hadn't been what had annoyed her, it was that her beeper had gone off (I guess she had been extremely busy).
The story isn't too embarrassing at face value, until you realize my parents could hear but not see this short exchange. I don't want to imagine what they thought caused a pubescent teenager to have to apologize to a hot doctor examining his testicles.
13. Zigged when you should have zagged...
I was at the doctor's office for a physical before my freshman year of college. The doctor was this assertive and intimidating female, and it came time for the hernia check. Now, for my whole life this procedure involved the doctor cupping a testicle and asking me to cough. However, I guess they only need to feel just above the genitals (where my ovaries would be if I was female) these days, but I was not aware.
So I am sitting on the exam table, and the doctor asked me to unbutton my pants for the hernia exam (I was ignorant that they didn't need to come down). Then she turned away to go get a glove. At this point, I pulled my pants down to my knees. She walks over with a perfect poker face and calmly places her hand on my lower stomach and asks me to cough. She checked both sides twice, the entire time with my genitals needlessly exposed.
14. It's like, at this point, just pick your poison.
When I was delivering my second child I was determined to not have a bowel movement and did an enema to help prevent this from happening. It did clean me out, however it caused the worst gas I had ever had in my life.
I had an epidural so I couldn't really feel anything and by the time I was ready to push I figured the gas had passed. I let the doctor know I was ready and he went right down there "in the danger zone". He timed my contractions and let me know it was time for a good push. I pushed with all my baby delivering might and ripped the biggest, longest fart right in his face. I saw his hair literally blow back. Didn't help that he was young and attractive.
15. Wait... you're a DENTIST!!??
When I was studying to become a dentist I was following a doctor in the ER a couple of weekends as part of my education in general medicine. Well, one late Saturday a young girl, around 18 I think, comes in with her parents because of severe stomach pains.
The doctor asks a few questions and then asks the girl to take off her pants and lay down on her side. The doc then puts on a glove and shoves a finger up the girl's rectum. I had seen this before, standard procedure, but never with a cute girl as the receiver. So I was already a bit embarassed when the father turns to me and asks me how many years I've got left until I'm a doctor. "Well umm.. I'm actually studying to become a dentist." Really made me feel I was at the wrong end of things.
16. Well.. I wondered!!
I attempted chemical hair removal for the first time the day before my appointment with the gynecologist.
Her response: "And that is chemical burn."
17. Always with the crying...
When I was pretty young (around 12 or 13 I think) I had some weird stomach issues going on. They found some odd results with an X-Ray and told me they wanted to do something called a "Berian Enema"(?).
So I go into this room, and they tell me they're going to put a hose in my butt and fill my intestines with a milky liquid. I looked terrified, and my doctor asked me what was wrong. I told him it sounded painful but that I was also very ticklish. He told me not to worry about it - it wasn't that bad.
So a female doctor starts to shove this thing in 13 year old me's butt and I started giggling. And then laughing. And then crying.