Sure, a career in the military is a tough choice.
But that doesn't mean you can't have any fun. Once in a while punishment comes along with a few laughs.
Thank God for the laughs while you're in service right?
A serious career path like that definitely needs some levity.
Redditor ccohen_2023 wanted to hear a few giggles from service folk out there by asking:
"Military personnel of Reddit, what's the most hilarious punishment you've seen given out?"
Trash Collection.
I once watched a private collect exhaust samples with garbage bags in the motor pool and then run them to the 1SG to turn them in, definitely hilarious. Gypsy-Fitz
Giphy"WOO HOO I'M IN SECOND PLATOON!"
When I was in Basic Training, we had a guy who ran out of the DFAC and got into the wrong platoon formation. When the DS takes roll she notices the guy is missing and asks everyone where he is. We had only been in Basic for 2 days and didn't know everyone yet but she put us all in the front leaning rest saying we should know all our battles by now. A few moments later, a DS down the line starts yelling at some kid about him not belonging to his platoon. Our DS goes over and finds out its her missing recruit and he starts getting yelled at by both DS of them for a few minutes.
Eventually, one DS comes up with the idea that every time this guy gets in formation has to hold up his hands with two fingers up (like a peace sign) and repeatedly shout "WOO HOO I'M IN SECOND PLATOON!" until the DS stops him. He did for this a couple of days, maybe a week before the DS finally told him he could stop but each time he did we all had to stifle our laughter because he went all out and screamed the line with an extremely cheery excited voice each time. Independant_Hawk
MOUSE MILK MAKES.....
Watched a notorious screw-up stand in the quad next to the bell with in his t-shirt and boxers, his t-shirt tied into a belly shirt, flexing his arms and shouting: "SIR, MOUSE MILK MAKES ME MIGHTY, SIR". For thirty minutes straight. penny_can
Rocks Away....
Not my story but a guy I knew was late to formation so the drill sergeant says to him "Those rocks are looking a bit dark" and proceeds to have him walk around flipping rocks over and putting sun block on them for a few hours. an_iron_giant
GiphyWorking Together...
When I was in the Army, I was a 155mm howitzer section chief (E-6).
My gun crew decided they didn't want to work and live together.
When we were training for section evals, the infighting got bad. I told my gunner (E-5) to get them on the same page.
That afternoon we have some fire missions that were timed. Again, they are screwing up.
We break for chow and I have an epiphany.
At the end of the fire mission, I decide that the problem had to be the rounds we were shooting. I mean the problem couldn't possibly be with the howitzer, and my crew said they were fine, so it must be the rounds we were shooting.
During our break for chow, I talk with one of the other section chiefs and he tells me his rounds were just fine, but he was willing to trade me his rounds for mine.
For those of you who aren't privy, a 155mm Artillery round weighs 95lbs and are about 2' tall. This will give you an idea of the set up.
The other gun was about 1/3 of a mile down and there were two other guns between us.
when I told my crew we would be trading our rounds for others, they grumbled, then started to secure the ammo track. Oh no! the track stays put.
My gun crew manually carried 84 rounds out of our ammo track, across the firing point, to the other ammo track. Unloaded and reloaded their track and loaded our track.
After 84 trips over and back, with the entire battery watching, I think we found a resolution to our problem.
Funny thing, that other gun chief didn't have the 1st issue with any of those rounds and somehow, I didn't have any with his. gunbunnycb
Yakima firing center 1980.....
Yakima firing center 1980. A cook, belonging our unit found a 155mm dud HE round. Thought it was cool. Took it and put it UNDER the propane stove in the Mess truck. For safe keeping. The first sergeant, while getting a cup of coffee on the tailgate saw it. He moved everyone out, made the cook, CAREFULLY get the round out of the truck and put down. Then he put the guy in full web gear flak jacket helmet and goggles and sent him (with the round) to the top of a very steep hill,1/4 mile off. Opneckbeard
Snip, snip Here...
Some folks in my platoon had to "mow" the grass. It took 'em all day because they had to use their fingers and tear each blade. TheAlphaCoco
My DI made my division do it with fingernail clippers and a ruler. Lol. bigboog1
Bam. Bam.
During my training, one portion of it required an obstacle course. For one of the puzzles you had to lay down wooden planks across platforms and bring a wheel barrel across them. Seems easy but there weren't enough planks and you had to get creative. One guy layered down a plank, walked across it and it snapped a good portion off. The instructors ganged up on him because he broke "government property."
As punishment, for the rest of the duration of the course (5 weeks) wherever he went he had to bring the portion of wood he broke off. Bathroom. Chow. Swimming pool. Ruck. Everywhere. We decorated it and wrapped some duct tape to make a handle. The best part is this guy is close to 5 feet tall. So the instructors called him Bam Bam. scrublord420_1738
You are m y Sunshine...
My personal favorite was sweeping sunshine. Someone, usually a private, pisses off a superior, but not in such a serious enough fashion that they have to involve UCMJ. If they really annoyed someone, they're usually told to get in full battle rattle (armor, helmet, pads, the full 9). Once they report in, they're given broom and are ordered to sweep the sidewalk until there's no more sunshine on it. As you can probably expect, this is going to be a very long day. Madrojian
GiphySigns Up.
While deployed @ camp Fallujah, two Marines got caught speeding in a clapped out Iraqi car. Their punishment was to hold sign that said slow down. pic
Most punishments I saw outside of NJPs were just straight up physical punishment and were only funny because I was not getting punished. truss84
Skuzzbrush ....
Skuzzbrush (sp?) - noun - little hand brush they give you in Marine bootcamp to clean the floors.
Our drill instructors made one of the recruits push the brush as fast as he could across the squad bay floor- back and forth - without anything other than his feet touching the ground. This was completely normal and a daily occurrence for all of us. The difference this time was this recruit was caught laughing.
So he was forced to clean the floors alone; with all of the platoon watching from "on the line"...while he was required to scream "WEEEEEE" in a loud girly falsetto voice for like 15 minutes. It started out hilarious, but he got tired quick and it got hard to watch.
Giphy"STOP! NOW LAY AN EGG"
One Sunday during bootcamp we were supposed to be cleaning the barracks, so naturally, nobody was doing anything. One of the guys in my platoon got up on one of the footlockers and was squatting on top of it and started saying "Yo, check it out I'm a bird". At that moment we heard "AT EASE" as a Drill Sergeant walked in, gaze transfixed on this dude still squatting on top of the footlocker. Drill Sergeant says to him "Okay you wanna be a bird, huh? Get down here".
Dude hops off and the DS makes him run around the barracks squawking like a bird. Mid-flight the DS stops him and says "STOP! NOW LAY AN EGG" so the dude promptly squats down and lets out the FATTEST fart I've heard in a long time. There was not a single soul in those barracks that wasn't dying. A million push-ups from everyone immediately followed. kevingo8450
SUCK IT UP!!!
There was this dude who failed field day (where your barracks room has to be inspection ready) due to the inspecting SNCO finding dust.
During the next formation after we broke into our squads for PT, I saw his squad leader hand him a vacuum cleaner. When they stepped off to go on 5 mile run, they started singing cadence..."AAAHHHHH SUCK IT UP!! (SUCK IT UP)!!!! SUCK IT UP!!! (SUCK IT UP)!!!" Nukular-Weapons
"integrated division"
I was in an "integrated division" during boot camp, meaning we had men and women in our division. We had separate barracks across the hall from one another, and because the RDCs (instructors) could be in either one, and you had men and women coming and going to speak with them, we had a strict rule about always having at least the PT uniform (shorts, t shirts, and tennis shoes) on unless you were in the head (bathroom/showers).
One guy forgot, and walked out of the showers with his shirt tossed over his shoulder and Senior Chief saw him before he got to his bunk.
"I'M FABIO, LOOK AT ME!"
"HOLY CRAP RECRUIT. YOU MUST THINK YOU'RE MODEL OR SOMETHING. WHO GAVE YOU PERMISSION TO STRUT ACROSS MY DAMN DECK?"
He took a plain white undershirt, drew fake abs and chest hair on it, and made the guy march up and down the halls shouting "I'M FABIO, LOOK AT ME" for a half hour before making him do mountain climbers until we went to mess. ShoddyBiscotti1
RIP... Private Dustin.
When i was on BMQ my roommate had a decent sized dust bunny under his bed. leadership made him name it, preserve it and have it inspection ready every morning.
RIP... Private Dustin. jeffrk
GiphyThese are stories from another similar thread, but they are too good not to share.
One was a guy who's DI caught him swatting a spider. He was made to dig a 6' deep human sized grave, bury the spider, and had to write a one+ page letter to the spiders parents on why their son would not be coming home.
The other was a guy who got caught with skittles and had to dig a 1'X1'X1' hole for each skittle and bury them all. Then, for the next week (or month?), had to wake up a half hour earlier than everyone else so he could go water his skittle plants every morning. crapiforgotmypasword
So Many....
A couple spring to mind:
- Someone carrying a potted plant with them everywhere they went to replace the oxygen they were wasting.
- Carrying a rock around everywhere they went to replace the ID card they lost.
I'm sure there are others I am forgetting, but these are the first I thought of. KosherCowboy0932
"SOUR SKITTLES MASTER CORPORAL"
We had a drawer in our locker that was supposed to be for something that's important to you. After a while you start running out of stuff that you feel strongly towards but this one guy put in a bag of sour skittles. Inspection time comes around and the staff opens the drawer.
"What the heck is this!?"
"SOUR SKITTLES MASTER CORPORAL"
"THIS IS WHAT'S MOST IMPORTANT TO YOU!?"
"YES MASTER CORPORAL"
"WELL YOU BETTER TRAIN IT UP THEN"
So the guy had to stand there with the bag of sour skittles and shout drill commands at it for the rest of the inspection. He'd shout "RIGHT TURN" then turn the bag to the right, throw in some left turns and about turns. Took everything in me not to crack up every time he would do it. frontpagepirate1
Not Anymore!!!
In Navy boot camp, the recruit master-at-arms is responsible for the overall cleanliness of the barracks.
During a massive shakedown of the entire company, our master-at-arms (and Navy SEAL candidate) had to go down the line and yell at each one of us "THESE FLOORS ARE DIRTY AS HELL AND I'M NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANYMORE!" while we stood there, straight-faced. mwatwe01
Scissorhands.....
Two people sharing a pair of scissors cutting grass. Each person holds on handle and work together. OneNightStandKids
GiphyWe can't say that's the easiest way to cut grass but it certainly is HILARIOUS.
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When giving a speech and making an argument, the most effective way to reach other people or get your point across is to speak with conviction.
However, speaking with conviction doesn't always mean people are speaking the truth... or even coherently.
Redditor MonkeyGentleman420 was curious to hear more stories of ludicrous things people said with unwavering conviction, leading them to ask:
"What is the stupidest thing someone has told you with complete conviction?"
We Know How Often Birds Check Clocks...
'That we set the clocks forwards and backwards so the birds don’t get confused with their migration patterns."- alliecita410
Speaking From Experience?
"'Two people can breathe underwater forever if they have a hose'."
"The first person breathes in while the second breathes out, then the first person breathes out and the second person breathes in etc'."- PahoojyMan
Dream On...
"She said:'
"'If you are dream about falling and you hit the ground in your sleep you'll actually die'."
"'It's been proven'."
"I said 'If you die in your sleep, how can anyone know what you were dreaming?'"
"Ruined a favorite story of hers."
"Sorry."- FrankieMint
falling GIFGiphyBecause ALL Cops Ask For Your SSN Before Cuffing You...
"From a coworker: 'If you don't have a social security number then the government can't do anything to you'."
"I asked if that meant, if I didn't have an SSN then I could just go kill someone on the street and the government couldn't arrest me."
"'Yep', he said, 'if you don't have an SSN then they can't enforce any laws on you'."- AllAboutThePotatoes
Keep Them Away From Needles...
"A former coworker insisted that the body believes the ears are injuries, and we are all constantly trying to heal our own ears closed."
"The only thing keeping them open, you ask?"
"Ear wax."
"We worked in healthcare."- Reflection_Secure
Credit To the Visual Effects Designer
"A girl I worked with was convinced that every single mythological creature was real."
"I’ll never forget one of her claims."
“Think about it, every movie you done seen all those creatures and aliens and sh*t, all that’s real."
"Someone has to have actually seen it to come up with that!”
"Apparently there’s no such thing as the human imagination to her."
"So yes, transformers are real, Godzilla is real, Independence Day is real."
"This was a 20-year-old that said all of this."- Dragonborn83196
Unicorn GIF by MOODMANGiphyIn Theory... Still Wrong!
"That the speed of light wasn’t like an actual number, it was just a figure of speech."- sunbearimon·
Check The Date...
"Sunburn is not caused by the sun, it is actually caused by sunblock."
"If you don't use sunblock then you will never be burned."
"Sunburn was created by the sun cream industry to sell their products."
"Seems easily testable, why not lie on the beach all day in one position with no sun block and see what happens?"
"Make sure you fall asleep for maximum effect."
"You go bright red and then blister to the point that you get taken to hospital for a combination of sunstroke and the beginning of shock then spend the rest of the holiday indoors face down with regular application of creams and replacement paraffin patches on the burns."
"It puts a bit of a dampener on your 2 week break."
"Sunburn is mentioned in Livy's history of the second Punic war and others over 2000 years ago which is solid proof that the 'Big Sunscreen' claim is ridiculous."
"However it would be hand-waved away by a True Believer of big Sunscreen."- Magnus_40
Sonne Sunburn GIF by Mitteldeutscher RundfunkGiphyIgnorance Is Not Always Bliss...
"A distant relative, recently retired, once told me that he was going to hire a gardener and a housekeeper because 'the government will give you a grant to pay for them now'."
"This was a few minutes after a lengthy rant about how the welfare state should be scrapped because only lazy people lose their jobs and need to claim benefits."
"The same relative, some years ago, also announced with absolute conviction that he was going to hire a neighbor as a cleaner because 'she won't have anything to do now her kids are grown up'."- Plantagenesta
The Price Of Never Looking Up!
"Pineapples aren't real."
"They're entirely manmade and do not exist in nature."- tricksterloki
ALWAYS CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR!!!
"My dad was experiencing end stage renal failure (was on dialysis at the time and has since had a transplant)."
"My best friend's boyfriend at the time looked at me dead in the eye and said he could reverse his condition with a vegan diet and that the only important organ in the body was the skin, so as long as you take good care of your skin, your other organs will function properly."
"Mind you, by the time my dad got on dialysis his kidneys were functioning at 11% and his SKIN WAS JUST FINE."- lyingintheleaves
But What Causes Cavities?
"I'm a dental hygienist."
"We had a patient come in with terrible teeth."
"They thought toothpaste caused cancer."- dilapidatedfungus
If Only...
"That women don't burp or fart, because only men have (the ability to pass) gas."
"Spoiler alert: he was horrified when I burped in front of him."- sequoia_summers
Guilt Is Easier When You Know It's Coming.
"First girlfriend was religious, and apparently it was okay that we had sex 'as long as she feels bad about it after'."
"Pre-planning regret was her loophole to do what she wanted."- Lone_Buck
season 2 famalam GIF by BBC ThreeGiphyWhen people do speak with conviction, more often than not they firmly believed what they say.
So much so, that they have trouble believing the person brave enough to correct them.
In spite of the concrete evidence thrown in front of them...
When you're in a relationship, it's important to stay alert.
Yes, you of course want to give in to love.
But when you start seeing red flags, be vigilant.
You're gut always knows more than you give it credit for.
Sometimes those flags are a sign that it's time to jump ship.
if you see them... run.
Redditor Shinfekta wanted to compare notes on why people would immediately end a relationship, so they asked:
"What red flag is an instant break up reason for you?"
The signs are always there, but I tend to put on blinders.
I need to do better.
A Big Deal
Illustration Text GIF by Jacqueline Jing LinGiphy"Someone that casually says they've cheated. There's no way around that for me."
Kitchen-Bid-8235
"Or worse when they treat cheating as somehow noble."
2diceMisplaced
Hear Me!
"Wanting and demanding my attention but not reciprocating whatsoever."
Cranky_Windlass
"My ex. She would get pissed when she would talk to me about something while I was working and I wasn’t giving her my full attention. But every time I wanted to tell her something while she was doing nothing, she would get 'ADHD distracted' and completely ignore me or interrupt me to say something completely irrelevant."
ModestMustang
"I had a friend like this! he literally completely ignored me for 6 months and then blew up at me for not responding to him within an hour. Very strange."
KindBrilliant7879
Wronged
"Never admitting a mistake."
Curious-Force5819
"I know a total hottie that is notoriously known for not being able to admit he’s wrong, sucks because he’s a gem outside of this. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a fair and responsible person in general… but he 100% can’t admit he was wrong in banter or a light argument even when he realizes he realizes he’s wrong hahaha lost confidence in him ASAP."
Zomgirlxoxo
"This is a big one, even when these types of people apologize they still pass the blame. 'I'm sorry for my behavior but you made me really angry.'"
space_being135513
Never Again
"Unmanaged mental illness. Never again."
RuggedHamster
"I was with a girl that had that and I helped her through all of it and it was so hard to deal with it all but somehow I managed but when she felt better she just left me for her best friend’s ex and I was left with all that trauma because I loved her with all my heart and soul but she was just using me to feel better… and when she broke up with her best friend’s ex she came crawling back begging me to be with her again but it was too late.. the damage has already been done and I can’t do that again even though I still love her but I can’t tell her that... sorry for venting."
d7oomy998899
Afterthought
Sad Sponge Bob GIF by SpongeBob SquarePantsGiphy"If someone makes you feel alone, that you don't matter, or if you are a second choice on most of the occasions, you need to leave."
Mycatsnameislegolas
Always know when to acknowledge your feelings.
And know when to depart.
Behavior
Andre Leon Talley Manners GIF by GIPHY NewsGiphy"How they treat animals, children, elderly, handicapped, and service workers."
"A wise man once said: judge a person not by how they treat their equals, but by how they treat their inferiors."
Major-Ad148
Just Kidding
"Being mean as their 'thing' or 'just a joke.'"
netsbr
"'I'm just sassy!'" No, you're a bi*ch."
BansheeShriek
"I’m going to be honest, with certain friends I am absolutely ruthlessly mean, to the point that people are actually concerned it’s just bullying."
"However with strangers, I’m nothing like that. And the friends that I am meant to, they do the exact same thing back to me. We also know that if we need each other, then the meanness is dropped instantly, and it’s nothing but support and love."
5tr4nGe
Well-Meaning
"Zero accountability for anything. Everything they do is absolutely justifiable because, well, they mean well."
Throw_thethrowaway
"Yeah, I was looking for this answer! And it’s true outside of romantic relationships also! I had to end a friendship over this exact behavior- it was never her fault, always the victim, and her hurtful behavior shouldn’t be addressed because she 'meant well…' but my feelings are still hurt so why don’t I matter?!"
helibear90
"This. Can't stand people who always play the victim or blame everyone else and never take accountability for what they do."
_5minutesalone
Boundaries
"This one may take a while, but I would break up if I notice them creeping over personal boundaries, and not stopping when I tell them about it."
"People cross each others' boundaries all the time. I'm happy to give the benefit of the doubt until it becomes apparent that they have no intention to respect me."
"For example, if I don't like tickles or being startled, don't do that. It's not about the tickling, it's about them respecting me. And if there's no respect, there's no relationship."
Ptatofrenchfry
Talk to Me
Sarah Jessica Parker Hbo GIF by DivorceGiphy"If I'm hearing about a problem in our relationship from someone else rather than the partner. It shows huge trust issues."
"I've seen three divorces in my life, and they all were the result of the girl venting to her mother and her friends about issues she should have discussed with her husband."
michajlo
Communication is key.
If you're not talking to you're partner, why are they you're partner?
Reddit user FunChemical3182 asked:
"What is the weirdest animal fact you know?"
Like Perry
"Platypus glow blueish green under ultraviolet light."
"They also don’t have nipples, they just exude milk from glands under the skin and the baby’s lap it up."
~ WakingOwl1
"They have electrolocation in their bills that lets them detect their food under water."
~ DrPlatypus1
"And they lay eggs."
"The more I find out about them the more I understand why people first thought they were fake."
~ Reidroshdy
"After seeing all these platypus facts I am convinced these things are aliens that have been abandoned on Earth."
~ SeattleOne206
Kapow!
"Mantis Shrimp have 16 different sets of cones. Rods and cones are in your eyes. Cones see color, rods see light and motion."
"Dogs have 2 sets of cones—green and blue. Humans have 3 sets of cones—green, blue and red."
"Mantis Shrimp are seeing colors we can't comprehend and explains why they're very colorful."
"That’s not even the strangest thing about them."
"They can also punch as fast as a .22 bullet which cause a cavitation bubble which boils the water around them at temperatures of several thousand Kelvins."
~ RigzDigz
GiphyTerrible Twos
"Cats have the mental capacity of a 2-year-old which makes a lot of sense."
~ Alive_Ad823
Cats Dragging GIFGiphyLike Tinder
"When a female sloth wants a mate she'll hang onto a tree branch and just scream."
~ Remarkable_Sink2542
GiphyGood Thing They're So Small
"Dragonflies are the most successful predators on Earth."
"When lions choose prey they have like a 10% chance of catching it."
"African painted dogs—who hunt in packs—have the highest kill rate of any mammal, successfully catching 51% of their prey."
"When a dragonfly locks onto a target, it has a 99.9% success rate!"
~ PurpleInevitable2103
GiphyOn A Swivel
"Owls have really long necks, but it's hard to notice that because their feathers are so fluffy."
~ ergonaut
GiphyWhat About Cousin It?
"Sea otters are the most densely furred animal with 600,000 to 1,000,000 hair follicles per square inch."
"Dogs have about 15,000 per square inch, humans on average are between 800 to 1,290 hairs per square inch."
~ atom1129
Giphy
Sucker Punchers
"Octopus punch other fish for no reason—so, for fun."
~ Samanthalynn8915
"There's a direct correlation between species' intelligence and dickish behavior."
~ TheDesktopNinja
Looks Are Deceiving
"Polar bear fur isn't white—it's translucent (for most frequencies of light). And they have black skin underneath."
"So polar bear fur lets all the light through to their black skin to warm them—except for a few visible frequencies to keep them camouflaged as white."
~ seedanrun
GiphyWho's Going To Attack One‽‽
"Honey badgers can turn their a**holes inside out and use the smell to deter attackers."
"Not sure what exactly has the guts to attack a honey badger, but if they have the courage to do so, the badger sure as hell isn’t gonna make it easy."
~ nonexistantauthor
GiphyBig Momma
"The Blanket Octopus exhibits the highest degree of sexual dimorphism known."
"Females: About 6 feet across."
"Males: About one inch."
~ Fabulous-Pause4154
High Times
"Dolphins will intentionally use puffer fish to get high."
~ altkaldra
"They upset blowfish so they inflate, and therefore emit poison. It gets the dolphins high. Then they pass it around, literally."
~ smack4u
"Not just the dolphins. I recently saw a video about 10 animals that like to get high. Very interesting."
~ s137leo__
"Lemurs do that with giant centipedes/millipedes too."
~ chubbyknuckles420
Fabrizio Frigeni on Unsplash
Better Than Bike Helmets
"Woodpeckers' tongues wrap around their brains to cushion them from the vibrations of slamming their face into trees all day."
~ we_made_yewww
"Their tongues also have barbs to grab bugs out of the holes."
"Their brains have additional cushioning because, you know, they spend their days smashing their face as hard as possible into trees."
~ RhynoD
Detachable Organs
"Argonauts [paper nautili] are small octopuses that are too lazy to have intercourse."
"They detach their penises and toss them into the open sea to mate with female argonauts."
"The detachable 'd*ck' is a tiny tentacle, complete with suckers and sperm, that develops in a cavity under the eye of a male argonaut [paper nautilus]."
"When it's time to mate, the tentacle explodes out of the cavity, instantly killing the male argonaut. The tentacle then swims towards a female argonaut to insert itself."
"Sexy, huh?"
~ Schwarzes__Loch
What's your favorite weird animal fact?