Sure, a career in the military is rough choice. But that doesn't mean you can't have any fun. Once and awhile punishment comes along with a few laughs. Thank God for the laughs while you're in service right? A serous career path like that definitely needs some levity. THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!!
Redditor u/ccohen_2023 wanted to hear a few giggles from service folk out there by asking.... Military personnel of reddit, what's the most hilarious punishment you've seen given out?
I once watched a private collect exhaust samples with garbage bags in the motor pool and then run them to the 1SG to turn them in, definitely hilarious. Gypsy-Fitz
"WOO HOO I'M IN SECOND PLATOON!"
When I was in Basic Training, we had a guy who ran out of the DFAC and got into the wrong platoon formation. When the DS takes roll she notices the guy is missing and asks everyone where he is. We had only been in Basic for 2 days and didn't know everyone yet but she put us all in the front leaning rest saying we should know all our battles by now. A few moments later, a DS down the line starts yelling at some kid about him not belonging to his platoon. Our DS goes over and finds out its her missing recruit and he starts getting yelled at by both DS of them for a few minutes.
Eventually, one DS comes up with the idea that every time this guy gets in formation has to hold up his hands with two fingers up (like a peace sign) and repeatedly shout "WOO HOO I'M IN SECOND PLATOON!" until the DS stops him. He did for this a couple of days, maybe a week before the DS finally told him he could stop but each time he did we all had to stifle our laughter because he went all out and screamed the line with an extremely cheery excited voice each time. Independant_Hawk
MOUSE MILK MAKES.....
Watched a notorious screw-up stand in the quad next to the bell with in his t-shirt and boxers, his t-shirt tied into a belly shirt, flexing his arms and shouting: "SIR, MOUSE MILK MAKES ME MIGHTY, SIR". For thirty minutes straight. penny_can
Not my story but a guy I knew was late to formation so the drill sergeant says to him "Those rocks are looking a bit dark" and proceeds to have him walk around flipping rocks over and putting sun block on them for a few hours. an_iron_giant
When I was in the Army, I was a 155mm howitzer section chief (E-6).
My gun crew decided they didn't want to work and live together.
When we were training for section evals, the infighting got bad. I told my gunner (E-5) to get them on the same page.
That afternoon we have some fire missions that were timed. Again, they are screwing up.
We break for chow and I have an epiphany.
At the end of the fire mission, I decide that the problem had to be the rounds we were shooting. I mean the problem couldn't possibly be with the howitzer, and my crew said they were fine, so it must be the rounds we were shooting.
During our break for chow, I talk with one of the other section chiefs and he tells me his rounds were just fine, but he was willing to trade me his rounds for mine.
For those of you who aren't privy, a 155mm Artillery round weighs 95lbs and are about 2' tall. This will give you an idea of the set up.
The other gun was about 1/3 of a mile down and there were two other guns between us.
when I told my crew we would be trading our rounds for others, they grumbled, then started to secure the ammo track. Oh no! the track stays put.
My gun crew manually carried 84 rounds out of our ammo track, across the firing point, to the other ammo track. Unloaded and reloaded their track and loaded our track.
After 84 trips over and back, with the entire battery watching, I think we found a resolution to our problem.
Funny thing, that other gun chief didn't have the 1st issue with any of those rounds and somehow, I didn't have any with his. gunbunnycb
Yakima firing center 1980.....
Yakima firing center 1980. A cook, belonging our unit found a 155mm dud HE round. Thought it was cool. Took it and put it UNDER the propane stove in the Mess truck. For safe keeping. The first sergeant, while getting a cup of coffee on the tailgate saw it. He moved everyone out, made the cook, CAREFULLY get the round out of the truck and put down. Then he put the guy in full web gear flak jacket helmet and goggles and sent him (with the round) to the top of a very steep hill,1/4 mile off. Opneckbeard
Snip, snip Here...
Some folks in my platoon had to "mow" the grass. It took 'em all day because they had to use their fingers and tear each blade. TheAlphaCoco
My DI made my division do it with fingernail clippers and a ruler. Lol. bigboog1
During my training, one portion of it required an obstacle course. For one of the puzzles you had to lay down wooden planks across platforms and bring a wheel barrel across them. Seems easy but there weren't enough planks and you had to get creative. One guy layered down a plank, walked across it and it snapped a good portion off. The instructors ganged up on him because he broke "government property."
As punishment, for the rest of the duration of the course (5 weeks) wherever he went he had to bring the portion of wood he broke off. Bathroom. Chow. Swimming pool. Ruck. Everywhere. We decorated it and wrapped some duct tape to make a handle. The best part is this guy is close to 5 feet tall. So the instructors called him Bam Bam. scrublord420_1738
You are m y Sunshine...Giphy
My personal favorite was sweeping sunshine. Someone, usually a private, pisses off a superior, but not in such a serious enough fashion that they have to involve UCMJ. If they really annoyed someone, they're usually told to get in full battle rattle (armor, helmet, pads, the full 9). Once they report in, they're given broom and are ordered to sweep the sidewalk until there's no more sunshine on it. As you can probably expect, this is going to be a very long day. Madrojian
While deployed @ camp Fallujah, two Marines got caught speeding in a clapped out Iraqi car. Their punishment was to hold sign that said slow down. pic
Most punishments I saw outside of NJPs were just straight up physical punishment and were only funny because I was not getting punished. truss84
Skuzzbrush (sp?) - noun - little hand brush they give you in Marine bootcamp to clean the floors.
Our drill instructors made one of the recruits push the brush as fast as he could across the squad bay floor- back and forth - without anything other than his feet touching the ground. This was completely normal and a daily occurrence for all of us. The difference this time was this recruit was caught laughing.
So he was forced to clean the floors alone; with all of the platoon watching from "on the line"...while he was required to scream "WEEEEEE" in a loud girly falsetto voice for like 15 minutes. It started out hilarious, but he got tired quick and it got hard to watch.
"STOP! NOW LAY AN EGG"
One Sunday during bootcamp we were supposed to be cleaning the barracks, so naturally, nobody was doing anything. One of the guys in my platoon got up on one of the footlockers and was squatting on top of it and started saying "Yo, check it out I'm a bird". At that moment we heard "AT EASE" as a Drill Sergeant walked in, gaze transfixed on this dude still squatting on top of the footlocker. Drill Sergeant says to him "Okay you wanna be a bird, huh? Get down here".
Dude hops off and the DS makes him run around the barracks squawking like a bird. Mid-flight the DS stops him and says "STOP! NOW LAY AN EGG" so the dude promptly squats down and lets out the FATTEST fart I've heard in a long time. There was not a single soul in those barracks that wasn't dying. A million push-ups from everyone immediately followed. kevingo8450
SUCK IT UP!!!
There was this dude who failed field day (where your barracks room has to be inspection ready) due to the inspecting SNCO finding dust.
During the next formation after we broke into our squads for PT, I saw his squad leader hand him a vacuum cleaner. When they stepped off to go on 5 mile run, they started singing cadence..."AAAHHHHH SUCK IT UP!! (SUCK IT UP)!!!! SUCK IT UP!!! (SUCK IT UP)!!!" Nukular-Weapons
I was in an "integrated division" during boot camp, meaning we had men and women in our division. We had separate barracks across the hall from one another, and because the RDCs (instructors) could be in either one, and you had men and women coming and going to speak with them, we had a strict rule about always having at least the PT uniform (shorts, t shirts, and tennis shoes) on unless you were in the head (bathroom/showers).
One guy forgot, and walked out of the showers with his shirt tossed over his shoulder and Senior Chief saw him before he got to his bunk.
"I'M FABIO, LOOK AT ME!"
"HOLY CRAP RECRUIT. YOU MUST THINK YOU'RE MODEL OR SOMETHING. WHO GAVE YOU PERMISSION TO STRUT ACROSS MY DAMN DECK?"
He took a plain white undershirt, drew fake abs and chest hair on it, and made the guy march up and down the halls shouting "I'M FABIO, LOOK AT ME" for a half hour before making him do mountain climbers until we went to mess. ShoddyBiscotti1
RIP... Private Dustin.Giphy
When i was on BMQ my roommate had a decent sized dust bunny under his bed. leadership made him name it, preserve it and have it inspection ready every morning.
RIP... Private Dustin. jeffrk
These are stories from another similar thread, but they are too good not to share.
One was a guy who's DI caught him swatting a spider. He was made to dig a 6' deep human sized grave, bury the spider, and had to write a one+ page letter to the spiders parents on why their son would not be coming home.
The other was a guy who got caught with skittles and had to dig a 1'X1'X1' hole for each skittle and bury them all. Then, for the next week (or month?), had to wake up a half hour earlier than everyone else so he could go water his skittle plants every morning. crapiforgotmypasword
A couple spring to mind:
- Someone carrying a potted plant with them everywhere they went to replace the oxygen they were wasting.
- Carrying a rock around everywhere they went to replace the ID card they lost.
I'm sure there are others I am forgetting, but these are the first I thought of. KosherCowboy0932
"SOUR SKITTLES MASTER CORPORAL"
We had a drawer in our locker that was supposed to be for something that's important to you. After a while you start running out of stuff that you feel strongly towards but this one guy put in a bag of sour skittles. Inspection time comes around and the staff opens the drawer.
"What the heck is this!?"
"SOUR SKITTLES MASTER CORPORAL"
"THIS IS WHAT'S MOST IMPORTANT TO YOU!?"
"YES MASTER CORPORAL"
"WELL YOU BETTER TRAIN IT UP THEN"
So the guy had to stand there with the bag of sour skittles and shout drill commands at it for the rest of the inspection. He'd shout "RIGHT TURN" then turn the bag to the right, throw in some left turns and about turns. Took everything in me not to crack up every time he would do it. frontpagepirate1
In Navy boot camp, the recruit master-at-arms is responsible for the overall cleanliness of the barracks.
During a massive shakedown of the entire company, our master-at-arms (and Navy SEAL candidate) had to go down the line and yell at each one of us "THESE FLOORS ARE DIRTY AS HELL AND I'M NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANYMORE!" while we stood there, straight-faced. mwatwe01
Two people sharing a pair of scissors cutting grass. Each person holds on handle and work together. OneNightStandKids
Remember way back when the internet wasn't a flaming dumpster fire?
Yeah, us either.
The internet has always been a mess, but it's also always been beautiful.
It connects people, ideas, senses or humor, creativity! Yes, we've got our fair share of deviants, murderers, and trashbag people, but we've also got decades of wonder to celebrate.
Newbies like to think using the internet for awesomeness is something they came up with, but the old heads are here to tell you the internet has ALWAYS been a complicated crash course in the coolest stuff ever.
So let's hop in the wayback machine and get our nostalgia on.
Reddit user ransom0374 asked:
"What do you miss from early internet times?"
So let's take that walk down memory lane, or if you're new-ish here on planet Earth, this is going to be a fun little "history" lesson.
If you're uncertain where you fall, here's a test:
"Badger, Badger, Badger, Badger..."
If you finished the song, you're probably going to remember quite a few of these...
"AIM away messages saying stupid stuff like 'BRB going to get some bagel bites.' "
"Don't forget to update your personal profile with Blink 182 lyrics and the initials of your school sweetheart and some ASCII. Browse for a new inappropriate buddy icon and strike up a convo with SmarterChild"Giphy
"I miss the wild unknown frontier that the internet was."
"It seemed there was so much discovery to be had on the internet, and if you were good at the internet everyone thought of you as 'Hackerman' and you were like a God amongst your peers."
"It seems like there isn't anything 'new' on the internet anymore. No discoveries to be made."Giphy
The Irony Is Not Lost On Us
"Variety. There's a popular tweet that says something like 'the internet has turned into four websites where on each one people share screenshots of the other three.' "
"I miss when you could search a term and there would be dozens of sites dedicated to it or forums especially for it. Now it's just ads, Wikipedia, and Reddit."
"Oh, and not having ads shoved down your throat every time you search a term or navigate to a page!"
"I know there were pop ups and banners, which weren't any better. But there was a sweet spot."
"There was a few years there where you could Google something and half the first page WASN'T sponsored ads that had nothing to do with what you looked up. And you could go to a website and it DIDN'T block the page with a full screen ad asking for your email to join their mailing list or save 10% on their merchandise."Giphy
Figuring It Out
"That all the webpages were just random people trying to figure out HTML."
"There really wasn't a corporate presence at all. It was just a place for people to experiment."
"You could click on a button and make a cardboard hand wave at someone's cats. You could dispense a coke from a machine in some dorm. It was dumb and fun."Giphy
"The learning was endless."
"There were almost an infinite source of information from all over the world. If you wanted to find something all you had to do was search for it in Ask Jeeves or whatever and you'd find any website that had ever mentioned that thing."
"There were more than 10 different websites. And at least it didn't feel like I was being forced to sign up for a subscription after every click."
"There were so many fun, cute stores to shop. Now it feels like everyone dresses and decorates the same."
"I miss a lot of things about the early internet. I'm probably wrong, but it just felt safer than it does now?"Giphy
"I was in my late teens when the internet was becoming accessible to everyone. Our one household computer was in the kitchen & facing in a way so anyone coming in could see your screen."
"I remember looking at someone's website and my Dad passing by to get something to eat, asking me if the person on the website was my friend."
"I miss those old days! The internet seemed endless & friendly."Giphy
A Base Level For Participation
"Most people were smart."
"In the early days (by far) most people on the internet were in college, either as a teacher or student. Beyond that, people had to to be in a lab or make their computer talk to a connected computer which was not so easy in the old days."
"It acted as a sort of intelligence barrier one needed clear to participate in internet things."
"Higher barrier to entry."
"I remember the fond days of SLIP and Trumpet Winsock when you had to know at least a little about tech to get on and participate."
"There was still stupidity, but it just wasn't as loud as it is now."
"In the very very early days, pre-AOL, you needed skill and knowledge to get online."
"Then AOL came onto the scene an d anyone could get online at the push of a button."Giphy
Go Away Now
"I miss when what happened on the internet, stayed on the internet."
"You could turn off the beige box and go about the rest of your day without it affecting you."
"The fact that is only existed on a big computer in the house, as long as no-one was on the phone. It wasn't some all-encompassing thing."
"The internet not following me around. When you logged off, you effectively put the internet away."Giphy
It Used To Be...
"How people used to treat it."
"The internet was not just a novelty, but an amazing piece of technology that let anyone share anything. It was so wholesome and loving, with everyone still being amazed at what we could do now."
"Now? There's so many websites that are designed to make you angry and radicalize your beliefs. It's quantity over quality."
"There was a time when nobody on Reddit shared politics, when Facebook was for socializing, when YouTube was where people uploaded stuff they were passionate about."Giphy
We Used To Love Yahoo
"I can't remember what it was called, but Yahoo had this great music video program where it showed popular artists, and some very unknown folks."
"I discovered some of my favorite artists having it play in the background all the time."
"Launchcast/Yahoo Radio. It was revolutionary for music streaming and the 1-5 star system worked really well. I preferred it over Pandora's up/down system."Giphy
On a personal level, I want to go on record and say MusicMatch was the greatest music program in the history of life.
It just was.
I will die on this hill.
It was dopeness in all forms. MusicMatch Jukebox? Dope. Yahoo MusicMatch? Dope.
So what relics from Ye Olde Internet are you passionate about? Sound off in the comments!
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Never miss another big, odd, funny or heartbreaking moment again.
No one wants war.
Who is going to light the powder keg and set it all off?
Which country will start WW3? Why?
Does anyone really want to start another world war?
They may not have a choice in the matter.
Getting It Out Of The Way Early
"Austrian here, we will do it again probably, I would like to say sorry in advance! Most plausible reason at the moment is because Germans eat schnitzel with sauce on top, then this conflict will spiral out again into WW3."
"Third time's the charm!"
-Some Austrian, probably
Civil War 2: Electric Boogaloo
"It'll be a civil war that devolves into a world war, with no one country clearly responsible for this change."
"But we'll blame it all on germany again, right"
Why I Oughtta...
"At this point, there are enough nukes in the world to ensure that a World War would simply result in nuclear annihilation on all sides. Say what you want about authoritarians like Xi Jinping, Kim Jung Un, and Ali Khameni, they are many things; but they're not suicidal. They know that an all out war would just end everyone, including them, so they're not going to. This is why the US and the USSR never went to all out war, despite coming close a few times; the risks were just too great for both sides."
"What could easily happen, however, is another cold war, this time between the US and China. And like in the Cold War, there could be proxy wars fought as a result of it, but it's unlikely that any country will take the insane risks of starting World War 3."
A full-blown world war is a tricky thing to get off the ground, that is if anyone wants it. The leading cause to impending war could come out of nowhere, or somewhere completely unexpected, or perhaps it will never come.
2-Day War Delivery
"Bruh its gunna be Amazon, not a country"
"Jeff Bezos finna be dropping Amazon basics nukes on us"
Can It Even Happen?
"I don't think the world can handle another world war. simply for the sake that we're all so interconnected. every major nation trades with each other and are in bed with each other. I would be a detriment to whatever country starts a war."
"Think about how the global supply chain has been impacted by the pandemic, the world would probably cease to function all together in a major conflict."
"There was a quote I liked, I think it was from Dan Carlin. He said that leading up to WWI Europe had become too economically entwined to go to war with itself, but none of the economists were invited to the war councils. The generals making the decisions didn't understand the situation so they made dumb decisions. The situation is undoubtably more-so interconnected today, the question is, do we have economists making the call on starting wars?"
A Little Humor Before We Get To The Serious Stuff...
"Probably America, I mean they made Wonder Woman 1 & 2, so highly likely they'd make WW3. At least start it. Not sure why someone else would finish it."
"No, they don't know how to count.. They jumped from WW1 to WW84."
Is it in the realm of possibility? Possibly.
After all, people will be people.
Anyone Else Surprised? No?
"America have a surplus of military might, a recent history of starting wars for profit, EVERYTHING is politicised and extreme nationalism and xenophobia are normalised within the populace. I'm going with them."
These All Feel Tangible
"My guesses would be 1) USA vs China over Taiwan or 2) China vs India (a lot on tension there that doesn't get a lot of news attention)"
"India-Pakistan and China-India are hot beds."
"India and Pakistan have been at war numerous times since their inception. 5 'official' wars and 9 minor skirmishes, to be exact. The last conflict ended with a ceasefire in 2003, but the last incident was a series of skirmishes along the Line of Control in Kashmir, from November 2020 to February 2021."
"Neither is capable of a full-fledged invasion of the other, so it's limited to border disputes. And while Pakistan does have nukes, it would be suicide to use them. There's no incentive for any other countries to get involved."
Going For It
"China making a move on Taiwan or some other land grab in India or other bordering countries."
An Infectious Idea
"India and Pakistan. It will spread to China, then North Korea (or North Korea first) and pull in many others in Asia. This will pull in NATO, either directly or via global partners (Australia)."
This One Makes WAY Too Much Sense
"Twitter. Someone will probably make a typo that everyone takes the wrong way..."
Well, what do you think could happen? Let us know in the comments.
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So let's talk about how a dog owner on Facebook learned her dog's "adorable" behavior was, in fact, furious masturbation.
Readers, if you know anything about me you know I love a good plot twist and I love chonky puppers.
Yesterday, life combined my two great loves in a hilarious and inappropriate way.
I was mindlessly scrolling through my dog groups on Facebook when a video with a few hundred laugh reacts but almost no comments caught my eye.
The still from the video was a pudgy little Frenchie, so obviously I had to read and watch.
The dogs owner shared the video along with a post asking professionals to shed some light on why he does what he does.
Owner-obliviousness as they gushed about how adorable it was made the awkward even better.
The owner explained the Frenchie often makes aggressive eye contact and licks his lips while he "plays air guitar"—which is what the family calls it—and how cute & funny they all find the behavior.
The video was the dog, casually chilling, using his paw to rub the tip of his penis while staring awkwardly at the camera and licking his lips like a pup possessed.
Three hundred and fifteen laugh-reacts—at the time that I saw it—and only three comments:
1. a vet explaining that the behavior showed in the video was the dog masturbating while making direct eye contact
2. the owner giving a simple "thank you" and
3. the admins of the group closing the comments.
So, why am I sharing this with you?
Because Reddit user Drakmamman asked:
"Dog owners of reddit, what the dog doin?"
... and so now you get this whole article just so I had an excuse to tell y'all about a furiously fapping Frenchie, 'cause somebody else needed to know about him.
I cackled for a good 20 minutes imagining the family getting all giddy about their dog "playing air guitar"—making the little air guitar meedly squeedly noises while he played, maybe even playing along thinking they're enjoying a fun little game—but they're really just been giving a hair metal soundtrack to their dogs stroke sesh.
Something tells me now the owner knows what "air guitar" really is, they're not likely to rush and tell Reddit all about how they've been gathering as a family to watch cause it's just so cute.
That's what I'm here for.
Anyway, here's the stuff other people's dogs are up to. It's not fapping—or if it is, the owners aren't telling Reddit.
"Wife just came home with the baby. Dog is acting like she's been abandoned for years running up and down, barking and jumping on everything."
"They'd only been out an hour and I was with her the whole time." - Single_Goose7015
"My dog does this too when my wife comes home. Like what am I, chopped liver?" - jackof47trades
"I feel your pain. My dog started howling mournfully when my partner went back to work last week… I was right there!" - TreatOutside
"Staring at the door waiting for the only human he cares about to come home (obviously not me)" - SnarkyRedhead
"Probably trying to herd the cats."
"He's a border collie mix who's afraid of goats and sheep, but even after six years of living with them he still thinks he can control where the cats go."
"He's a good boy, he's very persistent, but not terribly bright sometimes." - TokesNotHigh
"After 8 years our border collie still herds the cats, and the vacuum." - psychologicaluse28
"Big heart, small brain. I have one of those dogs too. They are the sweetest." - Technobucket
"She has flung herself flat across the bed and is playing dead, quiet except for the occasional pitiful whine. Every now and then she lifts her head up and fixes a desperate look upon me, silently begging for release from her wretched existence."
"She's a bit overdramatic about having to wear a cone. The issue is an abrasion on a toe that she won't stop licking, which is making it worse."
"I've been alternating between bandaging it and having her wear a cone. She's been consistently a drama queen." - halfinboxes
"Staring at me because their dinner time is in one hour and they need to start letting me know that, in an hour, they need to eat...in an hour, so I better not forget...cuz they're hungry, which is why they're staring at me...and it's almost dinner time."
"Just one more hour, And they want to make sure I don't forget. Because maybe I will."
"So, they need to remind me. By staring at me. Every day. One hour before dinner." - MotherOfFred
A Little "Light" ExerciseGiphy
"Mine loves light reflected off watches or phones. And loves lasers."
"It's sunny and he sees light on the wall so he is bothering me to use my watch or phone so he can chase the light. I've spent the last hour doing it."
"I even got him a cat laser toy that's automatic for him and he runs himself tired as all hell with it. But he is STILL asking for it."
"Used the laser toy also too, so he is panting dripping tongue and still wants to play more..." - boomgoon
"Last night my dogs chased down and killed a rabbit in the backyard. They are usually so gentle; this was weird and unexpected."
"I watched the whole thing helpless because it was so fast. The rabbit screamed, it was insane."
"Now, I'm watching them sleep on my couch and can't help but think they just murdered someone."
"They are just vicious predators, right here, in my house. On my couch."
"But they snuggly as f*ck. This trips me out." - Atheist_Redditor
A Problematic PrincessGiphy
"We have two chihuahuas. One is a 15 year old (quite appropriately) named Princess and one is a one year old named Charlie."
"Both have their own dog beds on the couch since they are spoiled."
"When Princess is feeling particularly moody or like asserting her dominance, she will drag Charlie's bed into her bed and lay on top of BOTH of them and snarl at him if he comes close to her personal space bubble/bed mountain."
"And when we tell her she can't have both beds and put his bed back to the side, she just glares at us. Lol." - mslm90
"She's currently in her cage resting after her great adventure."
"She managed to get upstairs and grab a hold of one of my shoes. Not just any old shoe, but one of the shoes I am planning to wear this weekend for my wedding."
"After running around, she dropped the shoe to chew on a shirt - at which point she was cornered, and then brought downstairs."
"Pup and shoe are both unharmed and doing well. My nerves, not so much." - still_interesting23
So ... what's YOUR dog been up to lately?
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Have you ever fantasized about what it would be like to win the lottery? Having money for the rest of your life, as far as the eye can see, to cover your expenses.
And have you thought about all the things you would buy if you could really afford them? Are they ALL practical things, or are some of them silly?
We always love to fantasize about what life would be like if money were no object. And you are not alone!
Redditor OnlyVillager asked:
"If you won the lottery, what's something 'useless' that you would buy?"
Here were some of those answers.
I Be The Witch Of The Wood
"My teenage daughter disclosed to me the other day that her biggest life goal is to buy a house on an acreage that has a large wooded area."
"She plans to build me a house in the woods, fund whatever ridiculous bullsh*t art installations I want to erect in the woods, then spread rumors in neighboring towns that a witch lives back there."
"She's the best."-OpossumJesusHasRisen
My Kingdom For A Castle
"I'm blowing it all on a castle. No, not one of those fairy tale mansions from the 19th century robber barons called 'castles'.
"A fully loaded, honest-to-god, obsolete, medieval fortress. Two curtain walls, a keep, towers, barbican, portcullis, murderholes, loopholes, machicolations, the works. It'll be a well warmed summer retreat/place to hide out if another plague hits the world."
"I'm buying Au Train island in the Upper Peninsula to be specific. When the feds finally come after billionaires to pay their fair share, I'm running to my island and sealing the gates behind me."
"So I can get my affairs in order and pay my taxes. What were you thinking I was gonna do? Hide from the IRS? They can breach any castle lmao."-DaemonTheRoguePrince
I Wanna Be A Billionaire
- "I want a cold water dispenser on my desk. It has to be connected to the water line, filtered and cooled. Ideally it also has that thing that automatically knows when the container is almost full."
- "My new lifestyle would be to live 4 weeks in a different city, then 1 week at home. In each city, I would stay in a Luxury Airbnb or a five star hotel."
- "I would hire a professional soccer coach. I'm talking someone that trains pro players. I'm Arab and I'm tired of not being good at soccer, just a few months of lessons and I'll be able to participate in pick up games and have fun."
- "I would also hire singing, guitar and piano instructors. Singing would be the toughest because my voice sucks, but I figure with time I can be good enough to sing a song if I want to reference it. That's how bad I am today."-Reformedjerk
Imagine just not having to think when you click the "purchase" button.
A Nice Siesta
"Maybe not exactly "useless" in the way people are thinking (the way the question is asked makes me think by "useless" they mean "stupid/wasteful" but I'm thinking in terms of things that are fun and only for the purpose of having fun), but do vacations count?"
"If I had that much money all to myself, I would 100% rather have a regular sized house/car and spend the money on experiences instead."
"The idea of having a normal life but knowing that I can just decide to take the day off and go to DisneyLand or treat myself to a fancy dinner whenever the hell I want to is a fantasy I've had since I was literally a little kid."
"I get that those aren't useful things because they're not things I could USE like a car/house/purse/etc, but I'd definitely be happy:)"-StreetIndependence62
"Well this stuff is only useless if there isn't some sort of apocalyptic event that happens in my lifetime."
"That said, I'd go full prepper and bury myself a bunker in the desert with tons of food and water stored away and decked out with solar panels, a garage full of electric cars, and a stash of every sort of modern electronic equipment available in vast quantities."
"So this would be a huge waste of money if there's never an apocalypse. But it would be very valuable to me if there happens to be one."-TimHawks1983
"I have always wanted a talking toilet. I don't even know why at this point. I just saw it on a tv show, don't even remember what, and since that day I have thought 'yes, I want this.'"
"But right now, with my paupers wage, I cannot afford such a thing. I have a lot of serious plans for lottery level money. I would open a shelter for homeless people and start my own dog shelter. As well as my own theme park."
"But I would still get a talking toilet."-MagnificentColossus
Put Your Bird On My Shoulder
"I would get into falconry, vintage guitars from the 50s and 60s, a live in Cook, most of the surfaces that I touch would be marble, and I would save a significant portion of my money to split between investments and gambling on riskier stocks."
"Depending on how much money a private jet would be in the cards as well as a flight license. This is one of my favorite things to daydream about"-freemason777
The best part of all of this is, it doesn't matter that these things are useless.
They bring us joy, and that is what matters.
"Boring" "Flame Thrower"???
"Definitely a boring company flame thrower. And a Barrett M82."
"Probably a supercar too, but not to drive it. I want to light it on fire in a public space as an appeal to consumerism right before I go take a private jet to Nappa Valley to eat at the French Laundry and get hammered on the most expensive bottles of wine I can find."-xdylanxfrommyspace
"There are many things I bought that I regretted it immediately. I love to try new stuff. Especially no-brand or brand that is not famous. My curiosity is very high, that is the problem."
"I wanted to know whether those products are okay for human being. For example, I bought BioAqua face products. The most product I regret is BioAqua aloe vera. After my third use of the product, I actually experience worst allergic in the world."
"My skin had a lot of red patches appeared in just few hours. It was itchy but not painful. Just I keep scratching my skin but I tried my best to control it."
"It took about three - five days to keep it clear with medication and creams. Then after a couple of weeks, I decided to use it again. I got the reaction."
"Thankfully, I still have the medication and the cream. So, I took it immediately. I also did not apply the cream that much compared to previous time."
"I still have the aloe vera bottle in my room. I wanted to throw it but I could not throw it. Yet, I cannot use it and yes, I feel sad when I saw it. So, you can understand how I feel."-nimbledealing53
Hobby Hobby Hobby!
"If I won the lottery - I would open a shop for my favorite hobby. I would manage it like a business, giving a decent wage to several workers allowing them to pursue a degree or whatever and have a job that doesn't suck."
"I'd lose money on running a store. But I'd enjoy it. I'd enjoy sharing my hobby, selling the stuff I love at reasonable prices and giving a few young people a good job in a stress free environment."
"Useless store, great life experience for the people I'd employ."-Dealthagar
Money doesn't solve all of the world's problems or all of a person's problems, even—but it certainly does make life a little easier here and there for those who need it.
Hopefully the 21st century sees all of us buying things with our millions of dollars.
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