Mental Health Professionals Share 'Small' Things Parents Do That Mess Up Their Kids Down The Road

Even the best and most well intentioned parents can pass along bad or detrimental habits to their children. This can often confuse people who otherwise love their parents––why do they act the way they act or feel the way they do? And what about parents who don't necessarily have the best interest of their children at heart?
After Redditor FriendlySkyChild asked the online community, "Mental Health professionals, what "small" things do parents do that gives their kids mental health issues later in life?" people weighed in with their insights.
"The biggest one I see..."
The biggest one I see is parents who refuse to take accountability for their mistakes. Honestly, it's not a huge deal if a parent f**ks up-- no one's perfect. It becomes a big deal when they refuse to admit they did something wrong and then blame their kid as a way of covering up their mistakes.
"Coming in and out of their lives..."
-Choosing when to give love to your child or making them "earn" it.
-Coming in and out of their lives on a whim.
-Constantly bringing up body image issues especially theirs (but then buy them junk food).
"Being in and out of their life..."
Mental health professional here.
- Being in and out of their life, causing them to feel depressed and question their self-worth because their own parent doesn't want to be with them. Just be all the way in or all the way out. What I'm referring to are parents that show up when it's convenient here and there. Obviously divorced parents with split custody can only do so much.
- Punishing them for making honest mistakes, causing anxiety if they aren't perfect. Additionally, never giving them consequences for anything at all, creating a sense of entitlement.
- Doing everything for them and never allowing them to make their own decisions, which teaches them no responsibility or problem solving skills.
- Enabling them to continue to make poor choices by defending them all the time. More entitlement and narcissism as they get older.
- Only acknowledging when they do something wrong, and rarely praising them. Again, more anxiety about not being perfect. Additionally, only praising their efforts in things you like, rather than praising all their efforts.
- Being aware of abuse and not only allowing it to continue, but to do nothing to advocate for your child, or trying to sweep it under the rug. Or being the one perpetrating the abuse. PTSD and all its components come into play here.
- Sharing your adult problems with them. More anxiety when they feel like they have to fix your problems. There is such a thing as "adult conversations." To clarify, I don't believe there is a golden age to talk with your kids about mature topics. All kids handle this differently. Some like to help and be part of the family decisions, and some cannot handle when they can't help. It's one thing to talk about financials with teens so they understand money doesn't grow on trees. It's another thing to talk to a 6 year old about how you can't pay rent and might end up homeless.
- Projecting your hopes and dreams on them. Maybe little Johnny doesn't want to be a lawyer. Let's not riddle him with depression because he hates his life because you forced him to live out your dream instead of his own.
- Not apologizing when you're wrong. This leads to the child thinking that everything is their fault anytime something goes wrong.
Even if they don't end up with a mental health diagnosis, we don't want them being maladjusted adults when they're older.
Also, just because you've experienced these things, it doesn't automatically mean you are/will be damaged. How we behave as adults is purely our responsibility. If you're experiencing poor mental health as a result of these things, or anything else for that matter, seek professional help. If you feel like you've adjusted fine even with having these experiences, that's great!
"My parents have never once in my life..."
Admit your own mistakes. My parents have never once in my life told me "I'm sorry I did that" and my GOD is every single conversation we have a fu**ing battle because they just refuse. To. Apologise. Seriously, teach your kids some humility.
"There are so many things..."
Family therapist/program manager for multiple OP sites.
There are so many things - but I'm into my second gin and tonic and I'm going to angry vent about the ones that piss me off the most:
- Don't punish your child for the behavior you asked them for. For example, if you want your kid to talk to you more don't yell at them when they share things that are scary and uncomfortable. If you want your child to spend more time with the family don't make sh!tty comments about them when they come down.
- Don't parentify your child. Don't tell them about your bills, relationships. What their A**hole parent did. Don't use them as an outlet - it is not their job to support you.
- Don't withdraw your affection as punishment. Love from a parent is a right, not a privilege. Doesn't matter how much trouble they get into - you can discipline and love a child at the same time.
There are more - but the bottom line is that your kids should know you like them. You think they are fun and interesting. You can sit through difficult and uncomfortable moments with them. You can respond to their crisis without becoming the crisis.
I adore the kids we serve. And the parents for the most part. But sometimes it feels like you're watching a death by a million cuts when parents continue to hurt their children in these little ways all the time.
"The amount of kids..."
I worked in a level 3 lock down facility for kids to rehabilitate for a few months. The amount of kids shipped off in the middle of the night simply because their parents didn't want to deal with it was unreal. And then you find out this is what the parents did with everything. Any time the kids had any kind of problem, no matter how small, the parents would avoid dealing with and wonder how their 15 year old got hooked on meth.
If your kid has a problem, talk to them. Let them vent, let them be sad, or upset or confused. Ask your kids how they're doing and actually mean it, open up those lines of communication because I saw too many kids say, "its not like anyone cares what I do anyway" and it's so sad to hear.
"If there are a lot of problem behaviors..."
Credentials: I am a therapist specializing in treating traumatized children. I also see children who aren't traumatized and adults.
Answer: Characterizing behavior as bratty, manipulative, or attention-seeking, especially out loud where your kids can hear you. Kids want one, single, goddamn thing on this earth, and that's to please their caregivers. If they knew how to do it reliably with good behavior, THEY WOULD. If there are a lot of problem behaviors, there's a lot of problem parenting.
"Projecting your own anxieties..."
Counselor here. A few thoughts:
- Not setting appropriate boundaries (too many, too few, too rigid, or overly permissive)
- Inappropriate disclosure (kids shouldn't know about their parents marital conflict, money problems, etc. No emotional dumping)
- Someone kind of already said this, but negative views about oneself (diet culture/negative body image, negative self talk)
- Not helping a kid identify their feelings related to their behaviors. Related, not allowing kids to appropriately express full range of emotions. Invalidation.
- Age inappropriate expectations
- Not apologizing
- Stigmatizing mental health
- Projecting your own anxieties onto them/not being able to manage own anxieties.
"It's so simple..."
I am a licensed play therapist. It's so simple, but just acknowledging your child's feelings. "I can see you're feeling sad." "You're angry at me right now." "You're scared." It helps children so, so, so much with mental health in the future, because they grow into adults who understand and can express their emotions. It gives children a foundation of empathy and understanding from which to build healthy relationships with other people in the future. It's critical and only takes a minute.
"Pressure to perform."
Ex-counsellor here.
- Not allowing 'negative' emotions like anger, jealousy, etc. Teach them those are normal, and what to do with your emotions.
- Pressure to perform. Don't try and make your kids something they're not, especially if it's what you wished you were.
- Never letting them find the consequences of their mistakes. You might want to protect them, but you're stopping them from learning how to avoid mistakes, and how to recover from them, and how to deal if other people make mistakes.
- Not dealing with and owning your own sh!t. We've all got problems, best to deal with it rather than perpetuate cycles. Find a therapist for yourself, and be open with your kid that you know, and you're trying your best. It gives them space to learn grace and how to deal with their issues.
"Using your children..."
Using your children as an emotional punching bag.
Comparing your childhood to theirs.
Hitting the roof over a tiny mistake.
Blaming them for your mistakes.
"Don't ever tell a kid..."
Don't ever tell a kid they are fake cryong when they are upset. My mum thought I was some master manipulator as a child and would always hit me with the "you don't deserve to cry, I should be crying."
It messes you up.
"When a closeted kid..."
When a closeted kid hears homophobic comments from their parents. That hurts.
"Parents should uplift their kids..."
Emotional abuse. Parents should uplift their kids instead of looking down on them and telling them that they'll never going to succeed.
"If your kids can't talk to you..."
Freaking out over everything. If your kids can't talk to you, can't admit their mistakes to you, can't seek out your help without you screeching and throwing a fit, you're not giving them a healthy environment to live in.
"It's usually the small deficiencies and traits..."
It's usually the small deficiencies and traits: Adults that lack communicative and expressive skills and overly defensive behaviour creates insecure children that inherit said traits and often depressive tendencies.
"Saying one thing today..."
Psychologist here. One word; inconsistency.
Saying one thing today and the next day something else makes it impossible for a child to properly learn how to attach themself to others. Plus, for a child its insafe and it will go in "worst case scenario"-mode (high in arousal). When not learned, people can develop nasty coping strategies to deal with unstable childhood.
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It's highly believed that it is important to learn history as a means to improve our future.
What is often overlooked is that what is taught in history class is going to be very different depending on where you went to school.
And this isn't just internationally, even different regions of the United states will likely have very different lessons on American history.
This frequently results in our learning fascinating, heartbreaking and horrifying historical facts which our middle or high school history teachers neglected to teach us.
Redditor Acherontia_atropos91 was curious to learn things people either wished they had learned, or believe they should have learned, in their school history class, leading them to ask:
What isn’t taught in history class but should be?
The Irish Troubles
"The troubles."
"Too many people in America do not understand why a wall straight through Ireland would be a BAD idea."
"I’m referring to the Brexit referendum and possible outcomes."
"If people were wondering why we were talking about walls through Ireland in the first place."- CLCVS.
Forgotten elements of World War II
"What the Japanese did to the Chinese during WW2."
"Unit 731."- CaptainMcBoogerJew.
"Japan gets off easy for their war crimes in WW2."
"They killed an estimated 16mil Chinese civilians and another 8mil soldiers"
"Also, Pol Pot."
"Didn't know who he was until I was like 25."
"Worst dictator all time (in terms of percentage of population he decimated)".
The truth about the American Revolution
"That the American Revolution was part of a wider cold war type of conflict with France."
"The American Revolution was basically the UK's equivalent of the US version of Vietnam."- vinsant7.
The Dark side of Swedish history.
"As a Swede, I'd like to know more of all the horrible sh*t my country has done throughout history."
"It's a damn shame we're trying to hide our history."
"For example, Swedes killed a metric sh*t ton of all Polish people when we were at our strongest."
"That's the kinda sh*t we don't get to learn."- mogwandayy.
Colonization
"Basically what Belgium did to the Congo."
"A lot of people are telling me that they are taught about this actually."
"I'm glad to hear it because I wasn't taught about this in the USA during my public school days (1995-2008)."- EconArch.
The truth about "heroes".
"While teaching about historical Heroes they should also tell students about the unspeakable things some of them did."
"Many famous figures throughout history who are pillars of morality actually did many terrible things." - User Deleted
Intolerance for Mental Illness
"The dark history of mental illness treatments."
"I think it's worth learning about."- 7dayexcerpt.
Slavic Mythology
"Slavic mythology in Slavic countries."
"Don't get me wrong, I love both Greek & Roman mythology and as a person from the Balkans both of those cultures are part of my country's history and had great influence over not only my region but the entirety of the continent & the western world but I wouldn't mind knowing more about Slavic mythology as well."- ShorsShezzarine.
The truth about the CIA
"How the CIA was made and all the shady things they did over the years."- ALargeChip.
There is a lot about the history of our world, not to mention our own country which shouldn't be ignored.
And it's from learning from our mistakes that we really improve our future.
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So apparently we are in the endemic phase of this nonsense.
We have light at the end of the tunnel.
So what now?
Where do we go from here?
Normal seems like an outdated word.
How do we get back to normal though?
Is it even possible?
What are reaching back to?
Life pre-Covid.
Those were the days.
If only we could bring them back.
Redditor hetravelingsong wanted to discuss our new normal in this hopeful "endemic" phase. So they asked:
"What’s something random you miss about pre-COVID times?"
I miss people being sane. Though that maybe election cycle issues not COVID. We'll never know.
I thought I was Alone...
"Being able to grocery shop after 11 pm."
Reading_Rainboner
"Hell yes. I miss the days where the Walmart across the street was open 24 hours."
Small_Tax_9432
let's just go...
"I miss spontaneity... everything now seems to have a barrier of difficulty."
iidosee
"I live very close to Disneyland so I have an annual pass. My friends and I would just go there after work and hang out and grab a bite to eat."
"Now, we have to reserve a day to go. And most of the time, the days are at 'full' capacity so we couldn't even reserve. I don't want to schedule to hang out at Disneyland for a couple hours for July. So yeah, I definitely miss the 'lets go eat at Disneyland tonight?' texts."
mymymissmai
Not til 24-25
"Functioning global supply chains. Ah, the product you want has got microchips in it? 9 month wait."
richard-king
"Minimum, I'd been saying for a while now that I wouldn't expect a true return to normalcy in terms of electronics prices till 2024-2025. Although Crypto crashing through the floor really took some of the pressure off graphics cards which I really appreciate."
statiiic
WTF?!?!
"How affordable everything was!"
Disastrous_Hour_6776
"Yep. Today I was bagging up my things at the grocery store and I heard the cashier say to the lady behind me 'thats $78.12.' She had -- 2 boxes of Kellogg's corn flakes, a carton of 12 eggs, milk, strawberries, raspberries, blue berries, a small cheese cake, English muffins, coffee, and a small whole frozen chicken that could maybe feed 3 people if the meat portioning was small."
SnowyInuk
Sushi
"My favorite sushi place. It was good quality, close by, kid-friendly, and not too expensive."
InannasPocket
All of this... it was a simpler time.
NASTY
"As a retail worker, just how f**king NASTY some people have gotten."
DmitriPetrov*itch
"They applauded you for being an essential worker but won’t vote for policies that’ll raise minimum wage while insisting a wage cap for heavily paid employees."
sketchysketchist
CHANGES your DNA...
"Some of the people closest to me became very bitter and petty over the last 2 years. So many people have the 'crazy eyes' now."
__--__7
"So true and holidays with the family is like who has the biggest tinfoil hat building contest. How many jumps does your brain have to go through to think that the Covid vaccine CHANGES your DNA into the patented DNA so that the government now controls your body."
"So like vaccinated people now have a singular DNA set. I feel like I still have a chunk of my brain just broken off due to that comment alone. I was also told by same family member that I could never donate blood again due to the vaccine. I guess it is so my patented DNA doesn't affect people?? FYI my vaccinated butt just donated today fine and multiple other times after the vaccine."
tyreka13
Homeward Bound
"House prices."
adrianinked
"I'm resigned to never thinking I have a chance on owning property where I live. I'm 30 and just can't imagine it anymore. And I don't want to live anywhere else so, whatever."
Osdab2daf
"That didn’t happen because of the pandemic. That was already happening regardless."
CH11DW
Oh Mickey
"All Day Breakfast at McDonalds."
hutch2522
"It was honestly hell to do, and not very popular. ITs margins aren't anywhere dinner and lunch specials. ON top of that, the temperatures are such that They require its own grill, meaning that if you have 2 grills in shop, you are down 50% of lunch capacity."
Freyas_Follower
Way back when...
"Hanging out with friends. And I mean waaaaaay before Covid. Like 2006 back when I had some friends."
LoocsinatasYT
I miss the old days. Maybe we'll get back there.
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What do you believe?
Is there a GOD in the sky?
Is he guiding us and helping us?
Life is really hard. Why is that is a big entity is up there loving us?
Atheists have taken a lot of heat for what feels like shunning GOD.
What if they've been right all along?
Maybe let's take a listen and see what they really think.
Redditor __Jacob______ wanted to hear from the people who don't really believe all that "God" stuff. They asked:
"Atheists, what do you believe in?"
I'm waffling between G-O-D and nothing. So please give me some education.
911
"We need to look out for each other because help isn't coming."
cknipe
Peace Out
"More than 2 decades ago, a priest was giving a sermon in my church and he said 'our faith requires you to believe without question. Why call it faith if you have to ask questions?' I haven't returned to church. Not until my wedding day but you know what I mean."
asiangontear
Delusion
"When I was young I used to think that after death you would have access to a PC that you could see absolutely anything about your life. Stats, any question you had no matter how obscure, replays of moments, perspectives of others in relation to you. No matter what you wanted to know, if it was relatable to you, you could see it. I know it's silly, but as time goes on I just want it to be real, and I don't think I'd have any issue allowing myself to fall into that delusion."
eggwardpenisglands
I think nothing happens...
"Realistically, I think nothing happens. We literally experience nothing after death. Same thing that we experience before birth. We don't exist, so it's nothing. I think the tenant that we should follow while living is to try to be happy and healthy while minimizing the damage we do to each other."
"What I would LIKE to happen after death is whatever you believe in, exists. I think Christians should get to go to heaven if they truly believe in it, Hindus and Buddhists get reincarnated, and everyone else also gets to experience what they believe they will experience."
"'I would still experience Nothing. Maybe it's one of those things where at the moment of death their brain makes them experience what feels like an infinitely long moment in time where they experience their afterlife. I just think it would be neat for everybody."
Better_Meat_
Shrug
"Best advice I received from a dear senior on their way out. 'You win some, you lose some' shrug. Nothing divine, life is that simple and wonderful, accept it and move on."
Tune_Kindly
It all sounds pretty simple. Why are people so up in arms about Atheists?
Whatever
"I believe in a universe that doesn't care, and people that do."
imCIK
Cool with Empty
"Nothing. [Serious]."
rumblingtummy29
"I feel this way about death. When I was 5, my grandfather died and my cousin simple said, he is dead, that means you are gone forever. Everything ends up dying, even plants and animals. I'm now in my 40's and still have this simplistic view of life and death. People think I'm ambivalent to life and death but it's just what it is."
thepigfish82
puppet-masters...
"I think a lot of religious people struggle with the fact that we are all just swirling units of chaos. There is no grand plan or great orchestrator. I think that’s why people who are prone to religion are also susceptible to things like Q anon and the Cabal and all that. They REALLY want to believe that there is some almighty puppet-master who determines all of humanity’s fate."
Lngtmelrker
“we’re living in a society!”
"Just be a kind and empathetic person not because you’re worried about some cosmic justice, but because it’s the right thing to do. If there is some being that created us there’s no way they actually care about believing in it or adhering to some rules from over 2000 years ago."
"Also a big thing for me is that I find the idea that you need religion or the Bible in order to have morals and ethics pretty dumb. It’s pretty f**king clear that most evangelicals have neither. But my main thing is being a good person simply because, as George Costanza once said we’re living in a society!' If you’re only a good person in order to make it to heaven you probably aren’t actually a good and moral person."
conservative_genius
That's All
"You're born. You live. You die. That's it. After you die you cease to exist, the same as before you were born."
serefina
Believe what you want. We're all here together. So let's focus there.
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The list of what irritates me is endless.
I mean... breathing too loud or dust can set me off.
I'm a bit unstable, yes.
But I'm not alone.
So let's discuss.
Redditor Aburntbagel6 wanted to hear about all the times many of us just couldn't control our disdain. They asked:
"What never fails to piss you off?"
I feel like this article can go on forever. Let's get some highlights.
Wasted Time
"Meetings that could and should have been an email."
Sirena609
Lotto People
"Getting stuck behind people playing the lottery at a corner store."
thenuggetlover
"I also used to work in a gas station and you’re SO right. I f**king hated the lottery people. Especially since my store had a small staff and there was usually only one of us working at a time, which meant that I couldn’t get any of my other work done as long as they were there."
"And you’re right, it’s also pretty sad to watch. I had one lady who used to come in every day and spent hundreds and HUNDREDS of dollars on scratch tickets. One day, she won $200 after spending probably around $600 and she was so excited and saying she can 'finally pay her bills.'"
i-am-your-god-now
Aware...
"No situational awareness. Job, home, shopping, driving. Think for one minute and go about. OBSERVE!!"
Dizzy-Foundation8122
"My mom is one of those people who leave the shopping cart in the middle of the damn aisle and proceed to walk twenty feet away. After correcting her a million times to no effect I just walk away now so people don’t know I’m with her."
OutrageousEvent
Shut Up!
"Endless barking in the middle of the night, I love animals but that sh*t I can't stand."
Acceptable-Lemon2924
"Endless barking in general drives me up a wall. One of my friends dogs was barking almost an entire gaming session the other day. I wanted to reach through the computer and smack him for letting it go on."
bangersnmash13
Kindness
"People being mean to service workers, especially if the workers are very young."'
scaryboilednoodles
All of these things. I hate them all.
Admit It
"People who never accept fault when they mess something up. Like, why blame a million people when it was clearly you who did it???"
Quirky-Area-8978
From Above
"My upstairs neighbors."
lutzow89
"I had terrible neighbors at my previous apartment. It was a one person studio for students, but her boyfriend was clearly living with her illegally and he was loud."
"One night we knocked n the door at 3 AM because of the loud music and an unknown girl opened the door. I just thought they were having a little party. But the next door I saw the girl living there come home with a suitcase after having been away for the weekend... Her BF was cheating on her in her own apartment."
Th3_Accountant
Move Away
"People who sit directly next to me at the airport, movie theater, any other place where you can choose a seat when there is PLENTY of other seating."
BacardiPardy33
"I can’t YES this enough and the ones who can’t park for crap so they park so close you can’t open doors on one side of the car or the ones who park directly behind when you pulled through so the door won’t open to load groceries."
BacardiPardy33
It's Over
"People who try to restart old drama. Like I'm done with you, just leave me alone."
Tired_Potatos
"Yep, half the reason I've basically quit playing one of my favorite online video games. People keep bringing old crap up or sh*tting on on someone who used to be our friend. I got tired of it so I just ejected the game out of me."
CaucasianHumus
AHHHHH!!!
"People walking too slow in front of me with no way to get around them. It’s even worse if it’s a couple or group taking up the whole sidewalk. HAVE SOME SPATIAL AWARENESS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!"
_-v0x-_
Life in general pisses me off. I'm easy.
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