Ah, massages. This very legitimate therapeutic technique has been around for nearly as long as human beings.
But now it's been co-opted by so much erotica and so many movies that it seems to constantly provided weirdo creeps with a place to actualize their fantasies.
Real life massage therapists have plenty of run-ins with said weirdo creeps. PSA: happy ending massages are NOT to be expected. Sex work does not equal therapeutic medical techniques.
u/Tracewell asked, "Massage Therapists of Reddit what is the creepiest thing to ever happen to you while giving a client a massage?"
GLAM IS NOT DEAD
We usually leave the room to let the clients strip down into underwear before we commence, but with this guy I had no chance to get away. Before I had time to give him a towel he dropped his pants to reveal a sparkling blue G-string that barely kept everything in place. The guy was about 58, huge beer gut, grey hair, gold earring, and hairy like Robin Williams.
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Pay Me My Money
At the end of the third session as I was massaging his neck while hes on his back he just started pleasuring ghimself. I was kind of shocked in the moment and didn't know what to do. I stood up and said I have to go. Was fairly awkward waiting for him to get dressed so i could pack my table and get my money and leave.
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Gonna Need a Bigger Wad Than That
One day this male client books a massage for himself with our male therapist, Ed.
This fu**er flips over, hands Ed a wad a cash from who knows where saying "That's for you," and starts to pleasure himself off. Ed promptly said "Alright your appointment is done they'll take care of you at the front desk" and books it out of there. Dude pays leaves with no problem.
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A Happy Ending Rejection Play-By-Play
The conversation goes like this:
Creepy dude: "You do happy ending?"
Me: "No."
CD: "Why not?"
Me: "Because that's disgusting and unprofessional."
CD: "I pay extra"
Me: "We're done here."
Taking Liberties, Are We?
My wife and I were at a small resort in Costa Rica. This time we decided to get a couple's massage.
The time came to do my butt, she moved the towel down and started working my cheeks. Then the inside of my cheeks, which I thought was odd, but I'm new to this massage world and maybe that's what a deep tissue was. At this time I'm starting to feel, not relaxed but insecure. I suddenly become aware of my wife next to me who sounds more then relaxed.
Meanwhile back at my butt, she was really doing the inside of the cheeks well. I had hoped this was the last spot she would do, the last thing I want is butt cheek sweat rubbed all over my body. Then started to press down on my actual anus. I felt pressure building up behind her thumb. I clench, and I clench like I never have before. I spin around and say very politely thank you for the massage.
Whatever Gets You Goin'
Someone I know (they are female) said that while doing a Brazilian wax on a male he climaxed. She just wiped it up and remained professional. Idk how
Those eyes. Those EYES.
This one dude though kept folding the sheet down to just under his nipples. I would keep moving him and adjusting the sheet but he would eventually fold it back down. The edge of the sheet perfectly underlined his nipples and I just kept getting distracted by them... they were like 2 eyes staring at me.
(Grossest Thing I've Heard In Days)
One day she had a guy in his late 30's early 40's come in for a back massage. When he took off his shirt, his back was literally blackhead central. Like there wasn't one spot in which he DIDN'T have a blackhead, and her hand was slathered in gross juice and pus when she tried to massage him. She just gave up after that.
Welp, Everything Seems To Be In Order Here
Well one day I receive a call from a man asking if im available. He said he would like a massage at his office in the middle of downtown.
After 30mins, I started to get a sense that something is off. I would glide my hands to more intimate areas but he keep talking casually. Most guys would pop a tent, or ask to be massaged near their groin. But he was talking about his wife and daughters.
Then starting going on about his relationship with this guy and how they have a very strong friendship and that they would constantly prank each other.
This guy thinks this a legit massage! This was suppose to be a prank that somehow got way to advance without any party knowing. Hence, why I'm in the middle of a tech office and he is so non chalant about everything.
The excuses people use to dismiss behavior range from mundane and meaningless to the sort of leaps normally reserved for kangaroos and Olympians. It's sometimes amazing that these excuses work - but they do.
Some of them work so well that they're just sort of "accepted." That, obviously, kind of sucks and is something we should avoid - so let's talk about 'em.
Can't swerve around what you don't see, ya know?
Reddit user TMTtasmachine asked:
What's the biggest excuse used for a-hole behavior that shouldn't be accepted as much as it is?
... and away we go.
Jerk Privileges
" 'That's just how they are.' "
"One of the biggest enablers for tantrum throwing, bullying, etc. is that they get treated with kid gloves to avoid dealing with them." - alexrt87
"Oh my God you hit the nail on the head. Whenever someone says 'that's just the way they are' I say:"
" 'Yes, that's the point! Glad you noticed too! Now is it okey-doke for them to be jerks they have special jerk privileges? Or maybe they are just people and should treat everyone else as such?' " - notatrumpchump
"It depends on how it's said."
"People are the way that they are, and you shouldn't be surprised when they continue to be that way."
"This, obviously, doesn't excuse it - but people also shouldn't be surprised when a bad person continues to make bad decisions. Neither should we waste space in our minds being bothered by it." - unlawfulfoxy
Harassment Isn't Humor
season 2 lol GIF by ShamelessGiphy" 'It's just a joke, bro.' Harassing people isn't humor." - loading__99
"Schrödinger's Douchebag"
"A guy who says/does offensive things and decides whether he was joking based on the reaction of people around him." - Eatsleeptren
"Dude, legit had someone come up to me and start shouting in my face, calling me Madison, pretending I was cheating on him. Literally the most crowded location outside a theater, everyone staring at us, looking at me like I was some horrible cheater while I was out with my then fiancé."
"I started hyperventilating, my fiancé nearly decked the dude, and then someone shouts 'CUT' like this is some big 'YOU'RE ON CANDID CAMERA' moment and everything's supposed to be okay."
"I burst into tears."
"It was the most humiliating moment of my life, and thank god my then fiancé, now husband is not the type to overreact or jump to conclusions, or be abusive. Imagine how bad that could have been for someone with an angry or abusive partner."
"Prank videos are a plague on the internet and there is a REASON so many of them are fake, or involve actors." - Darkovika
Stay Sober, Then!
Drunk Drinking Beer GIFGiphy" 'I was drunk / high / etc.' "
"Then don't drink?! Stay sober if you can't NOT be an a**hole!" - BasedBenjamin
"Alternately, I hear a lot of 'I'm a happy drunk!' "
"Yeah, according to your drunk a$s. That doesn't mean you're not an ahole. Not remembering is not an excuse either." - PepeBabinski
"I was that guy. I swore I was a 'happy drunk' - and I was. It was everyone ELSE who was miserable while I was happy."
"I was also loud, obnoxious, and I wouldn't remember sh*t the next day."
"Quitting drinking has been one of my best choices of my life." - TTungsteNN
"Help"
new girl coach GIFGiphy" 'I'm just trying to help you' " - Miserable-Air1234
"Every time I've heard this, they're manipulating me while helping only themselves." - mykittenfarts
"My Mom to a T. Everything she does is better than anyone else's and she always gets pissed that people don't praise her for 'helping.' "
"She's now a certified (by herself) psychic and I have come to the conclusion that she's not a covert narcissist but an obvious one. I really wish I was joking." - Silent_Discussion657
Parenting Problems
Leave Me Alone Run GIF by TLC EuropeGiphy"Any variation of 'I'm a Mother/parent.' "
"Had some lady cut me in line at a coffee shop and she hit me with 'I'm a single Mom of 3!' as her excuse."
"Ok? And? I was still here first." - maid-for-hire
"I'm a single mom and I f*cking haaaate when other single moms/parents pull that sh*t to get special treatment."
"Last week, I was having a rough morning, my kid was being difficult, and I was running late. I was rude to a cashier over a minor inconvenience."
"Not only did I apologize for my shitty behavior, I wrote corporate to let them know how professional and patient she was while I acted like a f*cking toddler."
"Was being a parent part of the reason I was frustrated? Absolutely. Was it an excuse for that behavior? HELL no."
"I acted like a b*tch, and I called myself out, and I apologized. I still feel bad about that - I rarely let things get to me to the point I snap at others." - ClusterfckyShtshow
"Wow. I'm a Mom as well and tired but it doesn't give anyone a right to use it as some sort of ploy to get away with stuff."
"Like, mice become Moms about 12 times a year. You're not special 🤣" - SpoonLoops
Believing Your Boss
The Office Monday GIF by 20th Century Fox Home EntertainmentGiphy"I had a boss say some really racist sh*t around me one day and the next day, out of nowhere, he says:"
" 'Don't believe half the things that come out of my mouth!' "
"It was not really an excuse, more like trying to cover for himself after the fact, but still stuck with me." - sirlongbottom441
"Report them to HR. Seriously." - kokichi--ouma
"Looking past the racist stuff for a bit, that's not a very encouraging thing to hear from a boss…" - WonderfulBlackberry9
Bad Day Again
Bad Day Reaction GIF by Schitt's CreekGiphy" 'I'm having a bad day/week' "
"Okay, so you decide everybody that you interact with deserves the same fate? Get out of here, dude." - myordinaryexistence
"We all got stress, don't take it out on me. I get some people have stress bad enough for it to be passable every once and a while (family member passing, etc) but general, stress should not lead to you being a jerk to me." - willsimpforfree
"Damn, I'm definitely guilty of this. Usually I remember to apologize after but at this point I've learned to just avoid the situation in the first place by minimizing my interaction with people if I'm in a shitty mood." - nozzzrul
"Reminds me of when that White boy went on a murder rampage and killed a bunch of Asian women & that a-hole sheriff gave a press conference telling the media that the 'poor boy had a bad day.' "
"My idea of a bad day involves going home after a rough day at work and just staying in the house."
"Apparently, I should change my ethnicity from Asian to White and go on a murder rampage, see if my @ss gets a sympathetic sheriff to say on my behalf that I had 'a bad day.' " - kingkazul400
It's Not An Excuse
Season 2 Reaction GIF by FriendsGiphy"This won't go down well, but using depression as an excuse. As someone who suffers from it, it's still not ok to treat others like sh*t" - Rainbowwallstickers
"Could not agree enough. My partner has a 'friend' who treats everyone like sh*t all the time, has no consideration for others and openly mocks people in public."
"She gets so much grace from those around her under the guise of her 'mental health.' It's so infuriating watching an adult woman never have to take responsibility for her actions." - 34boor
"I get there are some things you can't control, but you are still responsible for keeping that sh*t in check and if you're aware of your mental illness, you should be aware of how you approach people and situations."
"I'll admit I used to be guilty of using my mental illness to be an @ss, but now I'm trying to better myself" - VeeSquibbles
Florida Gonna Florida
Looney Tunes Florida GIFGiphy"People are letting Florida off the hook way too damn much. And I live in Florida."
"Just because it's hilarious doesn't mean it isn't still completely f*cked up." - AlphaWhiskeyOscar
"The phrase 'Florida Man' is almost always followed some heinous way a Floridian is being an a$$hole." - PepeBabinski
"I'm also originally from Florida, and that state has serious problems. We need to pay attention to it." - [Reddit]
Moment of honesty ... as a Floridian ... yeaaaah, I'm gonna have to agree with that last one.