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People Admit The Red Flags They Completely Missed In Their Romantic Relationships

People Admit The Red Flags They Completely Missed In Their Romantic Relationships

People Admit The Red Flags They Completely Missed In Their Romantic Relationships

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HL Mencken famously said, "Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?" It's a line that's been often quoted and adapted by many, including award winning actress and singer Cher. Cher also said, "The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing - and then marry him."

The idea of marriage definitely has some detractors, but for many people, it's still a life goal. So for those people, how about a little advice?

Reddit user flyoverthemooon asked "Redditors who realized their spouse is a completely different person after marriage, were there any red flags that you ignored while dating? If so, what were they?"

Here's some of the signs to watch out for in the quest for an everlasting love.

Old Habits

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She cheated (on the person she was with) to be with me.

As it begins, so it ends. Always.

Uncaring

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Yes, I ignored some pretty big red flags and to this day I am not sure why I went ahead with the marriage. The first was ignoring the fact that he was texting this one girl and lying about it. The texts didn't seem too crazy (at first) but he would still lie and say things like I wasn't texting her or I just had a question about work. Then I also ignored when leading up to the wedding and him leaving for boot camp, he seemed to just not care anymore. He was already starting to get too big of a head because he had lost so much weight. Then on our wedding day he ignored me pretty much the entire reception. His excuse was I want to hang out with my friends because I am leaving for boot camp in three days. I should've just annulled the marriage right there, but I stuck around for another year and a half and it only got worse. Found girls clothes in our room after visiting my family in our home state and then coming back to our apt. He would tell me my opinions didn't matter because I was nothing but a civilian. Ended after a year and a half of marriage. He still tells people I left him because he was deploying and I didn't want to wait for him. 6 years later and I am much happier than I was then.

Mommy Dearest

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He didn't necessarily change, but I woke up to an issue. His mother is overly involved. She wants to come stay weekends with us without warning. When he told her he had proposed she told him he should've waited. She was bitchy at our wedding. And when we told her I was pregnant she also said we should've waited. So...basically she has a negative opinion on us. He is a momma's boy too, so I bet it hurts, but he won't admit. I just wish she'd butt out.

Never Again

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My ex, when we first started going out, would have a little too much to drink every few months. She would say each time, as I was holding her over the toilet, "Never again."

Well about 10 years later it was still happening. She ended up meeting some girlfriends that were? all of the same well-lubricated frame of mind. Things got very messy after that and I felt that I was no longer an equal partner, but a babysitter. When that happens, there really is no way of coming back.

Twinning

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My first wife had an identical twin. Do you want to be a third wheel the rest of your life? Marry a twin.

Take Your Time

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This was the case with my parents: my mother didn't discover my father's mental problems until later. The why is that they got married way too fast, two months, and bipolar disorders have natural ups and downs. She had only seen the up.

Textbook example of why you shouldn't marry unless you've been with the person for a while.

Just a Trophy

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The pictures. We had to take a million pictures of us doing stuff, any stuff.

Everything was on social media with a picture, every post was "my marine..." Every conversation was about her being a Marine girlfriend, etc.

It was all for show, I was a trophy.

When we got married she quit going to school and quit her well paying job. When she'd meet people and they asked what she did she said she was a military wife, etc.

We divorced and she has a kid now and everything is about being a mom. She just changed situations as far as I can tell.

Sometimes the Most Obvious Explanation...

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The biggest one for me was finding a condom wrapper in the trash. It was only my fiancée and I living there and we didn't use condoms. I was heartbroken and when I confronted her later that day she told me that she found one while cleaning our "adult drawer" and wondered if she could put her foot in it.

At the time it seemed to be a perfectly reasonable explanation, or I was just so afraid of the truth and heartbreak that I desperately wanted to believe something that wouldn't be painful. We married a year later, and after 5 months of marriage I caught her in a web of lies that led to a co-worker's house. Even after getting upset with her and telling her it was over I had a change of heart and asked her to see a marriage counselor with me. She refused and left me for my coworker.

Red Flag Factory

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I'm the kid of two fairly narcissistic people. The red flags I've learned to avoid from growing up in my house were.

-Blaming trivial things on each other.

-A need to physically break something when angry.

-Attention seeking behavior. Seen my father throw himself down stairs or start chugging liquor just to get a reaction from my mom. Especially if it's a "I'm totally going to kill myself unless you intervene" moment.

-Selfishness. Like going out for food and never asking or offering anything to anyone else.

-Drug abuse. Not regular drug use, but using drugs to cope with emotions that should normally be confronted. (Ex. Im mad or I cant deal with the situation so I need to drink/smoke!, etc...)

-Hiding money, on the flip side needing to hide money because one person spends all of it leaving you high and dry come time to pay bills.

-Prioritizing one's happiness over everyone else's. For example planning every vacation around one person's likes and dislikes. This is a HUGE red flag IMO.

-Total inability to take responsibility for anything. Literally everything bad is someone else's fault.

-Inversely, taking credit for anything positive.

-Vindictive behavior. Can't count how many times I've seen my father break my mother's stuff because he knew it would upset her.

-Saying things you don't mean with the specific intent of upsetting someone.

-Treating others like their only purpose is to entertain you.

I basically grew up in a red flag factory.

It Didn't Start Until After the I Do

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We lived together a number of years before we got married. We went together really well and I thought it was a good match, almost the day after we were married his family decided to set rules (he bought the house that we all lived in, it was large enough and we had the basement suite) we weren't allowed out after a certain time, his mother and father could berate me as much as they pleased. He himself became very controlling, I wasn't allowed to finish school or work and he would use these to mock and guilt me after saying I was a burden and a leech, a golddigger. They all decided for me that I would have his children and we would all stay in the house together, soon after I was taken off birth control I was no longer allowed out of the house without an escort, I wasn't allowed to see my mother more than once a week. Everyone thought we were the perfect couple, I was isolated and after my mom moved away I had no one to turn to. He gained a lot of weight and started to tell me how fat and unattractive I was, he started looking at a lot of escort ads for Asian women, he brought over 'friends for me' (16 year old girls) he met on myspace and then would drool over them.

I never had his baby, we were married when I was 19 and I was gone by 25. I ran away in the middle of the night. I never tried to get alimony or spousal support, I left all of my belongings behind. He still has made the process of divorce difficult and I am almost 31 now, it's finally going through. He still lives in the basement.

I had no idea what I was walking into and I lived with them all for years before the control started. It was unbelievable how fast they changed.

Is My Flag Red?

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Is it a red flag if I never skip these kinds of threads because I'm looking to see if I'm actually in a good relationship? Because I have no f'ing clue what I'm doing.

Vote of No Confidence

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Telling her girlfriends personal things about you. I don't mean the size of your (insert whatever here), but the things you confided in her about, like the abuse you suffered as a child or that your insecurities. Always comparing you to her successful friends or family members. Questioning every decision you make. Every single one. Shooting down every suggestion or decision, until one of her friends or family makes the SAME exact suggestion or decision.

Neato

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When I met my husband he was a bit of a neat freak, and that didn't bother me but I later found out that it was because his first wife was verbally abusive (in my opinion). She'd make him feel worthless, call him stupid, ugly, etc. I guess he tried to please her by always having things just right.

She ended up cheating and leaving. He and I met shortly thereafter. Well I went the opposite direction, told him he's perfect, just be yourself and don't worry about being a neat freak etc.

He's still my perfect guy almost 20 years later... but he doesn't clean a damn thing anymore and I almost regret talking him out of that behavior because it clearly wasn't his natural tendency to be neat!

Gut Feeling

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That feeling in your gut, like a silent tug that something isn't right, but you ignore it because you so desperately want someone to love you and be in love. Well, that feeling will eat away at you, until it becomes too big to ignore, and the only choice left is to see how things really are; not how you want them to be. Don't ignore your gut.

Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde

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He was a chameleon.

We dated all through college, and he seemed like a great guy. We had an awesome group of friends, the same interests, his family was amazing. In four years we never had an argument. I thought our communication was perfect. He could be a little jealous, but it seemed endearing at the time. He proposed, I waited for him through Ranger school, and we got married shortly after he completed. We were babies. I was 21, he was 22.

His first duty station was on the other side of the country, and when we got there - it was all new people. He changed completely. What I had loved about him, was the personality he picked up from hanging around other people I enjoyed. It wasn't him at all.

It happened by slow degrees. Small changes which went from an incredible relationship to an abusive one.

Coping is a Mechanism

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Same as others. Immediate family relationships were overlooked/ignored. Her parents were gigantic enablers. Her parents didn't believe in counseling. Since her father was a drug rep, there was a pill for everything. As soon as we had our first kid, stress and anxiety showed its face. She turned to Xanax and Ambien. She never learned any coping skills. I was 29 when we divorced.

Run, Run, Runaway

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She didn't finish high school.

After we got married I found out that she couldn't see anything moderately difficult through to the end. Including our marriage.

She ghosted me while I was at work 3 years 3 months 1 week and 3 days in. I haven't seen her since.

Lies, Lies, Lies, Yeah...

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Several lies were told at the beginning but there was always an explanation and a story for it. Previous divorce but didn't spend much time with their kids. Caught several times still on dating apps but said they were just friends to keep in touch with. Never admitted to any faults of their own and all of the previous failed relationships were always the other person's fault. Couldn't keep the same group of friends. Very charismatic but couldn't keep a story straight.

Believe What They Tell You

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The biggest red flag was immediately after I proposed she said "Are you sure? Because I'm f'ing crazy", then laughed.

There is truth behind most humor. Later she was diagnosed with PTSD from a physically and mentally abusive relationship that she got into shortly after her father died relatively young and unexpectedly.

She has extensive professional experience caring for people with severe mental disorders and in retrospect I felt like she knew how to mask her symptoms well. For example, she let on that she was capable of setting healthy boundaries for herself, and that she was emotionally strong and independent (I am attracted to both of those traits), but the opposite is true.

While she isn't crazy (what does that really mean in any sort of constructive sense anyway), she masked or minimized a lot of issues she deals with at first, became dependent, and then physically aggressive and emotionally abusive towards me. After she physically restrained me and wouldn't let me leave a room until she was done screaming at me, I told her physical aggression was a deal breaker, and said if she gets physical again it's over. She told me she would get physically aggressive again (she sounded almost proud of it actually).

She did. I stayed true to my word. The divorce should be finalized next month.

Mirror, Mirror

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Yeah, she was really worried about some of my female friends stealing me away from her. To the point of not allowing me to interact with them. "It's not that I don't trust you, it's that I don't trust her!"

Yeah, she cheated on me.

The Weirdest Reasons Guys Suddenly Lost Interest In A Crush

Reddit user Romeothanh asked: 'Men who suddenly lost your interest in someone but for a weird reason, what was it?'

coffee date
Jonathan J. Castellon/Unsplash

Infatuation is a curious thing.

One moment, you can be swept up in major adoration for someone to such a degree that you can't stop thinking about them.

But the next moment, you may suddenly find yourself moving on.

What is it that drives someone to lose their lust for their former object of affection?

Curious to hear from strangers who experienced going from hot to cold in casual dating, Redditor Romeothanh asked:

"Men who suddenly lost your interest in someone but for a weird reason, what was it??"

Questionable behaviors were seen as major turn-offs.

Poor Parenting

"The way she treated her children, her boy was permitted everything and her daughter had to follow very strict rules."

"I didn't have to ask to know what was going on, the boy's real father wasn't her ex-husband but a guy she had an affair with at work, her daughter was really from her ex-husband. She was always resentful of her upbringing and then her marriage for impeding some kind of dreamed life she thought she was entitled to. So the boy was seen as a piece of that dream and the girl was a piece of her boring life but she was also reliving her childhood through her and pushing her to excel in sports, school and manners and reveling in her daughter's accomplishments as if they were hers."

– Telesto1087

Past Grievances

"She accused me of cheating on her in a past life."

"I told her 'I don’t remember that.'”

– Breloren

"Sounds like something someone who cheated in a past life would say!"

– thefirecrest

At Least She Washes Her Hands...

"She spat in her hands and rubbed them together because she 'needed to wash them.' I cannot describe the colossal speed at which that switch turned off."

– whitesebastian

"Was she some sort of 1930’s farm hand or construction worker?"

– valueduser

There were some serious red flags.

Schadenfreude

"A elderly gentlemen fell in front of us, he took a nasty fall."

"She found it hilarious, instead of helping she just stood there laughing. I helped that person out and I felt so embarrassed for her behavior."

"Also that was the last time I saw her. It was a major turn off for me."

– oxide-NL

Good Guy Vs. Bad Guy

"I invited the girl from my psych course I'd been vibing with to a party. Her car rolled up and I came out to greet her, but it was a dude's car, and she was drunkenly making out with him as I walked up. I didn't flip out or anything, but she slurred her way through some weird attempt at reassuring me that I shouldn't worry, 'cause she was only sleeping with him to punish him because he was a bad guy (apparently that's a thing she does), and that I was a good guy. I didn't ask what happened to good guys. I felt bad for her date, whom she completely ignored the rest of the night. As for the girl, she ended up totally engrossed with the party host's gerbil, tapping on the glass of its cage whispering how she wanted to kill it. I found somewhere new to sit in psych class for the rest of the semester."

– MissionofQorma

I'm Generous And You're Gonna Like It

"She kept buying me stuff. It was nice at first but she kept doing it weekly and demanded I give gifts in return. I asked her to stop and she said "nope this is what I do." Felt like she didn't even care about what I wanted."

– Dry-Enthusiasm3515

Easiest Breakup Ever

"It was a really horrible relationship even this aside but my 'wow i think i actually hate this person' moment was when we were at Badlands National Park. We were just walking out of the gift shop with some other woman when she just let go of the door and it like slammed into that womans face. I said to her 'omg im so sorry' then when we got to the car i said to my gf in like a joking tone 'i cant beliehe you didnt hold the door for her haha' and because she was a very very miserable person all the time this makes her mad and she goes 'well YOURE the man youre supposed to hold the door. I dont NEED to hold the door for anybody' and yeah that one statement alone was very... eye opening for me."

"Seriously the easiest least heartbreaking break up ive ever gone through."

– ILoveTikkaMasala

The Cat Recognized Evil

"My cat didn't like her."

"Brought her home to introduce her to my parents, she meets my childhood cat and. It. Goes. Psychotic. Just for her reaching down to pat him, he panicked, attached himself to her arm, and wouldn't let go, just clawing at her like he found a demon to fight or something. When he eventually detached himself (they were both running around the room screaming as she tried to wave him off her arm) I checked her over and he did some damage. He's never reacted like that to anyone before or since. We broke it off shortly later."

"I found out a few years ago she was in the court system. Why? She tried to kill her own kid. I didn't dodge a bullet because of my cat, I dodged an artillery shell."

– GryphonicOwl

It's not me, it's you.

So Rude

"She didn’t hold the door open to people just meeting her at the door, would let it slam on people behind her, didn’t do the little thank you wave to other cars that let her out, didn’t say please and thank you to serving staff. She wasn’t overtly rude, she just had a bit of a me,me,me vibe."

– Hellenicparadise

Norwegian Love

"She told me she was pregnant and it was mine, 2 days after sleeping with me for the first (and only) time. Then proceeded to tell me she had a boyfriend."

"I should have twigged earlier really. She flew from Norway to sleep with me and flew back the next day."

– Perseus73

Face Reveal

"I’d been talking to this girl in class I thought was really cool. We ended up going for a bite after class one day and she suggested we go hang out in my dorm room. Hell yeah."

"Then she took off her glasses and she looked exactly like my mom. It was so jarring I excused myself to the bathroom to regroup, but when I came back I couldn’t unsee my mom’s face on her."

"I made some lame excuse and went back alone. I felt bad about bailing on her but I also how the hell would I tell her the real reason? Either she thinks I’m a weirdo or thinks I’m saying she looks like she’s in her fifties."

– OneSmoothCactus

Don't Speak

"My mate ghosted a girl simply because he didn't like her cadence when she spoke."

– Random-chick-98

My shallowest moment was years ago when I ghosted a hot tennis player I was dating because he had a particularly annoying gait.

Anytime we would walk around the city (in New York), he would gradually lean into me and prevent us from walking a straight path.

I thought he was deliberately trying to get close but it turned out that one of his legs was shorter than the other resulting in him taking uneven steps.

When he explained his situation, it weirded me out.

I didn't have the heart to tell him why I could no longer see him, so I just stopped responding to his incessant messages about when we were meeting next.

I remain regretful to this day about my immature behavior, and I wish him the best wherever he is.

golden balance weighing scale

Piret Ilver on Unsplash

A double standard is defined as:

"a code or policy that favors one group or person over another"

However not all double standards are formalized. Most of the double standards individuals face daily are based on customs, stereotypes, traditions or other less formal societal codes of conduct.

Double standards are inherently unfair to one or sometimes both parties.

They may exert control or compliance with gender or socioeconomic stereotypes on everyone or serve to repress one group while favoring the other. But they shouldn't be confused with all unequal rules.

The sign at the amusement park that says "you must be this tall to ride" is there for a very good reason.

Double standards fail to pass any logic test, with some being more ridiculous than others.

Keep reading...Show less
classroom scene of middle school students with frustrated male teacher

Taylor Flowe on Unsplash

When picking a career, it's a good idea to talk to people who have been in the professions you're considering for quite some time.

My parents wanted me to become a doctor, but I was ambivalent to the idea.

My discussions with veteran doctors convinced me there was no way I wanted to go into medicine.

So what are some other not so great jobs?

Keep reading...Show less
photo of woman holding white and black paper bags
Photo by freestocks on Unsplash

When I started college, I had every intention of cooking all my meals. It became very apparent very quickly that I simply didn't have the time to accomplish this, and I became the Takeout Queen.

I ordered food constantly. Between getting a monthly "allowance" from my dad (intended to go towards groceries), finding coupons taped to my apartment door everyday, and essentially being "allowed" to tip less than handsomely since I was a college student, I was able to afford this.

When I graduated and moved into my own place, things changed. I was too old to not tip properly, I didn't get any supplementary money from my family, and I had more expenses, such as rent. Still, I continued to order food, and it became my main expense.

My friends tell me the way I order food is only meant for "rich people." I have to skimp on everything else in order to have enough saved to support this. It's definitely true, but I don't think this habit will ever change.

I'm not the only one that does "rich people stuff." Redditors do lots of things that is classified that way, despite not being rich, and they are ready to share their stories.

It all started when Redditor Abbas_Noorani 16 asked:

"What is some rich sh*t you do even though you are not rich?"

Ravenous

"Food. I buy what I want and I try new stuff. I like cooking."

– 34i79s

"Grocery shopping without concern for budget is what made me realize I had made it back in the day. Good times."

"Now I have hard budgets again and it truly sucks. You question every damn decision and convince yourself to do without or downgrade to the lowest priced quality."

– txmail

"On the same boat. The other day I looked at expensive butter that I used to stock up on without even thinking twice and sighed."

– cat101786

Monthly

"Forget to cancel my free trial."

– Adept_Insurance5550

"Damn. Thanks for the reminder."

– -Bk7

"I'm still a member of AOL."

– __SpeedRacer__

Too Hot

"I leave the fridge door open when getting the butter out even though my dad said it would cost billions and send us to the streets."

– frank-sarno

"I leave the front door open when I pop out to grab my mail. Took me years of living on my own to realize the AC bill doesn’t shoot up by hundreds of dollars if I do that."

– MelodramaticQuarter

Necessities

"Buy the good toilet paper."

– FrankGehryNuman

"Absolutely!"

"Good toilet paper. Can't stand cheapo toilet paper, you give yourself a surprise when your finger goes through the paper when wiping your chuff. Don't get me started on that stuff they used to have in hospitals! It was awful - sandpaper that didn't soak up but rather moved stuff 🤐"

– helensmelon

Clean And Sweep

"I have a maid that comes weekly. I've found that my sanity is worth the cost."

– Eringobraugh2021

"Weekly? Oo la la!"

– a**ypantz72

Comfort Matters

"My thermostat stays at the temperature setting of what is most comfortable to me and nothing will change that."

– Cyb3rTruk

"Lol this really outlined how different climates can be. My thought was "Yeah, I'm going to be as cozy and warm as I want and not freeze in the comfort of my own home.""

– McCoyIsFun

Double

"Some days I have two sandwiches at lunch. I smile as I watch all my fellow proletariat eating their single sandwich."

– ShambolicPaul

"Brotip: Cut your sandwich an infinite number of times and rearrange the pieces into two full sandwiches. Don't give your money away to Big Sandwich!"

– NotInherentAfterAll

Sparkling

"Paying for car cleaning."

– angydevil

"Justified, tho my dad would kill me."

– Abbas_Noorani

The Big Cheese

"I sometimes buy name brand cheese instead of the store brand."

– NeuroguyNC

"Tillamook or nothing for me! I’ll buy store brand beans and paper towels and other stuff. But not for my cheese!"

– VariegatedThumb

Replenish

"We have a garage fridge that is full of all different kinds of beverages."

– SixStinkyFingers

"It's not the fridge itself, it's keeping it stocked!"

– 4x32Studio

A House Is A Home

"I own a house...."

– 1d0m1n4t3

"Oh damn rich people sh*t."

– Abbas_Noorani

"We shouldn't be able to joke about owning a modest home being rich people sh*t. Anyone who works full time should be able to afford a home."

– 1d0m1n4t3

Write Better

"I buy the gel comfort pens. Makes me feel I'm a higher class when writing at work. Smooth crisp consistent ink."

– UltraCoolPimpDaddy

"I have gotten into arguments over people stealing my G2 .07."

– savvyspoon2

Me Too!

"I buy small trash bags for the bathroom trash bins. My whole family uses grocery bags, but I don’t like how they always rip at the bottom."

– Deleted User

It's Required!

"No Margarine in my house, Butter Only, and lots of it. My arteries think I'm rich."

– weisblattsnut

Unused

"I have HBO but I don’t watch it."

– MillionToOneShotDoc

"I have Netflix, Prime, Hulu, and Disney Plus. Don’t watch any of it. Watch YouTube all the time and I’m too stupid to get Premium."

– AngryDerf

Now, that's the definition of having money to burn!

Of course, I wouldn't know. I need to save money for my food!