The idea of a "scale" or being in/out of someone's league is kind of passe, we'll admit. Still, there's something about a major change in your partner that can spawn a few questions or concerns.
It's perfectly natural to wonder if things will change once you or your partner makes a big change and there are questions about whether you're still in one another's "league." This can be particularly true since the physical change = relationship change trope has been drilled into a lot of us since childhood.
Reddit user jwburner asked:
People who are or have been in a relationship where you're partner transformed (lost weight, grew out of their acne/awkwardness, got muscular, etc) into someone "out of your league." How did everything play out?
So look, we're not going to lie to you. A lot of these end terribly. That's not much of a surprise. However - there are some responses here that are enough to renew our faith in real love; regardless of anyone's "league."
"I dated a girl who, while she didn't exactly change, started putting more effort into her appearance. She assumed I didn't like the "new" her; getting her nails done and going tanning. Truthfully I didn't mind one way or another. I think it gave her a confidence boost."
"Which was good until she got confident enough to cheat on me, citing that I "didn't fit with her new lifestyle."
"My significant other was born with hemifacial microsomia (basically no muscle tissue in her right cheek) and last year she got the seventh and last surgery to correct it."
"I've always considered her to be out of my league. The confidence and love for herself that she gained after the surgery was amazing. Seeing her go from a shy girl who absolutely hated having her picture taken to randomly sending me selfies saying things like "I look good today" makes me tear up. I'm so happy to have been a part of her transformation."
Former Male Model
"I've got it the other way - my significant other of 25+ yrs was a successful male model and pro athlete. A goodly proportion of his self esteem came from his looks and physicality. A few years ago he ended up in a wheelchair, getting a horrible cancer. He's aged, to put it mildly, and his legs have wasted away."
""It's come out that in the back of his mind he thinks I'll leave him because he's not the man he was. Silly guy. I've always loved him for his big heart and disposition. He really hasn't changed at all in my eyes.
"My husband's always been out of my league. I'm definitely no higher than a 5 and I'm aging like milk. He has loved me unconditionally since we were teenagers. Obviously, I feel the same. Some people are just meant for each other."
"My husband began dry-curing meats for a living. Suddenly he's got the sexiest set of guns and he smells like bacon. Random women have begun flirting with him. Now he dramatic-casual shows off his wedding ring a lot."
Money Changes People
"My partner went from making around 30k a year (similar to what I was making) to making $150k a year after a few years. My income didn't change much except for normal raises. Partner's job also came with a lot of travel, international included."
"It changed him drastically, to the point that he started sleeping with other girls while out of town and taking them on his trips. We're obviously not together anymore."
Put The Weight Back On
"I was with a guy for years and I lost some weight, got pretty toned changed my hair and got a better job. None of it changed me, but it changed him. He started getting really paranoid about the male friends that I'd had for years- none of whom had been an issue before my transformation."
"He started trying to stop me from going out and got super paranoid. He wanted me to stop going to the gym and to put the weight back on. It ended our relationship."
"My ex boyfriend went from chubby to body building competitions in the 2 years we dated. He went from being sweet to self absorbed and told me "There's a drop dead gorgeous girl at my gym you should workout so you can look like her."
"I ran half marathons and was in great shape at the time. He also started eating the same thing every meal, so no more dinner or ice cream dates."
"My wife would turn every head in the room when she walked into it. She fell in love with my writing (read some of my stuff, tracked me down and asked me out). I'm not usually flustered around women, but when I took my first look I said to myself "Well, it looks like we're just going to be friends."
"At the end of the date she said, "Hey, let's go mountain biking next Saturday!" I said, "Great!" At the time, I was heavily into competitive Mt. Biking and I found out she was able to keep up with me. We ended up being Mountaineering guides, buying a sailboat and living on it for 7 years, sailing across oceans."
"After we got married I asked her, "So what was it? Why'd you want to marry me?" She replied, "You're the first person (man) I've come across that really listened to me. You're also the first man to have cared for and respect my intelligence. You're also a good man Dean, and cute!"
"You mean I'm not handsome?"
"Wife: "Oh no! You're just cute! So why'd you decided to marry me Dean?"
Me: "Your boobs."
"And then we laughed our butts off."
"She was my one. The love of my life. Passed away this last may from breast cancer. She asked me once if I wanted to cut out 'cause her condition was getting very poor, she needed a lot of care and her physical beauty had faded. I replied, "Babe, there isn't a person on this planet or a situation that could take me away from you. You and me baby...all the way." And that's how it was."
Do It For The 'GramGiphy
"She was really cute and nerdy, and our biggest thing on a Sunday was reading comics and talking about dumb things. She made a friend at work who got her into makeup. She got really good at it and it was fun for a while, but then the things that we bonded over fell to the wayside and our Sunday's turned to her being insta famous and going out to parties and stuff."
"Instead of just rocking up to see each other I had to give her notice to do her make up. She started to get more insecure about her looks and needed constant compliments. Then she dumped me because we didn't "look good as a couple in photos" anymore."
"She even moved to a different city for better photo opportunities and that's when I finally deleted her off Instagram."
"Former partner of mine went from cute to hot. And while that did not make her out of my league, she suddenly became much more insecure about things. It was weird."
"I lost 50ish pounds and for awhile anyone I talked to would bring it up/compliment me. Weirded me out so much...like stop reminded me of my flesh prison, please."
"I went from being short and chubby to tall and slim and counted as generally attractive but due to not being raised my whole life as a "attractive" person it causes me to be shy and awkward."
A Younger Version
"Well, he got his braces off, decent glasses, found pants that were long enough, his acne (from 'roid use) cleared up and he found the right weight gain shake."
"He cheated on me and left me for a younger version of me."
"My ex boyfriend was one of those people that didn't really take care of himself and so he was very quiet because people used to tease him for it. I got him into the routine of showering every other day and ironing his clothes and he started to be more confident ... confident enough to cheat on me three times. Now he's a druggie and looks gross once again. Now no one will date him anymore."
A New Human
"When my wife began dating me I was in the process of losing weight and getting fit. She was well out of my league (and still is) but at least I don't look like I've had 2 chocolate cakes for lunch anymore."
"So far so good. We go to the gym together most days and we also created a new human together. The new human is particularly noisy."
"When I met my boyfriend, he was constantly down on himself because none of the girls he liked before me ever liked him and he thought there was something wrong with him. I watched him transform from a shy not confident guy into an amazing outgoing person with a charismatic personality."
"Last week he wrote a paper for school about how I helped him grow out of his "sad stage" and it made me tear up"
"I was dating a girl very tentatively - everyone knew we were a couple, but we had never even kissed, just did everything together and everyone treated us like a couple. Then I started training to be a fighter. I got super-ripped, got promotions at work, started winning some fights (ring, not street) and lots of other girls started hanging around."
"This girl, whom I loved dearly, stopped wanting to see me, quit her job and moved cities. It almost broke me. She was probably 'The One'. I've never seen her since and I've never considered marrying anyone else."
"My girlfriend kept thinking I would cheat on her because I wasn't fat. Over time, she broke my exercise/eating habits so I gained 60 lb. Married me, but now doesn't find me very attractive anymore, so no sexy times."
I Left Her
"I left her... although she was beautiful, but she had issues and got drunk so fast and so often. Beauty wasn't all I needed... I needed a partner."
"I'm currently losing weight to fix some health issues I have, and my boyfriend is gaining weight and he's really insecure about it. He keeps thinking I'll leave him when I'm "out of his league." I've asked him if he wants to work out with me or go on a similar diet, but he doesn't want to. I'm not going to force him to do something he doesn't want to do, but he knows the offer is there."
"He's always going to be my big cuddly teddy bear, and I'll love him no matter what sizes we are or what we look like."
Chubby Girl With A Hidden Talent
"My girlfriend was the chubby girl people picked on and never chose for their team in high school. She got her PhD and a great job. In the past two years she's discovered a hidden talent for endurance sports and has consistently podiumed in every race she's competed in this past year."
"She's now slim, successful, smart, and wildly athletic. To me she hasn't changed a bit and neither have I in her eyes. We're pretty happy as things are. We've just got new hobbies and encourage each other as we go through life together."
Caught On Early
"Just to preface this whole thing, I'm not a 10/10 knockout or anything but I think most people would consider me to be pretty. I met my husband in high school when his hobbies included weed, video games, and playing guitar badly. He was chubby, short, going through an emo phase, and covered in bad acne. My father hated him. Obviously he stole my heart immediately."
"When we got out of high school he worked mainly in fast food while I was a college student. He lived with his parents. My sisters were sure we'd break up and tried to convince me I could do better, but he's my best friend so I didn't care in the slightest. While I was in college he thought about going into the military, so he started working out daily. He got very fit very fast, and decided he no longer wanted to be in the military but wanted to go back to school. Just getting older and changing his diet cleared up his acne. Going back to school got him interested in dressing better. No other way to say it, he glowed up!"
"He's now on his way to being an electrical engineer, is still my best friend, and is honest to god out of my league in looks/physique. I'm crazy lucky that I caught on early and saw that potential. (And that bone structure)."
He Cheated On Me AnywayGiphy
"Along similar lines, I lost 30 lbs and grew out my hair while I was with my boyfriend because I thought I would be more attractive. He cheated on me anyway, now I don't determine my worth by my fears about what others will think of me."
It's not all happily ever afters after you say I do.
Do you have similar stories to share? Let us know below.
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The key to any successful relationship is communication.
The ability to be open and receptive to what a significant other has to say, as well as the ability to be able to convey something weighing on one's mind, can be healing.
But depending on the circumstance, some things are better left unsaid.
Curious to hear examples of what those might be, Redditor FamiliarFarmer8356 asked:
"What's something you wish you could tell your partner without upsetting them?"
If there is conflict, there is a way to discuss and address the issue in a civil and respectful manner.
Things Just Happen
"Every bad thing that happens doesn't require someone to be blamed for it. And that someone doesn't always have to be me."
A Cornerstone Of A Successful Union
"One of the cornerstones of a good marriage, is knowing how to argue. I’d actually say that before a couple get married, they should check how their potential partner behaves in an argument. What are they like when they get angry. It’s important because no two individuals are going to agree all the time. And on those occasions, it’s important to remember not to belittle the other. Deal with the issue at hand. And especially, don’t argue in front of the kids. You have no idea how much lasting damage this causes."
"All married couples should learn the art of battle as they should learn the art of making love. Good battle is objective and honest - never vicious or cruel. Good battle is healthy and constructive, and brings to a marriage the principles of equal partnership."
It's Not That Deep
"please stop complaining about everything."
"If you keep seeking out reasons to be miserable, you will find them."
"I'm tired of being dragged down with you."
There's no need to get defensive when there's something to discuss.
It's Not About You
"That some days I’m just tired from class and work and just want some me time, it’s not that I hate you my social battery is just running out."
"Her first reaction to something adverse doesn't have to be anger."
In The Words Of A Pirate
"In the wise words of captain Jack Sparrow sometimes:"
'the problem is not the problem, the problem is your attitude toward the problem.'
It Takes Two To Tango
"That I wish she’d be more independent so she didn’t need my help for everything outside the house."
"That it’s a little disturbing how aggressively he drives when he’s grumpy… heavy on both gas and brakes, zooming in and out of traffic, swearing at people who make mistakes… very unlike him."
Sometimes the truth hurts when talking about members of the family.
A Real Assessment
"That her mother is not a good person."
"I told my husband that it's not that his family is nosy and overbearing, it's that I hate watching him cave and negotiate as if they have a right to behave like this, and I really hate when I'm the bad guy for wanting reasonable limits."
"It got worse, then it got better, FYI."
"His parents are greedy, selfish people and treat him like an atm."
There's definitely a fine line between withholding your thoughts to protect the person you love and being brutally honest.
If coming clean isn't going to resolve an issue, then it might be better to suck it up and deal with whatever frustrations you have about the other person.
It's up to you, but make sure the delivery doesn't come from a place of rage if you do decided to be totally transparent about your negative thoughts.
Every family has a black sheep or every family in its entirety are black sheep.
What is a "black sheep" anyway?
It used to mean a person who brought shame or embarrassment to a family, but it's more often used now to mean the member who is just very different from everyone else—sometimes in a good way.
Redditor Frozen_yoghurt123 asked:
"Who is the 'black sheep' of your family?"
I'm the black sheep or at least I'd like to think so.
"Probably my dad's cousin, who went to prison for murdering his lover's husband."
DW_555Oh My Wow GIFGiphy
"My Dad. He is the only one of 6 siblings who wasn't a huge f**k up. And yet, before my Grandma died she stated that he was her 'biggest disappointment.' He is estranged from his surviving siblings... not by his choice. It honestly blows my mind."
"Toxicity is often a group mindset thing; people don't want you to leave because they are dysfunctionally co-dependent on each other and need each other to justify their own shortcomings in life. A lot of the 'family loyalty' stuff is typically shouted loudest by those who are the least good idea to stay loyal towards."
"My great uncle who stole my great grandfathers identity, stole a couple million dollars, and ran off. No one even knew he was alive until my great grandfathers funeral in 2009. No one has seen him since. My grandma started to cry because she honestly thought he was dead."
"Everyone else just kind of nodded on his direction and went on with the rest of the funeral. I just remember being very confused because I was 9 and I had never met this guy who my dad pulled me aside and told me he was my great uncle. It was a few years later that I got the full story."
"According to my mean aunt, the 'matriarch' in her own mind, it's my twin brother because "he doesn't care about family now that he's a doctor." (He's a resident. Chief resident. He works ridiculous hours and spends the rest of the time recovering from work.)"
"According to my ex-MIL (who still counts because she's Son's grandma), it's me, for divorcing her son."
"According to everyone else, it's Mean Aunt. The rest of us are warm and caring and compassionate. We have our moments; all of us have been accidentally thoughtless or done something selfish once in a while, but we're not deliberately mean and snarky all the time."
"My immediate family are the black sheep of the entire family."
DarthDreganJohn Stamos Cheers GIF by GrandfatheredGiphy
Sounds like everyone has a little black sheep in them.
"By now, my brother for cutting off everyone because he prefers his rude, selfish, paranoid, narcissist wife over all of us."
"My wife is the black sheep of her family in the sense that she's the only one who isn't a rude, selfish, paranoid narcissist."
Lvcivs2311Joe Dirt Brother GIFGiphy
"Me. My granddaddy told me 'I’ve only had the sheriff knock on my door two times in my 80 years, and both times he was looking for you! 'I did some dumb sh*t, caused a little trouble, burned a few bridges but always managed to stay out of jail. Partly because my sister has kept an attorney on retainer for me since I was 16."
"My younger brother (2nd of 4) is a compulsive liar and it got him in a lot of little trouble as a teen, then he told his wife he graduated a big college when we're not even sure if he got his GED because he failed to graduate HS, went to some GED school and eventually just stopped going."
"IF he graduated college, he never mentioned he was going in the 4+ years it takes nor mention graduation or have a diploma. He's not a bad dude, but now family time is super awkward when he and his wife are talking about 'their' college team."
The NOT good girl...
"My aunt's daughter. She’s been in jail for drugs, stolen money from my aunt and other family members to use on drugs and physically abused my aunt. My aunt has tried getting her help, but nothing has worked. She’s just not a good person, and everyone in my family, except my aunt, doesn’t want anything to do with her. I haven’t seen her in 8 years now, and I’m happy about that."
"A former nun - my great aunt - left the religious life and got married. She called herself 'the black sheep of the family' because her habit was black."
Back2BachExcited Julie Andrews GIF by The Rodgers & Hammerstein OrganizationGiphy
Well the black sheep sound like the most interesting family members.
Sex is great, but there are more ways than one to accomplish that euphoric feeling without sex.
There are so many small, ordinary aspects of life that can just send a person and we come across them daily.
A good steak.
A home repair.
The things that make you say...
"I tingle all over."
Redditor OldAboba asked:
"What is the best non-sexual physical feeling you’ve ever felt?"
Adele. Adele live. She sends me.
FloatingRelaxed Exit Strategy GIF by Hannah Bronfman Giphy
"I got a professional full body (everything but my man parts) massage a few years back for the first and so far only time at a spa after the recommendation from a coworker. I felt like I was floating on a cloud for the next few days."
Through your nose...
"Sneezing when you're sick. Then you get that about 20 second feeling of breathing through your nose again and you like ahh that's what I aspire to at the moment."
"Or the very last sneeze of your illness. During a fire drill in high school, I was ambling out after fighting a head old for a few days. The alarm was killing my head which was already throbbing from the sinus pressure."
"I was nearing the field, well away from my classmates, when I cough/sneezed out a huge, green loogie - cleared it about three feet, no icky trail - and by the time I was walking back to the building I was feeling pretty much back to normal. No more head cold after that. Never had something like that ever happen again where there was such an abrupt end to the head cold."
"Right after a migraine goes away. It's almost a spiritual experience."
"This was going to be my answer. I was in the ER one time for a really bad migraine. They gave me what they called a 'migraine cocktail.' When they pushed it through the IV I could feel the cold liquid make its way through my body, up to my head. Once it hit my brain, the migraine was gone. It was pure ecstasy. Even better was that cocktail had Benadryl in it so I fell asleep not long after and slept so good."
"That stretch til you shake when you wake up."
"I once stretched too hard in the morning and got the worst calf cramp ever... it looked like a prune and I thought I would die from the pain. Couldn't stretch in bed for months afterwards out of fear it would happen again."
"When you move over 50, it turns into that stretch til you put your back into a muscle spasm that lasts days."
The ItchScratching Feel Good GIF by 60 Second DocsGiphy
"I had a cast and splint on both my legs for 2 months. When they cut it off, they scratched my legs for me and the itch was just top notch! Yeah."
Itching an itch can change a life.
YUM!Emma Stone High Quality GIFGiphy
"When you're starving all day and devour a bomb a** meal."
Sleep for Life
"When you’ve been up for 20 hours+ and finally get into bed and you just know it’ll be the best sleep of your life."
"But man, after 36+ hours, the body sort of aches and it's hard to fall asleep despite being completely exhausted. Then the restless legs kick in... ugh. I do agree that a 20hr-ish stint is amazing to cuddle into, especially if you don't have to get up at any specific time the next day."
"Makes it better when you’ve been sleep deprived for weeks and know you have NO PLANS tomorrow and can sleep as much as you need."
"When you're absolutely busting for a pee and you can finally go!"
"Apparently there’s a thing called a 'pee-gasm' that people (usually women) have that causes an orgasmic feeling when you pee after holding it for a while! I’ve definitely experienced this and I’ve intentionally waited a while so I could have that good feeling... lol."
I Can Hear!!
"The feeling of water leaving your ear after being there all day."
"I had some impacted earwax for a week in one ear, and when it finally got removed it was the best feeling in the world. Initially it was like having a tv or radio in my ear that only had static, but then I could hear. Good god, I could hear. It was amazing."
"Oh man, and it’s WARM from being in your head, and the warmth makes the sensation of leaving even better."
A Good Restdog puppy GIFGiphy
"Sleeping in a warm blanket in winters."
"Or sleeping in a cold blanket in summer."
I am enthralled by all of those things.
People need to stop throwing out unwanted advice.
And when it is requested, think before you speak.
People with mental disorders don't need everyone telling them they have a fix like "exercise" or "herbal supplements."
Redditor Gold-Ad-2827 asked:
"People with mental disorders: What do you hate being told the most?"
I hated being told to just smile. You smile and go away.
Duhseth meyers GIF by Late Night with Seth MeyersGiphy
"It's all in your head. Where else would it?! My colon?"
"Everybody goes through that."
"This saying makes my blood boil. Or the 'I was that age once too ya know' yeah no sh*t you were that age once. And just because you were that age once doesn’t mean we have the same experience."
"They try to minimize it."
"You're worried? Just stop."
"You're sad? Just don't be."
"You're compulsively binge eating? Eat less."
"Thanks for that stellar advice."
"Or even better, 'Just do it!' As if ADHD paralysis can be stopped with a can-do attitude."
"I get so frustrated when people treat the idea of 'holistic medicine' as some kind of woo. How does it escape so many people that the body works holistically? Even a lot of doctors seem to ignore this. It's very frustrating when you have 2 or 3 or 4 illnesses that are all affecting each other, and your 'physical health' is held distinct from your mental health, and nothing anyone is doing to treat you works because no one's looking at the whole system."
"I just got a lecture from a psychiatrist I am seeing about nutrition, and he apologized to me for doing so but I told him, 'No, I appreciate it. Do it for all your patients.' because it told me he's trying to look at the whole picture and actually fix what's wrong. It gave me faith in him."
RelaxCalm Down Golden Girls GIF by TV LandGiphy
"You need to calm down."
"Never is the history of calm down has calm down ever caused anyone to calm down."
Calm down. I hate that one. You calm down.
TipsSeason 23 Reaction GIF by Law & OrderGiphy
"When they try to give me tips on what to do, like bruh as if I didn't already try that."
"You don't look sad. No crap... that's so I can avoid having this conversation. Also depression isn't 'being sad' like people think."
"God, I hate this. It's because saying 'I'm depressed' has been standard for people expressing that they're slightly unhappy about something dumb like not getting enough croutons on their salad or some crap. Now that's just what everyone assumes you mean when you say you have depression."
"'Stop being lazy.'"
“'Lazy' is when you don’t want to do anything at all. 'Executive disfunction' is when you can do everything at all, but that one easy quick thing that you do want to do just makes you and your brain freeze completely days ahead. I’m tired of people not understand that even when I explain and look at me like I’m bullshitting instead."
Ways to Cope
"Maybe you should try praying harder. I did, He prescribed medication."
"Praying is a way to cope for a lot of people, I think. That's totally fine, but insisting on praying in lieu of getting real help or actually addressing the issue is when it is not only unhelpful, but dangerously detrimental."
"Religious people will bypass everyone’s cultures, identity, views, and feelings just to be right and make a point. it’s disgusting. I read somewhere that real so called Christianity is all wrong. The real faith is from the Aramaic history and all the meanings were misinterpreted and the stories and all were made up by Catholics wanting to control their people. Yuck."
'contamination'Disgusted Season 6 GIF by Brooklyn Nine-NineGiphy
"As someone with OCD with a lot of attention to 'contamination', having someone try to explain contradictions in why I'm doing something that is technically unclean when I wouldn't do something that is technically clean due to OCD. There are a few doorknobs that I will not touch no matter how much you clean them in front of me and I know it makes no sense, if it made sense I wouldn't have OCD i'd just be cleanly."
Stop trying to be an armchair therapist. Be empathetic to people first.