This is a strange one. A straight guy is the victim of gay rumors because someone said he had sex with another man, and now social media is congratulating him for coming out. He's not gay, and he doesn't want to be identified as such. The person he is rumored to have hooked up with has vanished, and his attempts to affirm his heterosexuality are being mocked.
marrsilver looked to Reddit for advice on how he should deal with this, which he recognizes is a sensitive topic. OP harbors no animus toward gay people. He just doesn't want to be labeled something he is not.
Submissions have been edited clarity, context, and profanity.
This is a really strange situation. I hung out with a guy I sort of know at a bar for a while, and he asked to see my gaming PC so we went over my apartment. Jokingly, his friends were saying we were going up there to fuck (I live above the bar). We did a tiny bit of coke while we were up there, hung out and played games and talked about the PC for like maybe an hour and a half or so, then he went back down and I stayed up there.
While he was down there, I dont know what got into him, but he must have told his friends some story that ended with us having sex. Or its possible one of his friends just thought that? I have no idea, he was really messed up when he left downstairs so I assume it was him who told the story.
The next day I awoke to a whole lot of people messaging me saying that they heard me and George (the guy) had sex and that they had no idea I was gay and they wanted to congratulate me and all that. I am not sure HOW this spread so fast, but 4 people hit me up. Apparently the rumor developed into not only did I have sex with him, but I also came out to him as gay?
Either way, I wrote a FB status right there and then seeking to end this tirade, saying it didn't happen, me and George didn't do anything, its just some weird lie or rumor. A person (a gay man specifically) wrote that he didn't think George would lie about that and that he is disappointed that I felt so embarrassed to come out as gay that I would deny it after, or to accuse a gay man of lying just to protect my masculinity. that comment got 6 likes, and a few people responded saying they agree, that it came off like I was denying it to protect my masculinity, and that they believe George over me. Another girl wrote as her status "when straight guys call a gay man a liar about them having sex just to protect his masculinity" and it was kind of obvious she was referring to me.
I dont even know what to say. For one, I hit up george, I called him, its been 4 days, zero response. I am not even sure if I have the right phone number. I am not even sure if its HIM spreading this rumor at all, it could have just been someone who saw him go up to my apartment. I've gotten a few more messages from people congratulating me for coming out, and that "they had no idea!" and stuff like that. I've told every single one, sorry, its just a rumor, some of them were like 'oh okay sorry' and some didnt even respond, presumably because they saw my status and that guy who commented on it.
I don't know what to do. I dont give a shit if I was gay, but I don't want to be known as gay when I am not. Its just a weird feeling because people have accused me now of homophobia over this and I just feel terrible because I have no bad feelings towards gay people, but I just want people to know, I am not gay. Like, this isn't true, at all. But now everytime I deny it it just looks worse. One of my friends hit me up and she said "look, I know you are denying it, but on the chance you are gay and just feel embarrassed thats okay too!" and it just made me realize I may never be able to shake this off
What the hell do I do? I barely even know this george guy, he might never respond!
Edit: In the title I said 'refuses to tell the truth', really its more like he isnt responding at all
tl;dr: Being accused of sleeping with a dude, I am not gay. Its spreading all over Facebook.
Fight fire with fire - if being gay isn't a big deal in the first place.Giphy
A guy tried that on me once, telling everyone I slept with him when I didn't. I told everyone he was terrible in bed and had poor hygiene and premature ejaculation.
He really doesn't have to answer to anyone.Giphy
First of all...you didn't come out as gay. Even if you were, you would have been outed, so tell that gay person mad at you for changing your mind to f*ck off.
Block those who don't believe you.Giphy
At least now, you know who to block on Facebook and remove as friends.
OP's sexual identity is valid and he is an ally. He should make that case.Giphy
Honestly, on those statuses, I would say something like "please stop erasing my sexuality - while I understand there is a stigma against being gay, it's incredibly insensitive to erase my own sexuality because of your preconceived notions. When I say I am not gay - you should respect that as much as a gay man when he says he is gay. You do not get to say these things to me."
EDIT: if you really want to stick it too them, you could say "and furthermore, in the future, if you think someone has been outed as gay and it was obviously not their decision and they are appearing to deny it, maybe you shouldn't insult them. If I actually had been gay and decided to deny it, that would have been my choice, regardless of what you think of gay people who do that. I'm kind of surprised at the insensitivity people have been expressing to me when they think that I am hiding my sexuality - perhaps you are more a part of the problem for people in the LGBTQ community than you realize.
As a sidenote - everyone should know I am a safe person to reveal these things to. And while I am not gay, I have no problems with anyone based on their sexuality. That's the end of my discussion on this."
EDIT 2: I like what someone said about sexism being at play too - taking away sexual agency from you is demeaning, you can work that one in as well. Like "By the way, on top of all of this - when you perpetuate this sexual rumor that I have clearly told you is not true, you are taking away my sexual agency. This is no different than some dude at a party lying that he banged some young woman upstairs. Me telling you that it's not true should be enough for you, and when you refuse to believe me, it's insulting to me and everyone else that is at the recieving end of lies like this."
Your "friends" are all pretty rude.
EDIT 3: you are free to use all of that verbatim if you feel like it.
Also, outing people? Not cool.Giphy
Seriously. I'm bisexual, but I was bullied so severely that I attempted suicide at one point. I don't let anyone know unless I feel very comfortable with them. Sometimes, someone I know will say something about me being bi and it's actually terrifying for me. Outing people is not okay.
OP needs better friends.Giphy
Get new friends. Yours are defective.
Seriously, they're assholes no matter how you spin it.
It's not like coming out is easy, simple, or quick.Giphy
I'm gay and I think your friends are a bunch of assholes who are more interested in appearing progressive than actually being progressive. Even if you really had had sex with this guy, it would be inappropriate for him to out you to all your friends and f*cking weird for them all to start congratulating you. Coming out is a fraught process. Your friends outing you and scolding you over it is not a pro-gay thing to do. That you're not gay and didn't sleep with this guy is just the icing on the shit cake. So I don't see any way to read this story in which the conclusion isn't "OP hangs out with some real assholes."
At the end of the day, you've discovered that your friends do not trust you and value pretending to be pro-gay on social media over your friendship or your actual well-being. They're jerks. Dump them, block them on social media and move on.
Maybe try the simple approach - use a hypothetical.Giphy
Maybe point out to the people that are insisting that it happened, that this is no different than a fratbro telling his friends he banged some chick at a party just to get a few high fives.
Tell them that if you were gay, you'd have better taste.
Perhaps ignoring the rumor will make it go away?Giphy
Honestly, I'd just try to ignore it, and if people congratulate you say something lighthearted like "It's news to me!" If you act upset or deny it too strenuously then people will assume it's true.
And if they were already joking about you two hooking up, then I think there's a good chance the guy just didn't respond correctly to a joke or question or they drew their own conclusions and ran with it. You might even try sending him a message telling him that you're not pissed at him, but you want to know what happened. Or just let it go, since you don't know him.
Keep calm and carry on.Giphy
Kind of had the same thing happen to me in high school. Had a gay friend who turned out to be "in love" with me and told some people we were secretly together or something and I got stuck in the same predicament that you're in now. I had a girlfriend and was comfortable about my sexuality so I didn't take offense to people thinking I was gay, so I just didn't get hung up on it and I didn't address it. I stopped hanging out with that dude because he was obviously manipulative and a liar, and just went about life as normal. People didn't really know what to think of me so I guess that made me somewhat interesting and whenever I was asked about everything I just told the truth.
But don't be making announcements on Facebook or wherever and don't get angry about the situation. I admit, if I saw someone getting super worked up about that I would suspect they were lying too but obviously I would be in the wrong. Just try to go about things as you normally would and if people try to antagonize you about it, get rid of them because their behavior would feel so much worse to you if you actually were gay. Lots of people will be showing you their true colors, take them at their word.