If you've ridden in a convertible with the top down, or on a motorcycle with a helmet with no face plate, you've probably gotten a bug caught in your throat at some point. Usually, though, you cough and sputter for a bit and the ordeal is over and done with. Sometimes things don't go so smoothly.
Fair warning: this one is fairly graphic, and definitely nightmare fuel for anyone who doesn't like insects (and even if you do).
This story has been edited for content and clarity.
A Little Backstory To Start...
This happened over the summer. A little backstory: I smoked with a few friends before i rode my bike home. On the way home, it happened.
And On To The Main Event!Giphy
The way that the bug entered my throat was really stupid. I was riding my bike down a hill with my mouth opened because i was breathing, and the little f***er just zipped straight in. I didn't realize what happened to me so i just kept going down the hill. That was when I felt it. Those tiny legs.
That little f***er latched onto the back of my throat while i was riding full speed down the hill. I freaked the f**k out and stopped the biking and tried to puke that little f***er out. It did NOT work. What did happen was he just latched on even tighter. I felt all of its legs dig deep into my throat wall. Sadly, the nightmare was only beginning.
The bug felt comfortable after a minute and began crawling around. Have you ever had the feeling of something crawling up your leg, or crawling up your arm or just anywhere on your body? Imagine the same feeling except it's inside your f***ing throat. I felt every single movement that that little f***er did. He started crawling up and down my throat, exploring what will be his new home and i think he was trying to find a way out or something.
It Gets Worse.
Once I got home, eyes bloodshot red because I was partially crying from the trauma that i was experiencing. I told my mom what happened and then went straight to the bathroom to try to puke it out. I was shoving my finger down my throat to try and make myself puke but that did not work. For some reason, i just could not puke for the life of me. I then felt the little f***er climb up into my nasal cavity. I felt the bug moving around MY F***ING FACE.
Words cannot describe what it felt like but i can try my best to. I felt the bug crawl around underneath my eyes, pass right through the back of my nose and to the right side of my face. He then spent a few minutes chilling in there. I thought about blowing the f**k out of my nose but i got scared that he might latch onto my f***ing nasal cavity so i just let him chill.
Maybe it's over...nope.
Once he got out of my nasal cavity, i made sure that he was not going to do that ever again because that was by far the worst experience i have ever felt in my life. I was a little thirsty, and wanted to see if i could drink him down into my stomach. Maybe that could solve the problem!! I chugged a whole bottle to see if it would get that f***er down into me stomach. I felt him go down my esophagus! Yes!! I finally got rid of him!! He pulled a Billy Mays (RIP) on me and and crawled his way back up.
That was the first time i felt the f***er crawl up through the upper esophageal sphincter. I felt every single one of his legs touch the whole entire circumference of the wall. After he was through, he was in that weird spot that you can swallow to move the food through the same place again. I did it. He crawled back up. I didn't want him to crawl back up into my nasal cavity and at the same time I didn't want him crawling back up through the sphincter either. I let him roam around but did not let him go into my nasal cavity (i drank some water slowly to make him go down).
Off To The Doc.Giphy
I had enough of this and told my mom i wanted to go to the doctors. We went there and they basically told be good luck. I tried to get one of them to stick a camera down my throat to at least know what the f**k was down my throat but they declined. F***in fantastic. We got a doctors bill AND a bug still stuck in my throat. We went home and dinner was ready. Time to try and eat the f***er with my food.
One of the doctors told me that i should try and eat something spicy to see if that would help, so i got me a sh!t ton of Tabasco Sauce and slathered it all over my cuisine and gobbled all of it down as fast as i possibly could. It worked!! He went down half way through eating, but i didn't stop because i feared that he could be pulling a Mufasa on me and be hanging on for dear life. Once i cleared the plate i was relieved. No more bug!! Or so i thought. I lost hope when i felt those legs crawl back up and through the sphincter again. F**k me he is never going to leave. I was pretty tired and at the same time I didn't want to sleep and have him just crawling about wherever he wanted.
Beat Him Down Slowly.
I tried to get my mind off of what was happening by watching some YouTube and the little f***er stopped moving. I almost forgot he was there, but still could feel where he was. I got tired and passed out cold after a few minutes.
When i woke up i felt all of the other things that happened before again. The same routine, slathered hot sauce into food, ate it as fast as i could but he kept coming back up. I noticed that every time i did this, he would come back up a little slower every time. He was getting weaker. Luckily for me, I did not feel the bug go into my nasal cavity that day.
I went on with my day feeling a lot more comfortable with the f***er inside me. I tried going to a different clinic to see if they could find out what type of bug it was but they did not have the machine to see. I just gave up on identifying the bug.
Later that night while i chowed down on my spicy dinner, i felt him go down. After i finished, i waited for him to re-emerge. Nothing. I waited another minute, nothing. I did it!!! I won!
The Trauma Doesn't Go Away.
Even though he was inside my stomach, i still could feel him around my throat. I knew for a fact that it was all an illusion that my mind was doing to me but it felt real. It felt literally like it was still in there crawling. I began doubting myself on whether I ate him or not. I'm not sure if this post bug experience is considered a PTSD event, but it did truly feel like the real deal. I went to sleep and woke up feeling better then ever. No more bug. No more pain. It was done. I defeated the bug inside me and the ghost bug as well.
I do sometimes randomly feel something like the bug inside my throat every once in a while but i always ignore it because i know its my mind playing tricks on me.
Moral of the story: don't ride your bike with your mouth opened.
TLDR: bug got stuck inside my throat, crawled around my nasal cavity, throat wall, esophagus until i was able to eat something and push him down, but still felt him after he was gone.
Some Reddit users suggested lots of hot coffee, as caffeine is a natural insecticide, but I don't think that is a situation where I'd want to be thoroughly caffeinated and awake!