Typically, when we think of the relationship between a grandma and her grandson it's a doting and affectionate sort of thing. We think of it as some unbreakable and love-filled bond. Sometimes, though... it's just not. One young man's grandmother has pretty much shunned him when he stood up for his mom and asked Grandma to stop picking on her. Grandma didn't like that much and decided she'd rather block him on social media and pretend he doesn't exist, instead.
Here's his original post:
My (23m) grandma (68f) is mad that I asked her to not disrespect my mother on social media.
"I went home for Christmas to see my family, and spend time with them. My parents are divorced and have been for probably 6 years now. My father is remarried. My grandma (My dad's mom) shared something on Facebook and tagged my dad. This quote said "Sometimes true love comes after mistakes you've made." My grandma and my aunt from my dads side have constantly shared little "stabs" over the years towards my mom and I had enough of it this year. The divorce is long over, and those two are the only ones still holding onto it.
She had texted me the morning after our family Christmas party and asked me why my brother didn't go (he didn't because he said he felt uncomfortable with all of the judgement from the couple of people I've mentioned earlier). I was being honest and politely told her that my brother and I feel uncomfortable due to these posts, and they effect us too. I told her my parents relationship wasn't a mistake, and that it was life lessons and experiences. (It wasn't, they were together almost 20 years, and had a very happy relationship up until the last couple of years.) My grandma is also divorced and remarried too, so I mentioned that her marriage wasn't a mistake, and was just life lessons and experiences as well. I politely said if she dislikes my mom, to keep it to herself, because we still have a lot of intermingled family friends, and cousins that still communicate with both sides, so the word gets around. (Again, it's only my aunt and grandma that are still sharing this stuff) she then turns around and blocks me on all social media, says that she's so hurt that I'd say something like that and that she wants a few days to "process" what I said and she'll let me know how she feels. She's a professional victim player.
I let me dad know so he didn't think I was harassing her, and he believes me, and even said that she gets upset over the stupidest things.
I just have no clue where I should go from here. Do I just let it be? Do I talk to her? I'm so annoyed, frustrated, etc..."
People are stunned at how petty this has gotten, and they're not shy about saying so. Check out some of the most popular responses:
She Did It For You
I think she made the decision for you by blocking you. I do not think that you are in the wrong; she is doing what she does to turn you and everyone else against your mom. She is more concerned with her belittling than she is with your feelings.
Drop The Rope
Block her and move on. If she's toxic and hurtful towards your mother and is a professional victim player, it sounds like she does dramatic shit all the time. She can live with the consequences of being hateful and shit.
I disagree with everyone who says you should have just ignored it. It was an obvious insult and it sounds like she has a history of making these against your MOTHER. If you decide you don't want to have a relationship with someone who is hateful to 1 of your 2 parents (whom you have a good loving relationship with) then that is YOUR choice and you cannot be shamed or judged for that choice.
Don't give into her drama. Just drop the rope. Don't apologize or forgive or justify.
Your grandmother is waiting for you to succumb to her manipulation and ask her for forgiveness. However, that would just reinforce her behavior. You were right to stand up for your mom. I think you should just let your grandmother pout and not reinforce her bad behavior.
Maturity Is Not An Age Thing
You did the right thing, and sound waaaaay more mature and wise than a passive aggressive 68 year-old woman who posts memes on Facebook for the purpose of riling people up. Block, ignore, delete, this toxic woman from your social media and your life.
Also, good for you, for standing up for your mom. Trust me, you will not miss grandma's drama.
How To Spin It
You're changed roles on her, as you are now acting as the mature healthy adult, while she is the gossipy child. You bet she's banished you and is planning on how to respond, she doesn't quite know how to spin "my granddaughter is demanding I stop being mean and petty."
Keep being the emotionally mature adult here. Sometimes, just the knowledge that you are taking the high road is the best.
Reasoning With The Unreasonable
You can't reason with someone who's unreasonable. She's never going to admit she's wrong. You embarrassed her by being the mature one and calling her out (rightly) on her bullshit. You were polite about it, and you weren't wrong. She's just too immature and unreasonable to ever admit that.
I personally wouldn't talk to her until she apologizes for her unwarranted reaction and agrees to keep her digs about your mother to herself. If you do, she'll make a big show of "forgiving" you and play the victim and frankly I wouldn't be willing to put up with that shit. Don't let her drag you into her "poor me" drama. Or your aunt because it sounds like the apple didn't fall far from the tree. When they can act like grownups, then they can talk to you/see you. Until then, I would refuse to engage. Because it's just going to be them trying to drag you into the drama and playing the victim. If they try to sell their sob story to the rest of the family, don't acknowledge it or justify. Don't play their game. It's childish and I'm sure you've got way better things to do with your time and energy.
You should be proud of yourself for being mature and respectful but still unwilling to put up with the bullsh*t. You sound like you've got a good head on your shoulders.
She did you a favor by blocking you. I'd return it by blocking her back. When she unblocks you (and you KNOW she will, that's how she will keep the drama going), you're going to have to see her whining about how she's a sad little grandma with such a mean grandchild. For me that would be a hard pass.
Like Training A Dog
I think you should defend your mother and set boundaries with your grandmother.
life is too short and precious to cut people out of your life though. I would give her space for a while since she is acting immature and angry. Make this a clear and unquestionable boundary. Be consistent in your responses when it comes to this. I would still call or briefly stop by to wish her happy new year, birthday, etc. and the moment she disrespects your mom then leave or cut your call short.
She'll stop bringing up your mom if she wants to see you more or speak with you more.
Let her go!
Let her go!
Don't hold it back any more.
Let her go!
Let her go!
Turn away and slam the door!
All You Need To Know
Your grandmother cares more about being able to continually mock the mother of her grandchildren then the feelings of her grandchildren. Says pretty much all you need to know about this situation.
So Many Mistakes
Wow! So does that mean you and your siblings are a result birthed of that mistake?! Was your father a "mistake" from her previous marriage too? You handled that so well, very reasonable and an adult thing to do and she should be ashamed of herself. Good on your brother for making boundaries to protect any distress he gets from them insulting your own flesh and blood! If she does decide to get in touch down the track, ask her what does she get out of belittling your mother? What emotions does it bring up for her when she feels she needs to bring your mother down?
Save Your Receipts
Save a screenshot of the text conversation between you and your grandmother. If any family members contacts you regarding you treatment towards her, reply with the screenshot. Sadly it sounds like grandma either found a hill to die on or she'll have to eat crow for the new year.
She's a narcissist throwing a temper tantrum because she got checked for her horrible behavior. Stand firm and let her stop kicking and screaming on the floor, and when she's ready to act like an adult and talk to you then you can respond.
On behalf of all victims of narcs everywhere: thank you for standing up for your mom.
A Full-Blown Dramatic Apology
You were the adult one in this. Sad to lose someone relatives over stuff like this, but they could've been mature about this and kept it to themselves, or at least taken you letting them know, better. I would let it be. My experience is that when people react in this way, they'll only accept a full-blown dramatic apology, and that doesn't seem appropriate in this situation.
Leave it alone. No offence but she's disrespectful as fuck and not at all worth chasing after to "apologize". She hurt you and your mum and all you did was show her a mirror.
Let her process it in peace. She'll come running back or she won't and that doesn't sound like a loss.
Let It Be
Where do you go from here? Just let it be. You expressed your feelings in a mature manner and its up to her to deal with that in her own way. She has already 'processed' it by blocking you on social media - an action which no doubt she has done to provoke an emotional response out of you. By blocking you she has made the situation far worse for herself and she probably thinks it will force you into giving her an unnecessary apology. Ignore it and move on. Don't rise to her attempt at emotional manipulation. As you say, she's playing the victim here.
Besides, she's 'hurt' that you would call her out? I'd be hurt by her calling your parents relationship a mistake as, by association, that makes you and your brother 'mistakes' too. You did right by your family and you asserted your feelings on the issue. You should be proud of yourself.
Double Down Like KFCGiphy
Double down because you are right. Block her and say the same thing she said to you to anybody who asks why. Verbatim. It's the only way to beat a narcissist. They want the attention to be about them - so give them absolutely none. She may cut you off, but that's better than apologizing, or giving in as your dad has done. If you cut her off she will never admit it, but it will sting her for the rest of her life someone stood up to her.
Step Mom To The Rescue
I dealt with this for much of my life because my parents got a divorce when I was only 3.
It was my step mom of all people who had to put my dad's family in their place. I was overhearing (once again) shit talking about my mother in the other room and I remember hearing my step mom call them out. It made me so happy.
I know that story didn't give you any advice but basically, I just want you to know that I understand how hurtful words about your mother can be. You ABSOLUTELY did the right thing. I'm sure your grandma will come around soon enough ❤️ maybe your dad should have a conversation with her.
I don't believe you should throw away your grandma for life, though! I feel that scenarios like this are common in divorced families but it does not mean it cannot be moved past. My grandma, for example, has not bad mouthed my mom (to my knowledge) in years. I would certainly give her another chance after she hopefully apologizes.
No offense, but your grandma is a selfish bit*h. You told her she's been hurting your feelings and disrespecting your mom and she's the one who gets to be hurt? How? That absolutely proves she's a selfish b. F*ck her, you don't need her. You didn't do anything wrong. You did everything very well that even your dad thinks you did fine. Nothing is on you, she's losing two grandkids because she's a dumb drama queen.
The Polite Approach
You politely wait until she unblocks you, then you block her.
Her And Her Toxic Attitude
I understand that you don't want your grandma to be upset with you, and that you were hoping she could have just had an adult conversation about it and then move forward. I'm sorry that it didn't work out that way. However, you did the right thing, and you chose to be honest with her about the feelings you and your brother have been experiencing. That takes some courage, because it can definitely be easier to keep your head down and not rock the boat. It sounds like this has been building up for awhile now. She's ruining her relationship with her grandchildren, and you tried to explain this to her. If she refuses to see how hurtful and damaging her behavior is to you and your brother , then it's only her fault when you guys ultimately decide you want to distance yourselves from her and her toxic attitude.