Sitting on your porcelain throne is a sacred moment, and there's a reason why bathrooms have a lock on the door.
In one specific case, the lock served no purpose and it had nothing to do with preventing someone from accidentally opening the portal to a world of embarrassment.
After getting caught with his pants (and underwear) down as a result of an intruder, a shell-shocked Reddit user survived to tell his story on the TIFU (Today I F****d Up) thread – a community in which people share stories about "moments where we do something ridiculously stupid."
He was trying to get out of the bathroom before flushing and you would have too.
Let Redditor "jellyjack" set the scene.
"This happened on Friday, and I'm just now able to relive it without experiencing Tourette-like outbursts of random noises and profanity from my extreme discomfort from the embarrassment."
Meet Jen, the neighbor whom the protagonist barely knows.
"I'm sitting on the toilet in the downstairs bathroom (which is right by the front door of our house), I have the door mostly closed, but it's not latched. Doorbell rings, my wife answers it, it's her friend Jen."
"Jen comes in the house. I should mention that Jen is a friend/neighbor we've known for just under a year and I don't really know her that well, which, for me, makes this worse."
Meet the third character in the hair-raising one-act making a grand entrance.
"I'm just finishing up, getting ready to wipe. I pull on the first piece of toilet paper, and as the toilet paper unrolls this big, and very fast spider comes running from behind the roll, brushing against my hand."
The encounter alone is traumatizing at such a vulnerable moment, but it didn't end there.
"Instinctively, I jump up and away from this spider, as I do this, the door to the bathroom opens, there's Jen, we both scream, me because my fight or flight (in this case flight) response automatically kicks in from my lizard brain thinking I'm getting attacked by this spider, and Jen seeing her friend's husband with his pants and underwear down between his legs leaping toward her screaming."
It seems the accidental flasher gave new meaning to the word "streaker."
Life resumed once the dust settled, but he's still losing sleep over the boo! during his number two.
"A lot of apologies and light uncomfortable laughter afterwards, and I haven't slept well since."
While many sympathized over the arachnid's visit, one user was more concerned over one thing in particular.
"Oh man, that's a tough one to recover from. Was it at its smallest?" – jayeffoh
"Oh yeah, plus it was cold in the morning. You're making me shudder again with the memory." – jellyjack
Umm, we would rather not think about this detail, but there you go.
"Is nobody going to mention that all this occurred while you were still unwiped?" – Nougat
"Sadly (or weirdly) that's all I could imagine is just that feeling of being unwiped ugh. Though I'm also deathly afraid of spiders so that, the spider, the stranger, and my self-consciousness about my body...boy it'd be a real battle of emotions." – ColoneISanders
Are you aware of this established rule?
"For future reference, restrooms that are the main floor of the house especially near the front door (my house also has a half bath next to the front door) should be used for #1's only. All #2's should be done in a more private bathroom." – Av3ng3d0wnt
"I've always been a bathroom door locker. What's with the door open poops?" – PigeonFace
"When it's just me and my wife, neither one of us locks the door, been like that since our college days." – jellyjack
"If you ever are home alone try pooping with the bathroom door all the way open. It's a glorious feeling for some reason." – BringBackOldReddif
So what prompted Jen to be at the wrong place at the wrong time?
"Why was she coming into the bathroom? Because of your scream?" – Merbel
"I didn't ask, but I'm assuming she was coming in to use the bathroom or wash her hands or something. Her or my wife didn't know I was in there. After the incident, she didn't end up using the bathroom." – jellyjack
So what happened to the spider?
"Did you neutralize the threat though?" – Mash_Ketchum
"I couldn't find it afterwards. Fell in my magazine basket, then after I finished up, I couldn't find it again." – jellyjack
One takeaway from the spider caper is:
"Stories like this are why I close and latch the bathroom door even when home alone." – ShinePDX
They say the spider is usually the one that is scared in these encounters, but the character more likely to be scarred for life in this scenario is a tossup.
If you want to play a little prank on your significant other, you can get 100 pack of fake spiders here. Who knows what will happen if you scatter them around the house?