
Not everyone is meant for the water. Certain people should just stay far away from a public pool- they're already germy and full of screaming children. The best solution would just be to get their own pool. Or a kiddie pool. Or just a bathtub. Whatever it is, stay away from the community pool.
Reddit user alipoop asked:
Lifeguards of Reddit, what's the weirdest thing you've seen someone do in the water?
Are you serious?
"We once had a man come into our pool for lane swim. He had all the latest gear, brand new suit, cap and goggles. He got to the edge of the deck and did some arm circles, adjusted his goggles and dove into the pool."
"He popped up for a few seconds then promptly started flailing and gasping for breath. A colleague jumped in and pulled him out immediately. We were all really confused until he told us he had never swam before and he thought it came naturally."
Some people will do anything for attention.
"Fake drowning by a woman who admitted that she wanted my attention. I wanted to drown her."
"UNO Reverse card"
You know you can buy oxygen, right?
"A lady once had an asthma attack so we put her on the oxygen only to find out that her oxy saturation levels were at 100%, turns out she just wanted an oxygen high."
Thank goodness she had that life jacket.
"Life guarding was my first job when I was 16."
"I watched a little girl around 9-10 years of age dive head first (with a life jacket on) into a kitty pool of about 6 inches."
"Needless to say, she smoked her dome and I had to patch up a little cut on her forehead."
We love a witty lifeguard.
"Couple having sex in the water -not as fun as you would think though. There's lots of kids around.
"We'd yell that "this is a family facility, not a family making facility" and they'd always stop."
Somehow so smart yet so dumb.
"On the hottest day of the year when we were short on guards, we paid a guy 5 bucks to s**t in the pool so we could clear it for an hour to clean."
Kids today and their anarchy.
"I worked 3 years as a lifeguard for my local community center. Our place was somewhat unique as we both had an indoor pool and water park, complete with water slide and other such things. There were also containers filled with pool toys and other things like life preservers, life vests, and kick boards."
"One day, while I was on break, my supervisor comes running into the break room and tells all of us (there were three of us on break) to come help control a situation in the water park area."
"Apparently, one of the summer camps' kids had rallied enough kids together and coordinated them into constructing makeshift rafts with all the pool equipment. By the time we made it out on deck, they had already made a motley fleet of boats pieced together with pool noodles, life jackets, and other floating toys."
"The issue however was not that they had macgyvered this little fleet, but how the camp had split into factions and begun an all-out naval engagement in the pool. Pool noodles were now being used as makeshift water cannons, and things only escalated from there."
"Some of the kids had broken into our supply closet and found our stash of other water toys (super soakers, water balloons, etc.) and came whooping out onto the deck. A few of the kids made armor out of the kick boards and vests and were wielding the boueys we use for water aerobics like clubs. Others had taken the water balloons to the top of the water slide and we're lobbing them off in some crude bid for air superiority. This one girl had taken her camp shirt and tied it to a pool skimmer, waving it like a flag and yelling "FOR THE KING! FOR THE KING!"
"It took thirty minutes to regain control of the situation, in which time one of the guards required stitches due to being pistol whipped with a water gun by an overzealous 11 year old."
"We never did invite that camp back."
The Strangest Superstitions People Actually Observe | George Takei’s Oh Myyy
The world can be a superstitious place. If you've ever knocked on wood or thrown salt over your shoulder then you've run into one or two throughout your life...The cycle begins.
"I once watched as another guard jumped in then performed a front active rescue. As she pulled the victim up he threw up all over her. Leading her to throw up all over him. And then back and forth. Causing both of them to start drowning. Then I jumped in from the other side did a rear active rescue on my own coworker as another guard saved the original victim."
"Awkward day..."
That can't be comfortable.
"I was a lifeguard at a camp, and this Pentecostal church came to stay (about 500 of them). Even in the pool, the boys would wear slacks and a belt. No shirt, but they'd be wearing their tan slacks, and brown belt. Blew my mind."
Not that hunky.
"Was a lifeguard at an indoor apartment pool. One lady was mostly paralyzed on one side. She also could not swim in deep water."
"So, lady would do laps in the shallow end, but because of the paralysis, would end up swimming into the deep end where she would promptly panic."
"She did this over and over and over. Probably these days (twenty years later) I would ban her from the pool, but I was a teenager at the time who certainly did not want to make any waves, so I ended up making literal waves regularly to save her."
"I would suggest that she liked being saved by the hunky lifeguard to deliberately drown herself so regularly, but I'm not that hunky."
Vomit worthy.
"I worked at a college pool so we had a standard Olympic sized high dive, I had to tell a kid that was at least 11-12 yrs old not sit under the board and drink the water falling off the people about to jump."
"I can't imagine how much a**/foot/b*lls water that kid ingested. It was sick."
Are you sure that wasn't a rabbit in a bikini?
"Not really in the water technically but still a head scratcher. Used to work at a very high end gym back in college. You could pay annually ~$1000 or monthly to the tune of about $120."
"Had a regular who would come in late afternoons every sat and sun to our outdoor pool. This lady was absolutely stunning. Maybe early 30's and the physique of a super model. Always wore a super tight purple bikini and lounged out on the stone wall encompassing the hot tub. Never actually in the hot tub but would lie on her back along the wall. Made it really hard as a 20 year old male lifeguard to concentrate on the people in the water. Thank god for sunglasses."
"It was also hard to remain focused on the other patrons as this lady would proceed to then one-by-one pick the leaves off the shrub next to the wall, eat them, and hold a conversation with herself while staring into the sky."
"As the leaves would start to dwindle on that particular shrub over the course of the week, she'd move farther along down the wall and start on the next one. This continued every summer for about 2 years until I left for the military. Wherever you are lady, I hope you're doing well outside of your career calling as a deer or rabbit."
"There was also the man who got pissed when we closed the waterslide for the night so he went over to the children's wading section, took a big dump, and ran, fleeing out the side gates. Jokes on you buddy, we got to shut down for the day and got paid to f**k around on my phone in the guard office."
No bricks allowed.
"Late to the party but I was a lifeguard for about 6 years."
"About half of my job was telling people, "as a reminder, please do not throw any of the rocks, sand or seaweed at the beach (it's crowded are you serious?!)"
"This one guy shouts back, "can I throw bricks?" My out-loud response was to ask if he had any bricks on him at the moment. He insisted he didn't have any on him, but could go out to his truck and get a bunch."
"I responded into the megaphone, "as a reminder, please do not throw any of the rocks, sand, seaweed or bricks at the beach".
"We both yucked it up a bit and went back to our respective lives."
Father-son bonding.
"Worked as an open water lifeguard last year, and worked on a 100m long inflatable assault course."
"Throughout the hottest parts of the summer, seaweed would often be found along the edges and safety straps (the course was made out of multiple inflatable obstacles fastened together) and it was our job every morning to clean this. Sometimes spots were missed, as we had about 30 minutes for just one of us (the task ran on a rota, so a different person did it each day) to clean the entire park."
"Halfway through one day, a dad and his son find a strap covered in seaweed and jellyfish eggs. Usually people recoil and stay away upon touching the stuff, but instead these two pull the seaweed and eggs off the strap and throw it back and forth at each other for about half an hour. Was weird to watch, and kinda disgusting."
Next time, maybe we'll just dip out toes in the water or stay on dry land.
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We don't talk about Bruno... and all of the other crazies in the family.
Maybe that is why that song struck such a chord... we can all relate to family secrets and family crazy.
Even though every generation has gotten a little more open and willing to discuss trauma, we still have a long way to go.
There is something to be said for not airing out all of the dirty laundry.
Everybody doesn't have to know private business.
Redditor istrx13 was wondering things families don't talk about...
They asked:
"What is the 'we don’t talk about that' in your family?"
I'm not getting into my family. You'll have to wait for the play.
The 30s...
"My great aunt was a nurse supervisor at a mental hospital back in the 1930s. She fell in love with a patient who was being evaluated to stand trial for murder. She helped him escape and they went to Florida to hide out. But they were eventually found and the guy was put on trial and got the chair. My aunt got off easy, but she moved far away and rarely came home."
p38-lightning
he didn't make it...
"The brother that was born between me and my first sister. It was my mothers second child. Apparently he only lived about 3 days. Neither my mom nor my dad ever wanted to talk about it much. My sisters and I both have seen the birth certificate, which my parents kept."
"We also know there were about 3 years where they waited before my mom became pregnant with my sister afterward. Both of my parents are deceased now and to be frank, I think I only got about a paragraph of conversation about it, ever, from either of my parents. Just a, 'he didn't make it.'"
"It's not creepy or some strange thing, it's just sad. You can tell it affected them both very powerfully, especially to go the rest of their lives and not really share it with current and future children they had. It must have been horrible."
suddenlyreddit
Now that she's dead...
"My mother's cult-induced severe mental illness, which caused her to viciously abuse her two oldest children verbally and physically, and forced my dad to have her committed to a mental hospital several times. Now that she's dead, we still don't talk about her much, lest she "come back from beyond the grave" and continue her lunatic ways..."
LusciousLennyStone
“drama”
"That I have been in contact with my birth family. My older brother and I are both adopted, but he has publicly stated that he has no intention to contact his own birth family, because, he feels that it would be disrespectful to the parents that have raised us, like, why mess with a good thing?"
"So, I’ve never told him that I did it. My husband also didn’t think I should contact them, he was concerned that there would be 'drama.' I keep in touch with some of my birth family mostly online and so far there’s been no drama."
Relevant_Proposal_63
Hey Stud
"That my late uncle was a gigolo. Only my father and I know the truth."
KazumaWillKiryu
Now being a gigolo has got to be a great story. Tell us more...
"always is right"
"My 'always right' aunty got proven wrong for once and rather than just accept it, she ghosted the whole family except for her immediate. Sometimes I talk to my cousins and always ask how wrong Wendi is doing?"
-AntiVegan-
"silver fox"
"How my uncle, whom is a single, 'silver fox' (so my grandma calls him), multimillionaire, executive of one of the big 3 car companies is secretly gay. We ALL know except grandma, that's why we don't talk about it. He also has no idea that the whole family knows."
laurmichele
All the Feels
"Sex, love, anorexia, emotions in general."
Constant-Memory-1069
"Mate, literally same. My parents are the most emotionally unavailable people I have ever met. It's not really their fault bc my entire family is cooked mental health wise, but damn."
"I'm convinced it was a huge contributing factor to my anorexia diagnosis. Lots of emotional turmoil but I wasn't taught how to talk about emotions, wasn't even really exposed to emotions, and no one to talk with about them anyway. Only way I could signal to the outside world I was not OK was starving myself, I guess. I'm ok now. Hope you are also ok."
Soggy_Biscuit_
Crazy Woman
"My cousin who is absolutely crazy. Got an abortion because she hated the guy, got married to him a few months later and started a family (they have 3 kids who are demons)… they moved out of state but she started coming back home once every few months to drop off the kids at her parents and then go on a bender and basically live in a motel for a few days."
"Then the divorce came, she married one of the guys she was banging on the side, got divorced again after cheating on him with husband number 1… now she’s dating her drug dealer. Again she still has custody of her 3 kids."
Old-Air1062
Whoops...
"I was a complete accident. They found out at the wedding and I’m pretty sure my Christian grandparents weren’t happy. They’ve only talked about it a few times."
AHorrorFreak
Some secrets are meant to stay in the family and meant to go to the grave.
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For the most part, survival tips have been taught to us from a young age. We know to call 911 if there's an emergency and to put pressure on a bleeding wound. Boy Scouts know to be always prepared. Hikers know to conserve water, campers know how to build a fire, and anyone who spends a great deal of time outdoors knows how to locate shelter.
However, those skills are pretty basic. If you get into real trouble, you'll need more specific survival skills in order to get yourself out of trouble.
Some people can give you survival tips that can mean the difference between life and death. Others may give you tips that seem to make sense, but will probably only lead to death. It can be a great skill to learn the difference.
That's probably the thought process that led Redditor scarredforlife164 to ask:
"What "survival tips" would probably get you killed?"
Not All Meat Is Safe To Eat
"Saw this on a survival show:
“If you find a dead animal and it’s fairly fresh (flies haven’t set in) its relatively safe to eat because a. It’s fresh b. Nothing has had a chance to spread disease to it by eating.”
"Problem is that if you can’t see a visible reason for death, it’s probably disease that killed the damn thing and you’re about to eat it."
"A girl on Naked and Afraid 40 days quoted the survivalist that said this shortly after finding a bird on the ground of the jungle she was in. The bird was fresh, still warm, flexible etc, just dead."
"She ended up contracting avian tuberculosis, which is apparently really hard to do if you’re not a bird"
– Apprehensive_Oven924
"This is why my parents always told me to not even touch dead animals (exemption: our pets, but we knew why they died). I can't believe that anyone would just eat some random dead animal."
– Nico_MyTrueSelf
The Shock Won't Save You
"Had a coworker try and tell me once the best way to disarm a guy pointing a handgun at your face was to quickly slap his hand holding the pistol because it would "shock him into dropping it". I've never tested the theory but I'm willing to bet any shock would just as likely cause that trigger finger to clench as well."
– ArchaeoFox
The Importance of Water
"Conserving all of your water. If you’re thirsty, drink!"
– getyourcheftogether
"Not drinking your water when lost and thirsty because you're almost out of water. There are lots of people found with water left who were fully dehydrated but to scared to run out of water"
– Logitoh
Don't Let Him Catch Up To You!
"run in a zig zag away from crocodiles, it just tires you out"
– No_Government_3604
Never Arm You Opponent
"Throwing knives were a thing when I was in the Army. If you have a knife and your opponent does not, don’t give it to him or her."
–Grillparzer47
"The enemy cannot push a button...if you disable his hand."
– hardspank916
Report It Right Away
"that you have to wait a certain amount of time before reporting someone missing. no, the second someone is missing, report it"
– karleyh6
No Bear Is One Color
"If its black fight back, if its brown lay down. Brown bears can be black and black bears can be brown"
– random_person4444
Run, Run As Fast As You Can
"Any “learn to fight in a weekend” martial arts tips. Step one: run like a mother f*cker."
– dewayneestes
Don't Drink Cactus Juice
"DO NOT DRINK WATER FROM A CATUS WHEN YOU’RE THIRSTY IN THE DESERT. IT IS PROBABLY GOING TO KILL YOU BEFORE DEHYDRATION DOES."
– Consistent_Leopard77
Tornado Tips
"DO NOT lay in a roadside ditch or hide under a bridge during a tornado."
"There's a good chance the tornado will flip your car on top of you in the ditch."
"Under the bridge will turn into a wind tunnel, accelerating the debris that will rip your body to shreds."
– tyleristheman02
Did you learn something? I certainly didn't know black bears could be brown and brown bears could be black. Of course, I prefer not to need to know anything about bears at all!
Survival tips are certainly important to know. Just make sure whatever tips you get are from a reputable source.
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There are certain things you should not be skimpy about when it comes time to buy them. For example: toiletries. Why in the world would you want to use somebody else's toothbrush? A used toothbrush, we should underscore.
You'd run away screaming if you saw a used one sitting on a shelf at Goodwill, wouldn't you? Of course you would. You would immediately go to the pharmacy and pick up a brand new one, like a smart person.
People shared their thoughts with us after Redditor Idkewokorsomthing asked the online community:
"What is the one thing you should always buy new?"
"Once it's been in an accident..."
"Bike helmets. Once it’s been in an accident or even just dropped, the foam is compressed and won’t protect you as much."
beetlereads
This is very true! Do not ever use a helmet that's already sustained an accident. It could be as bad as not wearing one at all.
"Fire chief in my town once said a ladder truck. He wouldn’t ask anyone to climb a used ladder. A used tanker or ambulance maybe."
Ok-cantaloupe7160
Don't those things have maintenance and inspection protocols in place? I would certainly hope so.
"Hard drives and flash memory..."
"Any sort of computer storage."
"Hard drives and flash memory used in solid state drives and flash drives wears down over time. The more you read and write to it, the more it wears down. If you buy used, you don't know what that storage was used for, how often, or how heavily. It could last you years to come or die the next day."
Batcastle3
Considering the lifetime of SSDs, it's kinda okay. There is almost no way to break one, and the cell life time is good, and controllers help protecting them from wear leveling.
For HDDs though, buying used drives is a bad idea.
"It's one thing..."
"Fabric furniture. It’s one thing to by your friends couch, but you have no idea what was going on with that sofa sitting in goodwill."
PMme
Bedbugs are terrifying. Trust me, you never want to deal with them.
"Though really..."
"Wicker furniture. Though really, you shouldn't buy that type of furniture at all. It's the perfect nesting space for bugs."
[deleted]
See?! What did I tell you?! Don't do it!
"You can't use them..."
"Oh, and baby car seats. You can't use them after a car accident and buying secondhand means you can't always verify that it hasn't been in one."
[deleted]
I would certainly hope that people aren't still using them after accidents. That's just asking for trouble.
"Once they've been..."
"Shoes, especially for kids. Once they've been worn in to conform with someone else's foot, you don't want your kids putting their growing feet in there to get reshaped."
i_know_tofu
Also... gross. Just gross.
Get your kids feet measured regularly and listen to your kids if they tell you that their shoes are too tight of they hurt.
"They're expensive..."
"Children's car seats. They're expensive but there's no guarantee what condition they are in second hand, particularly if they've been through an accident already."
[deleted]
Parents, take note! You'll definitely thank yourselves later.
"Climbing rope. You can't tell how many falls its had or how old it is, and it's literally your life line when you're rock climbing."
JudeoCrustacean
Very important! People die in climbing accidents each year – don't be one of them.
"It's actually not healthy..."
"Shoes. It’s actually not healthy to walk in some other person's shoes. It has an impact on your whole body and can cause severe different pains in your body."
pulpriot
You don't want to have issues with your feet in later life! Again, you'll be thankful you listened to this advice.
Some other things I'd add off the top of my head: Mattresses, power supplies, oh, and... this should go without saying, but underwear,
Yes, underwear. The human race pains me.
Have some recommendations of your own? Tell us more in the comments below!
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I've got a decent amount of animals - some fish, turtles, dogs, etc. - but out of all of them, Optimus Prime is definitely *my* pet.
He's kind of a jerk to everyone else, but a with me he's a the biggest bestest beefaroni boy.
That is an outright lie, this dog is awfully behaved and taught himself how to open doors so he stays letting mosquitos in the house and air conditioning all of South Florida instead of just my living room. I just have a soft spot for him.
But here's the thing - soft spot or not, if someone offered me $50k for this dog, my reaction wouldn't be horror because I just love my "shmoopies" and even can't imagine. I'm not that privileged.
I grew up poor, believe me I've imagined $50k a lot. "Shmoops" might get voted off the island when $50k keeps your babies safe and housed. Relax, animal lovers. Optimus Prime is in no danger of going anywhere.
Nobody is tryna pay $50k to be headbutted and farted at all day.
That fact is precisely why my reaction to someone offering me cash for him would be straight up suspicion.
Optimus is a big beautiful male pit bull with so much muscle that he has abs on his butt.
He doesn't have any official papers, and he's fixed so he can't be used for breeding.
He's not a therapy dog and doesn't do any special tricks (on purpose) and in the time it took me to write this intro he farted so loudly that he scared himself awake and then got so excited by the sudden wake up that he did 3 bunny bounces. It's clear this would not be a high-skilled-labor kind of hire, ya know?
So why would someone want to spend that much money on this dog specifically?
Hmm?
I'd be suspicious that anyone willing to drop serious money on him was going to try to use his size and strength in dog fights and THAT is not gonna fly with me. Not a chance.
The person offering would have to convince me that they're willing to spend that much money on a giant dumb pit bull for some non-fighting reason and that he would have a dope life. Maybe I'd say yes because they sincerely believe he's the reincarnated spirit of their college bro who died in a horrific skiing accident, and they need to take him on a cross country road trip to fulfill the last thing on their bromantic bucket list?
Maybe.
Reddit user spondgbob asked:
"If someone offered you $50,000 to buy your pet, how would you respond?"
Here's what Reddit has to say.
Outside
"I'd tell them to meet me outside the local PetSmart in an hour and then rush there and buy a hamster or something."
"Kind of my only option since I don't have a pet."
- eleven_eighteen
"You sir, are playing 3D chess while the rest of us are all playing checkers."
- StillAll
Irrational Love
"Great question."
"Made me think for a second because my immediate answer is no but upon thinking about it, and how badly I need the money, the answer is still no."
"Irrational love is crazy."
- To_Fight_The_Night
"Same."
"I could desperately use that money and there's nothing special about my cats. Took a moment to realize it's completely irrational but I could never part with these idiots."
"The harder question after this is at what price point, if any, would you do it?"
- joyfall
Everything Has A Price
"Everything has a price, and they’re in luck that the price for my blind, deaf, arthritic dog happens to be $50k"
- DoctorDblYou
"I mean $50k is $50k."
- MinnesotaMiller
"Like I get that some people view pets as family, good for them. I don't, so as long as they weren't gonna torture the animal or something, then 100% would do it."
- avelak
Poo Problems
" 'You may have the one that runs from it's own poo after it sh*ts' "
- Blastin-Ass
"Had a cat get spooked while sh*tting... when it finished he managed to nuke 4 rooms :( "
- tuffymon
"I call what my dog does a 'poop-about.' "
"Like a walk-about, but she is pooping as she waddles around the yard sniffing rocks and stuff. She's a weird critter and I love her more than anything."
- cycloptopussy
"One of my earliest memory is having a blast farting in the bathtub... and then..."
"Don't make fun of your pet, your own poop can be very scary and we deserve love no less than more courageous creatures."
- RaccoonyDave·
Bye
"Give it to them."
"I love my aquarium and fish in it. But I could build a sweet aquarium set up with $50k."
- Inner-Nothing7779
"Exactly! I wouldn't sell my dog but I'd give my aquariums away for 50k."
"One of them is a custom that a built a background for and I'd still give it away for 50k."
- RPC3
"Yeah, I would sell my cat in a heartbeat. Call me a narcissist I guess."
"Good thing I dont have kids."
- Maggy_Monster
$100k
"I'll take the $100,000 in cash."
"50k to give him to you and another 50k to take him back tomorrow when you've finally reached your limit and can't keep him anymore."
"My dog has his own spirit animal, and that spirit animal is a bag of dicks."
"My dog has separation anxiety and a powerful set of lungs."
"I have to drop him off at my mom's house on the way to work so he can be with someone familiar or else he'll be howling all day. He sounds like a dying bison."
"I'm talking loud enough to hear inside your house half a block away. While he's *inside* my house!"
- Tobias_Atwood
Medical Needs
"I'd sell."
"My kitty is old at this point and I worry now. Someone willing to pay $50k for her probably has the money to take care of medical needs that will be coming soon. That's money I dont have."
"I love her, she has been my family for 17 years now, but if she gets sick reality is I'm gonna have to get her put down probably. She'd have a better chance with someone rich to spoil her at the end."
- BlueClouds42
Sick Sh*t
"I'm shocked by everyone saying they'd do it?!"
"If someone is willing to pay that much, just imagine the sick sh*t they are planning on doing. No way I could live with myself."
"Would you sell your kid? You can get a lot more than 50k for one of them..."
"I have a hard time believing someone willing to sell a dog for a 'lot of money' wouldn't be tempted to or actually sell a child."
"It's alooooot of money for children, so if money is the motivator...."
- Pepperclue_55
Little Napoleon
"Couldn't sell."
"My a$$hole cat is a jerk, but family. Though I would expect a lot of push to sell him since he is mean to everyone with only rare moments of niceness."
"Plus they whoever got him would likely kill him."
"He is allergic to fish, can't wear a collar even a breakaway one (somehow almost strangled himself twice), sits in the middle of the road if he escapes, eats the random stuff on the ground, randomly attacks people (full on claws, teeth- goes for the veins usually breaks skin and causes a bruise), has diseases, and goes after other animals in the house regardless of size."
"I hate it and get mad at my boyfriend every time he says it, but he jokes that natural selection is trying its best with my cat. He's kind of right."
"He is untrainable and awful, but incredibly cute and everyone wants to pet him (but quickly learn not to go near him.) At least he does not attack kids 5 and under though."
"I wanted to name him lil Napoleon as he is perpetually ready for a battle and a short legged munchkin. I took him in from my sister but couldn't change his name so it became my nickname for him."
- Wolfling
Get Over It
"It is a beta fish that we have had for six days. The kids are currently celebrating it still being alive because they accidentally killed our first fish in about six hours."
"Suffice to say, I’m pretty sure we can get them over it."
"Yes please on the $50,000."
- NurmGurpler
Time to be honest with yourself—would you do it?
What would your reaction be?
Let's argue in the comments!
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