Just because one may know every episode of Law & Order: SVU, or is a Dateline NBS aficionado, doesn't mean one should think they know anything about the law. And it certainly doesn't mean one should represent themselves in court.
Redditor u/bigfoot1291 wanted to hear from the "sort of" legal eagles out there by asking.... Lawyers of reddit, what's the most laughable "I am not a lawyer, but..." claim you've ever read
50. I Declare.
As a lawyer I love seeing all of the Facebook posts telling Facebook what they do and do not consent to. It's the online equivalent of Michael Scott "declaring" bankruptcy. thekickassduke
49. You need help Sir.
This wasn't online, but a guy was representing himself pro se against a client of the legal clinic i worked at at the time.
She had a semi-public job doing promotion for a local pro sports team. Some dude did a brief fan interview with her at a game, and that lone interaction sparked a 5 year stalking saga (during which she got married and had kids with someone else) that culminated in the stalker making the following claim:
he wanted a paternity test for her children, because he was convinced she had paid someone to follow him, find out when he masturbates, break into his home, steal his semen, and deliver it back to her. apparently she had then impregnated herself with his kleenex semen and her two small children were actually his. i've never seen a judge looked as shocked, or as tired, as i did on the day that motion for paternity was denied. mutherofdoggos
48. I Rebuke You!
When I was a judicial intern I saw an arraignment where the defendant claimed the court had no power over her, because she was a sovereign citizen who did not recognize the federal or state governments.
Later learned that her sole source of income was Social Security. BAM521
47. Guilty & Stupid!
I once saw a defendant argue for a not guilty verdict because there was no "Mr or Mrs commonwealth" who testified.
Obviously the charges were commonwealth v defendant. He doesn't understand that. He was found guilty. The judge did not appreciate that. Super_C_Complex
46. Oh Reddit...Giphy
I've found that Redditors are absolutely obsessed with correcting each other with the idea that assault and battery are often confused, and that assault only ever means to put someone in fear of imminent harm. To the point where if I even point out that that is only true some times, in some places, I will be downvoted. Roughly a third of States define assault as some version of "purposely, knowingly or recklessly causes bodily injury to another." DoctorBaby
45. We're the Commons.
I'm a lawyer in the U.S. and for some reason people are obsessed with common law marriage. I see people on Reddit and even hear them IRL warning other people about how "You've lived with her for more than X years, you're common law married so you have to take that into account!" or "Well, we've been living in the same apartment together for X years, so we're common law married now."
Common law marriage is only a thing that can be done in a small handful of U.S. states now, and there are requirements to it. You have to hold yourself out as being married, live together, present yourselves to the world as being married, etc. You're not going to wake up one day and accidentally be "common law married."
ETA: Guys, I never claimed to be talking about the law in Canada or Australia. I'm aware that it's different in those places. SaltySolicitor
44. I Guess we'll see....
I had a non-lawyer try to tell me that testimony was not reliable evidence and that a judge could not rely upon it in making a factual determination. This was in the context of a small claims case I was helping my client prepare for. It was my client's word against the opposing party's, plus some photographs he was planning on introducing. I told the opposing party that "I'll guess we'll see what the judge does...." Spoiler: the judge found my client's testimony much more compelling and ruled in his favor. FRE802
43. Confused? Us too.
Nearly every time patents come up on reddit, people say something very wrong. Most commonly confusing patents, trademarks, and copyrights. But reddit is very anti-patent in general, so people hate on them for all sorts of misinformed reasons. Even most lawyers know very little about patent law because it is very niche and not a topic on any state bar that I'm aware of.
Also, saw a sovereign citizen represent themselves in a tax evasion case where they tried arguing something about the government only being able to tax his corporate self and no his personal self, so he had no obligation to pay taxes? I had a hard time following his arguments because it was so non-sensical. CougarOnAComet
My favorite is "if you ask an undercover officer if he is a police officer he can't legally lie to you."
Yes. Yes he can.
Had an undercover in on a deposition once and he had been wearing a wire for part of the investigation. He was asked if he was undercover by a codefendant and his response was :
"Yea, obviously, I'm here buying drugs from you guys cause I'm an undercover police officer. I have a wire hidden under my beard and everything you moron." He said it with such immense sarcasm they didn't think twice about it and sold him a trafficking amount. cawlaw84
Copyright infringement. "All you have to do is change three things."
That's called a derivative work. Still copyright infringement. What you actually have to do is not copy. sam_l_clemens
40. The Freemason.
My favorite: "the judge cannot determine this matter because he is a member of the freemasons, and the freemasons do not believe in the concept of private property." This case ended with the non lawyer accusing everyone of being a freemason.
The same non lawyer also ran an appeal in that case based on the fact that the judge was not a real judge, because the judge had not taken his oath of office. The non lawyer had dug up a transcript of the judge's swearing in ceremony which read judge Smith takes oath of office, when the judge took his oath, instead of the actual words of the oath.
The non lawyer referred to outdated and repealed laws from 1730, which said all oaths had to be transcribed word for word, as a basis for the fact that the judge was not a real judge.
If his interpretation was correct, I think no current judge in Australia is a 'real judge.' thatdogoninstagram
39. It Depends.Giphy
My answer is actually basically all of the "I am not a lawyer, but..." claims.
The funny thing about being a lawyer is that the answer is almost always "it depends." Sure, the laws generally stay the same but the outcomes are so contingent upon the facts that you can never know with certainty how something will turn out. Thus, my answer for 90+% of my clients is it depends on (who the judge is, who shows up to testify, what the witnesses say, what theme opposing counsel goes with, etc...).
More importantly, we are not allowed to guarantee results and for good reason - the simple fact of the matter is judges, juries, prosecutors, and opposing counsel can make different decisions based on identical facts and laws.
I think the only time "I am not a lawyer, but" would be appropriate is if someone is saying "I am not a lawyer, but you need to consult with an attorney." hostilecarrot
One of my clients was told by someone on the staff of the nursing home where her mother lives that if an Enduring Power of Attorney (basically a power of attorney made in contemplation of future mental incapacity that unlike most powers of attorney does not become invalid if the donor becomes incapacitated) is voided if the original staples that held the pages together are removed.
I can see a tiny grain of truth to this in that if the validity of the document was contested the fact that it had been taken apart and stapled together again might be some evidence to support that but there is no way that evidence alone would determine the issue.
And don't even get me started about people who use the term "hearsay" but don't know what it means. This has become an epidemic. Kenn1121
37. Be Reasonable.Giphy
My favorite was on advice for home invasion. According to the poster, you could shoot to kill anyone who comes in uninvited.
Absolutely not the case, because self defense by definition requires "reasonable force." It's more lenient in some states and even more lenient in rural areas, but it's just irresponsible to spread this kind of misinformation. Reddit
36. The Sovereign Citizen.
The "sovereign citizen" stuff is my favorite. "The United States is a corporation and the law of the seas applies! Just look at the fringe on that flag! I do not consent to jurisdiction!"
Runner up is "you can't show me any law that requires me to pay federal income tax!" HeartsOfDarkness
35. The Patenter...
I'm a recovering patent attorney who now works at a major research university doing work in autonomous vehicles, AI, and a number of other high-tech fields. The number of people who don't understand patents, particularly on reddit, is astounding.
And the number of people who comment as if they know what they are talking about is also unreal. I shouldn't be surprised by the comments alone because it's reddit, but I'm the number of upvotes that follow are mind boggling. I stop myself from submitting a response to those types of posts on a daily basis because it's just not worth my time.
34. It's just coffee....
My two favorites are when people talk about the McDonald's coffee case as an example of greedy plaintiffs taking advantage of the system or, conversely, when they say "X Company has an army of lawyers on staff to fight the case."Notsureifsirius
33. The Actors...
A tale from back in my public defender-ing days:
Sovereign citizens are a special kind of stupid. Percentage-wise, I don't know how many of them are true believers and how many think they've just found some clever loophole or another. At any rate, they were always the most interesting clients.
One of them was a young gent who decided to represent another buddy of his to spin his nonsense to the judge. Unfortunately, the fellow who would become my client was a regular defendant in that same courtroom—and everyone there knew he wasn't a lawyer.
When he was arrested—which is to say immediately—the judge was not swayed by his argument that he was "acting of counsel" rather than "practicing law without a license."
The operating a motor vehicle charge which would follow was only semi-related. Silentclock1
On a first appearance for a criminal matter, the defendant going pro se (representing himself). Note: he is not incarcerated and only has to check in with the court once per week over the phone on release.
I demand this case be dismissed pursuant to my fourteenth amendment right not to be deprived from liberty.
Judge: counselor, do you have a response?
Me: Without due process of law, which is why we're here for you to read Mr. Defendant his rights, Your Honor. WholeGrainMustard
31. Just Sue....
I browse /r/PublicFreakout a lot and it never fails to make me laugh when people are being filmed throwing a tantrum and they start screaming about how it's illegal and they are going to call up their lawyer and sue them. Makes me think of this video from Wonder Shozen -eDgAR-
30. Zip Code Please....
In general people arguing for an hour before realizing they live in different countries. not-a-bear-in-a-wig
29. You're a Dog.
"I'm not a lawyer but I'm fairly certain that I could frame a dog for murder." human_of_reddit
Oh I've framed animals before. I framed a raccoon for opening a Christmas present. And I framed a bear for eating out of the garbage. bfelification
28. Phoenix Wright.
Guy claimed he could lawyer himself because he played Phoenix Wright ace attorney. cacmonkey
This is similar to an Arrested Development episode. Michael is convinced he can represent his family because he played a lawyer in a play in grade school so he reads up on maritime law. It didn't go well. Jarvicious
27. I Know it All.Giphy
Met someone who said they knew everything about the law and was studying to be a lawyer. Turns out she was temping as a paralegal for the better part of a week. kushasorous
26. The Gubment!
Anything on /r/legaladvice. DO NOT GO THERE FOR ACTUAL LEGAL ADVICE. I go there to laugh because come on.
In real practice, though, we get those nutty Pro Per Plaintiffs suing for millions or billions because of some slight, or because the Gubment doesn't have jurisdiction over them as FREE MURICANS Coolest_Breezy
25. Count the Chords.
Am (legally but I quit) a corporate lawyer. Basically no one understands fair use and copyright. I keep seeing people analyzing songs and art and calling everything plagiarism and copyright infringement; I'm not talking songs, but stuff like chord progressions or character names. Just because something exists within a work doesn't make it the author's exclusive property. Vaaaaare
24. Separate Counsel Please....
I once had a person claim that within there was no such thing as the adversarial system and that we were just trying to inflame a contested divorce.
Should mention we live in a common law system and both parties had retained separate counsel. SweatCleansTheSuit
23. You're Out.
I work a lot in Real Estate law and I generally enjoy reading anything that comes up related to Landlord-Tenant laws. Generally speaking, Reddit loves to jump on the "illegal" and "don't pay" bandwagon. These are terrible pieces of advice.
I have seen plenty of people recommend solutions that would likely result in eviction. I usually hop in, politely inform the poster that laws vary from State to State and that OP should review local LL/Tenant laws. xemp1r3x
For whatever reason, a lot of people do not understand that only the government, not private citizens or corporations, can violate your rights.
The most obvious example is that Facebook, Twitter, etc. are well within their rights kicking Alex Jones off their platforms.
A more complicated example involves the Fourth Amendment's search and seizure rules. The police are not allowed to unreasonably search you. There's nothing in the Constitution barring a private citizen from unreasonably searching you and handing over any evidence to the police, though. Bigcat95
21. Not Evidence.
There seems to be a general misunderstanding that testimony is not evidence. For example, I see this a lot in assault cases. People will say the victim has no evidence; that it's just a he-said/she-said. What a witness says on the stand is evidence. It's just up to the trier of fact to decide whether it's credible evidence. marksy_momma
20. The Deflate.Giphy
Absolutely the best IANAL arguments I saw on Reddit came during the "Deflate Gate" scandal in the NFL. For those who do not know, Tom Brady, the superstar quarterback for the very successful New England Patriots, was found to have deflated footballs in violation of league rules. That's kind of a minor thing, but it was against one of the best players in the league's history, and Brady fought it like crazy. The issue resulted in litigation in the Southern District of New York and, later, the 2d Circuit Court of Appeals.
Patriots fans vociferously defended Brady and, frankly, I would expect nothing less. But some of the legal arguments Patriots fans would make were astounding. It was some time ago, so I do not recall specifics, but it was as if every Patriots fan on Reddit suddenly got a law degree and had years of experience practicing law.
What I do remember, though, was their fans would often re-hash the legal arguments Brady's (very talented) attorneys made in court filings as if they were gospel. But attorneys are paid to be persuasive -- everything we write seems compelling at first blush. But even if we write it authoritatively, it could certainly be wrong and lose. And that's ultimately what happened to Brady. Although, credit to his attorneys, he had some success at the trial court level, which was mind-boggling to me. The 2d Circuit corrected that. Guhonda
19. Car Assault.
"If someone touches your car, it's technically assault and you're allowed to run them over in self defense." gritwoodser
18. That's New.
This random guy at the deli told me, "I'm not a lawyer but I know for a fact my baby mama ain't gonna get a dime of this child support money!" I asked him why he thought that and he said it was because she owed back taxes with the IRS and they were going to garnish the child support payments to pay it off. All I responded with was "wow that's new!" SmartyLox
I'm in real estate, Over the last year or two I've seen a lot of people try to quote the law as if they are lawyers. No Karen, misinterpreting your lease contract and the law supporting it does not mean you get to do what ever you want. "Mitigate damages" is not a get out of jail free card. GeroVeritas17.
16. Blame the Alcohol....Giphy
Just today a semi-retired police officer told us if you get pulled over while DUI, just chug an open liquor bottle in front of the officer. He claimed they can't prove anything then. Obviously I didn't have the life experience to call bull, and I'm sure a super expensive and super connected lawyer could get it down to open container, but I'm almost positive any old lawyer could easily prove you were drunk. Alcohol isn't instantaneous. Kurinkurupochi
15. Security Agreement.
Many years ago... a-hole former judge owned a company the owed my employer (I was controller) a bunch of money. He signed a "security agreement" for their receivables, meaning we could collect the company's receivables to recover our debt.
The only problem was one of his employees was a friend of my boss and brought in a copy of exactly the same agreement, but with another company, dated a month before. Now, being a CPA candidate, I was studying business law and said, well, this looks like fraud and we can sue his ass for the entire company.
My boss calls our attorney (who hated the judge with a passion) and related the situation. Yep, fraud. We went to court, got summary judgement (the judge just laughed at the crooked judge) and we owned the company. It was fun. Reddit
14. I AM HERE!!
Literally anyone who claims to be an expert on the law who obviously don't know crap. Like they've seen a couple of police procedural TV shows where they heard Miranda rights and they think they're now qualified to argue a case before the supreme court.
Where I run into this personally is whenever I'm throwing someone out of the hospital where I worked. "I have a right to be here!" No, you have the right to seek medical attention. If you're just a visitor and you're here to steal meds and pick fist fights you're out the door, fool. Patches67
13. Yellow Fringe.
Yellow Fringe Flag theory. Had a criminal defendant demand I use this in their defense. No. F No. It is a warped, bizarre melange of admiralty law, constitutional law, army regulations, and some other junk that can be summarized as "If the court room flag has yellow fringe on it, you are not constitutional [because you are now a military court without justification for martial law], and therefore, you have to let me walk."
BTW, most courts where I am at have yellow fringe on their flags as a common design theme. Wheres_my_warg
12. X vs. X
There's so many... mostly statements about the first amendment, since that only applies to government action, not private action. I would say I also see a lot of claims on how it's unfair to discriminate against X where X is not a protected class (or partially protected class). There are not as many protected classes or they are far more limited than people think. So if someone spontaneously decides to deny you service at a restaurant and it's not for a clearly enumerated reason relating to a protected class... you most likely do not have a claim against them. You can sue them but a judge will laugh you out of court.12.
On a more practical matter, people also tend to very over inflate how much certain industries will be shaken up by recent legislation or appointees. People/clients sometimes assume that everything is going to change all at once. Yes, things do change, but like... the SEC is not going to stop enforcing securities regulation anytime soon. Sarbanes-Oxley is not going anywhere fast. ollieastic
11. Get a Real One!
I work for a courier service and while we don't specialize in legal work we still get quite a lot of requests. The best are the kooks trying to do pro per work. Non-lawyers trying to represent themselves are 99.9% of the time completely insane. One time I referred a pro per kook to a different legal service and 20 minutes later got a call from that service laughing telling me to not send them anymore crazies.
Hey people, if you are working with the law get a damn lawyer. straws
10. License for a Font.
"I'm not infringing on the patent, I got it from google images, which is in the creative commons."
Sadly, have heard this defense more than once. And yes, when they say 'patent' they are usually infringing either a trademark or copyright. Usually people in the graphics/design department.
Also, fonts is a big one:
"Do we have a license for that font?" "Of course, I downloaded it from fr3eFontz.ru, why?" HappycatAF
9. Hats Off.Giphy
Lawyers and other folks that work in courthouses, hats off to you for putting up with the idiocy of the clients you work with. Raging_Utahn
8. No Trespass...
There's two really common ones that come up over here in Scotland. First is 'if the price is wrongly marked on a product the seller HAS to sell it for that price.'
Secondly, because we have a general right to roam the countryside so many people spout 'there Is no trespass in Scotland.' The Trespass Act disagrees.
Also the age old 'statutes aren't law, they rely on consetn' chestnuts. jazaraz1
Not sure if this is what you're looking for, but a few clients have wanted us to "pressure" or "strongarm" the other side into doing thing or they would come forward with damning evidence.
Depending on the circumstances, their game plan often amounts to extortion or blackmail, and despite what TV seems to think, is pretty illegal. You'd think people would be more understanding when you say you won't break the law for them, but I guess not! WhiskaLifa
6. They have a Camera!
Someone threatened to sue me personally and the store I worked at because I thought her daughter and her friends stole something (if you heard a boy yell "Oh HELL! THEY HAVE A CAMERA!" And came from the back to see them all booking it out the door you'd probably be a little suspicious too).
She claimed that I traumatized and assaulted her daughter when all I did was have mall security stop them while I asked if they stole something. Apparently she had consulted some random person and said she had a "dangerously good case." She also called the police on me who ended up escorting her out all the while she threatened to sue their police department. Reddit
5. Not Liable.Giphy
This is not exactly on point, but my favorite are the signs on the back of gravel trucks that say something along the lines of "Not Responsible for Broken Windshields."
As if you can simply release yourself from liability for negligence by saying "I'm not liable." Absolutely ridiculous. jerkeejoe5
4. But I Paid for It!
Mexican lawyer here. Had an argument with my dad about the ownership of an apartment my mom kept after the divorce.
"But I paid for it. That may be so, but you put it in my mom's name and legally agreed to let her keep it during the divorce proceedings. You even signed a judicial agreement that says so. "Yeah, but I paid for it" "I understand, but that's not how property works, if you put it in her name and didn't contest it in the divorce, it's hers" "... I don't understand. If I paid for it, it's mine, that's how property works. I could have it back if I wanted." Aercturius
3. The Tax Code.
I once was told by someone who owns a wealth management company that she knew the entire tax code to memory and that it was her job to know it all, and all it's repercussions. The entire tax code! I laughed all the way home and still chuckle to this day at the audacity of that statement. millennial_dad
2. Don't Hold Your Breath.
Everything related to Trump, impeachment, etc. that you see parroted from news headlines has no basis in jurisprudence. It's usually wishful thinking or giant corporations trying to change the narrative. Don't hold your breath. DrZangief
"I'm not sure how to get the attention of someone who owes me money. Do you think it's a good idea to make a public Facebook post where i inform the public about how they are in debt to me and refuse to pay back my money? I'm not a lawyer but I think that's the best way to get their attention."
You're right, it's also the best way to be sued for defamation. DomDomBrah
The amount of frivolous personal complaints seems to have hit new levels.
Whether it's complaints from co-workers or customers, nonsense is nonsense. The things I've heard people complain about in the workplace boggles my mind.
"Your smile isn't bright enough."
"I didn't feel appreciated."
"The color of your shirt is too loud."
"Your name is offensive."
Redditor InfiniteCalendar1 wanted to hear about some of the drama that's been thrown people's way, so they asked:
"What is the most ridiculous thing someone has filed a complaint against you or someone you know about?"
I once had a customer complain I didn't read the menu to her.
Not make suggestions, but literally read the menu to her.
"you guys have a great day"Giphy
"Working in retail I once said 'you guys have a great day' I was reported by an elderly women who objected to not being addressed as 'ma'am'."
"She also objected to 'have a great day' because she had come into the aquarium store because her fish was dead and she was upset that someone would tell her to 'have a great day' when her fish had died."
A measly grand?
"I got sued in small claims court by a mentally ill man who said I stole $1000 worth of roast beef and 2 sun tanning lights from him."
"It got continued twice and by the time we had our day in court, he forgot what he sued me for and just went off on a tirade about me being an a**hole."
"I once had a complaint filed against me for calling someone a slur in the elevator. My boss called me in, and we watched the camera footage from the elevator."
"Me and the other person were talking and having a good conversation and laughing with each other. My boss just said 'yeah I watched it earlier and I have no idea what they are talking about'."
"So someone tried to get me fired for no reason."
(manager and up)
"I once was told there was a high-level (manager and up) meeting being held about me… on account of my emails being written too well. :/ "
"I can write quick, well-worded emails, and someone in upper management thought that I must have been spending too much time writing my emails, possibly as a means of appearing to be superior to others."
"I worked at McDonalds. A man put a complaint in because I wouldn't let him in after we'd already shut."
Yeah, closed means closed.
You had time to get there during open hours. See you tomorrow.
We have lives too.
No thank you...Giphy
"Got a complaint filed against me by a customer for unnecessary rudeness because I turned down a guy's offer to take me out on a date."
"He asked me (repeatedly) while I was working. Dude was at least in his mid 40s; I was 16."
a scarlet letter...
"When I was a teenager working at an ice cream store, a secret shopper wrote that I was 'friendly but did not smile'."
"This write up was posted on the bulletin board like it was a scarlet letter of shame and the manager talked to me about smiling more."
"30 years later, I am still friendly but unsmiling."
A Little Off
"I had a coworker from a different department call me this morning and threatened me for something his boss had done regarding something I have no control over."
"I eventually got him to sheepishly admit that there was nothing I had control over in the situation and he was mad his boss had made the decision without consulting him first."
"Government work attracts some odd balls."
I hate retail!
"I was working in a lighting store (ceiling lights, chandeliers, etc). Secret shoppers would get sent over to us every so often and they were usually pretty obvious."
"This guy claimed he needed ceiling fans for his home so I go through the whole thing finding fans that work in his rooms, suit the design of his home, airflow needs, etc. But obviously without a specific need to buy something requiring electrical wiring this guy left without purchasing."
"He wrote that I was excellent in every way but didn't try to upsell him anything."
"At the next staff meeting the manager read this out, tried shame me in front of everyone and stressed that we need to try and sell people crap they don't even need."
"How the heck do I upsell a damn ceiling fan? 'Hey would you like a $2000 crystal chandelier with your fans? How about a set of garden lights?' I hate retail."
Stay Literate...Read Friends Tv GIFGiphy
"I once had a coworker file an HR complaint against me for reading books at lunch."
"I told HR that he's probably just offended I'm not reading hardcore pornography magazines on the clock like he does."
I'm so glad I work at home with only dogs and a cat.
And when I go outside I avoid eye contact for all of these reasons.
Find some inner peace folks.
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Death is coming for all of us.
I hate that fact about life, so I do my best to ignore it. But I know it's there. So every once in a while I can't help but wonder about it.
My biggest hope is the end is quick and painless, but some warning would be nice, so I have time to do a few things.
I often ponder what that list of "things" would entail if I was given a warning.
And what if that ending was coming fast? How do you sufficiently spend a few hours wrapping up a life?
Redditor Valleygawd wanted to hear about how we would spend those final, precious moments by asking:
"You have 24 hours left alive, what do you do for your last day on earth?"
"Say goodbye to all my friends, go outside and take my dog on a long walk and then back home to have pizza and await my fate."
"Eat McDonald's at a Burger King. What they gonna do, send me to jail for life."
"I'd buy two large fries and two large cokes at Mcdonald's and take them over to Burger King and order two whoppers for lunch."
"I know this is satire, but a buddy of mine once got kicked out of a McDonald's lobby for bringing in KFC. We were all in high school and meeting to do homework but instead we all ended up leaving."
You've Got Mail
"Send out a chain message to everyone I know saying that if you don't share this with 10 people, the person you received this message from will die tomorrow."
"Plus add on that if the people they share it to don't share it to 10 other people, they will die themselves."
"If I'm guaranteed 24 hours alive I will do a ton of extremely dangerous crap because I can't die until the 24 hours are up."
"Morphine drip is how a lot of us go anyhow. Doesn't seem so bad."
Well that should keep the time lively, but I don't understand doing things that could cut short what little time there already is.
To each their own, I guess.
Out & AboutGiphy
"If I'm gonna die, then they might as well know. I'm coming out, doing what I want for once and having the most comforting day in my life."
Expose it All
"Tell everyone I love how I feel and then get all my passwords and crap in order so people can close out all my online activities. Then go hold my wife until I die... well, probably I'll go sit in the emergency room to die so my wife doesn't have to remember me dying in her arms the rest of her life."
"Rack up as much debt as I can buying expensive things and hiding them for my family to find later (after the estate has been sorted out)."
"Makes me wonder if I have 50k in CC debt and 75k in the bank, does my family get all 75 or will the bank be legally entitled to get 50k back?"
"The banks get 50k and your family gets the leftovers. If you don't have enough money then your estate is dissolved and your family gets nothing, the debt goes away (unless someone tricks your fam into paying the debt with their money)."
Send the Message
"Spend the 24 hours with my kids and family cultivating a few last precious memories for them. Also a few hours staving off sleep recording messages for them to be able to listen to when they are older - things they aren't old enough to hear, but I would like them to hear from me when they are ready for the message."
I don't know anymore...
"Well, I wouldn't live long enough to face the consequences for whatever I do, so I'd do some things I see as bad ideas at the moment:"
"I'd cuss out my most hated person in the world. Forget that guy."
"I'd tell my best friend (former best friend? I don't know anymore...) how I feel about them, and apologize for hiding it."
"Other than that, I dunno what I'd do, maybe spend time with friends or family or panic. Make sure to let everyone know that I wouldn't be around much longer."
Where to Begin?Giphy
"Fix my will, delete all electronics, call a firm to take my stuff to goodwill, call a real estate agent and put apartment for sale, give my organs to hospital. And if time, I reckon a good nap and massage would be nice too."
Is there really a best way to spend your last 24 hours?
You can't travel, that's time consuming. There will always be so much more to do.
Que será, será, I suppose.
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You never really know the people you meet.
Sound a little too much? You'd be surprised.
Who was the most dangerous person you've meet?
You can meet people randomly, anywhere, who might possess more than what's on the surface. Either their past, or their present, dictates their capabilities, and if you say or do the wrong thing, they could lash out at you at any moment.
Say More Right Now!
"My ex. He was handsome and charismatic and very charming. Like a monster in beautiful sheep's clothing. Suddenly after a few fingers of Brandy, he made Charles Manson look inviting. It took 4.5 years, a hostage situation, a SWAT team, and me changing my name and moving 5 states to get away."
"Some people need warning labels."
Needing Something To Help Change
"A guy who I knew for a long time, was extremely friendly and overall a nice guy, we used to live in the same building but didn't hang out often."
"Time passed and I didn't see him for years, though he headed back to the state his family lives at, pretty far from where I live, instead, I learned after he got released that he went to prison for 7 years for drug dealing and [selling] illegal guns, turns out the guy was kind of a big shot in organized crime [around] the area, never suspected a thing."
"Now days he did a completely 180°, his daughter was born and he's working in a honest job, I'm glad things are looking better for him, still kinda weird, I used to play soccer with the guy and thought I knew him well, when in fact I knew nothing about him..."
Not Full Of It
"So seems like everyone is naming off various criminals. I was in the military (not me or any of my close buddies, I was a mechanic). One of the instructors in my training company was a sniper with many deployments and a slew of confirmed kills. Sometimes instructors like to hype themselves or fellow instructors up to scare recruits. Well I ended up running into him a few years later on deployment and turns out he was indeed not full of sh-t. He was about to board one of birds to go out on a mission. One that ended being "successful". Also, outside of boot camp, he was a very calm and genuinely nice guy. Unless you were the enemy of course"
"I once met a violent felon from England who had just been released from prison. My cousin took me to a random house party, I started a conversation with the other person that seemed awkward there. Turns out they had just been released from prison recently for violent offense. To make matters worse, instead of flashing him the peace sign as I left, apparently I made a vulgar gesture and I had to get to the vehicle quickly."
It's always the ones you least expect, right? The ones who are maybe a little too quiet, or maybe a little too nice, who reveal themselves to be the most deadly.
A Lot For Someone Under 18
"Grew up with a kid on my street in a small town. He was a few years older than kinda a punk as a kid, but we all were. Used to skateboard, rollerblade and he would show me Explicit music when I was too young to get it myself. Come high school time we never really associated because he had gotten heavily into drugs. Got into a bad meth deal and went back and blew their heads off a few blocks from our houses… After the whole story came out, it turns out they had tied him to a chair and burnt him with cigarettes repeatedly. Obviously killing someone is wrong but, I'm fairly certain a child doesn't deserve full punishment for killing 2 men who tortured him. I'm pretty sure he got life in prison before he even turned 18"
Almost Hired Them
"We had a young carpenter come to our home to discuss a remodeling job when we had young children."
"Very soon afterward there was an article in the newspaper about him - how he had been accidentally released from prison. He had murdered a small child, and was sent back to jail."
"I've always wondered what could have happened if we had hired him, and our children had been rambunctious and annoyed him....."
Not Where I'm Supposed To Be
"Some guy I met in county jail. GP was filled up, so they put me on the psych floor. I figured he was just there for a minor thing because he didn't seem like a bad guy. Turns out he killed two people over a drug deal gone bad. Dismembered their bodies then just left them like that in an open field to send a message."
"Why were you in the same pod as them? What crimes were you in for damn"
"Warrant for unpaid speeding tickets. Back then, county was so full, they just put you wherever there's space to fit a new body. They didn't care."
You Think You Know Someone...
"The security guard at my office building was the nicest guy. Always greeted everyone by name, always remembered little details about people, like, "Hey, how is your dog doing? Did everything check out at the vet?" And so on. Told me he was patrolling the lot, and noticed the air in my tires was getting a bit low, and to be careful."
"One morning, he came in, was telling jokes, smiling as always."
"Later that evening found out he had killed his wife and young son the night before, and came into work like nothing happened!"
Never Let Age Or Stature Indicate Capability
"Something similar happened to me. This girl I wouldn't say was scary in the sense of stature or physically scary at all, though she was pretty weird. So I worked at phone store a couple years ago and she came in with her mom, she's probably high school aged if I recall correctly, so they come in and this is the 2nd time in a week or so so I help them out again, they buy 2 phones and 2 smart watches and finance it all on their account, both happy as can be laughing and making conversation."
"I show up to work the next day and my manger is talking about something in the news, apparently [Insert girls name] had taken her best friend out into the woods and shot her in the back of the head the day before she came in and bought some stuff from me. I spent probably a good 2 hours with her. Pretty crazy stuff."
Dungeons & Dragons & Murder
"Similar - A guy I used to play D&D with ran the game from his basement. He told us one week to move our stuff from the table to a shelf if we were going to leave it there because he was going to do "spring cleaning" in the late summer. The room looked clean but what ever. He "forgot" to do it that week and had us to it the next week (2nd friday). Then the third friday when we gamed again he got a call from the cops asking if he knew anything about his ex from 10 years ago that was missing. He told us all he had nothing to do with it. That following monday he was swated, the cops searched his house and took his truck. A month later they found an odd stop on his trucks GPS. After checking that stop they found her body."
"The entire time he was acting like his normal self other then "being tired from cleaning". He is now sitting in jail. I wrote him once. He acts like nothing is wrong and that he will be out "soon" even though its been a full year. I hope he rots."
You never know who you're talking with.
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Humans can connect with everything.
Which fictional character's death made you cry?
Let's get the notable ones out of the way, the ones that hit us as kids that we've never truly gotten over.
Feeling That Real World Connection
"Sirius Black; I sobbbbbbed my first read through of Order of the Phoenix ."
"As someone who's parents are dead and who's uncle became the parent by default, I can't agree more with this. I watched his death while running on the treadmill the other day and had to stop because I was crying from all orifices"
The Song Is Called "Married Life." You're Welcome.
"Ellie from Up! "
"Gets me every time"
Gotta Watch Them Bees
"Too many to count but I remember crying my eyes out at the end of My Girl when I was like, seven or eight watching it on VHS, probably the first character death that made me cry"
"His glasses! He can't see without his glasses." Gets me EVERY time"
Just When You Think There's Only One To Deal With...
"Tara from Buffy"
"Also Joyce, I bawled my eyes out"
"I'm showing Buffy to a friend for the first time and Joyce's death basically just happened. Buffy's reaction is so heartbreaking. We watched Once More With Feeling last night so Tara's death is only a few episodes away now. I'm dreading it."
Maybe it's the nature of the death, or how we feel a character didn't deserve their untimely fate, that resonates with us the most. "They didn't deserve that!" we'll scream to no one because we're in a theater or at home, watching Netflix at 3 in the morning.
You Know There's Only Going To Be One
"Ali in squid game"
"I actually cried"
"There are other scenes that made me cry in the show, but Ali's is the only one that's literally so goddamn hard for me to watch."
I'm Tired, Boss
"John Coffey from The Green Mile."
"Ughhh. It's "Don't put me in the dark boss, I'm scared of the dark" gets me every time. That and hanks grabbing his hand."
That's Somehow Worse Than Crying?
"Leslie in Bridge to Terabithia"
"I didn't cry, but I still remember vivid dreams about trying to find her in a search party on more than one occasion."
And then there's these, characters who sacrificed everything for the ensuring safety of their friends, family, and loved ones.
Men Are Imperfect
"Borimir, he died with honor, you wanna make a man cry show him a gripping scene of a man restoring his honor and being strong in the face of great adversity at the cost of his own life. The scene with him as he dies holding aragorns hand asking forgiveness and receiving it, im tearing up rn f-ck."
"Disappointing how far I had to scroll to find this response."
"Boromir was a true representative of mankind. An extremely complex character that was good at heart, but was overcome with desperation. He didn't know what would happen with his community and acted how he thought was right."
"At the end of the day, he did the right thing when his friends were in danger."
"One of the best characters ever to be created. He causes such internal strife for me every time I watch the movies. Depending how my life is at the time, I will agree with different aspects of his actions. But at the end of the day I will always respect him and cry when he dies."
He Might Have Been Your Father...
"Since I watched it again last night, Yondu in Guardians of the Galaxy 2. The Ravager funeral always gets to me, especially Kraglin's reaction to it."
"He may have been your father, boy, but he wasn't your daddy!"
"My wife had a six year old daughter when we met. She'd gone no contract with the father when my step daughter was 2 because he was unstable and had violent tendencies. My step daughter tracked him down when she was about 14 and started rebuilding their relationship. He'd gotten mental health treatment in the twelve years since my wife met him, so we were okay with this and she even went live with him for a while. That didn't last because he didn't have the patience to cope with the unique challenges of being a parent to her (she has her own mental health issues) and she came back home, saying that she was glad to have gotten to know him but that I was her real dad."
"Yeah, I ugly cried in the theater when Yondu died."
You Can Rest, Now
"Tony Stark, he was the first hero I watched in high school. By the time he died, I realized I'd known the guy through movies for over 10 years at that point. I had graduated college, grad school, and started a new job. All those memories of my friends learning how to play the iron man theme song were some of the best years."
"This one was harsh. I was not expecting it."
"And then you start thinking about his kid and Pepper who he left behind. Damn, I'm going to get choked up thinking about it."
I'm not crying.
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