Parents Who Regret Having Kids Explain What They Wish They Knew Beforehand
Not everyone is meant to be a parent. The societal pressure to have kids is something that leads a lot of people to reproduce, whether or not they like it. It may seem impossible to some to full-on regret having kids, but these Redditors do. Here are there stories.
u/Lemonlemongo asked: Parents who regretted having kids, what do you wish you had known before?
Lots of good advice.
I regret not doing/knowing the following before I had kids:
1.) Travel, a lot. Everywhere, the farther the better. Spend your money on it, use your time.
2.) Don't brush off school districts and schools when you buy a house, it may not matter now but it may be the things that changes your entire world in a few years, don't be selfish because it's a great price and you love the location now, but the schools are sh! t, Don't. Don't do that. You will be in a bad place later.
3.) Make sure your spouse will really, truly, co-parent with you. My cousins husband would change her sons diapers but not their daughters because "ew, that's weird" ... Figure it out before you're like 10 years into marriage and decide it's the right time.
4.) Consider your family dynamic - maybe you're just fine on your own with little help as an adult, but when you have kids, you need a village more than you'd like. Working with kids that constantly get sent home sick and need to go to the doctor, special half days at school and long school breaks. If it is just up to you and your spouse to take time away for all of that, you better have an understanding job that provides ample time and/or very close family and friends that are willing to take kids, pick them up, do overnights, the whole deal. My parents are in florida half the year and my in laws work full time. It's way more tough than I thought. I constantly feel like I'm going to get fired because I'm taking another unexpected day off because my kid can't go to daycare because they're sick.
5.) If you really want to have kids you better consider the fact that even though you feel pretty rich as a single person, or a maybe a two income household, that your area better have good, affordable daycare, or you or your spouse better be planning to stay home, in order to afford a kid or more. I know lots of people who make good money who were shocked to figure out that basically they can only afford to have one kid because the cost of childcare or the cost of staying home was so great that they could barely afford it. I live in a place where daycare is very affordable, I have three kids and we pay over $30,000 a year for daycare, and that's just the tuition. This is not your parents time - it's different out there now.
6.) This one got me the most - how independent/selfish/lazy are you... really. I'm what I considered to be a relatively well adjusted only child. I'm used to my space, my own time, being independent. I'm also pretty lazy. When I come home on a weekday, I like to rest, watch a lot of tv, hang out. When I had kids, it was a HUGE change. Someone needs you all the damn time, it is UNRELENTING. You never have your own anything anymore. You spend almost all of your waking time that your children are there tending to your childrens' needs. You beat yourself up for not being good enough at it, for being pissed about how miserable it is sometimes. For hating it. You will hate it sometimes. You need to very very very seriously consider your stamina for caring for others and putting everyone else before yourself. All the time.
Don't make these jokes.Giphy
My mother made it clear to my sister and I that she hadn't wanted us, that I was the product of my dad's unrelenting badgering and that my sister had been an ooops. She wasn't a good mom, at all. She screamed about everything, you never knew what would set her off, my parents divorced and we went on to be raised by my stepmom (not without her faults but she's a saint)- this woman didn't technically want us either, she hadn't chosen to get pregnant with us but she treated us just like her own. She planned (and paid for, with my dad) my wedding.
Things got better and my real mom is a good grandma now but let me tell you- hearing you're not wanted as a child, even in passing, even "as a joke" can shape someone's entire life and self worth. If this is you parents, don't you dare ever say it where they can hear you.
That's a messed-up family.
I always knew from a young age that I didn't want children. My family is all very strict Catholic Hispanics and basically picked who I was going to marry from a young age. Fortunately I liked the guy so we did end up married at 19.
I was very honest about not wanting kids. He was okay with that. Our families were not. I ended up pregnant even though I was taking birth control (more on that in a minute). Didn't noticed the missed periods because the type of birth control I took let you skip periods.
By the time I knew I was pregnant I was 5 months along which is too late for an abortion.
Had the baby, found out while in the hospital I ended up pregnant because our families ordered fake birth control online and replaced my pills with the fakes.
Needless to say my husband and I were pissed. I also had horrific postpartum depression but did the best I could. My husband took up drinking heavily to deal with the stress and one day he just never came home. Haven't heard from him since.
The baby was still an infant at that point (4 months) and I made the decision to put her up for adoption and move away.
Everyone says it's different when it's your own kid. Everyone says the first time you hold your baby you have an instant bond. Everyone says it's the most amazing/important thing a woman will ever do. None of that was true for me.
I'm in my mid 30s now and my daughter and her family made contact with me about 7 years ago. We talk regularly and I go visit for her birthday and some holidays. She knows the whole story and while I'm sure she doesn't really understand (she's only 13) she at least gets it a little.
If you know you don't want children, and have never wanted children, don't listen to people who tell you that you're wrong and will change your mind.
I'm trying to get my tubes tied to make sure it never happens again but haven't had luck finding a doctor whose willing to since I'm unmarried and under 40. Filled for divorce years ago and since nobody could find him it went through the same way it does for a missing person. We really need to stop acting like women don't understand their own bodies and wants.
It can ruin relationships.
This f*cking dilemma destroyed my relationship with what I considered to be "the one", she wanted kids, I didn't. I decided to break up with her. It's better than regretting having kids, but the last time I felt genuinely happy was 3 years ago and that also sucks a lot.
A good point.Giphy
Don't have kids when you struggle with mental illness.
I upvoted this, because my depression is one of the main reasons I choose to not have them. I don't think I can handle the stress while going through non functioning times nor would I want them to inherit the gene.
Maturity is everything.
My only regret about having kids is that I wasn't mature enough to handle that type of responsibility.
When my first came, I was determined that I can handle whatever comes our way, I was wrong, I was selfish and stressed my wife out a lot. I didn't want to spend any time with anyone else besides myself and became an alcoholic. I was really sad all the time, and was feeling a lot of negative emotions about my social group, my plans for the future, everything seemed to be out of reach. My wife and I argued a lot, but always worked things out for the sake that neither of us wanted our children in a separated family.
When the second one came, I had stopped drinking as much, and spent a lot of time working and saving money. I missed a lot of the milestones for both my children. It made me feel like I was alone and I felt like a terrible father, and felt a distance growing in my relationship with my wife. At some points I deeply resented the 3 of them, and I thought about leaving on more than one occasion for various situations we were in.
I eventually hit a point where I felt my soul being crushed, and I figured, "it's fine, whatever, I can be miserable as long as they're happy". And I stayed that way for a good 2 years.
Gradually I started to bond with my kids again, and just stuck around for them. Then I started bonding with my wife again. Now our family is functioning on all fronts.
It took 6 years for me to grow up and become a better father and husband...I regret that it took so long, and feel ashamed of how I screwed up at the beginning.
My first doesn't like me as much as my second, and my relationship with my wife is nothing like it was before having kids.
I wish I had known how kids not only change your perspective, they also change your future, and the relationships you have with others. If you try to fight it, you will lose in one way or another. Selfishness is a quality which only makes parenting harder than it has to be.
Strangest Things Seen In A Contract's Terms And Conditions | George Takei’s Oh Myyy
For anyone now childless and is on the fence about having kids... if you have doubts, having kids is not for you.
I have 3 kids. I've always wanted kids. I love my kids dearly and wouldn't change a thing... but they are a F*CK TON of work and as exhausting as you could ever imagine.
Parenting sucks the life out of you.. but it's also amazing and rewarding. IMO, you should only have them if you know for certain that you really, really want them.
This happens a lot.Giphy
I don't regret having them, but I'm not as great at being a mum as I thought I would be. My kids are still every bit as huge arseholes as all other kids. And I do all the lazy bad parenting things I swore I wouldn't do.
I think I just wished I had been more realistic so I didn't feel like such a let down.
The identity crisis is real.
Everything about babies and children and pregnancy. Last time I was near an infant I was 5 years old and it was my baby brother.
Also, other women don't warn you. The whole time I was pregnant they would just congratulate me and tell me how excited, happy, and fulfilled I must be.
Parenthood sucks. There's no you anymore, only mommy or daddy. You have a identity crisis because you literally lose yourself in taking care of the child and responsibilities. Three years later I'm still struggling with post partum depression, it's not like how they explain it on the internet. "Give it time for the hormones to regulate". No.
I feel awful saying I regret my kids. They're here and teens now. It's pure selfishness on my part. Now that they're nearly 17 and 15, I find myself super scared about their safety and future and the stress is hard on me. I worry about them driving, I worry about them dating, going off to college, living independently, etc. I just don't want them to be in danger or get hurt and the worry is weighing heavily on me.
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People Share The Subtle Red Flags That Someone Is An A**hole
Wanting to see the best in everyone is not a crime.
But sometimes it can be a hindrance.
Most of the time, it's a superpower.
But, there are less than stellar humans out there.
Redditor mountcoffee wanted everyone to discuss how we decipher the people are awful, so they asked:
"What are your minor red flags that you use see as a subtle but very indicative sign the other person is an a**hole?"
I give too many people the benefit of the doubt.
I need to discuss more red flags.
NothingAwkward Season 4 GIF by The OfficeGiphy
"They are dismissive of people who can do nothing for them."
"Major red flag, and it’s easy to tell if you get them out of a professional environment."
We make mistakes
"Never saying sorry. We are people. We make mistakes. And even if we didn't mean to, our words and behavior can hurt other people's feeling. Just say sorry and move on, it's not a big deal. But if someone is refusing to do so, it is a red flag to me."
"Well, there can be layers to it. My kids struggle mightily to ever admit fault and just apologize to each other when they’ve done something wrong. They think there’s some huge shame involved and for some reason it’s tough to shake them of that. Really, it’s the easiest thing in the world to say you’re sorry and move on, and they’re only slowly getting that."
"When they’re always the victim in conflicts with friends, coworkers, etc. people who have a capacity for self-reflection and owning their mistakes tell stories where they’re a**holes. Further, they’re able to talk about what they’d do differently or what they’ve learned, and how they took steps to repair the relationships. Never being at fault, always being the victim, and not taking responsibility for repair are huge red flags."
"When they talk crap behind everyone's back but have what I like to call a sticky sweet personality to their face. I know some people like that."
"I used to be in a group chat with a bunch of people who did exactly this at least once a week,. I genuinely believe a lot of people who use said fakea** sticky sweet personalities are doing it to soften the blow if someone actually has a problem with em. Because they think 'Ooooh but they're so nice! this is just a minor blemish on a really kind person' to someone who would throw them in the car crusher because their ac was too loud."
Guys and girls... you're all a mess...
The CompanySeason 5 Friends Tv Show GIF by FriendsGiphy
"What their friends are also like and how they interact with others/other people."
"The Waiter Test. The person who is nice to you but isn't nice to the waiter isn't nice person. This also applies to cashiers, counter help, hotel clerks, custodians, security guards and everyone else in similar positions."
"HOWEVER, don't apply the waiter test the first time you meet someone. Wait until they've been around you a few times and are comfortable in their skin around you. The first few times they are on their best behavior."
Talk to me...
"I live in Los Angeles so this happens a lot but basically whenever you talk to somebody, and it’s all about them all the time. You give your point of view or interject something about yourself and they immediately dismiss it and go back to them."
"Some people forget that a conversation is a two way street."
The Gameromantic lady and the tramp GIFGiphy
"In an office environment, overly kissing all the managers a**es so they'll let them cut corners all the while calling other people out on minor things. They know how the game works."
"When they know someone is behind them, but don't hold the door open. Just let it slam. Or don't say please & thanks to service workers. I understand sometimes missing the opportunity, but when it is consistent, I have been known to say something."
Look for the signs... they are there.
Did we miss any? Let us know in the comments below.
People Reveal How They'd React If The Person They're Dating Had A Secret OnlyFans Account
OnlyFans has really become quite a phenomenon.
People have chosen to take control of the currency of their own bodies.
That is a good thing.
The performers are being paid directly.
But what does that mean for the people who know the content creators?
Can you, as a partner, accept this side of a lover?
Redditor SlightlyNaughty03 wanted to know how many of us would react when discovering a partner's saucy secrets, so they asked:
"You’re dating a girl and you really like her and then you find out she has OF… how do you react?"
I think I'd be ok with an OnlyFans past.
That's just me.
Your CheckTonight Show Yes GIF by The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy FallonGiphy
"You could've paid for dinner this whole time??"
"This guy has his priorities in order."
"Check out her page to see if she posted us having sex."
"If she did, demand a cut. 'I’m not cheap b**ch!!' As Chappelle would say. Have some dignity."
"That’s super illegal and sites like that have protections in place. Like even automatic facial recognition of (I assume just a percentage) of the content posted. You need to provide verification (consent and proof of age) for every person that is shown on your page."
"I’d personally move on. People are entitled to do what they please, of course. It’s just not for me, no hard feelings."
"Second this, moving on while respecting what they do; however my reasoning would be that if they’re actually popular on OF, then a large amount of time is spent talking, performing, and recording for those 'fans.' It takes a lot of their attention away from you as a significant other and continuous, but unintentional, neglect isn’t something many people enjoy in a relationship."
"If we are in a relationship and I love you. Then for me our bodies are sacred to our relationship. I don’t want me and you to be sexualised by other men/women. It’s our private 'place' to be vulnerable and close. Not something you sell for money... just my opinion. I respect everyone else’s too."
Be Realdomino's pizza GIF by DominosnlGiphy
"Ask her if she needs someone to play a pizza delivery guy."
I hate the pizza guy trope.
Not ReadySeason 9 Smh GIF by The OfficeGiphy
"I’m emotionally mature enough to know that I’m not emotionally mature enough to have a partner that does Only Fans."
"It's not the lewds/nudes that bother me, its the selling subs a 'girlfriend experience.' Find it very sad/creepy to chat up your subs with fake affection, I mean who are the kind of people to pay for this delusion? Probably very insecure, desperate people, some poor sap dropping thousands a year to feel some modicum of affection."
"Just feels creepy knowing this and then taking that money. I don't know how to date someone while they're 'playing house' with who knows how many delusional people."
"I actually dated a girl doing this, making very very good money, really depends on how sensitive you are to those sort of things, me personally the relationship was good and the money was good and it didn’t really bother me. Each to their own I suppose."
"Talk about it like a reasonable adult."
"Why does she have an OF? Is it as a sidegig or a main gig."
"Then what kind of content she makes, I've heard about a lot of different types, one was pretty much just cleaning in lingerie which doesn't seem bad to me, whether she'd give it up we ended up in a relationship, stuff like that."
"Once we've figured out the details, I'd make a decision."
"I'm a bi woman fwiw. It'd be a no for me. I wouldn't like a partner interacting with other people sexually in this context or fake-romantically. That isn't an unreasonable boundary imo. I'd worry about whatever issues her career might entail re: burnout on sex and emotional intimacy, crazy subscribers, doxxing, etc."
"Platforms like OF have a lot of ethical issues with trafficking, CSA, insufficient verifications, etc. again, so it's not something I'd feel comfortable in supporting. I don't believe in making sex into a commodity. It indicates incompatible views about sexuality, which is an important standard for me. Overall just isn't what I'm looking for in a relationship and there are plenty of fish in the sea."
Over & DoneSuper Bowl Ok GIF by PepsiGiphy
"Never again. I’ve been in 4 relationships with OF girls and they are consistently on their phones all day and night. From what I’ve learned is you need to set boundaries and dedicate time for a relationship."
It seems like these Redditors laid it out for us: discussions would be key, as well as boundaries.
People Break Down Which Countries They Think Have The Worst Cusines
All of us can appreciate an excellent meal, but our opinion of an amazing meal will vary from person to person.
Each of us are going to prefer some meals over others, including comfort meals, restaurants, and even international cuisines.
Looking for new foods to try, Redditor KPH102 asked:
"What country has the overall worst cuisine?"
"I can handle bland or bad food… but when I’m paying 5x normal prices for that same bland food… it just p**ses me off."
"Iceland was one of my favorite places I’ve ever seen. But the food situation there is brutal."
Anthony Bourdain... Not Approved
"If I Recall Correctly, Iceland was the one place Anthony Bourdain couldn't wait to leave. When a guy who made a living eating his way around the world, comes to your nation and concludes even the alcohol is disgusting, there be a lot of problems."
"Iceland: Pack A Lunch."
Kazakh Not Preferred
"The worst I experienced as a national cuisine: Kazakh. There are good restaurants there, but they are more like Uzbek, Uighur, or Dungan."
"I am not a fan of boiled meat, especially if it is horse, fermented horse milk, or dried fermented milk. There are a few dishes that are okay, but the lack of strong spices or seasoning makes this something I don't enjoy much."
"That said, I always eat it when we go to family events with my wife (from KZ!). I respect the culture, but it is not something I would ever actively choose to eat!"
Lack of Variety in Mongolia
"Given its harsh climate necessitating a largely nomadic and pastoral lifestyle, just not a lot of crops that could historically be incorporated into traditional meals. So everything is either straight-up dairy or meat, with little spices of any kind to add any flavor."
"Mongolian is definitely the worst cuisine I have ever had. It’s just fermented horse milk and boiled meat (like mutton and marmots). Vegetables don’t exist and they literally don’t season anything because they don’t have any spices at all."
"I don’t like Russian cuisine (it’s pretty mid) but Russian cuisine actually helps to improve Mongolian food at some of the trendier Mongolian restaurants (which don’t serve pure traditional Mongolian food)."
"Generally, cold places with a lack of access to spices or not much agricultural history make the worst food and Mongolia checks all those boxes. Kazakhstani food is similar, but they have more ethnic diversity so you can get some decent Georgian or Korean hyphenated foods."
"Jimmy Carr once said, 'Technically, all Australian cuisine is prison food.'"
Off to Another Country for Dinner
"The Netherlands. As soon as I could drive, we’d go to Belgium for dinner with my high school class mates."
"I had some truly terrible food in Ukraine, particularly in the Chornobyl exclusion zone workers' cafeteria, which we were kindly allowed to use when touring."
"The best food I had there was in Kyiv in an Indian restaurant!"
"Cold noodles and whatever the hell pine mushrooms are."
"I’ve actually had soju (weak liquor) made in North Korea. It tasted like a cleaner version of the watered-down vodka you can buy at gas stations where I live."
Family-Friendly Irish Dinners
"I'm Irish, I do plenty of family get-togethers centered around a big Irish table of food, I love it, I love the feeling of sentiment and history. The food is always just a wad of boiled ingredients."
"We eat it lovingly, and there's nothing wrong with it. But it's not like there's anything RIGHT with it."
"Specific cuisine, so not what food you can buy in the country, then it’s absolutely hands down Dutch food."
"Boiled potatoes, boiled vegetables, a piece of overcooked meat, and some packaged gravy is what most Dutch kids eat 5/7 days a week. The other day it’s bread for dinner (no joke) and Sunday more than likely you’re eating Fries and some other deep-fried snacks."
"It’s the most underwhelming cuisine I can think of. Granted, I have never been to Russia, North Korea, or Antarctica."
Kenya's Approach to Cooking
"Kenya. Poor refrigeration meant that meat was often cooked until extremely chewy. I lost so much weight in the six months I lived there."
Mexican Food... in Switzerland
"Pro tip: don’t get Mexican food in Switzerland."
Fajitas in Croatia
"I got Mexican food in Croatia. It came highly recommended by the South African guy running the tour we were on. It was Chevy's level at best."
"Also, I ordered Fajitas and was served a quesadilla with bell peppers in it. It was edible at least. The Australian people that were on the tour thought it was phenomenal."
"No good takeout in Antarctica."
While most of these cuisine options don't necessarily sound "bad," they do sound underwhelming and far less enjoyable to eat than our favorite foods.
People Confess Which Things They Find Attractive That No One Else Does
People have different thoughts on conventional beauty.
Those who focus on another's physical attributes may find a person's eyes stunningly beautiful. Others may be drawn to their manner of dress or how they wear their hair.
And there are those who appreciate one's inner qualities. Perhaps their affable and friendly nature makes someone more attractive.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and that's a relief, because it reinforces the notion that in spite of any flaws, there is someone for everyone.
Curious to hear what strangers online go for when superficially evaluating someone, Classic_Potential_66 asked:
"What is something you find attractive that most people don't?"
Noses get the center of attention here.
Who Nose Why It's Attractive To Them
"I kinda like a prominent nose. Not like a really aquiline nose, or a big shnoz. Just, I dunno, prominent. High bridge of the nose. Dominant facial feature. Hard to explain, I just find a good nose really attractive."
Paying Compliments Is Not Weird
"I was taking the bus to work one night from my classes and there was a guy standing a couple feet away from me. I just glanced up at him cause he sort of swayed and it caught my attention (he was falling asleep lol). The first thing I noticed was his nose, and then his eyes. He just had the most perfect looking nose I've ever seen on a man, and he had the brightest green eyes. It wasn't a small nose, but it wasn't huge either, like it was perfect in every single way and pointed up cutely. It just captivated me for a moment before I remembered I was staring and looked back out the window."
"When I got to my stop I offered him my seat and I still regret not telling him he had a nice nose. I felt like that was way too weird to say. Like how weird would it be to have some girl offer you her seat and say 'by the way, you got a nice nose' and then hurry off the bus lol."
"ETA: Judging by the responses I've gotten on this I'm gonna start telling people nice things about them more often haha. Thank y'all for the courage!"
An Actor's Noted Facial Feature
"Fellow nosephile! I'm on this except I love an aquiline nose, a big schnoz, crooked nose, dominant nose. Any nose that takes center stage does it for me. I love Adrien Brody 😭."
Preference for other facial attributes were mentioned here.
“'Crows feet' - when a middle aged woman smiles, the tiny wrinkles at the corner of her eyes are a reflection of all the smiles she’s ever had. I love it. 🤷🏼♂️"
"Interesting teeth. I have a relatively straight set of natural chompers on me, but I can't stand unnaturally straight teeth. It freaks me out. On the flip side, I love all sorts of 'crooked' teeth. I think they're so unique, cute and attractive. Obviously if they cause pain or discomfort I'm not about it, but there's something just damn magnetizing about someone who confidently rocks atypical teeth."
Personality traits get the spotlight.
"Dry sense of humor. I love people who make me laugh and are nonchalant about it."
A Blessing And A Curse
"I have a dry sense of humor. I don't wish to change it, but it gets me in more trouble than good sometimes because hardly anyone gets it. I think people forget dry humor exists since everything is so exaggerated and in your face these days. I like to deliver a joke like Norm MacDonald."
"Dorkiness/awkward people. I love when people are true to themselves and geek out about things."
Nerds Are "Sexy As Hell"
"Shy slightly nerdy guys. Edit: By this I just mean that a lot of times nerdy guys are a hard nut to crack, and it’s appealing and exciting to have to dig a little to see what’s inside. Nerds are intelligent and that’s sexy as hell. I’m can only speak for myself, but when I was younger I would dismiss the shy ones, which I deeply regret. When I became older, and….seasoned….lol, I started realizing what I was missing out on and I got myself a super sexy shy nerd who I’m blissfully happy with 10 years after meeting him. Im sorry if my original comment implied nobody wanted you nerds. As you can see from the comments, there are plenty of women into you guys😘"
And what about features concerning one's physique? Reddit doesn't disappoint.
"I like women taller than me."
View From Behind
"I like a nice back. Like not the a** but the actual back."
A Defining Mark
"Scars….there is just something about them! Maybe it’s because all scars have a story behind them ."
Defined calves always get my attention.
The bulkiness and definition in the lower part of the legs represent an individual who is active, always on his feet, and is strong enough to carry me through a marathon when my legs give out just a few feet from the finish line.
I can't wait until the warmer summer months to inspire chiseled-calved gentlemen to break out in their khaki shorts for the sole purpose of distracting me.
So, what gets you hot and bothered?