Never underestimate how insane some people are, even under the pretenses of civility. A courtroom is no place for the worst secrets you've had to be revealed, but unfortunately that's where a lot of them come out. It's a courtroom official's job, be they a judge or attorney or clerk, to handle them with the utmost care and with a keen eye.
Sometimes, however, they're just too weird not to talk about on the internet.
Reddit user, u/ThatOneDoveSlayer, wanted to know about:
[NSFW] Judges of Reddit, what are some of the weirdest cases you've seen?
Never Underestimate People's Pettiness
I was a mediator in small claims court in Queens NY during law school. Mediators attempt to help the parties reach a settlement. A woman brought a claim against a shoe store. According to her, there was a display with shoes for $20. When she got to the register with two pairs of shoes, they charged her $25 per pair.
She complained and told the counter person that they were on sale for $20. She brought the counter person to the display and, according to the woman, they had switched the sign so that it now said $25. She paid the $50 and then sued for the $10 extra that she had to pay. The cost for filing the claim was $15.
After she told me her story I met with the two lower level employees that the shoe store had sent to the court. They of course denied changing the sign, but I told them they can settle for $10 and leave immediately or they would have to wait for a judge to decide the case. They happily paid the $10. The woman lost five dollars in the transaction.
What A Way To Celebrate?
...Had my first argument before the Second Circuit, so obviously fairly nervous. The case before me had a very generic name, think "Smith vs. Generic Insurance Corp." Figured it was going to be dull...
But instead, it turned out that the issue was that Mrs. Smith, a widow, had her husband's life insurance payment denied.
Why? Husband was an engineer of some sort and had constructed a device to... pleasure himself. He plugged said device into a wall socket on to "enjoy" on Easter Sunday, while his family was out, but unfortunately was electrocuted and died. (And presumably was found by his poor family on Easter, pantsless and plugged into the wall).
The insurer tried to deny benefits based on an exclusion for "intentional self-harm." Cue a solid 20 minutes of the insurer's lawyer being grilled by very staid and conservative judges as to whether the poor guy actually intended to harm himself, or, as one judge put it very mildly... "it seems the deceased intended... well... the opposite." And the insurer lawyer struggling to articulate why self-harm and sexual pleasure are not always mutually exclusive.
From the questions, it seemed like the widow was likely to win. But man was that awkward for everyone involved.
You Know You're Kind Of Exposing Yourself, Right?
Plaintiff filed suit in small claims court because the Defendant did not perform the sexual acts that Plaintiff paid the Defendant for.
It ended up settling in mediation which was good for the Plaintiff because it would have had to be reported for potential criminal charges if it made to court.
Everything Has A Price
My dad is a judge and had a case that revolved around Bull Sperm. Basically someone leased a bull and wasn't supposed to breed it and they bred it anyway and the owner sued for the price of the sperm.
Hammer Time
My father was a circuit court judge for a number of years. He used to tell me all kinds of stories, but my favorite was from a divorce dispute. The two sons of the husband and wife were messing around and they made a hole in the wall. The father was upset so he grabbed a hammer and punched a bunch of holes into the wall to prove to the boys how bad the holes look.
I don't remember the exact number, but it was around 90. When the attorney for the wife asked him if it was a good idea the husband said "well...in hindsight...I guess maybe not." My father said that's the only time that he's ever almost burst out laughing in court.
Not His First Rodeo
Not a judge; brother-in-law was clerk of the court for most of a decade.
Dude comes in with an indecent exposure charge; he was walking around the local Target in super shorty shorts, and his lil' Shortie was longer than the shorts. Okay, this is supposedly fairly straightforward- slap on the wrist and get told to buy longer shorts.
Except it turns out this isn't this guy's first rodeo. In fact, it's his TWENTY-FIFTH rodeo. Dude is an exhibitionist, and this was his MO. He was already banned from all retail establishments in half the counties in the state, and a handful of counties in the neighboring states. At this point he'd had so many convictions that he was looking at 25 to life for f*ckin' indecent exposure.
Oddly enough, there was another indecent exposure case involving the other local Target a week later. Dude was standing up in the open bed of his pickup at 2am in the Target parking lot.
Judge Burn!
I once attended oral arguments for US Court of Appeals for the Second Circuit. It's pretty much the big time.
I watched a lawyer argue that his client received what's known as "ineffective assistance of counsel" at the trial from which she was appealing.
The attorney however was not doing a very good job during oral arguments. So, at one point one of the judges on the panel leans forward and asks him "counselor, are you currently providing ineffective assistance of counsel?"
Dildo...Bomber...?
I'm a lawyer considering whether to someday be a judge. The Dildo Bomber was the oddest case I've worked on so far. Boyfriend gets dumped in spring, stalks ex-girlfriend for 9 months. He's known to have an obsessive interest in bombs and explosives.
In December, he delivers a package to ex-girlfriend. There's no return address, but it says "MERRY XMAS B*TCH", so it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out who sent it. Ex calls the cops, who call the bomb squad, who open the package. Inside is a large vibrator that's been hollowed out and filled with explosives. He apparently assumed that she would eagerly use it and blow herself up. This is how you know that men and women think differently...
Wait For It...
Worked in LE for a long while. Escorted an inmate to court for his dismemberment and murder charges trial. He chose to represent himself. Context: was infatuated with Charles Manson and cults. Started one that preyed on mentally unstable/ handicap women and killed them if they tried to leave. This poor girl with autism wanted to go home. He killed her with his followers help, chopped her up, and burned the pieces in a dumpster.
His opening statement was something along the lines of "Ladies and gentlemen of the court I just want to clarify that things being inserted into my butt are going to come up in this trial. I'm not gay. I just liked it." The judge said what the f**k, but caught himself before dropping the f-bomb. Everyone in the courtroom laughed at him. It was thrown out and he went for mental health screenings.
I don't miss LE work... at all. I did accrue a sh!t load of stories though.
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Have you ever heard of a certain job that people call a career and thought... "PEOPLE PAY YOU FOR THAT?!?!"
All hard, honest work is good work.
And then there is just trash work.
And I don't mean garbage collection, that is honest work.
I don't know how some people live with themselves.
Redditor MrTuxedo1 wanted to discuss the careers they don't believe people should chase. They asked:
"What job do you have no respect for?"
Ticket scalpers. How do you the audacity to say that's a job?
Actual burglars have more empathy.
Disrespectful
"There are debt collectors who call relatives of the deceased to pay off their debts when they are not legally obligated to."
Top_Gun_2021
Shady. Shady.
"Australian Real Estate Agents. Laws don't seem to apply to them. Just as dodgy in sales and rentals alike. Never seen anything like it overseas."
snave_
"I'm in the US, it can vary state by state but my state is pretty strict on realtor laws. Some states require attorney review and there are definitely penalties for being reported for shady sh*t. It does require consumer reporting though."
ilostmytaco
Etransfer
"Where I live, tax info was leaked and now scammers are targeting low income individuals/families (people earning under 30,000 per year) with etransfer scams. I got one the other day that was an etransfer warning that 240$ 'a family member sent me' was about to expire."
SnowyInuk
"That’s disgusting. The scammers know what they’re doing, they know the harm they cause people and yet they don’t care."
surelysandwitch
Should be illegal...
"MLM managers. Not the low level idiots that get suckered into it, they suck too for trying to bring new people into that sh*tshow, but the people who create them know exactly what they are doing and are pretty much the only ones who profit off of it. Should be illegal. Pyramid schemes are illegal. None of them ever get the just desserts except occasionally by vigilantes I assume."
Wereno
I hate debt collectors. Yeah, you calling me one hundred times a week is going to miraculously make money appear.
Animals
"Paparazzi."
VictorBlimpmuscle
"I met Jack Gleeson (King Joffrey from Game of Thrones) at a bus stop in Dublin. Really nice guy but he said he quit acting due to people being nasty online and constant hounding from paparrazi. He's happier now but it sucks that he was pushed away from a career he was quite good at."
goobi94
Scumbags
"The pastors at mega churches whom ask their followers for money for private jets. Absolute scum to abuse others faith for your own greed."
ichancho
"Brian Tamaki is a greedy freaking pig, he takes advantage of so many people who are already struggling. Every time he’s in the local news (which btw is often) I get more and more pissed off at him and his wife. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brian_Tamaki "
surelysandwitch
it’s a thing???
“'Dating Expert.' Sadly it’s a thing. It’s basically a self appointed title that requires no training or qualifications. What’s worse, is that I have a female friend who uses one. It’s very much a blind leading the blind situation."
Mean_Manufacturer_61
"Most of the self proclaimed “dating coaches” I know are women in their late 30s or early 40s who have never been married or had a longer relationship."
ipozgaj
EVIL
"Poachers. Especially big game poachers who purposefully hunt nearly extinct animals from species they know they are on the brink."
"I know there are poachers that come from rural villages who are trying to just put food on the table, which has my sympathy but poachers who come from money and hunt down animals minding their business in most shelters or restricted areas just to put a head on their wall as a trophy are absolutely heinous."
GetterdoneObiwan
I See It All
"Psychic Mediums. Specifically those who prey on the grieving."
JamesDeadite
"I've always found it interesting how many magicians go after people like this. I think it's because they know what it takes to trick people for the art. The slight of hand and mentalism. And they abhor people who use these tactics for such sh*tty purposes."
34HoldOn
I want so bad to believe in psychics and mediums. What say we on that topic?
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The nose is constantly being attacked by odors of the world.
Going through one day without having to hold my breath during a certain point, is a miracle.
Of course, I'm a New Yorker, so I maybe exaggerating for people in the countryside.
What's funnier is odors that are pleasant, that shouldn't be.
Have you ever looked and something and thought... "yuck."
But then you smelled it and it was like... "oh lovely,"
Redditor HappQueue wanted to know what aromas are arousing to the senses that may come as a surprise to many. They asked:
"What smells good but shouldn't?"
For some odd reason I love the things burning. Anything, food, pots, pans. You name it. Weird.
Blow
"Matches/candles on a birthday cake. I remember lighting matches as a kid purely to blow them out and inhale that sweet match-y smell."
semispooked
"guilty good"
"I work at a Chemical plant. We make a highly acidic product that is dark blue, viscus, highly corrosive, and smells exactly like Fruit Loops. It is incredibly disturbing."
Turin082
"Organic chemistry has many 'guilty good' smells. Thiophosgene (sulfur derivative of a chemical weapon used extensively in WW1) apparently smells like meat. Phosgene is used to make polycarbonate, thiophosgene is used to make some sulfur-containing molecules which eventually end up in therapeutic drugs."
HammerTh_1701
I can't huff it...
"Paint, specifically house paint. I love the smell. But anytime I hear that anyone is painting a room or their house, I volunteer. I just love sitting on the floor in a room that's been freshly painted, closing my eyes and just inhaling that slightly chemically, slightly creamy aroma."
Neowza
A Hint of French...
"A fish and chips shop burnt down as couple blocks from work a few years ago. The whole neighborhood smelled amazing for days. Just the slight hint of French fries. Nothing overpowering. It was so awesome. Until I found out someone was trapped in the fire and died."
stevey_frac
Drag
"Race fuel. Instantly puts me in a good mood as it reminds me of going to the drag races with my dad when I was young."
garfnodie
Fuel and matches get me too. And they sort of go together. Interesting.
Just like the Movie...
"The water from the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. Mmm, bromine."
Stalkerslovemy
"This is one of my favorite scents of all time, and Disney is very aware that people enjoy it. Evidently it’s a lot harder to recreate than just adding bromine to water."
cash4panties
"black widow".
"There's a chicken wing restaurant near my house that has a challenge sauce called "black widow." The owner claims it to be around 500,000 scovilles. A few years back some buddies and I decided to try them, the sauce was a dark molasses color and smelled almost like a BBQ sauce, no hint of the danger that lurked at all. We each grabbed one wing and it went terribly. I don't know how something so spicy could smell so innocent."
Final-Chapter
Endless Weekend
"Hotel/rented rooms whenever you go on vacation. There's this particular smell that just says 'you are on vacation,' especially on a beach/swimming trips/out-of-the-town vacays."
Yummy_Llama
"Bath and Body Works has a plug-in scent called Endless Weekend that replicates that scent (to my humble nose)."
Exxcentrica
"oh no..."
"Someone you are attracted to's body odors. Anyone else who is slightly unhygienic smells repulsive."
Mini_gunslinger
"I remember back in high school a girl leaned over, sniffed me, told me that I smelled really good, and asked me what cologne I was wearing. I asked if she was joking, and she's like, no, you smell really good. When I told her I had just gotten done with gym class, she gets a small 'oh no...' look on her face and turns away. I think we both had a revelation that day."
user deleted
That Smell
"The smell inflatable things give off. I have no idea how to describe it, but it’s… nostalgic? to me."
crestfxllen
I do love the smell of plastics and inflatables. Ahh....
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At one point in time, we've misplaced things that we've considered priceless possessions.
It's hard to imagine how to go on without the lost object–whatever it may be–but over time, it becomes a distant memory and we move on.
That is until we magically find ourselves presented with this opportunity proposed by Redditor mikehotel288, who asked:
"You find yourself in a room with everything you’ve ever lost in your life. What do you look for first?"
There are necessities people cannot do without.
No More Dry Lips Ever Again
"Gonna be a lot of chapstick in that room."
– camefromxbox
There are things that bring us comfort and are irreplaceable.
Safety Blanket
"My baby blanket. It became tattered over the years—to the point where I couldn’t reasonably wash it anymore—so I had to throw it away a little while back."
"I have heavily regretted that decision. I was really attached to it (hence it being in tatters), but I really wish that I kept what was left of it instead of throwing it away. Just knowing that I’d still have it would be a huge comfort to me."
– Uearie
Sentimental Heirloom
"The pendant my dad had made for me with my grandmother’s engagement diamond. It was 2 carats. It disappeared from a Las Vegas hotel room 20 years ago. It was hidden deep in a suitcase where it would not have been easy to find. It was just GONE. Cops didn’t do anything. Didn’t even come to take my statement. Cleaning lady said she thought she saw an elderly man enter my room. The guy I was with was not sympathetic in the least. Entire situation was f**ked. I’m still so upset about it."
– MaritimeDisaster
Lone Shark
"My plastic shark toy I lost when I was 10. Ain't no f'king way it just VANISHED."
– Guilty_As_Charged__
Not everything lost is tangible.
Tick Tock
"The time I wasted."
– shinyfennec
It Holds Value
"My private key with 6 BTC in it."
– Significant_Mirror19
"I didn't lose one, but I'll check my room for yours just in case."
– Smodphan
Finding Purpose
"The reason I walked into the room."
– Lloyd_lyle
Lost Opportunity
"That one girl i spoke to on omegle lol"
– h-amishh
If only we get to reunite with those we've lost.
The Loved Family Member
"My grandpa."
– Splatty_boi_420
Grieving Parent
"My daughter. She’ll be in my brother’s arms. So I’ll find both things I care to look for."
– SeeTheFence
Missing Mom
"My mom. She died of cancer in 2017. She never got to meet my daughter. I miss the hell out of her and wish she was still part of my family’s life."
– X-Arkturis-X
The Animals That Come Into Our Lives
"My pets that have passed: especially my horse, Blue. It's been 4 years, but it feels like just yesterday."
– Baciandrio
While many of these scenarios are unlikely, the thread gave people an opportunity to reflect on the things that made a strong impression on their lives.
Sometimes, the memories of the things we've lost–whether they are random objects or sources of love–is all we have.
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What's worse than returning home from a night out or a workday and discovering your home was broken into? Being home when the break-in happens.
Home invasions are a common trope portrayed in horror films like The Strangers and Funny Games, and they're absolutely terrifying because they are based on real-life incidents.
Redditor silentagent47 asked strangers to consider this horrifying hypothetical.
"You have 5 minutes to prepare before a guy breaks into your house with the intention to kill you. You can not exit your house. What is your strategy to survive?"
The hunter becomes the hunted, inspired by TV and movies.
Duplicating A Scene
"There was an episode of Burn Notice where Michael puts aerosol cans in the microwave with kitchen utensils and hits popcorn button. I really want to know if this works or not."
– JohnSterlingSanchez
Epic Burglar Trap
"Speed-watch Home Alone."
– pluribusduim
It's about the choice of weapon.
Jump Scare
"I get the vacuum cleaner ready in a certain room, I turn it on as hes about to enter to create a distraction, then I jump out when he's inspecting the noise and bonk the f'ker on the head with the piece of 2 inch steel tube I keep as a weapon."
– BustedBastard
Beware of Dog
"Unleash the Hounds"
– myassonreddit
Make A Weapon
"Duct tape a bunch of knives to the end of one of those tall lamps to make a spear of blinding and then proceed to go sicko mode."
– DubTheeBustocles
Preparing For A Thwack
"Turn shower on, for some reason I have a shovel behind my wardrobe?? So grab that. Wait for him to check shower, whack with shovel. Boom."
– hypersp00p
It's Just A Game
"Corner camp with a shotgun."
– Arrow3619
A Warm Welcome
"Hairspray and a lighter to his face."
– WorkingClassSheep
The effectiveness of these tactics are questionable, but points for creativity are warranted.
Stand Still
"Put a lamp shade on my head and stand in the corner of the room."
– Cannabis_Sir
Make It Erotic
"I turn on all the lights, take off all my clothes, rub butter all over myself, and start a fake conversation on the phone. As soon as he breaks in I say into the phone: 'I’ve gotta go, my next appointment is finally here…”
– FrankieTheAlchemist
Forget The Stairs
"Go to the LIVING ROOM."
– on-oath-never-again
Removing The Element Of Fun
"Draw an X on my forehead and grab a beer."
– Candycoatedmuffin3
And that's why I would opt for living in a commune or apartment complex.
People who own houses are just asking for forced entry.
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