Having a romantic relationship with someone who has a very different style of communication can be a challenge. Making it work requires effort and compromise, it requires fearlessly facing your own feelings and insecurities - ok most relationships require that, but you get the point. It's not easy. But what do you do when those different communication styles start to eat away at something you used to love doing together?
One heartbroken Reddit user is asking that question now. Every couple has their "thing" and hers with her partner used to be comic conventions. The two would spend days immersed in comics and fantasy together, making friends, talking about the stories they loved and generally bonding. Her more outgoing personality meant that she made friends faster and was more immediately personable with celebrities and creatives that they meet. It took him a little longer to warm up, but in the end they both made great connections.
As time passed, her outgoing personality has become a point of contention. Her boyfriend has gotten jealous of her ability to quickly connect and has kind of started to hold it against her. He's begun accusing her of ruining his encounters, so she's stopped talking during them. He's told her that creatives are only nice to her because they must be attracted to her. He's told her that his multiple awkward silences were her fault. Overall, it seems like he's turned a thing they loved into a sort of competition and reason to feel bad for himself. Here's her initial post:
My partner and I have been together four years, and we're really into comic book conventions.
In the last couple years, we've particularly gone out of our way to meet a lot of creators and voice actors we like, and have prints and stuff signed. It's been a lot of fun!
Or, I guess it was for a little bit.
Lately I've noticed a pattern where the moment we walk away, he gets mopey about feeling like the moment was wasted for some reason or another. He puts too much stock into having such an immediate rapport with a cool stranger, and then feels bad when it isn't some magical experience. There are celebrities he can't stand now because he felt like they weren't immediately warm and friendly. To make matters worse, he gets too shy and nervous to really say much, so he's always kicking himself later.
I, on the other hand, don't put too stock in all this. I try to assume the best of people and not define them by the two minutes I interacted with them - honestly, when you're talking to people non-stop I'm sure it all blurs together, so I take everything with a grain of salt. I just try not to take it too seriously. I'm decent at small talk and don't have any problems interacting with people I don't know, so I keep it light and breezy.
There were a couple points where later, my boyfriend said that it felt like I'd dominated the conversation and wasn't letting him say anything. I felt really bad, so I made a point to scale back, especially if this was a person he was more invested in than I was.
I feel like people treat us like we're a unit, and not like it reflects badly on him if I break the ice first, but I didn't want to stress him out when this is something that already makes him flustered.
So, now there's just more awkward silences, and it feels like if I say anything at all, he acts like it was a disaster.
Lately he's been saying everyone just likes me better, or it's all just because I'm a girl. It's starting to really hurt my feelings. I keep saying I really think he should just get in line for this stuff alone from now on, since he keeps feeling bad and then making me feel bad. He acts like I'm overreacting, and that this is a fun thing we like to do together.
It's not anymore.
I think I'd be fine just doing other stuff at cons, but I also kind of want to actually address this. I feel like if it was the reverse, and he had like, a funny moment with a famous person or whatever, I'd just be happy for him. He's never happy for me about things like that, he just treats me like competition and gets way too wrapped up in the whole thing. I feel like his negative reaction to me is just an extension of how nervous he gets, but I really don't like that if I have a decent moment with a creator I enjoy, it's instantly ruined by my boyfriend either turning this into self-pity or acting like they must have been attracted to me (ew?).
Is there anyone else who gets like this, and knows what needs to happen for him to chill the hell out?
She turned to Reddit for help - and Reddit had no problem stepping in with suggestions. They're not always kind, but they're certainly honest and most are pretty insightful! Here are some of the responses that stuck out to us; edited for language or clarity when needed.
Go Your Separate Ways
GiphyMaybe do things separate at cons, I think it's silly for him to blame you for his shyness. Maybe pick who you're meeting beforehand and see the actors/creators separately then no one's 'ruining' it for anyone else.
It's such a shame though, it sounds like you and your boyfriend do some super cool stuff together.
But if he's gonna get moody and annoyed, then you have your fun and let him have his, you can always meet up after and share you're awesome meetings!
Low Self Esteem
It's sad. It sounds to me like he suffers from really low self esteem and he keeps getting more disappointed because of his own failure at socialising. It's a vicious cycle at this point.
You're not doing anything wrong. He needs help with his low self esteem and with breaking this negative cycle.
A Spoiled Child
Just refuse to get in the line with him. He's acting like a spoiled child and you should not tolerate it. It's not a fun thing you do together, it's an excuse for him to put you down.
"Beating Me At MY Thing"
GiphySo, when I first read your story, I thought "wow, what a jerk. He should just let her be great." Then I realized that I actually do this to my fiancé in another aspect of life.
We've been together for about 4 years. We were both independently really into fitness before dating, but we started doing races and classes jointly when we got together. It brought out a very nasty side in me. If we were on a practice run and he was ahead of me, sometimes I'd get upset and once I even cried (yes, I know this is crazy.) If we were in a competitive cycling class and he was beating me, I'd feel discouraged and angry. If he won a race we trained for together, I wasn't happy for him. I am not jealous of him in other aspects of our relationship and we have a very balanced and healthy thing going, so I examined it a bit.
I realized that it hurt me because in those moments it felt like he was beating me at MY thing, a thing that made me feel like myself even before he was my boyfriend. I took control of it and set some boundaries, and we haven't had the issue since. I also needed to do some soul searching about my own self worth and figure out why fitness made me happy (aka it's not a competition.) I think you need to talk to him about it, because the solution should probably start with him and how he is approaching Cons. I'd also consider doing Cons separately, or go with friends and then meet up afterwards. Good luck!
Opening Lines
This hasn't happened with my boyfriend, but we very much have the same dynamics as you and yours. I'm an introvert at the end of the day, but when I put on my "people face" I'm quite good at keeping a casual conversation going - I was a cashier, and like you mentioned, a breezy 2-minute conversation is easy for me.
We saw a small, intimate show of a band my boyfriend loved. He's somewhat of an extrovert - I think he was really lonely before we met - but he has trouble breaking into social conversations too. He's terrible at parties, frankly; he'd pull out his phone or else start a debate, until I shut that down hard. He has trouble with easy banter.
Anyway, I cared way less about this artist, just like you, so I frankly did him a favor (which I didn't mind at all and was easy) by going up to the artist after the show, dragging my shy boyfriend, and being like "guys, that was amazing! You're so good! Blah blah blah," and then turned it over to my boyfriend by being like "he's loved you guys forever and I'm so happy he brought me!", which provided a really good space for my bf to pick it up and be like "yeah, I loved X album" or whatever, and it went from there for a minute.
Honestly, I'd be annoyed if my boyfriend pulled this resentful sh!t; he doesn't. But if you're a more graceful person than I, a decent way to balance this might be for you to have a sense of the people he REEALLLY wants to meet, and pay him that lip service/keep yourself in the shadow after making him an opening. It's a nice favor that'll really really help. Obviously that doesn't have to happen every time, either - if you do care about someone, talk to them, of course - but to give him that foot in the door by doing something you do better + then letting him have it is a kindness. My boyfriend was super happy, and I was happy I got to exchange that first sentence, which was really all I needed.
-
Take Mini Breaks
Oh man can I relate!
I love Con's. I've been to SDCC over 10 times and the smaller ones too.
And any girl that's gone with me has straight up hated me by the middle of them. It's not deliberate there's just SO MUCH there's content, meetings, tournaments, panels, lines, exclusives, stuff for sale. It's overwhelming, and I wind up taking it out on the person closest to me and that's never ok. It happens because you have these expectations built up in your head about what you want to have happen and you want that person next to you to be reading your mind and being in the same head space and it's just not possible. There's just so much stuff and everyone likes/wants something different.
Honestly the best course of action is to take mini breaks from each other. One person goes right the other goes left. If something really cool or important comes up you use the row flags to tell the other person where you are and to get over to meet you asap. You actually feel better because your covering more ground and less likely to miss something because you have another set of eyes looking out for anything cool that might interest you. You don't have to spend the whole con apart and you don't have to spend the whole con joined at the hip either.
If your worried about a bad photo-op being missed don't worry there's always someone willing to snap a photo for you.
Con's are an emotional roller coaster. For the sake of any relationship's health and sanity split off and regroup for mini breaks and you can get along better after.
Different Methods Of Socialization
I was going to suggest just doing your own thing at cons. My husband and I do this a lot when we go to parties because we just have different methods of socialization. It works!
- Jilltro
Invisible Without You
GiphyTo maybe give you some perspective - I had a friend I used to go out to some regular events at bars all the time. A few events were weekly or bi-weekly. She was an attractive woman who was very outgoing and bubbly. I struggle from social anxiety. There were quite a few people who would strike up conversations with us semi-regularly, and we'd chat for a bit during breaks in the event, etc. I would usually be pretty involved in the conversation, my social anxiety was generally less present when I was with a friend.
But when I went to those events without her, some of those same guys wouldn't even bother saying "hi" to me if I said "hi" or tried to strike up a conversation. It was like I didn't exist, because in this case a huge part of why they were interacting with us was because of her. So from her perspective, to quote you, people would "treat us like a unit", but without her, I was a lot more invisible. (I will note that not everyone was like that, but enough that it took a toll on my confidence).
It's still a pattern I run into with some of my attractive and outgoing friends (men and women) in some social situations - if they're not around, I have to do a lot more legwork in terms of taking the initiative to strike up conversations and meet people, as opposed to people voluntarily asking to join our trivia group, etc). I have to be careful to not let it impact my anxiety or my social confidence.
I draw the parallels only to help highlight maybe what he's feeling. It costs a lot to put himself out there, but then he feels like people are only interested in you. None of that is your fault, and a lot of that probably stems from his own anxieties and insecurities - the idea that these people wouldn't be talking to him at all if you weren't there. At a lot of cons, there's enough of a gender imbalance that woman sometimes do get more social attention, in terms of people striking up conversations, etc. That shouldn't apply to situations like autographs and pictures with creators, but it's entirely possible he feels that way about other social situations you get into at the cons, and those feelings are all getting blurred together - the idea that the guy who struck up a conversation in the food line might not have bothered if it was just him out. And, to be blunt, it's a painful bit of self actualization to tell yourself "I'm just less interesting to talk to." than "Well they like her because she's a girl".
I'm making a lot of assumptions, but his comments about "liking you more because you're a girl" make me suspect it's less about the celebrity interactions, and more about how the rest of social interaction at the con tends to go. It just gets to him when it comes to people he's excited to meet, because he's internalized this idea that people are only interested in talking to you.
To picture an inverse situation, imagine if your boyfriend always went to cons with a really great cosplay, and people were constantly talking to him or trying to strike up a conversation - and they were social with you then, but any time you separated from your boyfriend, noone was interested in talking to you.
Unfortunately for all I typed here, I don't have an offhand solution. You can try to make sure he feels included in the conversation, but it sounds like you do and it isn't working.
H/T: Reddit
Experiencing death is a fascinating and frightening idea.
Who doesn't want to know what is waiting for us on the other side?
But so many of us want to know and then come back and live a little longer.
It would be so great to be sure there is something else.
But the whole dying part is not that great, so we'll have to rely on other people's accounts.
Redditor AlaskaStiletto wanted to hear from everyone who has returned to life, so they asked:
"Redditors who have 'died' and come back to life, what did you see?"
Sensations
Happy Good Vibes GIF by Major League SoccerGiphy"My dad's heart stopped when he had a heart attack and he had to be brought back to life. He kept the paper copy of the heart monitor which shows he flatlined. He said he felt an overwhelming sensation of peace, like nothing he had felt before."
PeachesnPain
Recovery
"I had surgical complications in 2010 that caused a great deal of blood loss. As a result, I had extremely low blood pressure and could barely stay awake. I remember feeling like I was surrounded by loved ones who had passed. They were in a circle around me and I knew they were there to guide me onwards. I told them I was not ready to go because my kids needed me and I came back."
"My nurse later said she was afraid she’d find me dead every time she came into the room."
"It took months, and blood transfusions, but I recovered."
good_golly99
Take Me Back
"Overwhelming peace and happiness. A bright airy and floating feeling. I live a very stressful life. Imagine finding out the person you have had a crush on reveals they have the same feelings for you and then you win the lotto later that day - that was the feeling I had."
"I never feared death afterward and am relieved when I hear of people dying after suffering from an illness."
rayrayrayray
Free
The Light Minnie GIF by (G)I-DLEGiphy"I had a heart surgery with near-death experience, for me at least (well the possibility that those effects are caused by morphine is also there) I just saw black and nothing else but it was warm and I had such inner peace, its weird as I sometimes still think about it and wish this feeling of being so light and free again."
TooReDTooHigh
This is why I hate surgery.
You just never know.
Shocked
Giphy"More of a near-death experience. I was electrocuted. I felt like I was in a deep hole looking straight up in the sky. My life flashed before me. Felt sad for my family, but I had a deep sense of peace."
Admirable_Buyer6528
The SOB
"Nursing in the ICU, we’ve had people try to die on us many times during the years, some successfully. One guy stood out to me. His heart stopped. We called a code, are working on him, and suddenly he comes to. We hadn’t vented him yet, so he was able to talk, and he started screaming, 'Don’t let them take me, don’t let them take me, they are coming,' he was scared and yelling."
"Then he yelled a little more, as we tried to calm him down, he screamed, 'No, No,' and gestured towards the end of the bed, and died again. We didn’t get him back. It was seriously creepy. We called his son to tell him the news, and the son said basically, 'Good, he was an SOB.'”
1-cupcake-at-a-time
Colors
"My sister died and said it was extremely peaceful. She said it was very loud like a train station and lots of talking and she was stuck in this area that was like a curtain with lots of beautiful colors (colors that you don’t see in real life according to her) a man told her 'He was sorry, but she had to go back as it wasn’t her time.'"
Hannah_LL7
"I had a really similar experience except I was in an endless garden with flowers that were colors I had never seen before. It was quiet and peaceful and a woman in a dress looked at me, shook her head, and just said 'Not yet.' As I was coming back, it was extremely loud, like everyone in the world was trying to talk all at once. It was all very disorienting but it changed my perspective on life!"
huntokarrr
The Fog
"I was in a gray fog with a girl who looked a lot like a young version of my grandmother (who was still alive) but dressed like a pioneer in the 1800s she didn't say anything but kept pulling me towards an opening in the wall. I kept refusing to go because I was so tired."
"I finally got tired of her nagging and went and that's when I came to. I had bled out during a c-section and my heart could not beat without blood. They had to deliver the baby and sew up the bleeders. refill me with blood before they could restart my heart so, like, at least 12 minutes gone."
Fluffy-Hotel-5184
Through the Walls
"My spouse was dead for a couple of minutes one miserable night. She maintains that she saw nothing, but only heard people talking about her like through a wall. The only thing she remembers for absolute certain was begging an ER nurse that she didn't want to die."
"She's quite alive and well today."
Hot-Refrigerator6583
Well let's all be happy to be alive.
It seems to be all we have.
Trying to lose weight is a struggle understood by many people regardless of size.
The goal of reaching a healthy weight may seem unattainable, but with diet and exercise, it can pay off through persistence and discipline.
Seeing the pounds gradually drop off can also be a great motivator and incentivize people to stay the course.
Those who've achieved their respective weight goals shared their experiences when Redditor apprenti8455 asked:
"People who lost a lot of weight, what surprises you the most now?"
Redditors didn't see these coming.
Shiver Me Timbers
"I’m always cold now!"
– Telrom_1
"I had a coworker lose over 130 pounds five or six years ago. I’ve never seen him without a jacket on since."
– r7ndom
"140 lbs lost here starting just before COVID, I feel like that little old lady that's always cold, damn this top comment was on point lmao."
– mr_remy
Drawing Concern
"I lost 100 pounds over a year and a half but since I’m old(70’s) it seems few people comment on it because (I think) they think I’m wasting away from some terminal illness."
– dee-fondy
"Congrats on the weight loss! It’s honestly a real accomplishment 🙂"
"Working in oncology, I can never comment on someone’s weight loss unless I specifically know it was on purpose, regardless of their age. I think it kind of ruffles feathers at times, but like I don’t want to congratulate someone for having cancer or something. It’s a weird place to be in."
– LizardofDeath
Unleashing Insults
"I remember when I lost the first big chunk of weight (around 50 lbs) it was like it gave some people license to talk sh*t about the 'old' me. Old coworkers, friends, made a lot of not just negative, but harsh comments about what I used to look like. One person I met after the big loss saw a picture of me prior and said, 'Wow, we wouldn’t even be friends!'”
"It wasn’t extremely common, but I was a little alarmed by some of the attention. My weight has been up and down since then, but every time I gain a little it gets me a little down thinking about those things people said."
– alanamablamaspama
Not Everything Goes After Losing Weight
"The loose skin is a bit unexpected."
– KeltarCentauri
"I haven’t experienced it myself, but surgery to remove skin takes a long time to recover. Longer than bariatric surgery and usually isn’t covered by insurance unless you have both."
– KatMagic1977
"It definitely does take a long time to recover. My Dad dropped a little over 200 pounds a few years back and decided to go through with skin removal surgery to deal with the excess. His procedure was extensive, as in he had skin taken from just about every part of his body excluding his head, and he went through hell for weeks in recovery, and he was bedridden for a lot of it."
– Jaew96
These Redditors shared their pleasantly surprising experiences.
Shopping
"I can buy clothes in any store I want."
– WaySavvyD
"When I lost weight I was dying to go find cute, smaller clothes and I really struggled. As someone who had always been restricted to one or two stores that catered to plus-sized clothing, a full mall of shops with items in my size was daunting. Too many options and not enough knowledge of brands that were good vs cheap. I usually went home pretty frustrated."
– ganache98012
No More Symptoms
"Lost about 80 pounds in the past year and a half, biggest thing that I’ve noticed that I haven’t seen mentioned on here yet is my acid reflux and heartburn are basically gone. I used to be popping tums every couple hours and now they just sit in the medicine cabinet collecting dust."
– colleennicole93
Expanding Capabilities
"I'm all for not judging people by their appearance and I recognise that there are unhealthy, unachievable beauty standards, but one thing that is undeniable is that I can just do stuff now. Just stamina and flexibility alone are worth it, appearance is tertiary at best."
– Ramblonius
People Change Their Tune
"How much nicer people are to you."
"My feet weren't 'wide' they were 'fat.'"
– LiZZygsu
"Have to agree. Lost 220 lbs, people make eye contact and hold open doors and stuff"
"And on the foot thing, I also lost a full shoe size numerically and also wear regular width now 😅"
– awholedamngarden
It's gonna take some getting used to.
Bones Everywhere
"Having bones. Collarbones, wrist bones, knee bones, hip bones, ribs. I have so many bones sticking out everywhere and it’s weird as hell."
– Princess-Pancake-97
"I noticed the shadow of my ribs the other day and it threw me, there’s a whole skeleton in here."
– bekastrange
Knee Pillow
"Right?! And they’re so … pointy! Now I get why people sleep with pillows between their legs - the knee bones laying on top of each other (side sleeper here) is weird and jarring."
– snic2030
"I lost only 40 pounds within the last year or so. I’m struggling to relate to most of these comments as I feel like I just 'slimmed down' rather than dropped a ton. But wow, the pillow between the knees at night. YES! I can relate to this. I think a lot of my weight was in my thighs. I never needed to do this up until recently."
– Strongbad23
More Mobility
"I’ve lost 100 lbs since 2020. It’s a collection of little things that surprise me. For at least 10 years I couldn’t put on socks, or tie my shoes. I couldn’t bend over and pick something up. I couldn’t climb a ladder to fix something. Simple things like that I can do now that fascinate me."
"Edit: Some additional little things are sitting in a chair with arms, sitting in a booth in a restaurant, being able to shop in a normal store AND not needing to buy the biggest size there, being able to easily wipe my butt, and looking down and being able to see my penis."
– dma1965
People making significant changes, whether for mental or physical health, can surely find a newfound perspective on life.
But they can also discover different issues they never saw coming.
That being said, overcoming any challenge in life is laudable, especially if it leads to gaining confidence and ditching insecurities.