Look, there's a reason brands don't often choose radical honesty as a marketing tactic when it comes to their slogans.
There aren't a lot of companies that could get away with just telling it like it is - but we can!
Reddit user night_howler_grt asked:
"If brands were brutally honest, what brand would have what slogan?"
And welp ... let's just say Reddit probably isn't going to get itself hired as a marketing professional any time soon.
We love the honesty, though!
Some Zingers For Zuck
"Facebook: your privacy is our business."
"Facebook: it's worse than you think."
"Facebook: we won't let anyone harass you. We don't tolerate it."
"Also Facebook: I see you have reported the same person 30 times due to harassment but we just don't want to do anything about it. Sorry not sorry."
"(True story)"
GiphyAllergy Relief
"Benadryl: you can't have allergies if you're unconscious"
"Last time I took one I slept for like 8 hours straight."
"This was after getting 8 hours straight already and only being awake for about 3 hours before taking one. It was a few days recovering from that!"
GiphyTaco Bell
"Taco Bell- same food, different shapes"
" 'What's a tostada?' "
" 'Tortillas, meat, beans, and vegetables' "
" 'What's a chalupa?' "
" 'Tortillas, meat, beans, and vegetables' "
"This is so true. Their whole menu can be boiled down to the same item over and over."
"Yet the only thing people love(nacho fries) they love to take away from us constantly. Who makes these decisions?!"
"Taco Bell: 57 Menu items, Six ingredients!"
GiphyHappy To Be Here
"RC Cola: we're just happy to be involved in the taste test"
- jolbina
"RC Cola: it's not much, but it's honest work."
"RC Cola: We know that's your last 1.25"
GiphyAds on Ads on Ads
"YouTube: You don't matter to us now watch our double ads!"
"YouTube: Ad will end in 5 seconds, after which another ad will play."
"Double? Lucky, I get 4, all un-skippable."
GiphyMotorcycle Madness
"Harley Davidson: from the Great Depression to your Midlife Crisis"
"Harley Davidson: we also make motorcycles!"
- shebiz
"Harley Davidson: Sure, you COULD buy an Indian or Ducati, but then you wouldn't be able to properly inflict your midlife crisis on everyone in the surrounding 3 blocks."
GiphyJust Not Now
"Tupperware: Have you ever wanted to throw away food, but just not now?"
- ItsDeCia
"Tupper-where the f*ck is the lid."
"Tupperware: remember when you reheated that pasta and red sauce? I'll never forget due to my PINK STAINED INTERIOR!"
GiphyTo-Do
"Nestlé: Where we treat human rights violations like a to do list!"
"Nestlé: We rob the poor and sell to the rich!"
"Nestlé: water is not for everyone!"
"This is why Nestlé is definitely among the very worst companies on this whole comment thread."
"And not enough people know it."
"When you actually truly believe water is a privilege and not a basic human necessity...you've reached a new level of insane."
GiphyBuzzworthy
"BuzzFeed: because you're too lazy to go on Reddit, and we're too lazy to write original content."
"I can see one of the writers awkwardly scrolling past this comment while they're putting the rest into a new article"
"Funny and true. Buzzfeed is how I was exposed to Reddit 😂"
"Same here! I don't think I've been read a Buzzfeed article since I signed up to Reddit"
GiphyAnger Management
"FedEx : our drivers take out their anger on your items."
"FedEx: No we DID knock on your door. Just very very lightly"
"FedEx: F*ck your packages and f*ck you, too."
"FedEx : you bought it, we break it"
- rykef
GiphyIf you're a brand manager or marketing professional reading this ... ya know ... feel free to throw these Redditors some job offers! They might be exactly what you need to revamp your image.
You can't fix it if you don't know it's broken, right?
OK who are we kidding, these brands totally know how people see them and none of these slogans are ever getting anywhere—regardless of how honest they are.
What honest brand slogans would you pitch if you could?
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"What is the craziest conspiracy theory that you secretly believe in?"
Or The Singers Just Wanted To Travel?
"Ireland began deliberately entering bad songs into the Eurovision Song Contest in the 90s."
"After winning it consecutively for a few years it began getting too expensive to host so they sabotaged their chances of winning it."- Houlilala
They Weren't That Cute...
"Build-A-Bear came out with a bunch of new toys that were all the same shade of yellow right after their Minion launch severely underperformed."
"They had stockpiled yellow fabric in anticipation of the Minion toys selling well and getting a big production run and had to find a way to use it all."- everlasting1der
Be Careful What You Ask...
"I believe r/AskReddit is actually a data farming operation that is being used to feed AI algorithms in order to produce more effective propaganda, social control mechanisms, etc… but what do I know…" - Sackerson-502
Search Engine Instagram GIF by GiflyticsGiphyBut Where Do The Beans Go?
"This is dumb, but my mother believes that the coffee grinder machines at the gas station are fake..as in they make a lot of noise just to make you think what your getting is fresh coffee."
"When it's 'grinding' the beans, you never see the beans move."
"We called the gas station and the employee said he doesn't know how the coffee makers work since a 3rd party refills them up or changes the flavors."
"I've called her crazy but slowly i'm getting sucked into it, simply because it's fun."- james_castrello2
Which Would Be More Embarassing?
"Paul Pierce sh*t his pants during the 2008 NBA Finals."
"He sat on the floor apparently injured until he was taken off the court in a wheelchair and returned minutes later completely fine."
"Sitting on the floor and leaving in a wheelchair stopped anybody from seeing his dookie stains."- pierremanslappy
paul pierce GIFGiphyNot Exactly Helping Anyone...
"Micro plastics are making people dumber."- blackbeautybyseven
When They Could Broaden Their Client Lists...
"That the weight loss industry sets people up to fail, because if their products worked they wouldn't have return customers."- Funky_chicken89
What's Important, He's Out There...
"It’s not the cameras: Bigfoot is blurry."- QuillDidNothingWrong
Bigfoot Sasquatch GIF by MOODMANGiphyThe World May Never Know...
"North Korea had an underground nuclear testing site collapse."
"Kim Jong Un then went to China."
"North Korea declared in their state news paper that they have perfected the nuke, and will no longer do any more tests."
"My theory is that Kim Jong Un went to China to ask for help fixing their nuclear disaster."
"Xi told him to deal with it himself and to stop playing with nukes."
"Kim came back to N.Korea like a beaten dog."- Initial-Finger-1235
What Lurks Beneath Midtown
"Occultist architect Ivo Shandor outfitted most of the buildings in downtown Manhattan with a specific alloy which, when activated under the right conditions, would summon Gozer the Gozerian."- Rogue_Wallet
A Connection To Brag About?
"This is dumb lmao, there is a man who lived and worked as a teacher where I'm from in NC."
"His name was Peter Stuart Ney."
"It was during the early 1800s, there's a local legend that lives on that this man was in fact one of Napoleon's right hand men, and fought alongside him even."
"It's been disproven apparently by the French government over the years, it's just funny how this guy was supposedly executed in 1815, just to show up over in NC as a teacher with the same surname and military expertise just 1 year later."
"They say he was a skilled fencer, and he had precise military knowledge even though he was just a teacher for the local school system."
"On his deathbed he supposedly confessed to being one Marshal Michel Ney, the 'Bravest of the Brave', according to Napoleon."
"Wild story but part of me just fully f*cking believes it's crazy enough to be true."
"Records indicated he had shown up in Charleston SC in 1816, just a year after this Michel Ney was executed in France."
"Idk, it's just a crazy story."- actuallyjayft
pizza emoji GIFGiphy...Aside From The Fact That Fairy Tales Are Public Domain...
"Disney only do remakes to retain copyright on the stories."- AndPlagueFlowers
Likely True For Some Of Them...
"All those crazy Boomers have lead poisoning."- octavialovesart
Bodes Well For Online Dating Too...
"The Empty Internet Conspiracy."
"A large part of the population of the internet and, thus, a large part of interactions on the internet are completely fake."
"Just faceless chat bots tooling around; generating social media posts, YouTube comments, and opinion articles on news sites."
"With the rise of AI generated essays and research papers, it's becoming easier to draw lines between those papers and how random news articles can read in a way in which a human would never write."- Karmit_Da_Fruge
Internet Netneutrality GIF by Ryan SeslowGiphyAs long as people keep these beliefs to themselves, and don't try to promote them, then they have every right to believe these rather dubious stories are true.
And who knows, some of these stories are so far-fetched, perhaps the only way they came to prominence was because they actually happened.
Redditor pambannedfromchilis wanted the wealthy to spill the deets on being wealthy, so they asked:
"What is something only a wealthy person would know?"
Tell me the secrets. Just first let me get a pen and paper.
Private Listings
I Am Rich Nene Leakes GIFGiphy"You can opt not to be on those 'wealthiest people' lists - for a price."
draggar
"The number of people that actively avoid those lists is far higher than the number of people on those lists. Also, some people actively manage the amount the list shows."
Ragnel
Call Me
"The phone numbers from people who could help you out of any (even bad) situation."
purevenuscookieslog
"All you need is one person with the right phone number and worth that level of protection."
There is a neighborhood in Colorado Springs with a large number of former generals, nuclear scientists, corporation directors, etc. Within 5 minutes of a burglary alarm going off, the criminal was dead. I can assure you that the Colorado Springs police can't respond that quickly."
jeffh4
HELP!
"The less help you need, the more you get."
manIDKbruh
"You have access to favorable credit lines with better rates than ordinary folk. They just throw money at you when you have money."
dbx999
"Bob Hope used to say 'a bank is a place that'll lend you money, but only if you can prove you don't need it.'"
tommytraddles
Premium Help
"How to fully use a hotel concierge service."
Firebolt164
"Was in Australia at a nice hotel. Wanted to go to Royal Observatory but there were no tickets that evening - only the evening we could make it. Ended up in casual conversation with the hotel concierge. At some, told him how much we were enjoying our visit and he asked if there was anything disappointing."
"I said only that we could not get into the Royal Observatory. He said he’d see what he could do, catching me by surprise having been unfamiliar with what a concierge does before then. That night my wife and I were looking at the Jewel Box through the telescope at the Royal Observatory."
arriesgado
Celeb Encounters
Rihanna Boat GIFGiphy"You can rent celebrities for your private events. Not just musicians, but bonafide actors and actresses."
MediumRareTaint
"I remember a few years ago the founder of Lululemon, Chip Wilson, had the Red Hot Chili Peppers play in his backyard here in Vancouver. We could hear them from the beach below."
madam1madam
If had the money to rent people for private events, Adele would have plans forever!
What is Rent?
Alicia Silverstone My Bad GIFGiphy"Have a friend who is moving to the Bay area. To work for a non-profit. Part-time. She didn't know what her salary would be."
minervazahara
Fly High
"Private jets come with different size luggage compartments."
thinkx5
"I mean, do all cars have the exact same size trunk? No, some are roomy as sh*t and some are teeny. It makes sense that different models from different manufacturers would have different sized/shaped compartments, especially given there are some that seat 4 passengers and some that seat 14."
fireandlifeincarnate
Member-Owned
"The difference between an equity country club and a membership country club."
smurfsundermybed
"Some country clubs have vested ownership (ie 100% member-owned) while others are owned by corporations. It really isn't always a prestige thing, many older clubs in the sticks only came about because they were member-owned and built by a group of families."
"Of course, nearly all of today's old-school elite courses started out as member-owned but that doesn't mean all member-owned courses are elite."
Salamok
"Yeah, this is a good one. Also, the understanding that you can't just walk into most private clubs, write a check for whatever the fee is and become a member. Most of the equity clubs have a white ball/black ball system too, similar to fraternities, where two or three blacks DQ you."
xkulp8
When in Need
"The VIP hotline number at the children's hospital when your kid needs urgent care but there's a big wait in the ER (but your kid isn't sicker than anybody else's kid in the ER), and you won't get to the front of the line. Blew my mind when a very wealthy friend told me he did this for his child (the friend's father was a huge donor to the hospital). More power to him, but there is the wealthy and then there is the wealthy."
off_mode_auto
The Most Valuable
Seth Meyers Time GIF by Late Night with Seth MeyersGiphy"That wealth is not what people see. It's what people don't get to see. That the most valuable asset is not things, but time."
shidored
Whoever said money can't buy happiness is lying.
There is the biggest secret.
