Identical twins switching places is a concept that has fascinated storytellers for years. (For every story like The Parent Trap, there's something like Dead Ringers).
We feel many writers have found new inspiration thanks to Redditor pvakil, who asked: "Identical Twins: Have you ever gone inti work, school, or some other occasion to cover your twin? How did it work out?"
50. Keeping The Rotation Going
GiphyMy dad is an identical twin. He and his brother regularly switched places in school. I can't remember the exact subjects but for clarity reasons I'll just say my dad was good at math and my uncle was good at English. The often switched when my dad had an English class and when my uncle had math. The teachers never noticed, but their friends knew the whole time.
49. Caught And Not Rewarded
No, but we did swap classes in primary school. Lasted half the day before the teachers caught us and made us swap back.
Then two weeks later some girls in the year above us got a merit award at assembly for managing the whole day without getting spotted.
48. Assumptions Presumptions
We never covered for each other or anything, but I was working at a casino as a dealer and my twin brother came in the general public entrance and played at a few tables. The floor manager spotted him and asked him "What the hell are you doing? Dealers can't come gamble. You could get fired for this. Get out of there before I report you myself"
Other than that, I've used his ID before to get into a bar because I forgot mine, but that's about it.
47. Close Call; Didn't Matter
My twin brother and I joined a research conference under different teams (my bro & another guy; me & another guy). We were required to make posters, and so we did.
So, day of the research conference comes, my partner and I basically messed up our concluding statement in the poster. We had to reprint our poster with the corrections.
That same morning, my partner and I met in the conference just to leave and reprint our poster. We didn't even register our team.
Luckily, my brother posed as me and registered my team, while his partner registered for his team. In that conference, we missed about 2-3 hours of what could've been the poster presentation or q&a about our respective researches. Sadly, we didn't win anything but thanks for that, twin bro.
46. Foul!
I am an identical twin! I haven't covered him for work or school or anything like that, but I used to play on his IM basketball team when he was sick and he did the same for me on occasion. No one knew, but I fouled an opponent hard on accident and my brother got dirty looks from that team for the rest of the season lol.
45. Saved By The Bell
We were in university and I was in a math class above his. He needed help on his final and just couldnt get a couple concepts so he asked me to take the final for him because he needed an A to get a B for the class. We are identical enough and all you needed was an ID so I thought why not??
Plus he would owe me big time.
I took the test and got him an A. The only hiccup was that his teacher asked me something about their class so I just laughed and walked away.
44. We're Good On The Tests
My identical twin brother has covered a few tests throughout my life, and I for him. The biggest occasion was when I was sick for my online final for a class I'd worked my butt off for, and he had already taken the final the week before. So when I got sick and obviously couldn't go take the test, the decision was pretty easy to offer him a $10 to go take the test again (which he did better on the 2nd time, thank god)
43. Off-Kilter
I went to college with a girl who had an identical twin sister (Let's call her Laura). We shared a design course and the way the desks were laid out had you facing toward each other. We weren't super close or anything but I saw her nearly every day. One day, she's acting a little different. I sort of stared at her for a sec and it clicked. I had never met Laura's sister before but I knew her name (let's call her Kelly), so I greeted her with it. She said "Damn it!" and went on to explain that her and Laura switched classes for a day just to see if they could get away with it. I advised her that she needed a better poker face but agreed to play along to see if anyone else would notice.
42. What Freaky Twin Thing?
My time to shine (kind of) So my brother and I aren't identical, but we look enough alike for people who don't know us to mistake us for twins. Anyways, we've switched our names up a bunch when substitute teachers or something are in class (because normal teachers would know we switched) and then tell them at the end of class. I also know a pair of identical twins who one of them was good at english while the other was good at math. So what did they do? One took both math classes and the other took both English classes. They were never caught. Being a twin has its perks even though you gotta share everything.
41. Charmed, I'm Sure.
I'm a twin. Not identical, but we still look the exact same. On multiple occasions I have gone to her classes to cover for her. One time my sister had an assignment to go see this play, and to prove she went, had to take a selfie in front of the venue. She was out of town, so I went instead and took a selfie of me in front of the place. Worked like a charm, always does.
40. Accidental Coverage
GiphyI'm a twin. We don't ever use this skill to cover one another, but it's a big perk when I go into the coffeeshop or the various other food places in the mall she works in. The staff assumes I'm her and they give me free coffee or discounts on meals.
39. Wasn't Me
Not even twins, but looked a lot like my older brother apparently, enough so the teachers who did not have our class could not tell us apart, he was a trouble maker and i took advantage those few times i did stuff i should not, like sneak into the computer room, and got caught. When the teachers asked who i was i said my brothers name and class and my brother, who is a little technophobic, did not remember sneaking into the computer room or why he would do it and why my classmates where there with him, but he soon realized it was me and not him, he did not rat though.
38. Get Out Of Jail FREE
I know a set of twins that would have frequent run-ins with the law. Each twin would always say they're the other twin when arrested. And then that other twin would show up to court with a rock solid alibi.
37. Guyz It's Me
My twin brother and I are both EMTs but we worked at different companies in the same city at one point. For about a month after he started working I kept getting comments from his coworkers whenever I ran into them like "you're working over there now" or "don't you work with us". And I got so many confused looks from his coworkers and patients too whenever they would see me they'd just stare at me like didn't this guy just leave.
36. It Didn't Work
Back in the time when ATMs didn't exist, I sent my identical twin with my ID to the bank to cash a check. The sharp eyed tellers didn't go for it And made him come and get me to give me my ID back. Lucky I didn't get in more trouble than that.
35. This...Got Away From Me
So I'm not a twin, but...
I've pretended to be. When I get my haircut I would quite often amuse myself by telling interesting lies about my life in responses those questions the hairdresser asks.
'What am I doing at the weekend? Well, I'm going to the Orkney Islands as part of a team trying to re-introduce wolves into the wild...'
'What do I do for a living? Actually I've just got a new job posing the waxworks at Madame Tussaud's...'
I didn't have a regular barber at a regular barbers so I let it run away with me a bit. Eventually it seems I must have stood out a bit too much. I sit down to get my haircut and am asked how my project mapping the tunnels and sewers beneath Barcelona had gone.
So I blamed that on my (non existent) twin brother, and proceeded to describe my upcoming work trip to do specialist pest control at CERN.
34. New Practice Techniques
Not one myself, but i knew a pair on school.
They'd mess around a lot and switch places just for the fun of it. Gonna call them "Drake" and "Josh" for this. Josh was in the band and Drake wasn't, and Josh gets his leg injured a day before a concert, And he has a solo in the concert. Drake decided to go in Josh's place. Problem was, he had no clue how to play trumpet. He had 1 day to learn about 3 years of Trumpet.
No one saw Drake at school the day of the concert. Josh was not there either(obviously.) At the concert, Drake shows up dressed in Josh's concert outfit, nervous as hell. When Drake has to do the solo, he gets up there, and NAILS IT LIKE A PROFESSIONAL.
Turns out, Josh could've gone to school that day with crutches, but didn't because he stayed home to teach Drake how to play. They only stopped practicing to either eat lunch or when one of them had to use the bathroom.
33. Professional Level Fun
Not me but this reminded me of two NBA players who were twins and one game people started theorizing that one of them started illegally playing instead of the other mid game when the other one was hurt, they judged this by how at one quarter of the game the player played like one of the brothers, but the next he started playing the the other brother, they're called the Morris twins if you're wondering, Markieff and Marcus if I'm not mistaken
32. Even The Teachers
I remember one of my elementary school teachers was a twin. She'd tell us stories about how sometimes in school they'd switch classes to give speeches or presentations the other didn't want to do. She said it was fun but sometimes it was very nerve wrecking because they always felt like they were gonna get caught.
31. Nobody Is Looking
Not a twin story, though I have a lot of twins in my family:
My grandmother and my great-aunt (my grandfather's brother) have the same first name. Right after my grandparents got married (so now they have the same last name as well), my great-aunt wanted to go on vacation, but didn't have enough allowed-missed-classes in college to do so.
So my grandmother went and sat in all the lecture hall classes and answered "present" when attendance was taken. No professor ever caught on.
30. Detention, Mr. Potter
GiphyIdentical twin.
Switched classes twice.
Caught instantly in first one. Teacher said nothing during class but given hour detention after.
Second, elderly, absent minded shop teacher took roll by lining everyone up on their "number" painted on the floor.
He walked along the line looking down for empty numbers marking his list.
Never noticed a thing.
But a few minutes later he walked over to me, Put his face close to mine and I was busted.
Apparently my brother who had switched into my class had been discovered and the office called the shop teacher saying the wrong twin was in his class.
Once, in Junior High, the girl sitting in front of me turned around and slapped me. "I think you're mean", she says.
When she saw the surprised look I had she realized she slapped the wrong twin. Some minor grievance she had had with him.
29. Peepers
I used my twin sisters license when I was pulled over by the cops. I was 16 and my sister had gotten her license before me. Technically I wasn't doing anything illegal because where I am from once you do the written test you can drive with any licensed driver. However, the police look for bribes and I should have been more careful about where I was driving. For context I was practicing in a school parking lot (on the weekend when nobody was there). The problem is this parking lot neighbors a police station and the fence is made of wire so the police probably just got curious and bored.
28. Serving Size
Back in school, we found it absolutely hilarious to swap. We'd attend each other's classes and all but the teacher were in tears. More recently, I was working behind a bar and my brother walks in with my family. My manager, absolutely fuming, begins walking over to my brother and then looks at the bar to see me serving someone. He confronts me about it and instantly bursts into laughter, glad he took it well, but that could've gone badly!
27. Unnoticed Duplications
I have a good story. My history teacher senior year was a total jerk and was very full of himself. I had my identical twin come down from his study hall and sit in class, with me. Same period. He never noticed and we did it several times. We would both ask and answer questions right after each other and he somehow didn't notice! Absolutely hilarious everyone else in the period was really silent the whole time (very rare in his class) and were dropping hints to my teacher in their responses to his questions.
26. It's My Twin And I'll Switch If I Want To
I don't have a twin but a guy I went to school with (and had a huge crush on for years) has a twin brother. On the last day of school I wanted to tell him that I always had a crush on him just to get it out and see what he says but of course on that exact day they wanted to see whether their switch would work or not. The teacher didn't notice and handed him his degree but I did immediately. Never saw him again and never told him either.
25. The #Queen
My mom has a twin and once told me that her sister wanted to break up with her boyfriend, but did not know how to, so my mom went on a walk with him and pretended to be her sister, to break up for her.
On The walk he started to talk about how weird her sister (my mom) was, and my mom god mad and was like "yeah, she never liked you, she's breaking up. Btw, I'm (my moms name)."
He was totally baffled and had no idea, while my mom walked away like a queen.
Makes me laugh every time. Poor mom.
24. The Joke Sailed Over Our Heads
Managed to switch midway through a double period of English, he had his blazer on the back of his chair and I came in with mine on, people knew and were laughing but the teachers didn't cotton on. Which is a shame, because my brother proceeded to write a sexist piece on how women can't park for an advertising task, which didn't win me any favours with my female teacher.
23. There's Secretly Three Of Us
I'm a fraternal twin. The plot twist here is that my older sister looks exactly like my twin instead. So while my twin and I would never be able to do a switcheroo, they actually pulled it off once for an April Fool's Day prank. They switched for two class periods with one teacher's permission. I was in Chinese with my older sister (instead of my twin like usual) and halfway through the class my twin shows up because she couldn't do any conducting (my older sister was band president). My poor teacher was so confused.
22. You're Just Now Me Too
I'm an identical twin, my brother and I apparently are 'so identical' that people I went to school with and worked around sorta have up on telling us apart. It got to the point where I now just answer to his name as well as mine. Even though we have very different personalities we always got away with covering for each other when we weren't together. On the whole no real issues came up, probably because both of us are quite unassuming.
21.My Twin's Failures
My sister is older than me by 14 months and we would get mistaken for twins all the time. I was slightly shorter and skinnier than her but not by much.
When she was 5yo, she had a chance to get into this very prestigious competitive all girls' elementary school. To get in, they had a bunch of things you had to do: family interview with the school, an entrance exam, second set of interviews, so on.
My parents and my sister went to the first interview and it went well ; they had high hopes. But right before the written exam, in typical kid character, my sister fell sick. She could not go. Did my parents say, "oh, well. Sucks for us" ? Nope. They dressed me up, coached me to call myself by my sister's name and took me to the written test. I was 4. I could not write. I didn't even take a pencil to the test. I looked out the window almost the entire time, longing to go out and play at the playground below.
As soon as the test was over, the kids were expected to gather in a room for a play session type thing. The teacher remarked to my parents, "Your daughter looks smaller." I don't remember anything after that. Maybe my parents died of embarrassment and hauled me out?
Needless to say, I did not pass the test and my sister still jokingly whines about it.
20. Deliberately Misleading
GiphyI lived with twins and made the biggest fool of myself.
Enough time had passed that I was definitely expected to know the difference between them. Well, I didn't. One day I dropped by their work, a burger joint. One of the twins was there wearing a name tag, perfect. I said "hi Lydia!" And Lydia smiled and said Hi!!
Then I drove home and saw the other one. "Hey Steph how's it going?" -Uh, I'm Lydia...
"Haha nice try Lydia's working right now."
-Oh, no Steph's covering for me at work today.
UNFAIR
19. Punchéd
Had identical triplets at school. At the time Andrew was in my class, Richard and Simon were in other classes.
April 1st they swapped around and we had Simon in my class. Teacher had no idea so Simon deliberately got a detention for his brother.
Next day Andrew served the detention and Simon had a very conspicuous black eye.
18. Fred And George If They Were High School Girls
I'm not a twin myself, but I used to have identical twin step-sisters (Not anymore due to the calling off of an engagement and other complicated stuff). When we lived together, they were in high school and I was in fourth grade.
One year for April Fool's Day, they decided to switch schedules with each other and see if their teachers and classmates would notice that they switched out. They were good students, and before they went through with it got an okay from the principal. If I remember right, it went pretty well and nobody really noticed.
They were also on the basketball team together and were known for tricking the other team and giving the announcer a really hard job. They had the same theater class too, and would work on scenes together, switching parts if they ever needed to.
17. Setting Identifiers
We've never covered for each other since we're in health care and that could be bad but we have switched places at school before. The teacher didnt believe we would do that to him even though the whole class told him we did it. We told him after and he got a good chuckle out of it.
Currently we work at the same place and the first thing I do when meeting new people is warn them I have a twin. She wears glasses now so we can't switch like we used to. Some of the Residents still get confused.
16. I Wasn't Distant; I Just Wasn't
My sister had to go to my chemistry class because it was required that I attend both a chemistry class and a nursing school meeting at the same time. Obviously couldn't been in two places at once so I said something to both colleges about my predicament and both stated I'd have to choose and face the consequences.
So I had her attend my horrible chemistry class. In the end no one really knew the difference except my friends in chemistry ended up asking why I acted weird last time, and didn't talk to them. When I told them its because it wasn't me they were SHOOK.
15. No Driving
My brother took my driving test for me and passed. HOWEVER, i live in Vanocouver Canada which is like 80% asian and they previously cought a asian guy doing over 100 tests for people if you paid him and they installed some crazy face recognition cameras and 3 weeks after my brother passed... we were called in by a police detective looking at identity fraud. We managed to convince him we did identity sharing at best lol
I had to give back my license. ( i must also specify i had been driving for 3 years prior, never had a crash, i only had my brother do it because it was convenient to me as i was out of the city )
i've had many other twin situations that did pay off though.
14. A Cute Little Crush
My Grandmother was a twin and told me this story, she passed now unfortunately.
Back when they were younger, she had a crush on a boy in school, but the boy had a class with her twin, and actually asked her twin out.
Her twin knew my grandmother had a crush on the boy, so she said yes to the date, and they switched for the date... Apparently it worked, and she still smiled thinking back about that date.
I loved how innocent and cute she was when she told that story. They also tried switching classes one day but the teacher caught them. The principal just laughed and told then not to do it again!
13. Seeing Double--That's Why I'm At The Doctor's
This reminds me of my old boss and his identical twin. This was in a small, doctors office (most days just me and the doc working) and his twin came in and was sitting in the waiting/reception area talking with me. A patient walked in and said "hey doc, slow day?" his twin says "yep so I'm just chatting with Darth". They start chatting and then real doc comes out, patient does a double take, and both doc and his brother start laughing. It was great.
12. Playing The System
There is a set of identical twins who share a house next-door, 28 year old guys, and we get each other mail all the time. Just today I was checking for mail and one had a Costco flyer delivered (Costco is like a religion in California and practically everyone has a membership) and I thought, "How brilliant! Bryan has the membership and he can say he lost his card, get a replacement and give it to Steven to use!" (Costco membership cards have the member's photo on it.) An hour or so later later I remembered that the membership is for two people per household and Steven probably has a legit card.
11. Excuses, Excuses
I'm a somewhat fan of Rami Malek (he played Freddie Mercury in the movie bohemian rhapsody) and he tells of a story with his identical twin, Sami. His brother Sami needed to recite a Greek or Roman — I forget —monologue to pass a class. Rami, who was in some sort of theater school had recently worked on this exact type of thing and Sami took advantage of that. Rami agreed and they met outside of Sami's class.
Sami told Rami what to wear so Rami would look like Sami. Rami preformed the monologue and got a standing ovation from the class. The teacher took him outside (Sami was in his car at this time) and questioned him about when he learned that, and why. Rami told her it was a hobby of his. She studied his face, and asked if he "could come in tomorrow and do this again" for her other class. He asked if he "had passed the class", and she said "yes".
He said "no I'm busy tomorrow" and left. He just walked out.
10. "My dad..."
My dad is an identical twin... He has some stories.
He did tell me of the time when he was in college that he asked his brother to cover for him in a Friday afternoon class so my dad could leave town early to get back to his girlfriend. My dad and my uncle were majoring in the same subject so that helped, but they had different electives. I did help that most of the students in the class knew both my uncle and my dad, so they helped my uncle out when he got cornered by a question every once in a while. The prof never caught on.
9. "I was working..."
I was working in a department store, and my twin came in to grab something. As he was walking though the store my manager mistook him for me and proceeded to chew him out for being out of uniform and leaving the electric section empty. He let her yell for a bit and then told her he was my twin. Now I don't tell people that I'm a twin (too many stupid questions) so even when he told her she didn't believe him. I happened to be walking nearby when i heard the interaction and finally put it to rest.
8. "I'm a twin..."
I'm a twin, we aren't identical, my cousins are though! They would switch spots to take tests for each other in different classes when they were in high school, because one was usually better at certain subjects, it never failed, except a single time, they got suspended, but they managed to convince everyone that it was the first time and they only wanted to see if it would work, even though they'd been doing it all throughout high school, so they didn't get in too much trouble. They still talk about it proudly and we all still laugh about how they managed it, their mother still scolds them whenever they bring it up because even she believed their lie back then
7. "My dad..."
GiphyMy dad is an identical twin. Legend has it that on their 16th birthday my dad's twin was sick. My father went and passed his own driver's test, went home to change clothes, and then went back and passed his brother's test for him.
6. "My aunts..."
My aunts are identical twins, they used to swap places on test days in school. One would take a math test twice, the other would take an English test twice. Since they often dressed the same anyway, it wasn't obvious. Yes they were successful.
5. "Identical mirror..."
Identical mirror twin here. It never worked out well for us, we look similar but personality wise we're pretty easy to tell apart. The face would get you in the door but 5 minutes later it's straight to the principal's office.
4. "No..."
No, but there were a few times where she's gone into my work when I wasn't there and people mistook her for me. I suppose she's lucky they didn't try to get her to cover for me, haha.
3. "One day I was sick..."
One day I was sick in high school but my mom made me still go to school. I had an in-class essay that was 25% of my grade that day, and since my sister had that class earlier in the day and got to see the prompt, I convinced her to do it for me. We have different clothing styles so we switched clothes and she wrote my essay, which I got a B+ on (I was happy with that considering I was pretty sick and couldn't have done that). We decided to just go the whole day like that and no teachers caught on.
Another time that kinda sucked though was also in high school when my twin fell in front of everyone at lunch. It got around that I was the one who fell. My boyfriend even came to me making sure I was okay. I was so embarrassed because literally the whole school was laughing about it. Obviously my sister didn't do much to make it clear it wasn't me lol.
There were times when I have also done embarrassing things and said it was my twin. Comes in handy
Now I have bleach blonde hair and people can easily tell who is who! But we live in different cities so we can't switch much anyways.
2. "Identical twin..."
Identical twin: The issue that a lot of people overlook about this whole swap is that even though you might look like someone, you're behavior is different and there's a ton of detailed information you would need to know to pull it off.
When my brother and I did it in 3rd grade I didn't even bother to ask him what desk was his.
1. "Me and my twin..."
GiphyMe and my twin have a thing where when we're not together, and someone mistakes us for the other, we just pretend to be the other. I've actually had lunches with people I don't know, because at that point I'm in too deep... and it's scary.
What's also weird is when the person/ people recognizes us, so we play along, but then it ends up that neither of us even knew them.
The stupidity and ignorance of some people can be flat-out flabbergasting. Do they live under a rock? Were they dropped on their head as a child? You’ll be asking these same questions after you read these stories. These are more than simple “push on the pull door” moments, as Redditors in the service industry tell stories of clueless customers who left them puzzled, perplexed and perturbed.
This Ship Has Sailed
person sitting front of laptopPhoto by Christin Hume on UnsplashThis is a conversation I had with one customer trying to buy something online. “Hello, I made an online order and I see that you've charged me the shipping cost twice.” “Hmm, that's weird, let me check. No, I see that it's the right amount, sir.” “You’re wrong, I've made two orders and I've already paid the shipping cost for the first one. I shouldn't have to pay twice.”
“Oh, I see! You've made two orders, sure, we can make it one package and only charge you once for the shipping, but can you tell me the order numbers for your orders, because the system shows me that you've only placed one today.” This is where it unraveled.“Yeah, the second one was not placed today.” “When was it placed, sir?”
“I don't know, like three or four months ago, but still, I've paid for the shipping cost before. Why would I have to pay again?”
The Price Of Ignorance
This is a dialogue I had to have with a grown adult. It was a man who was looking to purchase a shirt in our store. He pointed at the price tag on a shirt and said, "Excuse me, what do these numbers represent? I said, "The numbers right after the dollar sign?" He said, "Yes.” "That's the price of the shirt." "Oh, I see! Thank you!" At least he was friendly.
The Usual Suspects
During high school, I worked at a grocery store that also offered home delivery. Several times daily, I would have people calling in to ask for “the usual.” It was a fairly small store so we didn't have any systems to keep a history on customers, so we had to ask for their address as well. Half the time they would refuse to give it because "it's in the system."
Sense Of Entitlement
I worked at a college and had conversations with helicopter parents that went like this: The parent would ask, “Can you look up the transactions on my child’s account and send them to me?” “Nope.” “Why not?” “Because your child is an adult and we protect their privacy.” Their response was always unsettling. “I’m their parent. They don’t need privacy from me!”
“That’s between you and your child. The laws protect their privacy from everyone, including their parent.” “I’m their guardian and entitled to this information!” “Without a court order, 18-year-olds (or 22-year-olds for that matter) do not require guardians.” “I’m going to report this to the Dean!” “Please do, as it will let them know I’m doing my job.”
Novel Expectations
I had a woman one time use our computers to place a hold on a book that was on the shelf at another library, then come to the desk five minutes later to ask for it. I had to explain to her that the books don't just magically appear from other libraries, they get driven over after the holds get pulled. She seemed genuinely confused that someone wouldn't drive it over right away.
Idea Doesn’t Mix
woman wearing brown apronPhoto by Steven Cleghorn on UnsplashI worked as a waitress for eight years. I had a patron order a salad with oil and vinegar as the dressing. I brought the salad to the table and asked if anyone needed anything else. Everyone was happy and I went on my way. A couple of minutes later, I got that hand signal “Please get over here” style. I come over and ask how everything is going. That's when I heard the dumbest question of my life.
No joke, my patron asked me why the oil and vinegar weren’t mixing. I did my best to explain the reason why oil and vinegar hate each other. But she wasn’t having it. She told me she’s had oil and vinegar dressing mix before at other restaurants. I explained that there was likely a bonding agent in the dressing and it was not just oil and vinegar at those other restaurants.
She just looked at me. I then asked if she wanted a different mixed dressing. She said she would be happy with the dressing she ordered, she just wanted to know why it wasn’t mixing.
Naughty List
Here are just a few examples I had to deal with while working at a hardware store customer service desk: If you wish to return an item you must present the item and your receipt. I cannot process a refund if you have neither. No, we do not sell asbestos. No, I cannot order some in for you. When water boils, it does indeed produce "bubbles."
So if the water is bubbling once it reaches temperature, your kettle is working properly. Zip ties are not simply "disposable handcuffs." They can be used for other purposes and it should not be concerning nor surprising that a hardware store sells them.
Burst Your Bubble
My first job at 16 was at Party City. One day, I'm blowing up balloons at the balloon counter and a lady comes up to buy some latex balloons. I asked if she wants us to fill them and she said no, she'd do it at home. Making small talk, I remarked that she must have one of the Party Time helium tanks at home. Her reply made my jaw drop to the floor.
She said, "No, I blow them up with my mouth. You just put the string on them and they float!" I do the multiple blinks, trying to work out in my head what she's just said. She fully believed she could blow up the balloons with her mouth and the magic was...attaching a string. I tried to give this woman an impromptu chemistry lesson. She insisted. I still think about that magic woman to this day.
A Cocktail Of Absurdity
Here are a few favorites as a bartender: A drink is a liquid, and it’s a bad idea to shake it around. Yes, the "This is a smoke-free area" sign also applies to people who are addicted. Yes, the people on the tables around you are inebriated. No, I'm not going to kick them out. Seriously, what were they expecting when entering a bar at 2:00 am?
You still have to pay for the entire meal even though you only ate half of it, especially if you asked us to pack the other half to take home. No, you're not allowed to test our beverage menu by taking a shot...unless you buy a shot. Exposure doesn’t pay my bills. Your kid is not going to get adult beverages from me, I don't care that it's his birthday.
No, we're not running a smuggling business in the back, you just watch too many movies. Also, did you believe that I'd tell you if it were the case? No, you can't pay in some weird cryptocurrency here. I don't know you are a "regular." You've been here twice, and one of those times I wasn't even working.
No Connection
Clear your schedule, put on a pot of coffee, and make yourself comfortable—I am about to tell you the story of, hands down, the most idiotic customer I have ever seen in 10 years of working retail. A very grumpy high-society woman came to the store saying her brand new 3,000-dollar Microsoft surface bought by her husband was defective because she could not get internet when she was on the move. I quickly realized she was talking about Wi-Fi, so I tried explaining to her how Wi-Fi actually works. Boy, was that a mistake!
I told her that she could not use her Wi-Fi outside her house, but that she could share her smartphone internet connection. She would have none of it. She said I was lying to her and making fun of her. She even asked to speak to my manager, who then proceeded to tell her the exact same thing, almost to the word. She left screaming.
Moms Who Need To Change
a baby laying on a bed with white sheetsPhoto by Pavlina Baudysova on UnsplashI’ve had to tell a restaurant customer that you can’t change your baby on an unoccupied table. Would you take a dump on a restaurant's table? No, so why should it be any different for your baby? Poop is poop and that is a health code violation to be around food, not to mention people eating in a restaurant don't want to smell poop while they're eating.
Lady, that's what the bathroom is for! Why are some parents so disgusting and inconsiderate?
A Penny For Your Thoughtlessness
I used to work at Aaron Brothers, and they had a famous buy a frame, get another for a penny sale. People would try to return one frame, which isn’t allowed because then you’re getting one frame for a penny. You have to return both frames. Seeing the blank stare of confusion as I explained that to people was always entertaining.
Melting Away
I had to explain that if you order ice cream for four people on a hot summer day, but the four people are still like 30 minutes away, said ice cream is going to melt before the four people get there. And no, that is not my fault.
Father Knows Best
Years ago, I worked in student housing at a university and had to explain to a father, for well over an hour, that I could not make sure that his daughter was in her room by 8:00 pm and ensure that she never spoke to boys.
Diaper Training
I worked at a CVS in high school. Many weirdos shop at CVS, but the weirdest among them were the ones who bought diapers and then asked me if I knew how to put them on a baby. Maybe it’s just my personal opinion, but if you’re at the point in your life where you have to buy diapers and put them on a baby, you should’ve figured this out from someone other than the teenager at the cash register.
Doesn’t Have A Hot Clue
person holding white ceramic mugPhoto by Chad Madden on UnsplashI worked at a coffee shop and a woman came in saying that the mug she bought is defective. I ask what is wrong and she goes, “It says it's microwave and dishwasher safe. I put it in the microwave to heat it and it got hot!” I explained that the text on the mug means it can be used in a microwave without breaking...but that anything placed in a microwave will still get hot.
She maintained, “Well, then it's not safe.”
Clueless Customer
As a pharmacist, this is a conversation I’ve had with a customer: “I’d like some OxyContin.” “Okay, sure. Who’s your prescribing physician?” “My what?” “Sorry, who’s the doctor that told you needed OxyContin?” “Oh, there wasn’t one.” “Uh. Okay. Do...do you have a prescription?” “No.” “So. You just want some OxyContin?” “Duh. Is there someone smarter than you working?” “Next!”
Door Jam
A client bought a car from our dealership and called two days later to say that the back doors were not opening from the inside. I knew exactly what the problem was. I asked him specifically if the child lock was on, but he denied it. He brought the vehicle back to us and one of our salespeople opened the door and deactivated the child lock while getting in.
He opened the door and the client’s mind was blown that the door was suddenly opening.
Skin Deep
We sell organic skincare where I work. A client called saying the seal on her moisturizer she just bought came off too easily and she wanted to return it. I asked her to bring it in so we could exchange it for her. When I checked her product, there was a straight-up finger-shaped hole in the foam seal. When I asked her about it, she said it happened after the fact.
Sure. I told her I would happily exchange it. She didn't seem thrilled but didn't say anything. At this point, I figured it was a case of buyer's remorse and she wanted a refund but was blaming the seal. So I hand her a fresh product. She takes it out of the box in front of me, saying she just wants to check the seal. She proceeds to pull up on the edges of the seal hard enough until it pops off.
She stares at me, I stare at her. She tells me, "See, this one is unsealed too." I told her, "Nope, that one was sealed. That’s an acceptable seal so the product should be just fine for you. Enjoy your day!" She didn't come back, but I put notes on her account in case she called the head company to complain about the so-called "seal" problem.
Forgot Your Password?
As an IT guy, I once spent 56 minutes on a password reset call with a dude who just could not get it. The new password requirements were simply beyond the limits of his comprehension. Over and over, around and around, we went through the process. I must have reset him half a dozen times. I didn't think it could get worse, but it did.
Finally, after I had long since made peace with the idea of getting fired for simply hanging up on this dude, he exclaims, "Wait a minute! Is that number supposed to be a lowercase or an uppercase one?”
Weather Or Not
brown and black grilled meatPhoto by Fábio Alves on UnsplashI worked as a server at a higher-end steakhouse that had a beautiful patio. I was working a lunch shift on a day that was completely overcast, and it looked like it could start pouring rain any minute. Because of this, we didn’t “open up” the patio. The patio always had tables and chairs, but we didn’t open any umbrellas or set any tables.
A lady came in and asked for a seat on the patio, weird due to the weather but whatever. I walked her out to the patio and set up a table for her, and as I was walking away she asked if she could sit in a sunnier spot. None of the umbrellas were open, and there were no sunny spots because the sun was not out. I just looked at her and told her she could have her pick of any of the tables.
She looked around and it finally dawned on her that this was not patio weather. Years later, and I’m still not sure if she thought I had some magical weather powers or if she thought if she just wanted it to be sunny strongly enough, it would be.
Best Before
My co-worker and I work at a deli. One day, a customer came up to them asking why their meat smelled weird. My co-worker asked, “How long have you had it?” and then the customer said, “A few months, why?” The dude never even knew that expiration dates existed. He said that his ex-wife always prepared food for him and he has never cooked for himself.
He pointed at various other foods and asked if they had expiration dates too, so my co-worker had to explain that each food had a different lifespan.
A Cut Above
A customer in our store cut up a shirt because she couldn’t get it off. She pulled scissors out of her bag and cut up the sleeve and down the side, handed it back to me, and walked off. I called after her and said, “Ma’am, you have to pay for this.” What she said next blew my mind. She said she didn't want it because it was damaged.
I then explained to her that as she was the one who damaged it, and that we can’t sell it, that she has to pay. She just looked at me and said “Well, can’t you just sew it back up?” No, that’s not how it works, lady. In the end, I contacted security and a store manager and she ended up paying for the shirt, which was $160 (it was a rather pricey brand).
Closed Minded
So many times I'll be at work preparing to open before we open, and a customer will walk up and yank on the door without even looking and then stand back in confusion. Then I watch them read the sign that says we're closed and then inspect the sign with our hours that clearly says we don't open for another half hour, and then they start rattling the door and waving at me.
If I have to open the door and tell them to their faces that we aren't open yet, they usually just say "Oh." What is the thought process? What is going on?
Please Be Specific
Back in the late 90s, I was working retail at a dollar store. One fellow came up to me and asked, and I kid you not, "Do you have the thing with the thing that comes out?" I gave him a second to see if he would realize what he had said and provide some detail. After a beat or two, I said, "I'm sorry, sir, you will have to be a bit more specific. What thing are you looking for?"
He made hand gestures, almost as if he were pulling open a door or something, and said, "You know...one of those things with the thing that comes out." Managing not to lose my temper, I said, "Sir...What does the thing do?" He said, "It makes coffee." I said, "Are you asking if we have coffee makers that have filter baskets that can be pulled completely out?"
"Yes," he said. I replied, "No, sir, we don't have the thing with the thing that comes out, we only have the thing with the thing that swivels out. Sorry." Later, he came up to me. He held up a box of 35-gallon trash bags. He asked me, "Will these fit in that?" and he pointed at a trash can that was marked, "50 Gallons." I said, "No, sir."
He asked, "Why not?" I said, "Because that is a fifty-gallon trash can, and those are thirty-five-gallon bags." He looked at me blankly for a moment. I added, "Thirty-five is less than fifty." "Ah," he said, nodding sagely.
Weak Signals
person holding smartphonePhoto by Rodion Kutsaiev on UnsplashI have had to explain to a shocking number of people that cellular signals can be blocked by structures and garages and that large buildings are well known for blocking cellular signals. I have also had to explain to a shocking number of people that battery life will vary based on usage. It will drain faster while you use it and slower while it's doing nothing.
And even more surprising is that I have to explain signal performance to people who lived through having to step outside to make a call because there was no signal inside.
Caught In A Jam
I used to work in a pancake restaurant. One day I was serving a customer, and he didn't even bother to read the menu. He asked for pancakes with some specific jam. I told him that we do not have that jam on the menu. His answer was eyebrow-raising. He said that I should go to the nearby shop and get some for him because he doesn't want to eat pancakes with anything else.
Yes, I needed to explain to an adult man that that's not how restaurants work.
Comical Explanation
I worked in a coffee-shop/bookstore. We specialized in manga and comic books, and you could either buy them or take a drink and read for as long as you wanted. Like, we didn't have any restrictions; you could read for eight hours by buying a coffee. However, I still had to explain multiple times a day that yes, you must order and pay for a drink if you want to sit and read.
There was a good library where you could go to read for free, but we were a business and needed to make money. I've had people insulting me because of this.
Making A Case
I worked at an electronics store, and some lady came in to buy a charging case for her iPhone. The case has a battery that can charge your phone a couple of times. Well, she was asking what the cable inside the box was for, which was a micro USB cable. I explained that it's to charge the battery in the case. She didn't understand.
I explained that the case has a battery in it and that you need to charge up that battery. Then, your phone goes in the case and if your phone battery is low and you are out and about, you can turn on the case and it'll recharge your phone. It has enough battery capacity to charge your phone usually once. There was a long pause as I anticipated what she would say next.
She goes, "Wait so you have to charge up the case?" I say, "Yeah." She responds "Oh well, that's stupid.” So I ask, "What's stupid about that?" She says, "Well that's stupid that you have to charge it, you shouldn't need to do that." So I say: "Ma'am, if the manufacturer figured out the global solution for unlimited electricity I don't think they'd be selling phone cases."
She gave me a super-angry expression, you know the one where she thinks she's still right and stormed off.
A Server’s Regret
I’ll always regret that I made my manager do this because I honestly didn’t know what to do. An old woman came in, she didn’t look too old, probably in her early 70s, and she comes in with her daughter and grandkids. I seat them at the only open section with the only waitress who is on at the moment. That waitress happens to be Black.
After I seat them with her a few minutes later, the old lady comes up to me and asks for a non-Black waitress. As a teen, I had no clue what to do and just got my manager. Now I wish I told her how awful she was.
Smoke Signals
white toilet paper roll on brown wooden tablePhoto by Erik Mclean on UnsplashI had to explain to a customer that toilet paper rolls shouldn't be returned to a store because it was not a decent thing to do. Oh, but it got grosser. She had used them all. I also had to explain to this same woman that the disabled staff member who couldn't talk didn't intend to scare or offend her by making noises at her and smiling.
Key Conspiracy
I live in France. Here we use AZERTY keyboards instead of QWERTY. That's just how it is and it's been like that for decades. I had to explain to some foreign dude that no, unfortunately, we did not have any QWERTY keyboards in stock, but he could order one online and that no, it wasn't a conspiracy. He started shouting in the store that this was an attack on human rights and brainwashing.
That’s A Stretch
I had to explain to an adult woman that the rubber bands that were accidentally left on her lobster's claws were indeed not edible. I had assured her that they were safe for the food, you just couldn’t eat them. Not a minute later, I was called back after she attempted to eat said bands. Her teenage child just stared at her like she had three heads.
Future Karen?
I worked furniture retail over 20 years ago before we had a name for "Karen," but they certainly existed. I had to explain, slowly like I was talking to a child, to a grown woman that she could not return her glass-top patio table that she left out all winter. The glass top was smashed, swept up, and put into a box that was now in front of me.
She couldn't fathom why I was saying no. She had kids with her watching this behavior. Future Karens.
On Thin Ice
I teach kids to ice skate. Parents are asked out of the rink once the kids are ready. A parent of a two-year-old insists that they cannot leave their child alone. I explained that the coaches are here to help and look after the child, but the parent just kept repeating, “I will not be leaving him, he is unable to walk.”
Come on! Why do you sign up your two-year-old for skating if your child is unable to walk on normal land, let alone with skates on? I didn’t think I’d have to have this conversation with an adult. Multiple times.
Loonies, No Greenbacks
waving Canada flagPhoto by sebastiaan stam on UnsplashThat this is Canada and we do not take US cash in exchange for goods at our store, despite being a US-based multinational brand. I never thought someone would scream so hard and so close to my face that my hair blew back. It was a surprising exchange that I still think about 15 years later. Ma'am, we are a different country entirely.
“Don’t Throw A Fit”
That when I tell you we are out of stock, it means there is zero inventory. There isn’t some magical special inventory we keep for special customers who complain and dance around the subject. No matter how much you try to weasel it out of me, we don’t have it! So tired of having to explain to adults, you get what you get and you don’t throw a fit.
Bad Vibes
While I worked at Wal-Mart, a middle-aged couple danced around me in the aisle I was stocking for a good five minutes before the guy just straight-up asked me where he could find the batteries for his vibrator. His wife was hiding around the corner. I calmly asked, well what kind of batteries does it take? He looked at me with shame and told me he didn't know.
I then asked if they had brought the vibrator with them so we could take the batteries out to see. For my sake, they hadn't brought it in with them. I suggested they go home and open it and find out what kind it needed. I also suggested maybe a hearing aid battery or watch battery because I had never used a vibrator before and didn't know what they needed.
They went away yelling at each other for not opening it up to see what it needed.
Mean Business
Too many times I need to explain the basics of business to grown adults. For example, to process a return, you need either the receipt or the physical product with you. Realistically, you should have both. If it’s just the receipt, you could have just kept the “defective” item. If it’s just the item, you could have stolen it or bought an identical thing at a cheaper retailer.
Most stores are fairly lenient with this because they don’t want trouble, and most customers are at least 60% honest. You can’t just go up to a register and say, “I bought some produce here and they went bad too fast. I don’t know what they’re called or how much I paid, I want a refund.” Beyond that, people think that the absolute basics of a business are a “scam” when they first start figuring out that what we charge for items is more than what we pay the farmer or factory or artist.
When customers at stores or restaurants “do the math” themselves, they are constantly thinking things like, “I can make this dish for $5 at home if I also use my existing pantry staples, why is it $22 at the fancy gastropub?” or “I can get yarn at JoAnn’s for $7, why does this sweater cost $40?” They usually come to the extremely wrong conclusion “You just want to make money!”
Yeah, we do. In addition to the 900 other things that create higher costs for consumer goods other than raw materials, yes, businesses want to make a profit. And it’s impossible to explain that to an infuriated customer in a polite way. Once a customer starts saying that “big businesses only want to make money,” the only way to answer their questions is both involved and extremely condescending. Turns out the response is not to answer their concerns at all.
Taking The Temperature
I never thought anybody would need to be told “Yes, the ice cream cake, made only of ice cream, has to be kept in the freezer. No, the refrigerator won’t suffice. It will melt.” This has happened many times over the years.
When Pigs, And Buffalo, Fly
fried chicken and with green vegetablesPhoto by Alexander Kovacs on UnsplashNo madam, the buffalo wings are not real buffalo.
In A Puddle
A customer once stood in a puddle that was outside our store and asked me what I was going to do about it. I had to explain to him that I do not control the weather and I can’t make it stop raining or get rid of the puddle.
Top Three
Here are my top three retail experiences: 1) Yes, the can of Crisco has a picture of crispy fried chicken on it. No, the can does not contain crispy fried chicken. 2) No, birth control pills are not 100% effective. This was explained to a woman quite near her delivery. And 3) No, we don't have fans that only blow cold air. I'm sure I could come up with lots more, but these are the first three that come to mind.
Sob Story
In a couple of different lines of business, I've had women start to give me the "I'm a single mom" sob story. I have the perfect response. I say enthusiastically "I am, too!" and you can see the wind go right out of their sails. Yeah, I'm not going to cut them a deal out of pity.
Tough To Swallow
I once picked up my prescription for an anti-emetic and the pharmacist gave me suppositories. My prescription was for pills. The pharmacist insisted that's what my doctor ordered. I pointed to the label that specified to take one by mouth every four hours as needed. She still insisted she was correct and my doctor intended for me to swallow a suppository every four hours.
Any Port In A Storm
man in brown jacket beside carPhoto by Maarten van den Heuvel on UnsplashCustomer: "The package carrier says they delayed my package due to a hurricane! I paid for overnight shipping! Your company is trash." Me: “Sir, we didn't delay your package. The carrier is a different company. And there is a literal hurricane over the distribution center.”
A Pain In The Rear
As a pharmacist, I had to explain to a man that you need to take the suppositories out of their foil packaging before you use them. He complained that they didn't work and were uncomfortable. I bet they were.
“What the…?”
I worked at the airport and someone wanted to go through TSA with a two-liter bottle of Coca-Cola. I calmly explained that liquids weren’t allowed through security. The man gave the most genuine chuckle I’ve ever heard, and revealed the bizarre truth. He said, “This isn’t Coca-Cola! It’s gasoline!” My coworker beat me to a reaction when he very loudly exclaimed, “What the HECK?”
Life Is A Box Of Chocolates
This conversation ended with a customer throwing a large bag of Lay’s Sour Cream and Onion potato chips at my head. It was a woman who came into the store looking to buy a box of chocolates. But there was one huge problem. She didn’t have any money. So this customer proposed that she take the chocolates now and come back later to pay when she had money.
“Do you expect me to go all the way home and bring back the money?” she asked. I said, “Yes, because other than that it’s called shoplifting and we will call security.” “But I need these,” she pleaded. I just said no. That’s when the chips started flying.
How can we make money by barely breaking a sweat?
Inquiring minds want to know.
If it's not about a career but just cashing a check, let's make it easy.
Nobody wants to work hard labor for nothing.
If it's for almost nothing, then I should be able to nap while I'm there.
Actually, there's a job that pay pretty well that let's you do exactly that!
Redditor Ubarberet wanted to hear about the jobs where we can collect a check for basically not working, so they asked:
"What job pays you to do literally nothing?"
I will be getting a pen and paper and writing down all of these suggestions.
More money, less work?
I'm in.
Night. Night.
Donald Duck Sleeping GIFGiphy"Professional sleeper. You’re hired by mattress and blanket companies to test their latest products before they go commercial."
FakeEnglishmen47
Third Shift
"3rd shift security guard. Easiest s**t ever. Just don't get caught sleeping."
StraightsJacket
"What you're saying is if you want to rob a place, make sure it's during 3rd shift."
lovetyrannicalreddit
"The pros already know this. But scout your location cuz the grave guys aren’t the ones you want catching you."
"Think of it this way; dayshift security is like the crew of a cruise ship (more customer service oriented), graveshift are your old school privateers (pirates). Some have an eye patch, a limp, a penchant for violence, and you don’t want them catching you alone on the open water."
luda60
Not a bad gig...
"Knew a guy who worked at a general electronics place. He was a typical retail dude but got promoted to be a 'repairman' in the back. He got no extra training and was just told to do what he could and if he couldn't fix it then refer them elsewhere. He didn't know sh*t about repairs. He would be on his phone most of the day and when someone brought him a broken phone he'd try to turn it on, if it didn't work he handed it back. He spent most of his time on his phone in the back. Not a bad gig.
Nollypasda
Just There
"I was the white guy for a company in South East Asia. I had no job responsibilities. Just turn up and sit at my desk and Reddit all day. Occasionally I’d put a suit on and go to the owner’s fancy meetings in restaurants, and not say a thing. Or turn up at some building project. I mostly took Xanax and slept on my desk or snuck over to the bar next door."
RonaldTheGiraffe
Bored
Bored Season 5 GIF by The OfficeGiphy"My last job. technically I got to send faxes and open the mail, but that was an hour of work tops. It was mostly watching YouTube and being bored out of my mind."
disregardable
People still send faxes?
I haven't seen a fax machine since the aughts.
Abysmal
GIF by Young ThugGiphy"Firefighter at a rural, but paid, department. Most of my day is napping or binge-watching stuff on my laptop. The pay is abysmal though."
dietcoketm
Who?
"Security guard for a nonfamous rich person's house."
glencoaMan
"Had an unofficial gig doing house sitting for a rich friend of a relative. Was paid decent money to live on the property, and walk around the land a couple of times a day. Dead quiet at night and a pretty big space with no one else, so I can't really say it was relaxing."
reverze1901
Light Delivery
"A friend of mine is a 'concierge' in an up-market, small-build apartment block in a leafy suburb. He said the most he usually has to do is take in people's mail/parcel delivery or help older residents if they need to move furniture, etc. (and he said that in itself is quite rare). He mainly sits in a cushy office and listens to music/watches movies."
Nefilim777
5 to 30 minutes of pretending...
"Professional white man. In China, I had a side gig to be a white guy at various places. I would just pretend to be working for a company when tours and investors came through. I guess a Chinese company looks more successful if there is a white person. Then there was the sitting on the stage looking important during inevitable presentations."
"No actual work, just 5 to 30 minutes of pretending during a workday. Other than that you do what you want. Just be well-groomed and well-dressed. Sometimes I was told to be on the phone pretending to be making an important deal. Got business cards and everything."
mrhoof
Get that bag, Nana...
"The last time I was at Walmart, there were old people sitting in chairs by the gardening exit, presumably to check receipts or stop shoplifters. But company policy is not to try to stop shoplifters, it is dangerous. So they were all just sitting in their chairs and playing on their phones. I was like, 'Get that bag, Nana. You... deserve to play Candy Crush on the billionaire dime!'"
Comments_Wyoming
Spooky Spooks
Gonna Die Black Metal GIF by KiszkiloszkiGiphy"Graveyard security. 90% of the job is downtime, 9% is 'Move along, sir' and 1% 'HOLY F**KING S**T!!!'"
WhichWhereas1879
I don't care how boring, quiet or easy it is... I am not working ANY Graveyard shifts in a damn graveyard.
No thank you.
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