What's the worst thing you've ever gotten away with doing? What would happen if you confessed it? Are you sorry?
ProfMajkowski asked guilty Redditors: What is the most f*cked up thing you've ever done that no one knows about?
Submissions have been edited for clarity, context, and profanity.
A poop ninja.
I pooped in the school's toilet. There was no paper. so I wobbled to the sink to clean up. Nobody came in. I was a lucky guy.
haven't told this secret to anybody and now over 3k people upvoted it
You're the biggest risk taker I have ever heard of.
Nothing else to do but flee.
Flooded a bathroom with a mega-turd.
There was a bathroom in every floor in the engineering building. The bottom two floors were always full and/or out of toilet paper.
I really had to go, so I went to the 4th floor since it was almost always empty. Proceeded to annihilate the toilet, finished wiping, went to flush, kicked the handle like always and didn't realize it got jammed, the poop didn't go away, the flush handle was stuck, water started overflowing, I ran out.
The worst part? There was a guy in the stall next to me... I never wore those shoes to school again, no way to ID me.
Imagine the look on the guy's face when the flood of stinky water came sloshing up to his shoes and then hearing the sound of footsteps rush go out of the room and never return lol.
I'm 32 and this is hilarious.
Probably when me and my friend Ron, in middle school, taught his toddler brother swear words. Then, we'd tell him to go tell mom what he learned. (Not the smartest thing on our part.) We'd be in the loft listening and we'd hear, "hey mom, F*CK!"
To middle school boys, this was the funniest thing we'd ever heard.
I turn 25 soon and I still think it's pretty funny.
I have turned 50 and I think it's pretty funny.
41, can confirm. It's still funny.
Hilarious but evil.
I would steal my brothers Pokemon cards and glue them together to get a 'double pokemon.'
That's actually hilarious.
Probably a good thing they didn't.
Was in Cub Scouts, who did fundraisers for scout activities. We'd hang out at the entrance of a supermarket with a posterboard about the vent and a jar, and people would put change and bills in it. We also counted the money and turned it into the troop. We noticed it was like $300+ dollars from a full day of chilling in the shade and hyping up the soap box derby or whatever. Well one summer my friend and I decided to put on our uniforms and hang out to fundraise for a camping trip that didn't exist. We hung out for about four or five hours before we lost our nerve and split. Got about $200. Some old lady also wrote us a check for $50 but it was made out to the scouts and neither of us had the balls to try to cash it.
Top 10 youngest capitalists.
I was writing names for my son's Valentine's day card exchange envelopes. I got him some that had a riddle on it. His attention span is too short to address some 15+ cards so I let him point to which ones go to which kid. We get to this one kids name and my son starts telling me how the kid calls him stupid. I choose the whole "People will say all kinds of things to you your whole life. It's up to you to decide who to listen to," lecture and then finish up with the cards.
This is embarrassing and petty. Nobody probably noticed it but I ripped the kids card so he wouldn't be able to read the answer to the riddle.
Are they related to Individual-1?
I'm listed as test engineer #1 on a nuclear incident report.
I work at a chemical plant and this made my blood pressure rise.
What does this mean?
Technically I'm the one who figured it all out. Perfect storm kind of landed in my lap. At the same time I was the one on duty.
Well that was a miscalculation.
Skipped school because of a solar eclipse. I was so afraid that I would accidentally look into the sun and go blind that I pretended to have nausea and told my mum I shouldn't go to school. She believed it so I could stay at home during the eclipse. Next day my classmates told me that the teacher brought them special glasses so they could watch the eclipse together instead of studying.
Wow. That got dark.
And then light again as the moon moved out of position.
You all shall perish.
When I was young I had a mountain dew cap with a $10 reward and I kept it for keeps sake. When I found out someone had stolen it from my bag I got into everyone's bag during lunch and bent everyone's holographic pokemon cards.
Instead of letting one guilty man go free you put many innocent men to death
Kill them all. Let God sort them out
I guess that's rock bottom.
I was in a bathroom in Tokyo. I spent way too much that night on alcohol and was very drunk and was worried I couldn't afford to make it to my next pay day.
I saw a wallet next to the toilet when I was peeing and took about $200 out of it.
I woke up the next morning with the highest amount of guilt I've ever felt in my life. This and a few other events made me realize I had to stop drinking because I just turned into a horrible person when I did.
I thought you were going to say you were so drunk you stole it from your own wallet.