Redditor u/Notabadhusband12 has a marital issue that could use a little discussing. None of us are perfect but we may need to be more in tune with our partners, or maybe we already are and everyone else should hush up. He asked... Pregnant Wife [29 F] wants me [28 M] to stop smoking weed.
First off, this isn't how it sounds, so I'll try to add some context. I've been with my wife since I was 21. We've been married for 3 years. She's going on her third trimester. I have been incredibly involved with during her pregnancy, done more than my fair share, and sacrificed a lot during an already stressful time (Finalizing the sale of a software to a tech powerhouse), and weed is one of the only ways I can relax. I'll explain.
I handle all of the meals. We usually split everything 50/50, but she's pregnant with twins and asked me to take over the house work. I did so without a problem. I cook almost everyday because she hates leftovers. I'm up at 3:30 to workout. I then cook her breakfast and prep dinner before getting ready to leave the house by 7. I come home and cook, clean up, do any of the house work she asks and sometimes get an early jump or work or the next day's meals.
I've never missed a doctor appointment. I do all the late night craving runs She has asked me to fry pickles, multiple times at 1 am. I've done it. I'm not some stoner who doesn't care about his wife. I've driven hours away to get her what she's wanted, constantly made sure she's comfortable when I'm home and been there for her to lean on. I'm not some father to be who doesn't care.
She's asked me to spend all my free time doing pre-baby stuff. She wanted a nursery built and I built it. I baby proofed our backyard. There's a swing set and a treehouse outside even though my kids won't be able to use it for three years. I've prepped and done everything she's asked me to do, and all I want to do at the end of a stressful day is smoke and get 15 minutes to myself. It's like I'm up 3 hours before the sun. I work my ass off and this sale is about to set us up for life. It's not like I'm not trying here.
She asked me to stop smoking and I don't want to. I don't have any other outlet. My workouts have gone to crap because I have to get in a home workout. I went out once and she berated me for leaving her alone when I was home by 11. She doesn't want to go out because she cares about her appearance and has admitted to feeling gross because of how big she is. As a result, she doesn't want me going out either. She asked me not to drink since she couldn't and I obliged. We haven't had sex since right after she found out she was pregnant. It's like what am I supposed to do? Am I bad person because I want to come home at the end of the day and smoke a joint outside sometimes?
We're in a legal state and her only rationale is that she can't smoke, so I shouldn't either. She tells me it's unfair for her to have to watch me go smoke knowing she can't. I offered to switch to vaping so she wouldn't smell it and she said it wasn't good enough. I said what about edibles and she was still angry. I'm over it. I don't drink. I don't go out. I don't have sex. I can't do anything Sometimes I need something for me.
I'm fed up. It's like I'm not getting appreciated for anything and she's taking away everything I enjoy despite me busting my butt for her. I understand she's going through the ringer and that most of this is hormones because she didn't act like this before she was pregnant, but holy crap. It's like I can't get one thing to keep to myself.
This isn't so much a weed problem as a severe communication problem. You need to have a frank discussion with her about the work load and its toll on you and your lack of relaxation outlets. Get to the bottom of this. Because the tone of your post tells me that resentment is a-brewing.
Let her take a minute...
Stop being a martyr.
Your wife is stressed and pregnant. Her list of wants and needs is endless and you are putting all this pressure on yourself to fulfill every single one. Just stop.
She may not be as physically able to contribute as she once was, but I am sure she can prepare herself modest meals, like cereal and toast. You can make the bigger meals, like dinner. Not every craving of hers must be indulged, not every whim must be satisfied. Occasionally? Sure. We all do that for the people we love. Constantly? Come on.
You are burning yourself out and fixating on the weed because it's the one stress reliever you have left, but the weed doesn't matter. Work on your stress levels by reducing your workload. For example, why did you have a swing set installed for infants? That's something you could've tackled in a year or two.
When your wife asks you for something, have her rank it on a priority scale of 1 to 10, 1 being not urgent and 10 being maximum urgent. Like, driving her to the hospital in labor is 10. 1 would be pick up crackers from the grocery store. Please push back if you think she's abusing the scale, ranking everything a 10. Please say "no" when you think something is unnecessary or ridiculous. You'll find that frying pickles sometimes will become more enjoyable when you're not running yourself ragged putting up a swingset for infants.
1st kid trauma...
Before we jump to too many conclusions it sounds like this is both of theirs first child and she could be (very understandably) anxious about it.
People do strange things with they're scared. They do strange things when they're anxious. They do strange things when they're stressed. They do strange things when they're pregnant.
And unfortunately, OP's wife may be all four. It sounds like she needs an outlet. Someone, besides her husband, who she can talk to, even better if that person has child rearing experience.
My guess is that with two small humans in her that have to come out of her at some point and then to be cared for, she is freaking the hell out.
Her anxiety is through the roof, and it's time to see a professional instead of all this endless baby prep.
Rest up, take naps...
This is the heart of what needs to change.
Being pregnant, at least for some of us, is like, the worst thing ever. I was miserable pregnant. I can't even begin to tell you how bad it was. And my last baby? So big that he was pushing my bones apart in unnatural ways. Every step was agony, and I can handle some pain.
My husband did a lot for me, of course. I consider myself having gotten the royal treatment. But if he wanted to play a little gta, and I wanted ice cream, sometimes he'd do what I wanted sometimes he'd do what he wanted. Sometimes we compromised. I couldn't enslave him that'd be messed up. That's not a partnership.
When he was fresh out of the hospital with a debilitating and disabling accident I had to do a lot for him. But I also sometimes screwed off to relax. He understood. It's a lot of pressure to take care of someone, so you have to take care of yourself too.
My only issue with op about the weed would be if it's not legal. But since it is where they are (hella jealous tbh), then a mild partaking on some downtime isn't the worst.
Op, you gotta set some reasonable boundaries. Helping, and being on call while she's pregnant with twins, that's a priority to be sure. But it doesn't negate your needs as a human being. Everyone needs down time. Everyone needs rest.
Oh the cravings...
Yes, this so much. I grew up in a house where there were several generations of disordered eating. My mom overate, and my grandmother (who did not live with us but I saw often) was probably an anorexic. She would go an entire day without eating, and forbid her kids from doing so too. Just an example: My mom was pregnant with me, and there was one sandwich in the entire house. My mom was staying with my grandmother while my dad was off for work for a few weeks. My grandmother would not let me mom touch that damned sandwich for hours, and had her moving furniture with her all day. My mom had the money to get food, but no way to go get it (car was gone). The results? My mom ended up with a serious eating disorder of her own. She now has diabetes.
Growing up, I would always hear "I'm craving this," smacks lips "I'm craving something smack smack smacksweet." It's to the point now where I don't even say the word "craving." I can't. I never say I crave something, only that I want it. I started talking with a friend who had a similar background, and he said the same thing. Just the mention of hearing "craving" sets him off.
Why am I bringing this up? It's not a random anecdote, I assure you. Cravings are real, and it's good to help your pregnant wife with them. You cannot keep waking up at 1 in the morning to fry her pickles though. No matter how pregnant someone is, how diabetic, how hungry, or whatever, you can't do this sort of thing. I get that there are "cravings," but you can't do this, go to work, and do everything else.
Make sure to pick up some stuff she regularly craves, and never ever touch it for yourself. Make sure to put some stuff into meals she likes. You have to sleep though, and I think that, unfortunately, you will find a lot of people out there with stories of people making others do ridiculous things for their cravings. Pregnant or not, she cannot wake you up at all hours for this stuff. This is how you run off the road, or get hurt at work because you're so tired.
Don't suffer fools...
I think it's the right word in the colloquial sense. To suffer greatly, to make yourself a victim, to sacrifice, usually out of some larger principle. He's feeling very badly for himself and putting himself through a lot of pain because he thinks it's right. Hence, martyr.
3 A.M. it is...
You can absolutely work out at 3am less than every day to get more sleep & you can absolutely ask her to order Uber eats at midnight instead of you cooking because you're exhausted.
What you can't do is be incapacitated to drive at the end of her pregnancy where she's tiny with twins.
He's planned ahead...
Really? I read the post as, he's putting himself through a lot of pain because she basically demanded it.
A lot of comments are about how cooking every day is unnecessary... like yea, but it's not him doing it out of nowhere. His post pretty clearly states that it's not HIS idea to build a swingset, 3 years in advance or to cook fresh food literally every single day.
Functionally, there isn't a whole lot of difference between having poor boundaries and being a martyr. In fact, I imagine most martyrs have poor boundaries.
It's a 50/50...
How is your wife's pregnancy? Is she on bedrest, does she have inflammation etc where she can't walk or stand for more than 5 mins at a time? Does she have a job? i.e, what does she spend all day doing if you are the one doing all the cooking and cleaning and baby prep?
Like others, I think the workload is split unfairly here. I understand why you are frustrated. However, I don't think you should make it about weed. I think you need to have a serious discussion about division of labor and needing time for yourself to unwind. I think you are so angry about the weed issue because you are at your breaking point with everything else... as in, if you didn't already feel overwhelmed and taken for granted, the weed request might not bother you so much.
It makes sense that right now, you do more than 50/50, because she's pregnant and thats a huge physical toll. But it still shouldn't be 100/0 unless she is on bedrest.