Maybe it was a statement of compassion, or maybe it was vengeance, but either way: it hurts.
mymarriageisruined told his story:
I [32M] got an e-mail from some woman about an affair my wife [31F] is having.
My wife and I have been together for 7 years, married for 2. Everything in our relationship is great. We rarely fight or have any arguments.
This morning I checked my e-mail (as I do every morning) and saw an e-mail from someone I didn't know. I open it up and the e-mail basically stated that my wife was having an affair. The woman went into pretty good detail, showing the texts and e-mails between her and the other man. I didn't believe it until I logged into my Facebook and saw the message from that same woman which said "Hey. I'm sorry but I have some bad news for you. Please check your e-mail." As it turns out, this woman who e-mailed me was the wife of the guy my wife is cheating on me with.
I can't believe this. This came out of left field. Our relationship was never in a rough spot, I have no clue what led to this. I'm really not sure what to do at this moment.
tl;dr: Got an e-mail from a woman which shows my wife is cheating on me.
Here is what the internet said.
One
Giphy
I didn't find the advice I was looking for in here so I'll add my own.
You received some information. You need to cross check it now. Hopefully the record has date and time stamps. If they were text messages, check her phone. If it looks like messages were deleted, check the text records through the carrier to match up messages to that particular number. Look for some evidence to back up the information you received. Do this before confronting her. You don't want to go to her with just a he said she said in your pocket. You also don't want to accuse her of this if it's just some kook f---ing with you. Put some effort in yourself here.
With regard to the lawyer... in most states and unless you're particularly wealthy, it probably won't do a ton for you. Infidelity isn't generally a factor in most divorces. Google around to see whether it is or not for your state. Do get an STD test done though.
If you find corroborating evidence, when you approach her about it I'd recommend just asking questions.
"Hey, we need to talk. Is there anything important that you need to tell me? No? Is there some one else in your life right now?"
Etc. Idealy she does most of the talking. Rather than telling her the extent of what you know, getting her to confess will tell you whether she's hiding some facts still and might net you more information than you currently have. Better information means better decisions with less regrets based on unknowns.
Good luck.
Two
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Screenshot and save everything, make sure the things/accounts you care about are secured away, and lawyer up after talking to your wife. Prepare for the worst but understand that (as unlikely as it may be) without talking to her there may be an explanation you've missed.
Get as much information as you can. But it sounds like it should be over.
Three
Confront the wife. Get the truth.
Ask yourself if this is something you want to forgive and try to work through to save your marriage, or if you would prefer to get divorced.
Many people will just say, "lol, divorce the b*tch, delete facebook, lawyer up, hit the gym," but only you can decide what's right for you. I know of at least 2 married couples in their 60's where one of them had an affair in their younger days, and they decided to work through it, going on to be happy and loving for decades.
You must decide what you want.
From your side of the story, you didn't ask for this, you didn't mistreat her, and you don't deserve this. Sorry to hear it, but keep your chin up.
Four
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The woman went into pretty good detail, showing the texts and e-mails between her and the other man.
That's a pretty big smoking gun. You need to confront your wife about this, you should ask to see her phone, and if she refuses, then you'll have your answer.
Caught my wife cheating too. It was the worst pain I've ever experienced. I know what you're going through. Ima give you some practical advice and some emotional advice.
Practical:
- Immediately change all the passwords on all the accounts and move your money from a joint account to a personal one. Having some cash squirreled away is going to make things go a lot smoother.
- Get a lawyer. I ain't even playing. Do it yesterday.
- If you're sharing a lease you're going to have to get out of it - talk to your landlord and see what your options are.
- Establish a support structure. Find out which friends you can lean on right now. Enlist their help. That's what friends are for - to help each other.
- Control your anger. Losing your temper will only hurt your case. Stay fucking frosty.
Emotional advice:
- I'm not going to sugarcoat it. You're going to be a fucking mess for a while. Just focus on what needs doing and try not to dwell on the pain. In the words of Freddie Mercury "The show must go on."
- Stay off the booze. Booze makes you sloppy and likely to do something stupid that will give her an edge in the divorce. If you do get hammered do it with people who will keep you in line.
- Hit the gym. Seriously. Your life is going to seem unanchored for a long damned time. Physical activity will wear your body out, help relieve stress, and keep your emotions from overwhelming you.
- Keep the social media chatter to a minimum. The more often you open your mouth, the more likely hurtful words will come out. Don't give her screenshots of you losing your shit.
- Communicate with her politely and professionally and only through a medium that's easy to record - aka text and email. You avoid all that 'he said, she said' shit.
- Give yourself plenty of time before getting into another relationship.
- It's gonna take time to heal. You're going to be sad, lonely, angry, jittery, paranoid, restless, and about a thousand other emotions all at once.
- Finally, remember to take it one day at a time. Trust me, things will get better.
Five
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I have a question for you: is this a reason for you to divorce? If so, then you should not confront your wife, you should go straight to a lawyer, and move some money out of the joint account.
But if not - then you should confront her, ideally in a therapeutic context, if possible.
Either way, good luck.
Six
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Ask her not to tell her husband she told you.
Lawyer up
Verify the affair
Move your money out of joint accounts (after consulting your lawyer)
Confront her
Serve her papers
Seven
Giphy
You've got 2 options:
- Confront her and hope that you can get to the bottom of it
- Keep playing house and snoop (keylogger on computers, SMS/MMS/GPS tracking software on cellphone, etc)
Texts and emails can be faked easily with online tools, but it seems that this woman has gone through a lot of trouble get details so I wouldn't easily dismiss it. Right now you're going on the word of an anonymous 3rd party, so you will need something more tangible if your wife tries to lie/gaslight you.
My experience: Wasn't married, but my ex of almost 9 years was cheating on me with many partners behind my back. She was manipulative and a good liar, and her friends would corroborate her stories. Finally got fed up with the lies and snooped, found out she had cheated on me with over 35 people. Would have never found out if I would have trusted her and didn't look.
Eight
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Our relationship was never in a rough spot
Sometimes it could be a difference in perspectives. Maybe you thought things were good. Maybe this wasn't the case from her point of view. Maybe things were actually good, but sometimes that doesn't really have any bearing on whether a person decides to cheat or not.
I'm sorry that this happened. I hope you have friends/family to lean on during the storm that's approaching. For what it's worth, the storm will pass. Hang in there.
Nine
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You said this will result in a divorce (if true), then get ready for that. So many people dwell on the revenge factor, I'm surprised. I just don't understand what doing that does for anyone. The longer you dwell, the worse it is for you.
Get your legal facts in order, get your assets accounted for and then you have all the information you need to start moving on.
In Canada, the infidelity doesn't matter in the legal proceedings, and I have know idea about other places.
Get active, have a good support base, and don't look for revenge, just look to move on.
Ten
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- Get out ahead of this. If you let others' actions control the situation you will regret it.
- For some people this is not a relationship ender for others it is. Once you decide on which side you fall the actions forward will be clear.
- Either way make sure all resources are in place before you take action.
- If you are not comfortable speaking with family or friends keep them out of the loop. You can bring them up to speed later.
- When taking action keep it calm and cool and factual. You don't want to give her latitude for claiming any sort of abuse or aggressiveness. Use a public place that has many exits. Say what you have to say. Say what your next steps are. Then exit. There is absolutely no point in having a conversation at this point. She will want to talk but what she has to say at this point is not important.
Everything else will follow. Some stuff will go as planned other stuff you will have to improvise.
It is a crappy situation but taking action will put you on top of it instead of underneath it.
Eleven
Get all the evidence you can. It seems you have it but there is probably more. Put it in a safe location. Do not confront until you have enough evidence. You can watch and look for awhile now that you are suspicious.
Sorry man.
Twelve
- Get out ahead of this. If you let others' actions control the situation you will regret it.
- For some people this is not a relationship ender for others it is. Once you decide on which side you fall the actions forward will be clear.
- Either way make sure all resources are in place before you take action.
- If you are not comfortable speaking with family or friends keep them out of the loop. You can bring them up to speed later.
- When taking action keep it calm and cool and factual. You don't want to give her latitude for claiming any sort of abuse or aggressiveness. Use a public place that has many exits. Say what you have to say. Say what your next steps are. Then exit. There is absolutely no point in having a conversation at this point. She will want to talk but what she has to say at this point is not important.
Everything else will follow. Some stuff will go as planned other stuff you will have to improvise.
It is a crappy situation but taking action will put you on top of it instead of underneath it.
Thirteen
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You need to continue to act as if nothing had happened. Make sure to smile, hold her hand, and so forth. Do not have sex with her. On top of everything else, you also need to get yourself tested. If the other woman decided to work on her marriage, she will absolutely make him cut your wife out of his life. With the affair ended, your wife will probably want to bury this without ever telling you. She might even want to double down on the love with you. Make sure you resist sleeping with her, at all costs. Find any excuse you can. Buy time until you have everything in order. If the affair ends, I guess that hiring a PI would be a waste of money. But you do need to find a lawyer to get your finances in order and to protect yourself.
Fourteen
its better if your wife does not know, so you can prepare legally, it can be a huge difference if lawyers get involved.
Fifteen
Seen this before. #notme but it turned out, the said woman was really having an affair with married man. Sad story. But the wife got what she wanted I guess.... She blasted the fb message to several circles..
Sixteen
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Personally, I think the ship might have already sailed on the PI bit. If the other man's wife is telling you about this, she might have already started the ball rolling on her end, which might mean the affair is already over (if he wants to save his marriage). She might also have informed him that she told you, and so your wife might know or might soon know that you know. The longer you put off confronting her, the more time she has to prepare, if she plans on gaslighting. Or, on the flip side, if this is just a smear attempt, the longer you put if off, the more time you will think she'll have had to prepare.