Maybe it was a statement of compassion, or maybe it was vengeance, but either way: it hurts.
mymarriageisruined told his story:
I [32M] got an e-mail from some woman about an affair my wife [31F] is having.
My wife and I have been together for 7 years, married for 2. Everything in our relationship is great. We rarely fight or have any arguments.
This morning I checked my e-mail (as I do every morning) and saw an e-mail from someone I didn't know. I open it up and the e-mail basically stated that my wife was having an affair. The woman went into pretty good detail, showing the texts and e-mails between her and the other man. I didn't believe it until I logged into my Facebook and saw the message from that same woman which said "Hey. I'm sorry but I have some bad news for you. Please check your e-mail." As it turns out, this woman who e-mailed me was the wife of the guy my wife is cheating on me with.
I can't believe this. This came out of left field. Our relationship was never in a rough spot, I have no clue what led to this. I'm really not sure what to do at this moment.
tl;dr: Got an e-mail from a woman which shows my wife is cheating on me.
Here is what the internet said.
One
GiphyI didn't find the advice I was looking for in here so I'll add my own.
You received some information. You need to cross check it now. Hopefully the record has date and time stamps. If they were text messages, check her phone. If it looks like messages were deleted, check the text records through the carrier to match up messages to that particular number. Look for some evidence to back up the information you received. Do this before confronting her. You don't want to go to her with just a he said she said in your pocket. You also don't want to accuse her of this if it's just some kook f---ing with you. Put some effort in yourself here.
With regard to the lawyer... in most states and unless you're particularly wealthy, it probably won't do a ton for you. Infidelity isn't generally a factor in most divorces. Google around to see whether it is or not for your state. Do get an STD test done though.
If you find corroborating evidence, when you approach her about it I'd recommend just asking questions.
"Hey, we need to talk. Is there anything important that you need to tell me? No? Is there some one else in your life right now?"
Etc. Idealy she does most of the talking. Rather than telling her the extent of what you know, getting her to confess will tell you whether she's hiding some facts still and might net you more information than you currently have. Better information means better decisions with less regrets based on unknowns.
Good luck.
Two
GiphyScreenshot and save everything, make sure the things/accounts you care about are secured away, and lawyer up after talking to your wife. Prepare for the worst but understand that (as unlikely as it may be) without talking to her there may be an explanation you've missed.
Get as much information as you can. But it sounds like it should be over.
Three
Confront the wife. Get the truth.
Ask yourself if this is something you want to forgive and try to work through to save your marriage, or if you would prefer to get divorced.
Many people will just say, "lol, divorce the b*tch, delete facebook, lawyer up, hit the gym," but only you can decide what's right for you. I know of at least 2 married couples in their 60's where one of them had an affair in their younger days, and they decided to work through it, going on to be happy and loving for decades.
You must decide what you want.
From your side of the story, you didn't ask for this, you didn't mistreat her, and you don't deserve this. Sorry to hear it, but keep your chin up.
Four
GiphyThe woman went into pretty good detail, showing the texts and e-mails between her and the other man.
That's a pretty big smoking gun. You need to confront your wife about this, you should ask to see her phone, and if she refuses, then you'll have your answer.
Caught my wife cheating too. It was the worst pain I've ever experienced. I know what you're going through. Ima give you some practical advice and some emotional advice.
Practical:
- Immediately change all the passwords on all the accounts and move your money from a joint account to a personal one. Having some cash squirreled away is going to make things go a lot smoother.
- Get a lawyer. I ain't even playing. Do it yesterday.
- If you're sharing a lease you're going to have to get out of it - talk to your landlord and see what your options are.
- Establish a support structure. Find out which friends you can lean on right now. Enlist their help. That's what friends are for - to help each other.
- Control your anger. Losing your temper will only hurt your case. Stay fucking frosty.
Emotional advice:
- I'm not going to sugarcoat it. You're going to be a fucking mess for a while. Just focus on what needs doing and try not to dwell on the pain. In the words of Freddie Mercury "The show must go on."
- Stay off the booze. Booze makes you sloppy and likely to do something stupid that will give her an edge in the divorce. If you do get hammered do it with people who will keep you in line.
- Hit the gym. Seriously. Your life is going to seem unanchored for a long damned time. Physical activity will wear your body out, help relieve stress, and keep your emotions from overwhelming you.
- Keep the social media chatter to a minimum. The more often you open your mouth, the more likely hurtful words will come out. Don't give her screenshots of you losing your shit.
- Communicate with her politely and professionally and only through a medium that's easy to record - aka text and email. You avoid all that 'he said, she said' shit.
- Give yourself plenty of time before getting into another relationship.
- It's gonna take time to heal. You're going to be sad, lonely, angry, jittery, paranoid, restless, and about a thousand other emotions all at once.
- Finally, remember to take it one day at a time. Trust me, things will get better.
Five
GiphyI have a question for you: is this a reason for you to divorce? If so, then you should not confront your wife, you should go straight to a lawyer, and move some money out of the joint account.
But if not - then you should confront her, ideally in a therapeutic context, if possible.
Either way, good luck.
Six
GiphyAsk her not to tell her husband she told you.
Lawyer up
Verify the affair
Move your money out of joint accounts (after consulting your lawyer)
Confront her
Serve her papers
Seven
GiphyYou've got 2 options:
- Confront her and hope that you can get to the bottom of it
- Keep playing house and snoop (keylogger on computers, SMS/MMS/GPS tracking software on cellphone, etc)
Texts and emails can be faked easily with online tools, but it seems that this woman has gone through a lot of trouble get details so I wouldn't easily dismiss it. Right now you're going on the word of an anonymous 3rd party, so you will need something more tangible if your wife tries to lie/gaslight you.
My experience: Wasn't married, but my ex of almost 9 years was cheating on me with many partners behind my back. She was manipulative and a good liar, and her friends would corroborate her stories. Finally got fed up with the lies and snooped, found out she had cheated on me with over 35 people. Would have never found out if I would have trusted her and didn't look.
Eight
GiphyOur relationship was never in a rough spot
Sometimes it could be a difference in perspectives. Maybe you thought things were good. Maybe this wasn't the case from her point of view. Maybe things were actually good, but sometimes that doesn't really have any bearing on whether a person decides to cheat or not.
I'm sorry that this happened. I hope you have friends/family to lean on during the storm that's approaching. For what it's worth, the storm will pass. Hang in there.
Nine
GiphyYou said this will result in a divorce (if true), then get ready for that. So many people dwell on the revenge factor, I'm surprised. I just don't understand what doing that does for anyone. The longer you dwell, the worse it is for you.
Get your legal facts in order, get your assets accounted for and then you have all the information you need to start moving on.
In Canada, the infidelity doesn't matter in the legal proceedings, and I have know idea about other places.
Get active, have a good support base, and don't look for revenge, just look to move on.
Ten
Giphy- Get out ahead of this. If you let others' actions control the situation you will regret it.
- For some people this is not a relationship ender for others it is. Once you decide on which side you fall the actions forward will be clear.
- Either way make sure all resources are in place before you take action.
- If you are not comfortable speaking with family or friends keep them out of the loop. You can bring them up to speed later.
- When taking action keep it calm and cool and factual. You don't want to give her latitude for claiming any sort of abuse or aggressiveness. Use a public place that has many exits. Say what you have to say. Say what your next steps are. Then exit. There is absolutely no point in having a conversation at this point. She will want to talk but what she has to say at this point is not important.
Everything else will follow. Some stuff will go as planned other stuff you will have to improvise.
It is a crappy situation but taking action will put you on top of it instead of underneath it.
Eleven
Get all the evidence you can. It seems you have it but there is probably more. Put it in a safe location. Do not confront until you have enough evidence. You can watch and look for awhile now that you are suspicious.
Sorry man.
Twelve
- Get out ahead of this. If you let others' actions control the situation you will regret it.
- For some people this is not a relationship ender for others it is. Once you decide on which side you fall the actions forward will be clear.
- Either way make sure all resources are in place before you take action.
- If you are not comfortable speaking with family or friends keep them out of the loop. You can bring them up to speed later.
- When taking action keep it calm and cool and factual. You don't want to give her latitude for claiming any sort of abuse or aggressiveness. Use a public place that has many exits. Say what you have to say. Say what your next steps are. Then exit. There is absolutely no point in having a conversation at this point. She will want to talk but what she has to say at this point is not important.
Everything else will follow. Some stuff will go as planned other stuff you will have to improvise.
It is a crappy situation but taking action will put you on top of it instead of underneath it.
Thirteen
GiphyYou need to continue to act as if nothing had happened. Make sure to smile, hold her hand, and so forth. Do not have sex with her. On top of everything else, you also need to get yourself tested. If the other woman decided to work on her marriage, she will absolutely make him cut your wife out of his life. With the affair ended, your wife will probably want to bury this without ever telling you. She might even want to double down on the love with you. Make sure you resist sleeping with her, at all costs. Find any excuse you can. Buy time until you have everything in order. If the affair ends, I guess that hiring a PI would be a waste of money. But you do need to find a lawyer to get your finances in order and to protect yourself.
Fourteen
its better if your wife does not know, so you can prepare legally, it can be a huge difference if lawyers get involved.
Fifteen
Seen this before. #notme but it turned out, the said woman was really having an affair with married man. Sad story. But the wife got what she wanted I guess.... She blasted the fb message to several circles..
Sixteen
GiphyPersonally, I think the ship might have already sailed on the PI bit. If the other man's wife is telling you about this, she might have already started the ball rolling on her end, which might mean the affair is already over (if he wants to save his marriage). She might also have informed him that she told you, and so your wife might know or might soon know that you know. The longer you put off confronting her, the more time she has to prepare, if she plans on gaslighting. Or, on the flip side, if this is just a smear attempt, the longer you put if off, the more time you will think she'll have had to prepare.
Experiencing death is a fascinating and frightening idea.
Who doesn't want to know what is waiting for us on the other side?
But so many of us want to know and then come back and live a little longer.
It would be so great to be sure there is something else.
But the whole dying part is not that great, so we'll have to rely on other people's accounts.
Redditor AlaskaStiletto wanted to hear from everyone who has returned to life, so they asked:
"Redditors who have 'died' and come back to life, what did you see?"
Sensations
Happy Good Vibes GIF by Major League SoccerGiphy"My dad's heart stopped when he had a heart attack and he had to be brought back to life. He kept the paper copy of the heart monitor which shows he flatlined. He said he felt an overwhelming sensation of peace, like nothing he had felt before."
PeachesnPain
Recovery
"I had surgical complications in 2010 that caused a great deal of blood loss. As a result, I had extremely low blood pressure and could barely stay awake. I remember feeling like I was surrounded by loved ones who had passed. They were in a circle around me and I knew they were there to guide me onwards. I told them I was not ready to go because my kids needed me and I came back."
"My nurse later said she was afraid she’d find me dead every time she came into the room."
"It took months, and blood transfusions, but I recovered."
good_golly99
Take Me Back
"Overwhelming peace and happiness. A bright airy and floating feeling. I live a very stressful life. Imagine finding out the person you have had a crush on reveals they have the same feelings for you and then you win the lotto later that day - that was the feeling I had."
"I never feared death afterward and am relieved when I hear of people dying after suffering from an illness."
rayrayrayray
Free
The Light Minnie GIF by (G)I-DLEGiphy"I had a heart surgery with near-death experience, for me at least (well the possibility that those effects are caused by morphine is also there) I just saw black and nothing else but it was warm and I had such inner peace, its weird as I sometimes still think about it and wish this feeling of being so light and free again."
TooReDTooHigh
This is why I hate surgery.
You just never know.
Shocked
Giphy"More of a near-death experience. I was electrocuted. I felt like I was in a deep hole looking straight up in the sky. My life flashed before me. Felt sad for my family, but I had a deep sense of peace."
Admirable_Buyer6528
The SOB
"Nursing in the ICU, we’ve had people try to die on us many times during the years, some successfully. One guy stood out to me. His heart stopped. We called a code, are working on him, and suddenly he comes to. We hadn’t vented him yet, so he was able to talk, and he started screaming, 'Don’t let them take me, don’t let them take me, they are coming,' he was scared and yelling."
"Then he yelled a little more, as we tried to calm him down, he screamed, 'No, No,' and gestured towards the end of the bed, and died again. We didn’t get him back. It was seriously creepy. We called his son to tell him the news, and the son said basically, 'Good, he was an SOB.'”
1-cupcake-at-a-time
Colors
"My sister died and said it was extremely peaceful. She said it was very loud like a train station and lots of talking and she was stuck in this area that was like a curtain with lots of beautiful colors (colors that you don’t see in real life according to her) a man told her 'He was sorry, but she had to go back as it wasn’t her time.'"
Hannah_LL7
"I had a really similar experience except I was in an endless garden with flowers that were colors I had never seen before. It was quiet and peaceful and a woman in a dress looked at me, shook her head, and just said 'Not yet.' As I was coming back, it was extremely loud, like everyone in the world was trying to talk all at once. It was all very disorienting but it changed my perspective on life!"
huntokarrr
The Fog
"I was in a gray fog with a girl who looked a lot like a young version of my grandmother (who was still alive) but dressed like a pioneer in the 1800s she didn't say anything but kept pulling me towards an opening in the wall. I kept refusing to go because I was so tired."
"I finally got tired of her nagging and went and that's when I came to. I had bled out during a c-section and my heart could not beat without blood. They had to deliver the baby and sew up the bleeders. refill me with blood before they could restart my heart so, like, at least 12 minutes gone."
Fluffy-Hotel-5184
Through the Walls
"My spouse was dead for a couple of minutes one miserable night. She maintains that she saw nothing, but only heard people talking about her like through a wall. The only thing she remembers for absolute certain was begging an ER nurse that she didn't want to die."
"She's quite alive and well today."
Hot-Refrigerator6583
Well let's all be happy to be alive.
It seems to be all we have.
Trying to lose weight is a struggle understood by many people regardless of size.
The goal of reaching a healthy weight may seem unattainable, but with diet and exercise, it can pay off through persistence and discipline.
Seeing the pounds gradually drop off can also be a great motivator and incentivize people to stay the course.
Those who've achieved their respective weight goals shared their experiences when Redditor apprenti8455 asked:
"People who lost a lot of weight, what surprises you the most now?"
Redditors didn't see these coming.
Shiver Me Timbers
"I’m always cold now!"
– Telrom_1
"I had a coworker lose over 130 pounds five or six years ago. I’ve never seen him without a jacket on since."
– r7ndom
"140 lbs lost here starting just before COVID, I feel like that little old lady that's always cold, damn this top comment was on point lmao."
– mr_remy
Drawing Concern
"I lost 100 pounds over a year and a half but since I’m old(70’s) it seems few people comment on it because (I think) they think I’m wasting away from some terminal illness."
– dee-fondy
"Congrats on the weight loss! It’s honestly a real accomplishment 🙂"
"Working in oncology, I can never comment on someone’s weight loss unless I specifically know it was on purpose, regardless of their age. I think it kind of ruffles feathers at times, but like I don’t want to congratulate someone for having cancer or something. It’s a weird place to be in."
– LizardofDeath
Unleashing Insults
"I remember when I lost the first big chunk of weight (around 50 lbs) it was like it gave some people license to talk sh*t about the 'old' me. Old coworkers, friends, made a lot of not just negative, but harsh comments about what I used to look like. One person I met after the big loss saw a picture of me prior and said, 'Wow, we wouldn’t even be friends!'”
"It wasn’t extremely common, but I was a little alarmed by some of the attention. My weight has been up and down since then, but every time I gain a little it gets me a little down thinking about those things people said."
– alanamablamaspama
Not Everything Goes After Losing Weight
"The loose skin is a bit unexpected."
– KeltarCentauri
"I haven’t experienced it myself, but surgery to remove skin takes a long time to recover. Longer than bariatric surgery and usually isn’t covered by insurance unless you have both."
– KatMagic1977
"It definitely does take a long time to recover. My Dad dropped a little over 200 pounds a few years back and decided to go through with skin removal surgery to deal with the excess. His procedure was extensive, as in he had skin taken from just about every part of his body excluding his head, and he went through hell for weeks in recovery, and he was bedridden for a lot of it."
– Jaew96
These Redditors shared their pleasantly surprising experiences.
Shopping
"I can buy clothes in any store I want."
– WaySavvyD
"When I lost weight I was dying to go find cute, smaller clothes and I really struggled. As someone who had always been restricted to one or two stores that catered to plus-sized clothing, a full mall of shops with items in my size was daunting. Too many options and not enough knowledge of brands that were good vs cheap. I usually went home pretty frustrated."
– ganache98012
No More Symptoms
"Lost about 80 pounds in the past year and a half, biggest thing that I’ve noticed that I haven’t seen mentioned on here yet is my acid reflux and heartburn are basically gone. I used to be popping tums every couple hours and now they just sit in the medicine cabinet collecting dust."
– colleennicole93
Expanding Capabilities
"I'm all for not judging people by their appearance and I recognise that there are unhealthy, unachievable beauty standards, but one thing that is undeniable is that I can just do stuff now. Just stamina and flexibility alone are worth it, appearance is tertiary at best."
– Ramblonius
People Change Their Tune
"How much nicer people are to you."
"My feet weren't 'wide' they were 'fat.'"
– LiZZygsu
"Have to agree. Lost 220 lbs, people make eye contact and hold open doors and stuff"
"And on the foot thing, I also lost a full shoe size numerically and also wear regular width now 😅"
– awholedamngarden
It's gonna take some getting used to.
Bones Everywhere
"Having bones. Collarbones, wrist bones, knee bones, hip bones, ribs. I have so many bones sticking out everywhere and it’s weird as hell."
– Princess-Pancake-97
"I noticed the shadow of my ribs the other day and it threw me, there’s a whole skeleton in here."
– bekastrange
Knee Pillow
"Right?! And they’re so … pointy! Now I get why people sleep with pillows between their legs - the knee bones laying on top of each other (side sleeper here) is weird and jarring."
– snic2030
"I lost only 40 pounds within the last year or so. I’m struggling to relate to most of these comments as I feel like I just 'slimmed down' rather than dropped a ton. But wow, the pillow between the knees at night. YES! I can relate to this. I think a lot of my weight was in my thighs. I never needed to do this up until recently."
– Strongbad23
More Mobility
"I’ve lost 100 lbs since 2020. It’s a collection of little things that surprise me. For at least 10 years I couldn’t put on socks, or tie my shoes. I couldn’t bend over and pick something up. I couldn’t climb a ladder to fix something. Simple things like that I can do now that fascinate me."
"Edit: Some additional little things are sitting in a chair with arms, sitting in a booth in a restaurant, being able to shop in a normal store AND not needing to buy the biggest size there, being able to easily wipe my butt, and looking down and being able to see my penis."
– dma1965
People making significant changes, whether for mental or physical health, can surely find a newfound perspective on life.
But they can also discover different issues they never saw coming.
That being said, overcoming any challenge in life is laudable, especially if it leads to gaining confidence and ditching insecurities.