Husband No Longer Wears Wedding Band After Honeymoon Phase, And Wife Seeks Advice On How To Broach The Topic
Redditor u/xcxc6879 has found herself in a marital issue that she needs some help with. She posted... My husband (26m) never wears his wedding ring anymore and it makes me (25f) sad.
My husband and I got married a bit more than a year ago after dating for 10 years. He's truly the love of my life and I'm so thankful that I was able to find the one so soon. On top of that, we're also best friends and everything about our relationship is just so perfect and understanding. We complement each other so well.
However, since about four to five months after our wedding, he started wearing his band less and less. At first it was just on the weekends when he would forget to put it on (he always takes it off to sleep) and then it got to the point where he stopped wearing it all together. I've talked to him about this and asked him why and he told me that it was "uncomfortable" for him and he always fidgets with it. He's also apparently afraid to lose it because he constantly fidgets with it and it's "a bit loose" on him. I do notice that he sometimes likes to play with the ring like twist it and slide it on and off. However, we did get the ring fitted to his finger and I don't think he's lost any weight at all since the wedding so I doubt it's that loose.
He never wears the ring to work either. The only times he'll put it on is if we're going out to an event or visiting family. It's looking to me like he feels like it's an obligation to wear the ring and not something he enjoys or wants to do, if that makes any sense. The only redeeming factor in all of this is that he still wears this necklace made out of amethyst that I made him when I went through a jewlery-making phase when I was 18. He wears it every single day and doesn't even take it off to shower. That makes me all melty and happy inside and I guess sometimes it overshadows him never wearing his ring.
My husband works as a software engineer and I know most, if not all of his co-workers know that we're married so I doubt he's trying to hide the fact that we're married to anyone at work. I am also very sure this is not a fidelity issue. He is one of the most trustworthy and honest people I know and I've basically grown up with him and know him better than anyone.
Everything else is wonderful. We're renting a great place in a great city (but we're looking to buy soon), I'm starting my final year of med school, and he's just received a promotion a couple weeks ago. It's just this one thing that makes me upset and sad.
I'm not really sure how to approach this topic anymore. I've talked to him about this multiple times and it's always just been "it's uncomfortable", "it doesn't fit well", "I'm afraid to lose it/I always fidget with it". Could there be an underlying cause that I'm completely missing? I would really appreciate an outsider's look in on this. Thanks.
Forgot to add that I wear my wedding band and engagement ring every single day and I'm always happy and proud to see it on my finger.That is quite the situation. Now some of us may find no issue with that and others are definitely in the "Hell to the NO camp!" Everyone is entitled to their opinions and people certainly had a few things to say. Turns out this isn't as one sided of an issue as you might automatically think.
How's the fit?
Maybe the ring is truly just uncomfortable for him/loose fitting and he's worried he might lose it. I'd tell him how much it means to you and perhaps suggest buying an alternative silicon ring that is less expensive and more comfortable.
Great advice, thank you! I don't think I've really stressed how important and meaningful to me wearing a ring is to him yet. My parents never loved each other and were miserable, but stayed together for my sake. They never wore their rings except for big events/to see family so I guess it's a bit of a sore spot for me when I see that my husband isn't wearing his.
What if he put the ring on the necklace?
Make it art!
My dad hated wearing his ring so he got one tattooed on his ring finger. Its a subtle little decorative design around his finger, but he has to get it touched up every couple years.
I did this too. My now-wife and I dated for several years before getting married last year. I've never been into hand jewelry and I'm bad about losing little things like that so we decided that I would try wearing a cheap silicon ring. It didn't go great. I lost two of them in the first few months and always found myself fidgeting with it. I got frustrated and decided to get a simple black line tattoo on my ring finger. It's been a great compromise. I get to have a symbol that signifies my dedication to the relationship and I don't have to remember to put it on every day when I wake up.
To give you a different anecdotal perspective, my parents have been happily married for more than 30 years, and my dad has never regularly worn his ring. He's a fidgeter and has lost three of them, and just can't wear jewelry.
My mom only takes her set off when doing dishes and art projects. I asked her about it once and she said she felt insecure about it at first and talked to him about it, and he tried really hard with several rings and just couldn't do it. Eventually she realized it wasn't about the symbolism for him.
But I've noticed they do hold hands in public a lot and other sorts of very mild PDA like touching her arm and feeding her from his fork to taste his food, so I think they've just found other ways to affirm their relationship publicly.
Don't overthink it...
Hey, I don't want this to take away from you feeling that your husband wearing his wedding is important, because that's perfectly valid, but I just wanted to share that my parents have been married 30 years, are perfectly happy, and neither of them ever wear their wedding rings. They just don't feel like it. In fact, they haven't worn them for as long as I can remember.
Know the facts...
Your husband does not wear the ring to these events to keep up appearances like your parents did. He has his own reasons. Maybe he does it because he sees it as jewelry, something fancy he wears to dress up for you. Or maybe he wears it because he thinks you want him to wear it at these events and he's trying to make you happy. Or another reason. Can you ask him? "husband, why do you not wear the ring daily but still wear it to family events?"
I think once you know his motivation behind it, his reasons will overwrite the sad memories of your parents.
You are not your parents...
Do keep this in mind. You cannot allow past history to dictate what you do now and I know that's a hard thing to do. Your husband is not your father and you are not your mother. There is love❤️ Too often that's how fights and arguments and bitterness start between couples they allow a bad past incident to dictate how they decide to act in the present and it's just not healthy. Our premarital counselor hit on this and I thought it was great advice.
Some a small issue... for some...
After reading your post and seeing you say he's a programmer, then reading this part about you thinking about your parents marriage when you see his naked ring finger... I'm thinking this is more your head making you think there's a problem with his love for you, and not an actual problem with his love for you.
I think you should really tell him how much you care about the ring, because it doesn't sound like you have yet - but please do go to therapy for yourself to deal with the actions of your parents and prevent that from becoming a problem in your own marriage.
My husband's a software engineer, too - and I honestly couldn't tell you if I've even seen his wedding ring in the last year. I don't currently know where my engagement ring is, either (which is actually upsetting me right now because it's awesome and I suck at remembering where I've put things, but I'm only worried about it because I think I've lost it and I'm trying to figure out where it is - not because he cares about me not wearing it). He also fidgets with his ring often when he does wear it, and because it's the only ring he's ever worn he's often complaining about how it fits and feels like it's going to fall off, and he gets anxious that he'll lose it and will upset me by not knowing where it is, or he'll tell me he thinks that I'll think he's cheating on me if he loses it and comes home without it on and I notice it's missing (this is actually how we had the conversation where we figured out neither of us really care about the actual rings themselves).
I guess my point is that the physical rings really don't matter at all when it comes to the marriage itself. Whether his finger is naked or has the ring on it doesn't matter to me, and never has, because he's what matters to me. I'm not trying to imply that you don't love him - I'm trying to get you to see that you do love him, and he loves you, and that's what you should be focused on.
What it sounds like is that you're basically happy and enjoying your awesome life, but getting distracted and finding fault with something where there is no problem. I'm suggesting therapy because you have seen a crappy marriage and it seems you're being triggered by this symptom of a bad marriage that you saw in your parents marriage, even though it doesn't exist in your marriage.
Sorry if this sounds harsh, I really don't mean to sound like I'm blaming you or anything. I'm just trying to point out something that looks pretty obvious based on what you've said in your post and comments, that might not seem that obvious to you when you're in the middle of it).
The material could be the thorn...
I will say, titanium and especially tungsten rings are horrible if you're in an accident. Jaws-of-life can't cut through tungsten, and titanium's sorta 50/50, so if you're in an accident and your hand swells... that finger will need to be cut off before the ring because otherwise it's a gangrene and infection risk.
Be direct and simple...
Tell him what you need in simple terms.
"I need to feel secure in our marriage. When you don't put on your wedding ring, it reminds me of my parents terrible marriage where they never wore their rings and it makes me sad. I'd really appreciate it if you could make an effort to wear it everyday."
This is an effective way to say it, but understand one thing: You are asking your husband to change his behavior to deal with your own issues and insecurities. Since he clearly loves you so much, I'm sure he will accommodate, but it is inevitable he will feel a tad resentful. If he does start wearing the ring more often, be sure to mention to him (often!) how grateful you are that he is willing to change his routine to make you happy.
People typically think of cannabis legalization as one of those cut and dry things.
If you don't use marijuana, you probably don't want to legalize it.
If you do use marijuana, you are probably pro-legalization.
... except it's not that simple.
Reddit user SaifurCloudstrife asked:
"Redditors opposed to marijuana legalization and decriminalization: Why?"
Normally when these types of questions are asked, you get a bunch of people who are pro-the-thing chiming in and that absolutely happened here.
Interestingly, that opened up discourse that got people actually talking—probably more than they normally would have. The constant back and forth helped people get down to the core of their beliefs and reasons.
I can't say minds or hearts were changed, or even that people had particularly good reasons (and there were some not-great counter arguments, let's be real) when it came right down to it, but conversations were certainly had...
"It's a drug."
"I have two examples in my close family that clearly show how devastating pot can be. This attitude to marijuana reminds me of the attitude towards cocaine in the mid to late seventies when everyone thought it was harmless 'nose candy.' "
"I'm against sentences for drug possession but many people would benefit from dealers serving 3-5 for selling pot."
"Honestly, I think everyone against it should come to Canada for a visit. It's been legal here for 4 years and absolutely NONE of the spooky stories have come true."
"The only real differences is that people buy their weed in nice, clean stores with clear labels and not on street corners and our tax dollars don't go towards harassing people for a weekend indulgence."Giphy
"It stinks and makes people lazy."
"And often the weed smokers don't care if they are a pain in the butt to others and that kind of apathy is a huge no for me."Giphy
"I live in WA, where rec weed is legal."
"I rarely ever smell pot smoke. And I have the nose of a bloodhound."
"Yes, more often than as a teen when it was still illegal, but far less than any amount to be pro-prohibition about it."
"Plus, I mean, there's lots of smells I f*cking hate but wouldn't enact harmful laws over- Axe body spray being one."
"Laws can be made regarding where you can smoke."
"In Australia you can't smoke inside or within a certain distance to entryways. The only space you smell smoke is at an outdoor pub, designated smoking areas and occasionally when walking."
"It took years, but people become accustomed to new rules. Knowing Americans though, you guys will be on the brink of civil war if they brought in similar restrictions."
It's TOO Good
"I've read that the potency in pot these days is a hell of a lot stronger compared to say 20 or 30 yrs ago."
"The huge increase in THC levels should be a huge concern for people. The pot being legalized today is not the same I smoked when I was much younger."
"This argument has been rolled out again and again since I was in elementary school (~30 years ago) and I never understood it."
"THC is remarkably non-toxic, it's so much less toxic than many common substances people ingest on a regular basis (aspirin, and plenty of other OTC meds, as examples), to the point where actual THC toxicity is caused by physical rather than chemical/metabolic actions."
"Smoked cannabis is also much easier to titrate (dose appropriately), since the effects are nearly instantaneous - take a couple hits and you'll know if you've had enough within seconds."Giphy
"As opposed to an accidental edible overdose where you might not know for a couple hours that you've taken a heroic dose."
"So a higher % of THC by weight in cannabis flower shouldn't be an issue, especially considering that back in D.A.R.E. they used to tell us that smoking cannabis was SO MUCH WORSE than smoking tobacco."
"Cannabis was supposedly so much 'harsher,' one joint contains 'toxins' equivalent to an entire pack of cigs, etc...which is total bull, but even if that were true...wouldn't that mean that stronger cannabis is less harmful, since you don't have to smoke so much to achieve the desired effect?"
"Can't have it both ways."
It is high potency because it is illegal. It's easier to transport a half pound of skunk than 10 pounds of trash weed."
"Look at states that have legalized. There are low thc strains available and easily accessible."
"Because dipsh*ts will start smoking it in public places where others can not really avoid it, like is the case with cigarettes currently."
"Also yes: F*ck cigarettes."
"Yep my problem is drugs in public."
"I do not care if you do drugs as long as your doing them in a private place. I don't want to breathe in your smoke and get lung cancer."
"I don't especially care what folks get up to on their own, it's when they make everyone around them a participant that it aggravates me."
"Plus, depending on the setting, it's really inconsiderate."
"I have a friend whose job does random drug testing and he left a bar because a bunch of folks were smoking inside and he was worried about work."Giphy
Go Away, Government!
"I'm for legalization but as someone that worked for corporate cannabis, I'd loathe seeing those scums run the market."
"My state Governor tried writing a recreational cannabis bill on their own terms since we are surrounded by recreational territories."
"They stated they didn't want it to lead to a ballot measure because that's worst case scenario (didnt think voters were educated) than proceeded to write the most comically bad legalization bill that existed - before completely dropping it because they couldn't write a competent law."
"I am about as anti pot as they come, but if they are going to legalize it, why wouldn't they make it legal to grow your own? (Rhetorical- I know the answer… same reason "they" are legalizing it… tax money)"
"This is what I am screaming. For them it's only about money."
"They are waiting for the rich to install a profit making infrastructure before they let us peasants enjoy anything."Giphy
"If I had any good reason it's because idiots insist it's not addictive and it doesn't impede your senses. So they drive and do dangerous sh*t while high."
"My issue isn't the severity of the impediment. It's that people refuse to admit that it does alter the mind."
"I already have one person insist they smoke weed and drive because they know their body."
"Now imagine if someone openly said that about alcohol and how you'd react. It's a really dumb mentality to have."
"If anything I'd push for it to be illegalized ALONG WITH alcohol and cigarettes."
"But prohibition taught us that is not the way to go."Giphy
The Same Path As Alcohol
"I believe that if it was legalized, it would become a much bigger part in society, much like how alcohol is now."
"I do have a problem with public drinking and personally view alcohol as much worse compared to marijuana."
"However, since drinking is already so ingrained in our society, it's not like we can get rid of it. I'm just hoping that weed doesn't follow in the same path as alcohol."Giphy
"Im so sick of all these CBD oil pyramid schemes popping up!"
"The testimonials are all, 'I broke my spine in half and had to get it surgically fused together. Now all I have to do is rub a drop of CBD on it, and the pain is gone!' "
"And I'm not against it, I actually use high grade CBD at night to help me sleep. I fucking hate going through a rep though, they always try to hard sell me on topical CBD for my back pain that's like $80 for a little jar, or $30 bath bombs."
"I have discs squeezing out of my spine, I'm pretty sure a dab of hemp oil is gonna do jack shit for that."
"And the cancer patient abuse!"
"Smoking or ingesting edibles with THC for pain management and appetite is super helpful for cancer patients, but cbd wont do anything. Not to mention getting an ounce of good weed wont set you back much, but getting a tiny vial of cbd can set you back a couple hundred bucks."
"With our healthcare system in the states, we know damn well cancer patients are already in a hole of debt. I'm worried legalizing will encourage these CBD lies."
"It's the new snake oil."
"My MIL is that person. She's was touting its Indica strains ability to outright cure cancer the last I saw her."
"Cancer patients get hit very hard with the cannabis oil scams. What kind of evil sh*t do you need to be to take advantage of desperate people?"
"I agree with you about people thinking its the grand cure all, but that's why I feel we SHOULD legalize."
"The main reason I want it legalize is so they can do more research on the things it does help. It's effect on tremors alone is fascinating."Giphy
So what have we really learned here? I'm not really certain.
Lots of people's reasons seemed under-informed, but just as many people had legitimate concerns.
Sure, those concerns could just as easily be applied to alcohol, but lots of Redditors admitted that and seemed to take LARGER issue with alcohol than cannabis. It was honestly difficult to find anyone (aside from the smell people) who was 100% against it.
And that, dear reader, is possibly the biggest takeaway from this. Attitudes are changing.
Sorry, D.A.R.E.—looks like we said yes to drugs. Well, cannabis at least.
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Chosen family is family. Sometimes they are the closest and most important family. Just because you share blood with someone, doesn't mean you have to form a bond.
That's why best friends are so important.
BFFs are forged in many ways. They're there for you in triumph and sorrow. They hold your hand. T
They know where the bodies are buried because they helped bury them. That's why it's so heartbreaking to lose them.
It's just a bitter pill to swallow when it's a relationship you thought was going to be endless.
Redditor FindingDale wanted to hear all the reasons why sometimes we just have to say goodbye to certain people in life, by asking:
How did you lose your best friend?
I've lost a few besties. Some through death. Some through personal growth and some just because it was time. That was an important lesson. Just like lovers, friends also outgrow one another.
I'm ExhaustedI Cant Modern Family GIF by HULUGiphy
"I got tired of it being all about her all of the time. I couldn't tell her anything in my life good or bad because she would make it about herself." ~ Wide-Fig-1063
"He was the passenger in a single-car accident. The driver was drunk, showing off, and drifting on an unfamiliar dirt road in California. They found the car at the bottom of a 70-foot cliff. Everyone in the car walked away except my friend, who died instantly."
"He was already passed out drunk himself so he likely didn't feel anything, but it was still such a terrible senseless way to go. That was 10 years ago last June. He was barely 21, the nicest guy you'd ever meet, and one hell of a bassist. Miss ya, Jake." ~ FormerLurker3
"Best friends since we were 12. Best Man at my wedding when we were 28. Day after the wedding he never spoke to me again. No explanation. Calls and texts went unanswered. He would avoid being at any social event I would be at, which was a few because we had the same circle of friends. Tried for two years to keep that friendship alive." ~ Tionek
"I had a weird dynamic to continue because of trauma. We had been friends for most of our lives (26 years) and every conversation was all about her. I was fine with that because she had a traumatic childhood and I knew she wasn't super socially with it. I'm happy to listen when my friends need it."
"Then she just unloaded on me saying I wasn't listening enough to her problems and how I had mistreated her by not asking enough pointed questions about abuse she had suffered as a kid. This was days after a three hour call where she did all the talking and it was mostly about her abuse."
"I was six months pregnant at the time and all I could think was "do I really have the bandwidth to take care of two babies?" I haven't spoken to her since." ~ keepinitcornmeal
It's WeirdFriends Tv GIFGiphy
"His wife tried to sleep with me. I didn't let it happen and I told him about it. They reconciled and had more kids, then it got weird whenever I was around so we drifted apart." ~ mycowild
Yeah, beware the partner of a loved one who is trying to trap you in a scandal. They are shady. Take that drama and run fast and far.
Why?Peering Looking GIF by MOODMANGiphy
"No idea. He slowly stopped answering calls, texts, emails... his wife, even more so. I'd occasionally stop by to see them and everything appeared to be OK. They never stopped to see us, even though his mother lived just a few miles away. I just quit trying." ~ NagromTrebloc
"It was October 16, 2015. I was working from home that day when I saw a call from him at around 9:15am. I had to ignore the call because I was in an online meeting. At 2pm my Dad calls my phone, which is unusual since he knows I'm working. I answer it."
"He is speaking quietly and very calmly. He says, "Son, I love you very much. I have some terrible news. Jared passed away this morning." Jared's wife was calling me from his phone to say she found him dead. I couldn't process what he was saying."
"I said, "That's not funny. Jared, his wife and me and my wife were supposed to meet up next weekend for dinner." Jared had sleep apnea surgery that same week. He had taken a painkiller and Benadryl together. It stopped his heart. He died 2 days before his 40th birthday. We were friends since grade school."
"We did everything together, he was my brother. He was the best man at my wedding earlier that year. I had just shared my son's heartbeat with him via a text message 2 days before. Jared was so excited to be his crazy uncle. I miss him every single day." ~ SnooCapers1425
"Codependency. I became basically obsessed with her and it just became too toxic. I had to cut it off because it was eating me up inside and she didn't deserve how I was treating her." ~ SuccessfulEggplant82
"Good on you for recognizing the problem you were having. It takes a lot (and I mean a crap ton) for an individual to come to this realization. Most people like to live in denial or fight it. I did the same thing and by the time I realized it, it was to late. I hope your able to get through it." ~ Nakanon85
"I noticed that he never came to my place to catch up. I stopped going over to his place to see how long until he noticed.... It's been 5 years now 🤷♂️." ~ Mr_Nonesuch
"Over the years I have observed in number of friendships that its always me that makes the call. They always are delighted to hear from me. If I organise something they come. They just don't make the effort. I have been best man five times so I don't think that its because the friendships are not valued. I don't know, am I missing something?" ~ Yarray2
"My ex wife. Even after we split we stayed close, co-parenting, helping each other out. She died 3.5 years ago. I could have made peace I think but after her death and our daughter was living with me full time I found out about how abusive my ex had been to her when I was around and it felt like losing her all over."
"Like I thought I knew who she was in the 13 years we'd had both together and separated, but it turns out I knew nothing. Now I'm just angry about it, like how dare you get to do this crap and then leave me to clean up your mess."
"How dare you have peace when my daughter has nothing but struggles and therapy. I felt like we were robbed of the good person, the good mother I thought she was." ~ Scarecrowqueen
Far Far Away...Jake Gyllenhaal Reaction GIF by MOODMANGiphy
"Friend moved to the other side of the planet, with their spouse, to be nearer to both their families. I never understood what real friendship was before friend was in my life; and now they're alive, but not here." ~ ClutchCrgo
One of the natural parts of life... saying goodbye. Or in some cases getting ghosted and forgotten. Either way, chin up.
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Humans have had an undeniably significant impact on our environment and the other species that inhabit the planet with us.
What might happen if humans weren't here to exert that influence, though?
What if we never had?
Reddit user Mompkey asked:
"Which species do you think would be dominant if humans didn't exist?"
"Wolves. They can, and have, successfully adapted to most of the various biomes on the planet."
"There's a reason we domesticated them and took them everywhere with us."Giphy
- Everything is garbage
- Garbage is delicious"
"I would agree, but now I'm wondering if our presence is the reason cockroaches have thrived as well as they have."Giphy
"Sharks, they are the dominant species on 3/4 of the Earth's surface already, they have survived mass extinctions and would thrive even more without humans mucking up their habitat."Giphy
"Humans are the only species that seek to dominate others. Other animals just want to live in the balance of nature. They're just trying to survive, they don't have time to take over the world."
"Pinky and The Brain theme song played in my head."Giphy
"We've killed off so many throughout history but of the ones that remains intelligence and versatility would be the key factors. Their food supply and habitat would greatly increase in our absence so with this being said.........primates."
"We are simply the superior primate therefore we are the dominant species. That opposable thumb is a mf when you have a large brain."
"Wouldn't it be just another off shoot of humans like the Neanderthal or heidelbergensis?"Giphy
While we'll probably never know definitively which species would truly thrive without us around, it's still fun to speculate.
Do you have thoughts?
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