Husband Disapproves Of New Mom's Salsa Classes And Refuses To Watch Baby If She Goes, And The Internet Can't Even

Double standard much?

Your husband is staying out multiple times a week drinking (and doing god knows what) till 3am while you're at home with a baby and is getting mad that you're dancing

For all you know he could be cheating on you, grinding up against girls, insert whatever paranoia he applies to you here. And yet he's allowed to do that.

Do you hear that? It's the sound of a double standard smacking you in the face.

Hera2016

The husband is desperate for control, and it's dangerous.

OP, do not give up on your dream of dancing and having a perfectly normal and healthy social and active life that you need for your own emotional health. Do not end up like my mother, who is now in her late 60s and is brainwashed but also very aware of how much she missed out on and has become quite bitter.

My dad did the exact same thing to my mom. Whined, bitched and moaned and made her feel terribly guilty whenever she wanted to engage in a harmless, normal hobby that made him insecure. Whined when she joined a gym, so she joined an all female gym. He then complained and whined that the aerobics teacher was male, so my mom stopped those dance classes she loved. Then he obsessed that "lesbians in the female gym" just HAD to be checking my mom out because she was looking prettier and fitter.

He controlled her life. It was awful and she caved. Every single time she wanted to better herself he was terrified she'd get too confident and leave him. She had no intentions of leaving him, zero history of flirting or cheating, 100% loyal. Same when she wanted to take community college classes. He was so negative and whined about her not being home two nights a week for a few hours so she caved and quit.

He ended up building her a goddamn home gym with heavy blinds on the windows. And she has holed herself up in that gym. No more dance classes. He's isolated her from her fun, outgoing female friends. I'm talking about responsible, married women who had interesting, active lives, most with young kids, who got together for coffee once or twice a week. That intimidated him too.

I asked her many times why she was just caving to his insecurities. Reminded her that she was missing out on what she loved, on the dancing and socializing that was necessary for her and her character, just because he has crazy, unfounded, out of control insecurities.

She told me (with an utterly broken look) "when you really love someone, you learn to make sacrifices." That's how she justified it in her mind. (She also tried using this manipulative tactic on me when I became an independent adult and bought my own motorcycle, or dated a guy they didn't like, or didn't have a religious wedding, etc.)

You realize his behavior will only get worse, right? That this all stems from his deep insecurities. Please do not end up like my mom. She told me he was so impossible to deal with. Never was there a threat of violence, just emotionally exhausting, manipulative complaining, rule-setting, acting hurt that she "needed" to do these things", questioned why she wanted to dance and made her feel like she was doing something wrong, all of which is emotionally abusive behavior. Over the years she morphed into two personalities - the little girl, obedient personality when around him, and the outgoing, strong woman when he's not around. Its obvious to everyone.

Get to couple's therapy. Do it for your marriage, for you and for your kids. Make no mistake - your husband will have those same insecurities as your kid gets older. Once your child starts developing their personality and character and is no longer the kid that worships everything their parents do, your husband is going to lose it again and get unreasonably controlling with the kid.

This can ruin relationships and families. My dad let my brother do whatever he wanted, but as the female the rules were different and I was expected to be some nun. My mother became insanely jealous of me when I started up ballet as a kid and made me quit pointe the day after my first class (I will never forget the look of rage on her face when I was getting fitted for pointe shoes. Not until I was an adult did it click that she was angry because that had always been her dream but she let it go.) My mother was jealous that I put my foot down and insisted on doing what I wanted, such as riding a motorcycle, which was another one of her secret dreams she didn't even dare mention to him as she knew his reaction would be crazy. So, when I did those activities, she resented me and it fucked up our relationship for life.

After decades of my mom obeying my dad and normalizing his behavior, he also could not accept that I would perhaps have different desires or ideas for my life. My brother, who had a free pass for everything, thinks controlling a woman is normal. My mother is broken and does nothing she loves and has no friends. And I have no contact with my family, as I could no longer bear the screaming and guilt trips that I was a selfish daughter for not doing what my parents wanted.

I know it sounds dramatic. But get this insecurity of his under control now while you still can. He also needs to wake the f*ck up and start being a parent, not a resentful babysitter.

DragonToothGarden

Maybe a compromise can be reached?

I dance bachata and salsa (and another WAY more sensual dance), and I love it.

It is not fair of your husband to ask you to stop entirely, and honestly he does not come off well at all in this post. A loving husband would have recognized that this brings you joy, and would be happy you've found something that gives you such a spark, and would've been DYING to find compromises.

So in case he's just a bit unimaginative, I want to give you some compromises I've seen a number of dancer/non-dancers couples used and that have worked.

1) You only do salsa, and sit out ALL the bachata songs.

2) You only do salsa, and sit out all the *sensual*-style bachata songs (so you'd dance dominican style or other styles of bachata, which are fast & more like salsa in terms of how much physical contact there is, nothing that looks grinding ish).

3) You start a different type of social dance altogether. West Coast Swing is pretty awesome, by the way.

4) You both set a *reasonable* curfew that is CLEAR, allows you to get at least 2 hours of social dancing in, and no guilt-tripping allowed for sticking to the curfew. This is YOUR time.

If NONE of these options work for him, or he doesn't seem eager to find another compromise, then it's not an issue with the dance.

If you tell him this hobby makes you feel alive and more like yourself, and this is his reaction...? The issue is he is so insecure and so eager to preserve his own way of life that he's willing to keep you miserable and homebound. The issue is he is selfish and doesn't care much about your happiness... I'm sorry. And I swear to you, if he is a guy like this, you'll start noticing other ways in which he just doesn't even think about your needs/time/decisions as he goes about his life. Is he always late? Does he seem to still think of your lives as his life/your life? Are you guys a team or are you always having to nag/negotiate etc.?

There is no way for you to give up dancing completely, without you feeling like he's sucked the life out of you, because that is precisely what he is doing.

passionatevirtuoso

Dancing doesn't have to be about sex.

I find it interesting that it would only be when she goes dancing that she would be inclined to cheat... If she wanted to cheat there are easier ways than practicing your dance moves. I have seen more hook ups while out drinking with friends till 3am than out dancing batchata/salsa.

But I do understand the feeling when the other person doesn't like or enjoys this hobby. They don't understand that we don't focus on the sexual at all. In fact it is the last thing on our mind.

With that being said. There are a lot of social gathering or social dancing that isn't necessarily happening at nightclubs. Sunday afternoon or Saturday afternoon. I've seen that in different cities. Maybe you should check it out. Often the good dancers will be there and a lot more serious dancing happens!

Hope this helps...

Sylie25

He needs to get over himself.

Never let your partner limit or control what you can do in your free time. Tell him to get help for his trust and control issues, because those can get really damaging in the long term.

permanent_staff

Establish boundaries and stick to them.

This man is selfish and controlling. If you cave, he will not be satisfied; he'll find something else to take from you, and something else. Controlling people look for new things to control. Selfish people are never satisfied with what they have. You can either become smaller and smaller and smaller and still never be small enough for him, or you can draw your boundaries now.

I vote the latter, way more healthy.

StarryMotley

You have a right to dance.

As a person heavily involved in social dance, I say you keep on dacning. I've known people who gave up dance for their partners, and they've all regretted it.

You very clearly don't want to give it up.

i feel like this is happening again (stopping classes) and i will regret this. i know i will.

So Say "No."

He said that he is feeling really insecure (which I was pretty surprise he would feel that let alone say that).

Why are your husband's feelings of insecurity more important to you than your right to engage in social dance?

Stop prioritizing his nonsense and make it clear that he needs to get past his insecurity. The method needs to respect your right to dance.

Diablo165

Don't accept his nonsense.

It's messed up that you've accepted the fact that he yells at you.

Especially because he's clearly in the wrong.

LittleLuthien