Husband Disapproves Of New Mom's Salsa Classes And Refuses To Watch Baby If She Goes, And The Internet Can't Even
A woman's partner refuses to watch their baby when she goes salsa dancing, even though he goes out drinking and partying.
Reddit shared its thoughts on this stunning display of insecurity and hypocrisy.
You can read beatchatta's story below.
I've been married for 3 years and we have a 15 month old. We have been together for over 10 years.
When we dated earlier on and had a big break up when I started salsa and fell in love it. I was quite young then so when we got back together, although he tried a couple of classes with me, he didn't feel the same. I did some more classes off and on but then i eventually stopped going. I thought why would i keep this up if my partner won't even dance the dance with me. At the time I only did the classes and didn't feel confident enough to stay and do social dancing.
Not continuing was always something i regretted. I get really sad when i hear salsa and bachata music as the music transports me to another place and also reminds me I didn't continue to learn the dance.
The first 10 months of having the baby was tough as I just stayed at home, finding it very hard to leave the house and organizing things to bring for the baby if I did take the baby out.
My partner also still continued his social life going out to friends places drinking and coming home late. In essence, although he is a great father, having a baby didn't have a major impact to him as he did to me. There were times when he came home at 3 to 5 am in the morning from drinking at his friends place. I was home with my baby alone on New Years eve as I did not want to bring the baby out late and I knew he would want to stay out. there are many functions i would not go to as I don't like to drive home alone with the baby and know that my partner would not like to leave the event early with us.
My partner did not do anything different and continued his exercise regime even picking up an extra activity. There was one stage were he had something on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday and was about to pick up an extra thing on Wednesday when i finally put my foot down. Tuesday and Thursdays are now my time to do what i want whether it be catch up with friends or an activity.
I was ready to finally do something that was for me again and didn't want to do a gym activity.
I wanted to do salsa primarily again. So i started going. The classes i went to was in a night club. The classes ran both salsa and bachata. My partner did say "I don't know if i feel ok with this" but I said i really want to do this, not the gym. It will make me find me again.
I've started to feel so great'again and happy that I've picked up this ''hobby." I felt a sense of annoyance that i let myself drop this as I could of been a lot better from the last 4 years if I continued on but i was determine to make up for lost time.
I've only gone to classes for 6 times and the last two classes I started going home later as I began social dancing which was so much fun and I could understand that this was what i did wrong earlier on when i started to dance.
This week I came home just after midnight and my partner was pretty annoyed with me. He asked why I was out so late and I said I was social dancing. The music after the class finished also didn't start so we were waiting around for 20 minutes to get some dancing in.
Two days later, i decided after watching many you tube videos and googling classes in the area that I wanted to pick up some more specific bachata classes to really clean my basics and do it properly. I asked my partner if he would be home from work early enough so I could see if I could do it on the day the class would be held. He was angry that it was bachata' and said he thinks I should ""calm down a bit". It was a no nonsense - No that is enough discussion close - kind of response in a loud angry tone.
i feel like this is happening again (stopping classes) and I will regret this. I know I will.
i tried to talk to him again later on so that he would understand if I was to drop this - this is a big thing as I just reignited my passion again.
i feel like I am in mourning/grieving. He said why can't it be enough for me when he said 'he wasn't comfortable with this'.
His view is that
- he isn't comfortable with me 'grinding'on other men and
- he won't look after our baby when im out doing these dance blocks dancing with strangers.
- he said ive gone from doing classes to doing these big dance sessions.
- he says that he doesn't want to invite things to happen into our lives.
- what is going to happen in two years
I've tried to talk to him and explain that yes while there is maybe some sleazy guys. Primarily everyone just loves dancing and wants to practice.
He said would i be okay if on other foot and i said absolutely. I would be more than happy if he came with me. there are married couples and couples that go separately. and then he justified it by saying I'm not talking about those people. I'm talking about us.
I've also explained that bachata isn't really that close as he thinks it is more knee to knee at this learning stage and perhaps a hair comb which is done in salsa anyway. He got angry again and said that he has seen his friends do it and it is close!
i feel like he has punched me in the gut when he said "í dont know why we stopped dancing before (when we did try the classes) and now its too hard because we have a baby. We stopped because he didn't like it and it was a chore for him.
i have tried to compromise and said - okay when we are closer to our parents (as we are moving in 8 months) - will he do classes with me then as i would love that he come with me or is this just something to say to appease me for now.
he then said - ïf i really want to do it - (like again it was a chore not because he wanted to). but he doesn't know how he will respond and doesn't think he can handle seeing me dance with another guy. he said what if he was dancing with another girl and i said - yes if it was salsa/bachata setting as oppose to a club, i will be fine with it as it is the dance. He still thinks that we are inviting something sinister into our lives. He said that he is feeling really insecure (which I was pretty surprise he would feel that let alone say that).
I dont know what to do. i just feel like im in mourning and im making the same mistake again. I said this to him and he said Ï told you from the beginning that i wans't comfortable with this. Basically - its my fault for lighting the flame when he told me he wasn't comfortable with me going .
He is usually so trusting as he is always fine with me going out dancing with my girlfriends until the early morning. His close family member almost cheated on her husband 4 months back and that really floored my husband so i know this may has also made him extra insecure.
i do recognize that a lot of partners would not be comfortable with there partners dancing but thats why i was feeling so great and balanced as i had a trusting husband who let me do something i really loved.
If i was to give us salsa/bachata again i want him to recognize what a big sacrifice this was and not a done deal because he said so. His logic is why am i giving this up for him and not for myself and our family as i am now a wife and mother.
i don't want to be a cliche and say if something was to happen with the relationship in the future, kick myself and know that i didn't continue to dance salsa and bachata for someone.
I guess my question after the long rant (thank you for reading) is - is it fair enough for my husband to ask me me to stop doing salsa and bachata?
Is there a way for me to feel more better about giving it up and being resentful? Not by taking another hobby - but having my husband recognize that this is a big deal.
TL:DR
In relationship for 13 years+. stopped dancing early on for relationship and have always regretted it. Started again after having a baby but husband wants me to stop. feel like i am in mourning or grieving this part of me as it really gave me back my spark and made me feel like an individual and not a wife or a mother.
Double standard much?
Your husband is staying out multiple times a week drinking (and doing god knows what) till 3am while you're at home with a baby and is getting mad that you're dancing
For all you know he could be cheating on you, grinding up against girls, insert whatever paranoia he applies to you here. And yet he's allowed to do that.
Do you hear that? It's the sound of a double standard smacking you in the face.
The husband is desperate for control, and it's dangerous.
OP, do not give up on your dream of dancing and having a perfectly normal and healthy social and active life that you need for your own emotional health. Do not end up like my mother, who is now in her late 60s and is brainwashed but also very aware of how much she missed out on and has become quite bitter.
My dad did the exact same thing to my mom. Whined, bitched and moaned and made her feel terribly guilty whenever she wanted to engage in a harmless, normal hobby that made him insecure. Whined when she joined a gym, so she joined an all female gym. He then complained and whined that the aerobics teacher was male, so my mom stopped those dance classes she loved. Then he obsessed that "lesbians in the female gym" just HAD to be checking my mom out because she was looking prettier and fitter.
He controlled her life. It was awful and she caved. Every single time she wanted to better herself he was terrified she'd get too confident and leave him. She had no intentions of leaving him, zero history of flirting or cheating, 100% loyal. Same when she wanted to take community college classes. He was so negative and whined about her not being home two nights a week for a few hours so she caved and quit.
He ended up building her a goddamn home gym with heavy blinds on the windows. And she has holed herself up in that gym. No more dance classes. He's isolated her from her fun, outgoing female friends. I'm talking about responsible, married women who had interesting, active lives, most with young kids, who got together for coffee once or twice a week. That intimidated him too.
I asked her many times why she was just caving to his insecurities. Reminded her that she was missing out on what she loved, on the dancing and socializing that was necessary for her and her character, just because he has crazy, unfounded, out of control insecurities.
She told me (with an utterly broken look) "when you really love someone, you learn to make sacrifices." That's how she justified it in her mind. (She also tried using this manipulative tactic on me when I became an independent adult and bought my own motorcycle, or dated a guy they didn't like, or didn't have a religious wedding, etc.)
You realize his behavior will only get worse, right? That this all stems from his deep insecurities. Please do not end up like my mom. She told me he was so impossible to deal with. Never was there a threat of violence, just emotionally exhausting, manipulative complaining, rule-setting, acting hurt that she "needed" to do these things", questioned why she wanted to dance and made her feel like she was doing something wrong, all of which is emotionally abusive behavior. Over the years she morphed into two personalities - the little girl, obedient personality when around him, and the outgoing, strong woman when he's not around. Its obvious to everyone.
Get to couple's therapy. Do it for your marriage, for you and for your kids. Make no mistake - your husband will have those same insecurities as your kid gets older. Once your child starts developing their personality and character and is no longer the kid that worships everything their parents do, your husband is going to lose it again and get unreasonably controlling with the kid.
This can ruin relationships and families. My dad let my brother do whatever he wanted, but as the female the rules were different and I was expected to be some nun. My mother became insanely jealous of me when I started up ballet as a kid and made me quit pointe the day after my first class (I will never forget the look of rage on her face when I was getting fitted for pointe shoes. Not until I was an adult did it click that she was angry because that had always been her dream but she let it go.) My mother was jealous that I put my foot down and insisted on doing what I wanted, such as riding a motorcycle, which was another one of her secret dreams she didn't even dare mention to him as she knew his reaction would be crazy. So, when I did those activities, she resented me and it fucked up our relationship for life.
After decades of my mom obeying my dad and normalizing his behavior, he also could not accept that I would perhaps have different desires or ideas for my life. My brother, who had a free pass for everything, thinks controlling a woman is normal. My mother is broken and does nothing she loves and has no friends. And I have no contact with my family, as I could no longer bear the screaming and guilt trips that I was a selfish daughter for not doing what my parents wanted.
I know it sounds dramatic. But get this insecurity of his under control now while you still can. He also needs to wake the f*ck up and start being a parent, not a resentful babysitter.
Maybe a compromise can be reached?
I dance bachata and salsa (and another WAY more sensual dance), and I love it.
It is not fair of your husband to ask you to stop entirely, and honestly he does not come off well at all in this post. A loving husband would have recognized that this brings you joy, and would be happy you've found something that gives you such a spark, and would've been DYING to find compromises.
So in case he's just a bit unimaginative, I want to give you some compromises I've seen a number of dancer/non-dancers couples used and that have worked.
1) You only do salsa, and sit out ALL the bachata songs.
2) You only do salsa, and sit out all the *sensual*-style bachata songs (so you'd dance dominican style or other styles of bachata, which are fast & more like salsa in terms of how much physical contact there is, nothing that looks grinding ish).
3) You start a different type of social dance altogether. West Coast Swing is pretty awesome, by the way.
4) You both set a *reasonable* curfew that is CLEAR, allows you to get at least 2 hours of social dancing in, and no guilt-tripping allowed for sticking to the curfew. This is YOUR time.
If NONE of these options work for him, or he doesn't seem eager to find another compromise, then it's not an issue with the dance.
If you tell him this hobby makes you feel alive and more like yourself, and this is his reaction...? The issue is he is so insecure and so eager to preserve his own way of life that he's willing to keep you miserable and homebound. The issue is he is selfish and doesn't care much about your happiness... I'm sorry. And I swear to you, if he is a guy like this, you'll start noticing other ways in which he just doesn't even think about your needs/time/decisions as he goes about his life. Is he always late? Does he seem to still think of your lives as his life/your life? Are you guys a team or are you always having to nag/negotiate etc.?
There is no way for you to give up dancing completely, without you feeling like he's sucked the life out of you, because that is precisely what he is doing.
Dancing doesn't have to be about sex.
I find it interesting that it would only be when she goes dancing that she would be inclined to cheat... If she wanted to cheat there are easier ways than practicing your dance moves. I have seen more hook ups while out drinking with friends till 3am than out dancing batchata/salsa.
But I do understand the feeling when the other person doesn't like or enjoys this hobby. They don't understand that we don't focus on the sexual at all. In fact it is the last thing on our mind.
With that being said. There are a lot of social gathering or social dancing that isn't necessarily happening at nightclubs. Sunday afternoon or Saturday afternoon. I've seen that in different cities. Maybe you should check it out. Often the good dancers will be there and a lot more serious dancing happens!
Hope this helps...
He needs to get over himself.
Never let your partner limit or control what you can do in your free time. Tell him to get help for his trust and control issues, because those can get really damaging in the long term.
Establish boundaries and stick to them.
This man is selfish and controlling. If you cave, he will not be satisfied; he'll find something else to take from you, and something else. Controlling people look for new things to control. Selfish people are never satisfied with what they have. You can either become smaller and smaller and smaller and still never be small enough for him, or you can draw your boundaries now.
I vote the latter, way more healthy.
You have a right to dance.
As a person heavily involved in social dance, I say you keep on dacning. I've known people who gave up dance for their partners, and they've all regretted it.
You very clearly don't want to give it up.
i feel like this is happening again (stopping classes) and i will regret this. i know i will.
So Say "No."
He said that he is feeling really insecure (which I was pretty surprise he would feel that let alone say that).
Why are your husband's feelings of insecurity more important to you than your right to engage in social dance?
Stop prioritizing his nonsense and make it clear that he needs to get past his insecurity. The method needs to respect your right to dance.
Don't accept his nonsense.
It's messed up that you've accepted the fact that he yells at you.
Especially because he's clearly in the wrong.
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That many people might even, rather ironically, think should be illegal.
"If you could remove a law, which one would get the boot?"
They're Always Watching
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Drugs Is Too Broad A Term
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Some Of The Most Annoying Laws Aren't Even Enforced...
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No One, NO ONE, Should Be Above The Law
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Aren't Politicians Supposed To Be Working For Us?
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So, Pretty Much All Laws Benefitting Politicians
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Which Citizens, And How Exactly Are They "United"?
"Citizens United."- Lilysils
More Like Profiling Act
"Patriot Act."
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Not Exactly "Small Government" If You Think About It?
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Bring On The Public Domain
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Um... Do You Really Need Either?
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:Why can I buy a military knife made for killing people but I can't buy a knife which uses springs to open?"- racistinfrastrukture·
Clearly Not From A "Stand Your Ground" State...
"The one where you're not allowed to defend yourself if someone breaks into your home with the intent of stealing from you (in my country)."- lycos94
It doesn't take very long at all for certain laws to become outdated.
Making it all the more infuriating that these laws remain in effect.
Particularly when they likely shouldn't even have been made laws in the first place.
Barring identical twins, no two bodies are the same.
Indeed, some people are born with rare or unusual elements to their bodies which very few, if any, other people also share.
While some people will go to great lengths to cover these up, or make them less conspicuous, others wear their unique elements with pride.
There are also people whose bodily oddity isn't visible, but instead have a unique genetic makeup, substantially affecting their daily routine for better or worse.
"What's unusual about your body?"
Shimmering Silver Hair
"My hair started losing its color when I was 10 years old."
"I used to be brunette."
"My hair has been completely silver and white since my 20s."- ConcernedApath3
Mechanical Heart
"My heart is bionic at this point."
"I’ve had 4 open heart surgeries, aorta and mitral valves are now titanium."
"It makes a ticking noise like a clock."
"I’m only 30."
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Misplaced Anatomy
"When I was born, none of my organs were in the places they should be."
"Had 5 surgeries after birth to get everything moved around, and put to right places."
"Luckily, no issues since."- iMissTheOldKimye
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"Situs inversus totalis."
"Sorry I should've clarified better."
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Saves You Trouble On Lint...
"Two of my toes on each foot are webbed halfway."
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Sometimes One Is Enough
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Switch and Swap
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Better Than A Growling Tummy...
"I sneeze when really hungry."- Scrum_Bucket
How Long Have You Got?
"Well, I am an achondroplastic dwarf, so lets see…"
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They Have An Understandable Attachment
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Explains Why They're Always Buying New Towels
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Chronic Moisture
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One Hole Too Many
"Small hole at the base of my spine just before my a** hole."
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We can't choose the body we're given.
It is a shame that some of these unique traits result in people having added visits to the doctor, or an increased need for medicine.
But whether they're proud or ashamed of their bodily abnormality, they at least know they will always have a conversation starter which will instantly grab everyone's attention.
CW: Suicide.
When it comes to cell phone wallpaper, it can be a very personal choice.
Sometimes, your wallpaper is silly, like a funny picture of your and your friends. Other times, it's simple, like a monochromatic background.
Sometimes, it's the way you show your love for a particular fandom. As a huge Potterhead, it's no surprise that my wallpaper is a still image of the floating candles in the Great Hall from the first Harry Potter movie.
Sometimes, your phone's wallpaper is unique, and there's a story behind it. Those stories are what Redditors shared.
It all started when Redditor SPriGJade asked:
"What's the story behind your phone's wallpaper?"
The Name’s Logan
"Wolverine. Otherwise, a topless man as wallpaper is trashy."
– Deleted User
It Was Like That When I Got It
"They made the phone with a wallpaper. I bought the phone with a wallpaper. End of story."
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"Hello, Mr. Thompson"
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The Same Name
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– SPriGJade
Camp Wheezeaway
"It's a picture I took at sunset at asthma camp while I was in respiratory school. We hiked out to a dam to watch the sun set and everyone was silhouettes. I think it's beautiful."
– Faye_dunwoody
"Camp counselor: “Cmon little Timmy you gotta finish the mile run in order to pass!”"
"Little Timmy:”W H E E Z E”"
– Siriuswot111
Exposure Therapy
"Either I just wanted to get over my arachnophobia or just to discourage myself from looking at my screen too much. I don't remember lol."
– WingieWingies
Real Wallpaper
"I was renovating my home and i really liked the wall paper id bought and i still had some paste left over... Its a bit of a job to see my screen though /s"
– arianleellewellyn
If Found, Please Return To...
"it is black with green text with my contact info in case my phone gets lost... simple and practical"
– 1101base2
"I hope you made sure to put your phone number on that contact info so they can call you if you lose it..."
– johnnyboy10010
Nerd Culture
"I just like Pokémon"
– yuri_nomoru122
"I just like Star Wars
– Thrashed0066
And We Fell In Love
"Me & my wife's wallpaper (for the last 5 years) is an illustration I altered of two otters holding hands, but made to look very devil-like, with horns, pointed tails, and colored red. The story is, when my wife and I were dating early on, we liked that otters hold hands when they sleep, and we would joke, saying "Thank you Satan" for being responsible for our meeting on a dating app. So... it was a combo of both of those things."
– 1313trouble
Skin And...Oh, Wait, Just Bones
"My little girl had to get an X-ray of her hand/wrist… apparently you can tell if kids are aging/growing right by their wrist??? I took a pic of her skeleton hand… haven’t changed it since!"
– mic1383
Bird's Eye View
"NASA spent $250 million so I could have a tiny blue dot as my wallpaper."
– JustDunIt42
Finish The Task
"I was trying to find a new wallpaper, said screw it, and took a picture of the table."
– juse73x
Embodiment Of My Mood
"Played a game where the character is plagued by the embodiment of death during their quest, and as they finally finish their quest the Death catches them."
"My background is the main character facing the embodiment of death, still fighting. I put it up years ago when I first started feeling suicidal. I knew that it might kill me in the end, but I wanted to fight it as long as I could. I've been having a good couple of years lately, and I feel that I have won. But I still have it as my background."
– OkBottle8719
Crazy Idea
"My wallpaper is Eminem’s a**. i don’t know how to explain that. I just thought it would be silly."
– lethalload
Interesting...
"I asked an AI to show me the end of the world by the sea and it created this terrifyingly beautiful picture ."
– LovelyBones17
I might have to try something similar next time I want to change my wallpaper!
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/Rules. Rules. Rules.
I get that we have to have rules and order.
Without all rules, we have anarchy and chaos.
But it feels like some schools just go overboard.
I mean, a principal is the head administrator, not a warden.
Especially when there are so many do's and donts that make absolutely so sense.
Redditor DekuSkrub18 wanted to hear about all of the rules that left people dumbfounded when we were students, so they asked:
"What were the dumbest rules put in place at your school?"
I can't recall a ton of silly rules at my school.
That was back in the 1800s though. Things have changed.
Stand Up
"Students weren't allowed to sit on the floor in the hallways because it promoted sex."
Arius_de_Galdri
Oh!
"Something would happen: like a dropped tray or a book loudly hitting a table, and the whole cafeteria would yell Oh! The administrators hated it and would try and get us to stop. One week it happened a couple of times in a day."
"The assistant principal stood on a chair and loudly declared that if it happened again, they were going to turn off the vending machines. Of course, everyone yelled Oh! immediately. He angrily walked over and ripped the cords for the vending machines out of the wall… only to be met with a chorus of more Ohs!. It was hilarious but also incredibly stupid."
andronicus_14
Rewards
"At my primary school at the end of the year, there was a beach day for all students who had no detentions. Fine, I guess a reward for good behavior."
"But when you also have a policy of putting anyone who fights in detention regardless of who started the fight it becomes a bit unfair. You get picked on by a bully and you both get detention."
Mythical_Atlacatl
Funneled
"One-way system. You had to go around the entire school to go to your class that was directly next to your previous class. Also, the one-way system funneled all the students into one corridor, when if they could just go the fastest route they could avoid getting in each other's way. They used to say that the school was built in the 70s for much fewer students so the hallways were too small to let students walk where they want."
"So their solution was to funnel all the students down a single hallway. It didn't make sense to me."
Affiliations
"Our school tried banning 'gang affiliated' clothing. I can tell you right now the closest thing we got to 'gangs' in my school was one kid who listened to too much 50 Cent and Eminem, and another who actually grew up in Detroit but was about as clean-cut as they come."
"But oh no, my camo-patterned fall jacket? That I got at OLD NAVY? I must be in a gang. That lasted all of a month until about 1/3 of the school had been sent home for 'dress code' violations multiple times. It was utterly arbitrary and nobody cared except for a handful of the administration."
subtxtcan
Cheers
"The song 'Tequila' was banned because parents said it promoted underage drinking."
LordBaranof
But it's such a great song!
Hairy Situations
"In our school, girls weren't allowed to wear their hair down. If any girl forgot to tie her hair, she was reprimanded. This really irritated the teachers."
Goddess_Gwendolyn
That's Exiled!
"It was always dumb when they would outlaw whatever the new cool harmless fad was. I remember when they outlawed snap bracelets, wacky cards and garbage pail kids, magic cards, etc. I think tomagatchies too."
wpascarelli
"We had both Pokémon cards and marbles outlawed because of people doing unfair trades. It was a bit of a thrill playing a secret game of marbles at the far end of the oval on lunch break once they were banned."
Special_Objective245
"It would disrupt the class. I was in school when Tamagotchis, yo-yos, Pokemon cards, and Yugioh cards were all a thing. I remember how it could be distracting or how kids would get into fights over them."
ibn1989
Skip Away
"If you are X minutes late, you must do the detention during your lunch break for the same amount of time."
"For example, if you came 5 mins late, you have to spend 5 mins doing detention during your lunch break."
"There was no detention if we don't show up to class. Basically, if you're late to class it's better to skip the class."
Goatmanthealien
Terrible
"No jeans."
skarlettohara
"My secondary school (U.K.) had a no jeans policy, our uniform was back trousers white shirt. I wore black jeans to school for the last 4 years. Would get pulled up about it from time to time. I’d just say 'Ah yep, won’t happen again' then continue wearing black jeans. Our school was utterly terrible."
minigmgoit
Water Sounds
"We couldn't have metal water bottles because they might make loud noises if they fell."
Automatic_You4321
Color Lines
"That you couldn't dye your hair at all, even if you chose a natural color. They were so rigid that we kept our hair the color we started school off with that when one particular girl came back after the Summer holidays with brunette hair and revealed that the brunette hair was in fact her natural color, they made her bleach her hair back to blonde!"
Creative_Recover
Who thought any of these idea were valid?
Focus on more education please.