Cleaning up after people or animals or people who behave like animals can be a miserable job. Being a maid or cleaning worker is hard, honest work and after hearing about some on the job issues it is clear that they are outrageously underpaid. And under appreciated. We all wonder what goes on behind close doors but when we find out.... we instantly regret asking.
Redditor u/goSaya wanted to know if all the maids out there felt like sharing a few horror stories by asking.... Hotel maid staff, what's the nastiest room you've had to clean and why? (NSFW)
Not a maid, but I worked as a maintenance man and had to clean out apartments. One apartment I had to clean had a refrigerator stuffed full of food because the occupants had been evicted. Unfortunately, the electric company had shut off the electricity so the food had been rotting for well over a month. It was the most god awful smell I've ever encountered in my life. Rotting fish, rotting chicken, and a lot of stuff that was so rotten you couldn't even tell what it had originally been. However, the boss said I had to do it so I did it.
I lost control and vomited several times while trying to scrape the goop out. I sprayed the fridge with strong cleaning chemicals and spent an hour scrubbing the hell out of it but I couldn't get the smell out. I finally gave up and told my boss about it and she insisted on seeing for herself. She walked into the apartment, gagged at the smell, and told me to throw the fridge out without even looking inside. All that effort and puking for nothing! Mange-Tout
Not a Charmin moment....Giphy
Not a maid staff but used to work front desk at a hotel in Myrtle Beach. So many wild stories from that job... Once we had a customer check in late at night & came to the front desk to complain about a large chocolate stain on their sheet in their made bed. After some checking turns out the maid that cleaned the room, it was her last day on the job & she had decided to wipe her butt with the sheets & then make the bed. The customers ended up with a free stay. jettisonbombardier
Stays in Vegas.
I can tell you one room I was in where someone set a cleaning trap.
Laying in bed with my wife, she felt a piece of paper down by her feet. It said "they don't change the dirty sheets in the room, check out the blood stains and pubic hair down here" which was both their.
Called the front desk and we were moved to suite in the other tower of this casino hotel in Vegas. scott60561
Luckily the guest wasn't there.
Not a maid but I used to install wifi systems at hotels across the midwest. The job required us to go into every other room and install an access point. One of the jobs was at an extended stay, and we only had one more room to finish. However the guest was being difficult and didn't want to let us into the room. According to hotel staff the guest hadn't let any of the maids into the room in several weeks. Finally the Assistant GM had enough and escorted us up to the room to let us in. Luckily the guest wasn't there.
It was one of the worst things I'd ever seen. Trash and cloths everywhere, cigarette butts all over the place. It appeared there was a dog living in there, as there was dog poop everywhere as well. The smell was horrendous. It looked like something you would see on one of those hoarder shows. We hurried up and got our AP installed and got out of there. GarageguyEve
Not maid, worked front desk:
My coworker picked something up in the hallway and brought it to the front desk asking what it was. It was a butt-plug and he was holding it with his bare fingers. polkam0n
Another "not maid staff, but..." response: I used to work security at a resort. The worst that I witnessed was the aftermath of a couple getting into an argument. A husband and wife were drunk and taking a bath together, and then got into an argument. The wife pooped in the bath, picked up the turds, and threw them at her husband like a monkey. Then the husband accidentally stepped on one and smushed it into the carpet. I felt terrible for the 5 housekeepers that had to clean it up, and even worse for the couple's 2 kids that were in the room. Zed89
My fiancé's uncle owns a motel and I'll help out during the summer and there have been a few rooms , one was this midwestern family who literally would use the swimming pool in jeans and what not, only asked for towels the whole time except for the day before they were supposed to check out and it was such an atrocity in the room, fried rice and blunt guts all over the floor/ bureau / the bathroom sink as well as the whole bathroom being stained purple from hair dye, literal baby poop/pee soaked sheets and pillows festering in a corner sooo we told the front office and they got kicked out. The people were atrocious especially for having 3 children ranging from like 14-6 with them. MDizzleee
I'm a housekeeper at a 3 star hotel nothing fancy but not a motel. Young and need money for a new car I hate it but gotta do what I gotta do. Recently since its the holidays so many single people renting rooms and drinking loads of liquor (and eating cupcakes??? Idk why) and puking... everywhere. I don't expect tips but come on if you vomit please leave me something it takes 40 mins to clean that room they're so trashed. The smell is awful and they'll smile at me to check out and walk away I go in and its just pink/orange puke everywhere. Its depressing job for a young person I'm going to be honest but its a job so I'm thankful. pizzauwuw
Those Pearly Whites.
Not maid staff but I did general maintenance at a 5 star hotel in Ontario Canada. We had a room that the toilet would continuously plug up after a few uses. We would dump drain cleaner down it, plunge it, snake it, nothing seemed to work. So I remove the toilet to see what the blockage was. In the bottom of the toilet, caked in poop was someone's false teeth. An entire top plate with all the teeth.
Freaked me out a bit to see teeth looking back at me from a toilet. I gave them to management and they were able to determine who they belonged to and return them to their rightful owner. We assumed that during a drinking bender the owner must have been puking something fierce to loose his teeth like that. dukunt
2 liters worth....
SIL was a housekeeper in a hotel which got a lot of business through organized vacations. Tourists would get dropped off by a coach. The coach driver would get a room too. Well, she walked into one coach driver's room, and she found the bed thoroughly soaked with urine. On a bad day, a guy might pee close to half a liter of fluid. This guy must've peed like a full 2 liters worth. Must've had some serious distended bladder issue. It was soaked through to the bed frame and leaking onto the floor below.
They had to wrap the mattress and throw it out. GrammatonYHWH
Serial Killer Toys.Giphy
My ex worked as cleaning staff at a crappy motel in Florida. A few years ago she found a bunch of those realistic looking baby dolls and a small pile of used condoms in the bathtub - all had been partially burned/melted. Ejgee
I was a line cook at a hotel back in the day and I remember this poor maid came out of the service elevator screaming bloody murder. She was from Haiti and was praying and crying at the same time. Everyone is asking what is wrong but she was hysterical. We later found out she went in to turn down a room and found the guest in the tub with his wrists opened. Apparently there was blood everywhere and lots of it. Poor woman. She quit that day. Sirnando138
Had a friend that worked cleaning a Days Inn right off the interstate by a truck stop. She had some messed up stories. Most wrapped around bizarre places to find used condoms, like behind the TV or on the windowsill behind a curtain. She made it about 5 months. six_mpossible_things
I walked in to the aftermath of an attempted suicide. A man had slit his wrists and drank LOTS of vodka. We called the ambulance and they took him away, still alive. The mattress was purplish brown with blood and pee, it soaked right through 2 'waterproof' mattress covers. We didn't even try to wash the sheets and covers, just stuffed them in black trash bags and chucked em in the dumpster.
The hotel owners wanted to try to salvage the mattress, so we stood it up and sprayed it down with all sorts of disinfectants and let it air out, but no dice. They even had to remove the carpet in the room because it held onto the sick blood smell.
UPDATE: I just got home from another fun day at the same hotel. I scrubbed lots of vomit out of a bed skirt this afternoon. Thanks for everyone being so horrified/interested in my hotel tale. SallySmallpox
A couple of friends of mine had to clean a room here in town after a suicide. Guy blew his head off with a shotgun. Congealed blood, chunks of brain and bone.
For what it's worth, they successfully sued the owners of the motel afterwards, but I don't think the owners ever faced criminal charges for improperly disposing of biological material, which is crazy. Ashybuttons
Help our Vets.
Elderly Vietnam Veteran rented a room for the sole purpose of having a private space in which to commit suicide by overdosing on pills. His family found out a bout his plan and called the police, they arrived just in time to find him, and the room, covered in poop and vomit. He survived.
I was a scared young girl.Giphy
My first 'real' job was stripping beds in a small motel at the age of 14. I would start a bit before the maids so that they just had to remake the beds. Easy enough job for a 14 year old.
One room was a stay over and I knocked on the door. Guy answered and I asked if he wanted service that day. He was in poop stained briefs. He said yes, he wanted service. I told him I just strip the beds and I could come back later with the maid and get it all done at once. He told me to just come in then and strip the bed and dirty towels out. So I did. When I went to leave I told him the maid would be to his room after a bit to give fresh towels and make the bed. He got angry and wanted me to make the bed right then.
Mind you there were nasty dirty underwear next to the bed and in the bathroom along with a ton of dirty magazines on the other bed.
I explained again that I don't make the beds, just strip the rooms. I was a scared young girl. He got angrier and I dipped out of the room fast to go talk to the head housekeeper. She was supposed to tell me that morning before I got started to stay away from that room and forgot to pass on that info. So since she screwed up she went with me and the maid and we had to make his bed and put in fresh towels while he was sitting there staring at us in his dirty nasty underwear. WyoGirl79
Hopefully someone isn't missing a kidney.
My Dad works in the hotel industry for a major chain and showed me pictures of what they thought was some sort of crime scene at first. The sheets were all bloody and stained and there was transfer on the sheets from a person of what looked like dotted lines of magic marker. They think someone used the room for a back-alley plastic surgery of some kind. The police were called, but I don't know what happened after that. Hopefully someone isn't missing a kidney. Herpmancer
My college would rent out dorm rooms at a low cost and students could work as cleaning staff. I did it one year and decided it was not worth it. We had a baseball team stay at one of the dorms and they spit chewing tobacco and sun flower shells everywhere. You would lift the trash bag out of the can and it would have a puddle of chew spit at the bottom of the can. One of them also wrote Forget you in poop on the wall of the bathroom.
Edit: It was only during the summer not the full year. Protists
Not a maid staff, but I once checked in at a small motel and was greeted by the feline employee when I entered my room. I thought that was cute until I saw the welcoming present she left on my pillow, a bloody dead bat. purplejackhammer26
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/
Let me be real for a second.
Every time I listen to Bjork's "Unravel," my heart breaks a bit.
Have you ever listened to it?
It's on Homogenic, her third studio album, and it's incredible, passionate, smartly produced and a great showcase for her stupendous voice.
That song? An emotional rollercoaster, for sure.
There's tons of great music out there, though, and even more sad and gorgeous songs to discover.
People shared their thoughts after Redditor humanbear07 asked the online community:
"What song genuinely breaks your heart everytime you hear it?"
"Ann Wilson has such an amazing voice..."
"There's a few, but the isolated vocal track for Heart's 'Alone' is especially heartbreaking to me. Ann Wilson has such an amazing voice and her emotion really made that band."
Doesn't grow old.
There have been quite a few excellent covers of this one over the years, too.
"The first words give me chills..."
"Most songs by the late Jeff Buckley are sad on their own, and even more devastating in context. But the one that hits me the hardest is his cover of 'I Know It's Over' by the Smiths."
"The subject of the song is up for interpretation no matter what, but Jeff Buckley's premature death adds an element to it that seems to be about his life, whether he planned to or not."
"The first words give me chills the most— they happen after the classic reverby Jeff Buckley intro, the kind Hallelujah fans will be familiar with. He takes his time with this one, like he does with that."
No love for "Lilac Wine"?
It's clearly the best track.
"Ever since my husband..."
"'Merry Christmas, Darling' by the Carpenters. Ever since my husband Tom died in 2012, my heart breaks every Christmas since. We loved Christmas."
Karen Carpenter's voice hits differently when you realize how tortured her life was.
Gone too young.
"My Dad told me..."
"In My Life by The Beatles. My Dad told me when I was a teenager that he wanted it played at his funeral. I still can't listen, and when that day comes and I HAVE TO listen to it to honor his wish, I'm going to be a blubbering mess."
Sounds like you have an excellent relationship with your dad.
"My grandmother died..."
"He Stopped Loving Her Today, by George Jones. My grandmother died almost 20 years before my grandfather, and we played it at his funeral. Just typing this chokes me up a bit."
Songs have even more meaning (sometimes painfully so) when linked to specific moments in our lives, particularly the moments when we've lost people we care about.
"I'm not a Christian..."
"'Bridge Over Troubled Water' by Simon & Garfunkel. Not a Christian, but when I hear it, I understand why people believe."
A beautiful song, and timeless, too.
"My sister's husband..."
"Always on my Mind by Willie Nelson. My sisters husband chose to have it played at her funeral. And yes he was a crappy husband and she died young in a car accident."
Sounds like art imitating life, no?
"He's an amazing songwriter..."
"Jason Isbell has so many it's honestly hard to choose one. Speed Trap Town, Decoration Day, Cover Me Up. He's an amazing songwriter."
I don't know him–it's time to look him up and see how I feel.
"I can already feel tears..."
"One More Light by Linkin Park. I can already feel tears coming to my eyes just by typing this."
Chester Bennington's death was such a shock.
His music lives on.
"My brothers passed away..."
"Simple Man - Lynyrd Skynyrd."
"My brothers passed away in a car accident shortly after coming home from Afghanistan. Reminds me of them every time I hear it."
Sorry for your loss.
Hopefully hearing the song brings you peace.
Hearing a beautiful song can be an immensely moving experience.
And hearing a sad song can, for many people, help them cope with the pain of heartbreak better than they would have otherwise.
Have some suggestions of your own? Feel free to tell us more in the comments below!
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Never miss another big, odd, funny, or heartbreaking moment again.
Unfortunately, a friendship could really end at any point in life.
Friends grow apart, but also, sometimes, it's just necessary to say goodbye to your relationship with a friend.
Maybe they aren't the right type of friend for you anymore, or maybe something has happened in their lives to make them self-destructive and toxic.
The reasons are many, and they are all sad.
Redditor monarchmondays asked:
"People who have unfriended their childhood friend/best friend, what happened?"
Here were some of those answers.
Bad Looking Out
"I was more-so the one who was unfriended. Was going to be the best man in his wedding. Saw his fiance out with another dude. Like on this dude."
"Told him, he told me I was wrong, Yada Yada. Things got heated. I told him I couldn't be his best man. Some years down the road, he caught her cheating."
"Called me up, asked if I wanted to grab a beer. I went. He apologized. I accepted, but we're still not friends."-TheMotorcycleMan
Friends Don't Control Friends
"He was a pathological liar, manipulative and told all of my most trusted secrets to everyone because he wanted to feel powerful and like he controlled me."
"Haven't spoken a word in 5 years and I have never looked back."-TheDandy9
Sometimes Life Is The Only Thing In The Way
"As soon as I left my hometown and my best friend growing up stayed, we both changed in opposite directions. He assimilated to the local lifestyle, quickly became friends with people he never got along with in school."
"I left, made new friends, found new things I liked. He started a family, I started a career."
"The final straw though was he RSVP'd to our wedding and then just didn't show. No text, no call, no anything. I think he was pissed that I didn't make him my best man after I was his best man, even though it was exactly because he wasn't reliable and made everything about himself that I couldn't do it."
"He caused sh*t at other people's weddings and I just didn't want to deal with what I knew would be inevitable. It did highlight though that growing up I was his best friend as a matter of convenience where I genuinely liked hanging out with him."-porscheblack
It's never fun or happy to lose a friend, but sometimes it's necessary for your healing process.
We've Reached The Point Of No Return
"I haven't unfriended her YET but I'm basically at the point where I'm sick of her drama, pettiness and 'main character syndrome.'"
"Anything that doesn't go her way is taken personally and if you disagree with her (or even have a preference that differs from hers) she will berate you into submission and 'agreement.'"
"And heaven forbid you have a life that doesn't consider her wants and desires. We're both 30, almost 31. I'm too old for that sh*t."-Deezus1229
When The Punches Come, I Go
"I met my ex-best mate in school, he had a little narcissistic personality, but I understood that and ignored his faults."
"In late Teens, we started drinking and partying as most do; this is when it became apparent that he had alcohol problems, forever being violent looking for fights, killing my good vibes, and getting me pulled into unwanted situations where I saved him or stopped him from beating on someone for no good reason."
"Throughout our life, he never attempted to fight me. He remained a pretty good friend to me until our first trip overseas to Asia; during our trip, he tried to coward punch me in the back of the head because I asked him to put out his cigarette that he had just lit."
"I asked him because we were seated in a restaurant surrounded by families, for some reason that angered him, I got up to leave and luckily heard him coming and avoided his punch, but he then tried to attack me further, which ended with us both on the ground and me on top of him while he shouted and went crazy."
"Eventually, police arrived and pointed a gun at both of us; luckily, they didn't shoot. Having foreign police aiming at me because my friend wouldn't calm down was one of the most scary moments in my life and that's saying something because I don't come from a easy upbringing."
"He was drunk, of course, and claims he doesn't remember, but there's no excuse to try and coward punch anyone, especially your best mate."
"I packed my bags that night and left our joint holiday plans in the dirt, traveling solo and having a blast. When I got back from my trip, I quit drinking myself and have remained sober for the last five years."
"Throughout that five years, I've had brief encounters with him, but our friendship was never the same. Unfortunately, my old friend never changed as he aged; he eventually went to jail."
"I work in hospitals and have seen him show up to the emergency triage, bashed with broken bones, and just a few months ago, he randomly knocked at my door where my wife answered, he was covered in blood."
"My wife went and woke me up; he had a stab wound and refused to go to the hospital; I drove him home and haven't seen or spoken to him since.. His brother updated me and said he was fine, whatever that means."-King-Callous
When He's A Predator
"I, a 5th grader at the time, knew this chick who was in the 7th grade dating a junior in hs. The dude thought she was 16 because she was lying about her age."
"They had been f**king and sexting and all that jazz...he didn't know she was a minor. I went and told him, and they broke up, and he was pissed... yada, yada yada..."
"They became friends again after a few years. When I was in the 8th grade, she called just so he could flirt with me 🤮. I was 13 then, and he was probably around 20. I blocked her real quick."-Cancerous0713
The End Of An Era
"Inseparable all through jr and HS. We graduated in 85 so no social media but I still feel ghosted. He stopped returning my calls, I always had to initiate and when we did get together he wasn't that interested."
"I gave it a few tries but I got the message and just stopped contacting him and he never reach out to me after that. I never new why and it took almost 10 years for me to get over it and stop thinking about it every day."
"I kind of wish he would have just told me he doesn't like me anymore. I have a current best friend I met in college and we've been friends for 30+ years so it's all good."-DreamArcher
There is never a right time to say goodbye to someone you once considered a trusted friend.
"My best friends young son was killed in a four wheeler accident. I was the first responding paramedic. I had to take him from my friends arms to work on him. Knowing he was dead the all along."
"We flex the child on Lifeflight then I drove my best friend and his wife to the hospital. I knew all along he was dead but they didn't. It wasn't his fault or mine that he died in any way but I could never look my best friend in the eye again."
"All I could see was his pain. So we drifted apart. I finally got to tell him and his wife before my friend died with heart trouble."-hotandhornyinbama
Secret Mental Health Leeches
"She started being nasty to my husband when we got engaged. It was so gross. She was snarky and rude to him every time he spoke and made him feel unwelcome in our own home."
"I kind of fell out of friend love with her after watching her behave like that. My mom thinks it was jealousy or something, idk. My husband is the most fun and caring person I've ever known, I expected her to be happy for me."
"In retrospect, I realized there were a lot of other red flag issues I had been ignorant of. It's been 3 years now and I am so much mentally healthier without the drama she was churning up."-ThunderHeavyRains
When Mom Damaged Her
"Had a friend I met pre-kindergarten but had a falling out in middle school. Families knew each other and we were like sisters. But sadly, her mom was a true definition of a Tiger mom. Her mom always pushed my friend to be in all of these extracurricular activities, music lessons, tutoring, etc. Her mom was always dissatisfied; nothing was good enough."
"She wasn't the most nurturing parent. But my parents were the opposite. Especially my mom, she just wanted me to be a good person and do my best. But naturally I was a very good student."
"So my friend's mom would always compare my friend to me saying I was better than her because I was naturally gifted and didn't NEED all of that help. My friend began to resent me."
"Throughout puberty, she would call me a slut because I was physically developing, tried to imply I was ugly just to see my reaction, threatened to punch me, things I understood where they were coming from but did not think were justified as I had not done anything directly to her."
"Final straw was when she posted on Facebook that she thought I was ugly so I just cut her off completely. I pitied her for her family life but her bitterness toward me was wrong. Because through my eyes, she was my best friend and all she wanted to do was hurt me. Don't regret cutting it off"-dookieconductor
The sad truth is that people are not always meant to be close, and that some people are too mentally unhealthy to have any kind of closeness in their lives.
Until they grow up, there is not much we can do but sadly step aside and take care of ourselves.
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Certain personalities show up at almost every party like clockwork.
There's always that person who get's too drunk, someone awkwardly standing in the corner nursing a drink, the person who's not having a good time no matter what and the person babysitting the crowd they came with.
When there's alcohol—or any other substances—and the pressure of a social situation, all sorts of quirks will come out. We wanted to know what people thought their country would act like if they were a person attending a party.
Redditor amotyvukufyd asked:
"All the countries of the world are at a party. What is your country doing?"
Here are some of the best and most hilarious answers.
The United Kingdom is just leaving.
"Not before slapping the knees and saying 'right.'"
"Northern Ireland looks nervously at her sister before putting her sunglasses on and following."
"As an American from the Midwest, we do a 'welp' knee slap. Then sit/stand for another 25 minutes before leaving."
"Then talk in the porch. Then talk in the doorway. Then talk in the driveway. Then talk out the car window."
"'Yuh, I guess.'"
"'See you around, I suppose.'"
"'Yuh you bet.'"
"Buzz of the window rolling up."
Argentina is in the backyard.
"Argentina is either playing football in the backyard with Brazil or aggressively telling whoever's at the grill how to cook a steak."
"Don't forget, they're also drinking fernet and coke, or even cheap wine and juice, out of a cut off bottle even though there were enough glasses for everyone."
"While listening to El Potro Rodrigo."
"For sure we're arguing with Texans over asado."
"Texas would also totally be there despite not being a country itself."
"Texas showing up to a party where only entire nations are invited is such a Texas thing to do."
Greece is making questionable choices.
"I'm Greek so I guess a lot of sex, wine and questionable financial decisions that will ruin us the morning after."
"At least you have your club of friends who will drive you home when you pass out. My country, Argentina, will spend the night borrowing money. When they finally kick him out, he'll have to walk home, broke and alone. And it will start to rain."
Poland fighting with Russia, Belarus, and Ukraine.
"Poland. In the corner with Russia, Belarus and Ukraine, drinking vodka and fighting each other. Poland fighting Belarus and Ukraine fighting Russia."
"With some EU guys walking by with fancy drinks, dropping some concerns."
"And then Russia says 'Oh, you want some too?' And the EU guys turn and walk away."
"Then hours later writes a strongly worded comment to Russia's Facebook page. After spending 8 hours arguing over the exact wording."
Germany brings the beer.
"I'm German and I'd say Germany would complain about the taste of the beer."
"Germany should be bringing the beer. Please don't leave it to America who will bring some watery Coors Light!"
"Wouldn't they discuss politics too?"
"We so would! I was thinking about what we would do what wasn't absolutely cliché (like bringing the beer). I feel we would not only discuss politics but also rant about it. And other stuff. I feel ranting is really something we like to do. But also Germany would be drinking way too much and be completely fine the next morning..."
India is awkwardly dancing.
"India/that uncle dancing inappropriately in the middle of the dance floor."
"Not gonna lie, they got da best moves though."
"I was gonna say India would be that aunty gossiping about and judging others' outfits/looks, but this one is better."
The USA is just destroying things for fun.
"USA. Chugging beers and trying to smash a foldable table by jumping on it."
"I think the US would be like a really obnoxious frat dude that's also kinda fun. Like waaaay over the top bragging... but also did bring the weed. Then word gets around that he has a gun on him and it makes everyone uncomfortable, but he says it's just cause Russia and China are packing too."
"I figure we'd also be the one who obnoxiously insists on 'defending' every girl in the party- whether the girl wants it or not. Lots of 'do you wanna go?' energy, then trying to clean up any mess we make but just doing the absolute worst job of it while staying way, waaay too long after the party is over."
"We'd also get mad at China for stealing our famous brownie recipe even though we asked them to make it for us."
We aren't sure we want to be invited to that party.
Sounds like there's gonna be a lot of drama.
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Irrespective of men's sexual identity or preference, there are men who hate sports, and there are men who love musical theater. Do participating in either activity make men straight or gay?
"Straight men of Reddit, what is the strangest thing you have been told not to do because 'that's gay?'"
The following behavior just screams, "gay," fellas. Watch out.
"Sing a Lily Allen song during karaoke."
"Advice I received in high school from other students:" "Don't cross your legs with one knee over the other. Put one ankle over the other knee." "When carrying books, palm them and carry them at your side. Don't rest one edge of the books near your waist." "Never button the top button of your shirt."
Look, But Don't Look
"This one time, at summer camp, this guy who'd just been swimming in the lake told me you could tell how cold the water was by how hard his nipples were. 'But don't stare too long,' he said, 'because that's gay.'"
"You were the one who told me to look in the first place!"
Sandwich For Sissies
"When I was a kid, my dad called me a sissy because I cut a sandwich diagonally."
"I played the clarinet. I got called Faginet a lot."
"But that's one women do," one might argue.
"Changing my daughter's diaper. Mentioned it in the office one day. Called gay."
A Lighter Shade
"Buying a white IPhone."
"Added my husband (then boyfriend) to my phone plan. Went to the store on my own to upgrade both our phones. We both just wanted the next gen Samsung. It was only available in purplish-pink in store."
"I shrugged and said it didn't matter, he's putting a case on it anyways. Guys working at the store kept trying to talk me out of it, actively pushing me to go to another store, making them lose commission, just so my partner wouldn't have a feminine phone. He used his pink phone for 3 years."
"I've been criticized for knowing how to sew and cook. Those are essential life skills!"
"My father was a Marine drill instructor in the 50's. Guess who did all the sewing in my house growing up?"
"Yeah, no one dared to call him gay for it."
Here are examples of guidelines for being a manly man, according to manly men.
"Not a straight man but... back in my bartending days I asked a man if he wanted to see a dessert menu. He said 'if I wanted dessert I'd order wings like a real man.'"
"Weird flex but okay."
When I'm In The Mood, I Masticate
"When I'm feeling extra manly, I just take a bite out of a cow and then chew on some raw wheat."
"Like a man."
No Appointments Necessary For Straight Men
"I left a pick-up basketball game because I had an appointment to get a haircut. Evidently, the only straight way to get a haircut is as a walk in."
Abiding By The Law Is So Gay
"Using turn signals. And not as some sort of euphemism, but literally using them while driving to turn or change lanes."
In grade school, some fellow classmates asked me to check for gum on my shoe because they saw me step in some.
When I lifted my leg to take a gander, the boys were howling hysterically as if my actions confirmed something.
Well, it sure did. Apparently, if I l looked at the bottom of my shoe from in front of me, I was "normal," but since I bent my leg back and looked at the bottom of my shoe from behind, that made me "so gay."
Although, I didn't come out 'til years later, maybe those goons were onto something. Thanks for the heads up, guys.
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