Looks matter, just not in the way most people think of when they hear that phrase.
When most people hear the phrase, they think of shallow people who won't date anyone who isn't a perfect 10. Those people suck.
But the harsh truth is that looks do matter - because they communicate a message. Your looks can be an indicator of health, hygiene, mental state, social status, age, culture and more. In some communities it can even indicate relationship status.
Like it or not, looks are important when it comes to attracting a partner - so it serves you well to be the best you that you can be. A healthy, happy you is an attractive you.
Reddit asked:
What are some harsh truths about love and attraction?
Brace yourselves for some uncomfortable facts, fam. "Looks matter" is about the least harsh among them. R.I.P. to the idea of closure.
"Closure"
Closure doesn't make feelings disappear.
- 01kaj10
"Closure is a made up thing by Steven Spielberg to sell movie tickets. It, like true love and the Munich Olympics, doesn't exist in the real world. The only thing to do now is just to keep living forward."
-Bojack Horseman
- envydub
Heard something really wise about closure on Kara Loewentheil's podcast "UnF*ck Your Brain".
She says that closure has nothing to do with another person, and is not something another person can give you. Closure is when you accept what happened and stop fighting with the past.
The false idea that closure is something you get from another person just prevents us from actually getting it.
- mp861
500 Days Of Wisdom
500 days of summer GIFGiphyFrom 500 days of summer:
Just because she likes the same bizzaro crap you do doesn't mean she's your soul mate.
same interests ≠ compatibility
When I saw this as a young tween girl, my friends all thought "Poor Tom! Summer is such a b!tch!" because, come on, they obviously belonged together! She led him on!
And I remember arguing with them: From the beginning she said she wasn't looking for anything serious! She bluntly told him that she didn't believe in love and didn't want a boyfriend.
I rewatched it when I was older and was so proud of young-me for spotting that. I didn't pick up on all the subtleties of him idolizing her, and him thinking that once they were together she would change her mind. I didn't realize how much of an issue this is with people who think, "Once they date me, they'll see how amazing I am, and want to be with me forever," or how often you can be completely honest with someone and they will just choose not to hear you.
A Daily Decision
"For better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness or in health" never happens how you planned life. Love is a daily decision to make your relationship more important than all the things that suck about life.
"Sexy"
Your partner isn't obligated to find you "sexy" by default just because you are with them.
You could become a lazy fat slob. Smelly. Change your hair style. Anything
They could still love you, but be turned off physically by you. If it doesnt work out then it doesnt work out.
I appreciate when people continue to "try" when they are dating still, but if they don't want to they don't have too either. They don't owe it to me to try and fit my type, and I don't owe it to them to fake attraction.
Attraction Makes You Stupid
No matter how intelligent or rational you are usually, it all goes out the window once you are attracted enough to someone.
You will behave in irrational and downright STUPID ways, do things you can't explain, and afterwards wonder what the hell you were thinking.
I offered to do my crushes homework at work and questioned myself right there and then like wtf?
You Know
Love is a choice you make every day. Don't follow the butterflies, those will come and go. Find someone who you think will make a dependable and honest partner.
Oh, and if you see crazy coming, CROSS THE STREET. I don't care how hot they are or how good the sex is. I am saving you heartache, listen to me and learn from my pain.
And I don't care who you are: you KNOW when someone is not good for you. Listen to your gut.
No Schemes
Never never NEVER chase after someone. If they don't actively like and show interest in you, you cannot make them. No scheme, strategy or gesture will make them want you and you cannot change yourself to make them want you.
Fortunately you really, truly don't want to be with someone who doesn't like you just the way you are. Unfortunately this truth is impossible to believe or fully understand until you have met someone who likes you just the way you are, and that's how dating apps, expensive clothing brands, diet companies, and beauty supply stores stay in business.
Hollywood's greatest sin is subliminally showing how this always works because these movies always have to have a good ending for the protagonist in order to sell well.
- Ironchar
Sirens And Lighthouses
summer beach GIF by Pretty Whiskey / Alex SautterGiphyLove may well be the port you're trying to dock in, but attraction is more likely to be a siren's song than a lighthouse. And like most sailors, you're probably too desperate and a little stupid to tell the difference.
- Zeruvi
As a sailor and hopeless romantic, this is deep.
Requited Yet Unobtainable
Sometimes even the kind of love that shakes you to the core, that becomes a part of who you are, still can't break the chains of circumstance. Requited yet unobtainable love is a potent flavor of heartbreak.
I am here right now. As an older guy, it's worse than any other flavor I've had so far.
Enthusiasm
Hard pill for me to swallow tonight: If it's not an enthusiastic hell yes, then it's a no. And I don't mean that just in a sexual way. Obviously if someone isn't excited about sexy times, then you absolutely need to stop.
If someone says they want to hang out and blow you off for several hours then it's a no.
Aaaand your response is what I've been looking for. I've been in that enthusiastic hell yes relationship before, and it felt fun, safe, and comfortable. I trusted him wholeheartedly, despite him not having a great track record of loyalty with others.
Everyone I've met since feels like an "ehh...maybe? I'll let you know?" and I still invest so much energy, time, and effort into them, only to be let down. Woof.
- amtol
Two Things
- you are usually attracted by someone different from you, that feels new and exotic, but it's usually easier to respect (and thus love) someone who is more akin to you.
- attraction comes and goes, but routine is the enemy #1. In long term relationships and in marriage you need to actively swim against the current of routine. You will only bring yourself to do it if you love your partner and yourself, because it's a constant struggle.
10/10
You'll probably not find that 10/10 significant other.
I could make a whole list for a perfect girl but realistically, she's maybe not out there. And if she is, that's no guarantee. You don't know if she wants to be with you for the rest of your life. That's the scariest thing to me about love.
I am married to a 10/10. But it's a 10/10 on my scale. Your scale may put her as a 6 or a 7, but on mine shes a perfect 10.
"The world don't move to the beat of just one drum, what might be right for you, may not be right for some"
The Question
The question shouldn't be " How do I find someone who fulfills all of my expectations?" but rather "How do I find someone compatible with me?"
Incompatible people can have the perfect looks and perfect character traits but if they don't match with your needs and plans they aren't right for you.
Your "Type"
You may find physical chemistry with someone who isn't aesthetically your "type." It may be the best physical chemistry you've ever had.
But your brain may not let you be comfortable with it. You may feel compelled to seek out your "type," only to experience something less intense.
Or you may never deviate from your "type" for social or nebulous self-worth issues, and never experience that chemistry.
This can't be stressed out enough - when I met my partner I didn't really think she is attractive/my type. Also, she is from the other side of the planet, so her culture and personality is rather different from what I'd usually seek in possible partners. Eventually after half a year I started to feel a strong affinity to her although my brain also would not accept that. Eventually I just said "f*ck off" to these thoughts, asked her out and one year later we are about to move together and I never loved someone like I love her.
By now, I also think she is amazingly beautiful and she is the reason for 9/10 of my erections.
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Experiencing death is a fascinating and frightening idea.
Who doesn't want to know what is waiting for us on the other side?
But so many of us want to know and then come back and live a little longer.
It would be so great to be sure there is something else.
But the whole dying part is not that great, so we'll have to rely on other people's accounts.
Redditor AlaskaStiletto wanted to hear from everyone who has returned to life, so they asked:
"Redditors who have 'died' and come back to life, what did you see?"
Sensations
Happy Good Vibes GIF by Major League SoccerGiphy"My dad's heart stopped when he had a heart attack and he had to be brought back to life. He kept the paper copy of the heart monitor which shows he flatlined. He said he felt an overwhelming sensation of peace, like nothing he had felt before."
PeachesnPain
Recovery
"I had surgical complications in 2010 that caused a great deal of blood loss. As a result, I had extremely low blood pressure and could barely stay awake. I remember feeling like I was surrounded by loved ones who had passed. They were in a circle around me and I knew they were there to guide me onwards. I told them I was not ready to go because my kids needed me and I came back."
"My nurse later said she was afraid she’d find me dead every time she came into the room."
"It took months, and blood transfusions, but I recovered."
good_golly99
Take Me Back
"Overwhelming peace and happiness. A bright airy and floating feeling. I live a very stressful life. Imagine finding out the person you have had a crush on reveals they have the same feelings for you and then you win the lotto later that day - that was the feeling I had."
"I never feared death afterward and am relieved when I hear of people dying after suffering from an illness."
rayrayrayray
Free
The Light Minnie GIF by (G)I-DLEGiphy"I had a heart surgery with near-death experience, for me at least (well the possibility that those effects are caused by morphine is also there) I just saw black and nothing else but it was warm and I had such inner peace, its weird as I sometimes still think about it and wish this feeling of being so light and free again."
TooReDTooHigh
This is why I hate surgery.
You just never know.
Shocked
Giphy"More of a near-death experience. I was electrocuted. I felt like I was in a deep hole looking straight up in the sky. My life flashed before me. Felt sad for my family, but I had a deep sense of peace."
Admirable_Buyer6528
The SOB
"Nursing in the ICU, we’ve had people try to die on us many times during the years, some successfully. One guy stood out to me. His heart stopped. We called a code, are working on him, and suddenly he comes to. We hadn’t vented him yet, so he was able to talk, and he started screaming, 'Don’t let them take me, don’t let them take me, they are coming,' he was scared and yelling."
"Then he yelled a little more, as we tried to calm him down, he screamed, 'No, No,' and gestured towards the end of the bed, and died again. We didn’t get him back. It was seriously creepy. We called his son to tell him the news, and the son said basically, 'Good, he was an SOB.'”
1-cupcake-at-a-time
Colors
"My sister died and said it was extremely peaceful. She said it was very loud like a train station and lots of talking and she was stuck in this area that was like a curtain with lots of beautiful colors (colors that you don’t see in real life according to her) a man told her 'He was sorry, but she had to go back as it wasn’t her time.'"
Hannah_LL7
"I had a really similar experience except I was in an endless garden with flowers that were colors I had never seen before. It was quiet and peaceful and a woman in a dress looked at me, shook her head, and just said 'Not yet.' As I was coming back, it was extremely loud, like everyone in the world was trying to talk all at once. It was all very disorienting but it changed my perspective on life!"
huntokarrr
The Fog
"I was in a gray fog with a girl who looked a lot like a young version of my grandmother (who was still alive) but dressed like a pioneer in the 1800s she didn't say anything but kept pulling me towards an opening in the wall. I kept refusing to go because I was so tired."
"I finally got tired of her nagging and went and that's when I came to. I had bled out during a c-section and my heart could not beat without blood. They had to deliver the baby and sew up the bleeders. refill me with blood before they could restart my heart so, like, at least 12 minutes gone."
Fluffy-Hotel-5184
Through the Walls
"My spouse was dead for a couple of minutes one miserable night. She maintains that she saw nothing, but only heard people talking about her like through a wall. The only thing she remembers for absolute certain was begging an ER nurse that she didn't want to die."
"She's quite alive and well today."
Hot-Refrigerator6583
Well let's all be happy to be alive.
It seems to be all we have.
Trying to lose weight is a struggle understood by many people regardless of size.
The goal of reaching a healthy weight may seem unattainable, but with diet and exercise, it can pay off through persistence and discipline.
Seeing the pounds gradually drop off can also be a great motivator and incentivize people to stay the course.
Those who've achieved their respective weight goals shared their experiences when Redditor apprenti8455 asked:
"People who lost a lot of weight, what surprises you the most now?"
Redditors didn't see these coming.
Shiver Me Timbers
"I’m always cold now!"
– Telrom_1
"I had a coworker lose over 130 pounds five or six years ago. I’ve never seen him without a jacket on since."
– r7ndom
"140 lbs lost here starting just before COVID, I feel like that little old lady that's always cold, damn this top comment was on point lmao."
– mr_remy
Drawing Concern
"I lost 100 pounds over a year and a half but since I’m old(70’s) it seems few people comment on it because (I think) they think I’m wasting away from some terminal illness."
– dee-fondy
"Congrats on the weight loss! It’s honestly a real accomplishment 🙂"
"Working in oncology, I can never comment on someone’s weight loss unless I specifically know it was on purpose, regardless of their age. I think it kind of ruffles feathers at times, but like I don’t want to congratulate someone for having cancer or something. It’s a weird place to be in."
– LizardofDeath
Unleashing Insults
"I remember when I lost the first big chunk of weight (around 50 lbs) it was like it gave some people license to talk sh*t about the 'old' me. Old coworkers, friends, made a lot of not just negative, but harsh comments about what I used to look like. One person I met after the big loss saw a picture of me prior and said, 'Wow, we wouldn’t even be friends!'”
"It wasn’t extremely common, but I was a little alarmed by some of the attention. My weight has been up and down since then, but every time I gain a little it gets me a little down thinking about those things people said."
– alanamablamaspama
Not Everything Goes After Losing Weight
"The loose skin is a bit unexpected."
– KeltarCentauri
"I haven’t experienced it myself, but surgery to remove skin takes a long time to recover. Longer than bariatric surgery and usually isn’t covered by insurance unless you have both."
– KatMagic1977
"It definitely does take a long time to recover. My Dad dropped a little over 200 pounds a few years back and decided to go through with skin removal surgery to deal with the excess. His procedure was extensive, as in he had skin taken from just about every part of his body excluding his head, and he went through hell for weeks in recovery, and he was bedridden for a lot of it."
– Jaew96
These Redditors shared their pleasantly surprising experiences.
Shopping
"I can buy clothes in any store I want."
– WaySavvyD
"When I lost weight I was dying to go find cute, smaller clothes and I really struggled. As someone who had always been restricted to one or two stores that catered to plus-sized clothing, a full mall of shops with items in my size was daunting. Too many options and not enough knowledge of brands that were good vs cheap. I usually went home pretty frustrated."
– ganache98012
No More Symptoms
"Lost about 80 pounds in the past year and a half, biggest thing that I’ve noticed that I haven’t seen mentioned on here yet is my acid reflux and heartburn are basically gone. I used to be popping tums every couple hours and now they just sit in the medicine cabinet collecting dust."
– colleennicole93
Expanding Capabilities
"I'm all for not judging people by their appearance and I recognise that there are unhealthy, unachievable beauty standards, but one thing that is undeniable is that I can just do stuff now. Just stamina and flexibility alone are worth it, appearance is tertiary at best."
– Ramblonius
People Change Their Tune
"How much nicer people are to you."
"My feet weren't 'wide' they were 'fat.'"
– LiZZygsu
"Have to agree. Lost 220 lbs, people make eye contact and hold open doors and stuff"
"And on the foot thing, I also lost a full shoe size numerically and also wear regular width now 😅"
– awholedamngarden
It's gonna take some getting used to.
Bones Everywhere
"Having bones. Collarbones, wrist bones, knee bones, hip bones, ribs. I have so many bones sticking out everywhere and it’s weird as hell."
– Princess-Pancake-97
"I noticed the shadow of my ribs the other day and it threw me, there’s a whole skeleton in here."
– bekastrange
Knee Pillow
"Right?! And they’re so … pointy! Now I get why people sleep with pillows between their legs - the knee bones laying on top of each other (side sleeper here) is weird and jarring."
– snic2030
"I lost only 40 pounds within the last year or so. I’m struggling to relate to most of these comments as I feel like I just 'slimmed down' rather than dropped a ton. But wow, the pillow between the knees at night. YES! I can relate to this. I think a lot of my weight was in my thighs. I never needed to do this up until recently."
– Strongbad23
More Mobility
"I’ve lost 100 lbs since 2020. It’s a collection of little things that surprise me. For at least 10 years I couldn’t put on socks, or tie my shoes. I couldn’t bend over and pick something up. I couldn’t climb a ladder to fix something. Simple things like that I can do now that fascinate me."
"Edit: Some additional little things are sitting in a chair with arms, sitting in a booth in a restaurant, being able to shop in a normal store AND not needing to buy the biggest size there, being able to easily wipe my butt, and looking down and being able to see my penis."
– dma1965
People making significant changes, whether for mental or physical health, can surely find a newfound perspective on life.
But they can also discover different issues they never saw coming.
That being said, overcoming any challenge in life is laudable, especially if it leads to gaining confidence and ditching insecurities.