Looks matter, just not in the way most people think of when they hear that phrase.
When most people hear the phrase, they think of shallow people who won't date anyone who isn't a perfect 10. Those people suck.
But the harsh truth is that looks do matter - because they communicate a message. Your looks can be an indicator of health, hygiene, mental state, social status, age, culture and more. In some communities it can even indicate relationship status.
Like it or not, looks are important when it comes to attracting a partner - so it serves you well to be the best you that you can be. A healthy, happy you is an attractive you.
Brace yourselves for some uncomfortable facts, fam. "Looks matter" is about the least harsh among them. R.I.P. to the idea of closure.
Closure doesn't make feelings disappear.
"Closure is a made up thing by Steven Spielberg to sell movie tickets. It, like true love and the Munich Olympics, doesn't exist in the real world. The only thing to do now is just to keep living forward."
Heard something really wise about closure on Kara Loewentheil's podcast "UnF*ck Your Brain".
She says that closure has nothing to do with another person, and is not something another person can give you. Closure is when you accept what happened and stop fighting with the past.
The false idea that closure is something you get from another person just prevents us from actually getting it.
500 Days Of Wisdom500 days of summer GIF Giphy
From 500 days of summer:
Just because she likes the same bizzaro crap you do doesn't mean she's your soul mate.
same interests ≠ compatibility
When I saw this as a young tween girl, my friends all thought "Poor Tom! Summer is such a b!tch!" because, come on, they obviously belonged together! She led him on!
And I remember arguing with them: From the beginning she said she wasn't looking for anything serious! She bluntly told him that she didn't believe in love and didn't want a boyfriend.
I rewatched it when I was older and was so proud of young-me for spotting that. I didn't pick up on all the subtleties of him idolizing her, and him thinking that once they were together she would change her mind. I didn't realize how much of an issue this is with people who think, "Once they date me, they'll see how amazing I am, and want to be with me forever," or how often you can be completely honest with someone and they will just choose not to hear you.
A Daily Decision
"For better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness or in health" never happens how you planned life. Love is a daily decision to make your relationship more important than all the things that suck about life.
Your partner isn't obligated to find you "sexy" by default just because you are with them.
You could become a lazy fat slob. Smelly. Change your hair style. Anything
They could still love you, but be turned off physically by you. If it doesnt work out then it doesnt work out.
I appreciate when people continue to "try" when they are dating still, but if they don't want to they don't have too either. They don't owe it to me to try and fit my type, and I don't owe it to them to fake attraction.
Attraction Makes You Stupid
No matter how intelligent or rational you are usually, it all goes out the window once you are attracted enough to someone.
You will behave in irrational and downright STUPID ways, do things you can't explain, and afterwards wonder what the hell you were thinking.
I offered to do my crushes homework at work and questioned myself right there and then like wtf?
Love is a choice you make every day. Don't follow the butterflies, those will come and go. Find someone who you think will make a dependable and honest partner.
Oh, and if you see crazy coming, CROSS THE STREET. I don't care how hot they are or how good the sex is. I am saving you heartache, listen to me and learn from my pain.
And I don't care who you are: you KNOW when someone is not good for you. Listen to your gut.
Never never NEVER chase after someone. If they don't actively like and show interest in you, you cannot make them. No scheme, strategy or gesture will make them want you and you cannot change yourself to make them want you.
Fortunately you really, truly don't want to be with someone who doesn't like you just the way you are. Unfortunately this truth is impossible to believe or fully understand until you have met someone who likes you just the way you are, and that's how dating apps, expensive clothing brands, diet companies, and beauty supply stores stay in business.
Hollywood's greatest sin is subliminally showing how this always works because these movies always have to have a good ending for the protagonist in order to sell well.
Sirens And Lighthousessummer beach GIF by Pretty Whiskey / Alex Sautter Giphy
Love may well be the port you're trying to dock in, but attraction is more likely to be a siren's song than a lighthouse. And like most sailors, you're probably too desperate and a little stupid to tell the difference.
As a sailor and hopeless romantic, this is deep.
Requited Yet Unobtainable
Sometimes even the kind of love that shakes you to the core, that becomes a part of who you are, still can't break the chains of circumstance. Requited yet unobtainable love is a potent flavor of heartbreak.
I am here right now. As an older guy, it's worse than any other flavor I've had so far.
Hard pill for me to swallow tonight: If it's not an enthusiastic hell yes, then it's a no. And I don't mean that just in a sexual way. Obviously if someone isn't excited about sexy times, then you absolutely need to stop.
If someone says they want to hang out and blow you off for several hours then it's a no.
Aaaand your response is what I've been looking for. I've been in that enthusiastic hell yes relationship before, and it felt fun, safe, and comfortable. I trusted him wholeheartedly, despite him not having a great track record of loyalty with others.
Everyone I've met since feels like an "ehh...maybe? I'll let you know?" and I still invest so much energy, time, and effort into them, only to be let down. Woof.
- you are usually attracted by someone different from you, that feels new and exotic, but it's usually easier to respect (and thus love) someone who is more akin to you.
- attraction comes and goes, but routine is the enemy #1. In long term relationships and in marriage you need to actively swim against the current of routine. You will only bring yourself to do it if you love your partner and yourself, because it's a constant struggle.
You'll probably not find that 10/10 significant other.
I could make a whole list for a perfect girl but realistically, she's maybe not out there. And if she is, that's no guarantee. You don't know if she wants to be with you for the rest of your life. That's the scariest thing to me about love.
I am married to a 10/10. But it's a 10/10 on my scale. Your scale may put her as a 6 or a 7, but on mine shes a perfect 10.
"The world don't move to the beat of just one drum, what might be right for you, may not be right for some"
The question shouldn't be " How do I find someone who fulfills all of my expectations?" but rather "How do I find someone compatible with me?"
Incompatible people can have the perfect looks and perfect character traits but if they don't match with your needs and plans they aren't right for you.
You may find physical chemistry with someone who isn't aesthetically your "type." It may be the best physical chemistry you've ever had.
But your brain may not let you be comfortable with it. You may feel compelled to seek out your "type," only to experience something less intense.
Or you may never deviate from your "type" for social or nebulous self-worth issues, and never experience that chemistry.
This can't be stressed out enough - when I met my partner I didn't really think she is attractive/my type. Also, she is from the other side of the planet, so her culture and personality is rather different from what I'd usually seek in possible partners. Eventually after half a year I started to feel a strong affinity to her although my brain also would not accept that. Eventually I just said "f*ck off" to these thoughts, asked her out and one year later we are about to move together and I never loved someone like I love her.
By now, I also think she is amazingly beautiful and she is the reason for 9/10 of my erections.
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