What does a soulmate encapsulate? Are they truly your ideal person? Or is that putting someone in a category they can't fulfill....and then why would you wave them in front of your spouse?
u/throwaway77636676 told us his story:
My[30/M] fiance[29/F] told me that she would leave me for her soulmate and that it is normal of couples to have this agreement.
My fiance dated a guy before me that she was incredibly in love with. I knew she was into him, but they dated for 2 years, and we have been together for 4 years. He ended it because he wasn't ready for commitment, according to her. We've been engaged since July, with the wedding set for next September.
Over the Christmas holidays she told me that since we are getting married, we need to be open and honest with each other, which I have been about my whole life, and I thought she had.
Come to find out she considers her ex to be soulmate and if he asked, she would go back. She said this is normal for most couples to have an arrangement like this, and that he may never say anything. If that is the case, she loves me and wants a life and a family with me. I got upset and said why are you with me then, and she told me to calm down, that everyone settles. She said she will always love me, but this is just the way things are.
I've been avoiding her for days now. I am incredibly hurt, I thought she wanted to spend her life with me, but now it is with an asterisks.
Am I overreacting, like she says? Is it normal for people to have this type of situation?
tl;dr: Fiance said she is soulmates with her ex and would leave me if he asked, said this is normal for most couples.
Here was some of the advice Reddit gave him.
One
GiphyI believe this is just one of those things where you say "welp..." , and start canceling the wedding invitations. Most issues can be worked through in a relationship, but this isn't an issue, it's a fact; you will always be her participation trophy, and she will always wish you were her first choice.
Two
GiphyThis is definitely not a normal thing. The fact that she would leave if he asked her and not think twice is very concerning because what if he does ask? What if the day before you're wedding he says to her, "I'm sorry for leaving you and I can't imagine my life without you. Would you run away with me?" If her answer is yes (which it sounds like it would be) then save your wallet now and get out while you still can. I understand that various wedding-related deposits have already been made but loosing a little bit money (in the long run) will save you years of headache and heartbreak.
I'm currently engaged (30/M) and if my fiance (28/F) ever said that she'd leave me for her ex-boyfriend if he asked her too I'd tell her to hit the bricks and go shack up with him because she clearly doesn't want to be with me but rather has settled to being with me. That's not what marriage is all about.
Four
GiphyShe said this is normal for most couples to have an arrangement like this, and that he may never say anything.
Er, no. First I've heard, and I've been around. This is no way even approaching normal. She is bullsh*tting you here.
So, she has stated, absolutely clearly and honestly : "Honey, you are my second choice. My consolation prize. Not great, but you'll do."
I'm guessing you aren't too thrilled to be the backup plan, the spare tyre.
I mean, props to her for coming out with it, when she could have kept silent. But I think that is a deal breaker. At least put the wedding on hold.
Five
GiphyIts not normal for an SO to say she will leave over the idea of a soulmate. Basically, shes warned you that if she can do better than you she will drop you immediately.
Get some self respect, find someone who wont leave over a "soulmate", which is really just hollywood bullsh*t.
Six
GiphyOn the bright side, at least she did own up to it, and not at the last minute, but way, way ahead of time. She may say she thinks it's normal, but the fact she brought it up this way makes me think some part of her knows it's not, and wanted to give OP a fair chance to dodge the bullet. She may even be subconsciously sabotaging the relationship because she realizes she's not as committed as she should be for marriage.
It really sucks that this didn't come up until so late in the relationship that they were engaged, but it's still so, so much better than it could have been. I just hope OP takes advantage of this amazing opportunity to GTFO of a broken relationship.
Seven
GiphyShe said this is normal for most couples to have an arrangement like this,
No. No. No. No
Yeah, I have never heard of a couple having such an arrangement. I am sure there are people that adhere to it, but they probably are not dumb enough to tell their partner.
You marry someone you WANT to be with, not someone you are stuck with. You deserve to have someone as dedicated to you, as she is to her ex.
If that is the case, she loves me and wants a life and a family with me.
and what, if her ex says he is ready, leaves you and the kid?
I got upset and said why are you with me then, and she told me to calm down, that everyone settles. She said she will always love me, but this is just the way things are.
A lot of people do settle, and that is why divorce rates are high in developed countries. Don't settle, it will only lead to divorce, or cheating, or resent, and then divorce anyways.
Don't have kids with this woman, and you shouldn't marry her.
Also, the idea of a soulmate is pretty damaging to peoples ideals about relationships. I don't believe in it at all. I do believe in a compatibility bell curve, but that is just a stat thing. Two people destined for each other, tied up by a soul? na.
Eight
Giphyeveryone settles
Wtf? No. Everyone does not settle. Those who do, regret it.
You are her second best, her safe bet and she is using you.
You need to let her go back to her so called soulmate so you can find yours. You should absolutely not settle for someone who does not put you first and is pining for someone else. Please have more respect for yourself, you should never be your wife's second choice.
Nine
GiphyYou're fiance basically literally told you she's just settling for you, that has to hurt like hell. This is one of the more idiotic requests I've heard of. No couple does this. And who defines her soul mate? I'm assuming her? Shes basically saying she will leave you the moment she finds someone "better". I would not marry someone with her mindset. Oh and soulmates only exist in the movies which it appears she's watched way to many of.
Ten
GiphyNever be someone's second choice OP. This is not normal in relationships. You deserve an SO who thinks the sun shines out of your *ss, not someone who'd leave you in a heartbeat for their ex. This is a huge deal, and imo, a dealbreaker personally. Your smartest move would be to just end the relationship and move on. I'm not sure how to resolve this situation any other way with the least amount of pain.
Eleven
You owe it to yourself to cut that snake loose. If she loves someone else that's not normal - at least she had the courage to let you know you are second in her life.
Hope you are okay through whatever comes next.
Twelve
"Not everyone settles, and even those that do settle do not do so with a prearrangement that divorce is ok in order to pursue a specific someone.
I feel incredibly betrayed that you would use me as a placewarmer for someone that you never got over. If he is your true love, then by all means wait for him, but I will not build my life, my family, my children's happiness around you-- only to have you destroy it all for the sake of another.
Thank you for being honest with me about your intentions. I wish you had been sooner. This relationship is over."
[username deleted]
Thirteen
GiphyOP do you have severe self esteem issues? I only ask because anyone with a healthy opinion of themselves would not stand for this. Your fiancee does not love you and has told you this to your face. Love is not "I love you but I love this other guy more". That is her using you for your money, reliability and security. She does not consider you to be an important person in her life. You are not her priority. You will never be her priority. She doesn't care how you feel. She doesn't care about you.
If ever her ex feels like a booty call, she will cheat on you. If she finds someone she thinks is better than you, she will cheat on you. When she gets bored of you, she will cheat on you. She has probably already cheated on you if she's been in contact with her ex at all.
When she divorces you (and eventually she will) she'll take half your shit and probably your kids too, if you're stupid enough to have kids with her. If you stay with this selfish monster, she will break you and waste the best years of your life.
You know what you have to do. Do it to save your own future. Cut off contact and ignore her calls, texts, and emails. This woman does not deserve one minute more of your time.
Fourteen
The woman you are about to married flat out told you, you're number 2 and will always be her number 2. Irregardless if you buy her a mansion, gives her security, a happy family with 10 kids, you will never be her "soulmate" because despite all that, she'd drop everything in a heartbeat for her ex.
I'd cancel all wedding plans, tell her to calm her t*ts and said you just lost your soulmate.
Fifteen
Little bit of a different perspective on this.
Yes some people settle. They can live happy, fulfilling lives. Hell, people live happy fulfilling lives after arranged marriages where they didn't even know their SO before marriage. Happens all the time, definitely possible.
It's giving up that flaming love in the short term for the stability of normal, decent human being. It can be a normal, mature decision.
However, leaving if the ex asks is NOT part of the equation. That's the whole point of settling.
What your fiancee is saying is so utterly immature and divorced from reality, it's really stunning. You can't have your cake and eat it too.
The fact that she would even say this would make me question everything about her.
Sixteen
GiphyHonestly your fiancé needs some serious psychotherapy. Her thought process is seriously flawed. I don't even know how you can even look at this woman after what she has said to you. She does not love you. Like she said she is settling for you. I just got married in May. If my then fiancé said what she said I would have ended it right then and there. These arrangements she speaks of do not exist.
Do you ever use a product and wonder... "Who in the world thought this would work?"
That seems to be an issue with a lot of items in life.
Like, who designed all these extra dinner forks?
It's all too confusing when you just want to eat a salad and a steak.
Let me keep my fork.
You're wasting water on all the cleaning.
Think before you create.
Redditor DongLaiCha wanted to discuss some products that may need more in-field research, so they asked:
"What products are clearly made by people or companies who never actually use them?"
Remember CDs?
It was easier to break into the Pentagon than open that plastic wrapping.
Who thought that idea up?
Too Dry
Hair Bathing GIFGiphy"I swear that people who design some shampoo and conditioner bottles have never tried to use them while wet."
danarexasaurus
Assessments
"Elementary state assessments. They are the most obtuse, poorly written, unrealistic questions on earth. They enrage me. They are clearly written by people who either have zero experience in elementary education or haven’t had any in a decade or so."
meadow_chef
"I have a BA in English and couldn't figure out one of the answers to my child's third-grade ELA state test practice. I spoke to the teacher about it and she sounded so defeated about the testing. There's no way to prepare children for a test when the questions and answers are so poorly written that the students, their teacher, and the parents can't pick the correct answer."
DistractedHouseWitch
Cheap and Expensive
"A few years ago we wanted a coffee maker with a slightly larger carafe. The only 14-cup one we could find at a reasonable price was branded with Drew Barrymore's name. Whatever, we bought it. It was the worst kitchen device I've ever owned. The interface to set the clock, program it, etc. was absolutely baffling to use, never seemed to do the same thing twice."
"The instructions were apparently written by whatever guy at the factory had a cousin who'd seen an American TV show once. And when it actually did somehow make coffee, it came out shriekingly hot, to where I would put a couple of ice cubes into my travel mug when I left for work just to get it down to drinkable temperature."
Fabulous-Quality-282
Flip It
"Those who make the 'pull this flip to open' on plastic packaging of cold cuts."
MissNatdah
"Similarly, the people who make 'resealable' packages of food products where you have to cut it open in a certain place, but cutting there either results in: A) the package still being sealed closed, or B) ruining the internal sealing zipper. I have this issue with the frozen dumplings I buy and no matter what I do, I have NEVER been able to reseal the package as advertised and have to resort to a chip clip."
pls_send_caffeine
Punch a Hole
Mac And Cheese Eating GIF by Megan BatoonGiphy"The 'push here to open' spot on Kraft Mac and Cheese."
coop_doop
"Whenever I get a different brand I just punch a hole in the same spot out of habit. It’s about exactly as hard to do as with the Kraft ones. So they might as well take out the perforating step and save .001¢/box in the production process."
Reaper_Messiah
Why do they want to keep our Mac and Cheese from us?
Give me my meal!!
Tearing Sheets
office paper GIFGiphy"Those toilet paper holders in public toilets that cut off at two sheets."
theshortlady
"Same area: those paper towel dispensers that require a two-handed pull, commonly leaving you with two little torn-off triangles of paper in your hands."
repowers
Useless
"Zebra printers. I swear Zebra customer service is useless. I've had to call the help desks for the specific companies I've worked for because the Zebra CS is just like 'Huh!?'"
monotoonz
"We wrote our own internal manuals for how to setup, manage, and troubleshoot Zebra printers. It includes helpful information like 'Do not call Zebra about this issue, instead, see Appendix A' (which is screenshots of conversations about how it is is a known issue and the resolution should be coming shortly (dated 2016))."
001235
City Life
"Maybe a bit off-topic, but in a meeting with a former colleague of mine, the person in charge of the metro for a nearby city admitted that he had never used the metro. Not that he didn’t use the metro, but that he had never used it in his life, even once. I suspect that this kind of thing isn’t uncommon for government services."
KireGoTI
"Similar story. A lifelong friend of didn’t even know we had a Metro until a recent expansion meant she had to drive a different way into her office. She works for the city council."
TheKingMonkey
Warn You
"Hospital beds. From the standpoint of the person who has to push it around and mess with rails that get caught in the mattress and plug it in with a long dirty cord that gets mixed up with another random cord that no one knows its purpose. No retractable cords so they constantly drag on the ground and try to trip you when pushing the bed."
"Brakes that are in the most awkward position that you have to invert your knee to reach with your foot. And worst, the screeching, ear-piercing alarm that they emit to 'warn you' that the bed is not locked. Hospital beds are obnoxious."
Agitated-Effort3423
Help Please
Customer Service Waiting GIF by Juno CalypsoGiphy"Customer-facing software. Developers should be required to hire grandmas under the explicit condition that if grandma can't look at a menu option and decide what to click without giving up and calling the help desk your functionality has failed."
Puzzleheaded-Bat8657
I can't even begin to get into software options.
It brings back too much PTSD.
