What does a soulmate encapsulate? Are they truly your ideal person? Or is that putting someone in a category they can't fulfill....and then why would you wave them in front of your spouse?
u/throwaway77636676 told us his story:
My[30/M] fiance[29/F] told me that she would leave me for her soulmate and that it is normal of couples to have this agreement.
My fiance dated a guy before me that she was incredibly in love with. I knew she was into him, but they dated for 2 years, and we have been together for 4 years. He ended it because he wasn't ready for commitment, according to her. We've been engaged since July, with the wedding set for next September.
Over the Christmas holidays she told me that since we are getting married, we need to be open and honest with each other, which I have been about my whole life, and I thought she had.
Come to find out she considers her ex to be soulmate and if he asked, she would go back. She said this is normal for most couples to have an arrangement like this, and that he may never say anything. If that is the case, she loves me and wants a life and a family with me. I got upset and said why are you with me then, and she told me to calm down, that everyone settles. She said she will always love me, but this is just the way things are.
I've been avoiding her for days now. I am incredibly hurt, I thought she wanted to spend her life with me, but now it is with an asterisks.
Am I overreacting, like she says? Is it normal for people to have this type of situation?
tl;dr: Fiance said she is soulmates with her ex and would leave me if he asked, said this is normal for most couples.
Here was some of the advice Reddit gave him.
One
Giphy
I believe this is just one of those things where you say "welp..." , and start canceling the wedding invitations. Most issues can be worked through in a relationship, but this isn't an issue, it's a fact; you will always be her participation trophy, and she will always wish you were her first choice.
Two
Giphy
This is definitely not a normal thing. The fact that she would leave if he asked her and not think twice is very concerning because what if he does ask? What if the day before you're wedding he says to her, "I'm sorry for leaving you and I can't imagine my life without you. Would you run away with me?" If her answer is yes (which it sounds like it would be) then save your wallet now and get out while you still can. I understand that various wedding-related deposits have already been made but loosing a little bit money (in the long run) will save you years of headache and heartbreak.
I'm currently engaged (30/M) and if my fiance (28/F) ever said that she'd leave me for her ex-boyfriend if he asked her too I'd tell her to hit the bricks and go shack up with him because she clearly doesn't want to be with me but rather has settled to being with me. That's not what marriage is all about.
Four
Giphy
She said this is normal for most couples to have an arrangement like this, and that he may never say anything.
Er, no. First I've heard, and I've been around. This is no way even approaching normal. She is bullsh*tting you here.
So, she has stated, absolutely clearly and honestly : "Honey, you are my second choice. My consolation prize. Not great, but you'll do."
I'm guessing you aren't too thrilled to be the backup plan, the spare tyre.
I mean, props to her for coming out with it, when she could have kept silent. But I think that is a deal breaker. At least put the wedding on hold.
Five
Giphy
Its not normal for an SO to say she will leave over the idea of a soulmate. Basically, shes warned you that if she can do better than you she will drop you immediately.
Get some self respect, find someone who wont leave over a "soulmate", which is really just hollywood bullsh*t.
Six
Giphy
On the bright side, at least she did own up to it, and not at the last minute, but way, way ahead of time. She may say she thinks it's normal, but the fact she brought it up this way makes me think some part of her knows it's not, and wanted to give OP a fair chance to dodge the bullet. She may even be subconsciously sabotaging the relationship because she realizes she's not as committed as she should be for marriage.
It really sucks that this didn't come up until so late in the relationship that they were engaged, but it's still so, so much better than it could have been. I just hope OP takes advantage of this amazing opportunity to GTFO of a broken relationship.
Seven
Giphy
She said this is normal for most couples to have an arrangement like this,
No. No. No. No
Yeah, I have never heard of a couple having such an arrangement. I am sure there are people that adhere to it, but they probably are not dumb enough to tell their partner.
You marry someone you WANT to be with, not someone you are stuck with. You deserve to have someone as dedicated to you, as she is to her ex.
If that is the case, she loves me and wants a life and a family with me.
and what, if her ex says he is ready, leaves you and the kid?
I got upset and said why are you with me then, and she told me to calm down, that everyone settles. She said she will always love me, but this is just the way things are.
A lot of people do settle, and that is why divorce rates are high in developed countries. Don't settle, it will only lead to divorce, or cheating, or resent, and then divorce anyways.
Don't have kids with this woman, and you shouldn't marry her.
Also, the idea of a soulmate is pretty damaging to peoples ideals about relationships. I don't believe in it at all. I do believe in a compatibility bell curve, but that is just a stat thing. Two people destined for each other, tied up by a soul? na.
Eight
Giphy
everyone settles
Wtf? No. Everyone does not settle. Those who do, regret it.
You are her second best, her safe bet and she is using you.
You need to let her go back to her so called soulmate so you can find yours. You should absolutely not settle for someone who does not put you first and is pining for someone else. Please have more respect for yourself, you should never be your wife's second choice.
Nine
Giphy
You're fiance basically literally told you she's just settling for you, that has to hurt like hell. This is one of the more idiotic requests I've heard of. No couple does this. And who defines her soul mate? I'm assuming her? Shes basically saying she will leave you the moment she finds someone "better". I would not marry someone with her mindset. Oh and soulmates only exist in the movies which it appears she's watched way to many of.
Ten
Giphy
Never be someone's second choice OP. This is not normal in relationships. You deserve an SO who thinks the sun shines out of your *ss, not someone who'd leave you in a heartbeat for their ex. This is a huge deal, and imo, a dealbreaker personally. Your smartest move would be to just end the relationship and move on. I'm not sure how to resolve this situation any other way with the least amount of pain.
Eleven
You owe it to yourself to cut that snake loose. If she loves someone else that's not normal - at least she had the courage to let you know you are second in her life.
Hope you are okay through whatever comes next.
Twelve
"Not everyone settles, and even those that do settle do not do so with a prearrangement that divorce is ok in order to pursue a specific someone.
I feel incredibly betrayed that you would use me as a placewarmer for someone that you never got over. If he is your true love, then by all means wait for him, but I will not build my life, my family, my children's happiness around you-- only to have you destroy it all for the sake of another.
Thank you for being honest with me about your intentions. I wish you had been sooner. This relationship is over."
[username deleted]
Thirteen
Giphy
OP do you have severe self esteem issues? I only ask because anyone with a healthy opinion of themselves would not stand for this. Your fiancee does not love you and has told you this to your face. Love is not "I love you but I love this other guy more". That is her using you for your money, reliability and security. She does not consider you to be an important person in her life. You are not her priority. You will never be her priority. She doesn't care how you feel. She doesn't care about you.
If ever her ex feels like a booty call, she will cheat on you. If she finds someone she thinks is better than you, she will cheat on you. When she gets bored of you, she will cheat on you. She has probably already cheated on you if she's been in contact with her ex at all.
When she divorces you (and eventually she will) she'll take half your shit and probably your kids too, if you're stupid enough to have kids with her. If you stay with this selfish monster, she will break you and waste the best years of your life.
You know what you have to do. Do it to save your own future. Cut off contact and ignore her calls, texts, and emails. This woman does not deserve one minute more of your time.
Fourteen
The woman you are about to married flat out told you, you're number 2 and will always be her number 2. Irregardless if you buy her a mansion, gives her security, a happy family with 10 kids, you will never be her "soulmate" because despite all that, she'd drop everything in a heartbeat for her ex.
I'd cancel all wedding plans, tell her to calm her t*ts and said you just lost your soulmate.
Fifteen
Little bit of a different perspective on this.
Yes some people settle. They can live happy, fulfilling lives. Hell, people live happy fulfilling lives after arranged marriages where they didn't even know their SO before marriage. Happens all the time, definitely possible.
It's giving up that flaming love in the short term for the stability of normal, decent human being. It can be a normal, mature decision.
However, leaving if the ex asks is NOT part of the equation. That's the whole point of settling.
What your fiancee is saying is so utterly immature and divorced from reality, it's really stunning. You can't have your cake and eat it too.
The fact that she would even say this would make me question everything about her.
Sixteen
Giphy
Honestly your fiancé needs some serious psychotherapy. Her thought process is seriously flawed. I don't even know how you can even look at this woman after what she has said to you. She does not love you. Like she said she is settling for you. I just got married in May. If my then fiancé said what she said I would have ended it right then and there. These arrangements she speaks of do not exist.
Oasis in the desert? No thank you.
"Dubai."
"Why and whats special about it?"
"Its a modern city in a desert."- Maximum_Calendar_791.
"Dubai."
"A fake city with fake people, no human rights, where the world's tallest buildings hide corruption and slavery in their shadows."
"It's like someone decided to take every problem of mankind and concentrate it in one spot."- PayNoNoticeOfMe.
"Dubai one i think it is ugly two I would die in two minutes of me being there I can't stand anything above 40 c°."- BookWormPerson.
One of the seven wonders is one too many for me.
"The pyramids. "
"Too many horror stories of Egypt."- Aemiom.
Landlocked.
"Not really a destination, but taking a cruise."- Shortbus_Playboy.
cruise ship vacation GIF by Hallmark ChannelGiphyMountains aren't really my thing.
"Everest."
"Just why."
"You use a bunch of money to get in there them come down."
"And trash your whole way there. It's literally a corner in the Earth insufferable for humans and we still made a way to go there to trash it."- ACLullaby.
It's in my own backyard... but still not interested.
"I have lived about 15km away from the Burj Khalifa ever since it was made."
"I could not care any less besides the occasional pointing out the 'shiny tall building' to my nieces.- legolosss.
The pictures are enough for me.
"Mount Rushmore."
"Friends who've made the journey to Mount Rushmore mostly say it was no big deal and not worth the effort or expense to travel there."- Back2Bach.
States Selfie GIF by Ethan BarnowskyGiphyHustle and Bustle? No thanks.
"Anything busy.'
"Whether it's cities, structures, I don't care."
"I'd rather go to a boring empty quiet place than a place full of people."- TheSmeep.
They're watching us.
"That creepy a** place in Japan with all the realistic dolls."
"No thank you."
dolly dearest horror GIF by absurdnoiseGiphySome dream of paying a visit to these places.
Others hope they never have to set foot there, and will choose to leave it to the other millions of tourists.
To each, their own.
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And while a candidate is fit to lead remains to be seen, we rely on our instinct to choose someone with whom we can relate.
But sometimes, our options are limited and we inevitably go with someone who is the lesser of two evils.
Curious to hear from strangers online about a hypothetical, Redditor Cashmeresquid2309 asked:
"Americans of Reddit, would you vote for an openly Atheist presidential candidate? Why or why not?"
Redditors were quick to point out the answer was a no-brainer.
We Already Know The Answer
"Asking Reddit if they'd vote for an atheist..."
"I feel like the answer would be obvious."
– sarahmagoo
Sci-Fi Analogy
"Americans of Reddit, would you vote for a Star Wars fan who heckin loves doggos?"
– WitnessChemical
For The Atheists In The Crowd
"Atheists of atheistville, would you vote for an open atheist?"
– nixcamic
Others weighed in with a range of opinions.
About 45
"What's funny is how many of them would probably say no, even though they voted for Trump and would do so again. Say whatever else you want about him, but I seriously can't understand how anyone could genuinely believe Trump is a Christian. He's so obviously faking it and is undoubtedly the most atheistic president we've ever had or are likely to have for a long time."
"This is a guy who's never even so much as read the Bible or attended church, who told a conservative radio host his favorite Bible verse was 'an eye for an eye', who told evangelical interviewers that he's never asked God for forgiveness because he's never done anything wrong, and who routinely commits all 7 deadly sins (pride, greed, wrath, envy, lust, gluttony and sloth) without remorse."
– empfindsamkeit
From A Different Perspective
"Not an american but interestingly according to this survey on 1006 people from 2007, being atheist was the worst thing you could be as a candidate (of the things asked) with only 45 % of people saying they'd vote for one."
– ilovecatfish
An atheist candidate isn't necessarily a big strike.
Double Negative
"I wouldn’t not vote for someone just because they were atheist."
– HabitualEnthusiast
Credibility First
"This is it. If they’re running on platforms I support with a history to back up those campaign promises, I don’t care if they belong to the church of the flying spaghetti monster. They could literally be a member of the satanic temple and I, an actual practicing Christian, would give less shi*s than a constipated sloth."
"Edit: yes, I realize the Satanic Temple does not actually worship satan. I used it for that purpose. The Church of Satan has some…problematic views and I probably would not vote for someone who literally holds a platform of eugenics."
– Phoenix_of_Asclepius
Some view the role of religion in politics as important.
It Depends
"Religion can be relevant: I would have strong reservations about voting for a Scientologist, even if I agreed with the policies they proposed. I would have strong reservations voting for a member of an apocalyptic cult or, possibly worse, a follower of the (highly heretical) 'prosperity gospel,' which unfortunately includes more and more so-called 'evangelicals' — I didn't vote for George W. Bush, but it's not because he was an evangelical."
"It depends on the role: I'd probably be more flexible with a legislator than an executive (mayor, governor, president), as their character is IMO more important than for a legislator and their policy stances somewhat less important relative to a legislator."
"Satanic temple — well, that's just an organized group of atheists and humanists with an intentionally inflammatory choice of name. They're generally fine people."
– alyssasaccount
A Bad Rap
"The Satanic Temple is an excellent organization that every decent person should be able to respect. A Church of Satan member, not so much."
"There's a huge difference between them!"
– StarsEatArtBooks
And Redditor boganvegan said it best.
"Better an open atheist than a fake Christian."
It all boils down to trustworthiness. Without full transparency, how could anyone put their faith in a candidate who spews nothing but lies?
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I'm always freaked out when I'm home alone. Lights on. Yeah, my electric bill is high.
Dorothy?
Wind Conan Obrien GIF by Team CocoGiphy"I dreamed the front door blew open at the exact time the house alarm went off... I hopped up and sure enough, the front door was open. No intruder."
fatowl
I See You
"Not home alone but only one in right side of the house. Went to my mom's bathroom to wash my hands and saw a pair of feet behind the half open door. Laughed and said 'very funny Ma, I see you.' then finished up and left. Bumped into my mother in the kitchen unpacking, nobody else was in the house. I'm glad whatever was behind the door didn't peek out."
SatanWithFur
“It’s Doug!”
"One night I had forgotten to lock my apartment door and woke up in the middle of the night. My bedroom door was about 2 feet from my front door, as you walked into the apartment. First a big dog ran by, then a person. Holy crap I was so scared and I screeched 'Who is it?!?!!'"
"A man said 'It’s Doug!' As I was thinking to myself, who the f**k is Doug, he said 'oh, crap.' He turned around to go back out the front door saying 'Sorry.' I asked 'Didn’t you have a dog with you?' He said 'Oh, yeah. Hey, c’mon!.' He left, his dog ran out after him and I locked my front door."
"Edit: glad you all thought this was funny, because I did too, once my heart quit trying to beat right out of my chest! The next day the girls at work thought I was crazy for not being upset, but eh, done is done. Peace!"
scarletohairy
Confused...
"My sister and I were home alone and we heard someone big running up the stairs. The stairs make lots of noise with slight pressure so when there’s someone big on them you can tell. I went out of my room to check but saw no one anywhere and my sister also came out of her room and she asked if that was me I said no and we both looked around to see if there was anyone but found no one in the whole house. We were confused and called our parents and just waited until they got back and that was that."
JtSudbury04
I See You
Staring I See You GIF by QuikTripGiphy"I very clearly saw a guy walk into my room. But when I went after him there was nobody there. I checked in the closet, under my bed, everywhere one could hide in my room."
HighlyOffensive10
This is why home video surveillance is key.
"NO"
Season 5 No GIF by The OfficeGiphy"My parents were on a road trip, just left, and I sat down at my desk. I thought 'Weekend alone by myself' and a voice yelled into my right ear 'NO' so loud it hurt."
Th4ab
Wild
"I managed to lock myself out of my house on my birthday during a tornado while trying to bring my cats to the basement for safety. I later found out that the tornado was approximately a couple miles or less from me at that exact time. The sky was green and it got weirdly calm and then I could hear what sounded like a train coming before I found an unlocked window to climb through. Wild times."
SilverGnarwhal
Saturday morning in the 80s...
"I wasn't home alone but I was awake by myself one Saturday morning in the 80s when I was around 7 or so. I believe my mom was the only one home because my dad went to the lake to go fishing that weekend, and I'm not sure where my older brothers were, maybe they went with him, idk."
"Anyways, my mom's sleeping in, and I'm in the living room by myself, watching Saturday morning cartoons and making a fort out of sheets and cushions. Something made me turn around and I saw my dad in his pajamas standing in the hallway entrance with his hands on his hips, looking the mess I was making and shaking his head."
"He then turned around and walked into my room, which was just off the hallway entrance. Dude. I didn't even look, I just booked it to my parents room and woke my mom up. I don't remember what happened after that, this was around 35 years ago. And yes, my dad was fine, nothing had happened to him."
smriversong
Get the Bat...
"I was at home by myself on a call with some friends when all of a sudden my dog begins to bark like crazy, which was odd since it was the middle of the night and he's usually sleep. I go downstairs to check on him and find him barking at our hall closet, terrified I grabbed my bat that I keep in my room just in case and open the door. There was nothing out of usual at first at then I look down and notice a familiar looking object at the bottom of the closet."
"It was my mom's necklace she had lost when I was 9, (i'm 15 now just to put in perspective how long it's been). I showed it to my mom at breakfast and she was just as shocked as I was. I still have no clue how it got there or how my dog knew it was in there, definitely one of the oddest occurrences of my life."
SomeRandomIdiot14
Meow
Happy Cat GIF by ChubbiverseGiphy"Many years ago, I was 14 or so, my first night alone in the house when my parents were out. Lying on the living room floor reading, my cat sleeping next to me."
"Suddenly, cat wakes up, stares intently into the dark corner of the room behind me, hair on end, growls and then bolts out of the room and upstairs. I look behind me and see nothing, but follow cat upstairs and hide under the covers. Freaked me out."
LairdofWingHaven
Thank God for alarms. I hate being home alone.
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The body freaks me out. But it's all I've got. So teach me some things.
Minutes...
death GIFGiphy"The fastest killing virus takes around 4 days to kill you. That would be Ebola. Your immune system can kill you in 15 minutes."
will477
'locked-in'
"If your brainstem (the part of the brain that mediates most motor control for all of the body) is damaged, you can get 'locked-in' syndrome. That means you're fully conscious and aware of your surroundings but unable to move or speak. The only muscles that remain unaffected in most people are the muscles that move they eyes and the eyelids."
"You're essentially trapped within your own body with your only way of communication being blinking or moving your eyes It can be caused by toxins, blockage of the basilar artery which is the main artery of the brainstem, or other brainstem damage."
4oodler
Explosions
"Some people suffer from Exploding Head Syndrome, which causes them to hear a loud bang when they wake up."
ToraMix19
"When I was younger I believe I experienced this a few times. Sounds I heard were: about a million people talking and laughing all at once, a train that irl would've been about a foot away from me based on the volume of the sound, and a door slamming loudly."
aliaisacreature
Pain
"Not sure if this is by design, but I totaled my car once, almost completely uninjured somehow. Then I looked down to my right hand which I remember jabbing into my dashboard at 55mph. Luckily (unluckily?) only my pinky took the blow. But instead of a floppy-udder full of bone-sand, my pinky was 0.5 inches long."
"Broke no bones, but instead perfectly stacked my phalanges, or finger bones, INTO my hand. This is fixed by a muscular Russian murse grabbing your pinky with both hands and pulling very hard. God I wish they gave me more lidocaine."
TelevisionOlympics
Functions
animation art GIFGiphy"If you have a surgery where they need to move your organs around they might not function for a day as the body assumes that they are dead."
tonythebutcher13
Move things around? You mean that's not fake when it happens on "Grey's Anatomy?"
Basketball Wives Ugh GIF by VH1"The only reason you are not aware of it is because the ambient noise kind of drowns it out because your ears focus on it. If you go to one of those super-silent rooms that absorb all sorts of sounds, it is a really weird way to reacquaint yourself with your body."
Black_Handkerchief
The Mouth
"Idk about the most disturbing but how bad human teeth are. We’d think it’s our sugary and processed diets these days that cause it, but even Otzi the iceman discovered in Italy was found to have terrible teeth, mouth diseases and cavities. It’s odd that even with the most basic of diets our teeth are so bad."
Dorianisconfused
In the bowels...
"I noticed this after my abdominal surgery. When I turned over in bed my guts seemed to fall from one side to the other. Mentioned to my doc and she confirmed it was my bowels rearranging themselves."
squatter_
"Apparently the doctor just throws your intestines back in there higgeldy-piggeldy because there isn't a correct way to pack them neatly."
LostDesigner9
A Quick Burst
"There are a vast number of ways that your body can malfunction and kill you with little or no warning. An aneurysm can go undetected until it bursts and kills you. Getting hit in the chest just the right way can stop your heart. You can encounter an allergen that never previously provoked an immune response that freaks out your body so badly that you die. You literally just never know if your body will just... die."
Unsolicited_Spiders
The body is such a conundrum. Sexy and gross all at once.
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