What does a soulmate encapsulate? Are they truly your ideal person? Or is that putting someone in a category they can't fulfill....and then why would you wave them in front of your spouse?
u/throwaway77636676 told us his story:
My[30/M] fiance[29/F] told me that she would leave me for her soulmate and that it is normal of couples to have this agreement.
My fiance dated a guy before me that she was incredibly in love with. I knew she was into him, but they dated for 2 years, and we have been together for 4 years. He ended it because he wasn't ready for commitment, according to her. We've been engaged since July, with the wedding set for next September.
Over the Christmas holidays she told me that since we are getting married, we need to be open and honest with each other, which I have been about my whole life, and I thought she had.
Come to find out she considers her ex to be soulmate and if he asked, she would go back. She said this is normal for most couples to have an arrangement like this, and that he may never say anything. If that is the case, she loves me and wants a life and a family with me. I got upset and said why are you with me then, and she told me to calm down, that everyone settles. She said she will always love me, but this is just the way things are.
I've been avoiding her for days now. I am incredibly hurt, I thought she wanted to spend her life with me, but now it is with an asterisks.
Am I overreacting, like she says? Is it normal for people to have this type of situation?
tl;dr: Fiance said she is soulmates with her ex and would leave me if he asked, said this is normal for most couples.
Here was some of the advice Reddit gave him.
I believe this is just one of those things where you say "welp..." , and start canceling the wedding invitations. Most issues can be worked through in a relationship, but this isn't an issue, it's a fact; you will always be her participation trophy, and she will always wish you were her first choice.
This is definitely not a normal thing. The fact that she would leave if he asked her and not think twice is very concerning because what if he does ask? What if the day before you're wedding he says to her, "I'm sorry for leaving you and I can't imagine my life without you. Would you run away with me?" If her answer is yes (which it sounds like it would be) then save your wallet now and get out while you still can. I understand that various wedding-related deposits have already been made but loosing a little bit money (in the long run) will save you years of headache and heartbreak.
I'm currently engaged (30/M) and if my fiance (28/F) ever said that she'd leave me for her ex-boyfriend if he asked her too I'd tell her to hit the bricks and go shack up with him because she clearly doesn't want to be with me but rather has settled to being with me. That's not what marriage is all about.
She said this is normal for most couples to have an arrangement like this, and that he may never say anything.
Er, no. First I've heard, and I've been around. This is no way even approaching normal. She is bullsh*tting you here.
So, she has stated, absolutely clearly and honestly : "Honey, you are my second choice. My consolation prize. Not great, but you'll do."
I'm guessing you aren't too thrilled to be the backup plan, the spare tyre.
I mean, props to her for coming out with it, when she could have kept silent. But I think that is a deal breaker. At least put the wedding on hold.
Its not normal for an SO to say she will leave over the idea of a soulmate. Basically, shes warned you that if she can do better than you she will drop you immediately.
Get some self respect, find someone who wont leave over a "soulmate", which is really just hollywood bullsh*t.
On the bright side, at least she did own up to it, and not at the last minute, but way, way ahead of time. She may say she thinks it's normal, but the fact she brought it up this way makes me think some part of her knows it's not, and wanted to give OP a fair chance to dodge the bullet. She may even be subconsciously sabotaging the relationship because she realizes she's not as committed as she should be for marriage.
It really sucks that this didn't come up until so late in the relationship that they were engaged, but it's still so, so much better than it could have been. I just hope OP takes advantage of this amazing opportunity to GTFO of a broken relationship.
She said this is normal for most couples to have an arrangement like this,
No. No. No. No
Yeah, I have never heard of a couple having such an arrangement. I am sure there are people that adhere to it, but they probably are not dumb enough to tell their partner.
You marry someone you WANT to be with, not someone you are stuck with. You deserve to have someone as dedicated to you, as she is to her ex.
If that is the case, she loves me and wants a life and a family with me.
and what, if her ex says he is ready, leaves you and the kid?
I got upset and said why are you with me then, and she told me to calm down, that everyone settles. She said she will always love me, but this is just the way things are.
A lot of people do settle, and that is why divorce rates are high in developed countries. Don't settle, it will only lead to divorce, or cheating, or resent, and then divorce anyways.
Don't have kids with this woman, and you shouldn't marry her.
Also, the idea of a soulmate is pretty damaging to peoples ideals about relationships. I don't believe in it at all. I do believe in a compatibility bell curve, but that is just a stat thing. Two people destined for each other, tied up by a soul? na.
Wtf? No. Everyone does not settle. Those who do, regret it.
You are her second best, her safe bet and she is using you.
You need to let her go back to her so called soulmate so you can find yours. You should absolutely not settle for someone who does not put you first and is pining for someone else. Please have more respect for yourself, you should never be your wife's second choice.
basically literally told you she's just settling for you, that has to hurt like hell. This is one of the more idiotic requests I've heard of. No couple does this. And who defines her soul mate? I'm assuming her? Shes basically saying she will leave you the moment she finds someone "better". I would not marry someone with her mindset. Oh and soulmates only exist in the movies which it appears she's watched way to many of.
Never be someone's second choice OP. This is not normal in relationships. You deserve an SO who thinks the sun shines out of your *ss, not someone who'd leave you in a heartbeat for their ex. This is a huge deal, and imo, a dealbreaker personally. Your smartest move would be to just end the relationship and move on. I'm not sure how to resolve this situation any other way with the least amount of pain.
You owe it to yourself to cut that snake loose. If she loves someone else that's not normal - at least she had the courage to let you know you are second in her life.
Hope you are okay through whatever comes next.
"Not everyone settles, and even those that do settle do not do so with a prearrangement that divorce is ok in order to pursue a specific someone.
I feel incredibly betrayed that you would use me as a placewarmer for someone that you never got over. If he is your true love, then by all means wait for him, but I will not build my life, my family, my children's happiness around you-- only to have you destroy it all for the sake of another.
Thank you for being honest with me about your intentions. I wish you had been sooner. This relationship is over."
OP do you have severe self esteem issues? I only ask because anyone with a healthy opinion of themselves would not stand for this. Your fiancee does not love you and has told you this to your face. Love is not "I love you but I love this other guy more". That is her using you for your money, reliability and security. She does not consider you to be an important person in her life. You are not her priority. You will never be her priority. She doesn't care how you feel. She doesn't care about you.
If ever her ex feels like a booty call, she will cheat on you. If she finds someone she thinks is better than you, she will cheat on you. When she gets bored of you, she will cheat on you. She has probably already cheated on you if she's been in contact with her ex at all.
When she divorces you (and eventually she will) she'll take half your shit and probably your kids too, if you're stupid enough to have kids with her. If you stay with this selfish monster, she will break you and waste the best years of your life.
You know what you have to do. Do it to save your own future. Cut off contact and ignore her calls, texts, and emails. This woman does not deserve one minute more of your time.
The woman you are about to married flat out told you, you're number 2 and will always be her number 2. Irregardless if you buy her a mansion, gives her security, a happy family with 10 kids, you will never be her "soulmate" because despite all that, she'd drop everything in a heartbeat for her ex.
I'd cancel all wedding plans, tell her to calm her t*ts and said you just lost your soulmate.
Little bit of a different perspective on this.
Yes some people settle. They can live happy, fulfilling lives. Hell, people live happy fulfilling lives after arranged marriages where they didn't even know their SO before marriage. Happens all the time, definitely possible.
It's giving up that flaming love in the short term for the stability of normal, decent human being. It can be a normal, mature decision.
However, leaving if the ex asks is NOT part of the equation. That's the whole point of settling.
What your fiancee is saying is so utterly immature and divorced from reality, it's really stunning. You can't have your cake and eat it too.
The fact that she would even say this would make me question everything about her.
Honestly your fiancé needs some serious psychotherapy. Her thought process is seriously flawed. I don't even know how you can even look at this woman after what she has said to you. She does not love you. Like she said she is settling for you. I just got married in May. If my then fiancé said what she said I would have ended it right then and there. These arrangements she speaks of do not exist.
There are few things more annoying than when you are seeking advice and someone responds with a boring platitude that helps no one. Believe it or not, if you choose to provide advice, it needs to be specific to the situation and shouldn't be dressed up in trite phrasing. Does saying, "Keep your head up" actually contribute anything if that's all you have to say when someone comes to you in search of a listening ear?
But this goes deeper than just advice, to be fair. Some of us are sick of greedy corporations that stress the importance of being a "family" while refusing to pay proper wages. Still more of us are tired of people using certain language when other language can suffice.
After Redditor BensReddits asked the online community, "What is a phrase you absolutely hate hearing?" people shared their stories.
"At any sort of conference..."
At any sort of conference/gathering/presentation:
"How're you all doing today?!? C'mon, I know you can answer louder than that! HOW ARE YOU ALL DOING TODAY?!"
Instant resentment every time.
I second that resentment.
I attended a conference once where the main speaker did this several times in the span of thirty minutes as he announced different initiatives.
Such a headache.
"At my work..."
At my work upper management has started using the word "activate" a lot. As in, "We are working on plans to activate underutilized spaces." And, "Let's activate a few other teams on this." It just sounds silly to me and like they are trying too hard to avoid using simple, perfectly adequate language.
I'll take your "activate" and give you...
What is wrong with the word "use"?
"I was born in Australia..."
"Your English is so good!"
Thank you, I was born in Australia and English is literally my first language. My standard response these days is, "Oh thank you, yours too!"
This one is especially annoying...
...if you're not alabaster white.
This is a big one:
"Where are you from? No I mean where are you from."
Also annoying if you're not alabaster white.
"Someone saying to a teenager..."
Someone saying to a teenager, "These are the best years of your life!" I am in my mid-40s now and most people my age remember high school as horrible and awkward. The more appropriate thing to say is, "Hang in there kid! I promise life gets better. Just get through adolescence the best you can."
High school sucked.
My life vastly improved in my 20s. Let's not convince teenagers that they have nothing to look forward to after high school's over and done with.
"That's nothing... " when I tell them something only for them to turn it onto a competition and say something worse that happened to them.
The chronic one-upper.
"But she's your mother!"
Yeah, well she should've acted like one.
"I've heard it from people..."
"When you have your own children you'll understand."
I've heard it from people who don't understand that I want nothing more than my own family but being pregnant will kill me, and when I bring up adoption as a valid way of having children they'll buckle down on that phrase as to say adopted kids are not the same. It's disheartening to hear as a formal foster child and has reinforced my beliefs that no one really saw me as enough. Why would you say that to someone? All kids are the same and those without kids shouldn't be dismissed.
"I lost my daughter..."
"God has a plan" or "It happened for a reason."
I lost my daughter when I was 36 weeks in because of a sudden placental abruption followed by a uterine rupture, lost 2.2 litres of blood. I can't carry again without risking the child or myself. And I had to listen to a variety of phrases that made me want to hit those people. Those two were the worst. Followed by "You can try again" or "Did you get the child baptized?" (got this one only once though).
"Who on earth..."
"When are you going to have kids?"
Who on earth are you to not only insist I should stop and redirect my whole life for kids, but then put me on the spot and make up a timetable to change my whole life? Not everyone wants kids.
Now that you've learned a thing or two...
...you could say that all of the responses here are an exceptional opportunity to improve your social skills.
Have some of your own stories to share? Feel free to tell us about them in the comments below!
Want to "know" more? Never miss another big, odd, funny, or heartbreaking moment again. Sign up for the Knowable newsletter here.
Dating is difficult––and truth be told, I don't know how anyone can do it right now, what with a pandemic going on and all. Just the thought stresses me out. Dating is especially hard for people who defy expectations in a heteronormative society. Take bisexuals, for example.
Bisexuals have been open about their struggles maintaining relationships with both men and women, even having to lie about their sexuality if they want to date certain people.
"I feel like if I end up in a straight relationship, I'll look like I was just experimenting all these years, but if I end up in a gay relationship people will say I was never actually bisexual," one man told the BBC in 2019. "Then if I don't have a monogamous relationship people will say I'm just greedy."
Indeed, the pressure to be either gay or straight can be a lot to navigate. After Redditor Trevor-on-Reddit asked the online community, "Bisexual people who have dated both genders, what are some notable differences you've learned about dating both men and women?" bisexuals spoke candidly about their experiences. Take note: You might learn something new.
We all know someone who really cannot figure out even the most basic thing without copious amounts of help. But when you meet someone who is completely and totally past all help, how do you even begin to try to help them get along?
Most of the time, they will just be flustered, or they won't listen. And you have to just stand Idly by and watch them fail.
What is your "This person has no idea how the real world works" moment?
Here were some of those stories.
The Boot, Not The Camp
When I was in boot camp, some kid put his letter addressed to 'mom' with no address attatched.
I was gonna say that its not that stupid for a very young kid to do that, but then I realized you said boot camp and not summer camp.
Don't Steal Dangerous Chemicals
A student working part time at my laboratory at a University came into my office and asked "so what all can I eat in the refrigerator, I didn't know I was supposed to bring my own lunch". I looked at him, stunned and replied "nothing, that food is what people brought for their own lunch, but you can use my grub hub to order". He DID NOT UNDERSTAND. It took 4 tries to get him to realize he can't just eat someone else's lunch.
Same student: I walked into the lab room and told him I made a full pot of coffee in the office and he could help himself. Him: "a pot of coffee? What's that?" He never used a coffee maker other than a Kuerig before and didn't even know it was a thing.
He was fired a month later for stealing chloroform.
No Ma'am, Like, REAL Bears
At a national park, the park ranger says "stay on the trails, there are bears in the area."
One lady says "isn't that dangerous? Why aren't they in their cages?"
"Ma'am, we're not a zoo."
These people are lucky to make it out of bed every day.
Sleeping On The Job
I lived with some Japanese exchange students during the final summer of college. They were really nice girls, but one of them (Mari) (~19 years old) obviously had no idea how anything worked. She spoke the best English and I was tutoring some of the other girls, while they helped me with my Japanese.
But Mari would constantly call me to come to get her because she thought we had free buses (all the buses). After all, we were students. That wasn't the issue. I could deal with that. It was a whole new culture. She was learning.
But what happened that made me realize Mari could not be left on her own was when she ended up in Eloy, Arizona. Which was ~400 miles and five hours from where we were. She had been talking to some guy on campus, he said he was visiting family in Arizona, and she said "I want to go."
He just took her with him, and she went without even telling us. She had just assumed the guy would take her back, but he said he couldn't because he was staying in Arizona. So I had to arrange a ticket, get her on the bus via the phone, and then pick her up two hours away because she missed her second bus by napping.
How...? What...? Huh...?
Had a friend who was in some uncredited scam online college for her master's degree in medical billing or something. She was on a loan program that was sending her about $5k every 3 months directly to her via check in the mail.
This was her only source of income. She kept calling it a grant that didn't need to be paid back. She was flat broke as a joke for 2 months but then the check would come in and she would be living the good life for a few weeks before being poor again.
We tried to do an intervention and show her the insane interest rate that would be back dated as soon as her "school" was done but she didn't want anyone to bust her free money dreams.
She just kept talking about all the money she would eventually be making billing insurance companies...turns out she wasn't even logging in to the online college or even attempting to get this degree.
She thought the money was free, the degree was automatic and the job was guaranteed. Some people are beyond help.
Such Brilliant. So Money. Wow
My boss told me about a friend of his, who told him af a "life hack". She would get her bills in the mail, NOT pay them, and then wait a couple of months to pay. Then she would cry so the debt collectors would feel bad and waive the fees for not paying on time. That was her "brilliant life hack"
Himbo Rights Activist
The other day, my 18yo brother-in-law got married to his highschool sweetheart in a parking garage so that they can live off campus at college together.
Girlfriend's, now wife, mother is an ordained minister. His parents, my in-laws, were very upset and he couldn't understand why because "it's just a fake marriage for school". Oh no, sweet boy. You are MARRIED. I just laughed and laughed. I love him dearly. He is a dumb*ss.
And yet somehow they are there to add these stories to our dull, dull days.
A dude (18 yo) in boot camp got a letter from home and I can see he is agitated. Being 22 and concerned for his well-being, I asked him if he wanted to talk about it. (I'm thinking a Dear John letter or the Mom and Dad divorcing letter.)
He dead *ss told me that his younger brother got a Mercedes for his birthday and that he was pissed bc he "only got a BMW". Can't remember what I said, but I knew boot camp was gonna knock down. (It did.)
Who Pays Your Bills?
When my roommate, who never once paid for rent or groceries or anything, turned down the only job offer they have ever gotten, in front of me, TWICE.
They were so desperate they called him twice, offering good pay, during covid, and he had the gaul to say no in front of me. His excuse was "nah I'm sure there's something better. $20 an hour is garbage in this city" -_-
Just Read ONE Parenting Book
I worked for a clueless couple who had no idea how to raise a kid. He wore the same outfit everyday for a month until I gently suggested that he needs new clothes. His parents asked me "Where can we get baby clothes?" This was slightly hilarious given that they lived above a Target and next to a baby boutique.
I had to have the same conversation once the child was old enough for solid foods. I was asked "Where can we get baby food?" I had to explain that most grocery stores carry a baby aisle, or that she can mash up her own fruits at home for the baby. This family decided that sour cream would be a great first food for their baby!
I'll mention that this was a wealthy family who went on vacation at least 2-3 times a month. By far the weirdest thing they did was try and drop off Grandma at daycare along with the baby.
Stories like this make you feel like the most well-equipped, with it person alive, right?
We're all well aware of the weird, horrible, predatory things men do when attracted to women. But what about when women are the culprits?
Though it seems that, statistically, men are problematic at a WAY higher rate than women, there are certainly times where the person bringing the creepy vibes is, indeed, the woman.
Some men of Reddit gathered to share the most bizarre and uncomfortable things a woman has ever said.
AidenTheGamer14 asked, "Men of Reddit, what is the creepiest thing a girl has ever said or done to you?"
For some, it was the stalkers.
The cryptic behavior and frightening detective work of ex-lovers can be unparalleled.
Some Light Sleuthing
"Found out my address from the phone book, this was the 90s, sat outside my house for multiple nights, all night just watching my house, I live in the middle of the woods miles outside of town."
"We only had one date and agreed to leave it at that. I found out sometime later what she had been doing."
"Girl I was dating asked if I had changed the locks since breaking up with my ex months prior. I'm like 'No, but she wasn't a crazy person so I never worried about it.' She says if I don't change the locks she ain't comfortable sleeping over, so I change the locks."
"This ex sends me an angry text the next day 'So you changed your locks huh? Real nice a**hole.' So she had been coming over this whole time and doing who knows what."
She Stopped at Nothing
"She kept writing me letters at every address I lived at during that five-year period. If she didn't have the address she'd send them care of my parents. The most memorable is the one where she told me she was married and 'he's a great guy but he's not you.' "
"Once not long after I'd moved to a new address I came home and found a box of cookies she'd FedExed to me. Eventually I moved to a new state. I knew from her return addresses that she lived and worked there, and was worried we'd run into each other but realized that was pretty unlikely."
"Then after less than a year, she found me through a blog I was keeping and left a message on my voicemail demanding we meet. I posted a message to her on my blog telling her to stop harrassing me or I'd call the police (up to that point I'd been ignoring her, hoping she'd take the hint). That night she called, I repeated my threat to bring the authorities in, and I haven't heard from her since."
Others dealt with the creepiness on the internet. With so many avenues of communication all around us, uncomfortable comments can come from all directions.
"Someone I considered a friend started to grow feelings for me, but when she found out I had a girlfriend and I didn't feel the same for her she found out who my girlfriend was somehow. She then DM'd her and tried to tell her that I was cheating on her with her."
"Luckily I was with her when she got that DM so I could explain the situation and then we blocked her. Next day she DM'd her again from an alt account."
Worst Kind of Pen Pal
"I started a new job, and I shared a small office with a woman my age (and a couple other people). She was kinda cute but also weird and super naïve (she grew up in a very rural area). She'd flirt with me a lot, but I wasn't interested."
"So she started sending me emails."
"They were super long, detailing her whole day. And she sent them to me every day. I never responded. Then one day she sent me this long email confessing her love. I replied with the (very obvious) reasons why it wouldn't work and asked her to stop sending me emails every day. She didn't."
"They kept coming. This went on for months. I asked her in person and online to stop, but I still got these email memoirs every day. Eventually I had another female office mate who was her friend have a talk with her. Finally the emails stopped."
That's A Lot of Passwords
"I've had a girl create about 50 different Snapchat, Facebook, and Instagram accounts all to try to get me to friend her. I've never met this woman in person and yet every few weeks I'll get a handful of friend requests from her"
"Met this girl online and talked to her a bit. I did started to like her."
"Later found out that the pic she showed me of herself was actually a pic of her friend who had passed away due to cancer."
In my early 20's I was at a party and the hosting woman full-on tried to reach down my pants to grab my business."
"Strange, yes, what made it creepy is that we were right in front of her mother, who was cheering her on."
Breaking Out the Scroll
"After 6 months from our breakup, my ex called me because she wanted to see me. It seemed strange to me but I accepted. When we met she was friendly and all..."
"Then at a certain point she pulls a sheet in which there was written a list of all men she fu**ed after our relationship and she read it all to me, with accurate description of every sexual intercourse. Well it was an awkward moment."
"I was going to head home after a night out and a I was getting into my taxi a girl jumped in after me. I asked what they were doing and she said 'I'm coming home with you.' "
"Nope. Taxi driver helped me and she got out the car eventually when I shot down her advances."
Again, it's important to read this thread and remember that this is a bias sample, solely focused on the incidents where a woman did act creepy.
But, yes, it happens out there.
Want to "know" more? Never miss another big, odd, funny, or heartbreaking moment again. Sign up for the Knowable newsletter here.