Being someone's wedding guest is a big deal as far as most people are concerned. Weddings are expensive and they're supposed to be a celebration with people you adore. One 29 yr old Reddit user decided he wanted to take a woman he wasn't dating as his +1 to a friend's wedding. She initially accepted, but a few days later realized she had a conflict and cancelled.
He's angry, but Reddit isn't sure he has a right to be.
Here's his post:
Full context: I started speaking with a lady in early May, we'll call her Karen. We had a slow start, but it wasn't long before we started to talk almost every day. I knew that the relationship was imbalanced (I was definitely feeling things right off the bat), but I don't mind existing in a grey area. At one point, after a few drinks, she admitted to being nervous because things were happening quickly, but she felt like there was potential. However, she recently said that she was not ready for a relationship, even if we had been acting like we were in one anyway. I knew that to push things would be a bad idea, so I said that we didn't need to label what we are doing or put hard and fast rules on the situation.
So two very old and very dear friends of mine are getting married in late October. Karen had recently mentioned that she thought it would be fun if we were wedding dates (not knowing about my friend's pending nuptials.)
I was on the fence about inviting her because of her saying that she wasn't "ready to be in a relationship" and she had been kind of flaky when we first started seeing one another. But I decided I wanted her to come with me. In the invitation I received, it wasn't explicit if I was being offered a plus one. I reached out to the bride and groom to ask if it would be all right. They said it would be, and I asked Karen if she wanted to attend. She said yes.
Because of that past flakiness, I even sent her a calendar invite to make sure she had the date and waited for her to accept it. Then after waiting a few days, just to make sure, I tell my friends yesterday about adding a plus one for me and her name. It's all set.
Then Karen tells me at the end of the day yesterday that she forgot that some old coworkers that she's close with are coming to the city the same weekend as the wedding, and that she's sorry. Apparently there was an issue with an "old calendar" so she didn't see the conflict.
So I'm pissed. Beyond it being embarrassing to ask for a plus one, then to give a name and then take it back in the same day, I feel like she's pulling a weird power move or something. Showing the me the pecking order of her priorities.
Like, am I nuts, or should a wedding invite hold more sway than meeting up with old coworkers for a weekend? Especially if they're just "hanging out"?
Am I being pissy because I'm not getting what I want or is this f---ed? Is this her way, maybe unintentionally, of telling me where I stand in her mind?
TL;DR My girl dropped out of a wedding I invited her to so she can hang out with her old coworkers. Is she telling me that she doesn't take me seriously?
People didn't hesitate or hold back in responding. Some have been edited for language or clarity. Read through and see if you agree with what people are saying.
Not Your Girl
Your TLDR shows the entire problem perfectly. She's not "your girl." Especially given that she's outright told you that she isn't ready for, and doesn't want, a relationship. It's not surprising that she sees hanging out with her friends as a priority over going to a stranger's wedding with her FWB, to be honest.
I don't think it's a "power move," I think she's really just not that into you.
Also, for future reference, you should always assume that a wedding invitation is for you and you alone unless you're explicitly offered a +1. The invite would have said "OP and Guest" if you were being offered a +1.
- ostentia
Be More Honest With Yourself
I think the real issue here isn't that she bailed on the wedding, or that she's flaky, but that you've ignored the fact she clearly said she's not interested in a relationship with you right now when you quite clearly feel the opposite.
Nothing about what she's done here is unintentional, nor a "power move", because she's made her position clear with you before. She isn't "your girl", but you're behaving as though she is, and I think you have to be a bit more honest with yourself about your feelings regarding this "grey area" you claim to not mind being in with her.
This Wedding Isn't HER Priority, It's Yours
Like, am I nuts, or should a wedding invite hold more sway than meeting up with old coworkers for a weekend? Especially if they're just "hanging out"?
Not really, those are your friends and these are hers. She doesn't even know the people getting married. This wedding really isn't some huge priority in her life, it's just another date she could have with you. Mix-ups do happen so I don't know why you're reading any power struggle into this.
Personally I don't think it's such a big deal or that your friends would care at all that someone they don't even know cancelled. You seem a bit annoying.
But she also doesn't seem that into you based on the full story.
- Val5
Pretty Dumb x2
She sounds not into you or just dumb and immature for a 28 year old... or maybe both since she can't make up her mind and goes back on accepting a wedding like it is no big deal.
But also bringing a not-girlfriend to a wedding is pretty dumb.
You're Not Listening
Okay, here's the thing. You're a man, so you've probably moaned in the past that "you don't understand women" and "why can't women just say what they mean?" Well, the funny thing is that when women DO "say what they mean," often men don't listen to the human words coming out of their mouth because it's not what they want to hear.
She TOLD YOU that she's not ready for a relationship and you're not listening to her. Her actions seem to have consistently backed up her words, and yet here you are, resentful that she is who she presents herself to be: someone who has fun with you, but doesn't want a formal relationship with you.
I ask in the gentlest way possible: What's up with that?
You want to be her boyfriend. She is not currently interested in being your girlfriend. Why the anger? She is not obligated to be in a relationship with you even though you want it really REALLY bad and are super sure that it would be the bestest possible thing for her.
You need to consider that her "flakiness" might be her way of dealing with the...intensity that you're giving off. She might be saying "yes" to things she's not really interested in so that the matter drops--and then just kicks that particular can down the road in the hopes that the situation magically resolves itself. Super mature? Nope. Super common? Yep!
And the fact that you are thinking that she is deliberately playing games with you is...concerning. That is not a healthy mindset, you know? It sounds like you are simply one of her socializing choices and you are getting really angry that you are not THE social choice--and are now looking for signs that she's basically a Heartless Harpy, sadistically playing with your emotions.
Once again, as gently as possible: why the rush to assume bad faith when there are simpler explanations? And why on earth would you want romantic relationship with someone you think this way about?
What this all boils down to is that she likes you, but no more than she likes other friends with whom she is not having sex. That's fine. You want a committed relationship. That is also fine. What is not fine is that these wants are not compatible. Rather than adding more wood to your Resentment Fire, why don't you just break things off with her?
I worry that you are the one here with the actual agenda. Do you have a past littered with Faithless Women? KrAazY ex-girlfriends who stomped all over your heart? Because you do appear to be setting up this woman to fill an unpleasant trope of Heartless Woman Destroying Tender, Loving Man Just for Shits and Giggles. If there is the slightest bit of truth to this (and there may not be! At all!), then I would recommend that you take some time off of dating and work on yourself for a bit.
She isn't for you. The sooner you walk away, the sooner you can find someone who is eager for a relationship as you are.
Prioritizing Her Previous Plans
Most people see going to a wedding with someone as a show of being exclusive. She's already expressed concern about things happening too fast and she wasn't ready for a relationship. Prioritizing her previous plans is not bad so I don't think the wedding trumps that. But I don't think she's as into you as you are into her and you should find someone else.
This Is Not Bollywood
She is just repeating everything she has told you so far. You need to back off. She is not your girlfriend and doesn't want a serious relationship with you. She told you that and that is why she turned down being +1 to a wedding - because she knew you would read too much into it. Stop trying to make her your girl. End the friends-with-benefits arrangement because it is not good for either of you. Move on.
This isn't a rom-com or Bollywood story.
She does not owe you love.
What Grey Area?
Dude. Seriously. She's not your girl, you're not in a grey area because she plainly stated she didn't want a relationship, you arranged a plus one for her without even asking her if she wanted to come along in the first place and you already know you're over invested, and now you all of the sudden are **wondering** if she doesn't take you seriously?
Like. How did this thought process of yours go?
No, she's not into you. No, she will never be your girlfriend. Yes, you should go no contact and get over this girl. No, you shouldn't count on her attendance to anything ever because you will never be a priority to her.
Find someone that likes you back instead of likes to f*ck you back. And grow some ears to listen to what people say, such as "I don't want a relationship."
Both Wrong
Hi! I see that you've already gotten pretty solid feedback. I just wanted to say I think it's very wrong of anyone to agree to go to a wedding and then back out for any reason that isn't serious - purely because the couple involved will include her in planning and pay for an extra place/meal/etc. thinking there would be that one more person in attendance.
So I can definitely see why you would be upset or embarrassed about her backing out on that front!
However, I don't think it may have been wise to invite her in the first place considering that you're not really in a relationship per se. It sounds complex, but despite the fact that you may have been "wrong" for inviting her in the first place, she should have never agreed if she didn't fully intend on attending.
Enthusiasm And Availability
I was in your shoes once. This story is almost exactly the same as one that I went through, except mine was slightly quicker (beginning to end was about 3 months).
I won't even bother telling you the story; it's so creepily similar to yours that I'd be wasting space typing it out. The only difference is that she was the one invited to the wedding, and I was her +1. She rescinded her invitation, and to me that was the last straw and I stopped talking to her at that point.
It turned out I wasn't the only guy she was seeing! Her indecisiveness, her warm and cold flipflopping, it all suddenly made sense.
This girl may or may not be into someone else, but that really doesn't matter since the end result is the same from your perspective; she's not actually dating you. Learn the same lesson I learned; never ever settle for someone who can only give you a "maybe" or "not yet".
If their level of enthusiasm and availability doesn't match yours, it's not gonna work out.
H/T: Reddit
