Redditor u/termsandconditions21 has a relationship issue. Intimacy and trust is the foundation of a romantic relationship and when those boundaries are violated by a significant other it can make the progress of love difficult. Trust is fragile enough already. Here is the situation....
So my GF went out drinking with a group of friends the other night and got pretty f**ked up. I had to stay home working. Around 1am she texted me "Josh is being insecure and wanted me to send you a nude for male feedback haha" along with a nude photo of her friend Josh. I have never met Josh but I know he is gay and I thought this was kind of funny - we've always been open about sexuality with our friends, including our sex life. I made a comment about how he looks pretty good, his body weirdly reminds me of mine and I sent back a cropped photo of my chest/hips "see look! we kinda have the same hip thing." The photo was originally taken for my GF and included more than just my chest but I cropped it because I didn't want her showing Josh the full thing. I knew she was drunk and said she could show him the pic but not to show anything more explicit. Didn't think much of it because we have talked about this before and she knows that when I send her nude photos, they're just for her.
She responded back, "omg josh is in love with you he thinks you're so hot!!" At this point I know she must have showed him something so I said "haha what all have you shown him to make him fall in love?" She said, "literally just the pic you just sent and one other. He's begggging to see more" to which my response was "haha I'm not that easy but I'm flattered." Playing it off as a joke but making sure she knows I don't want her to show the full Monty.
She came home hours later and was extremely drunk. Josh came up in conversation and she told me again how hot he thinks I am and let it slip that "I was looking for a penis pic but couldn't find anything on my phone so I had to tell him sorry!" I made a comment like "well that's ok, I wouldn't have wanted you to show him anyway." I knew she was wasted so I figured maybe I'd bring it up in the morning to make sure we're on the same page.
In the morning I mentioned it and she just said "oh my god I'm so embarrassed, I'm sorry I was so drunk and I don't want to talk about it." I said "that's okay babe, I just feel like it's important for me to remind you that when I send you sexy photos they're just for you and I'm not really comfortable with you showing them to strangers. I'm glad you couldn't find a fully nude photo because honestly that would have been kind of humiliating." She apologized again and we dropped it.
Well, tonight she passed out early and her phone just went off, it was a text from someone we've been waiting to hear back from so I checked it. I don't know what made me want to but I thought, I'm just going to check her texts with Josh really quick... lo and behold, I see a blatant picture of my full manhood in their history that she sent around 12:30, BEFORE he ever sent her the nude or she texted me in the first place. His response was rather explicit, and then he actually sent his nude with the caption "need more, will trade." This makes me worried that the only reason she sent me his nude in the first place was to bait a nude out of me so she could show Josh.
A total stranger seeing a picture of my penis does make me uncomfortable. I don't think that's unreasonable. She is actually the only person I have ever sent nudes to and it's intimate, it's between us and a part of our relationship only. I know I have expressed this to her in the past. But even that part I can kind of understand, we are very open about our sexual life and she was really drunk, I know she thinks about it like she's just bragging and I should be proud of what I've got. She thinks I'm really sexy and she does like to brag.
That part that's really bugging me is that she sent the picture without asking first, and then lied about it and said "he's begging for a d**k pic" to make it sound like she hadn't sent one. Because she knew deep down I wouldn't like it.
I feel like I need to bring this up again but I'm not sure how productive it will be because she clearly already feels bad about it and knows she made a bad decision while drunk. I don't think she will do it again whether I say something or not. Plus she doesn't like me going through her phone and if I told her I know she sent a dick pic, she would know I went through her phone while she was asleep. But it makes me a bit uncomfortable that she tried to cover it up.
Went through GF's phone while asleep and found out that she had in fact sent a d**k pic to a gay friend who I have never met, then acted like she only sent pics of my chest. Not sure if/how to bring up that it makes me uncomfortable.
You should definitely bring it up. She violated your privacy and lied to you about it. In some states that's prosecutable under revenge porn laws. You need to let her know she crossed a line. Ask her to imagine how she'd feel if you sent her nudes to your buddies? She'd freak out too. MiriJane
I think she probably would freak if I did that but I'm not sure that's the angle to take, I can see her saying something like "I'm proud of my body and I don't care who you show," you know? Which might be where some of the disconnect lies. I am confident about my body and she's proud that she's dating me, I think in her head that just translated to "I'm just showing him off." Which part of me gets, but it's still a little violating just because he's a total stranger. Might be different if I knew him. termsandconditions21
Blame it on the alcohol!
It's fair for you to make a judgement based on evaluating this one particular incident on it's individual merits.
What I think a lot of people are trying to explain to you is, that she very cavalierly was willing to completely ignore and disregard your extremely reasonable boundaries and requests because... she wanted to? She didn't care?
She'll probably try to say it was the alcohol, but getting drunk only amplifies the values and ideals you already have. I think a lot of posters here, myself included, just wonder why you want to form a life-long, intimate bond with someone who has no respect or care for your personal privacy and boundaries. What's the next thing she'll overstep? How many times will she do this again? How many times has she done it already?
"Oops, I was drunk! Sooo sorry! It'll never happen again!" I guess only you can truly say how much you trust that. If my partner did this to me, and I found out like you did that she lied to your face, I don't know how I could ever truly trust her again. sponge_cat
This is not "failed communication" - she fed you a blatant lie. eyespeeled
No this is not failed communication. You made it very clear what is okay for you and what isn't and she just didn't care and went ahead with sharing intimate photos of you anyways! That's a crime and it shows that she has no regards for you and your privacy. You are just doing mental gymnastics to excuse her. Reisevi3ber
She didn't just show you off, she sent it to him. Now that image may go anywhere.
Even if she wouldn't mind if the roles were reversed, she clearly knew you felt differently, and didn't care.
At the very least, I'd demand deletion of all nudes, and not send her any more.
If you do decide this is relationship ending, you may want to get the deletion completed before you end it. OccasionalAsshat
Let's be clear....
What about her telling you a very private secret, telling you it was just for you, to not share it with anyone, and then you blabbed about it to people?
Because that's basically happened here, by her. You gave her a very private picture, for her and her alone, not to share, and she ignored the boundaries of receiving it. How you look naked is a secret that you get to share with whoever you want, and she ignored your wishes and boundaries.
And she knew it wasn't okay, and that you wouldn't be happy about it, or she wouldn't have lied about it. She was likely fishing for a penis pic because she was hoping you'd give her permission to show the pic, so that she'd "retroactively be in the clear." scoxely
Good point. I didn't even think about it that way but the retroactive permission thing is definitely exactly what was going on. She sent it to him and then felt bad and probably made up the "Josh is feeling insecure" thing tbh. termsandconditions21
Bring it up that's a pretty big deal. If you were a girl posting this you'd see comments on here encouraging you to break up and get a lawyer. You've been violated dude. Even if you don't have an issue with this at the moment, I think it demonstrates the poor character of your girlfriend. Your body and privacy are expendable. How would she feel if you sent out nudes of her? Reddit
Your body. Your choice.
It's YOUR body. YOU get to make decisions about it, your boundaries, and your privacy. Nobody else, ever. If she's proud of her body and doesn't care who she shows, then awesome! More power to her. She's still not allowed to apply her rules and values as an excuse to violate yours.
If she's "sooo proud" of you and likes showing you off, then that's lovely and all, but it doesn't give her permission to violate your boundaries and privacy - because nothing does. sponge_cat
Sex positive can be a negative...
If she is very sex-positive and has already had pictures published, make this an issue of consent. You never gave consent for her to share those private images. It's one thing when you are throwing yourself out there and another when you had no say. Sex positive or not, you never consented to those pictures being shared and that is never okay. She f**ked up big and also lied about it, this would make me seriously reconsider the relationship. theHoopster
Honestly, I think you need to stick up for yourself and put your foot down in this relationship. Your trust and privacy were violated carelessly by your GF who then lied about it. She knows what she did is wrong and she's trying to cover it up. Who cares if she gets defensive? You were violated by her. Period. Personally, I wouldn't disrespect myself and allow that to go unaddressed. Reddit
I'm 100% on putting my foot down and standing up for myself later tonight. The main reason I posted this is to try and navigate the best way to phrase things to express myself effectively. I don't care if she gets defensive, I just don't want to come at her like an unprepared idiot and start throwing daggers if there's a better way to approach it. That's not gonna get us anywhere. I'm the type of person that likes to prepare for confrontation I guess. termsandconditions21
Aren't you afraid to get exposed online? There are tons of tumblrs with straight guys (faces and d**k pic), all by gays for gays. And now this friend of her has a picture of you.
Im telling you this cause I'm gay and in my town there was an uproar cause of many tumblrs doing this on Grindr. She really crossed a line by sending that to him, at least just showing it could have been less harmful for you. forteruss
Yeah, the fact that it was a text message was more troubling to me in this case. Thankfully my face was not in this photo. I'm honestly indifferent about having a picture of my d**k on some tumblr page but I would be mortified if my face was in it. But I definitely have to bring something up to her because I know she does have nudes of me with my face and I need her to understand those aren't okay to text. termsandconditions21