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People Share Grossly Oversimplified Versions Of Their Job Description

When people ask me what my job is, I always tell them that I get paid to talk mad sh*t on the internet. Sure, there's a lot more to it but that's the gist, right?


When it comes down to it, a lot of us have careers or jobs that can be boiled down to something that sounds a little bit bonkers. Reddit user NazgulMarmot (which is a great mental picture, by the way) posed a challenge to Reddit:

Grossly oversimplify your job description. What is it?

People were totally down to play, and it turns out a lot of us have jobs that kind of make no sense when you reduce things to their simplest terms. See if you can figure out what these people do base on their descriptions - and enjoy some of the guesses Reddit users had.

Management

I'm paid to be nice while people yell at me.

Hotelmanager. It is a lot of fun though, people love my stories at parties. They gather round like I'm telling stories by a camp fire.

- Drew-

Gently

I crash planes as softly as possible.

- onebatch_twobatch

A polite terrorist?

- CarnivalCave

I'm an aircraft commander/pilot.

- onebatch_twobatch

A Barista And The Magic Beans

Giphy

I sell people magic beans to help them stay awake.

- luckyninja110

Drug dealer?

- Robots914

Barista?

- onetwo4four5

So your a drug-dealing barista?

- Mattx8y

Just Guessing

I guess what numbers are going to be.

- queuedUp

You sit at a bar in Oregon and play digital keno?

- JesusUmlette

Data / Analytics - Forecasting?

- Not_Lane_Kiffin

Yes! Ding Ding Ding!

- queuedUp

Maybe Blood?

Put things into people, get things out of people. Then: laugh about some random shit. And maybe blood.

- MercutioElessar

Porn star?

- sendboobiepics

ER nurse lol.

- MercutioElessar

You Just Said That

I listen to people and tell them about what they just told me.

- AyoRobo

Therapist?

- Fungi0528

Consultant?

- UristImiknorris

Nah, Just a student.

- AyoRobo

Chef Grandma

I'm everyone's Grandma. Only angry, sleep deprived, over caffeinated and at times intoxicated. I'm a restaurant chef.

- _Monotropa_Uniflora

That does sound like my grandma...

- Glyphcreep

Bang Bang Bang

I hit plastic

- QenesQenes

Preschooler?

- runawayoldgirl

Programmer.

- Qenes

Close Enough

I make copies.

- Klaudiapotter

Cloning technician?

- Robots914

Photocopier operator?

- Wyrmczar

Close enough, I'm a secretary.

- Klaudiapotter

Better Numbers

Giphy

You give me numbers I give you better numbers

- JamesJosiah

Number repair technician?

- robots914

Corrupt lotto official?

- Soberasabird1

Data analyst, you tell me what machines you've got and how much you use them I'll tell you what parts you need on the shelf

- JamesJosiah

People Imagine How Their Ex Would Tell The Story Of Their Relationship's Demise

"Reddit user U_PassButter asked: 'Let your Ex tell the story; why did your relationship end?'"

A couple with their backs to the camera sits on a bench looking out thinking
Photo by Charlie Foster

Breaking up is hard to do.

In fact, it's one of life's hardest things.

It sucks when love is over.

But the story is always interesting.

And there is always more than one side to the tale.

When couples retell the fall of their fairytale there is always different aspects and details mentioned.

Everyone has their own view.

And it's always best to hear both.

Or is it?

Redditor U_PassButter wanted to hear several sides of a break-up story, so they asked:

"Let your Ex tell the story; why did your relationship end?"

I don't want to know what embellishments my exes would say.

I was perfect.

Just Stop

Cardi B Applause GIF by Recording Academy / GRAMMYsGiphy

"He needs to stop being so possessive and controlling. If I wanna f**k my coworker after a shift and take him back to the house and have you catch us. I fully expect you to be okay with all of it."

Initial-Attorney-578

The Privilege

“Well, the real problem was that that a**hole, aknightwhosaysnope, didn’t trust me. If he had trusted me, he never would have looked at my phone and uncovered the affair I’ve been having with one of his best friends, and I could continue to f**k that dude while allowing aknightwhosaysnope the privilege of paying my bills. What a d**k.”

aknightwhosaysnope

In April

“'I changed my phone password because I felt like it. If you need to use it I’ll open it for you.'”

"Cut to April she’s living in NY with her new boyfriend and I’m being served divorce papers. They had been dating for 6 months while we were married."

"The pandemic definitely changed some people, some for the better, but not all."

PissyMillennial

On a Saturday...

"I deliberately picked a fight just like I do every Saturday, to force him to apologize and treat me like a princess for the rest of the weekend. But this time, when I suggested that he didn't love me and we should just break up, he actually had the nerve to agree! I couldn't believe it - that line had always worked in the past to at least get roses and a gift."

"He's such an a**hole - I even refused to leave for a while, giving him the chance to apologize to me and take it back, but he was so stubborn and just flat-out refused!"

"Even when I kept calling his phone over and over from my car, insisting that we spend one last night together, he wouldn't let me back inside his place. I still can't believe that. He owed it to me to at least hold me one more time. I even told him that, and he was still a stubborn jacka** about it."

The_Law_of_Pizza

Why can't people just go to therapy?

Find yourself in trouble.

That's where you're heading.

Not Loyal

Its Over GIFGiphy

"It was long distance, I avoided all girls as she said, stayed loyal, yet one day I felt she was down, asked what's worrying you? She told me she kissed her BFF and cheated on me, a day later she ended it."

lunar_pilot

Try

"I didn't try hard enough because I couldn't handle the pressure and stress of raising 4 children all under 9 years old, a full-time job, a part-time job, all household maintenance and upkeep, and an alcoholic partner who contributed nothing to the family or the household and drank his entire paycheck every week."

Feral_Attitude

Nothing Happened

"For some reason, he didn't like that I was cuddling with my best friend on the couch. He got it into his head that I was cheating on him (or close to doing it) and decided to end the relationship. Nothing ever happened with my friend, nor did I want it to. The fact that I immediately moved with him to another country was just a coincidence."

Tiny-Device-1127

10 Years Later

"My ex (34 F) after our ten-year marriage ended: 'He was a lovely partner, most of the time. But, his depression got a hold and he just quit enjoying anything at all, including time with me. He hated himself. I couldn't put myself through it anymore'...

"Thankfully, I've (34 M) done a ton of work and found a sense of peace, and I finally love myself. It's been a couple of years now, so, the hurt has (mostly) worn off. We have to co-parent anyway, but, I've found a new friend in my ex. She really did always care about me, even if we struggled to communicate this to each other, while we were together."

nickatnite511

Sins

New Girl Facepalm GIF by HULUGiphy

"Apparently being committed to one person while dating is obsessive and to care about them even a little bit after the fact is an unforgivable sin."

TooYoungToBeThisOld1

Dating will be the death of everyone.

And apparently, so will love.

fan of 100 U.S. dollar banknotes

Alexander Mils on Unsplash

They say money can't buy happiness, but it seems it can make a lot of other people miserable.

Whether it's the housing crisis or the high cost of living, people are pointing at the 1% to accuse them of ruining things for the 99% in a multitude of ways.

Keep reading...Show less

As consumers, we all know that we're going to buy something at some point that doesn't turn out to be as pretty or be as functional and reliable as the advertisements, supposed testimonials, and commercials lead us to think they will be.

But some products prove to be such a letdown, we might even wonder what this thing was made for in the first place, or who bothered to approve its production.

Redditor Stay-Thirsty asked:

"What product was so poorly designed that you suspect the team that made it never even used the product?"

The Seal on the Baby Wipes

"Baby wipes."

"Hey, you know when a good time to struggle with opening a package that says it has perforations but really doesn't? When you're dealing with poop."

"You want one? Here's a chunk of 20."

"You want a bunch? Here's a tiny ripped corner."

"You have 10 left on a trip and need to conserve? Too bad motherf**ker, here's the rest of the pack. Get your tired a** to CVS."

- Miklay83

Hard-to-Navigate Intersections

"Some road intersections make me wonder if the engineers have actually ever driven a vehicle."

- imdstuf

Not as Easy as Making Mac and Cheese

"The perforated corner of a Kraft Mac and cheese box."

- thebeast1022

"I want to start a guerrilla journalism YouTube that ambushes CEOs and makes them open one of their company’s products, and then asks them, 'Is that the first impression you want your company to make?'"

- Ferrous_Patella

Scheduling in Laundry

"The Bluetooth app connectivity for my washing machine (I didn't really want that feature, but it was a last-minute substitution)."

"If the wash cycle takes longer than the initial estimate, the start time changes rather than the time remaining estimate, so it's never clear how much longer the cycle needs to go."

"Now, I just don't bother with the app."

- dragon2611

Just Trying to Do the Laundry

"My clothes dryer. It has touch controls that are designed in such a way that you pretty much have to guess what you're supposed to touch (nothing visibly looks like a button), and when turned on has an inexplicable 10-or-more-second delay before the touch controls work."

"So then you have to basically poke it all over the place without even knowing if it's the right place to poke or if you simply need to wait for nothing to happen. I mean, that's what I think, at least, but can't be sure since there seriously is no visual indication of anything."

"There's also a numerical display which I assumed was related to the time left until it's done, but I've been using it for almost two years now and I still have no clue what those numbers are meant to indicate. They certainly don't correlate with any time units I'm aware of."

- malsomnus

Feminine Hygiene, Galling Design

"Sanitary pads."

"Especially ones advertised as 'zero bunching,' they most certainly do bunch up! They will go straight up your bum crack. They can only have been designed by someone who doesn't use them to have made that claim."

- ArcadiaRivea

"They’re also so short and not wide enough and never stay. If I wear one and I’m planning to sit, I have to layer two lengthwise and make sure both have wings to fold over the underside. And even then it will somehow shift by one millimeter giving the blood a direct escape route."

- 0techsavvy

No Commitment to Their Own Product

"I’m reminded of this book, 'Disrupted,' I once read by a former tech reporter who claims most of the industry is bulls**t."

"In one of the chapters, he talked about going to the Google headquarters for an event shortly after Google Glass came out. The event was centered around the product and lots of attendees were wearing their pair, but the author noted that not a single Google employee who was hosting the event was wearing Google Glass."

"That’s when he said he knew the product was doomed."

- srstone71

So Appropriate

"All iterations of Skype after Microsoft bought it."

- JoeS830

"Skype for Business."

"Never has a product been less appropriate or ready for business use."

- suivethefirst

Wheelchair Accessibility

"My mom's had three wheelchairs."

"They all suck. The brake lever mechanism invariably interferes with the footrests. On her current one, the brake lever mechanism is curved, so it's pretty good. I think it could still be better."

"I'm surprised they're not better. I definitely feel like given my experience I could design a much better wheelchair than anything on the market under $1,000.00."

- stevejust

Searching for Movies

"Streaming services search engines? You can literally have 10k to 50k things to watch, but there is absolutely no way to do an in-depth search."

"It doesn’t have to be through a mobile app, maybe an online connection through a website. But if I want to find a show that was running in the late 90s and I know it was science fiction, why can’t I do that?"

"So much content I might want to watch but can’t find it."

- Stay-Thirsty

"I can actually answer this one. They don't want you to watch all those old shows you love. They want you to watch one of the hundred new shows in the 'trending now' section that makes them the most money and best supports their interests."

- bird_man_73

Something as Simple as a Trash Can

"My kitchen trash can. It is one sold by Glad specifically for their bigger, extra-strong 20-gallon trash bags. It is not particularly cheap."

"It looks good, but the design of it is what you might expect if you told aliens what a trash can is and they designed one without ever seeing it. How it holds the bag basically causes you to lose four gallons of capacity and have to risk tearing the bag or spilling its contents every time you go to remove it."

"It also has a trash bag holder that is so narrow, you have to feed it trash bags one at a time, completely defeating the point. And if you try to compact the trash a bit, you're almost guaranteed to tear the 'tear-resistant' bag."

"Such a poor design."

- samanime

False Sense of Safety

"My new iron. Has a restart if you tip it over after it’s timed out. So if you accidentally leave it plugged in and it gets knocked over by accident (pet or child bumps the board, the wind knocks something over knocking the iron over) it starts up while face down."

- tangcameo

"That literally defeats the entire purpose of the time-out safety feature..."

- DrSchmolls

"It's a time-in unsafety feature."

- hockey_metal_signal

Needlessly Complicated Software

"Software drivers for basically any HP printer made in the last three decades."

- ThadisJones

"Holy crap, YES! I work in IT and I hate how bloated those stupid drivers are. No, I don't want 'HP Device Experience' or whatever the h**l that is, and I don't want to have to download a 300MB bloated pile of steaming crap when all I need is for Joe Q. Employee to send documents through to the printer on his desk."

"God, I miss the days of those LaserJet 2500s with their universal PCL drivers. So simple. And those were like the Volvo 240 of printers. Freaking TANKS."

- marcfonline

Excellent Waterproofing

"I just bought a waterproof cargo bag for the roof of my car that was fairly expensive."

"The Velcro that keeps the zipper protected was just GLUED ON, not stitched and sealed."

"The very first time I opened the bag all the Velcro came off because the attraction to itself was stronger than the adhesive bond to the vinyl bag."

"It’s like there was absolutely zero product testing, but I’m sure it was 5 cents cheaper to make it glued rather than stitched. How could something like this have ever been allowed to leave the factory?"

- Dustmopper

More Testing Time

"My vacuum cleaner. The hose is mounted at a downward angle and it's impossible to pull it along as you go; it keeps going to the side or even flipping over instead."

"It takes one minute of use to notice this, but I guess they only tested it for 30 seconds."

- DaoNight23

We've all experienced a flop of a product from time to time that was supposed to be really good, but some are so bad, we have to wonder how they were approved in the first place.

It's clear why these Redditors were so upset by the products they shared. From impractical use to unreliability, there's no wonder these consumers were questioning the product's quality check.

Customer at a buffet
Ulysse Pointcheval/Reddit

Diners have their favorite restaurants to go to when they don't feel like preparing dinner at home after a long day at work.

There's something comforting about hitting your go-to dining establishment and greeting familiar faces and favorite entrees.

And while customers are quick to rave about and recommend the restaurants to friends and family, they can be just as passionate about the places they avoid like the plague for various reasons.

Curious to hear about these nightmare establishments, Redditor PuzzleheadedFix8972 asked:

"What restaurants do you refuse to go to and why?"

For most Redditors, buffets are a no-go.

A Customer's Touch

"Golden Corral. Walked into one once in Florida. A small kid walking past the food bar was putting his hand in every tray he passed. Out we go."

– Ardothbey

"I am mildly surprised Golden Corral wasn't a victim of the pandemic. Like who on earth would eat there from March 2020 on?"

– Robbylution

The Buffet Worker

"I knew a girl who worked at a buffet. On busy days they would have an employee hover looking for gross people. People using the serving spoon to take a little taste to see if they like it, grab food try it and don't like it and put it back, fingers in pudding all kinds of nasty sh*t. I don't eat at them anymore."

– Yaniji1923

Pro Tip

"Go right when they first open. Actually, show up before they open and be the first one in, that’s about as close to safe as you can be."

– YoghurtSnodgrass

Chain restaurants are not any better according to these folks.

Boo To Applebee's

"Applebee’s - was a fry cook there."

– Jfonzy

"Was a server there. What a temple to mediocrity."

– budda_belly

"Applebee's - when I'm too lazy to use my own microwave."

– FlattenInnertube

Fallen Quality

"Panera Bread, extremely overpriced, bland food."

– wyoflyboy68

"Thing is it used to be really good. Then they got bought by a VC and did a speed run into serving the cheapest, food-like meals ever to squeeze as much margin as possible out of the place."

"It’s like that scene in The Founder when his future wife convinced Ray Kroc to sell powdered milkshakes instead of the real deal. The VC that bought Panera did that with the entire menu."

– Doctor_Kat

People Don't Go For The Food

"Hooters. Waiting 45 minutes for a hamburger and baked beans and then immediately having diarrhea doesn't do anything for me."

– bravesgeek

"It's because they put all of their effort into the gimmick of "HoT wOmAn!!!" instead of serving actually good food."

– AverageFurryFemboy

Fake Italian

"Olive Garden."

"They know why."

– liltrixxy

"My friend’s mom is a little old lady from Sicily and her favorite restaurant is Olive Garden."

"Totally not joking."

– YinzaJagoff

"Because it's a loud place were everytime you clean your plate someone comes out and puts more on it just like any Italian dinner."

– Zkenny13

"They All Suck"

"Noodle & Company and Chili’s I honestly don’t know what I am supposed to order in either of these restaurants. They got so many things and they all suck."

"Oh and Pizza Hut because their pizza sucks."

– Soup_and_Rice

It can't get any worse than some fast food joints.

Do They Do Chicken Right?

"KFC. I dont know why but I get sick an hour later every time."

"Churches doesn't do this."

"Popeyes doesn't do this."

– Wolfman01a

"I went to KFC once and i took ONE bite of the chicken and literal blood was coming out. Ordered another one. SAME THING. Ordered another one! Guess what.. SAME THING. Never going to KFC ever again."

– Reddit

Bad Reputations

"Subway - because of food poisoning & there are better sub places in our town."

"Golden Corral - food has always been subpar & I always felt sick after leaving…and not due to overeating."

– amyria

"This is also my two for the same reasons. I got food poisoned by subway twice in a row 20 years ago. Never been back, never will be back."

"Golden corral is so bad. I won't go for any reason. Not even because old great uncle whoever wants to see all the relatives and I'll make him sad if I don't come and get free food. If I wanted to serve people food of that low quality, I could just go to Sam's club and hit the freezer isle. Most of their items are the same processed heat and serve junk."

– Illogical-logical

Have It Your Way

"Will pass on BK. It's always been the participation trophy of fast food."

"Wendy's has gone downhill severely, especially the wait times (I might be overly critical because I worked there one summer)."

– zoinks690

Panda Express used to be my favorite default mall food court choice.

Until I got sick from their beef broccoli once and felt bloated for hours. I realized that with age, my body wasn't able to break down everything I was consuming there.

As a teenage patron everything there used to be so flavorful.

But then my tastes changed after I found out why eating there is the worst thing for your body.

Their highly-caloric dishes are also known to be extremely high in sodium, which if eaten frequently can lead to all sorts of health issues–including obesity and heart disease.

Buh-bye, P.E.